Tyler Perry Presents "Meet the Parents"

Went to see "Pain and Gain" last night, and saw this trailer...

I couldn't believe it. Someone took "Meet the Parents", but just changed the white people to black people. I mean, it's not only a (very) similar premise, these are some of the exact same jokes. Oh sorry, a cat has been changed to a dog, now it's totally original.

And then at the end, it says "Tyler Perry presents". Well, there you go. I wonder which of the characters will end up having AIDS.

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I'm Genuinely Excited For the Summer Movies

The last few summer movie seasons have been disappointing. It was always Spiderman, or a sequel to Spiderman, or the reboot of Spiderman, or the reboot of the sequel of Spiderman. I don't give a shit about Spiderman. Enough already. Maybe if Spidey finds an attractive girl to go out with I'll start to care again.

It's not that I'm opposed to big summer movies. I like them. Last year had The Avengers, but it mostly had things like Battleship and Men in Black 3. I can't even pretend like going to see those might be a fun thing to do. You have to at least give me hope. And Rock of Ages did not give me hope. It gave me Catherine Zeta Jones singing in a church.

But this year, there is some hope. Several movies look promising. I just read this little preview on Grantland about what's coming out and I was surprised by my excitement. Let's look at what we've got:

IRON MAN 3. I liked the first one, the second one sucked. And I thought my days of paying to see Iron Man were over. However, this one is written and directed by Shane Black, which brings me back on board.

Shane Black got famous in the '80's and '90's for selling action screenplays for millions of dollars (back when that was possible), like Lethal Weapon and the very underrated The Last Boy Scout. And then when the spec market disappeared, so did he. I have no idea where he went from like, '96 to 2005. He must've gone to wherever Ax Rose went, and where Keanu Reeves is now.

Then he made a comeback with a small movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which was good, but that was 8 years ago. He's done nothing since. But for whatever reason, the powers that be decided to hand him the keys to the Iron Man franchise. Seems like a weird decision, but I'm not complaining (and I suppose what Joss Whedon did with The Avengers somewhat justifies it).

Of course, if Shane Black isn't enough for you, there's always Gwyneth Paltrow. Who doesn't love Gwyneth? Oh, everyone? Well fuck you, haters. Goop 'till I die!

Next, THE GREAT GATSBY. I'm not a Baz Lurhmann fan. Probably because I'm straight. But I kinda dig this idea. I want to see what the roaring '20's would've been like if Jay Z was rapping over it. So shockingly, I'm in.

The biggest movie of the summer might be STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS. Not interested. Next...

THE BLING RING. Didn't know much about this movie, then I watched the trailer:



Couldn't enjoy that more. Only downside: Sophia Coppola is involved. Shit. She has a habit of making good things terrible (see: The Godfather 3. Yes, I'm still blaming her for that. I rewatch that movie every 10 years hoping it's suddenly good. Nope, still awful). But also, Somewhere should've been rad. Instead, it was 2 hours of Stephen Dorf driving around in a circle. Seriously, that was the movie!

My other concern: it could be this year's Savages. That movie had a great trailer and was really bad. I mean, seriously bad. Did anyone see that? We should probably discuss the ending of that movie at some point. But anyway...

FAST & FURIOUS 6. If I was still engaged, I'd have to see this in the theater. Luckily, I'm not! So I'll see you on TNT, Fast & Furious 6. (on a side note, I'm fascinated by successful movie franchises that star actors that can't get any other work. Paul Walker? Vin Diesel? Jordan Brewster? Their only appealing to the public if they are in these movies. They must HATE cars at this point).

MAN OF STEEL. Here's another one featuring a director with a knack for screwing the pooch. But I love Superman. Growing up, I was known as the kid with the cape. So of course I'm seeing it.

Here's my worry (other than Zack Snyder): are there only 2 Superman stories to tell? Superman Returns was just a rehash of the very first Superman with Christopher Reeve. The bad guy in this one is General Zod. I'm gonna be pissed if it's just another remake. Is there nothing else in the Superman world? No new ideas? Okay, guess I'll just have to enjoy Michael Shannon's ginormous head.

WORLD WAR Z. I might be the most excited for this movie. But it seems like no one is that into it. Specifically, people who have read the book. They say it's "totally different" and violates the spirit and blah blah blah. Well, check out the trailer...



Super fast zombies forming human ladders to kill everyone? Sorry, purists, but I'll take it.

