Religious Question

Breaking news: Conservatives are upset with liberals. I can't believe it either. But apparently, certain evil liberals out there are religious bigots.

This was bound to come up because Mitt Romney happens to be a Mormon. Which, let's face it, is a funny religion. And you know they were just itching for the liberal Jew media to bring it up. But I'm a little perplexed by this story.

Here's what happened. Joan Walsh, who might be the dirtiest of all the dirty liberals, tweeted this:

"Romney's saving the soul of America - so he doesn't have to baptize us after we're dead"

This is in reference to the fact that Mormons sometimes baptize dead people who weren't Mormon, in order to get them into Mormon heaven. Well, not the real Mormon heaven, but Mormon heaven adjacent.

They've taken to baptizing a lot of Jews, including Daniel Pearl and Anne Frank. Poor Anne Frank. Just when she thought the Nazi's were through with her and she could rest in peace, along comes Brigham Fucking Young.

And Mitt Romney isn't just being lumped into all of this because he's Mormon. Supposedly Mitt and his wife even baptized her very atheist, very anti-religion father.

Joan Walsh has been getting hammered on Twitter, and she even apologized.

Now my question is: is it religious bigotry to mock that Mormon tradition?

No it isn't. Well, I'm glad I cleared that up.

Oh, maybe I should expand on that...

I guess it's wrong, to some people, not me, but to some, to mock the whole magic underwear thing. Or Glenn Beck. Or polygamy. Or Utah. Or the fact that they killed Howard Hughes. I get that. That is wrong.

But if you have a "tradition" that involves taking innocent dead people and imposing your religion on them, then you give up your ability to cry bigotry. You're not just innocently practicing your religion. No, you've crossed outside your religion's bounds into the outer world where you are no longer free from criticism.

And this whole thing comes just as they are also claiming that Obama is imposing on their religious freedoms. You know what really imposes on someone's religious freedoms? Summoning them from the grave and forcing them to cheer for BYU!

I have this funny feeling that Sean Hannity wouldn't be too pleased if his dear ol' dead Grand Pappy Hannity was converted to Muslmism by Barack Obama. Yeah, something tells me he might become anti-religion real quick.

I'm very disappointed that Joan Walsh caved and apologized. The Mormons are the ones that should be apologizing. At the very least for giving us Katherine Heigl.

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The Difference Between Cable and Network

Before I begin, I must warn you: I got some food poisoning and I haven't pooped anything solid in about a week, so please forgive my rage. All right, time to let some bitterness and jealousy out...

I went over to good ol' Deadline Hollywood the other day and some news caught my eye:

"The Office Head Writer Daniel Chun Signs Overall Deal With ABC Studios"

After stints at The Simpsons and The Office, Daniel Chun is embarking on development with a two-year overall deal at ABC Studios. The seven-figure pact, which will start in the summer, was made in a competitive situation, with ABC going aggressively after the sought-after writer-producer.

Congratulations to Daniel. I don't know him, but I'm sure he's extremely talented and this is well deserved.

This story was of particular interest to me because like him, I also happen to be the head writer of a show. So we have that common. What we don't have in common is overall deals and 7 figures, I have neither of those. No one is competitively trying to sign me up to do anything.

Now I know what you're thinking, "hey buddy, you write on a stupid cable clip show, this dude is on The Office. You're not even close to that level".

You're right. You're totally right. Except for one small thing:

MY SHOW GETS BETTER RATINGS THAN HIS!!!

Did you hear that? I feel like I need to repeat it:

My show gets better ratings than his.

Oh, and also, his show is most likely getting canceled this year. Meanwhile, if my network could order a thousand more episodes of mine, they'd do it in a second.

So here we have two head writers, one on a show with better ratings, the other on a show that used to be successful and is now about to be canceled, and the guy with the shittier ratings is getting 7 figures and the other guy is getting no love. How am I supposed to be cool with all of this again?

Does this not seem like it would be frustrating? Maybe it's me.

And I didn't even mention how my show costs a tenth of what their show costs to make, thus making it a million times more profitable. But hey, why delve into the messy facts that make me want to blow my poverty stricken brains out?

Now, I'm not a fool. I'm not surprised by any of this, and I don't expect people to throw millions of dollars at me. However, I'd take a fucking 5 figure deal at this point!

It's not like I'm asking for the world here, people. I'm saying, this guy gets 7 figures, I'd like a free lunch, maybe. I'd take that. So far, my phone ain't ringing.

Okay, that's the frustrating, annoying as shit micro look at things. But I bring it up here in order to look at the bigger picture because I think it's pretty interesting. The TV landscape is getting weird.

Maybe, just maybe, Jeff Zucker was smarter than everyone else. Maybe the Jay Leno show was the right move. And maybe, the Jay Leno Show is the future, and Zucker was ahead of his time.

Ratings wise, Leno usually got between a 1.5 and a 1.7. That's not all that great. But let's check out what kind of numbers NBC is doing now:

You know how Tina Fey is a genius and everything? Well, last week 30 Rock got a 1.5.

How about everyone's favorite show, Parks and Rec: 1.7.

But those shows were on during the 8:00pm hour. The Jay Leno show was on at 10pm, so what did The Firm do (on February 2nd), you ask? A .8.

.8.

Meanwhile Jersey Shore was busy doing a 2.9.

Here's Wednesday for NBC: Whitney 1.5, Chelsea 1.3, Rock Center .6, Law and Order 1.6.

On cable, at MIDNIGHT, Robot Chicken did a 1.0.

Jesus, it seems like NBC would kill to have Jay Leno on in prime time right now. And the brilliance of it is that it was on every night of the week. You get that programming, and that rating, every night. And it costs a million times less than paying Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, and a cast of thousands.

Things have changed.

And through all of this, I think I've forgotten my point. Oh yeah:

Less and less people are going to the big networks to watch a majority of the TV shows they are putting on the air, so maybe it's time to stop putting the people who do network shows on a pedestal.

I understand the prestige of having 30 Rock on your network, but the fact is, nobody is watching.

Is a 2.5 rating on cable worth less than the Office's 2.5 rating? No, in fact, it's worth way more. So why give a guy 7 figures to make another show that gets a 2 when you can pay someone else 5 figures to get the same number?

