You know how liberals always have to go to great pains to explain to conservative morons that they're not trying to take away their guns? Well, I'm not one of those liberals - I want to take away all of the guns. All of them. You want to go hunting? Use a bow and arrow like a man, pussies.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Sorry, lots of reading today. But this just blew my mind.
Apparently, there's an earthquake warning system that works, and Japan has it and uses it. It can provide up to 60 seconds of warning time. It was invented at Cal-Tech, but California isn't interested.
Madness! It would be like Florida and Louisiana saying "thanks, but no thanks" on buying a Doppler 5000.
Apparently, there's an earthquake warning system that works, and Japan has it and uses it. It can provide up to 60 seconds of warning time. It was invented at Cal-Tech, but California isn't interested.
Madness! It would be like Florida and Louisiana saying "thanks, but no thanks" on buying a Doppler 5000.
When you do a pilot, or the very first episode of a brand new series, I would expect that work represents your very best stuff. It should be your funniest, most original material. After all, you don't even know if you're going to get picked up to series, so all your eggs are in this very important basket.
Last night, Comedy Central premiered a new show called "Inside Amy Schumer". I like Amy. She's funny, seems nice, and somewhat normal. She was great on the roasts, and not to compare vaginas to vaginas, but I liked her jokes and her delivery way more than Whitney Cummings.
Whitney somehow parlay 2 roasts into becoming the Executive Producer for 3 DIFFERENT TV SHOWS running simultaneously - "Whitney", "2 Broke Girls", and whatever the hell that E! show was called. And Amy Schumer got...a sketch show on Comedy Central. Nothing makes sense!
Anyway, I was rooting for Amy. And then I watched her show tonight. And it is shocking to me that this could be the premiere episode. Maybe when you're running on fumes in season 3, okay, but this is what you present out of the gate?!
The cold open was about 2 Girls, 1 Cup. You know, the big internet video from...5 years ago. And you're on after Tosh! So the audience is well aware of 2 Girls, 1 Cup and how extremely old it is. Not only is the video old, jokes about the video are old. It's like if, 3 years from now, SNL did a Gangnam Style sketch.
This annoyed me, but I wasn't going to post about it. But it turns out, not only is this sketch extremely dated, it's also been done before (which isn't surprising because the video got so big and was so easy to make fun of).
Here's the sketch on Schumer...
And here is how College Humor did it...
But again, I wasn't going to post about it! This kind of thing happens. Although, they should've known because again, a lot of bits were done about 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
It was upsetting, but whatever. I moved on and kept watching. And that's when this sketch happened...
Well, it just so happens that Mad TV did the exact same sketch, I mean the EXACT SAME SKETCH, only better, 6 years ago.
VIDEO (couldn't embed this one, but you have to watch it to see how similar it is)
Let me be clear: I don't think any of this was stolen. At all. That is completely not the point. This is different. This means instead of crafting a show for Amy Schumer, with Amy Schumer's "voice", you are doing a generic comedy sketch show. Writers are great, but everything needs to come from the stars POV. If you're just doing writer bits, you are going to do things writers from years ago have already done.
But besides that, how does this even happen? You can't stop everything, but 2 bits in your first show? Yikes.
Last night, Comedy Central premiered a new show called "Inside Amy Schumer". I like Amy. She's funny, seems nice, and somewhat normal. She was great on the roasts, and not to compare vaginas to vaginas, but I liked her jokes and her delivery way more than Whitney Cummings.
Whitney somehow parlay 2 roasts into becoming the Executive Producer for 3 DIFFERENT TV SHOWS running simultaneously - "Whitney", "2 Broke Girls", and whatever the hell that E! show was called. And Amy Schumer got...a sketch show on Comedy Central. Nothing makes sense!
Anyway, I was rooting for Amy. And then I watched her show tonight. And it is shocking to me that this could be the premiere episode. Maybe when you're running on fumes in season 3, okay, but this is what you present out of the gate?!
The cold open was about 2 Girls, 1 Cup. You know, the big internet video from...5 years ago. And you're on after Tosh! So the audience is well aware of 2 Girls, 1 Cup and how extremely old it is. Not only is the video old, jokes about the video are old. It's like if, 3 years from now, SNL did a Gangnam Style sketch.
This annoyed me, but I wasn't going to post about it. But it turns out, not only is this sketch extremely dated, it's also been done before (which isn't surprising because the video got so big and was so easy to make fun of).
Here's the sketch on Schumer...
And here is how College Humor did it...
But again, I wasn't going to post about it! This kind of thing happens. Although, they should've known because again, a lot of bits were done about 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
It was upsetting, but whatever. I moved on and kept watching. And that's when this sketch happened...
Well, it just so happens that Mad TV did the exact same sketch, I mean the EXACT SAME SKETCH, only better, 6 years ago.
VIDEO (couldn't embed this one, but you have to watch it to see how similar it is)
Let me be clear: I don't think any of this was stolen. At all. That is completely not the point. This is different. This means instead of crafting a show for Amy Schumer, with Amy Schumer's "voice", you are doing a generic comedy sketch show. Writers are great, but everything needs to come from the stars POV. If you're just doing writer bits, you are going to do things writers from years ago have already done.
But besides that, how does this even happen? You can't stop everything, but 2 bits in your first show? Yikes.
Monday, 29 April 2013
Went to see "Pain and Gain" last night, and saw this trailer...
I couldn't believe it. Someone took "Meet the Parents", but just changed the white people to black people. I mean, it's not only a (very) similar premise, these are some of the exact same jokes. Oh sorry, a cat has been changed to a dog, now it's totally original.
And then at the end, it says "Tyler Perry presents". Well, there you go. I wonder which of the characters will end up having AIDS.
I couldn't believe it. Someone took "Meet the Parents", but just changed the white people to black people. I mean, it's not only a (very) similar premise, these are some of the exact same jokes. Oh sorry, a cat has been changed to a dog, now it's totally original.
And then at the end, it says "Tyler Perry presents". Well, there you go. I wonder which of the characters will end up having AIDS.
Friday, 26 April 2013
The last few summer movie seasons have been disappointing. It was always Spiderman, or a sequel to Spiderman, or the reboot of Spiderman, or the reboot of the sequel of Spiderman. I don't give a shit about Spiderman. Enough already. Maybe if Spidey finds an attractive girl to go out with I'll start to care again.
It's not that I'm opposed to big summer movies. I like them. Last year had The Avengers, but it mostly had things like Battleship and Men in Black 3. I can't even pretend like going to see those might be a fun thing to do. You have to at least give me hope. And Rock of Ages did not give me hope. It gave me Catherine Zeta Jones singing in a church.
But this year, there is some hope. Several movies look promising. I just read this little preview on Grantland about what's coming out and I was surprised by my excitement. Let's look at what we've got:
IRON MAN 3. I liked the first one, the second one sucked. And I thought my days of paying to see Iron Man were over. However, this one is written and directed by Shane Black, which brings me back on board.
Shane Black got famous in the '80's and '90's for selling action screenplays for millions of dollars (back when that was possible), like Lethal Weapon and the very underrated The Last Boy Scout. And then when the spec market disappeared, so did he. I have no idea where he went from like, '96 to 2005. He must've gone to wherever Ax Rose went, and where Keanu Reeves is now.