WHITE HOUSE DOWN. Whoops, there must be some mistake, this movie already came out. Like 20 times.

Speaking of movies we've already seen...THE HANGOVER III. 

THIS IS THE END. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if I will see it or not, I don't know if I will love it or hate it, I just don't know. This is the movie with everyone who has ever been in a Judd Apatow movie, playing themselves, as the world ends.

So Danny McBride is in it as Danny McBride. And Jonah Hill as Jonah Hill. And so on. Since I'm in comedy, I feel like I have to see it, at the very least to mock it.

BEFORE MIDNIGHT. You want to talk big summer trilogies? Iron Man ain't got shit on Ethan Hawke and Julie motherfucking Delpy. Love these movies (maybe I'm not straight).

And finally...

AFTER EARTH. I just don't think Jaden Smith is believable as Will Smith's son.

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This Seems Estrange

I've been trying to come up with new ideas of late. I need to think of a 1 hour show. My process is I ride my bike to the strand, then I walk down close to the ocean, and then...magic happens. Actually, usually just shows about surfing and lifeguards happen. Pretty sure the creators of Baywatch had this same process.

And I'm sunburn. 

Anyway, I am trying to be very aware of any and all 1 hour shows that are on or are being developed or merely talked about. So today while perusing the internet I discovered that ABC Family has a new drama coming out called "Chasing Life". It was adapted from a Mexican TV show, because of course it was (IP!).

I checked the premise, and here's what it said: 

Chasing Life follows twenty-something April (Italia Ricci), a smart and quick witted aspiring journalist, who is trying to work her way up the ladder at a Boston newspaper by trying to impress her hard-nosed editor. When not pursuing the latest scoop, April tries to balance her ambitious career with her family – her widowed mom Sara, rebellious little sister Brenna and her grandmother. Just as things start to look up at work, home and on the romance front with co-worker Dominic, April gets the devastating news from an estranged uncle that she has cancer. 

I'm so confused by this. How does her estranged Uncle know she has cancer? Is he a doctor? Did he even examine her?!

Is it any of the cancers of the vagina? Because if she found out her gynecologist was also her estranged Uncle, that's a show I'd like to see. "You have ovarian cancer, and also, your dad is my bro". 

I'd like to add that we need a moratorium on all cancer inspired entertainment. I didn't watch 50/50. I didn't watch The Big C. The only thing I'm okay with is Breaking Bad, and that's only because the cancer made him do awesome things. If cancer's only gonna make you the next Woodward and/or Bernstein, that's not good enough. 

 Let's just hope the people who write these premise things aren't the same people who write the show.

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Late Night Reading

Here is a pretty great article (including rarely seen video clips) about the infamous debacle that was The Chevy Chase Show.

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Why Aren't the Networks Betting on Multi-Cam?

The other night, The Big Bang Theory on CBS beat out American Idol in the ratings. Not a big deal, you say? Well, the episode of The Big Bang Theory was a RERUN.

That brand new episode of American Idol will probably only air once in it's life, and it got beat by a rerun of a sitcom that will surely be rerun a thousand more times. I'd like to think my hatred of AI from 5 years ago played a part in this, but a really it's a testament to the power of the Big Bang Theory and CBS.

Check out the ratings (taken from 2 months ago when nothing was in reruns) and pay attention to the sitcoms:

1	Big Bang Theory, THE-02/14		CBS	5.5	6995
2	American Idol-WEDNESDAY-02/13		FOX	4.3	5458
3	Modern Family-02/13		ABC	3.8	4787
4	Two and a Half Men-02/14		CBS	3.8	4780
5	American Idol-THURSDAY-02/14		FOX	3.7	4717
6	2 Broke Girls-02/11		CBS	3.6	4526
7	How I Met Your Mother-02/11		CBS	3.2	4099
8	MIKE & Molly-02/11		CBS	3.0	3763
9	Person Of Interest-02/14		CBS	3.0	3759
10	Rules of Engagement-02/11		CBS	2.8	3517
11	Grey'S ANATOMY-02/14		ABC	2.8	3491
12	BACHELOR, THE-02/11		ABC	2.7	3479
13	Scandal-02/14		ABC	2.7	3467
14	Amazing Race 22-02/17	P	CBS	2.5	3162
15	FOLLOWING, THE-02/11		FOX	2.4	3093
16	Family Guy-02/17		FOX	2.4	3043
17	SURVIVOR: CARAMOAN-02/13	P	CBS	2.4	3034
18	Once Upon A Time-02/17		ABC	2.4	2987
19	ELEMENTARY-02/14		CBS	2.3	2884
20	BONES-02/11		FOX	2.2	2834

Big Bang, Modern Family, 2 and a Half Men, 2 Broke Girls, How I Met Your Mother, Mike & freaking Molly, and Rules of God Damn Engagement! So basically the sitcoms that are dominating are Modern Family and everything on CBS. And all of those CBS shows are multi-cam.

