Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 2

A lot of great comments after the first episode. I started to formulate a theory that they chose Ashley because she's guaranteed to marry somebody. They wanted a lock to improve their batting average, and they knew she was it. If you pick someone who is too good, they're not gonna settle down with an idiot from a reality show. If you pick an idiot however...

Anyway, second episode and we're going to...LAS VEGAS!!! Well, at least they're changing up formula and going places they've never been...

William gets the first date with Ashley in Vegas. You may recall, William is the nice guy/Richard Little of the house. He's also a cell phone salesman and 30 years old. If this first date is anything like Ashley's first date with Brad, she will immediately fall in love with him and then pretend her dental career is getting in the way.

I'm already getting the vibe that the problem with William is, "can he stop kidding around and get serious?" The answer? Yes.

I love that the mask guy is still wearing the mask and that he has no sense of humor about the mask whatsoever. He's the frog voice of the season, he's probably already writing song lyrics.

William dresses like Kanye West.

For some reason, this whole date is based on the premise that they are going to get married in Vegas. And William is "scared" that it's actually going to happen. Good Lord. The Bachelorette should never do bits. No one is buying it. This might be a Bachelor low point, and yes, I'm including the Charlie O'Connell season.

I bet Ashley isn't even the cutest dentist from Maine. And Maine's a pretty small, unattractive state with not that many dentists.

They have dinner and some slutty tourist girls yell "we love you, Ashley!". And William goes "so many women love you". And Ashley says "I hope some men love me too". Keep hoping.

William explains that he didn't go to college and is a lowly salesman, but he's always wanted to be a stand up comedian. Oh fuck me. The Bachelor is known to launch comedians, just look at Bob Guiney's career.

Then he talks about his dead dad and the fact that alcoholism runs in his family. He's the whole package, folks.

The editing in this section is poor at best, from what I can gather William's dad was a drunk and got beaten and left on the side of the road and died. I'm sure there's a lot more to that story, but it was probably entertaining so they decided not to air it.

What a coincidence, Ashley's dad is also an alcoholic! Please don't have kids, the roads are dangerous enough as it is.

I like how everyone refers to the mask guy as "Jeff the Mask".

Wanna be annoyed by something? Listen to Ashley's accent. She pronounces today "to-die" and perfect "per-fact". It's like a root canal every time I hear it.

William gets a rose, and for the first time in TV history, the Bellagio fountain is used to punctuate the moment.

When the fountains go off, Williams says "that's for us". Actually, they go off every 15 minutes.

Group date. Too many guys are going on it to name all of them. All I know is that Jeff the Mask isn't there.

Ashley says that William is "a frontrunner at this point". Yeah, he's the only guy you've gone out with so far.

They go to see the Jabbawockeez. Asian guys are the new black guys. Hey! I just realized something, this is the first time an Asian guy has ever appeared on the Bachelorette. It took the Jabbawockeez to get it done. Racism!

Any time you're watching a show and someone says "we need a name for our crew", you need to rethink your life decisions.

2 "crews" battle it out and the Jabbawockeez pick the winner. I'm not sure who wins, but I know Bentley is on the winning team. And that team gets to stay in Vegas and go on a date with Ashley, which involves a dance performance. I hate myself.

Starting to wonder if this whole thing is just Ashley's audition for Dancing with the Stars, or Rick's Cabaret. Either way, I'm not interested. But they are really trying to sell us on her being a great dancer. Yeah, it's great to hear about your dance training, but I'm here to get my wisdom teeth pulled.

Ashley gets alone with Blake and says "I see a lot of myself in you. A lot of dentists have similar personalities". Yeah, they all talk when people are in no position to talk back.

West gets alone time and reveals that his wife died. You come into the house holding that trump card and you know you're at least lasting 4 episodes. You have to give the dead wife a few roses. So I guess that's the silver lining of being a widow at 28.

It's Bentley time. He interviews to us that Ashley has a great butt and great legs, and having her "tickle my pickle" would be great. He said "tickle my pickle". For the record, I don't like it to be tickled. That's not what I'm going for when my pickle is out.

But then he adds, "she's just not my type". This guy is good. He somehow, mostly through using his daughter, has flipped it on Ashley and she begs him to stay. Seriously, begs. Even though she was already told he's there "for the wrong reasons".

Ashley gives Bentley the rose. Not the guy who broke down and told her that his wife died. Nope, the guy who wishes she was Emily.

The second one on one date is decided by the flip of a coin. On one side, it's Mickey. On the other, my pick to win the whole thing, JP. And it lands on Mickey and he gets the date.

Okay, best moment of the episode. They cut to a shot of Jeff the Mask, and he has a sleeping mask on over his regular mask! Double mask!

Do they use the coin flip gimmick throughout their date? Of course they do. And it is tiresome. Even Two Face from Batman is like "knock it off".

Ashley cheers for 5 minutes when Mickey says he's an only child. Oh great, he also has a dead mom. But Ashley says that she "saw strength in his eyes". Didn't George Bush once say that about Vladimir Putin?

Mickey is weird and boring and has nothing interesting to say. Ashley says she wants to flip a coin for the rose. If he was a man, he would've said fuck off. But instead he's like, "that's interesting". So she flips, and he gets the rose, but she claims she was going to give it to him anyway.

Ashley "surprises" Mickey with a performance by Colbie Caillat. I have no idea who that is. She looks like Taylor Dayne with Chelsea Handler's shoulders. Oh no, you know who she looks like? Penny from Lost. And this show's constant is boring.

Cocktail party. JP gets alone time, and guess what he did...flip a coin. Don't make me hate you, JP.

Earlier, I mentioned George Bush, and what do you know? William does his impression and pisses everyone off. Mostly West, but he's been in a surly mood ever since his wife died.

Finally, Jeff the Mask gets his time with Ashley. And his opener is "I once had a brain hemorhhage". And he's also divorced. And wearing mask. He's got it all. At long last, he's about to take it off, show the world his face, and then ...

Some guy interrupts. It's Matt. I have no idea why this stops him from taking off the mask, but it's television so it does. Bizarre.

I'm getting annoyed by Bentley. I enjoy his hating on Ashley, but he's really overdoing it. He's clearly trying to be all Wes with it, and it would be much better if he were a little conflicted. In short, he's trying too hard.

