"The Staircase" UPDATE

Did any of you take my advice and start watching "The Staircase"?

Well, through my vast Hollywood connections I have watched all 8 installments, AND the 2 additional hours with updates on what has happened since. I reiterate my advice to watch it, cause it's great.

But the craziest thing is, the BIGGEST twist in the story has come after the 10 installments. That's right, there's yet another unreal development, and it isn't in the 10 documentary hours.

I wish all of you knew what the hell I was talking about it so I can write a proper post about it. But I'll wait. So get on it.

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"The Americans" UPDATE

Watched it. Loved it.

I never found Keri Russell sexy. On this show, she is. Maybe if she had been this sexy when she was 18, she wouldn't have had to follow Ben to UNY.

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Watch "The Americans" Tonight on FX

I've tried to stay away from hearing about this show because I don't want to be influenced. The premise - Russian spies living under cover in America during the 1980's - and the fact that Felicity is in it, was all I needed to know.

It finally premieres tonight. And though I've tried my best to ignore everything, I have heard rumblings that it's great.

It's sort of the new "Homeland", only with less lip quivering and even better, no David Freaking Estes. I'm excited.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 4

I'm fired up tonight. As you know, I'm single Handleman now. That means that I've been on the dating scene. And I've been having to restrain myself from numerous "women are the worst" posts. So this is my forum to let it all out. Let's begin!

We start things off, not with Sean's naked breasts, but with the 13 remaining ladies and Chris Harrison. Hold up! After a quick announcement by Chris, we cut to Sean's exposed bosom as he gets out of bed - black skivvies and nothing else. Thanks for not letting me down, that's easily a week's worth of masturbation material.

The winner of tonight's first one on one date is richly deserved - it's Selma. Finally! She's the hottest girl in the house. Well, the hottest girl in the house who has all 4 limbs.

The ugly black girl is crying about this for some reason. She says "I just really want a date". Well, then maybe you should chase after dudes who are more on your level. Your level = not cute.

It should be noted that Selma is one of the only girls left with bigger tits than Sean.

Selma gets in her workout clothes and they drive to a private plane. Selma: "is every date gonna be like this?" No, Selma, I'm pretty sure every date isn't going to be like this. In some, you will be flown by helicopter. And when the cameras are gone, they'll be in a pickup truck as you are driven to a mega church.

In the plane, Selma awkwardly leans over onto Sean. Some of you probably hate her for it, I love her. Sean keeps warning us that this date "isn't glamorous". We are supposed to be shocked by how not awesome this date is going to be...

Cut to: The desert. And that one whistle sound effect thing that's used every time a desert is shown on TV. Oh! Selma mentions that she's an Iraqi! I told you. She's in the Taliban. You guys never listen. She's a Sunni of a bitch. Despite her heritage, she hates the desert and doesn't do well in the heat. She says she feels "puffy". Going to the desert is actually how Sean Combs was nicknamed.

It's kind of annoying how much joy Sean is getting out of Selma being miserable. What's the point exactly? Seems like a lot of these dates are just bad episodes of Punk'd. As opposed to the good episodes of Punk'd, which have yet to be produced.

Selma uses Sean's assholeness, and probably the spirit of Allah, to climb. She's pretty good. In your face, Ashton. Also, lots of cleavage shots. "The most tit-centric Bachelor season ever!"

This girl is 29 and lives in San Diego. I will join the mujahideen for her. I will pretend not to love Rambo 3. Hell, I'll root for Sgt. Brodie, if that's what it takes!

Ugh. I'm so sick of Sean saying "we're going somewhere a lot less glamorous". He's so giddy that they're not going anywhere nice and how Selma's gonna be pissed. Shut the hell up. In the real world, you might have to treat women well, stop abusing your power.

Uh oh. Selma: "There's a lot you don't know about my family". She says "We're arabic". Is that what you call that? I thought it was just a language. Then she interviews to us that she was born in Baghdad and raised Muslim. That means she can't kiss him.

It also means she's glad the towers are gone.

Sort of weird. It's almost too perfect. The hottest girl in the house isn't going to kiss him? It would make sense if she was unattractive. Like, that's the hook that got her on TV. But no, she's also hot. We can only hope she's like those conservative Christians who say they're virgins but really just do anal all the time.

Sean is frustrated. Move along then, buddy. Get rid of her and let the rest of us take a shot with Blue Balls Mcghee.

Group date. And from the commercials we know it's roller derby time. I can't believe it's taken The Bachelor this long to do this. Maybe they finally rented the 2009 Drew Barrymore film, "Whip It". Wait. Can Tierra play? Did she pass her concussion test? Somebody call Roger Goodell.

Hey, remember those little kids who were on the verge of death last week? Well, now the show is featuring a one armed girl on roller skates. Fucking evil. There's a montage of her falling. Seriously, do they hate us? Cause I want to cry. Where's Selma? I need to get my boner back.

AshLee, who was once molested, gives Sarah a pep talk. So does Sean. And now she's back on her skates and making us feel uncomfortable again.

Everyone hates Amanda, and she wipes out and busts up her chin and jaw. That's not gonna help her already troubled face. They pretend like she might have a fractured jaw, but that's only on the Tierra scale of injuries. In real medical parlance, she has a boo boo.

But now we all must hate Amanda, because they've called off the derby! Damn. That would've been so good and life threatening. Instead, they just have a skating party. Cause that's good TV.

Later, they go to the Roosevelt Hotel for drinks. And, huge surprise, Amanda shows up and she's perfectly fine. She tells us that she is fine but she's going to milk it. The only chance you have is if you milk his wiener. Even I'm sick of myself after that joke.

Tierra is mad because Robyn is acting like she's not there. Tierra says it's very "fustrating". I repeat, "fustrating".

Then she decides she doesn't want to be on the show anymore. She says "I deserve so much more than this. Sean's a great guy but why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy". I repeat, "live life uneasy".

It's funny because while she's melting down, they keep cutting back to Sean making out with the wedding dress girl, Lindsay.

Tierra starts crying like a maniac and tells us that she's breaking down inside. At that moment, Sean walks out with the wedding dress girl in her bikini. It's kind of awesome. Cause wedding dress girl, when not wearing a wedding dress, is hot.

Sean tries to console Tierra but you can tell he's dying to be in that hot tub. He basically encourages Tierra to get lost. He's like, if you leave, "I'll be sad, but...". Let me finish that sentence for you, "but I'll also be super happy cause I'll be banging that crazy bitch in a tub of hot water".