Cool, niche cable shows have eaten away at the big boys, so there are certain things they should stop doing. However, there's still a big audience for bland, expensive procedural dramas, lame competition reality shows, and even lamer, CBS style, lowest common denominator sitcoms. But everything else, at some point, is going to be too expensive than they're worth.

But right now, to answer the question of the title of this post, the difference between cable and network is still 7 figures.

Eventually though, the networks will turn back to stuff like the Jay Leno Show. And because of that, they may even have to turn to...me. Because that's what I do. I am a cheap, comedy writing whore. I just hope I haven't killed myself by the time they do the math on all of this.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 9: Fantasy Sex

I guess we're gonna get an Emily Maynard segment on the show tonight. I'll get to that as it comes. For now, let's see if you guys would like to forgo your regular rooms...

Ben is scared that he's going to blow it and pick the wrong person. Too late, you've already picked the wrong three.

It becomes immediately clear that they do not have enough entertainment to fill out a 2 hour episode. Things start off with a 15 minute recap of the 3 girls. 15 minutes! And later, we're getting Emily. They might as well hold up a sign that says Ben Was a Huge Mistake.

At long last, Ben gets to Switzerland where he walks around, deep in thought, or whatever passes for thought with this guy. He's probably just thinking about grapes, or hair, or reminding himself to lick his lips before kissing.

First date is with Nikki, and of course, the Bachelor Copter. The girls still have to pretend to be excited when they see it, even though they've seen it for 9 episodes in a row.

They chopper up to a mountain and have a picnic on a cliff. Ben says "I hope Nikki will say yes to an overnight, because it feels like we're continuing our love story". And every good love story has that part where you have to fuck on camera.

That date was basically just a bunch of shots of them standing on top of mountains. It looked like the training sequence from Rocky IV. I expected Ben to yell "Drago!" to all of Interlaken.

Later that night, they have dinner. Nikki is going crazy with her Ben love. She's talking about moving to SF, how many kids does he want, what kind of shampoo does he use, etc.

Ben recognizes that Nikki is putting herself out there, and then speaks in sex code to us: "I want to see if we can take it to the next level, I'm a little nervous about giving her this card tonight, and I hope that she's ready for it". Ready for your dick? I don't know how anyone could be.

They go to the fantasy suite. There are candles everywhere. And there's this awkward camera shot of the bedroom, of just the bed with no one else in the shot, as if to say: this is where these two will be doing it, America.

Nikki has to be drunk. Has to be. She's rambling on about how she would be so good to Ben, and how he's "a good person, such a good person". Well, I don't blame her for getting liquored up in preparation for what's coming. If it was me I'd give myself the date rape drug.

2nd date, Lindzi time. Still can't believe she's here. They're going repelling. Maybe the producers just forced Ben to keep Lindzi around because she's the only one stupid enough to do all these "extreme sports". Or maybe Ben wants to do them with her so he doesn't have to talk more about horses.

Ben thinks being let down by a rope at about an inch per 20 seconds is "free falling". They drop down into a gorge. How awesome would it be if both of their hair got stuck in a rock, and they were trapped there for 127 hours and the only way out was to cut Ben's hair but he won't let her do it because he's stupid and gross.

In a strange moment, Ben interviews to us that he "loves Lindzi". He sort of blurted it out and said it almost as a question, the way he says most things. Lindzi calls herself the ice queen. Ben says that he's going to try and use the fantasy suite to thaw that pussy! Well, not really, but he's totally thinking it because he's never had sex with cute girls before this show.

Later that night, they go to dinner and Ben is wearing a bow tie. He probably assumes that's what people who actually operate wineries wear.

Lindzi says she puts walls up and "it sorta works for me". Yeah, it's going great so far. She gets the fantasy suite card and says: "normally I don't just go stay the night with anyone, but I...would love to." She says it like she totally wouldn't love to! Here's the face she makes:


She might have just as bad as intentions as Courtney. Lindzi is quietly not here for the right reasons, people.

Ben: "I feel like tonight Lindzi wasn't in a place to fully open up to me..." Ew.

Last and certainly least, it's Courtney time. She blabs about wanting kids and how great Ben is, just adding to her acting reel, I guess. For some reason she mentions that she feels bad about the way she treated the girls. Foreshadowing?

Then Ben brings it up to her. Why wouldn't this conversation happen before you got rid of Kacie B and before you met her family? Oh yeah, because he wanted to get her in the fantasy suite. Why ask pertinent questions when it might get in the way of another blow job?

Courtney cries that she "doesn't know if we can recover from all this stuff". All this stuff? All he said was that he was "a little concerned". Dammit, I think she's even manipulating me now.

Suddenly, their entire date is about how Courtney treated the other girls. Again, why is this only coming up between them now? Shouldn't they have talked about this before they wrote vows to each other? They truly had nothing to work with this episode, this is pathetic.

Oh, Courtney says she likes Ben because she "wants normal in her life". I guess she's sick of going out with those good looking famous guys with cool lives.

Ben is relieved to hear Courtney apologize. Dude, you've given her roses the last 3 episodes, I don't think you were that concerned about it. This is so fucking produced and fake, I hate it.

The guy who invented hot tubs is resting easy tonight.

Courtney says that Ben is the best thing that's ever happened to her. That is technically true.

And just as they're about to bang it out...

We're oddly interrupted by Emily Maynard! So weird. Someone actually thought this was good? Wow. No commercial break or anything? They just immediately cut to Emily and her kid and how lonely she is.

I agree with many of you, it feels like she missed her window. If she had done The Bachelorette immediately, it would've been a lot better. But still, at least she's appealing, which is more than we can say for the last few people on this stupid show. So I can't quibble with this choice.

Emily comes to LA so Ali and Ashley can "help" her. What the hell? Avoid those two at all costs!

Hate to say it, but Emily is looking a bit old.

The three of them get into really tight dresses, some hired paparazzi pretend to take their picture, they get in a limo, and go watch Titanic in 3D. What seamless product integration!

They talk to each other while wearing the 3D glasses and it's embarrassing. This whole thing is a really bad joke and I'm sad for all involved. Yes, even Ashley.