That's 6 multi-cam shows in the top 20. So why isn't everyone jumping on the multi-cam bandwagon?

The networks keep sinking money into the likes of 30 Rock and The New Normal and Don't Trust the B and The Mindy Project. All seem promising. All have "cult" followings. None have big, broad audiences.

I think part of the problem with single-cam is reality shows - Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo, The Kardashians Fuck Black Guys. These aren't really reality shows, they are actually single camera comedies too.  They are just as structured, just as scripted, just as jokey, but they do it with real people. And it's extremely difficult to compete against reality.

Honey Boo Boo is more amusing than any character on Happy Endings for a very good reason - Honey Boo Boo and her mom are real, if disgusting, people. How do you top that? You can't. It's way more fun to watch a real character than the one Elisha Cuthbert is trying her darndest to play.

Meanwhile, multi-cams are like a different species. There's a watchablity and a re-watchabality that single-cams don't have. I would cite the thousands of times I've watched each episode of Friends and Seinfeld as examples. Maybe there's an authenticity there. It's more like a play. It's a performance, but a less manipulated one.

I would compare it to Saturday Night Live vs. In Living Color. In Living Color had it's moments, but I always liked SNL more. There was something about the editing and the canned laughter that was off putting with In Living Color. SNL felt less artificial.

But Modern Family, you reply. Well, I would argue that Modern Family successfully replicates those reality shows with that faux documentary bullshit. As did The Office before it. They LOOK like those reality shows stylistically.  They're cheating with those interview things, and it sorta works. But how many single cams can successfully use that lame device? Two, apparently.

Who knows if my theory is right, but as with most of my theories, it doesn't matter. Because the evidence is clear: multi-cam is kicking single-cams ass, in first run and in syndication. And it's not close. Yet, here are the stats for this development season:

Multi-cams ordered to pilot: 13.

Single-cams ordered to pilot: 36

Strange.

Let me be clear, I don't approve of all of this. I prefer single-cam. I WORK in single-cam. I'm just saying, isn't it weird that NBC, ABC, and FOX have all abandoned this thing that clearly works on another network, and has worked throughout TV history?

Single-cam can work. I love the show I work on (and loved it before I worked on it) and a few others, and they do solid ratings. But with that top 20 that I posted, 36 to 13 seems bizarre. Why isn't it the other way around?

I guess it's the perception that multi-cams are old fashioned, and tired, and stale, and not hip. But with cable chipping away at their audience, they need big tent shows. And multi-cam is big tent. "Not Hip" is kinda the business they're in.

Big Bang Theory makes BILLIONS of dollars. 2 and Half Men too. Friends is still running. So is Seinfeld. George Lopez keeps getting shows because his dumbass sitcom kills it in syndication. What more evidence do you need than George Lopez being successful. You know it's not him, it's the power of multi-cam.

Hopefully, for my jobs sake, there's room for both.

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Speculation Is Underrated

As I wrote earlier, I've been sucked into the awful marathon shit all week. And as I'm sitting here, things just got even crazier. A shootout with grenades in Boston. Insanity. 

While this is going on, the twitterverse (do people still say 'twitterverse'? yeah, gay people) is having a field day mocking CNN and the other news organizations over their handling of the story.

True, the coverage has been bad. CNN obviously dropped the ball completely the other day and deserves all of the scorn Jon Stewart's writing staff can dream up. And the New York Post, man, I don't even understand how what they are doing is in any way legal. Plus, I'm mad that the falsely accused 17 year old's parents aren't going crazy about it. Seriously, where are they?!

But anyway, I feel like there is some over reach here in the criticism. And it's especially evident as this new horribleness is going on.