Unfortunately, Tierra doesn't let him off the hook. She forces him to turn on the charm, and then, in the dumbest move in the world, he gives her the rose. Jesus. No, I mean, Jesus, why hath you done this?

Tierra is so evil that she makes AshLee, who was once molested, talk mad shit about her.

The final one on one date is with the ugly black girl (for the record, her name is Leslie). Her date card had diamond ear rings in it. And she says "I've never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend, ever". First of all, Sean isn't your boyfriend. Second of all, he did not give you jewelry. And third of all, you've never had a boyfriend.

Sean says "Leslie deserves to be treated like a princess". So I guess that means Selma deserved to be treated like a fanatical, IED making, Al Jazeera watching terrorist? Because her date totally wasn't glamorous.

Why would a good and loving God give Sarah so few arm and Leslie so much mouth?

Sean takes her to Beverly Hills and they go shopping. They get a dress and a necklace, and gross face Neil Lane hangs out. Can Leslie not see that they're setting her up to go home tonight? Cause I mean, obviously. Your amazing date is your parting gift, now get the fuck off the show. I've seen this too many times.

Leslie gets her pick of anything she wants, so of course her outfit and accessories are awful.

They chat at dinner and everything is going great...until Sean realizes they don't have a connection. Oh, you just realized that? Cause I was saying it on night 1.

Holy crap! They just cut back to the house, and Selma ain't wearing makeup. I'm gonna act like I didn't just see that. She looks like that one picture they always show of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

Sean, in a dick move, holds up a rose, and dumps Leslie's ass. He tells her it's because she said she "only wants to be married once". And it's also because of that dress she picked.

Leslie: "You really didn't see any romance at all?" Um, nope.

They were supposed to see Ben Taylor sing. But for some reason, he dumped her before that, so instead the dude sings over Sean alone and Leslie in the limo.

Cocktail party. Sean tells AshLee that he's been thinking about her. And honestly, she would be a slam dunk if she wasn't middle aged.

Robyn gets him alone. "Do you like the taste of chocolate?" Then she just kisses him, and claims "he kissed me!" Um, not really. You kind of raped his lips. Not the same.

All the girls hate on Tierra. She gets Sean alone and tells him "girls have trouble accepting me for who I am". And who you are is a bitch, so they are accepting that.

The Asian Girl gets Sean alone and gives him a piece of paper with her lipstick on them. He awkwardly holds it, not sure how long it has to be before he throws it away. There's a funny cut away showing 5 of the girls sitting in stony silence, watching them talk.

She takes him out to the driveway and they make out. Dammit! My house only has a carport. That's my problem, girls don't wanna make out in a carport.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

CATHERINE - the driveway make out sesh did the trick

DESIREE - has been invisible for 2 episodes in a row, needs a big week next week

LINDSAY - she's the Colin Kaepernick of the show. From bench player to the Super Bowl

LESLEY - still the favorite. Too much makeup right now though.

ROBYN - you cannot eliminate two black girls on one episode. It's just not done. Thanks a lot, Obama.

ASHLEE - of course

SARAH - you also cannot eliminate a black girl and a girl with one and half arms

JACKIE - too pretty to go home at this point

DANIELLA - wow. I thought she was gone for sure. I'm not a fan at all.

And you know that means? Ol' play dirty/dirty face is history. What a shocking end to a devious tenure. I guess the boo boo strategy didn't work after all. Now she has to go back to Orange County and her lucrative career of not being a real model.

Next week: Chris says "a two day Bachelor event". What?! They're showing 2 episodes on back to back days. No! Do they not know the toll this takes on me? Ugh.

Oh God, Tierra goes to the hospital again.

How great would it be if she just died? Okay, it wouldn't be great...but it kinda would be.

Goodnight.

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HA HA HA HA

This is my new exhibit A. Holy fuck.

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Went on a Grouper

I went on a Grouper tonight.

Oh, you don't know what a grouper is? You must be living in the aughts, old timers. A Grouper is where you sign up to this website, and then some fancy algorithms look at your facebook page, and then match you up with a girl's facebook page for a blind date.

Ah, but that's not what a Grouper is. There's more. Then, you invite two of your friends, and the girl invites two of her friends, and the SIX of you go out - to a bar chosen by Grouper - for an awkward drink.

I was not the main guy in this equation. No algorithms were done on my facebook page. I was one of the "friends". Still, I was in it along with everyone else.

On the surface, this seemed like a horrible idea. I mean, I like to be attracted to people. Call me crazy, but there aren't any algorithms that know what gives me an erection. This was completely blind. So I had my doubts, because I like to see what I'm getting in to.

Also, can you really tell a lot from someone's facebook page? Maybe. But I think the only thing you can tell from my facebook page is that I don't go on it. And that I like Sporcle and R. Kelly, not necessarily in that order.

Anyway, what I was picturing for this grouper was me showing up, and immediately knowing that none of the three girls were for me. Then an hour of forced, polite conversation before a delicate call for the check.

And that's exactly what happened.

Well, not exactly. Cause it actually last 3 hours. That delicate call for the check was a little too delicate, and these ladies kept ordering more drinks.

Even more awkward, about 30 minutes into it ANOTHER Grouper group showed up...and there's had better looking women. But apparently, there's no swapping on Grouper. You kinda think there would be. It's that name, Grouper. Makes me think of orgies for some reason. Alas, no dice.

And this is my life now.

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 3

Bacheor Producers: "Hmmm, how should we start this episode off? With Sean shirtless again? YEP". And so here are, gazing lustily at Sean as he goes through his workout routine. However, they neglect the part of the routine where he shaves off all of his body hair and thanks Jesus.

The first one on one date is with the Washington DC girl, Lesley. You may remember that last week she was revealed to have a nice stomach. She is cute. But is she flashy enough to win this thing? Off stomach alone, I'd say yes. Is Sean smart enough for her? Who cares! Have you seen his perfectly bald body?

They go to the Guinness World of Records in Hollywood, and both seem miserable to be there. Lesley can barely pretend that this is a "fun date". Something you guys need to know is that Sean's Dad likes to "do stuff outside of the norm". Apparently, his Dad has the world record for driving through the 48 states in the shortest amount of time. That is outside the norm. The norm would've been doing fun things with his life.

Sean thought it would be fun for them to break a record of their own. They're really using his bio here. Maybe that's not the best idea. The record they will break: longest on screen kiss.

Lesley calls the idea "the coolest thing I can imagine". Look out Guillermo Del Toro, someone might have your imagination beat.

