I Can't Believe How Much The Hunger Games Movie Sucked

Saw the Hunger Games last night. I haven't read the book. So everything I'm writing is about the movie, not the book. I don't know what happens in the other 2 books and I don't care. I am a moviegoer and I paid to see a movie.

Even though it wasn't exactly my choice to see The Hunger Games, I actually expected it to be great. All of the reviews I read were positive, people were saying nice things, and usually when there is that much good sentiment, a movie is at least above average.

Not in this case.

There are so many problems with this movie that I can't believe they are being ignored. Here's the first one:

Shaky camera.

This movie has the worst shaky camera that I've ever seen. Now maybe there's a chance that I'm getting old, and the kids love the shaky camera, but I've been a fan of it in the past. In fact, I've never had a problem with it. But this seemed like just bad cinematography. This was confusing-shaky, not active-shaky, and there is a big difference. There's a reason that contraption is called a steady cam, it's because it allows you to keep the camera steady.

Perhaps this was an attempt to be young and hip by an old director, but the attempt failed. It was distracting and took away from the action, instead of enhancing it.

Second major, major, issue with this movie: the flashback scenes between Katniss and Peeta. They made no fucking sense whatsoever. I'm sure if you read the book you totally understood, but for the rest of us, I had no idea what they were about. Here's the flashback:

Katniss lies against a tree, looking sad. Peeta comes out of his bakery (a bakery with left over bread in a place where there is no food?), his mom yells at him, and then he dumps a bunch of bread in front of some animals (animals where there is no food?). Then he sees Katniss looking at him, and he gets a guilty look on his face.

What the hell?!

Supposedly, this was Katniss being hungry, and Peeta GIVING her food. Sorry, but you can't see hunger from a chubby faced girl leaning against a tree, and you can't see giving food to her by dumping it on the ground where a bunch of animals come get it.

Third issue: you know how Katniss is really good at hunting (her rating goes to 11!), well, she never actually hunts anyone or kills anyone. She gets her ass saved multiple times by other people. She has chances to shoot arrows at the bad guys and doesn't (until the end).

Fourth issue. This movie has the worst love triangle that I have ever seen. The Twilight movies are pure garbage, but at least they get the love triangle right. In this movie, one of the sides of the triangle isn't even in the damn movie!

Watching it, I thought for sure the good looking, nonexistent part of the triangle (as opposed to the midget part of the triangle who is completely unlikeable) would run into that forest and enter himself into the games and start kicking ass, then wreak havoc on the developing love between Katniss and Peeta.

But no, we just see him once looking off into the distance for 2 seconds, doing nothing. Passionate stuff.

Fifth Issue. What kind of poor excuse for a TV producer is producing these Hunger Games?

The whole time I was thinking, this movie is ignoring everything we know about reality TV. Maybe if it came out before we'd all seen Survivor, it would be okay. But no, we've seen Survivor and a million other shows that are basically a less harsh version of this, and this is not how things go.

The producers of the Hunger Games are committing the biggest sin of all: they're making bad TV!

The closest Katniss comes to dying is when the producers shoot fireballs at her when she gets too close to the edge of the game. Could you imagine that? Your most compelling character doesn't die at the hands of a competitor, but because of the producer's intervention? That's not what you do and we all know it.

Why do you think the Bachelor producer's didn't tell Ben about Courtney? Because she's a great character and they wanted her to stick around as long as possible. Katniss was Courtney, and you want to see her get caught and killed by the other people, not the fucking fourth wall of TV. Jesus!

There are a million other fun ideas that you could do to make this an awesome TV show, but I'm not going to even get into them. But please rent the movie that this movie (poorly) ripped off, The Running Man, if you want to see a few.

And don't even get me started about the idiotic voice of God that randomly changes the rules of the game midway through and at the end. Who are these amateurs? These games have been going on for 74 years and they're this bad at it? They're just making shit up as they go along? Ridiculous.

SIXTH issue. Before the kids are forced into the slaughter that is The Hunger Games, they are paraded around the city. They all go on a talk show in front of a large crowd and get asked questions.

In this movie, the kids all answer the questions with smiles on their faces, playing to the audience, and having a great time. And then it's the main character, Katniss's turn on the show. So what does she do?

She plays to the audience and has a great time. She even twirls around like a God Damn trained monkey for them.

Huh? That's not what a hero does. A hero tells the world that this system is fucked up and it's not cool. A hero doesn't accept the awful world as it is. A hero shakes her fist and demands justice!

Just look at The Running Man. There is an almost identical scene in it. Arnold is brought out on the show by the flamboyant host in front of a cheering crowd. He's about to be sent into what is basically The Hunger Games.

Arnold doesn't smile for the camera. He doesn't chat up the host. No, instead he says "I'm going to come back here and fucking kill you. I'll be back!"

Yes! That's awesome. That's what a bad ass does. That's who you want to root for.

I've seen some reviews where they brought up a few of these issues, but then the reviewer goes "but overall it's really great!".

I'm sorry, but that is way too much stuff to ignore. A movie isn't great with all of these flaws. It actually sucks.

But what are you gonna do? If there's one thing kids love, it's books. Stupid, make you dumber, books.

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Was That Bad Acting by Jon Hamm?