Then he made a comeback with a small movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which was good, but that was 8 years ago. He's done nothing since. But for whatever reason, the powers that be decided to hand him the keys to the Iron Man franchise. Seems like a weird decision, but I'm not complaining (and I suppose what Joss Whedon did with The Avengers somewhat justifies it).
Of course, if Shane Black isn't enough for you, there's always Gwyneth Paltrow. Who doesn't love Gwyneth? Oh, everyone? Well fuck you, haters. Goop 'till I die!
Next, THE GREAT GATSBY. I'm not a Baz Lurhmann fan. Probably because I'm straight. But I kinda dig this idea. I want to see what the roaring '20's would've been like if Jay Z was rapping over it. So shockingly, I'm in.
The biggest movie of the summer might be STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS. Not interested. Next...
THE BLING RING. Didn't know much about this movie, then I watched the trailer:
Couldn't enjoy that more. Only downside: Sophia Coppola is involved. Shit. She has a habit of making good things terrible (see: The Godfather 3. Yes, I'm still blaming her for that. I rewatch that movie every 10 years hoping it's suddenly good. Nope, still awful). But also, Somewhere should've been rad. Instead, it was 2 hours of Stephen Dorf driving around in a circle. Seriously, that was the movie!
My other concern: it could be this year's Savages. That movie had a great trailer and was really bad. I mean, seriously bad. Did anyone see that? We should probably discuss the ending of that movie at some point. But anyway...
FAST & FURIOUS 6. If I was still engaged, I'd have to see this in the theater. Luckily, I'm not! So I'll see you on TNT, Fast & Furious 6. (on a side note, I'm fascinated by successful movie franchises that star actors that can't get any other work. Paul Walker? Vin Diesel? Jordan Brewster? Their only appealing to the public if they are in these movies. They must HATE cars at this point).
MAN OF STEEL. Here's another one featuring a director with a knack for screwing the pooch. But I love Superman. Growing up, I was known as the kid with the cape. So of course I'm seeing it.
Here's my worry (other than Zack Snyder): are there only 2 Superman stories to tell? Superman Returns was just a rehash of the very first Superman with Christopher Reeve. The bad guy in this one is General Zod. I'm gonna be pissed if it's just another remake. Is there nothing else in the Superman world? No new ideas? Okay, guess I'll just have to enjoy Michael Shannon's ginormous head.
WORLD WAR Z. I might be the most excited for this movie. But it seems like no one is that into it. Specifically, people who have read the book. They say it's "totally different" and violates the spirit and blah blah blah. Well, check out the trailer...
Super fast zombies forming human ladders to kill everyone? Sorry, purists, but I'll take it.
WHITE HOUSE DOWN. Whoops, there must be some mistake, this movie already came out. Like 20 times.
Speaking of movies we've already seen...THE HANGOVER III.
THIS IS THE END. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if I will see it or not, I don't know if I will love it or hate it, I just don't know. This is the movie with everyone who has ever been in a Judd Apatow movie, playing themselves, as the world ends.
So Danny McBride is in it as Danny McBride. And Jonah Hill as Jonah Hill. And so on. Since I'm in comedy, I feel like I have to see it, at the very least to mock it.
BEFORE MIDNIGHT. You want to talk big summer trilogies? Iron Man ain't got shit on Ethan Hawke and Julie motherfucking Delpy. Love these movies (maybe I'm not straight).
And finally...
AFTER EARTH. I just don't think Jaden Smith is believable as Will Smith's son.
It's not that I'm opposed to big summer movies. I like them. Last year had The Avengers, but it mostly had things like Battleship and Men in Black 3. I can't even pretend like going to see those might be a fun thing to do. You have to at least give me hope. And Rock of Ages did not give me hope. It gave me Catherine Zeta Jones singing in a church.
But this year, there is some hope. Several movies look promising. I just read this little preview on Grantland about what's coming out and I was surprised by my excitement. Let's look at what we've got:
IRON MAN 3. I liked the first one, the second one sucked. And I thought my days of paying to see Iron Man were over. However, this one is written and directed by Shane Black, which brings me back on board.
Shane Black got famous in the '80's and '90's for selling action screenplays for millions of dollars (back when that was possible), like Lethal Weapon and the very underrated The Last Boy Scout. And then when the spec market disappeared, so did he. I have no idea where he went from like, '96 to 2005. He must've gone to wherever Ax Rose went, and where Keanu Reeves is now.
Then he made a comeback with a small movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which was good, but that was 8 years ago. He's done nothing since. But for whatever reason, the powers that be decided to hand him the keys to the Iron Man franchise. Seems like a weird decision, but I'm not complaining (and I suppose what Joss Whedon did with The Avengers somewhat justifies it).
Of course, if Shane Black isn't enough for you, there's always Gwyneth Paltrow. Who doesn't love Gwyneth? Oh, everyone? Well fuck you, haters. Goop 'till I die!
Next, THE GREAT GATSBY. I'm not a Baz Lurhmann fan. Probably because I'm straight. But I kinda dig this idea. I want to see what the roaring '20's would've been like if Jay Z was rapping over it. So shockingly, I'm in.
The biggest movie of the summer might be STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS. Not interested. Next...
THE BLING RING. Didn't know much about this movie, then I watched the trailer:
Couldn't enjoy that more. Only downside: Sophia Coppola is involved. Shit. She has a habit of making good things terrible (see: The Godfather 3. Yes, I'm still blaming her for that. I rewatch that movie every 10 years hoping it's suddenly good. Nope, still awful). But also, Somewhere should've been rad. Instead, it was 2 hours of Stephen Dorf driving around in a circle. Seriously, that was the movie!
My other concern: it could be this year's Savages. That movie had a great trailer and was really bad. I mean, seriously bad. Did anyone see that? We should probably discuss the ending of that movie at some point. But anyway...
FAST & FURIOUS 6. If I was still engaged, I'd have to see this in the theater. Luckily, I'm not! So I'll see you on TNT, Fast & Furious 6. (on a side note, I'm fascinated by successful movie franchises that star actors that can't get any other work. Paul Walker? Vin Diesel? Jordan Brewster? Their only appealing to the public if they are in these movies. They must HATE cars at this point).
MAN OF STEEL. Here's another one featuring a director with a knack for screwing the pooch. But I love Superman. Growing up, I was known as the kid with the cape. So of course I'm seeing it.
Here's my worry (other than Zack Snyder): are there only 2 Superman stories to tell? Superman Returns was just a rehash of the very first Superman with Christopher Reeve. The bad guy in this one is General Zod. I'm gonna be pissed if it's just another remake. Is there nothing else in the Superman world? No new ideas? Okay, guess I'll just have to enjoy Michael Shannon's ginormous head.
WORLD WAR Z. I might be the most excited for this movie. But it seems like no one is that into it. Specifically, people who have read the book. They say it's "totally different" and violates the spirit and blah blah blah. Well, check out the trailer...
Super fast zombies forming human ladders to kill everyone? Sorry, purists, but I'll take it.
WHITE HOUSE DOWN. Whoops, there must be some mistake, this movie already came out. Like 20 times.
Speaking of movies we've already seen...THE HANGOVER III.
THIS IS THE END. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if I will see it or not, I don't know if I will love it or hate it, I just don't know. This is the movie with everyone who has ever been in a Judd Apatow movie, playing themselves, as the world ends.