The record is 3 minutes and 16 seconds. So basically this is just a way to kill time on a show that's 2 hours and should really be 1. We literally just watch them kiss for 3 minutes. It's as boring as all of Sean's kisses, only multiplied by 3 minutes.

Some girls on the street tell Chris Harrison that it's "a little awkward watching someone makeout". First of all, this is not making out. Second of all, sounds like you've never been on spring break.

Sean: "Lesley is a great kisser". They are seriously barely touching lips and laughing the whole time. Does no one know how to do sex stuff on this show?

You know who I hate the most? The guy with the clipboard and the stopwatch acting all official. Fuck off.

I might be falling for Lesley. She's too good for him! Am I crazy? Or is she a million times better than Desiree, who seemed to jump into the lead last week?

We've got our first tongue! Sean finally unleashed it. Sometimes when you ask what Jesus would do, the answer comes back tongue. Hallelujah. Mary may have been a virgin, but her mouth wasn't. Hey oh! Cause it was filled. With tongue...shut up.

Lesley says "the evening has been magical. In a very good way". As opposed to the bad, black magic Voldemort way.

Group date. Beach volleyball! You know what that means: bathing suits and a lack of coordination. The girls demand that Sean take off his shirt, and then there's this really embarrassing pan up as Sean takes it off very slowly. Then the black girl starts massaging his pristine pecs. Is anyone else hard right now?

Then someone else sits on him while he does pushups. I think they're just recreating the Rocky 3 montage.

Many of these women are flat chested. That could be good for their volleball skills. Seriously though, no one has boobs! Desiree = nothing. Jackie, zip. Kacie B. has an inverted chest. You'd think getting fake boobs would come before going on a reality show. What has happened to the priorities in this country?

The Tierra girl is chunky. The Asian is the only one who has improved her hotness by being in a bikini. That's a sad statement of affairs.

"This volleyball game is the most important game of my life". 

Let's just say the US Olympic volleyball team won't be looking to pick up any prospects from this game.

The team with Kacie B. and Desiree wins. Chunky, Kristy, the Asian and some others lose. That means they have to go home. The black Leslie is crying. Sweetie, the less he sees you, the better.

Lindsay, drunk wedding dress girl, was on the winning team. She gets some alone time. She says to Sean "Oh my gosh, I am just so amazed by you. You are everything I'm looking for. You're handsome, on paper, and I feel chemistry". So he's only handsome on paper? I'm gonna give her a pass, that might've been a bad edit.

Sean likes her. You know who Lindsay is exactly like? George W. Bush. She set the bar incredibly low for herself at the beginning, and now everything she does seems semi-impressive because you assumed she was retarded.

They makeout and once again Sean goes hardcore tongue. What has gotten into this guy? I mean, besides the spirit of the Lord.

Tierra has a God Damn spare tire around her belly. Jeez. She's this season's Kacie B., even though we already have the actual Kacie B. 

Amanda gets alone time, and Desiree hates on her some more. She calls her a groupie. And she's "kinda dark". And she doesn't mean in the African American way. Oh fuck, Kacie B. is taking it on herself to bring up this Amanda thing. Wasn't she the one pissing Ben off by talking shit about that other girl? Chill out, Kacie, B. Do you, girl.

She gets Sean alone and says Desiree and Amanda are fighting. Dude, he doesn't want to hear about your girl problems. Nobody does. That goes for women in general, no one wants to hear it! Sean asks the appropriate question "Why are you saying something to me?" and "Why are you involving yourself?" Exactly!

Kacie says she's stuck in the middle so "I have to tell you what's going on". What does that even mean? Oh Kacie, you are turning awful. I'm so glad I'm with Lesley now.

Ha! Sean says "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing now". Sean is suddenly very appealing. Between tongue and keeping it real, I want him to give me a rose.

Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Comeback player of the year.

The last one on one date is with AshLee. She's hot, but she's 32, so she's got one foot in the grave.

She's got two big advantages over the rest of the house - left booby and right booby.

As she's waiting for Sean to arrive, Tierra takes a spill on the stairs. Oh my God! This is just like the documentary I told you about, "The Staircase"! Maybe Michael Peterson did it. Or...maybe he was just nearby and it was a coincidence.

Hey, at least she had a lot of padding for the fall.

Sean explains that he's had "several concussions". Shocker.

The ambulance comes, but only because they wanted something to put in the commercials a thousand times. They give her one of those funny neck braces. Those neck braces are always funny.

The whole time, Tierra is saying "I don't want to do this". It feels like she's not hurt at all and they're forcing her to go to the hospital for the drama. Finally, they let her get up and she's fine. The other girls basically say that she probably has Munchausen Syndrome.

Raise your hand if you only know about Munchausen Syndrome from that one Eminem song.

Sean and AshLee go on a date to an amusement park. Because Sean is super into charity, they have to also hang out with some sick kids. Romantic! Nothing makes the panties wet like young death.

The little girl has a thing in her neck and it's really sad. Not good for the jokes, people. I don't know how the date is going, but I know that we are all going to die.

AshLee: "This is the perfect date for Sean to take me on". Women are liars.

After going on rides, they listen to Sean's favorite band, The Eli Young band. Who? I don't know. This is what the hillbillies like, I guess. Everyone awkwardly dances. Did I mention that life is pointless and miserable? Cause this date keeps reminding me.

Ashlee is so cute you almost forget that she's old as dirt. She's appealing to Sean's religious side. Smart. She was adopted when she was six, and when she was in a foster home, she was abused. Yikes. What the hell are they trying to do to me with this date? Please, tell us more about the time you were given away and then taken advantage of, it's making me want to marry you. 

It seems like this particular date was coordinated for this girl. She's one of those people who have all this terrible stuff happen to her and then tells you how lucky she is. Well, if it doesn't work out with Sean, there's always Tebow.

Uh oh, she says she's "falling in love". And that it feels so good to tell him everything. Maybe it's just me, but I wait for the 2nd date before I tell people about my childhood being ruined.

She is way too invested right now. Life altering trauma part 2 is coming soon to a rose ceremony near you.

Cocktail party. Hey, those sick kids were great and all, but how about they cheer us up by showing us that chick with one and a half arms. There she is! She didn't go out on any dates. Sean decides to cheer her up by bringing her dog to the house. And by "Sean decides" I mean "The producers decided".

Sean talks with Tierra, and she's gained 10 more pounds since her head injury. The only way to tell if she's really hurt is if she suddenly turned into a nice person.

Desiree "steals" Sean away from Tierra. Then, Tierra steals him back! The double steal! Maybe because of her concussion she doesn't remember talking to him the first time.