Ashley essentially says that the only reason she has concerns about Bentley is because her friend told her he has no interest in her whatsoever. Well if that's the only reason, then it should be fine.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

WEST - dead wife, works like a charm

CONSTANTINE - didn't say much

RYAN P. - is still gay

BEN C. - didn't have a date, but is a plucky young go getter

NICK - I hate his fake blonde hair and soul patch

AMES - will be gone next week

LUCAS - is so old it's weird, he looks like somebody's uncle who is in the military

JEFF THE MASK - the mask lives! It's working, go get your other mask, double mask it!

JP - he's winning this, why doesn't Vegas have odds?

CHRIS - he looks a lot like Ben C.

BEN F. - I often confuse his hair with Constantine's

BLAKE - dental love

Man, it really feels like there are plants this season. Jeff the mask? He's just like fangs girl. Bentley? That's Michelle. They're just filling slots at this point.

I am usually not a hater. Hell, I do this every season. But I have to say, this was an awful episode. And the 2 hour running time is not helping matters. I hope things pick up...

And just as I write that, they tease next and show a roast of Ashley! And the joke they show is William saying "I signed up hoping it was going to be Emily or Chantal". And it makes Ashley cry. Also making Ashley cry, Bentley.

Also, the mask guy swims with his mask! And vacuums.

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Friday Mailbag

Thanks for your questions...

Chris said...

Please explore the possibility that Michelle Money is Bentley's baby mama.

And what, no commentary on the Arnold debacle (or did I miss it)?

Two excellent subjects. First, we do have to assume that Michelle is the girl who ratted out Bentley to Ashley. She is friends with Ashley, and she (supposedly) lives in Utah where Bentley lives. It just makes too much sense.

Baby mama? Well, I love that theory so I'm just going to believe it. They're both single parents, they're both pure evil, it needs to be true.

As for Arnold...

I don't want to take the blame away from him, he is obviously completely at fault and a dirt bag. But come on, Maria, really? I mean, isn't on her a little bit?

On The Real World, there's this girl Nani who loves this guy Adam, despite the fact that every time he goes out he gets black out drunk and starts punching anything that's in front of him. Not only that, the next morning he feels no regrets about it and openly admits he will do it again. And yet, Nani is fine with it. So the next time this happens and Adam cheats on her or punches her (which almost already happened), yes, it's Adam's fault, but Nani isn't exactly an innocent victim. And that's Maria to me.

There was a huge LA Times story about Arnold messing with women, with like 15 women telling their stories. One or two girls you could dismiss, but 15? Come on. Everyone knew. Maybe they didn't know about whole separate families with ugly women, but you had to know he was cheating left and right. So save the pity party. You married him, and it's pretty well documented that he's always been like this.

Anonymous said...

Is Rihanna hot? I can't tell. Sometimes I think yes, then forehead and legs correct me...

Rihanna is not hot. She has a pretty good face, but she's got the crazy forehead, she doesn't know what to do with her hair, and she is a big girl who is only getting bigger. This does not end well for Rihanna. In 10 years she's gonna look like Karl Malone.

Anna Palmer said...

Summer TV watching plans? Must Miss, Maybe, and mmmI'm in?

Easy question. There is one TV show I'm looking forward to more than any other. It's not even close. I'm so excited for it, I've been telling everyone in the office they must watch it so we can discuss it. It is:

The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Rivals.



It is going to be fantastic. They are pairing up the people who hate each other, hence "Rivals". So huge enemies are going to have to be on the same team working together.

And even better, CT is involved. CT is a fucking psycho. The man should be in a prison somewhere, and probably will be soon. He's the scary gentleman in the hat threatening to murder people in the clip above.

Also, my man crush Kenny is in it. Kenny might be the greatest reality star no one knows about. He's handsome, he's hilarious, he's a badass, just a dreamy man. You will not be disappointed, please trust me on this.

Anonymous said...

More Hollywood comedy of errors and near-misses!

I promise I'm working on future failures! I've got irons in the fire!

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Any Questions/Requests?

Sorry, I've got nothing this week. It's been busy, we just taped episode 3 to air Tuesday. The live audience was insane, one of the best we've ever had. I asked if we could just get them to come to every show, but to no avail. They were laughing harder on the second take, it was bizarre.

Live audiences for comedy shows are weird. It's almost irrelevant how good/bad the show is, they're either there to laugh or they aren't. We've had shows that I thought were really good and the audience was dead. And shows that I didn't think were our finest that they went crazy for. There's some weird chemistry involved in getting a bunch of strangers in a room to watch videos of people getting hit in the balls.

We're in the middle of doing 11 and that's when things are the craziest. I can't fathom Oprah doing 25 years of an hour long show, 5 days a week. That's ridiculous. I would've gotten out as soon as I made the first billion.

I've worked on a show that's daily just once, and very briefly. It was not fun. Weekly is more my style, and even then it's a grind. I pat myself on the back every time we tape an episode, and then can't fathom the prospect of having to do it again next week. One is enough!

But now Oprah is off to Montecito and living the good life with Stedmon. Wink, wink.

Anyway, enough whining. The point is, the show has taking up all of my "good" ideas. So if anyone has any questions or topics, I'd love to answer them cause I'm all out.

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The Bachelorette No One Wanted

Oh man, I do not want to be doing this. I'd be feeling so good about things if I was settling in right now to watch one of the Schantawlles. Or even better, if Brad and Emily would just admit they've never been a couple and she was the Bachelorette. But no, it's Ashley, the Bachelorette no one wanted but we are getting anyway.

First, there's a montage reintroducing us to Ashley. They show her in dance class, and it's like they are begging us to think she's attractive. It ends with her running up some steps like Rocky. Only one problem: Rocky didn't have bangs.

They also give us a mini preview, and one of the Bachelors seems to hate Ashley. Then he says "I'd feel better if the Bachelorette was Emily". Join the club, guy.

They "pre"introduce us to a few of the guys before the limo perp walk. One of the fellas is Ryan, who is a "Solar Energy Executive", and to prove it, he walks around some solar cells holding blue prints.

There's also Bentley. He has a daughter named Cozy. Oh Lord. He's the dude who's going to be the villain because he secretly hates Ashley. Me and Bentley going to get along just fine.

And then we meet Anthony, who is from New York and a butcher. He's also a stereotype.

Shit. There's a guy with a dead wife. I'm guessing we're gonna be hearing about that constantly. But how perfect would he have been for Emily?!!

