Have Lip Injections Looked Good Even a Single Time?

A lady by the name of Brandi Glanville was on the Howard Stern program the other day. Brandi used to be married to Eddie Cibrian. Who? Who the fuck knows. Well, we all know, but only because Eddie cheated on Brandi with LeAnn 'Crypt Keeper' Rimes and they ran off together. They probably didn't actually run anywhere, he just went over to her house, probably drove a Range Rover or something, and now they're together.

I didn't know too much about Brandi. But Howard kept saying how hot she is, and since Eddie is quite a looker himself, I assumed this to be accurate. I also didn't realize that Brandi is now on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

I do not watch that show. Because I am a Real Housewives of New Jersey loyalist. That Beverly Hills edition is trash, but New Jersey, now that's good television.

But the other day I was flipping the channels and saw that Beverly Hills was on. Because of the Brandi thing, I wanted to give her a look see. So I turned the channel and was shocked to discover:

MONSTERS

Monster looking ladies. All of them were horrifying to look at. Every single one of them. Their faces have all been altered in all kinds of disturbing ways. But there is one unifying theme to their grotesqueness: their lips.

What is happening in the lip world? We can crack open a chest, replace a heart, but Lisa Rinna's gotta look like God Damn Ronald McDonald? And this is Beverly Hills! Where the best plastic surgeons do their work. So the question is:

Are there a lot of great lip jobs being done that go unnoticed? Or are they all terrible and women think that they are good?

I don't know the answer, I put it to you. But you'd think if there were good ones, Meg Ryan and Courteney Cox would have them, and they clearly don't.

So ladies, enough with the lips. It's just not working. I'll take a set of Don Henley's over a Vanderpump any day of the week.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 9

It's the Fantasy Suite episode. If Selma had made it this far, it would've resulted in her getting stoned to death. They are in Thailand. Hey, maybe they'll run into Ames, on one of his "boy weekends". If Ames ever caught a glimpse of Sean with his shirt off...well, he wouldn't care, cause Sean is over 18.

Before we really begin, Sean gives a summary of his relationship with each of the girls. To recap, Catherine is Filipino and fun and goofy, and if you believe her sisters, a moody, attention starved commitment phobe. Oh, and a tree once fell on her friend's head. AshLee was adopted, molested, and would prefer to be blind. And Lindsay is a teenaged slut.

By the way, Sean is going on Dancing with the Stars. But I'm sure right after that he'll go back to selling insurance in Texas and settle down with one of these 3 girls. There's no way that won't go according to plan.

First up, it's Lindsay. She is tiny, and wearing something that makes it appear like she has boobs. It's quite an illusion, a Copperfield-esque performance.

Whoa! All right, something crazy is happening. They are showing tweets about the show on the bottom of the screen. Way to introduce this 20 seasons and 9 episodes in. Can we just stop it with the social media ploys? If I wanted to know what people were saying on Twitter, I'd go on Twitter.

They go eat weird food. And then Sean attempts to force Lindsay to eat bugs. He's such a dick about this stuff on dates, and he gets mad when the girls don't do all of the horrible shit he wants. He loves torture. He's like Dick Cheney, with hairless pecs.

Lindsay, weak minded as she is, eats the bugs. She hates it. Sean gleefully smiles to camera, "she's a sport, she did it!" Of course she did it, she saw what you did to Selma. She's not a sport, she's a fucking hostage.

Sean tells Lindsay that she's "the best friend that I've been looking for". Really? You were looking for a 24 year old best friend who can't talk and makes up for it by dressing up in wedding gowns and sticking her tongue down your throat? I'm looking for a cool bro to shoot hoops with as a best friend, but that's me.

At long last, Sean takes his shirt off. And then they feed monkeys. Do not feed the monkeys! Have they not seen Hangover 2? I'm asking because I hope they haven't, it's a terrible movie.

"Lindsay has it all". He said it with a straight face.

Sean seems to really be into this girl. And they aren't really setting up the "she's too young to get married" grenade. If anything, they are going overboard trying to say that she's totally ready. Well, we know she has the dress.

At dinner, guess what Sean compliments Lindsay on? Eating all of the gross stuff at the market. See? It was a test. And she passed by being as insecure as humanly possible.

The fantasy suite card makes it's first appearance of the season. And holy shit, Lindsay says no! Just kidding, he showed her the card and she immediately got naked and spread her legs.

They tease it for a long time, and finally Lindsay tells him that she's in love with him. I don't think I can be in love with someone until I've had sex with them. That's part of love. Hello? It's called love making, people. You can't know if you haven't made it yet. But seriously. Some people suck at sex, and then afterwards, they'd be all, "I thought you were in love with me?" And then I'd have to say, "well, I was, but then you kind of just laid there, so I fell out of love". So let's save us both the heartache and wait 'till after to exchange pleasantries.

Lindsay comes out of this date as the clear favorite. Because yes, Sean is that dumb.

Second date is with AshLee. Sean says that on their last date, AshLee told him she loved him many, many times. And he says that like it's a bad thing. Cause it is.

Sean brags about how on this date he's gonna make AshLee do a bunch of shit she hates. He says, "this is gonna be scary for her". Hey, how about instead, you just let her have fun and be happy? No? Okay. Commence water boarding. 

They have to swim in a cave to get to their hang out spot. AshLee is freaked out, especially because she was molested in a cave.

She keeps saying that she's more vulnerable and terrified than she's ever been in her entire life. She was adopted by a cave.

It should be mentioned, for the record, that AshLee is smoking hot. Bat shit crazy? Yes. But smoking hot nonetheless.

AshLee talks some nonsense about how she wants to go to the fantasy suite, but morally she can't do stuff if he's gonna do that stuff with the other girls. Whatever. You know you're gonna suck some dick. You're in the final 3, it's no time to get soft! (pun wasn't intended but now it is)

Sean presents the card, and then explains to AshLee that he's not going to fuck her...yet. They're just going to "talk". Yep, that's what I tell the ladies too. Let's just talk! How many times do you think "let's just talk" has led to insertion? How about, every fricking time.

Someone from "BachelorNation", just tweeted "if I went to the fantasy suite with Sean I would only allow heavy petting". Okay, maybe this twitter thing isn't the worst thing in the world.

Third date. Catherine. The Asian. Let's hope she's not in one of her "moods". I wonder how Sean is going to torture her on this date. Deadly eels? Face eating monkeys? More time with her family?

Instead, they go on a boat and Catherine does her best Titanic impression. If the boat goes down, you know Sean isn't sharing his piece of wood.

For absolutely no reason, Sean begins questioning if Catherine could settle down with him in Dallas. I'm not sure why he would doubt her more than the others, but he does. Thus, either setting us up with a giant mislead, or giving himself evidence for the dumpage to come.

You know what they call Filipinos? Asians with asses. Not so in Catherine's case. Sadly, the white half of her went to the ass. Bummer.

This is how selfish this motherfucker is. Look how he kisses her:

Hey jerkwad, maybe meet her halfway at a kissing level that works for both of you?

Sean says that Catherine "gets him" better than anyone else. There is tons to get with him, you guys.

Everyone keeps saying how weird Catherine is. You know what weird girls love to do? Get engaged and then run for the fucking hills. I have to say, I don't know if the sisters got to me or what, but Catherine really does seem different to me now. She is kind of a downer.

"You're such a hunk!" Ha. "You're so beefy and hunky". What is happening?! "I never thought I'd be with someone like that". Whoa! Catherine just revealed that she was made fun of a lot and she used to be a fat girl. Ladies and gentleman, it's Monica Gellar!