Kacie gets her chance to apologize for her misstep on the date. Kacie informs him that it's a "two way street". She knows that she's not the one giving out roses, right?

Kacie's conversation gets interrupted by two other women, one of them being that hot Osama Bin Laden lover, Selma. Nose job and Muslim Brotherhood be damned, I like her!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Sean is about to announce the first name, and then pauses and asks to talk to Kacie alone. Uh oh. The women note that he brought a rose with him while going to talk to her. These girls become very intelligent when it comes to other bitches getting some.

But they're wrong. Sean doesn't want to humiliate Kacie at the rose ceremony, so instead he humiliates her on the front steps. Very kind. He sends her packing, supposedly because he couldn't move her out of the friend zone. Or maybe it was because of that time that she turned into a gossipy, flat chested, hater.

TIERRA - bummer for the guys who work in catering, start cooking!

BLACK LESLIE - how?! Why?!

CATHERINE - the Asian. She is getting better looking every week.

DANIELLA - she is what those in the gay world call, a hot mess

ROBIN - the other black girl. She didn't speak the whole episode. Good strategy.

SELMA - Allah Akbar.

SARAH - the one armed bandit

JACKIE - great face, bad boobs

AMANDA - gross!!!

DESIREE - duh

Were they really trying to pretend that the last rose was dramatic? Desiree was a lock.  But that means that Kristy is gone. I'm not all about looks (yes, I am), but she's about a thousand times better looking than Black Leslie, Amanda, and Daniella. I don't understand religious people. Too charitable and not superficial enough for my tastes.

Taryn is also gone. I don't know who she is either.

Next week: Finally, some time for Selma! Someone alert Al Jazeera. And the black girl does a double entendre with chocolate. Someone else gets injured. And Tierra loses it (not weight, just her mind).

Goodnight.

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Joy and Pain

That's Colin Kaepernick on the left (joy), and Alex Smith (pain) on the right.


Dear Jim Harbaugh, thanks for ending the pain, and bringing the joy.

Go Niners.

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Et Tu, FLOTUS?

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Steroids For All

So let me get this straight:

Lance Armstrong, Pre-Steroids: 0 Tour De Frances, Nut Cancer, Zero Dollars, Never Fucked Sheryl Crow

Lance Armstrong, With Steroids: 7 Tour De Frances, Cancer Free, $100 Million Dollars, Fucked Sheryl Crow

Yeah, I can't believe he cheated either.

Why are steroids bad again? You know that term, "miracle drug"? Wasn't that supposed to be like, a positive thing? Cause this shit appears to be a miracle drug, and it's doing miracle-ey things...depending on how you feel about a hundred million dollars and Shery Crow's vagina.

Yes, I know, if you abuse steroids, you put your health at risk. I can say the same thing about McDonalds, alcohol, cigarettes, living in Detroit, watching Alex Smith play quarterback...

But none of those things turn you into fucking Superman. So maybe a few side effects aren't the worst thing in the world. At the very least, perhaps we should put a few scientists on this thing and see if there might be some good here.


Also, read this story.

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Recommendation: "The Staircase"

Hello. The Sundance channel is showing the 8 part documentary "The Staircase" every Monday night. They've shown 2 so far, but you can get caught up via the internet if you'd like to join in.

It's about a woman in North Carolina who was found dead at the bottom of the staircase at her home in 2002, and her husband who is charged for her murder. The filmmakers were given all kinds of access throughout the case and it's filled with unreal twists and turns.

It was released a few years ago. However, The Sundance Channel is showing it now because there are 2 more new hours to be revealed with an update on what has happened. I highly recommend it.

The great thing about this movie is that with each hour, new and crazy shit is introduced that makes you rethink things. I have no idea what happens or what the outcome is (SO DON'T TELL ME!!!), so I'm just learning as the documentary goes. Thanks to Netflix, I've watched through part 4.

The revelations each hour are awesome, but even better are the "characters" that keep popping up. Seriously, it's one of those things that you just can't make up. If you saw these people in a fictional narrative, you would've believe it.

You need to watch this for these people! In episode 2, there's a witness coach/expert who is unintentionally hilarious. In episode 3, the defendant's ex-wife is quite possibly the weirdest person I've ever seen in my life. And in episode 4, there's a guy who is part of the defense team who is assigned to operate the video screen during the trial. He's supposed to bring the photos up as the main lawyer is saying things, and he keeps missing his cues.

It reminded me of the rehearsals at Tosh. Their working on the presentation and he keeps fucking it up, and the lawyer is just yelling at him for being an idiot. Cause he is one.

Anyway, this probably sounds not all that great from my description, but trust me, it's fascinating. If any of you get on board and don't jump ahead, I'd love to discuss...

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 2

I was saying to someone the other day that episode 2 of The Bachelor might be my favorite episode each season. Because in the first, we only see the ladies in those awful cocktail dresses, all made up. But in episode 2, we see them in casual clothes, with less makeup, and if the producers are doing their jobs, in bathing suits. This, as they say, is when the women get separated from the uglies.

How do you think the show begins? If you answered "with Sean, sweaty and shirtless", you'd be correct! Huge surprise there.

Is Chris Harrison getting younger? He looks great. I guess divorcing the old bag and banging ex Bachelor contestants will do that for you.

Okay, another shocker: who do you think gets the first one on on date? That's right, One Armed Mcgee! Can't they at least pretend the deck isn't stacked for her? This is like giving people in wheel chairs great parking spaces.

Sorry, one more: can you guess how she gets picked up? You've done it again, it's The Bachelor Copter! And we have to go through the tired motions of all of the women being impressed by it.

She says: "this is probably the biggest dream come true of my life so far". If I had one arm, flying in a helicopter would not be in the top ten of dreams I'd want to come true. All 10 would be to have two arms. 

Also, "my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have". Technically, this isn't true - if you've ever gotten a decent hand job you know what I'm talking about.

By the way, she's one of the prettiest girls here, that's not hurting matters.

On their date, they are going to "free fall" 300 feet off of a building. Seems like a good plan. But what if her healthy arm gets stuck in a rock and she can't get it out for 127 hours? What then, Sean? What then?!!!

Somehow, the definition of "free fall" is to be completely strapped into a bunch of stuff, and then, in a controlled fall, go down 35 stories. I mean, it still was scary. I wouldn't do it. But there was nothing free about that fall.