Basically, the big complaint seems to be that news anchors should not get involved in any speculation. For example, as this story is breaking tonight, the anchors are saying very clearly that it isn't known if the marathon bombing and this are connected, but that "many are questioning if they might be related".

For some reason, this is bad. But I disagree!

If you don't say that, you sound like you have your head up your ass. Of course we're suspicious! I'm suspicious! True, there are no facts to back this up, but you have to at least wonder. That's why they're even covering the story! That's why all of the networks are going live at 1am for a random shooting!

I understand that there needs to be journalistic integrity and you have to make sure all of the facts are in before you report things (ie, if the suspects have in fact been arrested). But if you don't say what we are all thinking, even though it's (gasp!) speculation, then you look like a fucking moron.

I don't want to watch the guy or girl who doesn't raise these questions. It would frustrate me. I want the TV person to raise the questions I'm thinking in my head, even if no one has the answer yet. 

So ease off on the anti-speculation rant, twitterverse. As long as they're not reporting it as fact, it's kind of a good thing. Let's not do the rigid, naive version of things.

On another note, holy shit has the internet been way better than TV on this story.

I'm on twitter right now while watching MSNBC and CNN, and twitter is way, way more informative and on top of it. People are retweeting witnesses, pictures, video, and stuff from the police scanner.

TV feels like an hour ago, twitter feels like as it's happening. The world is changing. And as it's changing, Anderson Cooper, Chris Matthews, John King, Megyn Kelly, and all the rest, are quite literally, asleep.

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Hurricane Nia

Sorry, I got sucked down the Boston Marathon internet rabbit hole this week and couldn't think about anything else.

But this is just a reminder to start watching The Real World immediately. A boring ass roommate left the show, so they got a new one. And her name is Nia. She is a tall, black girl, and she is clinically insane. How do I know this? Because she calls herself Hurricane Nia, says her two favorite things to eat are "cock and food", and, did you just see the last thing I wrote?

The Real World has flirted with this strategy before - of 7 strangers, picked to live in a house, and then adding an 8th stranger, who is legitimately mentally deranged.

They did it in the Real World: Las Vegas II with this guy named Adam. The problem was he was so crazy that he lasted about 3 episodes before he had to be forcibly removed from the house. He was literally committing criminal acts and the women in the house felt "threatened".

So they went away from it for awhile, but now have gone back to it here with a twist. A lady. I guess thinking maybe a woman can last longer, because other women are less inclined to say they feel threatened by a fellow vagina. That's the theory, anyway.

Hurricane Nia has arrived. Dicks will be sucked (her words, not mine). Punches will fly. Should be good.

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Kobe Bryant, Greatest Rehabber Alive

2 sports posts in a row? Yep!

I was at the Laker game on Friday night, and watched as Kobe shredded his achilles. It was depressing. In fact, as I moped off to my car, I almost got run over by Ice Cube. Seriously, he was driving a white Bentley with his family and almost got me. I could've been a millionaire! That woulda been a good day.

Anyway, back to Kobe. They are saying 6 to 9 months. But he's 34. He's been in the NBA since he was 18. He's logged crazy minutes, scored a million points, played extra games for the playoffs and Olympics, raped a chick...that's a lot of wear and tear.

Can he do it? Probably. He's Kobe. He's got a lot of motivation - matching Jordan's 6 titles, becoming the all time scoring leader, and most importantly, getting out of that house and away from that annoying ass wife of his.

But here's my question: why is it wrong for Kobe to take HGH and steroids during his rehab?

He is due to make $30 million dollars next year. He has a very small, and rapidly closing window of playing years left. When that window ends, the thing that he is greatest at, is over. For good. So who would blame him for doing whatever he could to get back as fast as possible? Moreover, isn't it the right thing to do?

Who is against this? These drugs WORK. Isn't that what drugs are for? To, you know, help people. Would you tell Magic not to take his AIDS drugs? Hey, Kobe tore his achilles, Magic has AIDS, taking drugs gives them an unfair advantage over people who didn't do that stuff. It makes no sense.

For those saying "but the side effects!" Do you know what the side effects are for playing in the NFL? Or boxing? Or UFC? Hell, I watched a story on Inside Sports the other night about guys who compete in the X Games jumping snowmobiles. One guy died, another is paralyzed, a third literally broke his face.

There are side effects to doing everything! Steroids are a million times more safe than doing flips on snowmobiles. You have to ask if it's worth the price. And I think $30 million dollars and the last years of playing at the highest level of sports is more than worth it.