Such a weird little piece of dialogue, basically saying that she still feels like a fat girl and can't believe that she's hooking up with a good looking guy. We've learned a lot about Catherine tonight.

Oh my God, a horrible promo for the movie "Oz" is introduced by Chris Harrison. I feel terrible for everyone. Someone has to pay for those fantasy suites, I guess, I just never imagined it would be James Franco.

Who is going home? This is tough. Usually the Bachelor drops some hints to the girls in order to lessen the pain, but I feel like Sean acted like he was in love with all of them. The only one he showed a little bit of doubt over is Catherine. Though he did seem a bit wary of AshLee's craziness. Combine that and the fact that she's practically a spinster, I say AshLee is toast. If he brings a blindfold to the final rose ceremony, we know it's her.

Sean watches video messages from the girls, mostly because they didn't have enough content for this episode. They are as normal as they can be, until it's AshLee's turn. She cries through hers, not helping herself at all. Sean looks concerned. Or maybe he just has to poop.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Sean gives a speech about how Emily dumped him at this point in her season, and his worst fear is that one of them will feel "blindsided". Um, then maybe you shouldn't have taken the girl you're getting rid of into the fantasy suite and acted like you loved her!

As Sean lifts the first rose, Lindsay says "fuck" out loud. Cause she's marriage material.

LINDSAY - man's best friend.

(the pauses are the longest they've ever been)

CATHERINE - I think she's going all the way. That would be historic - breaking the yellow barrier.

Okay, prepare for water works.

Instead, AshLee looks PISSED. And then, on cue, Lindsay says "she looks PISSED!".

AshLee doesn't want to even talk to him. But he makes her. He calls it the hardest decision he's ever had to make. She doesn't say anything back. She just gets in the car. She interviews "this wasn't a silly game to me. This wasn't about laughing and joking". Of course it wasn't, you're over 30! This was your last chance at a hunk. Now you have to slum it with dudes like me.

The only thing that could make this worse is if a cave didn't give her a rose.

It's funny, Lindsay and Catherine really did look like two little girls standing next to AshLee. They didn't seem worthy. If you were just looking at the 3 of them together, you would guess AshLee would be the clear winner. Maybe I'm undervaluing the ability to not be bat shit crazy. 

Next week: The women tell all! I guarantee they tell all...about how much they hate Tierra.

Goodnight. 

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The Difference Between Talent and The Talent

TWO DAYS AGO...

Picture me on my couch. In sweatpants. Alone. Computer at my side. I'm writing. A DVR'd episode of "The Americans" playing on my TV.

Tweets pop up on my screen, as I've ordered them to do. I see one from Steve Martin. It's about Joel McHale, a guy I used to share an office with. I guess they're hanging out somewhere. Having a grand ol' time, palling around. And I think, "Man, Joel sure is lucky. He gets to hang out with Steve Motherfucking Martin. Damn."

FLASHBACK TO:

TWO WEEKS AGO

I'm on the couch. In sweatpants. Alone. Computer at my side. I'm writing. The TV is on.

An Instant Message pops up on my screen. It's from a friend. She is in publicity, and sorta in charge of an awards show. She's IMing me because they don't have a host for the show and she is panicked. They keep getting turned down.

She wants to know if I know any celebrities that might be able to do it. I think for a moment, indeed there is. I write to her. "Joel McHale. He hosts tons of stuff, is great at it, he'd be perfect".

She thinks that is a wonderful idea. She profusely thanks me. The next day she calls me - "You're a genius! We talked to Joel's people! He's in! Thank you!!!"

BACK TO

TWO DAYS AGO

As I'm reading the tweets of Steve Martin, I realize he's at an awards show with Joel. Wait a minute! It's that awards show! The one I told my friend to get Joel for.

CUT TO:

PRESENT DAY

I'm on the couch. In sweatpants. Alone. Computer at my side. TV is on. I'm typing this blog. And I've never palled around with Steve Martin.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 8

Ugh. Two nights in a row of this again? Really? Sorry, but you can't call it a "2 Night Event" when you keep holding that event every week. It ceases to be an event! Events are rare! Assholes.

Anyway, hometown visit time. How bummed are we that this doesn't include a trip to Baghdad? With Selma's family offering Sean a goat head and some virgins for his trip home. Bummer.

First up, we are in Houston, Texas. The site of this year's NBA All Star Game. Side note: had a brilliant yet racist idea this weekend, shouldn't we combine the NBA All Star Game and the BET Awards? Seriously though, Ne-Yo did 3 songs before the game yesterday. 3! Plus, Kevin Hart was already there. Think of the savings.

AshLee lives here. Her and Sean bond over the fact that their fathers are pastors or possibly reverends. Sorry guys, no idea what any of those titles mean. But I assume they are the kind that are allowed to fuck women and don't fuck kids. Just a guess.

Sean calls AshLee a "frontrunner". Um, you do realize you're the one choosing here, right? If you want the underdog to win, it's your call. AshLee says she's never brought home somebody that she's "truly, madly, deeply in love with". She has brought home dudes she was just casually banging though.

AshLee's adopted, right? Ooh, that's tough. You can't do the mom test with her. Because if we were doing it, that would not be a good sign for Ashlee 30 years down the road. Her mom looks like Mike Ditka, and coincidentally, her dad is the long lost twin of Dick Butkus.

At lunch, AshLee is awkwardly honest with her parents, detailing her and Sean's various make out sesh's. Everyone is uncomfortable. Ditka then asks Sean if he's going to break AshLee's heart.  Um, definitely. Sean quickly changes the subject to AshLee's abandonment issues and how she's a totally broken person. Nice one.

Sean and AshLee's dad get alone, and Sean pulls a bold maneuver. As he's being interrogated, he flips the script and basically calls the guy a bad father for letting AshLee get married when she was 17. Well done, sir. Butkus is immediately on the defensive - which is good because he used to play linebacker - and completely forgets that Sean is going to finger AshLee in the fantasy suite.

AshLee wants to get married right now. She's not kidding either. Obviously, this is not normal behavior, and quite scary. Who would've guessed the girl who was a child bride is fast on the ol' marriage trigger?

Next, we go to Seattle, Catherine's hometown. 10 bucks says hey're going to that stupid place where they throw the fish at you.

Instead, they get on a coin operated pig, which is basically just the kids version of a Sybian. That ends quickly and they head to...

Throwing the fish!!!!!!! Oh, TV, you are so predictable. According to my television viewing, this is the only place that exists in Seattle.

Catherine likes Sean's "big, beefy arms". What, no love for his bald nips?

I'm so confused by Catherine's looks. Is she hot? Sometimes. Is she kinda average too? Yep. I don't know what's going on. But she is Filipino, and quite frankly I've had some trouble with that in the past and feel like Sean needs to be warned. Let's just say they're not big on following through on things, like weddings. But I'm not bitter.

Sean has a jolly time with Catherine and her family, all of whom are women. They laugh, have a good time, and then for some reason Sean does push ups with Catherine on his back while Grams watches, pleasuring herself.

They don't show the Dad, but he has to be white. There is some strong Caucasian blood in this family. Which as we all know is totally the best kind of blood.

Catherine's sisters are horrified that she actually likes Sean. They thought she was going on the show as a goof. Well, Sean is going out with her as a goof, if that makes you feel better. 

The sisters get Sean alone. They tell him Catherine's M.O. is to go all in with a guy, and then when the fun is over, she bolts. Yeah, tell me about it, sisters.
 