Oh shit. She's got a story for Sean. The sad piano plays. She says she was once told that she wasn't allowed to go zip lining because she has a disability. Her dad was there, and told her "this is why you need a man". Um, Dad, I got news for you, you're a man! How about standing up for your one armed daughter there? Let's remember that story when hometown visits happen.

Back at the house, the fire marshall shows up. He says there's a code violation - there's never been this many black women in the house. 

87% of Sean and Sarah's conversation on their date is arm-related.

They make out, and Sean does not take Ari's kissing advice. This isn't even a make out. This looks like a couple of 10 year olds doing what they think kissing should be.

Group date. They go to a large house. They're doing a modeling shoot. Uh oh, the girls who are models will have an unfair advantage! Except for they're not good looking.

As expected, Kristy, the "model", is super excited.

I have to say, the girls are holding up well in their casual clothes. This group might be better looking than previous thought.

Tierra, the evil bitch, has fantastic breasts. Of course she does. You don't have to be nice with those tits. Be as mean as you want, it's all good.

She is hot, but she claims to be 24 and she's already looking a little rough. She might be 35. If let loose, those boobs might be knee bangers.

Lesley, my Washington DC dark horse, shows "a little bit of a sexy side'. Well, she has a nice belly, at least. The camera man tells her and Sean to kiss, and they barely touch lips, so all of the other women get angry. They liked her a lot better when they thought she was ugly with a shitty stomach.

Kristy wins the modeling competition. I'll give it to Kristy, she looks kinda good. But she can also look harsh. Very harsh. Don't believe me?

Sean and Lesley get some alone time, and go to the one spot where there is no lighting. This is strange, they are sitting in the dark. It's like a Halloween episode. Also, Sean can't kiss. This is getting sad. He's the total package! Except he can't talk or kiss or keep his shirt on or hold down a job or cheat on Jesus...

Kacie B. finally gets some air time. She gets Sean alone, with lighting. They talk about their past history which we didn't get to see. Sean talks of having to shift Kacie out of the friend zone. Yikes. Whoa! Kacie just said "friend zone" after I typed it! We might be soul mates. And don't forget we're both part black too.

Uh oh, my love for Kacie is being torn apart by Selma. She's a doll. She might not be the sharpest tool in the shed though. But who cares? Tierra's sharp, and she's a psychopath. I'll take the hot dull blade anytime.

Sean is smitten with Tierra. He is dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Amy Irving hates playing the game, and all the girls. This isn't going to end well for her. Also not ending well, her hair. It's not split ending well.

 "Hi, I'm going on national TV, can you make me look like shit, please?"

She tells Sean that she wants to go home. Wow. I respect that. Luckily, more birds in Charlotte will have a place to call home now.

Sean gives the date rose to Kacie B. Oh Selma, that just means more time for us.

It's time for another one on one date, and evidently, an episode of "Punk'd". The date is with Desiree, and they're going to do a hidden camera prank on her. An expensive piece of art is going to fall and they're going to make her think it's her fault. Romance sure has changed, hasn't it?

Sean starts to feel bad because Desiree is so sweet. No one would feel bad if this was Tierra. She's left alone, and the art thing falls. I'm very uncomfortable with pranks. I don't like this. She doesn't give that much of a reaction. It's lame.

I'll point this out because it needs to be pointed out: she has bangs. So fuck her, she deserves to get pranked. She's pranking the world with that hair style.  

Desiree says the saddest thing: "I was a good sport so I hope he sees that in me". Sweetie, you should be pissed! You do realize you have the option not to like him, right?

Bathing suit alert. They seem to be getting along well. I didn't see this coming at all. Suddenly, Desiree has jumped into the lead! She's like Colin Freaking Kaepernick right now, running towards the end zone. Impressive.

He offers her the rose and she plays cool for a minute. She says, I don't know, that was a mean prank. Holy crap, who is this girl? She's screwing up my assigned role for her!

Cocktail party. Lindsay is here. She's the wedding dress girl, and she wasn't on any of the dates. I think she's still drunk from a week ago. Sean says to her, "I'm all about family". And she goes, "YOU ARE?!!!"

Oh, how the bar is lowered on this show. If I mentioned that I was all about family to a girl on the street I'd probably get slapped in the face.

Sean only has to send home 2 girls and he's pretending like he doesn't know who it is going to be, when we all know it's going to be the black ones.

There's some girl named Amanda who we've never seen before acting like a crazy person. She's sitting on the couch with her arms crossed looking ugly and refusing to talk to people. Oh! I just looked at last week's recap and found out that Amanda is the "fit" model. Not fit? Her face.

FYI: Selma looks a thousand times hotter when she's not dressed up with tons of makeup. Hey gay guys, stop messing up women.

Robyn (a black girl), with the quote of the night. She says: "I have noticed that the show is becoming more culturally diverse. I'm actually interested in getting to know what he's looking for and how race plays into it...I'm not completely and totally sure Sean is attracted to black females". Sing it, sister!

Then she gets Sean alone, and asks him: "the show has gotten more diverse, what are you attracted to?" Sean is cool with it, like he knew it was coming. He says people assume he only likes blonde hair and blue eyes, but he doesn't have a type. He's dated "everybody". And this bombshell:

His last girlfriend was black!

Wow. There's just one problem: there aren't any hot black girls in this house. So they're going home anyway. He's not gonna play the race card, he's gonna play the hot card.

Uh oh, Selma starts speaking Muslim...or something. She might be Persian, which can only mean one thing, nose job. 

Sean gets Amanda alone, and she's suddenly all smiles. She is not cute at all, by the way. She looks like Jessica Hecht, the actress who played Carol's wife on "Friends". Yuck.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

ASHLEE - didn't see much of her this week, but she's probably top 5 in hotness

LINDSAY - huge comeback week for her! A tale of two cocktail parties

ROBYN - she Johnny Cochraned him

JACKIE - didn't see much of her either, also in that elite top 5

LESLEY - the dark horse rides again!

SELMA - Abu Nasir is gonna be pissed

CATHERINE - token asian

KRISTY - she's a model, guys. Never forget that

LESLIE H. - the very strange looking black woman

TIERRA - the Dark Lord Lucifer

TARYN - we didn't see her all show, but she is a rough looking blonde

 DANIELLA - I'm really not a fan of this chick

AMANDA - yikes. She is seriously awful

I'm not even sure who is going home. I think the cutest of the black girls is. And a white girl I've never seen before in my life.

Oh, the black girl is named Brooke. She should've brought up the black thing like Robyn did. The white girl is named Diana. She's the single mom! That's right, she looks way different tonight, and not in a good way. See ya.