That whole bit was just done as a commercial for Titanic. So they can cross that off their Leap List.

Back to the show. The next morning, Ben looks out onto Switzerland, thinking about all the STDs he's just contracted, and it is good.

Then, Kacie shows up at his door, and even does a dramatic pause before knocking. Poor Kacie, first the crying in the limo, and now this. Flying all this way to look like an idiot? Maybe they had to do that Titanic ad just to pay Kacie to come back.

Kacie is there to ask him why he rejected her. Oh Kacie, no.

By the way, usually there's a couple of episodes distance between people showing up out of the blue. Kacie just left! She's back already? Why not talk to him yesterday when you were both in America? It was literally yesterday.

Ben tells her that he felt they were world's apart. Ben, in coded language, tells Kacie that he was scared of her dad and their religion.

Kacie can tell he was freaked out by her parents and tries to tell him that she makes decisions on her own. Too little, too late, Bible thumper.

Now she goes to the real reason she's here: Courtney is a monster. She tells him if he "were to choose Courtney you would get your heart broken". Ha! Yeah, dipshit, you might think you're too good for me, but she's too good for you, so deal with it.

I'm actually enjoying this because you can tell how much Ben hates it. He hates hearing trash talk and he's trying so hard not to look like an idiot. Sorry, that ship has sailed, buddy.

Afterwards, Kacie lies down on the floor of the hotel hallway "can I just have a minute?" Poor, Kacie. Poor, unloved, confused, half black, flat chested Kacie.

I have to add here: the only thing Kacie said against Courtney was that Courtney once said "if it's not Ben, there are plenty of other fish in the sea". Which, to me, is actually quite healthy. The women should think that way. You're the crazy one if you think Ben is the only guy for you.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Nikki is wearing a fucking toga. Lindzi looks the best of the three, and it's not close.

It must be so weird to stand in front of 3 girls you just had sex with. It's how I feel when I go to my girlfriend's family reunions. Hey oh!

LINDZI - I knew it was going to happen now, but I am still stunned that she is final two material. We just haven't seen much from her the entire show. I mean, there's no way in hell she's gonna win, so it's strange.

COURTNEY - no shock there.

I feel for Nikki. She's the only of the three that even likes him at all! She poured her heart out to this dude. And now, this. Brutal.

What does it say about a guy, who goes on this show, and these are the 2 girls he ends up with? I don't think there's ever been a Bachelor who picked 2 girls who were both not good and both clearly not that in like with him. What I'm trying say is, Ben is the worst.

Nikki, still wearing her toga, gets in the limo and heads over to a party at the Delta Tau Chi house.

She cries, but luckily, doesn't go all Kacie with it.

Next week: the women tell all. And by that I mean they tell all about how much of a bitch Courtney was/is.

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Rick Santorum is Still Amazing

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Singers Are Worthless

I don't know if you've heard, but Whitney Houston died last week. It's been reported that she may have been broke, or near broke. There's a possibility that she didn't have a lot of money because she was doing crack cocaine for the last 20 years. But another reason that Whitney Houston didn't have a lot of money is because she never wrote a song in her life. Not one. Not a single lyric. Nothing. It's a quite a feat, really.

The people who are rich from Whitney Houston's songs, and getting richer right now, are the people who wrote them. And deservedly so. Because no matter how great Whitney was, "I'm Your Baby Tonight" could've been sung by Mariah and it would still be a good song.

I didn't really think about this until I started to watch The Voice this season. And The Voice represents something very interesting in the "find a great singer" genre. It's different than American Idol. Whereas American Idol purports to go all around America to find previously undiscovered talent, The Voice goes all around Los Angeles looking for already discovered talent.

The people on The Voice, for the most part, have careers. Or used to have them. They've been signed to record deals, they've gone on tour, in short, they've made it into the system. And the system rejected them.

We're through the looking glass here, people. We've gone through all the singers in the country, and we're somehow going back through the old ones again. Why can't America understand that we're over our singer limit? We don't need to find anymore! We're all good. It's the equivalent to Hollywood desperately searching for more people to come here and write a screenplay. It's unnecessary and counterproductive at this point.

There was a great moment demonstrating this the other night. A kid came out on The Voice and sang an Usher song. Despite the fact that he sounded EXACTLY like Usher, none of the judges turned around. Finally, Cee Lo hit the stupid button on his chair, saying "I think they're pulling a prank on us and it really is Usher singing".

That's why he turned around. Because it might be Usher. And none of the other judges turned! Usher might've been behind them and they still didn't know if that person was worthy of keeping on the show.

Because, you see, it doesn't really matter. It could've been Usher. There are lots of people who can sing like Usher. So many, in fact, that the other judges didn't even turn. Singers are a dime a dozen. So maybe it's time we stop looking for them. Please? Cause I really hate these awful shows.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 8: Meet the Parents

I realized something this week: this crap ass season actually has a chance to totally redeem itself. Even though Ben is so awful and it was a complete disaster choosing him to be the Bachelor, a Kacie vs. Courtney finale is darn intriguing. Why? For the very reason that Ben is so awful, because he might choose Courtney! And that would be great because she has no interest in him whatsoever. It would be the ultimate comeuppance.

Let's begin...

Oh shit. I forgot Lindzi was still here. She's the first hometown visit and guess what? She's riding another horse! Dance with the one that brung ya, I guess.

Lindzi is from Florida, that makes sense. Lindzi: "If Ben ends up with me, horses are going to be a big part of our life together". Lindzi, don't you understand that Ben is constantly on the move, his schedule is unpredictable and he never knows where he'll be next! He can't be tied down with a horse.

The wind is not doing Lindzi's hair any favors. Ben has never done his hair any favors.

Ben seems a little annoyed that Lindzi went out with other people before he met her. That bitch.

Ben kisses her, and does the rare double lick of his lips! Have you people been picking up on this? He licks his lips right before every kiss in a really gross way. This time, possibly because of the windy conditions, he doubled up. Here he is mid-lick...


We meet Lindzi's parents, and guess what they want to do? Carriage racing! Ugh, enough with the horses. Maybe this is why Lindzi is forced to whore herself out to a reality show just to find a man. She's probably rejected tons of awesome dudes just because they wanted to drive a car instead of saddling up.