In short, they don't think Catherine wants to settle down. I think they like Sean more than they like their own sister. They start talking about "her moods". Jesus. Sean is suddenly facing the fact that he is dating Sybil (reference!).

Basically, Catherine's family sabotages her. God Damn Filipinos! I told you. You can't trust them!

All right, time to get back to the white girls, who are completely trustworthy. It's Lindsay, the boozy, wedding dress wearing, make out bandit. She's also a military brat. So we're at some army base in Missouri. In accordance, the producers setup their meeting in front of a fake cannon. Well done, location scout.

So far, every girl "brings out the kid" in Sean. Those are some beautiful pectorals for a kid.

Lindsay has a giant zit on her cheek. It's gigantic. She has the brain of a teenager and the skin problems to match. She might be entertaining in doses, but living with her? That's way too much. She's like Rebel Wilson, hilarious for a scene or two, but you're not asking her to play the lead.

Bit alert! Lindsay pretends to be a drill sergeant and makes Sean do army stuff. It's embarrassing for all involved.

Lindsay looks exactly like her mom. And I have to say, that's not the worst thing in the world because her mom does not look like anyone who has ever played for the Chicago Bears.

Even though Lindsay is 24, her mom thinks she's definitely ready to settle down. Things are different in the middle of the country, guys.

They're really playing up the "Lindsay's Dad is a scary Army General" thing. Taking a step back, it must be really fucking hard to look these father's in the eye and ask their permission to propose, when you know you have no intention of doing so. I mean, yikes.

Her dad gives his blessing, sort of. But remember, this is a guy who gave his blessing for the Iraq war, so it doesn't mean much.

Okay, it's Desiree and her crazy brother time. But for some reason, this backwoods, tent living, country bumpkin is in Los Angeles. Hey, we don't do that Deliverance shit around here, missy. I'm not sure why they're meeting here, but I guess when you're homeless you can say you live anywhere. That is the not often discussed silver lining of homelessness.

Desiree's bangs are operating on a cartoon level right now. I almost feel like it's a direct slap in my face, like she's taunting me with them. No one can seriously think that is a good idea.

They go somewhere that is described as "Desiree's house". It looks like a nice house in LA - I have no idea what's going on. Is she rich? Is this like, low income housing or something?

Sean has said "I feel like we're a couple" on every single date.

Okay, something very strange happens. A guy shows up and he's a really bad actor and pretends like he's Desiree's ex-boyfriend and still loves her, etc. Oh God, it's another bit. I hate it.

She must be getting him back for that prank earlier. This is such bullshit, because they used it in the promos and built it up. Did anyone buy this for a single second? They even go out to commercial on it. This is the worst, everyone knew immediately that it was a bit, right?

And we come back from commercial, and guess what? She goes "this is Nick, he's an actor". Using that term a little loosely there, aren't we? He will never work in show business again.

Finally, the tent people arrive. Desiree's Mom, Dad, and brother Nate. They're immediately confused by the indoor plumbing and frightened by the mirrors. Desiree's parents seriously look like they've lived in a tent for a long ass time. Poor things. I was just about to say that it's kind of cruel to put them on TV, and then I remembered Honey Boo Boo.

Oh boy, Desiree's brother is a tough guy. He's tells Des, "don't fall for nobody". I guess you learn hard lessons in a tent.

The asshole brother gets Sean alone and starts saying stupid things. Probably cause he was raised in the woods and you can't do book learnin' there. You can tell Sean is frightened by this dude. He's like, "I'm crazy about your sister". And dumbass goes, "but you're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" He's all aggressive. This is the kind of guy who gets mad when you use a fancy word, like, "clarity". "Why you talkin' over my head for?!"

Nate (quoted exactly): "I think you just a playboy, you know, you just havin' fun with the circumstances, you know, just, whatever comes along, have fun there, on to the next one, have fun there". Ugh. This is the kind of motherfucker that owns guns. That's why we need to take them away. Because of Nate.

The theory must be thrown out there: Desiree and Nate used to have sex with each other. They were all alone. In a tent. Under the moon light. The song, "Des and Nate, sitting in a tree..." came from somewhere. 

They go back to the dinner table and it's awkward. But they're acting like the brother has had normal moments in the past, which he obviously hasn't. Her parents start talking about the weather, which seems reasonable considering the weather probably really affects their lifestyle.

Sean says that it's coming down to Catherine and Desiree. Coincidentally, those are the two families that fucked the whole thing up. I think he likes Des a lot more than Catherine though, so that's my pick. Let's see...

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Just as Sean is about to give out the first rose, Desiree requests to talk to him alone. They go outside. She wants to clear up the whole "my brother might be the next Adam Lanza" thing. She cries and apologizes a lot, which she should have. She should've done it the night before. Okay, back to the roses...

ASHLEE - She may be crazy, but at least her family isn't

LINDSAY - You can't be a serious person and keep giving Lindsay roses. If she wasn't here right now, she'd be somewhere showing her tits for beads

Sean picks up the last rose, then puts it down and walks out! Oh, the drama. Perhaps he was going to send Des home and then the talk made him rethink it? By the way, doesn't the fact that he's struggling with this decision mean that it's all coming down to AshLee and Lindsay?

CATHERINE - Whoa!! In fairness, we are getting "hot" Catherine tonight. She looks good.

Desiree has to be pissed. How could she have known that introducing Sean to her psycho brother/lover with rage issues would back fire. Then again, maybe Sean just didn't feel like getting murdered.

Des tells him he's making a mistake. She's 26. She feels at least 10 years older than Lindsay. You know what they say, tent years are like dog years.

Tomorrow: Hold the phone! This isn't a real episode. It's a "Sean Tells All" thing, or something. This is what it's come to, ABC? Just show reruns of Suburgatory! Should I write about this tomorrow? I feel like I don't have to. Thoughts?

Next week: Lindsay looks hot in her bikini. AshLee says crazy things. And Catherine isn't seen.

Stay safe out there. Nate is coming for you. For all of us.

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Reader Mail

Here's a recent question from one of my favorite, longtime readers.

Anonymous asks:

Do you ever worry about posts like this one or the one about Lena Dunham hurting you professionally? Maybe I just know a lot of ass kissers, but the comedy writers I know would never trash a showrunner if there was a chance it would get back to them. 

Great question.

The answer is: Yes!!! I worry about it a lot. It keeps me from writing a ton of posts I'd really like to write. But let's take your two examples, and why I felt comfortable writing them.

Regarding Dan Harmon, if I were offered a job where he was the showrunner, I wouldn't take it. This may seem crazy, or bullshit, but it's true. I've heard too many horror stories. Like, a lot of horror stories. And that kind of misery just isn't worth it to me.

I love writing. But I also like being happy. And I've worked in miserable situations, and there is a line where the money isn't worth it. His antics cross that line for me. And I'm sure he wouldn't hire me anyway.

As far as Lena Dunham goes, I didn't think my post about her was "trashing" her at all. This may sound crazy, but I thought I was defending her.

First of all, I think it's pretty clear that she knows that she has a funny body. So me saying so isn't trashing it.

Second of all, I think it's almost a backhanded compliment to hold up what she's doing as this big, important thing simply because she's a young woman. My point was, she's a comedian, a comedy writer. She's doing shit the rest of us our doing. I said how I've used "comedy crutches" in my own work.