Another guy has a dead alcoholic dad. I'm sure that won't come up later.

Finally, it's limo time. Ashley is wearing a dress that is supposed to show cleavage, but instead shows a Donna Martin-esque hole in her chest. That plus bangs equals boner murder.

Ashley tells Chris that someone already called her and told her that a guy named Bentley was coming on the show for "the wrong reasons". So she already knows, bummer. Of course, there's a strong chance that there will be multiple Bentleys.

Here we go:

RYAN, 31. The solar energy guy. He's first out of the limo so they obviously think highly of him. Where are his prop blueprints?

JON, 26. An e-commerce executive, so he's unemployed. He picks Ashley up and carries her away. Gimmicks!

LUCAS, 30. From Texas. He looks 40.

WILLIAM, 30. It says he's a "Cell Phone Salesman". My friend used to sell cell phones...when he was 22.

MICKEY, 31. A chef. He walks up to her and tries to make out with her. I'm not kidding.

TIM, 35. A liquor distributor. Jesus Christ, we are the same age?! Holy God, he looks like crap. I'm depressed.

BEN, 28. A lawyer from New York. He speaks French to her. Not sure what he said, but I assume it was something about tort reform.

STEPHEN, 27. A hairstylist from Manhattan Beach. His hair is ridiculous, and he looks like Jason Schwartzman. What's up with your nose? I got punched in the face what's your excuse?

CHRIS D., 25. He reads a poem he wrote. He's gonna get the "too young" label.

WEST, 30. Another lawyer. And let the weird names begin. Jesus, baby boomers, you didn't do us any favors, did you? Oh yeah, he's the guy with the dead wife.

ANTHONY, 28. The butcher. He's horrible to look at, let's hope the baker and the candlestick maker are better.

ROB, 27. He's a dork.

AMES, 31. Gay.

MATT, 28. He sells office supplies. His gimmick is teaching Ashley a handshake. I guess this is the closest we're gonna get to a black person tonight.

JEFF, 35. He is wearing a mask. He tells her that he wants to "take his face out of the game". He's gonna wear the mask all night. Anyone who does that is obviously ugly.

BEN F., 28. He's also unemployed, but says he's a "winemaker". He seems all right.

FRANK, 29. He also lifts her up. Uh, someone already did that, pal.

MICHAEL, 29. He's got an opener: "This is the first time I've been excited to see a dentist". Okay, okay.

CHRIS M., 27. He's from Canada, with a crazy Canadian accent.

RYAN M., 27. I cannot tell the difference between him and the other Ryan. He brought a camera and makes her take pictures. I hope he's aware that this is being filmed.

JP, 34. Feels like the editing is pushing him as a guy to watch. He's got a shaved head and says he brought no props to impress her. That's not bad in my book.

NICK, 26. A personal trainer from Florida. He also reads a poem. God I hate him and his frosted tips.

BLAKE, 27. A fellow dentist. He chooses not to reveal that off the bat, and I respect him for it.

BENTLEY, 28. The vaunted Bentley. It says he's a "businessman". Ashley isn't going to give away that she "knows". Let the games begin.

CONSTANTINE, 30. A restaurant owner. He kinda looks like the wine guy. He brought floss. I'm pretty sure no one who has ever "won" this show has ever done garbage like this. When you're someone like Brad, your gimmick is your dreamy pecs.

And those are the guys. I have to say they seem a lot better than in Ali's season. Those dudes were awful. Well, except for Frog Voice.

Ryan the Solar Guy immediately steals Ashley away for some alone time. He tells her "out of everyone it could potentially be, I'm so excited that you're here". That was one of Ashley's biggest fears. I love that she knew that everyone wanted it to be someone else.

I'm getting a major gay vibe from this guy. He's a complete closet case, I look forward to making fun of him as we go forward. Ashley calls him the whole package, he's definitely here for the right reasons, if the right reasons are cock.

The wine guy is next. He admits that he has some shitty internet job, and does the winery "part time". Saw that coming from a mile away, but then, I'm a veteran.

Next up is Matt. In a set up bit, they call his mom. And just when I think it's a lame move, the mom pulls out a zinger. She goes "when you forego your individual rooms for the fantasy suite...". I love the Bachelor knowledge, she quoted it word for word, and told Ashley to make sure they use protection. Her protection is her bangs.

Guitar time. Another curveball! A guy pulls out a guitar, gets Ashley alone, and then tosses the guitar in the pool and says he doesn't play. Oh man, I like that people are finally admitting they watch this show all the time and fuck with the format. That only took 20 seasons.

Tim the asshole New Yorker with the annoying accent is "creeped" out by the mask guy. Speaking of that, I prefer "The Mask" to "Mask", cause Stoltz creeped me out.

Ashley gets some alone time with Tim and he can't talk. I guess he's drunk. He probably had to drink to sooth his nerves from being around the mask guy. Also, his occupation is "liquor distributor". He really takes his work home with him.

Damn, he is hammered. Some guy says this about Tim "if you can't take the heat, get out of the oven". What the hell is that guy doing hanging out in ovens?!

Tim passes out and is snoring. They send Ashley over to laugh at him.

Then she brings all the other guys over so she can eliminate him. They carry him outside and put him in a mini van. He's not even limo worthy! What an insult.

Jeff the Mask Guy finally gets his moment. He says that he's doing it because what's on the outside isn't important, but really he wants to stand out and be different. In an interview to us, Ashley says "it's not just a gimmick to get my attention". Really? Cause he kinda just said it was.

JP looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt if Joseph Gordon Levitt had human ears.

Ashley talks to Bentley, and even though she knows why he's here, he lies to her face and she believes every word. Women!

The first impression rose goes to...

Ryan the gay guy. Women!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

The front runners at this point are JP and William.

JEFF THE MASK GUY - first choice! You see, cause it's not all about looks for Ashley...until episode 2.

CONSTANTINE - Isn't that an awful Keanu Reeves movie?

BEN F. - The not really a wine guy.

CHRIS - The guy who looks 10 years older than everyone else.

STEPHEN - The not really Jason Schwartzman guy.

MATT - The alive yet funny mom guy.

NICK - The personal trainer.

CHRIS D. - Too young, but okay for now.

OTHER RYAN - At least he's straight.

BLAKE - I have no memory of him.