We hear a lot about Lindzi's heart break with her last boyfriend, but don't get any real specifics on why she got dumped. My guess is he horsed around on her.

Lindzi is an only child. Huge surprise there. Her favorite TV show is Luck. Favorite movie actress: Julia Roberts. Favorite TV actress: Sarah Jessica Parker. Football player? Peyton Manning. She's strongly in favor of the new rule adopted by the NFL which penalizes teams 15 yards for horse collar tackles. Face masks? Well, that's a horse of a different color.

Kacie is next. She's from Tennessee. A high school band greets Ben, along with Kacie. She looks like a mess. Oh, it's raining. This girl's hair needs pristine conditions to look okay. She's like the boy in the bubble, if her hair leaves that bubble it will die, and by die I mean turn into an afro.

Kacie tells Ben that her dad is a probation officer and doesn't drink, she says "we're in the Bible belt, Ben". This is a slight problem because Ben pretends to make wine for a living. Thank God it's all a lie.

We meet Kacie's mom, dad, and sister. They appear to all be white. She looks nothing like her dad. It's possible that her mom banged Steve McNair. RIP.

Kacie's sister is cute in a backwoods, cousin fucking way. I'd say it's a toss up between the two.

Ben always acts like he's shocked that he likes someone. "She's really surprised me!" Shut up, you're lucky to be here, stop acting like you're not.

Kacie's mom is a huge fan of the Bachelor, as a TV show. So she knows how this is all playing out, I like it. She doesn't want Ben and Kacie to live together before getting hitched. Considering the circumstances, it's a very strange concern. I mean, she knows the Fantasy Suites are coming up next week. I'd be much more worried about what Ben intends to do with his penis on national TV.

Kacie's parents are emphatic about her not living in sin. They are so against that. I will never understand the south.

Her dad says that if Ben asked for his permission to marry her, he would say no. These are the people who vote for Rick Santorum.

Nicki's up next, she's from Fort Worth, Texas. I feel so sad for Nikki's body. Her face is fine, her boobs are good, but she is really shaped like a pear. She has the anti-Courtney body.

Since they're in Texas they have to go shopping for cowboy boots and hats. Is the Civil War still being fought?

Ben: "I don't think you're beating a dead horse". Thank God he didn't say that to Lindzi.

Ben seems more affectionate with Nicki.

Nicki is a good person. A real, normal, good person. She's making me feel bad about the pear thing. But wait...incoming!


We meet Nicki's mom, dad, and brother. Her parents have been divorced almost her whole life. The way Nicki is talking to her mom, it seems like she's in love with the idea of being married. I think she wants to make up for what her parents didn't have. There's some fairy tale life she thinks she missed out on growing up. And she's wrong.

I love Nicki's dad. He feels bad for letting Nicki marry that good for nothin', sum bitch. He cries. Rednecks, they're just like us. Except racist.

Ben didn't touch his supper.

Guys, this might sound crazy, that I'm falling for the editing, but Nicki is moving up my list. Now I think it could be Nicki vs. Courtney, with the more obvious, more reasonable finale being Nicki vs. Kacie.

Courtney's turn, so Ben heads to Crazy Town, Arizona. Courtney says she hasn't been with a guy who didn't break her heart or let her down, but Ben is different. Yeah, he is different, he's not cool or good looking.

We meet Courtney's mom, dad, and sister. She looks just like her mom. Her mom is skeptical. She sort of implies that while Ben is polite, he's clearly not at the Courtney level. He's not pure evil enough.

Courtney keeps saying two things: that she's "falling" for Ben, and that all men have "betrayed" her. I don't believe either one, but I hope the betrayed thing is true.

She takes him for a picnic where a wedding is setup. Courtney is wearing white. She announces that they are going to write vows. She also brought a bow tie for him. It's all annoying and lame.

They exchange vows. Just what all guys love to do! Why have just one wedding when you can have a bunch of fake ones?

Courtney plagiarized her vows from "Sex and the City". Seriously, she does. She can't even come up with real words to say to him. I think she's using this as her audition reel.

She reveals that she's in love with him. Ben probably believes it.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Oh man, Nicki just lost all of the goodwill she built up with the dress she is wearing. Yikes. "Do you have that in a size dumpy?"

COURTNEY - the dream lives

LINDZI - WHAT THE HELL?!! I just yelled at the TV and now my voice is horse.

NICKI - unreal.

I can't believe he got rid of Kacie, but here's an important thing to note: Kacie's dad very specifically told Ben if you're not going all the way with Kacie, let her go now. That has to be what this is, but still...she was the front runner in my book.

It's not so much that Kacie's going home, it's that she's going home and Lindzi is still here. Lindzi is ridiculous, I barely remember that she's even on the show.

Ben says goodbye to Kacie and she is totally cool about it. Until...

Kacie does the limo cry. She squeals "Why am I not good enough, like, I don't get it!" And "this is why I don't love, this is why! I loved him and I don't know what to do now. How did this happen? What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened?!"

So unfortunate, yet so funny. Oh Kacie, don't go out like that. It's only Ben. It's only Ben!

To me, this means that Courtney "wins". I see no other way.

Next week: we're off to Switzerland. It's majestic. And the producers send in one of the rejected girls to talk shit about Courtney. Well, at least they're trying.

Goodnight.

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Remember When I Said I Hated High Waisted Pants?

I still do.

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Pilot Update

Sorry, I've forgotten to provide an update on my pilot situation. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of exciting things to say.

If things had gone right, I'd be talking casting right now. Directors. Awful network notes. I'd probably have to pretend that some celebrity that I've previously shit on is now awesome because they are doing my show! "I know that I've said I don't like bangs, but they look really good on Liv Tyler".

But alas, it was not to be. So I can still say that Liv Tyler and her bangs are the worst. And the truth is, this news isn't all bad...

So last year, as you may recall, I sold a one hour pilot. I did not sell it directly to a network. I sold it to a very large production company, the kind that produces a shitload of shows on TV for all of the networks.

They thought the idea might be right for a big time feature director they have under a development deal. So they hooked me up with the president of that director's production company.