No one is calling Daniel Tosh "brave" for getting naked all the time and constantly inferring that he likes fucking dudes (Incidentally, in my opinion Daniel Tosh is a hundred times more brave in his comedy than Lena Dunham, but that's another blog post). Why? Because it's comedy! It's expected! Lena Dunham's doing the same thing, so stop treating her differently. 

But if you're not buying any of this, well then, if I were going up for a Dunham run show, I would probably pull all of these posts down, just to be safe...

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As Long As We Are Reading Things...

Here's something that's actually a great read. It's a profile of Michael Jordan at 50.

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NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Selma Alameri, 29, didn’t win the heart of Sean Lowe on this season of The Bachelor, but she’s not shedding any tears. In Touch has exclusively learned that the San Diego real estate developer has already moved on — with Sean’s fellow Bachelorette contestant, race-car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr., 31.

“They’re officially dating,” an insider tells the new issue of In Touch, on stands now. “She went to Arizona and visited him already.”

But Selma should be wary of Arie’s motives. “He’s hanging onto fame,” adds the source. “Of course, he’s dating someone from the show!”

Selma isn’t the first Bachelor contestant Arie has dated. In Oct. 2012, Arie was photographed kissing former Bachelor winner Courtney Robertson at Quiessence Restaurant in Phoenix, AZ, just shy of her break up with The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik.

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People Are Saying You Should Read This

It is a Grantland article about the creator and former showrunner of "Community", Dan Harmon.

I hate "Community". Just hate it. Completely don't get it. Never have. I've tried. It's not like I haven't tried. But there is nothing good to me about that show. And guess what? America agrees with me. Cause America doesn't watch that show.

And yet, there is this small, annoying, very loud, tiny fan base for this show. They are terrible people. It's not just that they think it's the greatest show ever, it's that they think you must think it's the greatest show ever. They're kind of like Mormons, or Scientologists. They feel the need to convert all of us. But we just want to be left alone.

And they felt some kind of personal slap in the face when their messiah, this Dan Harmon fellow, was fired and replaced.

But I think they would feel very differently if they ever had to work for Dan Harmon. If they ever had to sit in a writer's room 'till 4 in the morning, every morning, waiting for his genius to be done. Moreover, they would feel differently if Dan Harmon was working for them. Wasting their money. Not listening to anyone. Delivering low ratings.

That being said, I'm not disputing the notion that the guy is a genius. He seems to be. He certainly can do things I can't do. But the problem is, in television, the showrunner can't just be a genius. The showrunner also has to be the boss of a company. And this guy should not be the boss of any company. If any other network gives him the keys to another series, it will end in disaster. And I think this article sort of explains why.

I don't think it's that great of an article, personally. But everyone else seems to be linking to it. I guess you have to believe in this guy to enjoy it. But all I can think of is how pissed I would be if I had to hang out with him.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep. 7

Where were we? Oh yeah, last week Sean's true nature came out in the form of The Nub vs. Lindsay. Is he the conservative, religious nice guy, or is he a horny scumbag like the rest of us? He got rid of One Armed Mcgee, so there's our answer. Which is good news for the fantasy suite episodes. This guy clearly wants to bang two armed whores.

Tonight, we begin with yet another prop plane...and a fully clothed Sean. Damn you! Think of all the fun we could've had with Selma on this plane. She'd be all, "I learned how to fly...but I don't know how to land".

There are only 6 women left. Meanwhile, Selma is alone and unloved somewhere in San Diego, dreaming of getting Sean back and using that plane to take out the Freedom Tower.

Okay, let's put Selma aside for a bit...

AshLee gets the first one on one date. Tierra bitchily sings "the cougar's back in town!". Which I don't think is a real song.

Tierra says that AshLee "is 32 years old. When I'm 32, I want to be married with kids and have my family set. Why hasn't she found somebody that she can settle down with?" Ah, youth. And concussions. And women. That's not really how life goes, especially for people who, you know, get jobs and stuff. Can't wait 'till she's 35, single, and her body runs it's natural course of looking like a fire hydrant. 

Oh, it should be noted that right before that last quote she said, and this is verbatim, "I definitely consider myself to be in top priority".

At long last, Sean gets half naked. He and AshLee swim to a boat. AshLee hasn't let her trust issues prevent her from allowing a doctor to insert huge fake cans on her chest. There's no way she didn't used to be a stripper. Sorry, you don't have a body like that just hanging around your psychiatrist's office.

You could fit all of the other girl's boobs (except for Tierra's) into one of AshLee's implants.

Sean asks her about the drama, so AshLee spills the beans on Tierra. Hey, he did ask. And he claims to be "grateful". He shows how grateful he is by rolling around in the ocean making out with her. Nothing shows a woman you love her like wet muddy sand in the vaj.

OH SHIT! Did I just predict the future??? The teaser shows that AshLee needs to tell Sean one more thing about her past. I am very excited. Let's see...

Okay, here we go. Sean says I'm about to meet your family, is there anything we haven't covered? Yes! AshLee tells us it might be a deal breaker. Strip-per! Strip-per! Hey, guess what her stripper name was? Ashlee. Didn't capitalize the L. So sexy.

She does a whole big preamble, and says she wants to get past it...then starts to tear up...then "15 years ago, I was in high school. I was having a hard time with my mom and dad...and I had a boyfriend...and I got married when I was 17".

Aw. Dammit! That's it?! So you got married while you were in high school, who hasn't? I actually went out with a girl who got married when she was 17. She's in jail now. I wish I was kidding.

AshLee very adorably does this thing where she yells stuff to St. Croix. Don't ask. But then she yells, "I LOVE SEAN!!!". Sean seems pleased, even though she was a teenaged bride, most likely a stripper, and also, very, very insane. 

Tierra gets the next one on one, which will be exploring the streets of St. Croix. She explains to the girls that this is unacceptable, because she's really into boating and that's what she wanted for her date. That's what I wanted too, I was hoping she'd go the way of Natalie Wood (references!).

On the date, Tierra says she's "hot and gross". Well, I agree with one of those things (it's the gross one).

Very coincidentally, a parade passes by them. And it's here that we learn that Sean can't dance. I'm not saying it's Elaine from Seinfeld, but it's that minus leg kicks.

Tierra isn't Indian, but she does have some sort of mark on her forehead.

At dinner, Tierra says to Sean: "I had very nice day...I did feel like there was a little distant from you". I'm not making this up, guys. Maybe the reason she doesn't talk to the other girls is because she can't form complete sentences.

Tierra tells Sean that she's falling for him. But it seems forced and weird, they weren't even really having a moment. Oh, then she realizes it's not working, and whispers that she's falling in love with him. But he doesn't hear her because he's too busy wondering what that forehead thing is.

The next morning, Sean "sneaks" into the girls room and surprises them. It's time for the group date with Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay. Sean says he wants to see what they look like without makeup. Darn! We really needed to see Selma without makeup! What a missed opportunity. Remember Saddam in that video when they were hanging him? That's what I was thinking it would resemble.

Lindsay: "I don't take a lot of guys home". She fucks in cars a lot.

The other girls are mad because Desiree is hogging Sean. And by hogging him I mean she's talking to him and being a nice person.

Does Lindsay have a zit on her cheek or did that used to be a piercing?

Catherine gets alone time. She has to be going home, right? Well, she uses her time to talk about her absentee father. He's all depressed and shit. He was abused and lives in China. When she was 14 he tried to commit suicide in front of her. It would be funny if he tried to get a tree to fall on him.

The tree. Never forget. 

Des gets alone time. Sean asks about her family, and of course she cries. Cause she grew up in a freaking tent! I'd cry too if my Dad was the Unabomber. Seriously, how do you not at least have a van?

Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Whoa! That's a bit of a shocker. Sean said he was giving it to "the girl who hasn't wavered since day 1". Um...and that's Lindsay? She wavered, I remember, cause she was shitfaced and stumbling around. There was tons of wavering.

The final one on one is with Lesley. Uh oh, Sean is, well, he's wavering on her. The other girls are making strong cases with all of their personal tragedies and horrible lives.

Lesley is wearing a very padded bra. Does she know that we saw her earlier in that bikini? She makes a big long speech and then avoids telling Sean she loves him. Which, by the way, was smart. Because it seemed weird and cold between them and was completely not the right time. Sean is annoyed by her avoidance of things.

Lesley has dead person's eyes. That's different than dead eyes, I hope you understand and appreciate the distinction.

They very curiously cut the date very short. I wonder what we didn't see. They are either in love or he's not interested at all. He has to get rid of two people tonight. She has to be gone. And Catherine, right?

To "help" with Sean's decision, his sister shows up. I'm sure she'll have good advice since she has met none of the girls.

She basically tells Sean not to end up with Courtney. Who isn't on this season. But I guess he could understand that Tierra is basically Courtney. Except with a dent in her forehead.

They cross cut Sean and his sister with Tierra and AshLee arguing. Tierra randomly throws out "I'm 24, you're 32". Well, yes. That is true. Also, "girls are jealous. Men love me". Prove it.

Man, Tierra really hates 30 somethings. She also says that all of the girls have talked shit about AshLee too. AshLee asks the other girls about this, and then Tierra immediately says that she never said it.

AshLee complains about Tierra's raised eyebrow. Tierra cites the fact that she's never had botox. Cause she's 24, guys. Tierra's parents told her "Tierra you have a sparkle, do not let these girls take your sparkle away". And by sparkle they mean cuntiness.

Tierra: "I can't control my eyebrow!" Okay, she might have MS. That's not a laughing matter. 

Sean's brilliant solution is to get Tierra and have his sister interrogate her. By the way, his sister's name is Sipowicz.

He goes to get Tierra and she's crying. You can tell because she hasn't had botox. And also because she is a mess.

She pins all of her struggles on AshLee. You know, the girl who was raped and is kind to dying kids.

Sean has been completely suckered into this stupid girl drama. He says he's come to a decision and knows what he needs to do. This is what he says to Tierra:

"I know how emotionally taxing this has been on you...I'm crazy about you and I have been from the very first date. And because I care so much about you, I think it might be best if you go home now".

Well, yeah. And also cause you're the worst. He cares so much about her that he never wants to see her again.

He immediately walks her to a van, most likely the same van Desiree's family now calls home, and she gets in and leaves. Really? She didn't need to pack or anything?

Tierra, in the van, cries: "I hope the girls got what they wanted". Yep. They did. We all did. But I have a feeling this won't be the last we see of Tierra.

She reiterates her intention to never let anyone take her sparkle.

Sean talks to the girls about Tierra, "I had a moment of clarity". There's a first.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

DESIREE - not a surprise

CATHERINE - oooh. Not a good sign for Lesley. TIMBER!

ASHLEE - obviously. They tried to make this all dramatic, because of her fight with Tierra. Ridiculous. There was no way she was going home.

So Lesley is gone. At this point, it's not a surprise at all. 3 weeks ago, it would've been, but she really fell off. I even jumped off the bandwagon last week. There's just something soulless about her. And she's clearly not wild enough or dumb enough for him.

For some reason, Catherine loses it! I kind of love her response. She's like, "Lesley has more in common with him than I do!" Ha! Yes, thank you for your objectivity. I love it. She says she has no idea what Sean wants. Well, right now he wants to bang an Asian girl with daddy issues, and I don't blame him. I've been there.

Next week:  Hometown visits. Lindsay's Dad is in the military, so that's why she's a slut. Catherine's sisters don't believe in her anymore than she does. And Desiree's family is from the movie "Deliverance" and wants to fight, then possibly butt fuck, Sean. Awesome!

Goodnight.

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Lena Dunham's Nudity Is a Comedy Crutch

I just read this stupid article, which claims that Lena Dunham's nakedness is about her taking an old feminist tradition and dragging it into the mainstream. It goes on to discuss the history of female nudity and how Lena Dunham is doing this big important thing by doing it on her show.

Shut up.

No, seriously. Shut up. Cause that's not what it is.

Lena Dunham's nudity is a comedy crutch, and nothing more. A comedy crutch is a go to thing that you depend on to get laughs, or in this case, to get a reaction.

Every show I've ever worked on had a comedy crutch. It's only natural. You find something that the audience responds to one week, and then you realize that you have to keep making more shows! It's a horrible feeling. So when you're in deep shit the next week and having nothing great, you go to it again. Why? Because it works!

On "Mind of Mencia" we had a midget. The midget scored with the audience. So when there was no way to end a bit, we'd write the midget in. We didn't necessarily want to do it, and we did our best not to. But desperate times called for desperate measures. The saying in the writer's room was: "The midget ain't in it 'till the last minute".

When I worked on "The Soup" it was Paris Hilton. If you needed to tag something, Paris Hilton was your best bet. After I left, they had clips of Whitney Houston from "Being Bobby Brown". They would run that Whitney shit to death. Every week, if they could throw to Whitney saying "Kiss my ass!", they'd do it. Whitney Houston was their Lena Dunham's body. 

On Tosh, it was gay stuff.

And Lena Dunham's crutch are her titties. They are hilarious. She's not some feminist historian. She's not exploring gender norms or whatever the fuck. She's what every funny person is - desperate for a laugh. But because she's such a "genius" and woman pioneer, high society liberals need there to be a deeper meaning to it.

By the way, what is "an unconventionally beautiful body" (that's how Lena Dunham's body is described in the article)? Oh, I think I know what it is - it's an out of shape, not good looking body.

Look, I don't give a shit. I'm numb to her body at this point and I could honestly care less about it. I'm not calling her fat or gross or whatever. She's probably right in the normal range. But let's not kid ourselves, if you call her body beautiful then basically everyone's body is beautiful.

If that's how you want to be, that's fine with me. But I kind of like a world in which things are considered better than other things. It's not only a great way to understand what you're looking at it, but it's a more honest way to live.

Interesting to note: you never see Allison Williams' naked body on that show. I would assume her body is "conventionally" beautiful. And you know why you don't see it? Because her body wouldn't be funny. It wouldn't be shocking. It would just be pleasant and enjoyable. And that's not what you're going for on an edgy HBO comedy show.

You also don't see it because she's terrible and not a real actress. 

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Irwin's Book Club: "Hitmaker"

I'm reading Tommy Mottola's book. I'm not done with it, but I'm really enjoying it thus far.

At the beginning, he was doing this annoying device where he'd be like. "I'm in Antonio's Pizza in Brooklyn. Come on in, get a slice!" I hate shit like that. Luckily, he seems to have completely abandoned it. Thank God.

I'm always fascinated by guys in big jobs. Deal maker/salesman type dudes. Because that is completely foreign to me and I could never do it. Tommy Mottola is the ultimate one of those guys. And it seems like being born in a big city and hanging out in the streets all day long helps you become like that. Living in an all white and asian suburb as I did, makes you want to write sad blog entries in the privacy of your home.

One of those things makes you become a billionaire, the other does not. 

This is yet another book that would benefit from my genius idea of incorporating youtube into it. There are a million places where you should be able to tap a link while reading it on your kindle and a song starts playing. He's talking about bands I've never heard of, wouldn't it be so great if it was interactive and I could immediately hear that band's work?