MICKEY - Isn't he the guy who tried to make out with her and she recoiled in horror? Even she's forgetting who these guys are at this point.

BEN C. - Square face.

WEST - You know what that means...dead wife stories next week.

WILLIAM - A strong dark horse contender.

JP - Yep.

AMES - Ryan is so gay that I forgot about this gay guy.

BENTLEY - The previews gave this one away, so there was no drama for this choice. Nice job, producers.

No big surprises. Anthony the Stereotype got the axe, but he seemed like a weirdo. He says "I've been single for 7 years". Weird, I thought women would be clamoring for a strange butcher.

Coming up this season...

They're going to Vegas, Thailand, Taiwan...this show is turning into the Amazing Race. Where's Phil?

The guy in the mask shits with his mask on. I love that they got that shot.

Oh, and there's the standard "ambulance" b-roll.

And of course, there's lots and lots of crying. I really hope this plays out as they're advertising and Bentley fools Ashley and then crushes her. Because she was completely warned and knew it was coming, so it's all on her.

But we'll see, hope you're on board with me, or else I will be happy to jump ship...

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Advice to Young Writers: Shut the Hell Up

Recently, I've been reading a lot of screenwriting blogs. Many of them remind me of me when I was younger, with this fantasy that they are going to be cranking out scripts at home and sending them in, and then movies are going to get made. For most, that doesn't happen. For a lucky few, it does, but even for them, that fantasy does not match the reality.

The reality of a writing career, much to my chagrin, is not writing at all. It's pitching. It's talking. It's meeting. It's saying ideas out loud to people. There is some writing, but it seems like there is even more of that other awful crap.

And that's kind of a bummer, at least for me. I got into this business because I wanted to be a hermit. That was my dream. To never go outside ever again. To be holed up in my room, watching The Hub, playing basketball in my dining room in an animal free environment. I wanted to be left alone, but since God has a sick sense of humor, the exact opposite happened (well, except for the basketball in the living room part. As you know, that came true).

All I do is interact with people all day long. I sit in a shitty office with shittier dogs yapping at my feet wanting a bite of my God Damn lunch. I never get to go home. I watch more TV than anyone I know, and it's still not even close to enough. I have to take notes from 28 year olds whose main qualification is getting some asshole coffee for the last 2 years. I am never left alone. But that, for most of us lucky enough to get gigs, is the job.

It really is a shame too, because most writers are bad at talking. They are terrible at human interaction, or knowing when to pitch or what to pitch. And that is my lesson for today.

'Tis better to pitch 1 good thing, then to pitch 3 good things wrapped in 20 crappy things

I hung out with a friend of mine recently who is a sitcom writer, and he brought up the point that many times young writers don't understand that not pitching can be way better than pitching.

I've made an entire career out of not talking that much. I seem a lot smarter and funnier by not saying every stupid thought that comes into my brain. If I did, I'd be exposed as the fraud that I am (that all of us are). I pretty much only pitch something when I know I've got the one that is going on television. And that presents the illusion that I know what I'm talking about.

If anything, I should really talk more. But I'd rather take a few swings and hit .400, then get a million at bats and hit below the Mendoza line.

There are always gonna be times when a line is needed - whether it be on sitcoms, or the kinds of shows I write on, or even movies. "We need something here". That's when the writers gather, and that's when you want to be the comedy genius for the next 5 seconds until another line is needed.

What you don't want is silence, so it's okay to throw something out to get the ball rolling. It's even better when someone else does it, and then you fix their bad joke and make it your own. But you don't want to spit out a bunch of things because time is usually of the essence. There's a limit to the amount of dumb things the room can here before the whole thing is spoiled and even a good joke won't seem acceptable.

Also, don't pitch things that can't be produced. I worked with one guy who would pitch hilarious things that could only be done on a $100 million dollar budget. "How about if a genie flies in and grants them 3 whores". That might be funny, but it's completely unhelpful cause we can't actually do it.

Most importantly, what I can't stand are writers who think that every thought they have deserves to be heard. That is the worst. It only makes your executive producer or talent angry. You think you have so many ideas and jokes that you're impressing everybody. But they think less of you, not more. You'd rather have them thinking, "that person doesn't talk a lot, but when they do it's something I can use". You definitely don't want them thinking, "when they talk, it's almost always a waste of my time".

Even the smartest, funniest guy in the room has bad ideas sometimes. Everyone. I've been in rooms with brilliant motherfuckers, and they say things that stop the room cold because they are just bad. But that's the process. Just don't make a habit of it.

Just remember that not everything you say is funny or good. Please stop and think about what you have before you share it with the rest of us, because there is a very good possibility that it sucks.

"But what if I don't know what they'll like and what they'll hate?" Well, then there's probably an opening in the plumbing supply business for you.

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Tosh Returns Tonight at Ten

Well, we are back for 10 summer episodes. Tonight you will find out what Daniel's new wardrobe is, and I have to say, it's pretty spectacular. And also, we finally talk to this dude...

Tosh.0
Tags: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

There is a celebrity component in this redemption, and meeting them fulfilled one of my childhood dreams. In fact, I told them about the first time I ever saw them and creeped them out a little, so that was fun.

Actually, now that I think about it, there is another one of my heroes on this episode, a celebrity packed show! Hope you enjoy it, cause usually famous people say no to us, so this might be it for the rest of the year. The only way we can get people to come on is if we allow them to punch Daniel in the face.

Tosh.0
Tags: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

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An Overnight Success UPDATE

In my last Overnight Success story post, I told you about a feature script I wrote about some buddies ordering a Russian mail order bride. Here's what I wrote:

...while walking the picket line during the writer's strike, I had another feature idea:

"Mail Order Bride"

LOGLINE:

Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are best friends until Michael Cera's girlfriend comes along. Left out and alone and drunk, Jonah Hill orders a smoking hot mail order bride from Russia and he and Michael Cera both fall in love with her. But she's not what she seems...

Let me be honest: this script is good. Lots of jokes. Pretty good story. I was proud of it. People liked it. I think my manager might have even liked it. Well, he didn't do anything with it, but he did hook me up with an agent.

I met with the agent, and surprisingly enough, loved him. He was at a smaller agency, and the place seemed more my style. Plus, he brought in a feature agent to talk to me too. Even better, they loved "Mail Order Bride"! Thank God.