Watched the Mad Men premiere. The major moment of the episode was a surprise party that Don's new wife threw for him. And if you don't know, Don Draper is not the kind of guy who likes surprise parties.

Everyone from work was there (well, except for Joan and her whore child). In the middle of the party, Don's wife gave him his present, which was her seductively singing "Zou Bisou Bisou".

Now, besides the fact that that's kind of a bullshit present, the consequences of this performance reverberate throughout the rest of the episode. Don is pissed about it. They get in a big fight. People at work are uncomfortable. They talk about how mortified Don was. It was a big deal.

But here's my problem:

Don is enjoying himself! He seems to be turned on by it. He likes it. He smiles and kisses her at the end. He's not worrying about the other people there. He's not thinking about his coworkers. Everything seemed fine.

So was this bad acting by Jon Hamm? Am I misinterpreting everything?

Probably. But there's a possibility that this scene didn't play as they intended. While I was watching it, I was expecting Don to be angry. And then I thought, "man, are we gonna see a kindler, gentler Draper this season?" But then it changed, and everyone started talking about that moment like it happened the way I thought it was going to happen.

Maybe it's me. Or maybe Jon Hamm's been performing in too many comedy bits lately and was rusty.

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Why is ABC Ruining "Revenge"?

"Revenge" might be the only network show that I have stuck with for the entire season. I've seen every episode and I enjoy it. So why is ABC trying to fuck me over?

We've discussed many times how impossible it is to create a hit show. It's about as likely as me winning the Mega Millions and finally living the life of naked supermodels I so clearly have earned.

These networks sink millions of dollars into TV shows in the hopes that one of them becomes a hit. Almost all of them do not. But "Revenge" has defied the odds. So you'd think the network would do whatever it could to nurture that hit, and make sure nothing would happen to screw it up.

ABC isn't doing this.

"Revenge" is a soap opera. It isn't CSI: Hamptons. The episodes link to one another, they do not stand on their own. When you watch one, you want to see what happens in the next. There are cliffhangers. This isn't House, where a new sick person gets cured every week. It has ongoing story lines.

Because of that, you need some reliability week to week. The show needs to be on the air when it's supposed to be on the air. Otherwise, we'll get lost. We'll forget where things left off. We'll lose interest.

And for some reason, ABC is trying to lose us. Here's what just happened:

The show took a (understandable) break during the holidays, then came back in January. For several weeks, there were new episodes. Then, the show took a week off. Then it came back for one episode, and now it's gone until April - a month and a half off.

I thought "Lost" had taught these people how to do this. You air shows like this in a row with no breaks. That's the best way to keep the momentum going and viewership up. It's incredible that they're willing to risk it. And for what?

Ashley Judd's "Missing".

Look, I love Ashley Judd's new face as much as anybody (but not as much as her first face), and no one loves the movie "Taken" and attempts to rip it off more than me. But why not show every episode of "Revenge" and then show every episode of "Missing"? That must be too logical.

So thanks a lot, ABC. If you keep it off the air any longer, Madeleine Stowe might start aging.

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Here's Something to Read

An oral history of The Sopranos? Yes, please.

I dream of a day when literally everything that's ever happened has an accompanying oral history. I love them.

Although one thing I'm sick of is that in every single oral history about a successful TV show, someone says "after we shot the pilot, I told everyone 'that was fun, too bad no one will ever see it'".

Maybe if they did one about a bad TV show someone would say "that was fun, we've got a major hit on our hands!" Or at least that's what I imagine Paul Reiser said after they wrapped the Paul Reiser show pilot.

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Should I Watch Season 2 of The Killing?

My dad says that when you need to make a big decision in your life, you should make a list of pros and cons. "The Killing" is coming back for season 2, and I can't think of any bigger decision than figuring out whether or not to give it another chance...

PROS

Sarah Linden's partner is awesome, and I like how he says her name, "Linden"

I've invested a lot of hours into finding out who killed Rosie Larsen, I should probably see it through

People are going to talk about the show and it's going to annoy me, and I'll want to know what they are talking about

"Linden"

I like getting angry at shows for being stupid, and there's no better show at pissing me off than this one

I'm telling you, that pilot was really good


CONS

It was all downhill after that pilot

These writers don't know what they're doing at all

And they're really arrogant about it

Memo to all of the networks: Billy Campbell is actually a terrible actor

They lied to us!!!

It was probably that really rich guy anyway

Are there no other murders in this city?

Do I really want to watch Rosie Larsen's family cry for 13 more episodes?

Let's not forget that they are stretching a premise that could be done in 1 hour into 26 hours. You're telling me this story is so fucking amazing that it takes the equivalent of 13 full length feature films to tell it? One case!

The rain. So much rain.

Their shocking "twists" are always bullshit

Remember after all the backlash how the showrunner said the killer would be revealed a couple episodes into season 2? Well, now she's saying it won't happen until the very end. Are we really going to trust this crazy person?

I have a hard time rewarding people for screwing me over

As George Bush once said, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...you can't get fooled again."

I get uncomfortable that Linden won't just go to Sonoma. You'll have a great life there!

Liars.

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R. Kelly Would Love This

I was innocently watching HGTV the other night, and a show featuring million dollar rooms was on. This guy in a foreign country was showing off his house, which was made almost entirely of gold - including his bathroom. That's when this happened (the volume isn't great because I filmed it off my TV)...