So Danny McBride is in it as Danny McBride. And Jonah Hill as Jonah Hill. And so on. Since I'm in comedy, I feel like I have to see it, at the very least to mock it.
BEFORE MIDNIGHT. You want to talk big summer trilogies? Iron Man ain't got shit on Ethan Hawke and Julie motherfucking Delpy. Love these movies (maybe I'm not straight).
And finally...
AFTER EARTH. I just don't think Jaden Smith is believable as Will Smith's son.
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
I've been trying to come up with new ideas of late. I need to think of a 1 hour show. My process is I ride my bike to the strand, then I walk down close to the ocean, and then...magic happens. Actually, usually just shows about surfing and lifeguards happen. Pretty sure the creators of Baywatch had this same process.
And I'm sunburn.
Anyway, I am trying to be very aware of any and all 1 hour shows that are on or are being developed or merely talked about. So today while perusing the internet I discovered that ABC Family has a new drama coming out called "Chasing Life". It was adapted from a Mexican TV show, because of course it was (IP!).
I checked the premise, and here's what it said:
Chasing Life follows twenty-something April (Italia Ricci), a smart and quick witted aspiring journalist, who is trying to work her way up the ladder at a Boston newspaper by trying to impress her hard-nosed editor. When not pursuing the latest scoop, April tries to balance her ambitious career with her family – her widowed mom Sara, rebellious little sister Brenna and her grandmother. Just as things start to look up at work, home and on the romance front with co-worker Dominic, April gets the devastating news from an estranged uncle that she has cancer.
I'm so confused by this. How does her estranged Uncle know she has cancer? Is he a doctor? Did he even examine her?!
Is it any of the cancers of the vagina? Because if she found out her gynecologist was also her estranged Uncle, that's a show I'd like to see. "You have ovarian cancer, and also, your dad is my bro".
I'd like to add that we need a moratorium on all cancer inspired entertainment. I didn't watch 50/50. I didn't watch The Big C. The only thing I'm okay with is Breaking Bad, and that's only because the cancer made him do awesome things. If cancer's only gonna make you the next Woodward and/or Bernstein, that's not good enough.
Let's just hope the people who write these premise things aren't the same people who write the show.
And I'm sunburn.
Anyway, I am trying to be very aware of any and all 1 hour shows that are on or are being developed or merely talked about. So today while perusing the internet I discovered that ABC Family has a new drama coming out called "Chasing Life". It was adapted from a Mexican TV show, because of course it was (IP!).
I checked the premise, and here's what it said:
Chasing Life follows twenty-something April (Italia Ricci), a smart and quick witted aspiring journalist, who is trying to work her way up the ladder at a Boston newspaper by trying to impress her hard-nosed editor. When not pursuing the latest scoop, April tries to balance her ambitious career with her family – her widowed mom Sara, rebellious little sister Brenna and her grandmother. Just as things start to look up at work, home and on the romance front with co-worker Dominic, April gets the devastating news from an estranged uncle that she has cancer.
I'm so confused by this. How does her estranged Uncle know she has cancer? Is he a doctor? Did he even examine her?!
Is it any of the cancers of the vagina? Because if she found out her gynecologist was also her estranged Uncle, that's a show I'd like to see. "You have ovarian cancer, and also, your dad is my bro".
I'd like to add that we need a moratorium on all cancer inspired entertainment. I didn't watch 50/50. I didn't watch The Big C. The only thing I'm okay with is Breaking Bad, and that's only because the cancer made him do awesome things. If cancer's only gonna make you the next Woodward and/or Bernstein, that's not good enough.
Let's just hope the people who write these premise things aren't the same people who write the show.
Monday, 22 April 2013
Here is a pretty great article (including rarely seen video clips) about the infamous debacle that was The Chevy Chase Show.
Sunday, 21 April 2013
The other night, The Big Bang Theory on CBS beat out American Idol in the ratings. Not a big deal, you say? Well, the episode of The Big Bang Theory was a RERUN.
That brand new episode of American Idol will probably only air once in it's life, and it got beat by a rerun of a sitcom that will surely be rerun a thousand more times. I'd like to think my hatred of AI from 5 years ago played a part in this, but a really it's a testament to the power of the Big Bang Theory and CBS.
Check out the ratings (taken from 2 months ago when nothing was in reruns) and pay attention to the sitcoms:
Big Bang, Modern Family, 2 and a Half Men, 2 Broke Girls, How I Met Your Mother, Mike & freaking Molly, and Rules of God Damn Engagement! So basically the sitcoms that are dominating are Modern Family and everything on CBS. And all of those CBS shows are multi-cam.
That's 6 multi-cam shows in the top 20. So why isn't everyone jumping on the multi-cam bandwagon?
The networks keep sinking money into the likes of 30 Rock and The New Normal and Don't Trust the B and The Mindy Project. All seem promising. All have "cult" followings. None have big, broad audiences.
I think part of the problem with single-cam is reality shows - Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo, The Kardashians Fuck Black Guys. These aren't really reality shows, they are actually single camera comedies too. They are just as structured, just as scripted, just as jokey, but they do it with real people. And it's extremely difficult to compete against reality.
Honey Boo Boo is more amusing than any character on Happy Endings for a very good reason - Honey Boo Boo and her mom are real, if disgusting, people. How do you top that? You can't. It's way more fun to watch a real character than the one Elisha Cuthbert is trying her darndest to play.
Meanwhile, multi-cams are like a different species. There's a watchablity and a re-watchabality that single-cams don't have. I would cite the thousands of times I've watched each episode of Friends and Seinfeld as examples. Maybe there's an authenticity there. It's more like a play. It's a performance, but a less manipulated one.
I would compare it to Saturday Night Live vs. In Living Color. In Living Color had it's moments, but I always liked SNL more. There was something about the editing and the canned laughter that was off putting with In Living Color. SNL felt less artificial.
But Modern Family, you reply. Well, I would argue that Modern Family successfully replicates those reality shows with that faux documentary bullshit. As did The Office before it. They LOOK like those reality shows stylistically. They're cheating with those interview things, and it sorta works. But how many single cams can successfully use that lame device? Two, apparently.
Who knows if my theory is right, but as with most of my theories, it doesn't matter. Because the evidence is clear: multi-cam is kicking single-cams ass, in first run and in syndication. And it's not close. Yet, here are the stats for this development season:
Multi-cams ordered to pilot: 13.
Single-cams ordered to pilot: 36
Strange.
Let me be clear, I don't approve of all of this. I prefer single-cam. I WORK in single-cam. I'm just saying, isn't it weird that NBC, ABC, and FOX have all abandoned this thing that clearly works on another network, and has worked throughout TV history?
Single-cam can work. I love the show I work on (and loved it before I worked on it) and a few others, and they do solid ratings. But with that top 20 that I posted, 36 to 13 seems bizarre. Why isn't it the other way around?
I guess it's the perception that multi-cams are old fashioned, and tired, and stale, and not hip. But with cable chipping away at their audience, they need big tent shows. And multi-cam is big tent. "Not Hip" is kinda the business they're in.
Big Bang Theory makes BILLIONS of dollars. 2 and Half Men too. Friends is still running. So is Seinfeld. George Lopez keeps getting shows because his dumbass sitcom kills it in syndication. What more evidence do you need than George Lopez being successful. You know it's not him, it's the power of multi-cam.