How many genius ideas do I have to come up with and not follow through on? Give me a call, Shark Tank. I'm here all day.

Anyway, I recommend the book. 

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I Wrote Another Episode of Suburgatory

It's on tonight if you are interested. There's some nice racial humor. I like to think that experience helped me with my racist Bachelor humor this season.

Thanks.

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Things Fitting Perfectly Into Other Things

God bless the internet.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep. 6

Nope. Didn't elope. Might have to take a dating break. Cause women are the worst. Okay, enough with my personal problems, let's move on to the show, which I am right on time for...

We are in Canada, and Sean has a fricking shirt on. Stupid cold ass Canada. I bet his nipples are hard under that shirt! Dare to dream.

The women walk up to the hotel arm in arm, and you can see Tierra walks behind them, alone. And let's not sugar coat it, she is starting to look rough. Her face might be melting. And I think she's on the Kacie B. diet. That's the diet where you eat everything at the craft services table.

The one on one date goes to...Asian girl (Catherine). Thus making her the first Asian ever to visit Canada. There's an argument to be made that while Tierra is looking worse and worse, Catherine is looking better and better. Kinda hot. Maybe Sean should start worrying about her a little bit.

They go sledding. Sean is complaining that they are getting pelted with "ice flakes and snow flakes". Dude, isn't this your dream date? You're roughing it, after all. And indeed, Sean tells us that he loves that Catherine is still having fun. What if he chooses her and then when they are indoors at room temperature, she's a totally not fun, awful person?

They go to an ice castle that Catherine exclaims "was built for us!". Well, it was built for this date. It really could've been for any of the girls, but whatever. Sean says "it just clicks with you". Incidentally, the north pole is 50 clicks northeast.

Uh oh. Catherine starts to get real. Her voice quivering, she tells the tragic story of when she was 12 years old and a tree fell on her friend. Way to go, Sean, way to take the tree falling girl on an outdoors date. Asshole.

But seriously, the real tragedy is deforestation.

Group date. Shit. More canoeing. What is this, The Bachelor or the Lumberjack Games? Lesley annoys the other girls by jumping in Sean's canoe. Well, it had to be somebody. Selma, as is her nature, is angry. She prays for a shark or an IED to blow up Lesley in the canoe. But alas, Allah gets no praise on this day.

Next, Sean announces another "surprise". He wants them to join the polar bear club by jumping in the ice cold water and totally submerging themselves. Yep, there's no better way to find a wife than making women attempt suicide.

Selma, my girl, says the exact right thing: "I would do anything for a rose, but I won't do this. I just don't feel it's necessary to put my life at risk". Now THAT is a woman! I would give the rose to anyone who didn't do it. That's an independent, awesome person. Do you want a free thinker, or someone who is a sheep? Sean's from the south, so sheep it is!

They show the safety lecture the girls get, obviously covering themselves for the shit that is about to go down.

Selma tells Sean she doesn't want to do it, and he's a total DICK about it. He's like, "no, you should do it. I would encourage you to do it". Shut up! This is what you require of someone in order for you to like them?

Lesley: "I'm gonna get hypothermia for a rose". See? No. That's not cool at all.

AshLee is freaked out and doesn't want to do it. But she's a pussy and bows to the pressure and does it anyway. Selma is the best for taking a stand. Is everyone agreeing with me on this? Okay, good.

Time for a bikini check:

Lindsay and AshLee have amazing bodies. Tierra, well, you know what she's working with. Sarah has one and a half arms. Daniella has a big butt and sloppy boobies. Not good. Lesley is flat chested with an ample bootie.

Did I feel like a pervy asshole when taking that picture? Yes, yes I did. But I sucked it up and did it for you. And look at the positives: you can see Sean's nipples!

Tierra goes into (fake) shock. And for the second time this season, she is getting carried around by medical personnel. She either has hypothermia, or fatassliarmia.

Of course, 2 minutes later she is fine. But that's when the funniest moment of the season happens. She looks up at the camera and whines, "I miss time with him!". Here's what that looked like:

Beautiful.

Desiree says: "Tierra doesn't look so good". Not cause of the cold, because of the mascara. Catherine: "She was disheveled". Ha. Catherine says "it makes me wonder about the other girls". So they immediately cut to the other girls laughing and cheering and having the time of their lives. Nice.

Tierra appears to put her nose/oxygen thing in right when Sean is coming into her room to see her. Not that we needed proof or anything.

I have to say, the bloom is off the Lesley rose for me this episode. I think she's lucky Tierra is there, or else the other girls would be hating on her more. She's very aggressive in getting Sean time, in annoying way.

You know who she reminds me of? Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Remember when he has that great day with Andie McDowell, and then the next day he tries to make it happen in the exact same way and she is turned off by it? Lesley is Bill Murray on that second day.

One Armed Mcgee gets him alone and has a surprise for him. A hook hand? Sadly, no. It's pictures of her family. Ooh! Sean's a lucky guy. Nothing like a photo album to give you a boner.

Kind of a smart move though. She showed him she means business, and isn't faking death and shit.

It doesn't take Captain Obvious to inform you that Tierra is secretly getting ready for the rest of the group date, even though she's supposed to be recovering in her hotel room. The other ladies aren't pleased. Lesley calls her a "Tierrorist". Hey! Don't say the T word in front of Selma, the actual terrorist.

Lindsay gets Sean alone. He says: "we can just spend all our time kissing if you want". Pretty serious about looking for a wife, this guy.

Sean gives the date rose to Lesley. I guess Sean isn't as smart as Andie McDowell.

Uh oh. Sean is feeling conflicted. Sweetie, that's not good for your porcelain skin. He goes to grab One Arm to tell her the bad news. Apparently, he was spooked by those family photos. What the hell do I know? I thought it was a smart move, turns out Sean is looking for a four limbed whore with Munchausen Syndrome.

He tells Sarah. She's hurt. She looks God Damn adorable all of the sudden. He breaks her heart all the while Tierra is dreaming up her next concussion. Maybe Sean isn't the religious goodie goodie he was portrayed to be.

Sarah: "It's always the same, you're an amazing girl. I know how special you are. And I want to connect with you so bad, but I don't". Ouch. I'm in on Sarah. I'll suck the shit out of that nub. Let's go.

Here's the possible sad truth though: she might be a little dumb. You kind of forget that someone with a physical problem might also be dumb, but it does happen. At least that's what I've been told.

The final one on one is with Desiree. And the bangs are back. Big mistake. I'd rather go out with a nub then bangs. Truth.

They rappel down a mountain. Cause this show is a Mountain Dew commercial. They try to make it seem all dangerous and scary, and then they stop midway through and start making out. Danger!

Later, they go to a teepee. Desiree tells Sean about her awful upbringing, apparently she grew up in a tent. That's not a joke. If you're wondering if any of these girls had a good childhood, the answer is, if they did they wouldn't be on The Bachelor.

Let's just be thankful that a tree never fell Desiree's childhood tent.
Sean is loving every word out of Desiree's mouth. She grew up roughing it! She gets the rose.

Somewhere, there's a Sioux family on a shitty reservation wondering what happened to their teepee.

Cocktail party. Selma gets alone time. She's starting to feel the pressure of not having jumped in the icy waters. To make up for it, she goes against Mohammed and kisses him. Remember, cause she's not gonna kiss him on TV? Well, she's over that. It should be noted that someone sent me a youtube video where you can clearly see Selma's tits. Religion is a flexible thing, even to a member of the Taliban.