So lucky, a massive golden shower every morning! God damn lucky 1 percenters.

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NBC Needs to Pull a Costanza

A sitcom called "Bent" starring Amanda Peet premieres tonight on NBC. I think I read the pilot and I think I liked it. The commercials look okay, and it's getting pretty great reviews. But apparently, NBC is burying this show and just burning it off in mid-season and has no faith in it.

Even if it's not the greatest thing in the world, doesn't this seem strange? I mean, can it really be worse than Chelsea's show? How can they tell apart their crappy sitcoms and their unbearably crappy sitcoms?

Maybe every instinct NBC has is wrong. Which means the opposite of their instincts, would therefore have to be right.

I don't know, we'll see if it's good. But it seems like they are giving their shit shows big pushes, and their good shows the shit treatment.

Or maybe I've just always been an Amanda Peet man.

OH, I forgot to add - JB Smoove is in this. Leon! Get in that ass, Larry! That's reason enough for me to watch.

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This Actress Has Been in Everything

There's an actress I keep seeing in everything. I'm not that big of fan of hers, but I'm impressed at the way she keeps popping up in the shows that I watch.

I first noticed her in an HBO series that only I liked called Unscripted.

After that was cancelled, she got cast as Louis CK's wife in his sitcom on HBO. She had a familiar voice, and it turns out she was also the voice of a character on King of the Hill.

Then she did a guest stint on Entourage. She played studio exec Dana Gordon, who used to sleep with Ari (and later did again) and helped Vince get on the ill fated film, Smoke Jumpers. At this point I figured that HBO just loved her because she was in every one of their series.

When Louis CK got his show on FX, he cast her in that as well. I guess he didn't blame her for how bad the HBO show was.

Now I'm seeing her on Californication on Showtime. I haven't watched that show from the beginning, but I think she's been on it pretty much the whole time.

She's at that level where you recognize her immediately, but she's not famous enough to where I know her name. And obviously, she's got that look where networks love to slot her into the "'30's, whip smart, a little edgy, kinda cute" role.

Well, today I read that she got cast in another pilot. Only, something was off about the story. It was her name. Constance Zimmer. I thought her name was Pamela something. I always see it pop up on the Louis credits, and was pretty sure it wasn't Constance Zimmer.

So I went over to IMDB, and lo and behold, this actress that I've been seeing on all these shows...is actually 2 different actresses!

One is Constance Zimmer, and the other is Pamela Adlon, and they may as well be the same person because I literally cannot tell them apart.

But not only do they look alike, they both frequently work for HBO. Pamela was on Unscripted and Lucky Louie, Constance was on Entourage.

Oh, and another thing - they were both on Boston Legal for multiple episodes!!!

Maybe some of you are Boston Legal fans, did you know about this? Could you tell them apart? Did you think that they just had the same actress play 2 different roles?





Even creating this post, copying and pasting these pictures, I got confused. Did anyone see that 60 Minutes about people who are face blind? Looking at these two ladies, I know exactly what being face blind feels like. I have no idea what I'm looking at when I stare at them long enough.

I wonder if anyone has cast one thinking they were getting the other. That probably has happened, but no one ever caught their mistake because they didn't realize that they are two different people.

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Tebowstradamus

After I did a post shitting on Tim Tebow when he became the starter for the Broncos this year, a commenter delighted in taunting me after each Tebow victory. At some point, I commented back and said:

Irwin Handleman said...

prediction: this time next year, he will be a 3rd string qb

This might not come true, but it's looking a lot better tonight.

Poor Tebow, he does just about all he could possibly do, and he's replaced by an old man with a broken neck.

It's interesting, I didn't hear too many Tebow lovers defending him today. After the frenzy of the comebacks and the season, I guess they have seen the light. Still, even though I hate him and think he sucks, it's pretty amazing that after everything he's about to be shipped off for a 5th round pick.

The Peyton Manning news was particularly harsh for me, because I am a 49er fan. And since I'm a real 49er fan and actually watch every single game, I am an Alex Smith hater. In fact, I might hate Alex Smith more than I love the Niners. Now it looks like we're stuck together again for an 8th (8th!!!) season. How depressing.

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Game Change

I watched Game Change on HBO. I really enjoyed the book so I was looking forward to the movie. There were 2 things I kept hearing about it before I watched:

1) Julianne Moore is amazing.

2) Sarah Palin comes off as a sympathetic figure.

Well holy shit, we must have a liberal media because I do not agree with those two things.

First off, I liked the movie. I thought it was entertaining. But I'd hope that people who haven't read the book, do so. Because it is a lot better.

And while I did like it, I do have a problem with these types of historic/biopic movies that come out right after the events they're dramatizing happened. It's hard to look at Ed Harris as John McCain and Julianne Moore and find them believable, no matter how good they are. The reason? We JUST watched all of this play out on a daily basis on TV in 2008.

It's like when Michael Mann and Wil Smith did "Ali". A year before, there was a documentary about the very same subject that was extremely good. So now you want me to watch the same exact story but with actors? Why? I just saw the real thing with the real people. You're not gonna do better than that.

We need time. We need to get away from it for awhile and then come back to it. Game Change the movie coming out right now just feels too soon. It's too fresh, and I don't need to see actors when I'm still seeing the real life people every day.