Hopefully, for my jobs sake, there's room for both.
That brand new episode of American Idol will probably only air once in it's life, and it got beat by a rerun of a sitcom that will surely be rerun a thousand more times. I'd like to think my hatred of AI from 5 years ago played a part in this, but a really it's a testament to the power of the Big Bang Theory and CBS.
Check out the ratings (taken from 2 months ago when nothing was in reruns) and pay attention to the sitcoms:
| 1 | Big Bang Theory, THE-02/14 | CBS | 5.5 | 6995 | |
| 2 | American Idol-WEDNESDAY-02/13 | FOX | 4.3 | 5458 | |
| 3 | Modern Family-02/13 | ABC | 3.8 | 4787 | |
| 4 | Two and a Half Men-02/14 | CBS | 3.8 | 4780 | |
| 5 | American Idol-THURSDAY-02/14 | FOX | 3.7 | 4717 | |
| 6 | 2 Broke Girls-02/11 | CBS | 3.6 | 4526 | |
| 7 | How I Met Your Mother-02/11 | CBS | 3.2 | 4099 | |
| 8 | MIKE & Molly-02/11 | CBS | 3.0 | 3763 | |
| 9 | Person Of Interest-02/14 | CBS | 3.0 | 3759 | |
| 10 | Rules of Engagement-02/11 | CBS | 2.8 | 3517 | |
| 11 | Grey'S ANATOMY-02/14 | ABC | 2.8 | 3491 | |
| 12 | BACHELOR, THE-02/11 | ABC | 2.7 | 3479 | |
| 13 | Scandal-02/14 | ABC | 2.7 | 3467 | |
| 14 | Amazing Race 22-02/17 | P | CBS | 2.5 | 3162 |
| 15 | FOLLOWING, THE-02/11 | FOX | 2.4 | 3093 | |
| 16 | Family Guy-02/17 | FOX | 2.4 | 3043 | |
| 17 | SURVIVOR: CARAMOAN-02/13 | P | CBS | 2.4 | 3034 |
| 18 | Once Upon A Time-02/17 | ABC | 2.4 | 2987 | |
| 19 | ELEMENTARY-02/14 | CBS | 2.3 | 2884 | |
| 20 | BONES-02/11 | FOX | 2.2 | 2834 |
Big Bang, Modern Family, 2 and a Half Men, 2 Broke Girls, How I Met Your Mother, Mike & freaking Molly, and Rules of God Damn Engagement! So basically the sitcoms that are dominating are Modern Family and everything on CBS. And all of those CBS shows are multi-cam.
That's 6 multi-cam shows in the top 20. So why isn't everyone jumping on the multi-cam bandwagon?
The networks keep sinking money into the likes of 30 Rock and The New Normal and Don't Trust the B and The Mindy Project. All seem promising. All have "cult" followings. None have big, broad audiences.
I think part of the problem with single-cam is reality shows - Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo, The Kardashians Fuck Black Guys. These aren't really reality shows, they are actually single camera comedies too. They are just as structured, just as scripted, just as jokey, but they do it with real people. And it's extremely difficult to compete against reality.
Honey Boo Boo is more amusing than any character on Happy Endings for a very good reason - Honey Boo Boo and her mom are real, if disgusting, people. How do you top that? You can't. It's way more fun to watch a real character than the one Elisha Cuthbert is trying her darndest to play.
Meanwhile, multi-cams are like a different species. There's a watchablity and a re-watchabality that single-cams don't have. I would cite the thousands of times I've watched each episode of Friends and Seinfeld as examples. Maybe there's an authenticity there. It's more like a play. It's a performance, but a less manipulated one.
I would compare it to Saturday Night Live vs. In Living Color. In Living Color had it's moments, but I always liked SNL more. There was something about the editing and the canned laughter that was off putting with In Living Color. SNL felt less artificial.
But Modern Family, you reply. Well, I would argue that Modern Family successfully replicates those reality shows with that faux documentary bullshit. As did The Office before it. They LOOK like those reality shows stylistically. They're cheating with those interview things, and it sorta works. But how many single cams can successfully use that lame device? Two, apparently.
Who knows if my theory is right, but as with most of my theories, it doesn't matter. Because the evidence is clear: multi-cam is kicking single-cams ass, in first run and in syndication. And it's not close. Yet, here are the stats for this development season:
Multi-cams ordered to pilot: 13.
Single-cams ordered to pilot: 36
Strange.
Let me be clear, I don't approve of all of this. I prefer single-cam. I WORK in single-cam. I'm just saying, isn't it weird that NBC, ABC, and FOX have all abandoned this thing that clearly works on another network, and has worked throughout TV history?
Single-cam can work. I love the show I work on (and loved it before I worked on it) and a few others, and they do solid ratings. But with that top 20 that I posted, 36 to 13 seems bizarre. Why isn't it the other way around?
I guess it's the perception that multi-cams are old fashioned, and tired, and stale, and not hip. But with cable chipping away at their audience, they need big tent shows. And multi-cam is big tent. "Not Hip" is kinda the business they're in.
Big Bang Theory makes BILLIONS of dollars. 2 and Half Men too. Friends is still running. So is Seinfeld. George Lopez keeps getting shows because his dumbass sitcom kills it in syndication. What more evidence do you need than George Lopez being successful. You know it's not him, it's the power of multi-cam.
Hopefully, for my jobs sake, there's room for both.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
As I wrote earlier, I've been sucked into the awful marathon shit all week. And as I'm sitting here, things just got even crazier. A shootout with grenades in Boston. Insanity.
While this is going on, the twitterverse (do people still say 'twitterverse'? yeah, gay people) is having a field day mocking CNN and the other news organizations over their handling of the story.
True, the coverage has been bad. CNN obviously dropped the ball completely the other day and deserves all of the scorn Jon Stewart's writing staff can dream up. And the New York Post, man, I don't even understand how what they are doing is in any way legal. Plus, I'm mad that the falsely accused 17 year old's parents aren't going crazy about it. Seriously, where are they?!
But anyway, I feel like there is some over reach here in the criticism. And it's especially evident as this new horribleness is going on.
Basically, the big complaint seems to be that news anchors should not get involved in any speculation. For example, as this story is breaking tonight, the anchors are saying very clearly that it isn't known if the marathon bombing and this are connected, but that "many are questioning if they might be related".
For some reason, this is bad. But I disagree!
If you don't say that, you sound like you have your head up your ass. Of course we're suspicious! I'm suspicious! True, there are no facts to back this up, but you have to at least wonder. That's why they're even covering the story! That's why all of the networks are going live at 1am for a random shooting!
I understand that there needs to be journalistic integrity and you have to make sure all of the facts are in before you report things (ie, if the suspects have in fact been arrested). But if you don't say what we are all thinking, even though it's (gasp!) speculation, then you look like a fucking moron.
I don't want to watch the guy or girl who doesn't raise these questions. It would frustrate me. I want the TV person to raise the questions I'm thinking in my head, even if no one has the answer yet.
So ease off on the anti-speculation rant, twitterverse. As long as they're not reporting it as fact, it's kind of a good thing. Let's not do the rigid, naive version of things.
On another note, holy shit has the internet been way better than TV on this story.