So I hope he uses everything at his disposable. If he doesn't, then he just doesn't want it bad enough.

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A Great Moment in Live Sports Producing

I was watching a boxing match on HBO tonight. It was a very boring fight. One guy was running the whole time, the other guy was chasing him and not throwing any punches. Honestly, they both deserved to not win.

Anyway, the HBO announcers, who I normally like, kept going on and on about how the guy who was running was "easily" winning the fight. They were saying it wasn't even close, and that it was a shutout.

This was driving me insane because I saw it differently. I thought it was about even. It was very frustrating. Not only that, I felt like they were setting up the audience for "outrage" when the judges announced their scores. It felt like a setup, and that it was misleading.

Meanwhile on twitter, the boxing writers for ESPN and Sports Illustrated were posting their scores after every round. And they both had it close.

At one point I said, "I wish someone would tell these announcers that other boxing experts at this fight are disagreeing with them right now, and maybe they are talking themselves into something that isn't happening".

Well, in round 11, Jim Lampley says: "The producers in the truck are telling me that several boxing writers on twitter are disagreeing with us about the scoring in this fight, and believe this is close".

Awesome. 

That's all I wanted to hear. It made me so happy. That is great producing. And it changed the way they called the fight. They didn't change their mind, but they at least acknowledged it might be going differently.

HBO gave every round but one to the guy who ran, and their scorecard had it 118-109.

The 3 judges had it 114-113, 115-112, and 116-111.

There are so many times where I yell at the TV for something to happen, and it never does. And this time, it did. So props to the boys in the truck.

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Kobe Bryant, Greatest Rapper Alive

This is a fantastic story.

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My Screenplay Update

You may remember the movie I was writing. And writing. And writing. Well, I finally finished, and Team Handleman began sending it around town.

When I came to Los Angeles, I heard stories of napkins with doodles on them being sold for a million bucks. But times have changed, my friends. Pretty much at the exact moment I stepped foot here, the money dried up. It was the equivalent of going to Germany in 1945 to get in the Nazi business. The enthusiasm had died down a bit.

So even though I didn't just scribble on a cocktail napkin, and actually used a newfangled computer and printed out neatly typed pages, my script didn't immediately make it rain. But it did get me a million...meetings. So that's what I've been doing the last couple weeks.

It's been pretty great. It took me 2 fricking years to write this thing, so it's nice to sit down with people who say they enjoyed reading it. It almost makes it all worthwhile. Almost. Well, not really.

But the people I've been meeting with have been awesome and they are smart and know their shit, and it's nice to hear some positive feedback. They all ask good, tough questions, and we talk about the script and the characters and the story like it's an actual thing. It can almost make you feel silly if you stop and think about it - some dude (or dudette) in a real office is asking me about some made up bullshit I wrote down while sitting around in my underwear eating triscuits. Nothing makes sense!

I've spent the last many years in TV, so I'm pretty new to the feature business. And in going to these meetings, I've learned a very important lesson that I didn't expect, and that I thought I'd share with you. It's the most important thing in the feature business right now and seemingly the only thing that matters. It's only two letters long, it's...

IP

Those are the magical letters that I keep hearing over and over again. In the end, my script doesn't mean much, but IP means everything. So what the hell is IP?

IP is intellectual property.

People like my script, or at least they say they do. But they can't sell it. And they can't sell it for one reason: it wasn't a book first. A book is IP. An article in Wired magazine is IP. A comic strip is IP.

Apparently, IP makes studios feel protected. "See?! Some other asshole liked it enough to bound it into a book, it must be safe to invest in!" "Look! They put a cover on it and sold it at Barnes and Noble, that means smarter people than us trust it!" "Wired magazine wouldn't go to the trouble of writing 500 words about it if it wouldn't make a billion dollar franchise!"

Spec screenplays are an unknown, risky gambit. But a movie project based on preexisting material makes everyone feel all warm and toasty inside. Ya figure if it's an adaptation the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter. But how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer, er, a shitty story that won't make a good movie. The next thing you know there's money missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.

Sorry, lapsed into Tommy Boy for a sec.

Anyway, these folks that I'm meeting with want me, or them, to find a book or an article or a something that already exists, and adapt it. Then they want us to go into a studio and sell it. And in that meeting we can go, "Hey, we're not just some idiots making stuff up, you know, like wacky, glue sniffing writers, this thing's a book! It's proven!". Even though it's not and no one reads anything or cares.