The guy calls me and we arrange a meeting. For some reason, it happens at a deli. This is very confusing to me - am I supposed to pitch the show at a deli? Will we order grilled cheeses? Will the people at other tables hear me make a fool of myself? I'm not a deli man! But if you would've told me it was at a Jamba Juice I'd be your huckleberry.

Well, we indeed meet at a deli. I repeatedly ask, "should I start now?" Finally, he gives me the go ahead. And just as I start in on my opener, the waiter comes over. He orders food. I order a lemonade.

I start again. I'm 2 minutes in and the lemonade comes. I press on. I manage to wrap it up before his sandwich comes. He smiles, he likes it. I can work delis!

So now me and the director are a team, along with the production company. Now we have to go to the networks and pitch the show together. They felt it was possibly right for NBC, ABC, and Fox, so that's where we went with it. The pitches went fine. I did my song and dance, they asked really good questions, and that was that.

All three networks passed.

Bummer.

But, that's not the end of things. Because the production company has to pay me! Yay! And also, this now reverts to a blind script deal. So I pretty much have to come up with something and try to sell it again and write a script, etc. Nothing is over until we say it's over!

In the mean time, they made me pitch the same show to the cable arm of their company. And the cable arm liked the idea and wanted to pitch it to the cable world. With one caveat: they wanted me to pitch it as a half hour.

At first I was happy with this. After all, I had put a lot of work in on the idea. But as I was converting it to a half hour "comedy", I realized this sucked. Why? Because kinda the whole point of the show idea was to do a big network version of an idea that normally only exists on cable. Transferring it to cable made it seem like a lame version of a cable show.

On the other hand, I'd love to have my own show on cable so what the hell am I complaining about?

So that's where I'm at. I'm gonna do my song and dance again and see what happens. If there's no takers, I can go back to trying to do a network show with them. It's really all good, but I'd love to be able to get past the pitch stage and start the annoying notes stage. If only I could do these network pitches at a deli.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 7: Mutiny

We've moved to Belize. 6 women will be reduced to 4. I don't see Emily surviving this. Or Rachel. Or Lindzi. Wait, that's too many, can this just be the final episode?

I have been remiss not to mention Emily's "rapping". She might be the only girl on this show that has an actual personality. Well, Courtney has a personality if you count evil whore as a personality.

Emily compares Ben to a piece of cheesecake in swimming trunks. Since I find cheesecake disgusting, I agree with her.

Bachelor Copter! Ben and Lindzi fly over something called "the blue hole". The blue hole is not to be confused with the black hole, which is the nickname Ben has given Courtney's pussy. Why do they keep setting me up for Courtney's pussy jokes? It's not fair.

Ben tells Lindzi that they are going to jump off the helicopter into the blue hole. This harkens back to a grand Bachelor tradition - forcing people to do life threatening things in the name of love and TV. For some reason, they insist that being with someone should involve almost dying. If they really felt that way, they wouldn't make all the girls clear an STD test.

The wind from the blades of the helicopter force Ben's hair into a Bieber, and it's even more ridiculous than his hair is on a calm day.

Later, they're on a deck for dinner. They're walking along and there's this whole thing setup, with candles and food and everything, and Lindzi goes "Is this us?" Ha! No, an episode of Elimidate is scheduled to shoot here in about 20 minutes.

There's so much going on with Lindzi's head that it's hard to capture here. Hair is in a thousand directions, her mouth isn't good, there might be eyebrow issues, I don't know. She's got the elements of pretty, but if pretty were hit by a shovel and then caught in a hurricane.

Lindzi forces out a "I really like you, I definitely am...falling". It's really not believable at all. She doesn't give a shit about Ben. But hey, you ride in on a horse, you better stay in the saddle. That's a saying, right?

They write a fairy tale about themselves and put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. I feel bad for whoever gets that bottle because they can't fast forward through it like I'm doing.

Emily gets the next one on one date. They ride bikes together. Then they force this poor local man to participate in a little play that results in him taking them diving for lobsters. People in third world countries are the real victims of this show.

Ben catches a lobster. He hasn't had seafood since that time he went skinny dipping and ate...Courtney's pussy! God Damn, I apologize, it's not me, it's them.

Back at the hotel, Courtney cries. She says that she really liked him, and doesn't know how much more she can take. I don't know what the hell she is talking about, but I'm pretty sure it's just a ploy for more camera time.

Why does everyone always say "I know my family will absolutely love you"? Does anyone's family ever really love the person you're going out with? What are the percentages on that? I'd say 70-30 hate. Here's a news flash, most of your families suck, and anyone that they love probably sucks too.

Courtney gets the next one on one and brags about it. This prompts Kacie B, who is the nicest person in the world, to call her a "fucking bitch". Well, not to her face, to us. But still. Here's Kacie B's face as Courtney gloats:


Oh no she didn't! I told you she's black, no white girl can make that face.

Courtney says something that I think is actually good. She says "Ben needs to step his game up". Now, do you think any of these other girls think that way? Hell no. They think, what do I need to do to get a rose? Courtney has it right. And the fact is, that's the way the other girls will start thinking once the show ends, when they come to their senses and immediately break up with him and go on the Bachelor Pad.

Courtney barrages Ben with all of her complaints. She tells him she "lost the spark, babe". It's hard for me to read Ben's face as to how he feels about this, but I assume he's thinking "boobs, boobs, skinny dipping, boobs".

Of course, Ben falls right into it and tells her he's "amazed that she's hung on the whole time". You know that she's a model, right? You should be amazed that she's restrained herself from fucking the camera.

Together they climb the stairs of a Mayan temple. Courtney says that each step they took felt like it was another step in their relationship. Which step is the one where you sell your story to Us Weekly and start dating Pauly Shore?

Ben somehow feels even better about what they have because Courtney lost the spark. Man, she knows what to say to get insecure dorks to do exactly what she wants. If you hadn't watched the show before and just watched this date, you'd think Courtney was the Bachelorette and Ben was one of many guys. She's gotten him to beg her to meet her family. Bravo.

Courtney kisses Ben for a second then pulls away. Then she kisses him again and he literally has to hold her head to keep her from recoiling again.