Next week: More "free" falling! More bad lighting! Lindsay stays on the comeback trail. And Kristy dies.

Goodnight!

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Leonardo DiCaprio and the 20/40 Actor Theory

I saw Django. That is one long ass movie. I heard Quentin Tarantino's regular editor died before he started making it, so I guess he decided to just not edit it at all. Brilliant!

There's actually a part in the movie where the characters say, "hey, I know where the big bad guy is, but before we get to that, let's wander around for act 2".  That is what we call "on the nose" dialogue. 

But one thing I loved about the movie was Leonardo DiCaprio's performance. He was great. And this was surprising to me because I haven't liked anything he's done since he was Luke on "Growing Pains".

Not a fan. But in Django, he nailed it. And that's when it hit me, it's because of my 20/40 Actor Theory!!!

Leo has always been the exception to that theory, but now he's officially become the exception that proves the rule. Just to recap, the theory states "good looking actors can't work after the age of 20 and before the age of 40, but are wildly successive in the period before and after." 

As we know, Leo broke out in his early '20's and became a superstar with "Titanic". He was so huge that he has worked as a movie star ever since, even though that has been a really bad idea. He's in that 20-40 limbo where he's not believable as a man or a boy. And yet, his fame was so great that he simply had to star in movies.

He's never believable to me. Until now! Because? He's damn near 40. Leo has finally hit movie puberty, he has become a man. Django was his Bar Mitzvah.


So I say, mazel tov. Now that's he all grown up, maybe now he can finally go out with some good looking women.

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Making a Movie With Lindsay Lohan

This is a pretty great article about what it is like to make a movie with Lindsay Lohan. But really, it's not even about her. It's about how crazy it is to make a movie in general. If you're interested in the business, you should read it.

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Tennis, Anyone?

When people find out that I'm a comedy writer they often ask me, "do you do standup?" No, I don't. The reason: I have self esteem and do not need your love! Also, I live in constant fear of people.

But many other comedy writers are standups. Most are basically writers, who occasionally get up on stage. However, some are real, honest to goodness working standups who decided to see how the other half lives by getting a job.

This often does not go well.

Standup comedians usually don't understand what working at a job means. And they really don't understand what "your joke isn't funny" means. They are shocked when their jokes don't make it in, cause they've never not used their jokes in their entire lives. That's how they've made their living, a one man operation. It doesn't work that way on a TV show.

Anyway, many years ago I was working on a show. The 3rd season was starting up and we hired a few new writers to bring some "freshness" to the table. One of the new writers was a standup named Kirk.

A nice guy. Very funny. Had been doing standup and only standup for a long time.

I remember the third day in, me, Kirk, and another guy were working on a bit together. The other guy asked me what I thought Morty would think of the bit. I explained how Morty was, what he liked, and how he operated. About 5 minutes into this conversation, Kirk looks at me and goes "who the hell is Morty?"

"Um, Morty is the Executive Producer, he runs the show".

He didn't know who his boss was. Again, standups are not used to having a boss. Well, okay...

The next day we were driving back from lunch. Kirk turns to me and says "What time do you think we'll be getting out of here today?"

I said the usual time, probably 7 or 8. He said, "Hmmm, you think I could get out at 2?"

I said, "I don't know, if it's important or something. What do you need to do?"

Kirk: "I have a really important tennis match at 2:30".

He wasn't kidding. A week later, Kirk got fired. And today, this was announced. 

I wish him luck, and hope this doesn't get in the way of his tennis.

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The Girl Everyone is Talking About Today

Alabama won the (fraudulent) national championship last night. But all is anyone is talking about today is their quarterback's girlfriend. She was in the stands and good ol' Brent Musberger was creepily talking about how hot she is.

It turns out, she's the current Miss Alabama. That's right, the pride of Alabama, their shining light, their best and brightest...



Tell me again why Alabama gets the same amount of senators as the other states?

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Sean the Boring Bachelor, Episode 1

Remember how Bachelor Pad cast a few diehard Bachelor fans last season? And remember that dork who they showed watching the show on his couch while drinking a glass of wine? Well, let me set the scene for you in Hermosa Beach.

I've taken a nice hot bath. I've poured some wine. I've built a freaking fire. And the show has begun...

What am I most excited about this season? The minorities. Definitely, the minorities. Let's begin...

There's an extensive "this season on" before the real show starts. I kinda prefer that to come at the end when I know which girl is which. But no matter, all of this shit is the same. There's a girl who isn't there to "make best friends", you get the idea. But is she there to make regular friends? We'll have to watch to find out!

Shirtless, hairless Sean! Buckle in, we'll be seeing a lot of that. I mean, the guy is good looking, but that's a pretty dopey looking face. The pecs, however, well, they're sublime.

We recap Sean getting his heart broken by Emily. They're really trying to play that up as a story line this year. What they aren't playing up? Emily cheating on Jef with Matt Leinart. But hey, why do the interesting thing?

Hey guys, don't worry, God has a plan for Sean. And it includes getting dumped on national TV and taking his shirt off a lot.

Sean is telling his sad tale of only being an Uncle and not having his own thing. This is hitting a little too close to home. Except for my chest has hair. Not a lot, just enough to be unattractive.

Odd shot of Sean standing against a giant rock on the beach while a newly married couple stands behind him taking photos. It's only odd because Sean has his shirt on. Come on, you're at the beach, this is the only time it's actually appropriate.

Next, Sean cuts some strawberries. "A good friend is coming over". Nope, it's just Arie. I guess Arie loves strawberries, and apparently Courtney. Seriously, why aren't they including the interesting things about these people?

There is no reason for this segment. It is only here to fill time. And it's awful. When you're bringing in a pretend race car driver to perform a comedy bit, you're doing it wrong.

I'm no expert, but I think Sean is overly buff right now. The proportions are off.

Arie advises Sean on how much tongue to use when kissing. I wish Ben was here so he could explain his patented "lick the lips" technique.

Either Sean's tie is too skinny or his tits are even bigger than I thought.

Okay, let's meet some of the ladies before we get to the limos:

Some 24 year old is telling us how she's had her heart broken twice and wants a family. You're barely an adult, sweetie, dial it back. Oh, and she's a huge Sean fan. She freaks out when she finds out. Yeah, she has the makings of happily ever after. She probably loves One Direction right now too.

Black chick! She's learning spanish, she's practically half-Mexican, two for the price of one! Are you watching, ALMA Awards?