This is doubly true because of Tina Fey.

I'm surprised that Tina Fey hasn't been mentioned more in the "Julianne Moore is awesome" talk, because when anyone thinks of a Sara Palin impression they think of Tina. She did it first, and she did it best, and we all know it.

It reminds me of when everyone's George Bush (the first) impression was really just an impression of Dana Carvey doing George Bush.

Now, I didn't think Julianne Moore was terrible. She wasn't great though. I would say "uneven" at best. I didn't like her at the beginning, but the impression grew on me in parts of the middle. But don't take my word for it, some crazy asshole put together 12 minutes (!) of back to back Sarah Palin and Julianne Moore...



There's something too slow and retarded about Julianne Moore's take. Sarah Palin believes in what she's saying and is completely confident in how dumb she is. Julianne Moore is too measured, and it's like she's thinking about her impression and accent the whole time. It's too self conscious.

Okay, point number 2. Sarah Palin does not come off as a sympathetic character in this film. The only way you could possibly think that is if before watching it you believed she was a drooling, Ann Coulter meets Hitler ignorant hick.

Well, maybe that wouldn't be that crazy of an assumption, but still...she does not look good in this, and I don't think anyone who actually likes her would think she does. Only someone that hates her already and thought the absolute worst of her could be like, "oh, well at least she had some human characteristics". I think George W Bush called it the soft bigotry of low expectations. So F-U, liberal media.

That doesn't mean to say that the film is wrong in the way she's treated. Many of these events come right from multiple witnesses in the campaign, and many more of the events are what we all watched happen on TV. And there is one person who may come off even worse, and that's Steve Schmidt.

Steve Schmidt was the senior adviser to the campaign, and a source for a lot of the book and the movie. He's the guy who should be denouncing the film as not true, but instead, he's saying this is what really happened. And that should tell you something.

Because he is admitting that Palin was his idea. That he was responsible for her (non) vetting. That he stuck with it even after he realized that she would be quite dangerous for the country if she was elected.

He was also the one who came up with the very, very, very stupid idea to "suspend the campaign" when the economy collapsed. The movie shows him to be the genesis of almost all the stupid things in the campaign.

Steve Schmidt really sucks at his job. And he's not just admitting it, he's profiting on it now! Weird. I haven't seen someone make so much money for being incompetent since...well, Sarah Palin. So let's bring it back to her.

This movie reminded me of how very important she is to me. She is the source of all my political confusion. She's the reason I've taken up the fight against conservative extremists for the last 3 years. She is the beginning and she is the end. Because here's the thing about hardcore conservatives that I can't make sense of in my head:

They refuse to admit that she is bad.

This is it! This is the thing. This is my problem with every single one of you.

I don't care about disagreements over the issues. Pro Life? Fine. Anti-Stem Cell? If you like. Think all girls are sluts? Whatever.

But admit you were fucking wrong about Sarah Palin! If you can't admit that, then we can't talk. Because my follow up has to be, what would you admit to? What would she have to do for you to say, "okay, she is bad".

Well, you might say, Steve Schmidt and Nicole Wallace and every single other person on that campaign is lying about her. Okay, fine. But look at what is on the record. Look at that interview with Katie Couric. I dare you to look at it. Or look at what she's done since. Look at her quit being Governor. Just look.

Yes, she should admired for becoming Mayor, then Governor. For having a million babies and being a mom. Those are (sorta) good things. She made a terrific speech at the convention. But she should not be considered a plausible candidate for anything beyond Alaska. And this is not a partisan thing, the fact is she was not ready to be a breath away from the presidency. She thought the Queen of England was calling the shots for England! What does it take for you people to understand this!

And again, it's not her beliefs that bother me. It's not that she's a woman. It's not that she's a bumpkin. It's not she criticizes Obama. I have no liberal conspiracy against her. I have a conspiracy against dumb people. And Sarah Palin, through the course of that campaign, proved herself to be too dumb to be Vice President or God help us, President.

And even worse, she was proud of her ignorance.

If you can't admit these things about Sarah Palin, then there is no debate to have about anything. Cause you are living in crazy town.

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Courtney Is Still Winning

Sources tell PEOPLE that the Ford model – whose antics annoyed her fellow Bachelor contestants – is in talks with Dancing with the Stars producers and that it's possible she could make an appearance on the March 19 season premiere.

When asked about the rumor, a show rep said simply, "We do not comment on casting rumors. You'll have to tune in Monday and see."

If Robertson, 28, were a last-minute addition to this season's cast, she would only have five days to rehearse. Not that it can't be done as evidenced by former Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft, who was a last-minute addition in season eight when she replaced an injured Nancy O'Dell.

Another question mark is which pro dancer would team with the 5-feet-9-inch tall Robertson? The taller pros, including Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Tony Dovolani, already have partners.

After coming off the tumultuous season of The Bachelor, Robertson said she was eager to show people who she really is.

"I'm just a normal girl from Arizona," Robertson has said.


Nice gals finish last.