I'm on twitter right now while watching MSNBC and CNN, and twitter is way, way more informative and on top of it. People are retweeting witnesses, pictures, video, and stuff from the police scanner.
TV feels like an hour ago, twitter feels like as it's happening. The world is changing. And as it's changing, Anderson Cooper, Chris Matthews, John King, Megyn Kelly, and all the rest, are quite literally, asleep.
While this is going on, the twitterverse (do people still say 'twitterverse'? yeah, gay people) is having a field day mocking CNN and the other news organizations over their handling of the story.
True, the coverage has been bad. CNN obviously dropped the ball completely the other day and deserves all of the scorn Jon Stewart's writing staff can dream up. And the New York Post, man, I don't even understand how what they are doing is in any way legal. Plus, I'm mad that the falsely accused 17 year old's parents aren't going crazy about it. Seriously, where are they?!
But anyway, I feel like there is some over reach here in the criticism. And it's especially evident as this new horribleness is going on.
Basically, the big complaint seems to be that news anchors should not get involved in any speculation. For example, as this story is breaking tonight, the anchors are saying very clearly that it isn't known if the marathon bombing and this are connected, but that "many are questioning if they might be related".
For some reason, this is bad. But I disagree!
If you don't say that, you sound like you have your head up your ass. Of course we're suspicious! I'm suspicious! True, there are no facts to back this up, but you have to at least wonder. That's why they're even covering the story! That's why all of the networks are going live at 1am for a random shooting!
I understand that there needs to be journalistic integrity and you have to make sure all of the facts are in before you report things (ie, if the suspects have in fact been arrested). But if you don't say what we are all thinking, even though it's (gasp!) speculation, then you look like a fucking moron.
I don't want to watch the guy or girl who doesn't raise these questions. It would frustrate me. I want the TV person to raise the questions I'm thinking in my head, even if no one has the answer yet.
So ease off on the anti-speculation rant, twitterverse. As long as they're not reporting it as fact, it's kind of a good thing. Let's not do the rigid, naive version of things.
On another note, holy shit has the internet been way better than TV on this story.
I'm on twitter right now while watching MSNBC and CNN, and twitter is way, way more informative and on top of it. People are retweeting witnesses, pictures, video, and stuff from the police scanner.
TV feels like an hour ago, twitter feels like as it's happening. The world is changing. And as it's changing, Anderson Cooper, Chris Matthews, John King, Megyn Kelly, and all the rest, are quite literally, asleep.
Sorry, I got sucked down the Boston Marathon internet rabbit hole this week and couldn't think about anything else.
But this is just a reminder to start watching The Real World immediately. A boring ass roommate left the show, so they got a new one. And her name is Nia. She is a tall, black girl, and she is clinically insane. How do I know this? Because she calls herself Hurricane Nia, says her two favorite things to eat are "cock and food", and, did you just see the last thing I wrote?
The Real World has flirted with this strategy before - of 7 strangers, picked to live in a house, and then adding an 8th stranger, who is legitimately mentally deranged.
They did it in the Real World: Las Vegas II with this guy named Adam. The problem was he was so crazy that he lasted about 3 episodes before he had to be forcibly removed from the house. He was literally committing criminal acts and the women in the house felt "threatened".
So they went away from it for awhile, but now have gone back to it here with a twist. A lady. I guess thinking maybe a woman can last longer, because other women are less inclined to say they feel threatened by a fellow vagina. That's the theory, anyway.
Hurricane Nia has arrived. Dicks will be sucked (her words, not mine). Punches will fly. Should be good.
But this is just a reminder to start watching The Real World immediately. A boring ass roommate left the show, so they got a new one. And her name is Nia. She is a tall, black girl, and she is clinically insane. How do I know this? Because she calls herself Hurricane Nia, says her two favorite things to eat are "cock and food", and, did you just see the last thing I wrote?
The Real World has flirted with this strategy before - of 7 strangers, picked to live in a house, and then adding an 8th stranger, who is legitimately mentally deranged.
They did it in the Real World: Las Vegas II with this guy named Adam. The problem was he was so crazy that he lasted about 3 episodes before he had to be forcibly removed from the house. He was literally committing criminal acts and the women in the house felt "threatened".
So they went away from it for awhile, but now have gone back to it here with a twist. A lady. I guess thinking maybe a woman can last longer, because other women are less inclined to say they feel threatened by a fellow vagina. That's the theory, anyway.
Hurricane Nia has arrived. Dicks will be sucked (her words, not mine). Punches will fly. Should be good.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
2 sports posts in a row? Yep!
I was at the Laker game on Friday night, and watched as Kobe shredded his achilles. It was depressing. In fact, as I moped off to my car, I almost got run over by Ice Cube. Seriously, he was driving a white Bentley with his family and almost got me. I could've been a millionaire! That woulda been a good day.
Anyway, back to Kobe. They are saying 6 to 9 months. But he's 34. He's been in the NBA since he was 18. He's logged crazy minutes, scored a million points, played extra games for the playoffs and Olympics, raped a chick...that's a lot of wear and tear.
Can he do it? Probably. He's Kobe. He's got a lot of motivation - matching Jordan's 6 titles, becoming the all time scoring leader, and most importantly, getting out of that house and away from that annoying ass wife of his.
But here's my question: why is it wrong for Kobe to take HGH and steroids during his rehab?
He is due to make $30 million dollars next year. He has a very small, and rapidly closing window of playing years left. When that window ends, the thing that he is greatest at, is over. For good. So who would blame him for doing whatever he could to get back as fast as possible? Moreover, isn't it the right thing to do?
Who is against this? These drugs WORK. Isn't that what drugs are for? To, you know, help people. Would you tell Magic not to take his AIDS drugs? Hey, Kobe tore his achilles, Magic has AIDS, taking drugs gives them an unfair advantage over people who didn't do that stuff. It makes no sense.
For those saying "but the side effects!" Do you know what the side effects are for playing in the NFL? Or boxing? Or UFC? Hell, I watched a story on Inside Sports the other night about guys who compete in the X Games jumping snowmobiles. One guy died, another is paralyzed, a third literally broke his face.
There are side effects to doing everything! Steroids are a million times more safe than doing flips on snowmobiles. You have to ask if it's worth the price. And I think $30 million dollars and the last years of playing at the highest level of sports is more than worth it.
So I hope he uses everything at his disposable. If he doesn't, then he just doesn't want it bad enough.
I was at the Laker game on Friday night, and watched as Kobe shredded his achilles. It was depressing. In fact, as I moped off to my car, I almost got run over by Ice Cube. Seriously, he was driving a white Bentley with his family and almost got me. I could've been a millionaire! That woulda been a good day.
Anyway, back to Kobe. They are saying 6 to 9 months. But he's 34. He's been in the NBA since he was 18. He's logged crazy minutes, scored a million points, played extra games for the playoffs and Olympics, raped a chick...that's a lot of wear and tear.
Can he do it? Probably. He's Kobe. He's got a lot of motivation - matching Jordan's 6 titles, becoming the all time scoring leader, and most importantly, getting out of that house and away from that annoying ass wife of his.
But here's my question: why is it wrong for Kobe to take HGH and steroids during his rehab?
He is due to make $30 million dollars next year. He has a very small, and rapidly closing window of playing years left. When that window ends, the thing that he is greatest at, is over. For good. So who would blame him for doing whatever he could to get back as fast as possible? Moreover, isn't it the right thing to do?