A girl from Utah. Jeez, the producers love that state. I guess it's the only place you can go to get non-sluts. Whoops, Michelle Money was from there, never mind. And this one has a kid and she's divorced. That's allowed in Utah? I thought you just had to stay married and complained to your sister wives for the rest of your life.

Oh fuck. An amputee just appeared on my TV. So that's new. Talk about a minority, she's got half an arm, I don't think they're even allowed to vote yet. She's a cute blonde girl from LA. Pretty normal seeming, but how do you reject the girl with one arm? She's gonna last 4 episodes, based on the arm alone.

Oh Lord, one of the girls is a huge 50 Shades of Grey fan. This is embarrassing. One armed girl is suddenly looking a whole lot better.

There's a girl from Washington DC who has a really poorly done campaign sign for her and Sean. There's a model, and as usual, we're using the term "model" loosely here. There's a girl who is very organized and adopted and prettier than the model. But she's 32 and wears giant pearls and cries a lot.

At long last, LIMO TIME:

ASHLEE F. 32. The organizer/crier I just mentioned. She looks like Ali Landry, and that is a good thing. Sexy. But so, so old. Just dust and cobwebs at this point.

JACKIE. 25. COSMETICS. She's got a reddish, brown hair thing going with nice eyes. We're 2 for 2 in the looks category, people. Somewhere British Matt is going, "where the fuck were the cute girls when I was on the show?!"

SELMA. 29. REAL ESTATE. Hello, knockers. She's cute too, I'm quite pleased.

LESLIE. 29. POKER DEALER. One of the black girls, possibly. Mixed race of some sort, and our first unattractive girl. That's what happens when you get in via the quota system.

DANIELLA. 24. CASTING ASSOCIATE. She is a God Damn mess. 24? Holy crap, that is not gonna be a good look in about 2 more months. She's blonde and just raggedy, Courtney Love style. Not a fan.

KELLY. 28. CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER. She looks like she should be on Toddlers and Tiaras as one of the toddlers, except she's 28 (at least) now. Way too much makeup. And she's a cruise ship entertainer. Even Justin Guarini won't take those gigs. We are going downhill fast!

KATIE. 27. YOGA INSTRUCTOR. A young Amy Irving. Are these references too old for you people? I don't even know any more. But that's exactly who she looks like. She's barefoot, and has crazy eyes.

ASHLEY P. 28. HAIR STYLIST. The 50 Shades of Grey girl. Someone tie her up and murder her. Please.

TARYN. 30. HEALTH CLUB MANAGER. Fake blonde. She seems old. Despite Chris Harrison saying all of these girls are here for Sean, she doesn't know who the hell he is.

CATHERINE. 26. GRAPHIC DESIGNER. Asian alert! She looks good when she's not smiling, but she's gummy. I don't know, but she's definitely in the Handleman wheelhouse.

ROBYN. 24. OIL FIELD ACCOUNTANT MANAGER. She attempts a back hand stand and falls on her face. It's insane. Oh, and did I mention she's black? Well, she's no Dominique Dawes (references!).

LACEY. 24. GRAD STUDENT. People call her "Lace", so she brought a heart of lace to remember her by. Or he could just talk to you. Remember when the first 3 girls were hot and the show seemed like it was gonna be awesome? That was a fun 2 minutes.

PAIGE. 25. JUMBOTRON OPERATOR. Hey, I respect her career choice. Now, does that mean she's a cameraman, or does she type up birthdays and shit? Hopefully we'll find out. She was on the Bachelor Pad! She's one of the super fans. Yeah, I hated her.

TIERRA. 24. LEASING CONSULTANT. You can already tell that she is pure evil. She's the girl who freaked out when she found out it was Sean. She has a pretty face. Sean tells her to "wait here". He goes into the house and tells Chris he wants to "bend the rules". And by "bend the rules" he means "do exactly what the producers have told him to do". He gives her the first impression rose. By the way, that's kind of what that rose was supposed to mean in the first place.

Then again, isn't this kind of like, who cares what women have to say just base everything on looks? I'm not mad at it, I'm just stating it for the record.

When the other girls find out about Tierra getting the rose, they're really excited and happy for her. Yeah.

AMANDA. 26. FIT MODEL. She's a "fit" model because her face sucks.

KERIANN. 29. ENTREPRENEUR. She will be eliminated shortly. Sean doesn't even know how to pronounce "entrepreneur".

DESIREE. 26. BRIDAL STYLIST. We met her earlier. She's trying to be adorkable, so you know she's the antithesis of everything that I like. 

SARAH. 26. AD EXEC. The nub. Sean does well to not act weird about it. I also like that she doesn't mention her arm at all. Well played by all.

BROOKE. 25. COMMUNITY ORGANIZER. Heeeeyyy, we got another black girl. And she's a community organizer, or as we call it, the next President of the United States/communist/terrorist sympathizer. She isn't cute.

DIANA. 31. SALON OWNER. The girl from Utah with the kid. And she looks like a mom.

LESLEY M. 25. POLITICAL CONSULTANT. She brought a football. Stop it! You're confusing the whole Washington DC thing. America can only understand one generalization at a time! She makes him bend over with the ball and looks at his ass while pretending to hike it. I'm a fan of that bit.

KRISTY. 25. MODEL. How come models are always gross looking? She is a man, man.

ASHLEY H. 25. FASHION MODEL. Another black woman, or possibly "blackanese". This is the type of girl I would make a lot of bad decisions with. She says "hey Ken, I'm Barbie" in a smooth ass way that only black people can pull off. Sorta looks like Chili from TLC.

LOREN. 27. JOURNALIST.  She has no business on the show. She is people filler, not good.

LINDSAY. 24. SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. She is wearing a wedding dress and kisses him on the lips. He hates her and so do we. She seems very drunk. She'd have to be.

Those are the ladies. We started strong, and we finished weak. Oh, but there is ONE MORE GIRL!!! This is getting to be like pro wrestling. And it's...

KACIE B. Yes, that Kacie B. She's gone back to being skinny! Maybe too skinny. I don't like her hair and I don't like the dress or her facial expressions. No one confuses me with her looks more than Kacie B. Keep in mind, I've always questioned her ethnicity so we might have yet another black girl here.

They play up the other girls hating on her. Who cares? There's 25 of you! She has no special advantage. If anything, the knowledge that she was rejected by Ben makes her more pathetic.

Apparently, her and Sean have hung out before. Those damn Bachelor cruises!

The Zooey Deschanel chick claims to be able to throw a football "like no one else". Hmmm. Then what are you doing here? The Vikings needed you. Wait, what?! Sean busts out ANOTHER rose and gives it her. How many first impressions can one man have?