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My TV Watching Slate is Overwhelming Me

Thank God the Bachelor ended. I'm overwhelmed with TV right now. I'm not sure I've ever had such a busy schedule, and I've fallen behind. Let's take a look at my current list (ordered from most gay to least gay):

Tosh.0
Smash
The Voice
Fashion Star
Selling LA
Jersey Shore
Revenge
The Challenge: Battle of the Exes
Portlandia
Saturday Night Live
Real Time with Bill Maher
Up All Night
Parks and Recreation
Celebrity Apprentice
Luck
Awake
House of Lies
Shark Tank
Walking Dead
Eastbound and Down

Sadly, I actually watch a lot more than this. For example, I also watch every Laker game, Sportscenter, all boxing, multiple episodes of Friends, etc. But this list represents shows that get recorded and are must sees every week. My life is a miserable failure.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, After the Final Rose

Great start: Chris says "you just watched Ben do what millions of Americans hoped he would not do". And then "did Ben already have an affair with another woman as a tabloid has supposedly proven?" Oooh, I like the sound of that.

Ben comes out, and his hair is even stupider now. Chris grills him about watching Courtney on TV. Ben sort of excuses her behavior, and says he wished that she had been more gracious.

Finally, he says watching her made them breakup. The audiences GASPS, it's really funny. He says they didn't talk for weeks. But I'm pretty sure he's saying this just to look better because he was having sex with other girls.

Ben: "On my father's grave, I haven't kissed another woman". Those are my friends from San Francisco. Really?


I wonder how his dead dad is feeling right about now.

We go to commercial and then Courtney comes out. She says they were happy for a month until the show started airing. Ben didn't even send her a card or flowers for Valentine's Day.

Courtney says that Ben abandoned her. Marriage means something to her, and she wanted this to work. Chris asks if they're still a couple and she says yes. Then "I think so". Then she starts crying. I think she's trying to get America on her side and make Ben look like the dick. "This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through".

Ben comes out and joins her. He says they're in a good place and engaged.

Chris: "Ben when the going got tough, you split. Why?" Ben agrees with that assessment. He says it was hard because he's a no drama person and so is she. The crowd laughs.

The way Chris is framing these questions, it sounds like he's trying to fuck Courtney.

Courtney says that she doesn't fully trust Ben yet. They both say the problem was not being able to be together, so that's what they need. Yeah, I'm sure that's gonna help. It's always worked with all of the other Bachelors and their fiances who are no longer together.

They're putting on a brave face, but it seems pretty clear that this ain't working. I don't know if they're forced to do this or what, but I'm not buying it and neither is the studio audience or Chris.

I think this is what you do to try and salvage a season, and not completely alienate your audience.

By the way, if I was Ben I would be defending Courtney way more. I'd say Courtney was just really there for me, and she's honest to a fault, and she felt ganged up on, and she's not that person. He's doing none of that. Cause he sucks at everything.

It's sorta hard for me to believe that Ben wanted nothing to do with her just because of watching the show. Yes, Courtney was bad, but it couldn't have been that shocking for him. I mean, she's still the same person. I don't know, I think he just got famous from the show and wanted to have sex with people and got busted and used this whole "Courtney is evil" thing as an excuse.

For some unknown reason, Chris whips out the engagement ring. The audience GASPS again. Settle down, fat old ladies. Stop all the gasping.

No one tells us why Chris has that ring. But it is presented back to Courtney because Ben "very much" wants her to have it again.

The Bachelor producers scramble to show us something happy and positive by bring out Ashley and JP. Gross. The fact that they think Ashley is likeable should tell you something.

Ashley says she can relate to Courtney because people were really hard on her, "but not so much on JP". That's right, dummy. That's cause JP was cool. It should be noted if given the choice between Courtney and Ashley, I'd take Courtney in a freaking second.

Chris tells Ashley that being with JP "makes her look a lot smarter". Ha!

I forgot how much I hate Ashley, she just tries so hard to be cute.

And that's kinda it. The show goes out with a whimper. Such an odd choice to bring out those two to end it. No Lindzi? Who is making these decisions? That's bad television.

So there's your season, everyone. Courtney at least gave us something to talk about. You gotta give her that. Unlike Ben, she was somewhat entertaining so don't hate too much.

Next up: Emily the Bachelorette. See you then. Goodnight!

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, The Finale

I'm so depressed. 3 hours? And daylight savings time just happened, I'm losing sleep, none of this is good. Plus, 2 girls and 3 hours? You could make a strong argument that we'd all be better off if the finale was 1 hour, and the After the Rose was 2 hours. Cause it should be far more interesting.

Here's what we're all expecting: Ben chooses Courtney. After the final rose: they're already broken up. Let's see if we're going to waste 3 hours finding out what we already know:

Oh, by the way, I saw this headline today: "Ben the Bachelor Explains Why He Comes Off So Boring on TV". Didn't read it, I assume it said it's because he's boring in real life.

We are at the Matterhorn. Ben's mom and sister are there, and they both try to not look exactly like Ben and fail miserably.

It almost looks like Ben is shaving the sides of his head and then the hair from the top of his head is hanging over. That's the only way I can describe it.

Ben's sister tells him that a girl who doesn't get along with other girls is a red flag. Uh, where were you 5 episodes ago?

Lindzi is up first. She meets Ben's peeps. Again, so bizarre that she's here in the finale. It seems like they've barely had even one legitimate conversation. Lindzi is nervous and keeps dropping her utensils. She's babbling. It's like she's suddenly realizing that "winning" means actually being with Ben.