Who is against this? These drugs WORK. Isn't that what drugs are for? To, you know, help people. Would you tell Magic not to take his AIDS drugs? Hey, Kobe tore his achilles, Magic has AIDS, taking drugs gives them an unfair advantage over people who didn't do that stuff. It makes no sense.
For those saying "but the side effects!" Do you know what the side effects are for playing in the NFL? Or boxing? Or UFC? Hell, I watched a story on Inside Sports the other night about guys who compete in the X Games jumping snowmobiles. One guy died, another is paralyzed, a third literally broke his face.
There are side effects to doing everything! Steroids are a million times more safe than doing flips on snowmobiles. You have to ask if it's worth the price. And I think $30 million dollars and the last years of playing at the highest level of sports is more than worth it.
So I hope he uses everything at his disposable. If he doesn't, then he just doesn't want it bad enough.
Saturday, 13 April 2013
I was watching a boxing match on HBO tonight. It was a very boring fight. One guy was running the whole time, the other guy was chasing him and not throwing any punches. Honestly, they both deserved to not win.
Anyway, the HBO announcers, who I normally like, kept going on and on about how the guy who was running was "easily" winning the fight. They were saying it wasn't even close, and that it was a shutout.
This was driving me insane because I saw it differently. I thought it was about even. It was very frustrating. Not only that, I felt like they were setting up the audience for "outrage" when the judges announced their scores. It felt like a setup, and that it was misleading.
Meanwhile on twitter, the boxing writers for ESPN and Sports Illustrated were posting their scores after every round. And they both had it close.
At one point I said, "I wish someone would tell these announcers that other boxing experts at this fight are disagreeing with them right now, and maybe they are talking themselves into something that isn't happening".
Well, in round 11, Jim Lampley says: "The producers in the truck are telling me that several boxing writers on twitter are disagreeing with us about the scoring in this fight, and believe this is close".
Awesome.
That's all I wanted to hear. It made me so happy. That is great producing. And it changed the way they called the fight. They didn't change their mind, but they at least acknowledged it might be going differently.
HBO gave every round but one to the guy who ran, and their scorecard had it 118-109.
The 3 judges had it 114-113, 115-112, and 116-111.
There are so many times where I yell at the TV for something to happen, and it never does. And this time, it did. So props to the boys in the truck.
Anyway, the HBO announcers, who I normally like, kept going on and on about how the guy who was running was "easily" winning the fight. They were saying it wasn't even close, and that it was a shutout.
This was driving me insane because I saw it differently. I thought it was about even. It was very frustrating. Not only that, I felt like they were setting up the audience for "outrage" when the judges announced their scores. It felt like a setup, and that it was misleading.
Meanwhile on twitter, the boxing writers for ESPN and Sports Illustrated were posting their scores after every round. And they both had it close.
At one point I said, "I wish someone would tell these announcers that other boxing experts at this fight are disagreeing with them right now, and maybe they are talking themselves into something that isn't happening".
Well, in round 11, Jim Lampley says: "The producers in the truck are telling me that several boxing writers on twitter are disagreeing with us about the scoring in this fight, and believe this is close".
Awesome.
That's all I wanted to hear. It made me so happy. That is great producing. And it changed the way they called the fight. They didn't change their mind, but they at least acknowledged it might be going differently.
HBO gave every round but one to the guy who ran, and their scorecard had it 118-109.
The 3 judges had it 114-113, 115-112, and 116-111.
There are so many times where I yell at the TV for something to happen, and it never does. And this time, it did. So props to the boys in the truck.
Friday, 12 April 2013
Thursday, 11 April 2013
You may remember the movie I was writing. And writing. And writing. Well, I finally finished, and Team Handleman began sending it around town.
When I came to Los Angeles, I heard stories of napkins with doodles on them being sold for a million bucks. But times have changed, my friends. Pretty much at the exact moment I stepped foot here, the money dried up. It was the equivalent of going to Germany in 1945 to get in the Nazi business. The enthusiasm had died down a bit.
So even though I didn't just scribble on a cocktail napkin, and actually used a newfangled computer and printed out neatly typed pages, my script didn't immediately make it rain. But it did get me a million...meetings. So that's what I've been doing the last couple weeks.
It's been pretty great. It took me 2 fricking years to write this thing, so it's nice to sit down with people who say they enjoyed reading it. It almost makes it all worthwhile. Almost. Well, not really.
But the people I've been meeting with have been awesome and they are smart and know their shit, and it's nice to hear some positive feedback. They all ask good, tough questions, and we talk about the script and the characters and the story like it's an actual thing. It can almost make you feel silly if you stop and think about it - some dude (or dudette) in a real office is asking me about some made up bullshit I wrote down while sitting around in my underwear eating triscuits. Nothing makes sense!
I've spent the last many years in TV, so I'm pretty new to the feature business. And in going to these meetings, I've learned a very important lesson that I didn't expect, and that I thought I'd share with you. It's the most important thing in the feature business right now and seemingly the only thing that matters. It's only two letters long, it's...
IP
Those are the magical letters that I keep hearing over and over again. In the end, my script doesn't mean much, but IP means everything. So what the hell is IP?
IP is intellectual property.
People like my script, or at least they say they do. But they can't sell it. And they can't sell it for one reason: it wasn't a book first. A book is IP. An article in Wired magazine is IP. A comic strip is IP.
Apparently, IP makes studios feel protected. "See?! Some other asshole liked it enough to bound it into a book, it must be safe to invest in!" "Look! They put a cover on it and sold it at Barnes and Noble, that means smarter people than us trust it!" "Wired magazine wouldn't go to the trouble of writing 500 words about it if it wouldn't make a billion dollar franchise!"
Spec screenplays are an unknown, risky gambit. But a movie project based on preexisting material makes everyone feel all warm and toasty inside. Ya figure if it's an adaptation the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter. But how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer, er, a shitty story that won't make a good movie. The next thing you know there's money missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Sorry, lapsed into Tommy Boy for a sec.
Anyway, these folks that I'm meeting with want me, or them, to find a book or an article or a something that already exists, and adapt it. Then they want us to go into a studio and sell it. And in that meeting we can go, "Hey, we're not just some idiots making stuff up, you know, like wacky, glue sniffing writers, this thing's a book! It's proven!". Even though it's not and no one reads anything or cares.
It's strange. It's almost like after Harry Potter and Twilight everyone got confused and thought that book = box office gold. But there are like 4 famous books, and then everything else. But I guess it's easier to point to something that already exists than do the hard work of reading a 100 page screenplay that no one else has seen before, and believing in it.
But the script I wrote isn't completely worthless. Not at all. It got me in the door. Now they think I can write something. If some "IP" comes around, they might give me a shot. So there's that.
I just wish I would've known this ahead of time. I could've gotten a gig writing shit for Wired Magazine and cut out the middle man.
More updates as they happen...
When I came to Los Angeles, I heard stories of napkins with doodles on them being sold for a million bucks. But times have changed, my friends. Pretty much at the exact moment I stepped foot here, the money dried up. It was the equivalent of going to Germany in 1945 to get in the Nazi business. The enthusiasm had died down a bit.
So even though I didn't just scribble on a cocktail napkin, and actually used a newfangled computer and printed out neatly typed pages, my script didn't immediately make it rain. But it did get me a million...meetings. So that's what I've been doing the last couple weeks.