Courtney pretends her hands are guns and says in an interview "that's the kill shot!". Fuck, she is the greatest Bachelor girl of all time. Unfortunately, that's hard to know for sure because the level of competition (Ben) is so low. It's like the Globetrotters against the Generals over here. Don't be surprised if Ben falls for the old bucket filled with confetti trick.

Courtney starts to get diarrhea of the mouth about the other girls, and we know how Ben feels about that. He starts to get a little suspicious. She's saying awful things about girls that he knows are nice people. He asks, "do you have friends back home?" Ha. She says "I have a lot of guy friends". No, you don't. You have guys who have sex with you.

Group date. Kacie, Nikki, and Rachel. There is a rose on the line. Ben surprises the girls and wakes them up at 4am. Kind of weird - the girls are sharing beds. Nice budget, ABC!

If I was a producer for this show and my goal was to find the right girl for Ben, I'd be pretty pleased with myself for finding Nikki, Kacie, and Jennifer. That's about right for this guy. But will he realize it?

Ben takes the ladies on a boat and announces that they are going "shark diving". Kacie and Nikki squeal with delight. Rachel, not so much. She's not interested. And I say good for her! Fuck that noise. That's why you have a boat in the first place, to keep away from the sea creatures.

But no, Ben says "getting out of your comfort zone, and overcoming your fears is a huge part of a relationship". It is? Really? I thought they were for staying in your comfort zone. Why would I want someone who wants to make me swim with sharks and die? I want to die in a relationship the old fashioned way, by getting caught cheating and shot dead in a murder/suicide.

Poor Rachel It would make me so happy if she just walked away. Ben is not comforting at all, and is actually being a real dick. The first thing I would say is "you don't have to do this, it's no big deal at all". But he doesn't. He pressures her into doing it.

Rachel: "I need to show him that I can do this". No, you don't! You don't have to do anything of the sort.

And now the other girls are jealous because Ben is with Rachel the whole time. They're also jealous cause she has two things they don't have - boobs. I take that back, Nikki has boobs, but it's at the expense of her bulky lower body.

I'm pretty convinced that Ben couldn't do better than Nikki. Everything that is wrong with men is demonstrated by Ben liking Courtney more than her.

Kacie tells Ben that she's falling in love with him. Ben is a little caught off guard. She says that because she's falling in love with him, she wants her family to know him and know how important he is to her. That's funny, I'm the opposite. I like to hide girls from my family for as long as possible, just for the sport of it.

Ben gives the rose to Kacie. That has to be bad news for Rachel, I don't see how she survives this.

Courtney hates on Kacie: "she's a little girl in a little boy's body". Ouch.

Finally, Nikki can't take it anymore, neither can Kacie, and they tell Ben "we want you to be careful with Courtney". Nikki adds the kicker "just tread lightly". I love that because that's the same exact asshole phrase that Ben gave to Emily when she tried to warn him.

At long last, it might be getting through to Ben. Jeez. This has to be because of the shit Courtney was talking earlier. For her to hate on Kacie and the others like that, when they are so clearly nice, semi-normal girls, it just rang false. I will say though, a bad side effect of this talk is that Nikki is coming across like a mom or a sister.

The next night, they all get together for the rose ceremony. The girls talk. Courtney: "Ben's not the only guy in the world". And thank God for that. She's acting all retarded, she must've taken something. Let's hope it was the same shit Whitney was taking.

She gloats about how she's not worried at all, and makes this face a lot:


Guys, Rachel is pretty great looking. Let's not forget that.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

I will say, if Bachelor tradition holds, the person who "isn't there to make friends" usually goes home before the hometown visits.

Before Ben gives out roses, he says he needs to talk to Courtney real quick. They chat. He asks her, "are you here for the right reasons?" Nice job, Columbo, I'm sure you'll get to the truth that way.

Back to the ceremony:

NIKKI - interesting, she was on the bubble

LINDZI - gross. That puts Emily on bubble watch!

COURTNEY - boom.

But the real stunner is Lindzi. Why?! Emily is better than her. Rachel is hotter than her. Ben refuses to do anything that I would find remotely smart and good.

Uh oh, when Rachel cries she talks like a deaf person! A deaf person with a German accent! What is happening? They had to subtitle her. That was awesome. I don't know what language she was speaking, but it was enjoyable.

The ending is really odd. Ben doesn't even walk them out. It's just sort of like, "bye!" If I were Emily I wouldnt' be able to resist giving a parting shot about Courtney. Oh well, maybe she's saving it for the girls tell all.

Next week: we find out Kacie isn't black.

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In Defense of Chris Brown

It's never a good idea, as a man or in general, to defend a guy who beat a woman. But fuck it, I'm gonna do it.

The Grammy's were on tonight, and the internet was abuzz over the fact that they allowed Chris Brown to perform. There were many angry tweets about it, and more specifically, there was this article about how we all should be furious that Chris Brown was at the Grammys.

This is basically the Michael Vick argument all over again. One side says that Michael Vick should not be allowed to play football in the NFL. The other side says he went to jail and paid his price and should be allowed to make a living. I think Chris Brown should be allowed to make a living.

The author of that article writes:

"A man who hits a woman in anger deserves to be reported to the authorities and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, regardless of who might be inconvenienced in the process."

He was. He was given 5 years of probation and 180 hours of community service.

"A man who hits a woman in anger may eventually be permitted to go on with his own life...but he is not permitted back in my life, even if it’s been three whole years."

How does "your life" include the Grammys? Is that in the Constitution - life, liberty, and watching a dumb awards show?

And I didn't hear her complain when he performed on the BET awards. What kind of racist shit is that? I guess the BET awards aren't involved in her life, maybe she should keep everyone notified of her TV viewing habits.

She also brings up the "what if it was your sister?" question. Well, I have 2 sisters. And if one of them were punched by a multi-platinum singer, as awful as that would be, I don't think I'd be surprised to see him on a show about singers.

Just as if one of them were punched by a dock worker (do people still work at the docks? is it all automated now? i don't know), I wouldn't be shocked to see the guy working the docks.