At one point, Lindzi confuses Ben's sister for Ben and starts to make out with her, but then realizes her mistake when the sister didn't lick her lips first. That's how much they look alike.

Ben's sister asks Lindzi about Courtney and the girls not getting along with her. I don't even remember Lindzi ever talking to Courtney. She's barely been on the show! Sadly, she's the worst representative to talk shit about Courtney.

Courtney's turn to meet the family. She immediately gets grilled about her relationships with the other girls. She tries to explain herself. However, Ben's mom and sister are already biased against her because Courtney's a model and they are unattractive.

It appears that Courtney's magical manipulations don't work as well on women. Imagine that. Maybe she should invite his sister to go skinny dipping.

Hold the phone! Courtney has still got it. She completely tricked Ben's sister and got her on her side. She's amazing. Is there something in those eyebrows that hypnotizes people?

Time for the last one on one dates. Lindzi first...

Oh boy, more horses. Ben drives up in a horse drawn carriage. I bet the Bachelor Copter is jealous.

They go skiing. But first, they take a gondola ride up the mountain, stop in the middle, and say lame stuff to each other. Lindzi "This love I feel is bigger than any love I've felt before". What a shitty life she's had.

Later that night, they cozy up next to a fire and drink wine. Lindzi claims that she uses humor to shield her feelings. We have seen no evidence of her using humor ever. Maybe she meant to say horses instead of humor.

Lindzi spills her guts to Ben. Every time she says I love you she does a weird thing with her face, like it's the most painful thing to say in the world.


I hate when Ben says "I was waiting for you to get to this point, and be able to say this stuff to me". It's like he thinks every girl will eventually fall in love with him at some point, and Lindzi is some kind of asshole because it took her longer than everyone else.

Courtney's turn. And the Bachelor Copter returns. They fly above the Matterhorn and make out.

Everyone always sends me this so I might as well post it:


Ben cooks. They chat. They kiss. So of course Ben does this:


Courtney makes one of those dumb scrapbooks. I used to know the percentages on scrapbooks given before the final rose, but I forget it. I think it was usually bad to give one, but she might break that streak.

If this was a football game, Courtney was already up 45-17, and that scrapbook was a completely unnecessary Hail Mary with time running out just to run up the score.

And now, she goes in for the real kill. We've seen this pattern before. Courtney brings on the water works, and makes Ben feel like he has wronged her. She tells him she was surprised his mom and sister brought up the other girls thing and that wasn't cool of him. Since we've been watching all season, we can only assume this is totally working and messing with his head in just the right way.

I don't know if anyone has a better life than Neil Lane. He flies to awesome places, sits with some dumb schmuck for 2 minutes and sells him a ring that will be immediately returned, and then enjoys the rest of his vacation.

The girls get ready for the final rose, and for some reason Lindzi dresses like Robinhood. She's got a cape on. Maybe it's the Green Lantern, I don't know, it's something inappropriate.

FINAL ROSE TIME

The first woman shows up, and getting out of the helicopter it's...

A green cape. Who could it possibly be? They slowly pan up on the cape like we're a bunch of idiots. It's LINDZI, the Green Hornet. And this has indeed been a complete waste of time.

Ben gives her the big speech. Says he fell in love with her, then does the giant sigh. The sigh that says I'm about to make you look like a big idiot on national TV. He apologizes. She is stunned and says nothing, and then Ben awkwardly says "Can I walk you out?" Out where? You're on a fucking mountain.

Lindzi still hasn't spoken.

Finally, she says she's mad at herself for not giving him "what he needed". I think she's talking about handjobs.

"If things don't work out, call me"

Oh Lindzi, that's even more embarrassing than Kacie's crazy limo hysterics.

Shit, Courtney is sort of wearing a cape too. I didn't know it was cape weather. Hers is white. The cape comes off and she's wearing a pretty hot black dress. She knows what she's doing.

Ben gives her the big speech, and then the sigh and a "BUT". But it's all trickery, because he is indeed proposing. They tried to fake us out and it was shitty. Courtney resists the urge to punch him in his dumb face.

He gets down on one knee and pops the question, and she says yes. You did it, Courtney. You "won". I bet she's regretting not going on Survivor or something where when you win you get a million bucks. Instead, she gets a ring and a dork.

Courtney looks about a thousand times too good looking for him right now. It's odd seeing them next to each other as a couple.

All right, it's time for After the Final Rose, you can scroll up for that...

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The Sweet Taste of Victory

A few years ago, there was an avid reader of this blog who would sometimes post comments. I've spoken of him before, and how he would email me his ultra conservative thoughts. He would accuse me of having liberal guilt, and that was the only reason I could like Obama. He also claimed that the only reason I was mocking Sarah Palin was because I was scared of her, that she was going to take down the Democrats.

Which obviously, is all very funny.

It was also fascinating to me. I had never come across people like this. I've watched O'Reilly and Hannity and these guys, but I assumed it was a bit of an act.

I even wrote the 1 hour pilot that has done amazing things for me about conservative media personalities like this, and how they secretly love Obama because it's great for ratings. It's no fun complaining about people who aren't in power.

I couldn't let this drop.

He seemed to have some intelligence, so I wanted to find out where he was coming from. And I probably also thought at some point he would admit that he didn't really believe these things, but just doing it for comedy or something.