It's strange. It's almost like after Harry Potter and Twilight everyone got confused and thought that book = box office gold. But there are like 4 famous books, and then everything else. But I guess it's easier to point to something that already exists than do the hard work of reading a 100 page screenplay that no one else has seen before, and believing in it.

But the script I wrote isn't completely worthless. Not at all. It got me in the door. Now they think I can write something. If some "IP" comes around, they might give me a shot. So there's that.

I just wish I would've known this ahead of time. I could've gotten a gig writing shit for Wired Magazine and cut out the middle man.

More updates as they happen...

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This Made Too Much Sense Not to Happen

Brad (or is it Chad?) and AshLee. Yes.

Who says you can't find love on The Bachelor? Two of the hit ABC show's former contestants -- AshLee Frazier, fresh off the most recent season of The Bachelor, and Brad Womack, who dumped fiancee Emily Maynard weeks after proposing back in March 2011 -- are now dating, Us Weekly confirms.

The pair first met at an event in Texas, and have been happily hanging out ever since, according to an insider. Frazier, 32, even posted a photo of the pair hugging on her Instagram earlier this week.

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Have You Seen My Childhood?

I went through a very dark period when I was a teenager. I call it my black years. That's because I was really into black people. Who was on my wall? Tony Gwynn, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan. In the VCR? Eddie Murphy's "Raw". In my CD player? NWA, R. Kelly, and Tony, Toni, Tone.

I recently found a music video that I've come to realize represents all of my young hopes and dreams. A video that marked a moment in time where I believed anything was possible, that good things can happen. And the fallout from that video dashed my childhood idealism. Crushed my belief system. And turned me into the cynical, bitter human being who now blogs on a 3 to 4 times a week basis.

Before we get to the video, let me set the scene for you. The year was 1990. I was a freshman in high school. There were 3 new kids in school, and I thought they were the coolest dudes around. Their names: Bell, Biv, and Devoe. 

Sure, they're used as a punchline now, but that first album was no joke. "Poison", "Do Me", "Dope", "Thought It Was Me", those are all hits, my friend. It is undeniable.

But the group, specifically Biv, was not content to rest on their laurels. He had bigger aspirations. First, he discovered Boyz II Men. Then, he found Another Bad Creation. And that was just the tip of the iceberg!

Because Biv had designs on becoming the next Berry Gordy, and put together a huge roster of other amazing artists. To showcase all of this talent, he produced a song and a video featuring all of them. He called them The East Coast Family. And a 15 year old Irwin Handleman thought he was witnessing the next Motown.

Here is that video:



How can I put how fantastic this is into terms you can understand? Okay, let's say you love, I don't know, what do white people like? Mumford and Sons.

You love Mumford and Sons and can't wait for another album. But before another album comes out, they make a video where, in the span of 4 minutes, you are introduced to 20 other groups that are very similar to Mumford and Sons singing an awesome song. You would shit your pants. The thing you love just got multiplied by 20. Who are these other people who are so similar to the thing you love? Where did they come from? When will their album be out? Oh, the possibilities!

I literally thought that everyone in this video was going to be a Bell Biv Devoe level group. If I was told that any of them had an album at Tower Records, I would've immediately cut school and driven down there and bought it. Well, I wouldn't have cut school. I was a good boy. But right after last period I totally would've gone down there. Cause I believed things could be good!

I mean, Fruit Punch...

Why doesn't he get out much? Is he a singer or a rapper? I wanted to know!

But come on, Fruit Punch doesn't even come close to the most interesting person in this video. You might have your favorites, but mine has to be motherfucking HAYDEN!

Are you kidding me? A chubby white guy with pipes?! Yes, please! How the hell was there never a Hayden album?!! It's a crime. A crime! You couldn't have convinced a young Handleman that Hayden wasn't going straight to the top. Hayden!

Oh, but there's more. Hayden isn't the only white dude in The East Coast Family, cause there's also the Whytgize. Yes, The Whytgize...

Biv cut through all the bullshit and named them the Whytgize. He must have watched the Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC make billions a few years later and wanted to kill himself.

Yo, what about my boy Big Ant...

Hey, they couldn't all be winners.

Alas, it was not to be. Not a single person in this video (besides the ones that were already established) amounted to jack squat. There were no albums. No East Coast Family tours. They vanished.

