Ben is scared that he's going to blow it and pick the wrong person. Too late, you've already picked the wrong three.
It becomes immediately clear that they do not have enough entertainment to fill out a 2 hour episode. Things start off with a 15 minute recap of the 3 girls. 15 minutes! And later, we're getting Emily. They might as well hold up a sign that says Ben Was a Huge Mistake.
At long last, Ben gets to Switzerland where he walks around, deep in thought, or whatever passes for thought with this guy. He's probably just thinking about grapes, or hair, or reminding himself to lick his lips before kissing.
First date is with Nikki, and of course, the Bachelor Copter. The girls still have to pretend to be excited when they see it, even though they've seen it for 9 episodes in a row.
They chopper up to a mountain and have a picnic on a cliff. Ben says "I hope Nikki will say yes to an overnight, because it feels like we're continuing our love story". And every good love story has that part where you have to fuck on camera.
That date was basically just a bunch of shots of them standing on top of mountains. It looked like the training sequence from Rocky IV. I expected Ben to yell "Drago!" to all of Interlaken.
Later that night, they have dinner. Nikki is going crazy with her Ben love. She's talking about moving to SF, how many kids does he want, what kind of shampoo does he use, etc.
Ben recognizes that Nikki is putting herself out there, and then speaks in sex code to us: "I want to see if we can take it to the next level, I'm a little nervous about giving her this card tonight, and I hope that she's ready for it". Ready for your dick? I don't know how anyone could be.
They go to the fantasy suite. There are candles everywhere. And there's this awkward camera shot of the bedroom, of just the bed with no one else in the shot, as if to say: this is where these two will be doing it, America.
Nikki has to be drunk. Has to be. She's rambling on about how she would be so good to Ben, and how he's "a good person, such a good person". Well, I don't blame her for getting liquored up in preparation for what's coming. If it was me I'd give myself the date rape drug.
2nd date, Lindzi time. Still can't believe she's here. They're going repelling. Maybe the producers just forced Ben to keep Lindzi around because she's the only one stupid enough to do all these "extreme sports". Or maybe Ben wants to do them with her so he doesn't have to talk more about horses.
Ben thinks being let down by a rope at about an inch per 20 seconds is "free falling". They drop down into a gorge. How awesome would it be if both of their hair got stuck in a rock, and they were trapped there for 127 hours and the only way out was to cut Ben's hair but he won't let her do it because he's stupid and gross.
In a strange moment, Ben interviews to us that he "loves Lindzi". He sort of blurted it out and said it almost as a question, the way he says most things. Lindzi calls herself the ice queen. Ben says that he's going to try and use the fantasy suite to thaw that pussy! Well, not really, but he's totally thinking it because he's never had sex with cute girls before this show.
Later that night, they go to dinner and Ben is wearing a bow tie. He probably assumes that's what people who actually operate wineries wear.
Lindzi says she puts walls up and "it sorta works for me". Yeah, it's going great so far. She gets the fantasy suite card and says: "normally I don't just go stay the night with anyone, but I...would love to." She says it like she totally wouldn't love to! Here's the face she makes:
She might have just as bad as intentions as Courtney. Lindzi is quietly not here for the right reasons, people.
Ben: "I feel like tonight Lindzi wasn't in a place to fully open up to me..." Ew.
Last and certainly least, it's Courtney time. She blabs about wanting kids and how great Ben is, just adding to her acting reel, I guess. For some reason she mentions that she feels bad about the way she treated the girls. Foreshadowing?
Then Ben brings it up to her. Why wouldn't this conversation happen before you got rid of Kacie B and before you met her family? Oh yeah, because he wanted to get her in the fantasy suite. Why ask pertinent questions when it might get in the way of another blow job?
Courtney cries that she "doesn't know if we can recover from all this stuff". All this stuff? All he said was that he was "a little concerned". Dammit, I think she's even manipulating me now.
Suddenly, their entire date is about how Courtney treated the other girls. Again, why is this only coming up between them now? Shouldn't they have talked about this before they wrote vows to each other? They truly had nothing to work with this episode, this is pathetic.