It's been pretty great. It took me 2 fricking years to write this thing, so it's nice to sit down with people who say they enjoyed reading it. It almost makes it all worthwhile. Almost. Well, not really.
But the people I've been meeting with have been awesome and they are smart and know their shit, and it's nice to hear some positive feedback. They all ask good, tough questions, and we talk about the script and the characters and the story like it's an actual thing. It can almost make you feel silly if you stop and think about it - some dude (or dudette) in a real office is asking me about some made up bullshit I wrote down while sitting around in my underwear eating triscuits. Nothing makes sense!
I've spent the last many years in TV, so I'm pretty new to the feature business. And in going to these meetings, I've learned a very important lesson that I didn't expect, and that I thought I'd share with you. It's the most important thing in the feature business right now and seemingly the only thing that matters. It's only two letters long, it's...
IP
Those are the magical letters that I keep hearing over and over again. In the end, my script doesn't mean much, but IP means everything. So what the hell is IP?
IP is intellectual property.
People like my script, or at least they say they do. But they can't sell it. And they can't sell it for one reason: it wasn't a book first. A book is IP. An article in Wired magazine is IP. A comic strip is IP.
Apparently, IP makes studios feel protected. "See?! Some other asshole liked it enough to bound it into a book, it must be safe to invest in!" "Look! They put a cover on it and sold it at Barnes and Noble, that means smarter people than us trust it!" "Wired magazine wouldn't go to the trouble of writing 500 words about it if it wouldn't make a billion dollar franchise!"
Spec screenplays are an unknown, risky gambit. But a movie project based on preexisting material makes everyone feel all warm and toasty inside. Ya figure if it's an adaptation the guarantee fairy might come by and leave a quarter. But how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer, er, a shitty story that won't make a good movie. The next thing you know there's money missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
Sorry, lapsed into Tommy Boy for a sec.
Anyway, these folks that I'm meeting with want me, or them, to find a book or an article or a something that already exists, and adapt it. Then they want us to go into a studio and sell it. And in that meeting we can go, "Hey, we're not just some idiots making stuff up, you know, like wacky, glue sniffing writers, this thing's a book! It's proven!". Even though it's not and no one reads anything or cares.
It's strange. It's almost like after Harry Potter and Twilight everyone got confused and thought that book = box office gold. But there are like 4 famous books, and then everything else. But I guess it's easier to point to something that already exists than do the hard work of reading a 100 page screenplay that no one else has seen before, and believing in it.
But the script I wrote isn't completely worthless. Not at all. It got me in the door. Now they think I can write something. If some "IP" comes around, they might give me a shot. So there's that.
I just wish I would've known this ahead of time. I could've gotten a gig writing shit for Wired Magazine and cut out the middle man.
More updates as they happen...
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Brad (or is it Chad?) and AshLee. Yes.
Who says you can't find love on The Bachelor? Two of the hit ABC show's former contestants -- AshLee Frazier, fresh off the most recent season of The Bachelor, and Brad Womack, who dumped fiancee Emily Maynard weeks after proposing back in March 2011 -- are now dating, Us Weekly confirms.
The pair first met at an event in Texas, and have been happily hanging out ever since, according to an insider. Frazier, 32, even posted a photo of the pair hugging on her Instagram earlier this week.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
I went through a very dark period when I was a teenager. I call it my black years. That's because I was really into black people. Who was on my wall? Tony Gwynn, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan. In the VCR? Eddie Murphy's "Raw". In my CD player? NWA, R. Kelly, and Tony, Toni, Tone.
I recently found a music video that I've come to realize represents all of my young hopes and dreams. A video that marked a moment in time where I believed anything was possible, that good things can happen. And the fallout from that video dashed my childhood idealism. Crushed my belief system. And turned me into the cynical, bitter human being who now blogs on a 3 to 4 times a week basis.
Before we get to the video, let me set the scene for you. The year was 1990. I was a freshman in high school. There were 3 new kids in school, and I thought they were the coolest dudes around. Their names: Bell, Biv, and Devoe.
Sure, they're used as a punchline now, but that first album was no joke. "Poison", "Do Me", "Dope", "Thought It Was Me", those are all hits, my friend. It is undeniable.
But the group, specifically Biv, was not content to rest on their laurels. He had bigger aspirations. First, he discovered Boyz II Men. Then, he found Another Bad Creation. And that was just the tip of the iceberg!
Because Biv had designs on becoming the next Berry Gordy, and put together a huge roster of other amazing artists. To showcase all of this talent, he produced a song and a video featuring all of them. He called them The East Coast Family. And a 15 year old Irwin Handleman thought he was witnessing the next Motown.
Here is that video:
How can I put how fantastic this is into terms you can understand? Okay, let's say you love, I don't know, what do white people like? Mumford and Sons.
You love Mumford and Sons and can't wait for another album. But before another album comes out, they make a video where, in the span of 4 minutes, you are introduced to 20 other groups that are very similar to Mumford and Sons singing an awesome song. You would shit your pants. The thing you love just got multiplied by 20. Who are these other people who are so similar to the thing you love? Where did they come from? When will their album be out? Oh, the possibilities!
I literally thought that everyone in this video was going to be a Bell Biv Devoe level group. If I was told that any of them had an album at Tower Records, I would've immediately cut school and driven down there and bought it. Well, I wouldn't have cut school. I was a good boy. But right after last period I totally would've gone down there. Cause I believed things could be good!
I mean, Fruit Punch...
Why doesn't he get out much? Is he a singer or a rapper? I wanted to know!
But come on, Fruit Punch doesn't even come close to the most interesting person in this video. You might have your favorites, but mine has to be motherfucking HAYDEN!
Are you kidding me? A chubby white guy with pipes?! Yes, please! How the hell was there never a Hayden album?!! It's a crime. A crime! You couldn't have convinced a young Handleman that Hayden wasn't going straight to the top. Hayden!
Oh, but there's more. Hayden isn't the only white dude in The East Coast Family, cause there's also the Whytgize. Yes, The Whytgize...
Biv cut through all the bullshit and named them the Whytgize. He must have watched the Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC make billions a few years later and wanted to kill himself.
Yo, what about my boy Big Ant...
Hey, they couldn't all be winners.
Alas, it was not to be. Not a single person in this video (besides the ones that were already established) amounted to jack squat. There were no albums. No East Coast Family tours. They vanished.
The dream died. Along with my positive outlook on the world.
Wait. There is actually a future "star" in that video.
That's the black chick from "Community". She beat the odds. She made it! Seriously though, how did Yvette make it and Hayden is selling insurance somewhere?!
Life isn't fair. And that's the lesson that All For One, One For All taught me. Things aren't always good. Just because you have all the talent in the world, like Hayden, doesn't mean you are going to make it. And also, the entertainment business is a fickle beast.
So other than Yvette, they are all gone. Where did they go? I want to see this as a reality show. I wanna know where they are now, what went wrong, what they do for a living. I'll never stop thinking about this. Every time I see an over weight white guy on the street, I'll wonder. Is that Hayden? Or 5 whyt gize singing acapella next to a burning trash can, is that the Whytgize?
You might think I'm joking, but I am really not. If anyone has information about these people, send it my way. This has to be a show on VH1. Or at the very least, VH1 Soul.