Lindsay gets him alone and says she's not gonna kiss him this time. And they laugh and laugh, cause it's so ridiculous that the town slut wouldn't kiss someone.

Sean asks her to tell him something about herself. Lindsay's answer: "I sleep naked!" What a fun lady. Sean responds: "I respect that". This is going like most of my dates, only classier.

AshLee gets alone time. She has a present for him. It's a blindfold...or something. It's some weird, dumb thing. I don't know. She doesn't like the unknown and it's really hard for her. Sean plays along, and blindfolds her. Hold on, I think this means that AshLee is a freak in the sheets. She's suddenly a fucking loon! So you know she's good.

Sean carries her with the blindfold on and she's crying. Good Lord. I have to be honest, I'm in love with multiple women on here. These eliminations are going to get brutal. Besides Tierra and Daniella, I want everyone to stay.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

(it's kind funny how obvious it is that Sean had to eliminate the girl with one arm in a special, less assholey way)

LINDSAY - she's gonna give him mono

ASHLEE - crazy town

Oh my God, I'm nervous. Please be Selma, please be Selma. But it's gonna be stupid Tierrra. NO!

TIERRA - DAMMIT

I'm seriously pissed. Do you not see how hot Selma is? Do you not understand how fun my Al Qaida jokes are? This is a nightmare. 

For Tierra? Really?

Meanwhile, she's gonna get stoned to death for kissing you!

Oh, and Daniella's gone too. Blah blah blah, who fucking cares. Let's get back to Selma.

She had the guts not to jump in the water, okay? Do you know how cool and rare that is? Fuck Sean. I hate him now. That's bullshit. The easy thing was to jump in like everyone else and have Sean like you. But she stood up for herself.

Wait. She lives in San Diego. I go down there all the time. I have to make that happen. Does anyone know if they put those terrorist watch lists on the internet? Maybe I can get her address off of that.

Next week: AshLee sabotages Tierra. Tierra is above everyone else and she's also not perfect. Sean is crazy about her. And also, crazy.

Goodnight to you. And Goodnight, Selma. I will find you.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 5

Two nights in a row, ABC? Really? What is the meaning of this? Don't you have anymore "Stuff With Celebrities" shows to air? Or better yet, a rerun of Suburgatory penned by yours truly? Nope? Okay. Well, if we must, we must...

Oh, this is the famed "2 on 1" date episode. It's also time to get out of The Bachelor house permanently. First up, they are headed to Montana. I guess all of the fun locations were booked. 

The first shot of Sean is...in a prop plane. With his shirt on! Hey Bachelor Producers, FUCK YOU! I expect pecs, you jerks. Gloriously bald pecs.

Ugh, what is Daniella still doing here? And she's supposed to be 24? Holy Lord. She's packed 40 years of face into that time.

Lindsay, aka Colin Kaepernick, gets the first one on one date. Bachelor Copter! Sean tells us that Lindsay's first night wedding dress gambit almost got her sent home. He's leaving out the part where she was also completely shnockered and horrible. But yes, the wedding dress was also bad.

Sean and Lindsay tell each other that they feel like they already know each other. Yeah, he knows you're the crazy bitch who wore the wedding dress. And she knows he's the Bachelor. What more is there?

They barely show any of the date. Must've been boring as hell. Lindsay was an "army brat". Scary moment: Lindsay talks about how when she was young the war started and her dad left. The problem? I have no idea what war she is talking about. I just keep hoping she's talking about the Gulf War. Sadly, the real answer is that I'm a God Damn senior citizen.

Is AshLee cross eyed. What is happening? She looks like a member of the Na'vi.

Sean gives Lindsay the rose. This is an all time record for LEAST amount of time shown of a one on one date. Weird. Were they just making out the whole time? Was it too good and they wanted to hide it to keep us guessing? We don't know. But since it was so short we are assured of a shitload of Tierra drama that will go on way too long later. Trust me.

Afterwards, Sean takes Lindsay to a Sarah Darling concert. Who? I don't know. I don't know any of the musicians that come on this show. How is "Nashville" not a bigger hit? Everyone else seems to know these people, yet no one is watching that show. Too busy shooting their guns, I guess. 

Sean and Lindsay stand on a strange podium above the audience and just start making out in front of all of the hicks. Since it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve, they are fine with it.

The Group Date. It's an "outdoorsy" date. Sean once again tells us how he likes a girl who can wear high heels one day, and rough it the next day. Oh shut up with that. I have an idea, how about just let them wear high heels if they want? You know what the phrase "roughing it" means? It means "having a horrible time".

Of course, Selma is on this date. So he's forcing her to rough it yet again, cause as a good Christian, he hates dirty filthy A-rabs.

By the way, Selma looks way too hot and way too good for this. I would give up 72 virgins for one of her sluttiness in the fantasy suite. She does wear a shit ton of makeup though. Hey, it's better than having to wear a burkha. am I right?

The girls are split into teams and will compete against each other in "outdoorsy" events - like canoeing and drinking goat's milk. Losers have to go back to the hotel. Either way, Daniella is still a loser.

They begin with canoeing, and Selma wears a vest. Yes, I know what you're thinking, a lot of her relatives have probably worn "vests" before. That's exactly what you were thinking.

How dumb do you feel milking a goat just to get a chance to spend a few extra minutes with a dude? It goes against everything women believe in. That being said, if I were Sean I'd be paying extra special attention to their milking techniques.

The team of Desiree, Robyn, One Armed Mcgee, and yes, beautiful Selma win! Lesley, Asian chick, Daniella, and AshLee go bye bye. Lesley goes Jim Harbaugh on them and calls her teammates "weak". I love her. And she's right, they lost to a team with a half less limb.

The losers go back to the hotel, and Chris gives them another date card. They're getting a second chance. They freak out. Lesley, at least in my opinion, thinks this isn't the point. They underperformed out there! They don't deserve this.

Meanwhile, the winners are pissed! Robyn's all, what did we get out of winning? Um, pride of performing well? How about that, Robyn? Being the best at something?

Selma is pissed too. She says "when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry". And that's why we racially profile.

While all of this is going on, Tierra is making up some bullshit drama. She writes a letter and feels like she needs to do something. Just stop.

Cut to Sean giving an interview. Tierra is suddenly there, sneaking up behind him. She puts her hands over his eyes, and very creepily says, "Sean!". It's sorta like Mama from the movie "Mama".

She tells him she's disappointed by getting the 2 on 1. "It was a huge slap in the face". I don't think she knows that this is on TV. Or she does, and she's an evil skank. I'm going with door number 2. Also, maybe she needs to experience an actual slap in the face.

Wait. I just realized something: this is gonna get her ass eliminated, thus opening the door for Jackie, who is actually skinny and good looking. Yes!

Back to the group date. Desiree gets alone time and complains about the losing team being there. Cause that's a good idea. AshLee quickly interrupts, and then does the RIGHT THING, and tells him that she's super into him and something special is happening. Leave it to the savvy veteran to play it right. She's like Ed Reed with boobies.

Asian girl gets alone time. And she reaches into her bag of tricks and forces him to walk outside to a weird street. That's her move. Sean tells us he just "wants to snuggle with her". Really? It seems like you just want to constantly not talk to her, cause that's what you usually do.

Sean tells her he "doesn't really have to worry about her". In the real world, saying that to women isn't exactly a good idea.

Daniella sees Asian sitting on Sean's lap. She cries. This is what menopause does to you.