I decided to sign with them. They gave me notes on the script and I rewrote it. Then, together with my manager (supposedly), sent it around to various feature companies.

Coincidentally, on Friday this was reported on deadline.com:

EXCLUSIVE: 20th Century Fox has acquired the spec From Mia With Love, a John Hughes-style comedy written by Seth Grahame-Smith, David Katzenberg, Bryan Shukoff and Kevin Chesley. Katzenberg will direct, and he and Grahame-Smith will produce under their Katsmith Productions banner.

The coming-of-age comedy is a mix of Risky Business and Weird Science. Some plot elements could change, but the pitched premise had three guys so desperate to lose their virginity that they order up a Russian mail-order bride, figuring they can send her back. She is smoking hot but arrives with baggage and no plans to bed the lads, though she helps the trio become more suitable mating material.

Wow, apparently all Russian mail order brides are "smoking hot".

So that was a fun Friday for me, but I harbor no ill will. I'm sure David KATZENBERG is a plucky young fella, similar to myself, just making his way up the Hollywood ladder on talent and talent alone. It's crazy though, such similar ideas. I just don't understand what David KATZENBERG has that I don't.

I can't figure it out, I mean, I'm Irwin Handleman, he's David KATZENBERG, I don't know what it could be. I'm sure David KATZENBERG has lots of great credits, especially writing and directing things. At least I think he must. I know I've heard the name KATZENBERG before.

Oh well, another one bites the dust. I'll live to fight another day. I just hope that my next idea isn't similar to anything Larry Spielberg is writing.

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10 Things I'd Like to Do Over Again

It's probably a terrible idea to introduce another ongoing series, but screw it, here goes...

This is a list of 10 things that I would like to go back and do over again. Some are missed opportunities, a few are unfortunate accidents, and others involve almost everything that happened in the "Over Night Success Story" posts. It's just stuff that would be nice to go back and change to create a different outcome.

10. The Tahiti Incident

When I was 13 years old, my grandparents decided it would be a great idea to take their 3 children, and all of their children's children to Club Med in Tahiti.

This may seem like a good thing, but just imagine spending Thanksgiving with everyone in your extended family, only Thanksgiving lasts 8 days on an island with nothing to do.

It's worth noting that in the years since this trip, my grandparents refuse to have anything to do with me or my sisters or my parents. They literally have not uttered my name in the last 10 years. So that might give you an idea of how well we all get along. But that's a glorious story for another day.

At this point, we were still talking. And we had to go, I guess. When you're 13 you don't really have a choice in these matters.

Anyway, Tahiti was beautiful. Although the 9 hour flight, and the 30 minute "puddle jump" on John F. Kennedy Jr.'s plane was my version of hell. But once you're there, the water is nice.

We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into with this Club Med. Or at least I didn't. You see, it's all about activities! They want you to do stuff! Reading on the beach? Are you out of your mind? Get up, we're having a dance competition! Now it's relay race time! Oh, so many activities. All led by a cheery, annoyingly hyper man with a zinc nose and a straw hat named STEVE. I say STEVE, because that's how he says his name. All loud and happy and shit.

Unfortunately, my sisters and I don't like to do things. We like our leisure time to involve actual leisure. Seems crazy, I know. Club Med wasn't for us. If there was a Club Med for people who like to make fun of the people at the real Club Med, that would've been our spot.

One day I was trying to mind my own business, when STEVE comes around and starts yelling about a coconut throwing contest. I just had to be in the coconut throwing contest! "Everyone was doing it", he said. I'm not sure why I would succumb to peer pressure from a guy with such poor taste in careers, but it felt like I had no choice.

Very sadly, my Dad and I got off our beach chairs to go stand in line to throw God Damn coconuts. Trudging over to that line, we might as well have been walking to a "relocation" train in 1939 Berlin, we were that sad about it.

So we're standing there among the palm trees, waiting to throw, when suddenly, shockingly, my arm goes numb.

I was in pain. Real pain. Not the kind that makes you scream and yell and hold your arm, but the kind that makes you immediately want to puke.

I looked over, and a coconut was rolling away from me.

I looked up at my dad, and weakly let out a "dad?!". He looked down, and I could see on his face that he could see that something was seriously wrong with me. I had gone white.

I slumped down onto my knees, then my butt.

What had happened?

A coconut fell from one of the palm trees, about 80 feet up, right on my arm.

I was rushed to the Club Med Doctor, who pronounced that I was in shock, but I'd live.

If you think that's funny, I have a statistic for you: falling coconuts kill 150 people a year! That's more than shark attacks. Spielberg should be making a movie about coconuts, the silent killer. Just when you thought it was safe to go near the palm trees...

I eventually shook it off, but the fear never went away. Needless to say I steered clear of those trees for the rest of the trip, no matter what contest STEVE cooked up.

Ever since the incident, anytime I am in the vicinity of palm trees with my family, hysterical laughing breaks out. They think it's the greatest thing that ever happened.

Years later while I was in college, I was riding my bike innocently down the street. Suddenly, I heard a loud THUD. I looked back, and just to my left a coconut had fallen. Seal Team 6 is to Bin Laden as coconuts are to me.

So if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have gone to Tahiti, or at the very least, I would've told STEVE to go fuck himself.

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Deleted Post???

My last post about Tahiti got mysteriously deleted. I can't seem to recover it and have no idea what happened. If anyone has it on their computer somehow or knows how to bring it back from the dead, please let me know.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and learn how these things work and see if I can get it back. All of these options seem much better to me than trying to write it again.

Thanks.

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Let Joke Stealing Go

I was first introduced to the world of "joke stealing accusations" several years ago. It was not fun. I've never been accused of it, but people I've known have. Once the charge is leveled, it's very difficult to disprove it, and both parties come off looking bad.

As time has gone by, I've realized that it is a fruitless endeavor. Yes, there are people who steal jokes. Yes, it is wrong and really shitty. But no, there isn't much to be done about it.

Why?

Because in most cases it isn't stealing, it's just people having similar ideas. And it's not going to stop, it's going to keep getting worse.

30 years ago, there were 3 networks. If Johnny Carson did a bit, you should be expected to know about it and not do the same thing. There just wasn't a lot of stuff being made.

But now? Between the big networks, Leno, Letterman, Fallon, Kimmel, the little networks, Stewart, Conan, Colbert, twitter, funnyordie, the rest of the internet...it's impossible. You simply cannot know every joke that has been done.