In our back and forth, I discovered that he had a blog of his own where he wrote all of his extremist conservative rantings. He even got hired by a small conservative website to blog for them. Since he had so generously followed me, I kept up with this posts. Occasionally, when he made errors, or outright lied, I would post a comment to correct him.

Before I move on, is this considered trolling? I've heard this word before but don't really understand it. Pamie explained it to me once, and told me I shouldn't post argumentative things on other blogs, but I don't really get it.

If someone writes a blog post that is just blatantly wrong, why is it not okay to correct the record? Well, I think it is. Call it trolling or whatever, but I don't think it's cool to just let stuff slide. Plus, these kinds of folks are often living in a bubble, and they should at least hear the other side of the argument.

Okay, back to the story.

So I would post a comment sometimes. The other commenters of course would yell at me. Although some, even as they disagreed with me, would follow me on twitter and be friendly and it seemed all well and good.

Again, I enjoy this debate. This was great fun for me. It's interesting to hear their insane take on things (science is bad! Santorum is good!). That being said, I respect the other side, what I don't understand, and what I'm constantly confused by, are the people who are so blindly partisan that they cannot concede points. They can't admit that their side fucked up. They can't take news and look at it as it is, they can only look at it and think of how they can use it as a weapon against the other side. This baffles me. Why would anyone want to live this way?

Through this guy I discovered this whole world of conservatives on twitter. It is the most interesting thing in the world to me, and I can't get over it. I want to just talk to these people all day long and figure out where it went wrong for them (interestingly, for most it was 9/11. At some point, history going to look back and really see how 9/11 frightened and radicalized a lot of people. Just look at Dennis Miller).

One of this blogger's favorite things to say, and he writes it over and over again, and I mean, over AND over again, is this:

"Liberals want us to shut up, conservatives want liberals to keep talking"

A constant refrain. Another one: Obama wants you to shut up. He will not tolerate dissent. Another one: Michelle Obama cannot tell us what to eat! She's a fat ass! How dare she tell us not to eat cheeseburgers when she eats the whole menu of McDonalds!

And then his hero Andrew Breitbart died. He got really sad about it. And he wrote a post about the dangers of working too hard, and not paying attention to your health, and eating right.

So I went on there, and I wrote "jeez, with all of this talk about working out and eating right, you're sounding a lot like Michelle Obama".

For some reason, that was the comment that broke the asshole's back. He deleted the comment and banned me from his blog!

The crazy thing is, this is a huffington post type blog. Anyone can comment on there. There was a guy posting comments calling everyone sluts. Literally, every liberal woman was a slut. But my Michelle Obama jab crossed the line for some reason.

Honestly, I couldn't have been happier. I broke him! The bully backed down. He can dish it out, but he obvious can't take it. It's a victory. And even better, I don't have to comment there anymore and can return to my life.

The only thing that bums me out is that the friends I made over there don't know any of this, and are going to think that I just gave up. I didn't give up, he did! So that sucks. I wish they knew that he wants liberals to shut up.

What I've discovered through all of this is that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much sense you make, no matter how many facts you have, you can't make these people admit they are wrong. Ever. So there's really no point in trying.

But at least you can force them to surrender, so I'll take that as my small victory.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 10: The Women Tell All

They are somehow getting 2 hours out of it. 2 hours of girls bitching about that bitch Courtney, no doubt.

Before we get to the women telling all, we get a "where are they now?" segment about our favorite bachelor and bachelorette's of all time! Wait, I thought that was just called the Bachelor Pad. Ah, who cares? This is good shit...

For some reason, they're all in Vegas. It's for a reunion of some sort. Mickey and Cristina are hooking up, and no one remembers who Cristina is because she's from Andrew's season, and I think that happened in the '90's.

Nick, the formerly fake blonde personal train interviews to us, and he's the guy who reads the blog and emailed me! Hey Nick, how about a heads up next time?

Frog voiced Kasey is seen in a disgusting makeout session with someone named Lisa P who was in Brad's second season. No idea who she is, but she obviously has a thing for deaf idiots.

High energy/gay/water heater aficionado Ryan P is there and as annoying as ever. They're trying to convince us that all the ladies love him. It's kinda like how my aunt and uncle try to convince my family that their son who stutters and reads encyclopedias for leisure gets laid left and right.

Frank is here. Still gay as well. He reunites with Ali. Ali pretends that they still have "intense chemistry".

Erika shits on Ali and says she's not looking her best. As opposed to Erika, who is always looking her worst.

Huge shock: Michele Money wants another round on the Bachelor Pad. I guess that acting thing or that marrying rich athletes thing isn't going so well.

That ends, and we finally see the women from this season, and they all look pretty much the same. There's usually that one girl who darkens her hair and gets bangs, but these ladies haven't made any bad decisions, other than being on The Bachelor and liking Ben.

The first montage is actually pretty funny, because it's just all clips of girls calling Blakely a prostitute. Even better, they have a camera on Blakely as she watches it. Ah, a hooker with a heart of gold, guys.

I bet they all forgot that 3 episode arc at the beginning when Blakely was the Courtney.

Jaclyn is a disgusting MONSTER. Didn't she last like 5 episodes too? How insane is that?