But none of this is my real point. Here are the 2 things:

1) Chris Brown's album WAS the best r&b album of the year. And I say that as probably one of the only people who still buys full length r&b albums, and as a staunch R. Kelly fan. I can't help it, it was the best album. He earned the award.

It's just like OJ Simpson - no matter how many people he murders, it can't change the fact that the dude could run with the ball extremely well. Chris Brown made a great album. Sorry.

2) Chris Brown and Rihanna are going out again.

Now, this second point is a tough one. I mean, holy shit, they're going out again? And it's not like she just went back with him immediately after, like she was still under his spell. No, she got away from him, for multiple years, went out with other guys, and she chose to get back into a relationship again. This tells me that:

Rihanna is less angry at Chris Brown than the people who didn't want him to be on the Grammys.

This doesn't make him any less of an asshole. He's definitely an asshole and a bad guy, but I don't think I should be more angry than Rihanna. She was there, I wasn't. And if she's cool enough with him to go back and suck his wiener, then I think I can be fine with watching him on a very trivial awards show. After all, he did do the time, and this is his job.

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This Video is a Staff Favorite

It's possible that only nerds will enjoy this, but maybe not. It's a scene from NCIS. I don't know if it's ever been on the Soup or anything, but it should've been. Watch:


I have so many questions about this. I mean, it's not like computers were just invented. They've been around for awhile, pretty much everyone has one.

Was this written into the script? Was it an actor adlib? Was there a director around? Did he not step in at any point and explain that keyboards don't work this way?

This was on a giant TV show. Luckily, it's on CBS, so their old audience probably assumed this is how hackers hack things.

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Yet Another New Tosh.0 Tonight

You've probably been buried underneath an avalanche of Key and Peele commercials, so let me tell you that Tosh.0 came back on the air last week. We somehow got Chris Rock to be on the show, which was pretty cool since I'm a gigantic fan. I used to do a Chris Rock impression when reading my jokes aloud, so it was kind of anticlimactic hearing him actually do it. He just doesn't have the delivery I do.

The second episode of the season is tonight, and I think it came out particularly well. There's a video chat in there with a girl that is very strange and funny. It's so interesting how people can live a perfectly normal life, look normal, seem normal, and yet still be so bizarre.

So there's my pitch. Tonight at 10pm on Comedy Central. Also, in next week's episode (a week from today), I will be appearing and I really think my acting is reaching new levels. Gosling ain't shit.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 6

I might actually be semi-excited about this episode. Why? Because of Kasey S's moan during the commercials.



Let's begin...

We are now in Panama, so you know what that means...Courtney is gonna open up her canal. Vaginas!

Here's a shock, Courtney is still talking about skinny dipping. I feel like she's just using it as a euphemism for "fuck". That has to be what she's talking about because no adult could be this impressed by swimming naked with someone.

The first one on one date is with Kacie B. Blakely responds by putting her in a sleeper hold. Seriously, she does. Even Kacie B can't believe she's getting a date at this point. She's embarrassed by it, because the other girls so clearly have not been involved in the process. Nevertheless, she busts out the hair straightener and commences Operation Don't Look Like Buckwheat.

Bachelor Copter! That thing is international. They see the canal. The real one, not Courtney's, though Ben will be seeing that later.

They go to a private island, which actually looks pretty cool. Of course, Ben takes credit for it. For some reason, they are turning this date into Cast Away. They have to survive on the island with a few items. Though I'm holding out hope some Fed Ex boxes will wash ashore.

Oh, this is because "relationships are about team work and overcoming obstacles", or something. Know what relationships aren't about? Acting for camera crews.

They show them struggling to cut coconuts down and drink from them, but then they cut to another shot and they're both drinking champagne out of glasses. Relationships are also about getting free stuff.

Later, they go to another place for dinner, and Kacie B's hair is starting to get crazy. Maybe her hair is like a chameleon cause it's starting to resemble the rat's nest Ben is sporting.

Kacie "opens up" to Ben by telling him she had an eating disorder in high school. Didn't everybody? I don't think this is what Ben meant by "opening up". I think he just wanted to hear how great he is.

Kacie gets the rose, looks into Ben's eyes, and then pukes, but I'm sure that had nothing to do with the bulimia.

Group date. Only Rachel (60 year old Cheryl Tiegs) and Blakely (Hooters VIP waitress) aren't on it, so that means they're in the double date showdown! I love that. They better hurry up, both of these ladies are seconds away from menopause.

Ben pulls up in a boat to pick up the women. Jamie describes Ben as a "man's man". I don't think a man's man would wear those nut hugging red shorts. Or maybe he would, I wouldn't know because I'm a Man's Man's Pussy.

It starts raining and Courtney is all, "I am so wet!" and touches her boobs. She really knows what she is doing.

They go into some weird tribal village where the natives demand that the women take their tops off. Or maybe not and Courtney just completely misunderstood. She starts swinging her tits around for the little boys wearing loin cloths. They could have used those pitched tents on the Cast Away island.

Ben comes out in a loin cloth in his awkward body. He's a little bulkier than he appears, but not in a good way. He notices Courtney's nipples, and says he appreciates that. Ben is not a complicated guy.

I must say once again: Casey S is very attractive. How are we not seeing more of her? Well, I guess we're about to. But still, it's bizarre that she hasn't been a bigger focal point, she must be even more boring than Ben.

Courtney shakes her boobs again and says "I've got moves they've never seen". I'm pretty sure most guys in the LA area have seen those moves.

Lyndzi gets alone time and we probably hear her speak more than she has the whole show. She gets a smooch in, and after what Ben did to Jennifer last week, it could actually be a bad sign.

The words "skinny dipping" have been said 12 times so far.

Courtney gets Ben alone and spins her magical vagina web around his brain. She tells him her room number. That's what the greats do, they learn the rules, they know the rules, and then they break the rules.

Jamie worries that she hasn't stood out enough to Ben. Honey, you haven't stood out enough to America, we don't know who you are.

Jamie gets him alone and tries to make up for lost time, while Courtney strips down into a bikini behind them. It's so funny, because Jamie is babbling a thousand words a minute, and it's so annoying. Meanwhile Courtney is bouncing around and that's all it takes. That's a lesson, ladies, less talky, more naked.