Oh, good. Everyone is confused by the multiple roses. One girl uses the phrase "mean mugging" correctly, which I like.

Tierra's being all cocky about getting the very first rose. "All I said was a sentence to him. A sentence". Ha!

So Sean is just handing out roses left and right. There might not even be a rose ceremony tonight. This is bad for my process.

It's way awkward, because every cocktail party conversation takes place with a rose on the table. I don't know how I feel about this. Uh oh, wedding dress girl is hammered. She demands that he kiss her. Sean is trying to run away like he's Indiana Jones and she's the drunk boulder.

The 50 Shades girl (Ashley P.) is also hammered, and begins dancing by herself to no music. Kacie, being so very rational and adorable and as boring as I am, says the girl just needs to drink some water.

Sean talks to Ashley P. and tells her he brought a rape whistle just in case. Nice! Sean, bringing it!

I imagine it's a pretty crazy interview process to get on this show. Lots of travel. A big time commitment. And then you're just gonna get sloppy drunk on night 1? Well, there's a reason they're on this show, and it's cause they're dumb.

Some of the girls are sad that they actually have to compete for a guy. Welcome to my world, bitches. But in my world, the competition is for girls. That was clear, right?

Sarah, the nub, is one of the complainers. She blames being single on only having one arm. "Guys assume that dating me would be more emotional work, they feel like it's easier to date a girl with 2 arms." Well, you could see why they'd think that.

I wish we could get Sean's real reaction as he goes on the show and sees a girl with one arm, 3 black girls, and 2 drunks. And it's kinda weird, he fell in love with Emily, right? Where are the good looking blondes? I don't know, but they're not on this show.

Sarah and Sean have a full conversation, and then she says "there's something I want to talk to you about..." Sean says he's not uncomfortable. I find it very cute how they didn't talk about it for so long cause it's the only thing I can look at.

One of the prettiest girls has bad boobies!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Shit. This is hard because he's already given out 12 roses and I don't really know who they were to. They cut to the women who got roses all standing awkwardly together. I don't remember their names. However, ALL 3 BLACK CHICKS HAVE ROSES. Say what you want about Sean, but the man is politically correct.

Okay, looking at the girls, this is who else got roses so far:

The Asian girl. Amy Irving. Zoey Deschanel. The mom from Utah. Nub. Tierra. Pretty face, bad tits. Selma. And Ali Landry.

Sean will now hand out 7 more...

AMANDA - the fit model (with the bad face)

LESLIE - the politician. I kinda like her, she's an early dark horse for me.

KACIE - I can't quit her. I love me some Kacie B!

KRISTY - the other model with the bad face.

DANIELLA - the 50 year old.

TARYN - one of the girls that was sad because she had to actually try. 

LINDSAY - the wedding dress/drunkard?! Jesus, those other girls must've sucked.

If you're keeping score at home, the cruise ship singer is out. So is Chili from TLC. As I predicted, the entrepreneur is gone. And goodbye to Paige, the super fan. Guess we'll never know what she does with that jumbotron.

Chili cries a lot. It's been so long since she's been in love! She's 25.

And goodbye to 50 Shades. It's a "bit of a bumsky".  If you're wondering if Sean could've fucked her, the answer is yes. Because she says that Sean could've fucked her.

This season on...

The nub goes far. Daredevil dates! I'm seeing a lot of Kacie B. And of course the Bachelor Copter! An ex boyfriend shows up!!! It seems fake. Sean knuckles up. Tierra is a bitch, as I suspected. Roller derby! An ambulance. All is lost. But then...

Sean finds happiness...and a monkey!

Thanks, all. See you next week!

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Oral History Alert!

Good Will Hunting.

Not a lot said about Minnie Driver. They really hate her.

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New Year, New Life

I'm back!

Happy New Year. Sorry I've been away, but it was kind of a shitty holiday. I had a nice amount of time off, but I got sick on Christmas eve and have been unable to completely shake it. The lesson, as always, is don't hang around kids. They are walking diseases. Pretty sure they're the reason for the Walking Dead zombies and also AIDS.

Anyway, I perked up just in time to ring in the new year and say goodbye to the old one. And oh, what a year it has been.

2012 was the year I made it into sitcoms. And man, was that lucky. I feel so thankful for getting this gig because it's been the best one I've ever had. The show is really well run, and it's been a rewarding experience and so much better than I thought it would be. I've learned a ton and I'm a better writer because of it.

But when I think back to 2012, I probably will not think about my big break in show business. Nope, because something bigger happened...

2012 was the year I got de-engaged.

This is a rare peak behind the Handleman curtain, so get excited. I've been loathe to get too into my personal life on here, for reasons that are unclear to me. I just haven't. I think it was because I used to have a lot of fun writing about being the pathetic single guy and telling my tales of saying awkward things to cute girls.

I guess I wanted to keep doing that, and I did, for awhile. I always enjoy those stories. But unbeknownst to you, I've been going out with the same girl for the last 6 years and living with her for the last 3. On our very first date, I took her to an R. Kelly concert. So you know she's pretty freaking cool.

Occasionally, I would mention my sidekick while writing Bachelor recaps. That was her. She checked my spelling (she is an instinctive speller, and has elementary school trophy's to back it up) and noticed girly things that I would miss.

After considering the R. Kelly thing and her Bachelor duties, I realized I had to propose to this girl. So a year ago, that's exactly what I did. She accepted.

Long story short, it didn't work out. Perhaps marrying a guy who blogs about the Bachelor and put a basketball hoop in his dining room isn't what Julia Roberts movies are made of. Who knew?

Anyway, she has left the Handleman household. It was sad. For both of us. But she is awesome and I love her, so don't hate. But this is actually not sad at all for you. Because now the awkward stories are going to make a huge comeback! Single, pathetic Handleman has been given new life.

And the truth is I never wanted to be the guy who blogged about being married and having kids like I'm the first person to ever do it. That is annoying. Instead, I get to be the guy who blogs about being the guy who "isn't really that old, but is just a little too old to be in the club".

So, there's gonna be some big changes on this blog. Huge changes. Actually, there's gonna be no changes, I'm gonna be doing the same old shit, except with a few more single guy stories (and more spelling mistakes). The Bachelor starts soon, and those of you that hate that will ignore it, and those of you who like it will love it. Especially because I will be bringing extra bitterness to it this year.

Do we all feel better now that I got that out? Good. Now let's all shut up and focus on the important task at hand: mocking Sean and 25 women for a few months, and then getting me on The Bachelorette!

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