That's how stupid Ben is, let us never forget that.

Jennifer looks fantastic. Fuck all the haters. I love her.

Sam the Sash is all kinds of fired up. She really hates Blakely. Blakely's defense? I'm older. Can't argue with that.

Yes! Brittney says she left because "there was no attraction whatsoever to Ben". Ha ha. You didn't hear anyone saying that about Brad.

Sam the Sash is out of her mind! Why is her mouth so awful?

Chris claims that "America is still buzzing" about Shawntel showing up in San Francisco. I don't know about America, but I think I know what Jaclyn is feeling about it...


Well, now Shawntel shows up here. Jesus, have some pride in yourself. This is really getting embarrassing. It's Ben!

Holy shit! I almost forgot that Jenna is sitting right there! They haven't even mentioned her at all. Which is insane because of all the crazies in the room right now, she is far and away the craziest.

Shawntel says "things are really good back in Chico". That sentence has never been uttered before ever.

Emily doesn't seem to understand why Ben got rid of her, and thinks it was all Courtney's fault. She's not recognizing that the mere fact that Ben loves Courtney and would listen to her at all should disqualify him as someone to go out with.

Emily says sex clouded Ben's mind. A guy was thinking about sex with a girl he's gonna potentially marry? Yuck.

Vegas odds had Kasey S at 500 to 1 odds of speaking 1 word or less tonight. She's on pace for that.

Nikki goes on the hot seat, then Kacie. Nothing exciting. It almost feels like the show should pull an audible. You want Ben and Courtney to come out here and say it was all a big mistake, answer all of the questions, and then Ben takes Kacie and Nikki into the final 2 and we see what happens. But hey, who wants to make this show interesting?

It seems like Kacie, Nikki, and Emily have formed a little girl club of Ben rejects. They love each other. That's not an awesome thing to have in common, guys.

While cutting to commercial, they have a shot of Courtney pacing backstage. This is becoming professional wrestling! I can't believe they didn't have Mean Gene Okerland interviewing her back there.

I guess they're pulling a bit of an audible, they never bring back any of the final 2 girls to face the other ladies. And yet, here comes Courtney.

And the hate fest begins! While these girls had their differences earlier, they are now bonding over how much they despise Courtney. Hold the pohne! Chris says "I want to go to Kasey S...". Thus, forcing Kasey S to speak. And it's to defend Courtney. All of the other girls laugh at her.

At long last, Courtney comes out and says she's terrified. I would be too, the girls are frightening. Oh wait, that's just Jacyln's face.

Blakely: "Courtney, what did I ever do to you for you to call me a stripper?" Well, you dress like one, and oh, you actually are one.

Courtney is pretending to be all meek and humble and apologetic. She's making completely different faces than her normal mean/awesome/I'm better than everyone else faces that we are used to. She is playing a different character, it's amazing. Maybe she can have an acting career, after all.

At one point, the girls start yelling at each other, and Courtney just looks at Chris like, "see? They're the crazy bitches, not me". How does she always know what to do?

Emily yells at Courtney and she just looks up at the sky with tears in her eyes. She is fucking fantastic.

Jenna speaks! And it's to yell at Courtney. Dammit. Why is Jenna not being recognized for the psychopath she truly is?

Courtney breaks down, "I take it all back". Oh Lord. Take the Oscar away from Meryl Streep right now. Or at least away from that chick in The Help, this performance is way better.

Slip of the tongue? Courtney says she "cared for Ben...and still do". Interesting.

Oh bummer, just as Courtney leaves and the show should be over, Ben comes out. He looks as stupid as ever. Jennifer jumps in to ask him a question, and somehow shits on Blakely way worse than Courtney ever did. She goes "you picked Blakely over me, I mean, you were going to take her home to meet your mom?"

I hate the questions they're asking him. They should all just be mocking his choices and saying "don't you feel stupid now".

Ben almost flat out admits that after watching the show he realized he fucked up.

Jamie: "a lot of times it doesn't work out with whoever you choose and I still think you're fabulous". Everyone here knows that it's already over!!! This is unprecedented.

They preview the finale. And then, in the credits, the credits! they mention crazy ass Jenna. What a disgrace. You're telling me that in 2 hours of show you couldn't fit Jenna in? We learn nothing about her insanity.

Next week, this ends. Hallelujah. Goodnight!

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Watch "Awake" Tonight on NBC

I've never been really clear on why networks choose certain shows to come on as midseason replacements. This year, it felt like NBC saved the shows that they felt had any chance of success until midseason. Again, I don't know why.

But now suddenly, they have The Voice (why save it to be during American Idol?), Smash, and now, Awake.

I've written about it before, but Awake was by far my favorite pilot script of last season. It was written by Kyle Killen, who just happened to write my favorite pilot script of the season before that. The infamous, and brilliant, Lone Star.

It was interesting to note the similarities between Awake and Lone Star, and then I heard an interview with Kyle where he explained that that was intentional. He wanted to do the same thing as Lone Star, but in a way that an audience would actually want to watch. So he took the guts of it, and then filled it in with what he hoped would be more appealing to a wider audience.

Tonight, he finally gets to see it if it paid off. But since it's NBC, it probably won't matter anyway.

I have no idea how the series will be, but I can tell you that the pilot is amazing, so check it out...

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