The dream died. Along with my positive outlook on the world.

Wait. There is actually a future "star" in that video.

That's the black chick from "Community". She beat the odds. She made it! Seriously though, how did Yvette make it and Hayden is selling insurance somewhere?!

Life isn't fair. And that's the lesson that All For One, One For All taught me. Things aren't always good. Just because you have all the talent in the world, like Hayden, doesn't mean you are going to make it. And also, the entertainment business is a fickle beast.

So other than Yvette, they are all gone. Where did they go? I want to see this as a reality show. I wanna know where they are now, what went wrong, what they do for a living. I'll never stop thinking about this. Every time I see an over weight white guy on the street, I'll wonder. Is that Hayden? Or 5 whyt gize singing acapella next to a burning trash can, is that the Whytgize?

You might think I'm joking, but I am really not. If anyone has information about these people, send it my way. This has to be a show on VH1. Or at the very least, VH1 Soul.

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Necessity is the Mother of Invention

Let me describe something that happened to me today that seemingly happens on most days.

I'm at home. Enjoying an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 on Soap Net. In this particular instance, the episode features the dramatic moment when Dylan and Kelly inform Brenda that they are going out, and even worse, they were fooling around during the summer while Brenda was in Paris.

There is no reason that they needed to tell Brenda about the summer thing. None! And yet Kelly insisted on it. Further backing my theory that the more you watch 90210, the more you realize that Kelly, not Valerie, is the true villain of the show.

But I digress. I'm not here to debate Kelly Taylor's inherent evilness. That's a blog for another day.

This is about something else. About halfway through the show, I had to go. I had a meeting (which I will post about soon). So just as Kelly is about to twist the knife into Brenda's back and front, I had to turn the TV off and get in my car.

As I push the button to start the car, the radio turns on. And I listen to...whatever is on the radio. Here's what I don't listen to: the ending to that 90210!

And the question is, why the hell not?

My TV should also be on my radio.

Now, here's what you dummies in the audience are thinking right now: "because you won't be able to see it".

Are you made up people really that stupid? Do you know how many times I've seen that episode of 90210? I don't have to see it. I just want to listen to it. Hell, between my laptop, Ipad, Iphone, Kindle Fire, that's all I was doing at home on my couch anyway.

And the same goes for Friends, Who's the Boss?, Seinfeld, and all of the other crap I "watch" on a daily basis. You're telling me you wouldn't enjoy listening to the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld in your car? Of course you would.

Your TV should also be your radio. There should be no difference. No one is looking at the TV anymore. It's simple, and it's obvious, and it must be done.

And yet...my buddy Jamathew claims that he was talking to a bigwig who actually might have the power to do something like this, and the guy said it was a stupid idea. What?! He's stupid! Or else he hates money. Cause this is a million dollar idea.

Can any of you out there give me one good reason why this isn't a thing? And if not, do you have the number for the Shark Tank?

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Leafy Greens Responds!!!

Well, my first ever Yelp review has been immediately met with a response with the owner of Leafy Greens.

When I got the email notifying me that my review had been replied to, I was kinda freaked out. Even though my criticism was totally on point, I felt bad. I was mad at myself for not putting a ton of effort into my review. If I had known this dude was actually going to read it, I would've given it the care and detail I put into my blog post.

Anyway, I was so upset about this, that I didn't read his response all day. But tonight, I finally checked out what "Rich W.", owner of Leafy Greens, had to say for himself. And to my great surprise, he wholeheartedly agreed with everything I said!

Here's what Rich wrote:

Thank you for stopping in to Leafy Greens and thank you for your candid feedback. Your take away is quite accurate, that is exactly the feel we are aiming for.  The intention with bringing the "your local salad bar" concept to the downtown MB area was not to create yet another high end, gourmet or expensive dining option for patrons but rather a casual quick, healthy and affordable choice of eatery where they can dine downtown more often.  The feedback we have received from the many satisfied customers who have frequented Leafy Greens is that they are so pleased they now have somewhere quick, healthy and affordable they can enjoy daily with a similar feel to the local bakery, coffee shop, deli, etc. all found within a grocery store :)

In my Yelp review, I advised the owners to take a field trip to Greenleaf to see what's possible in the salad industry. And for the record, my salad at Leafy Greens cost exactly the same as my salad at Greenleaf. So whatever to that "high end/expensive dining option" shit.