Sean has to calm her down. She looks like his older sister. He's talking a lot of these girls up. I would be laying the groundwork for future dumpage right now. But that's me. I like to foreshadow shit.

Sean gives the rose to Daniella. Hey Asian Girl, how does it feel not being worried about?

This may be a stereotype, but Robyn keeps it real. I guess black people really are the best at doing that.

Finally, the 2 on 1. Time for Tierra to get seriously injured. Oh, but wait, they're saving the only redeemable part of this episode for...tomorrow night. Great. Tierra laughs like a maniac about how Jackie has no idea about her Pearl Harbor job the night before. Um, that didn't help you.

Maybe because I'm a guy and have thoughts and things, but if I were Tierra I'd be a little concerned about the fact that Jackie is hotter than me.

Oh no. Jackie gets alone time and uses it to talk shit about Tierra. Why? Don't these girls learn? She tells Sean that Tierra had the nerve to think a guy at the airport was "cute". How dare she! When you're with someone, everyone else in the world is ugly. Everyone knows that.

Sean gets Tierra alone. Wait a minute. Don't we know that she's gonna stay because she's the one that gets injured later? This sucks.

She tells Sean her sob story about going out with a guy who was in rehab. And then he died. While they were together. Hmmm. This brings up a lot of conspiracy theories. Did he die at the bottom of a staircase? I'm sure whatever hell he has gone to is a lot better than being with Tierra

Is anyone else thinking that this alleged boyfriend's name might've been George Glass or Lennay Kukua?

Sean falls for it and gives her the rose. Poor Jackie. Didn't you hear her, stupid? Tierra thought another guy was cute! Total deal breaker.

Cocktail party. Desiree surmises that Sean gives roses to girls who are "having a hard time". Yep! Exactly. So hurry up and sprain an ankle or get AIDS or something. It should be noted that Desiree has her bangs pulled back, and she looks a hundred times better. Come on, you guys. Admit it!

Desiree hints that Tierra is awful. If I'm the Bachelor, I'd be taking this pretty seriously. Has there ever been a girl that the other girls hated who was actually cool? I mean, besides Courtney.

Oh, now this making more sense. It appears that Jackie was very sweet. All of the girls liked her. So now they're extra pissed at Tierra.

Tierra: "I wish I was a fighter...cause I would beat the shit out of these bitches".

She goes to sit alone by the fireplace. Robyn and Lesley go over and confront her. They feel she's fake for the cameras. Tierra fires back. And she says the word "threatened" in that really annoying way where she enunciates the "ened" part.

She also says something interesting: "If I want to go get engaged, I can go get engaged, there are plenty of guys in the world". That's true. I was handing out diamond rings a year ago like they were candy. Sadly, that is not a joke.

Tierra: "I will bite. I am a Scorpio and I do bite". She knows that she's not physically a scorpio, right?

I'm sorry, but this is bullshit. Sean knows that Tierra is bad. There's no way he doesn't.

Sean gets her alone and asks what is going on. Tierra says that everyone is attacking her. He asks who specifically. And she makes a major mistake by saying "all of them". I mean, if everyone hates you, then it's you. The Bachelor record speaks for itself.

Sean asks Lesley why Tierra is bad, cause he's too blinded by Jesus and pussy to see it. He says everyone is vague about the reasons. Well, what about that cute guy incident? Lesley tells Sean that when Tierra is around the other girls she is cold and not nice. Aw, you poor things.

It seriously felt like this episode should've been over an hour ago. I can't believe there is still 25 minutes left.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

SELMA - little known fact, her uncle planned Lockerbie

ASIAN GIRL - he's not worried about you

LESLEY - marry me

ASHLEE - even though that's all caps, please note the L is even more capitalized

SARAH - haven't seen much of the one armed bandit for awhile.

DESIREE - or Desiree. They've both fallen back

That means Robyn "Do You Want to Taste Chocolate" is gone. But Sean loves black girls! Well, now it's all white and all right. I thought she'd last longer though. Especially with Daniella and Asian girl still there.

On the rest of this season: Tierra gets pneumonia and dies. Even AshLee talks shit. Tierra says "men love me!" Which is awesome. But then it sorta devolves into the Tierra show, which isn't so awesome. At the final proposal, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter. Gee, I wonder who that's from.

Okay, two things before I go...

I think we have the best batch of girls left in the history of the show. Lesley - you know how I feel about her. Selma - despite her predilection for destroying America, I love her. Desiree is a sweet girl, not my type, but perfectly okay. AshLee is hot and nice even though her ovaries are all dried up. Asian Girl isn't offensive at all. And Lindsay gets better every week. Does anyone remember it being better than this??

And finally, tomorrow. We're doing this again. Here's the thing: I have a date. So if you check for the post immediately after the show and it's there, that means the date went terribly awry. If it's not there until Wednesday, I eloped. I see it going one of those two ways and nothing in between.

Goodnight. 

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The Story of This Kid

Let me tell you about one of the great unsung careers in Hollywood history.

An actor who never stops working. With credits as far as the eye can see. Not just any credits, some of the best. He's worked with Spielberg, Todd Phillips, David Fincher, and Sam Raimi, just to name a few. Here's a partial list of things you've seen him in:

Spider-Man
Catch Me If You Can
Old School
NCIS
The OC
Entourage
My Name is Earl
Arrested Development
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Glee
The Social Network
Big Bang Theory
How I Met Your Mother
Parks and Recreation

His name is Jesse Heiman, and he's been working non-stop for the last 10 years.

There's a belief in the world that talent rises to the top. That if you work hard, and you're good at what you do, you will succeed. But in Hollywood, specifically with acting, that is not always the case.

These poor actors, they think if they take classes and hone their craft, there will be a place for them. However, acting is not like other things. Most writers don't write roles for great actors. They write roles for "types".

And so how much acting work you get often comes down to your look. Do you fit a type that's in a lot of things? Cause if you do, no matter how your acting is, you're probably going to find yourself in front of a camera.

Ladies and gentleman, Jesse Heiman is the perfect "type". He's the type that's in a huge percentage of scripts. And for that reason, he has never been at a loss for work.

May I present to you his acting reel: The reason I know who Jesse Heiman even is is because I was one of the first people to cast him. It was on Mind of Mencia. And we needed a nerd. Not just a nerd, a Trekkie. I think you can see that he fits that bill. You see his head shot and you don't need to see any others.

The thing about Mind of Mencia though, is that some of the sketches were performed live, in front of a rowdy, mostly obese audience. It wasn't done in the safety of a soundstage with a camera and some crew.

It was a demanding environment. And let's just say Jesse was not prepared for this. Why? Because he's not an actor, he's a type. He's a face. It's just like if you're a hot girl, and you get the hot girl parts. Ironically, Jesse is the same as a hot girl (which will become funnier in a bit).

Rehearsals went fine. And then the audience came in. And the kid, just, FROZE. I could see him physically shaking. It was hard to watch. But the saving grace was this: his only line was in Klingon.

I honestly thought to myself, boy, this kid is never gonna work again. More importantly, he's never going to WANT to work again. And then, show after show, movie after movie, there he was. Everywhere. Every director/casting person in Hollywood was seeing the same head shot we saw. And he's just too perfect.

Well, the reason I'm bringing up all of this now is because Jesse Heiman is about to have the biggest moment of his career. He will be starring in a commercial during the Super Bowl. And this commercial will be the siren call to every perfect looking dork in the world to come to Hollywood.

Because wow, this is possible:

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