And going along with the fact that there are so many more things, there are that many more jokes and bits being done. Overlap will and does occur.

You'd be surprised how much time is spent in the writer's room making sure things haven't been done before. No one wants to be unoriginal, no one wants to do jokes that have already been done. The fun part about doing a show is coming up with funny things, not seeing things that are funny and copying it.

A few weeks ago, after President Obama showed his birth certificate to Donald Trump and the other racists, The Onion's headline was: "Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta."

A fine joke. But then Bill Maher went on twitter and wrote: "I see The Onion stole my placenta joke that I did in Feb 2010 HBO special"

Wow. Okay. I've never heard of The Onion being accused of stealing in the past. It also seemed a bit presumptuous that everyone has seen that HBO special.

Well, it turns out that The Onion headline was actually a link to something they wrote in August of 2009. Apparently The Onion recycles its content when news stories pop again. They actually did the joke 6 months before Bill did!

Does this mean that Bill stole from The Onion? Of course not. Just like it was dumb to think they stole from him. It happens all the time. In fact, just to show how ridiculous the whole thing is, The Daily Show ended up doing the exact same joke, and Rupaul tweeted it a variation of it as well.

Bill Maher should've done what all comedians should do when it comes to this shit: shut the hell up. Let your work speak for itself. The hacks will fade, the talented will succeed.

This whole episode was very interesting to us at our show. Because last year, we wrote a line: "Life starts at the erection". And then 2 months later, Bill Maher said "Life starts at the erection". Did we say anything? No. It was a coincidence, and we knew it, and we moved on.

So to sum up: a lot of people are writing jokes for TV, many of them are the same, a lot of jokes involve dicks, you shouldn't go around accusing people of stealing jokes especially if it's an isolated incident, and Bill Maher steals jokes.

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I Put a Basketball Hoop in My Dining Room

Some dreams do come true.

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Chapter 10: A New Member of Team Handleman

I had just fired Blumberg, and I was on my own. There was no Team Handleman. Luckily, I still had my gig at Comedy Central, and it was going pretty well. We were actually the highest rated show on the network, despite the fact that they were embarrassed of us.

And sadly, this is when real bitterness set in for me. All I ever wanted was to be wanted, and here I was, writing on a hit show, and no agent wanted me. I didn't understand it. Especially because I watched as writers who had never written on a show that made it on the air in their entire lives were selling pilots every year.

Plus, I wasn't even asking to sell a pilot, though that would've been great, I just wanted an agent. I was a writer making money. There's a lot of writers who have agents who don't make any money. Again, this seems crazy. I was offering 10% of a weekly salary and they would barely have to do anything. Who turns that deal down?

But whatever. I pressed on.

While working on my staff job, I was still writing tons of other stuff. I had optioned "Wife is Beautiful" to Lionsgate and was hopeful. But after 6 months, nothing had happened. Then they came back to me, filled with confidence, and paid me a bunch more money to option it again. Nothing ever happened.

And now a word about "TV specs":

As a writer who wants to work, you have to keep writing specs. These can be scripts of shows that are currently on the air, or original pilots. I had written both. Of course, Blumberg couldn't be bothered to read them so nothing ever came of the many I'd written.

There's also another kind of spec that people write, and that's the "gimmick spec". That's where someone will write an original episode of "Family Ties", or an episode of "Two and a Half Men" where Charlie Sheen's character stabs Alan or gets addicted to crack. In other words, it's something that would never be on TV, but it's funny and a little more creative.

I think of this kind of spec as cheating. Anyone can do this nonsense. The hard thing to do is write a real episode of "Two and a Half Men" and make that funny and original. That takes talent! It's easy to step outside CBS and make a crazy episode that doesn't have to conform to the restrictions of TV.

But as time went on, assholes kept getting work off this bullshit. So I decided, if you can't beat them, join them. And I wrote a gimmick spec.

Aaron Sorkin's "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" had just started up. Thus, I wrote a spec called "Studio 69 on her Landing Strip", which was the porn version of that show.

I sent it to a friend to read. Unbeknownst to me, he gave it to a manager at Brillstein Entertainment. The manager loved it, and called me in.

We had a meeting. I actually already knew the guy, and despite the fact that he was very familiar with my work on Mencia, it was this dumb porn script I wrote in 2 seconds that inspired him to want to sign me. Seeing as how I had no other options, and really wanted to get out into the world, I signed on.

He got off to a slow start. He did negotiate my deal for Mencia, which was a good one. But there were not a lot of meetings. Okay, there were none. But I had an idea. It was a TV pilot, I pitched it to him:

"Becoming a Hero"

LOGLINE:

A high school kid, tired of being bullied, decides to start training to make himself into a real superhero.

I quickly wrote the script, and really thought I had something with it. He read it, and politely put it in a drawer and I never heard about it again. No notes, no nothing. It just didn't exist anymore.

This was in 2006. You may recall that in 2010, a movie came out called "Kick Ass" with exactly the same premise of my show. They are practically identical. But for whatever reason, this idea didn't "spark" to him.

By the way, when I heard about that movie, I barely resisted the temptation to stab myself in the eye.

Then I made a major life decision. I decided that the one thing I wanted to do, the one non-scripted show that would make me happy would be a sports version of "The Soup". And I knew that Norm MacDonald would be the perfect host.

I pitched it to him at a Chinese Restaurant - I fucking hate Chinese food, but these are the lies I put myself through so I won't bother people. He, famously, nixed the idea and told me to try politics.

I told this story in detail here. Now that exact show is doing well on Comedy Central. Thanks!

I brushed that off and pitched him my next feature idea:

"Boy Breaks Into Rehab to Meet Girl"

LOGLINE:

An average shlub with a dead end job and no girlfriend decides to break into rehab to meet a famous actress - a Lindsay Lohan type - and win her love.

He sorta liked it, but not really, and I went off and wrote it anyway. I finished it in the beginning of summer, and he gave it to this script reading kid that he made read stuff. It didn't seem like he read anything himself. Basically, whatever this 23 year old who had never done anything in his life said, was law.

So this kid, who I didn't know, gave me a bunch of notes. Fine. I went and addressed them, and rewrote it.

After a few weeks, my manager finally called me at the end of summer, and said simply, "You didn't get it".