Why you would put a salad place in the middle of a "high end" neighborhood and shoot for grocery store level quality is beyond me. Why have a great salad place when we can have an average one! Shoot for the stars there, Rich.

Sadly, my treks to Beverly Hills will have to continue for the foreseeable future...

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From Greenleaf to Leafy Greens: Musings on Salads

I was forced to write my first Yelp review today. I didn't want to do it. I don't like to participate, but it had to be done. Why? Because salads were involved.

Let's back up for a second.

I wouldn't describe myself as a salad lover as much as I am a salad buff, or a salad philosopher. I have a lot of theories on salads, and all of them are correct. I know this because I have given salads a ton of thought. Or at least more thought than you have.

I didn't have a perfect attendance in high school, but I did have a perfect record of having a salad for lunch every day. A record that extends to my professional career, where some have even taken to calling me "Steak Salad" Handleman.

Listen, I can list my salad credits and accomplishments all day, but that's a waste of time. Either you're on board or not. So let's go.

The best 'salads only' restaurant in the world is GreenLeaf in Beverly Hills. They now have a couple more locations, but I'll never forget my first trip to Greenleaf when it first opened. I had so many hopes and dreams tied up in that place, and it did not disappoint me.

The owners of Greenleaf know their salads. More importantly, they know FREEDOM. Because when it comes to salads, I am pro-choice. Guess what? Not everyone wants cheese in their salad. And yet others insist on it! We must have the right to make decisions regarding our own salads.

Hence, we need to build our own salads.

But really, freedom in salad is nothing when not combined with one other thing. And that other thing is the number 1 most important rule of salad. Without it, a good portion of deliciousness is lost. It's this:

A salad is a thousand times more enjoyable if SOMEONE ELSE MAKES IT.

It doesn't take a Top Chef to understand and utilize the freedom component. But 99% of the time they have no grasp of the someone else making it thing.

It's simple. And it is true. There is something about making a salad yourself that kinda ruins it.  You know the parts too well. But when it appears before you, freshly tossed by someone else, it is a perfect, synchronous whole.

This is the genius of Greenleaf. They let you build your salad, and then they make it.

Of course, others do that. But Greenleaf is better at it. And their shit is fresh. These salad bars feel like they've been sitting out there for days. Not Greenleaf. I mean, check out this corn!

I would fucking sleep in that pan if it was socially acceptable and wouldn't ruin Greenleaf's perfect "A" rating.

Greenleaf also understands the importance of bowls. Yes, bowls. Bowls can make or break a salad. How the fuck is Souplantation gonna hand me a plate?! A plate! It's a salad. It needs a bowl. The words "salad" and "bowl" are connected for a reason. Behold, the Greenleaf bowl:

Isn't that glorious? Tossed by loving, Mexican hands, in a comfortable, well-sized bowl.

What was the point all of this? I forget. Oh yeah! That Yelp review. No, it wasn't for Greenleaf, it was for a different place.

Because I don't live in Beverly Hills. I live too far to go there every day as I would prefer. I live in a place with no Greenleaf. Even worse, I live in a place with zero salad centric restaurants.  Until now.

A new salad place just opened in Manhattan Beach called...Leafy Greens. Jesus Christ, if you flip flop those words, you practically get Greenleaf!

Needless to say, I was excited. I like green. I like leafy. What could go wrong? I hopped on my bike and rode my romaine loving ass down there today to check it out.

I walked in and found an assortment of salad toppings to choose from. And zero people working there.

Just so you know, there is an ARMY OF PEOPLE working at Greenleaf. Mixing, tossing, cutting corn, it's a flurry of activity and freshness. So the fact that no one was in his place was a very bad sign.

And sure enough, Leafy Greens turned out to be just a regular old stupid salad bar that you can find at any commissary anywhere in the world. Heck, there's a better salad bar at every Ralph's Supermarket I've ever been to.

Defeated, I built a salad. I wasn't gonna waste my bike ride. Oh, the indignity of building it myself. I got done and some teenage girl comes out and weighs it and charges me 12 bucks. I came home. Disgusted.

And I wrote my first Yelp, telling the owners, if they were reading, to go on a field trip. To Greenleaf. To study the art of salad. Until then, I am screwed. But with any luck, they'll read the review, and take the advice of ol' Steak Salad Handleman.

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