Emily gets Ben alone and tells him she has to get something off her chest: oh boy, we expect her to bust out with the Courtney trash talk. Instead, she fakes Ben out by pretending she's in love with the Chief (from the date earlier). Ben is baffled and is probably still thinking about Courtney's boobies.

For some reason, Emily goes back to the girls and apologizes to Courtney. And of course, Courtney is a total bitch about it. She's not here to make friends!

Lyndzi gets the rose on the date. I should also note that Nikki has not yet spoken this episode.

It's funny when Courtney complains about not getting the rose on dates, you're getting the dick, that's better!

But Courtney waits for Ben in her room and he doesn't show up. She starts telling us her sob story about how men always take her for granted. Well, you know, people tend to take things for granted that are easy.

2 on 1 time! 1 gets the rose, 1 goes home. Blakely or Rachel? In the real world, this wouldn't even be a contest. Rachel would stay, Blakely would go. But in Ben land, I think Blakely gets to stay.

I'll say it one more time: Rachel and Kasey S have to be 2 of the sneakiest hottest girls ever to appear on this show. Does anyone remember Matt the English guy's season? It was like monsters inc.

They go dancing. Blakely is excited because she's a stripper, I mean, whore, I mean, slut, I mean, hooker, I mean, dancer.

Rachel is mad that Blakely is using her sexuality with Ben. Yikes. No wonder you have bangs.

Rachel is also wearing an awful dress which does nothing for her, while Blakely's dress makes her look as good as she can possibly look. Yes, I'm referring to her cleavage.

They go to dinner. Ben looks frightened. I think he hates both of them.

Rachel gets Ben alone, and the darn bitch has the nerve to use her sexuality! How dare she. Ben has this habit of licking his lips right before a kiss and it's grossing me out.

During Blakely's alone time, she starts crying about not getting a one on one. I wish these girls could see what Courtney does on dates, because I think they could learn a lot.

Shit. Blakely gives Ben a book. It's a scrapbook of sorts. Is she 34 or 4? Actually, she's probably 40.

It's time for Ben to make a decision. This is strange, they didn't really draw this out like they normally do. Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, Ben just goes "Rachel, will you accept this rose?". Blakely is stunned. But she made a scrapbook!

That was a poorly produced moment. Yet something about the lack of production with it was kind of cool. It's was just cold ass shit.

Poor Blakely. That's gonna be a long plane ride back to Hooters.

Oh, they must have cut that short because of the Casey S drama to come. Or maybe they made this Casey drama because everything else is so boring. Chris comes to the hotel and asks Casey S to talk privately.

Chris: "It was brought to my attention by 3 different people that you're in love with somebody else. Michael is your boyfriend back home?" Kasey says "he's my ex-boyfriend".

Chris says that Michael claims that they're still in a relationship, and they were practically living together before she came on the show.

Oh, now that I've seen Casey speak, she's getting less attractive. She says: "maybe I need to be in therapy or something". Basically, she says that she's still in love with that guy, but she wanted to come on the show and fall for Ben but it COMPLETELY DID NOT HAPPEN.

It's obvious that she has no interest in Ben whatsoever. This has barely anything to do with that other guy. She was fine with going home.

First of all, this is bullshit. Notice that Chris didn't step in when this same situation happened with Bentley. Why? Because he was making good TV! Meanwhile, Casey wasn't saying shit. The only way to make good TV with her was to bring it up, cause Lord knows she was never going to say anything.

Funny moment: Chris brings Casey up to speak with Ben, and Ben opens the door and there are cameras in there already. And Ben acts all "shocked".

Casey sits with Ben and says "I came into this wanting to get over a guy that I was in love with who never wanted to get married". She says she's not completely over him. Chris awkwardly sits nearby as all this is going on.

Casey says "honestly" a lot. Casey starts crying about how she "should" want to be with a guy like Ben who wants to get married. Ha. Yeah, that's about all he has to offer at this point.

Ben says: "I think you should go home", and he says it like he's the one making the decision. Fuck you, buddy, that wasn't your call at all. Guess what sound Casey makes:



Let's be clear: Casey is not crying over Ben. She's crying because that Michael guy still isn't going to marry her.

Casey says "it wasn't Ben, now I have to find someone else!" like it's a horrible chore. I'm sure it's really hard for her to find guys to go out with. Well, after that crying exhibition, it might be.

Nikki's the girl who thinks that what she and Ben have is really special, with no clue about how much better it is for him with the other girls. She is going to be really sad.

Chris' hair doctor is genius.

Jamie decides it's do or die time, and I love that decision. Most women sit back and assume they're good to go. Jamie knows extreme actions are required. Thus, she straddles Ben, rips her skirt, and then makes out with him. It's very uncomfortable because it's completely not her, and also she keeps laughing when she starts kissing him because the whole thing is so ridiculous.

Jamie: "I feel like I'm sexy and pretty and whatever".

Oh my God, she's so bad at everything, and that includes whatever. She's making me hate sex.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

If Jamie is still here after this, I will start pulling a Costanza and doing the opposite of every instinct I have.

NIKKI - she might go to the final four, but that's her limit

COURTNEY - skinny dipping

EMILY - thank you

The Jamie era has finally ended. It's a travesty she lasted longer than Jennifer, or anyone else for that matter, but I'm glad it's over.

Jamie: "I've never met a guy like Ben before". Be thankful for that!

Next week: Belize. Courtney was like, there two weeks ago. She's from Belize. She once owned Belize. She was the queen of Belize but she relinquished her throne because they wouldn't let her go skinny dipping.

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Good News: 9 More Months of This!

I love how they're always telling us how not racist they are.

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The Challenge: The Rise of Leroy

Sorry, this is just a note to tell you that I can't recap the Challenge. I appreciate the requests to do it and would love to. However, I have a full time job and can't be devoting my life to writing about these stupid TV shows. Though that is my dream.

Huge upset tonight! Wes goes down in stunning fashion. He's gonna have a hard time talking shit in future challenges after his last 2 exits.

But I knew Leroy had a good chance to win after I saw him in the club lift Aneesa up over his head. That is man strength right there, because she is a monster.

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