"You didn't get it"

That was it. That was his code for, the script still sucks and I'm not going to give you anymore notes or make that kid read it another time. We never spoke of it again.

Now, at this point you're probably thinking, "maybe you just suck". I agree. That is definitely a strong possibility. I would not deny that. If I had written better stuff, everything probably would've been great.

However, in my defense, before I signed with this manager, I had no representation in the feature world. And the 3 previous scripts I wrote, again, with no one helping me, resulted in:

Script 1: "Putz" - optioned twice.

Script 2: "Wife is Beautiful" - optioned twice

Script 3: "In the Mix" - sold and produced

Those are pretty good results. So you're telling me now all of the sudden I'm so bad that this manager, my manager, can't even send it to a few companies for feedback? That seems a little harsh.

Plus, he didn't get me any meetings or job opportunities at other TV sketch shows, which I was well qualified for.

Until he did.

The difference between agents and managers is that managers can be producers on things, agents cannot. And my manager was producing a show for Spike TV. He convinced the temperamental, older host - who in the past only worked with "his" writers - to also hire a couple of new writers.

I was one of the new writers he hired. The other was my manager's friend. An older guy who hadn't written on anything in years, and from all appearances, was troubled. Apparently, my manager was doing him a favor by throwing some work his way because he needed the cash.

And then this happened. If you haven't read this story, please do. It's one of my favorites. Just an amazing experience.

So the one job he got me was a complete debacle that he was responsible for screwing up.

Looking back, I really have no idea how I kept writing when I was virtually assured of failure. But I did. And while walking the picket line during the writer's strike, I had another feature idea:

"Mail Order Bride"

LOGLINE:

Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are best friends until Michael Cera's girlfriend comes along. Left out and alone and drunk, Jonah Hill orders a smoking hot mail order bride from Russia and he and Michael Cera both fall in love with her. But she's not what she seems...

Let me be honest: this script is good. Lots of jokes. Pretty good story. I was proud of it. People liked it. I think my manager might have even liked it. Well, he didn't do anything with it, but he did hook me up with an agent.

I met with the agent, and surprisingly enough, loved him. He was at a smaller agency, and the place seemed more my style. Plus, he brought in a feature agent to talk to me too. Even better, they loved "Mail Order Bride"! Thank God.

I decided to sign with them. They gave me notes on the script and I rewrote it. Then, together with my manager (supposedly), sent it around to various feature companies.

I got a lot of polite "nos". But I'll tell you what, I was happy. I only wanted my script to be read by these people, it's all you can ask for, really. It was exactly what my manager hadn't been doing. But at least I didn't get rejected before I was rejected. I considered this a success.

Honestly, if I could be assured that everything I wrote would be seen by potential buyers, I wouldn't be fantasizing about stabbing myself in the eye.

After this, I got inspired by "Rescue Me" and "Friday Night Lights" and Bill O'Reilly and decided to write a one hour dramedy for cable.

"Talking Points"

LOGLINE:

An over the top, hooker loving conservative radio host who is adored by many, and hated by many more, secretly roots for Obama to win the 2008 Presidential election so he can have more material for his show.

I sent it to my new agent, he went crazy for it. He had no notes. He said "you have found your voice!"

I sent it to my manager, he had notes. Well, he just didn't like it.

My agent went to work trying to sell it. My manager did nothing.

Many months went by, and I hadn't heard from my manager. Finally, I called him and told him we needed to have lunch. My plan was to give him a stern talking to. I had no intention of firing him, I just wanted to light a fire under his ass to start working for me. That is their job, right?

We met for a meal on Pico Blvd. I told him I thought he wasn't doing anything for me, that it didn't seem like he was interested.

He apologized, said he was getting consumed with a show he was producing. But then he added: "I don't think your writing is very good. It's too...predictable".

I was blown away. WHAT?! I tell him about how much my agent loves the script, and how I'm getting all these meetings about it - more meetings than I've ever had in my life, and people are really into it and quoting lines from it, and how a production company wants to buy it and attach a big name actor, etc. He just shrugs his shoulders, "meh, it's not for me, I guess".

I took a deep breath and said "well, if this is how you feel, then I guess there's no need to continue this relationship. It's over".

But then he tried to save it! He's like, "no, no, it doesn't have to be like that. Let's keep working together, and see..."

I'm like, you think my writing sucks, dude. What's the point?

We kind of left it at that, I didn't explicitly say "you're fired". But I never spoke to him again.

Team Handleman was back down to one. Fortunately, he was the only one I needed. Because I've been with the agent ever since, and he's been exactly how I always wanted an agent to be. He reads stuff! He calls me back! He sets meetings! He believes in me! It's very strange.

So it all worked out in the end, I guess. But I regret those wasted years. That's what happens when you're working from a position of weakness. I took the first manager who came my way. I was desperate, and that desperation led to being around bad people.

I think it's better in this business to think you're God's gift, soon enough, people will believe it. Just look at Chelsea Handler.

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Witnessed a Mass Killing Today

I came to work today, and noticed a crowd gathering across the street. They stood together outside of a large building. Then I went into our writer's room, which has a large window that looks out across the street to where they were standing.

I could see that there was a banner up. It read: "Meet Your State Senator..."

Seemed a little weird. First of all, why would they be meeting their state senator outside that building? And also, why would that many people care about meeting their state senator?

I went back to my chair. And then suddenly, out of nowhere...

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

Gunshots.

I look out, the crowd is running for their lives! Jesus!

But then they stop. Walk back to where they were. And a few minutes later...BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM

More gunshots.

That's when we figured it out, it's fucking Law & Order: Los Angeles. And they're filming the "Gabrielle Giffords" episode.

Here's a bad picture I took after the shooting stopped and the "ambulances" arrived.


I've never been a big Law and Order fan. In fact, I hate that show. Really? They just take stuff that actually happened and do a fake version of it? How is that good? Yeah, thanks for the Chandra Levy episode, but I kinda already watched the whole thing on the news.

This was pretty amazing though because they were filming it right out on a busy street. Cars and people were just cruising by and suddenly a gun is going off. That can't be safe. They must've done 15 takes over the next hour. It was like living next to the Bin Ladens.

Thank God Gabrielle Giffords isn't in Culver City, how awkward would that be?

But no, she's in Florida. So I guess it's a good thing that her husband is taking the first space shuttle off the planet to get away from her. I knew we could find a silver lining in that somehow. Bad news: your husband is awful. Good news: you weren't in LA to watch a bad TV show recreate the thing that ruined your life.