Oh, Courtney says she likes Ben because she "wants normal in her life". I guess she's sick of going out with those good looking famous guys with cool lives.
Ben is relieved to hear Courtney apologize. Dude, you've given her roses the last 3 episodes, I don't think you were that concerned about it. This is so fucking produced and fake, I hate it.
The guy who invented hot tubs is resting easy tonight.
Courtney says that Ben is the best thing that's ever happened to her. That is technically true.
And just as they're about to bang it out...
We're oddly interrupted by Emily Maynard! So weird. Someone actually thought this was good? Wow. No commercial break or anything? They just immediately cut to Emily and her kid and how lonely she is.
I agree with many of you, it feels like she missed her window. If she had done The Bachelorette immediately, it would've been a lot better. But still, at least she's appealing, which is more than we can say for the last few people on this stupid show. So I can't quibble with this choice.
Emily comes to LA so Ali and Ashley can "help" her. What the hell? Avoid those two at all costs!
Hate to say it, but Emily is looking a bit old.
The three of them get into really tight dresses, some hired paparazzi pretend to take their picture, they get in a limo, and go watch Titanic in 3D. What seamless product integration!
They talk to each other while wearing the 3D glasses and it's embarrassing. This whole thing is a really bad joke and I'm sad for all involved. Yes, even Ashley.
That whole bit was just done as a commercial for Titanic. So they can cross that off their Leap List.
Back to the show. The next morning, Ben looks out onto Switzerland, thinking about all the STDs he's just contracted, and it is good.
Then, Kacie shows up at his door, and even does a dramatic pause before knocking. Poor Kacie, first the crying in the limo, and now this. Flying all this way to look like an idiot? Maybe they had to do that Titanic ad just to pay Kacie to come back.
Kacie is there to ask him why he rejected her. Oh Kacie, no.
By the way, usually there's a couple of episodes distance between people showing up out of the blue. Kacie just left! She's back already? Why not talk to him yesterday when you were both in America? It was literally yesterday.
Ben tells her that he felt they were world's apart. Ben, in coded language, tells Kacie that he was scared of her dad and their religion.
Kacie can tell he was freaked out by her parents and tries to tell him that she makes decisions on her own. Too little, too late, Bible thumper.
Now she goes to the real reason she's here: Courtney is a monster. She tells him if he "were to choose Courtney you would get your heart broken". Ha! Yeah, dipshit, you might think you're too good for me, but she's too good for you, so deal with it.
I'm actually enjoying this because you can tell how much Ben hates it. He hates hearing trash talk and he's trying so hard not to look like an idiot. Sorry, that ship has sailed, buddy.
Afterwards, Kacie lies down on the floor of the hotel hallway "can I just have a minute?" Poor, Kacie. Poor, unloved, confused, half black, flat chested Kacie.
I have to add here: the only thing Kacie said against Courtney was that Courtney once said "if it's not Ben, there are plenty of other fish in the sea". Which, to me, is actually quite healthy. The women should think that way. You're the crazy one if you think Ben is the only guy for you.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Nikki is wearing a fucking toga. Lindzi looks the best of the three, and it's not close.
It must be so weird to stand in front of 3 girls you just had sex with. It's how I feel when I go to my girlfriend's family reunions. Hey oh!
LINDZI - I knew it was going to happen now, but I am still stunned that she is final two material. We just haven't seen much from her the entire show. I mean, there's no way in hell she's gonna win, so it's strange.
COURTNEY - no shock there.
I feel for Nikki. She's the only of the three that even likes him at all! She poured her heart out to this dude. And now, this. Brutal.
What does it say about a guy, who goes on this show, and these are the 2 girls he ends up with? I don't think there's ever been a Bachelor who picked 2 girls who were both not good and both clearly not that in like with him. What I'm trying say is, Ben is the worst.
Nikki, still wearing her toga, gets in the limo and heads over to a party at the Delta Tau Chi house.
She cries, but luckily, doesn't go all Kacie with it.
Next week: the women tell all. And by that I mean they tell all about how much of a bitch Courtney was/is.
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