I just imagine the next time I hear gunshots, I'm going to wrongly assume it involves Sam Waterston in some way. Waterston is going to get me killed.

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How Did We Ever Find Him?

"What do you think of the hide out, Mr. Bin Laden?"

"I don't know, needs to look more suspicious"

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The Bitter Script Reader

I want to give a shout out to a fellow blog called The Bitter Script Reader. Over the last few years, it seems like a lot of good websites about screenwriting have popped up. This is one of them.

A few weeks ago, he featured my blog on his site because of my depressing story about "In the Mix". This was a pleasant surprise because I had been reading his blog for years.

He was a script reader for years at a studio, and has probably read more scripts than I've seen movies. So if you're into the art of writing and selling screenplays, check it out.

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Just a Story

This is a random true story. It has no real point to it. I still haven't figured out what exactly was going on, but thought it might be amusing. So here goes...


I play in a 6 man, coed volleyball league once a week. I've been in it for about the last 7 years or so. Many of the people who play in the league, not so surprisingly, are weird. It's not surprising because it's inherently strange for grownups to play in organized sports leagues.

I've never been social with anyone outside of my team and never really wanted to. In general, no one there hangs out with each other outside of game night. I have no idea what any of them do for a living, but I assume it's volleyball related.

A couple years ago, a semi-cute, older girl joined my team. She was blonde and very, very competitive. I can't stress how competitive she was. She would yell at people and enforce rules that the $10 dollar an hour part time referee hadn't even heard of. She was like Bruno Kirby in "When Harry Met Sally" times a thousand. "Baby fish mouth!!!".

Anyway, though this girl was attractive and seemed to be flirting with me, I never really thought about asking her out. I think maybe I had a girlfriend at the time, and I thought she had a boyfriend, plus again, everyone in the league is a little off - I just didn't even consider it.

We played together for awhile and definitely had a connection of some sort. Occasionally, after games she would e-mail me and make snarky comments about what happened at the game. She was like Dan Patrick with boobs.

I broke up with my girlfriend, and this relationship continued. And then the e-mails became more frequent. I have to stress she was always the one initiating them. Then one night, there was a flurry - back and forth and back and forth. Finally, I'm like: "Do you just wanna call me?" And gave her my number. 5 seconds later, the phone rang.

We chatted on the phone. It was nice. It lasted maybe an hour. After the next game, the same thing happened. We talked on the phone again, this time for 3 hours. Pretty soon, she was calling frequently and the conversations were lasting a ridiculous amount of time. I hate talking on the phone, and I'm not a God Damn teenager, but it was enjoyable.

We talked about everything, including our sad dating history - I thought it was strange that she had never been married since she was older, good looking, loved sports, played sports, was all about sports, and did I mention she loved sports? Aren't those all qualities men look for? Well, except for the older thing.

From her stories, it seemed that all of her ex boyfriends were world class athletes of some kind. If you got the bronze, that wasn't good enough for this chick. She was strictly silver or gold medal dudes only. She was very into the status of it.

Now right here I feel the need to mention that I've never won a silver or gold medal. In fact, I've never represented this nation in any competitive sport. However, I did win the "coach's award" in tennis my junior year of high school.

So this phone call/vball relationship is going on, and I'm pretty sure I know where this is going. I mean, it's not standard practice for me to talk on the phone that long with anyone.

Finally, she reveals some very personal information about her last boyfriend and how it ended badly, etc. From her description, it was my opinion that she was being slightly delusional about it. The guy lied to her, but she was covering for him and for her.

Then I shared a personal story of some kind - it was probably about how I went out with a convicted felon , then we went back to joking around, and it was all very nice. Finally, I go: "So do you wanna get dinner on Friday?" (or something like that). And she goes, "Mmm, I don't think that's a good idea."

WHAT?

I forget what her excuse was, but this shocked me. First of all, we do see each other every week already. We also talk on the phone 3 hours a night. You can't see me and talk? Am I going to turn into some kind of sex monster outside of volleyball and the phone? It wasn't even like I was asking her back to my place or e-mailing her pictures of my penis (which is what I normally do to charm women). It was just dinner. And she said no.

Okay. I kind of went on my way. And if I pride myself on anything, it's that I'm not weird. Meaning, I wasn't gonna act funny just because this had happened. At volleyball, I was my usual hilarious and dominating self.

And then she called me again. And again. And again. This girl was coming after me! Why? For what? I have no idea. We had more long conversations. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore - there's only so much talking a man can do. I go, "why don't we hang out sometime?"

Baby Fish Mouth: "I don't think that's a good idea."

That was it for me. That's just too crazy. I can't remember exactly what her reasoning was, but it was very clear she was giving me the brush off. And she was totally talking down to me like I was this sad guy with a crush on the hot girl. You were calling me, you lunatic! I don't know why, but I guess she preferred the safe distance of phone buddies and playing the back row together.

I kept playing volleyball, I was cool with her, but I stopped responding to her e-mails promptly and with my usual jokey banter. After awhile her phone calls stopped. And things continued this way for the last 5 years.

So awhile ago, I'm at my game and I hear someone say, "what are we going to do without you?" to her. I go, "oh, where are you going?" And my teammate goes, "she's getting married!" I told her congratulations, etc., and asked where she was moving to.

Now keep in mind this is a girl who lived in Santa Monica, practically on the ocean, and played beach volleyball every single Saturday AND Sunday. Well, for this guy, she's moving to Sacramento. I instantly think he must be Mitch Gaylord or Dan Jansen or at the very least, "The Thorpedo" (these are Olympic references, people. They only work every 4 years).

She says something about having to wait to move until he gets back. I go, "oh, where is he?" She says, "he's in a tournament".

My teammate starts cracking up and goes "is he in high school? What tournament?"

She says: "Well, he plays on a championship softball team".

Reread that last statement. A "championship" softball team? What the hell is a championship softball team? How are they always in the championships? They just keep winning every year like the '60's Celtics?

But it was the perfect ending between us. Of knowing her. A championship softball team, I never could've thought of anyone saying that, but it made absolute sense. That's what she wanted. And I didn't have it. Our team never won the championship. She wanted a winner, and I was just a very, very good setter.

She obviously needed someone who was a champion at something. Even if it was softball.

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