I recently found a music video that I've come to realize represents all of my young hopes and dreams. A video that marked a moment in time where I believed anything was possible, that good things can happen. And the fallout from that video dashed my childhood idealism. Crushed my belief system. And turned me into the cynical, bitter human being who now blogs on a 3 to 4 times a week basis.
Before we get to the video, let me set the scene for you. The year was 1990. I was a freshman in high school. There were 3 new kids in school, and I thought they were the coolest dudes around. Their names: Bell, Biv, and Devoe.
Sure, they're used as a punchline now, but that first album was no joke. "Poison", "Do Me", "Dope", "Thought It Was Me", those are all hits, my friend. It is undeniable.
But the group, specifically Biv, was not content to rest on their laurels. He had bigger aspirations. First, he discovered Boyz II Men. Then, he found Another Bad Creation. And that was just the tip of the iceberg!
Because Biv had designs on becoming the next Berry Gordy, and put together a huge roster of other amazing artists. To showcase all of this talent, he produced a song and a video featuring all of them. He called them The East Coast Family. And a 15 year old Irwin Handleman thought he was witnessing the next Motown.
Here is that video:
How can I put how fantastic this is into terms you can understand? Okay, let's say you love, I don't know, what do white people like? Mumford and Sons.
You love Mumford and Sons and can't wait for another album. But before another album comes out, they make a video where, in the span of 4 minutes, you are introduced to 20 other groups that are very similar to Mumford and Sons singing an awesome song. You would shit your pants. The thing you love just got multiplied by 20. Who are these other people who are so similar to the thing you love? Where did they come from? When will their album be out? Oh, the possibilities!
I literally thought that everyone in this video was going to be a Bell Biv Devoe level group. If I was told that any of them had an album at Tower Records, I would've immediately cut school and driven down there and bought it. Well, I wouldn't have cut school. I was a good boy. But right after last period I totally would've gone down there. Cause I believed things could be good!
I mean, Fruit Punch...
Why doesn't he get out much? Is he a singer or a rapper? I wanted to know!
But come on, Fruit Punch doesn't even come close to the most interesting person in this video. You might have your favorites, but mine has to be motherfucking HAYDEN!
Are you kidding me? A chubby white guy with pipes?! Yes, please! How the hell was there never a Hayden album?!! It's a crime. A crime! You couldn't have convinced a young Handleman that Hayden wasn't going straight to the top. Hayden!
Oh, but there's more. Hayden isn't the only white dude in The East Coast Family, cause there's also the Whytgize. Yes, The Whytgize...
Biv cut through all the bullshit and named them the Whytgize. He must have watched the Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC make billions a few years later and wanted to kill himself.
Yo, what about my boy Big Ant...
Hey, they couldn't all be winners.
Alas, it was not to be. Not a single person in this video (besides the ones that were already established) amounted to jack squat. There were no albums. No East Coast Family tours. They vanished.
The dream died. Along with my positive outlook on the world.
Wait. There is actually a future "star" in that video.
That's the black chick from "Community". She beat the odds. She made it! Seriously though, how did Yvette make it and Hayden is selling insurance somewhere?!
Life isn't fair. And that's the lesson that All For One, One For All taught me. Things aren't always good. Just because you have all the talent in the world, like Hayden, doesn't mean you are going to make it. And also, the entertainment business is a fickle beast.
So other than Yvette, they are all gone. Where did they go? I want to see this as a reality show. I wanna know where they are now, what went wrong, what they do for a living. I'll never stop thinking about this. Every time I see an over weight white guy on the street, I'll wonder. Is that Hayden? Or 5 whyt gize singing acapella next to a burning trash can, is that the Whytgize?
You might think I'm joking, but I am really not. If anyone has information about these people, send it my way. This has to be a show on VH1. Or at the very least, VH1 Soul.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Let me describe something that happened to me today that seemingly happens on most days.
I'm at home. Enjoying an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 on Soap Net. In this particular instance, the episode features the dramatic moment when Dylan and Kelly inform Brenda that they are going out, and even worse, they were fooling around during the summer while Brenda was in Paris.
There is no reason that they needed to tell Brenda about the summer thing. None! And yet Kelly insisted on it. Further backing my theory that the more you watch 90210, the more you realize that Kelly, not Valerie, is the true villain of the show.
But I digress. I'm not here to debate Kelly Taylor's inherent evilness. That's a blog for another day.
This is about something else. About halfway through the show, I had to go. I had a meeting (which I will post about soon). So just as Kelly is about to twist the knife into Brenda's back and front, I had to turn the TV off and get in my car.
As I push the button to start the car, the radio turns on. And I listen to...whatever is on the radio. Here's what I don't listen to: the ending to that 90210!
And the question is, why the hell not?
My TV should also be on my radio.
Now, here's what you dummies in the audience are thinking right now: "because you won't be able to see it".
Are you made up people really that stupid? Do you know how many times I've seen that episode of 90210? I don't have to see it. I just want to listen to it. Hell, between my laptop, Ipad, Iphone, Kindle Fire, that's all I was doing at home on my couch anyway.
And the same goes for Friends, Who's the Boss?, Seinfeld, and all of the other crap I "watch" on a daily basis. You're telling me you wouldn't enjoy listening to the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld in your car? Of course you would.
Your TV should also be your radio. There should be no difference. No one is looking at the TV anymore. It's simple, and it's obvious, and it must be done.
And yet...my buddy Jamathew claims that he was talking to a bigwig who actually might have the power to do something like this, and the guy said it was a stupid idea. What?! He's stupid! Or else he hates money. Cause this is a million dollar idea.
Can any of you out there give me one good reason why this isn't a thing? And if not, do you have the number for the Shark Tank?
I'm at home. Enjoying an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 on Soap Net. In this particular instance, the episode features the dramatic moment when Dylan and Kelly inform Brenda that they are going out, and even worse, they were fooling around during the summer while Brenda was in Paris.
There is no reason that they needed to tell Brenda about the summer thing. None! And yet Kelly insisted on it. Further backing my theory that the more you watch 90210, the more you realize that Kelly, not Valerie, is the true villain of the show.
But I digress. I'm not here to debate Kelly Taylor's inherent evilness. That's a blog for another day.
This is about something else. About halfway through the show, I had to go. I had a meeting (which I will post about soon). So just as Kelly is about to twist the knife into Brenda's back and front, I had to turn the TV off and get in my car.
As I push the button to start the car, the radio turns on. And I listen to...whatever is on the radio. Here's what I don't listen to: the ending to that 90210!
And the question is, why the hell not?
My TV should also be on my radio.
Now, here's what you dummies in the audience are thinking right now: "because you won't be able to see it".
Are you made up people really that stupid? Do you know how many times I've seen that episode of 90210? I don't have to see it. I just want to listen to it. Hell, between my laptop, Ipad, Iphone, Kindle Fire, that's all I was doing at home on my couch anyway.
And the same goes for Friends, Who's the Boss?, Seinfeld, and all of the other crap I "watch" on a daily basis. You're telling me you wouldn't enjoy listening to the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld in your car? Of course you would.
Your TV should also be your radio. There should be no difference. No one is looking at the TV anymore. It's simple, and it's obvious, and it must be done.
And yet...my buddy Jamathew claims that he was talking to a bigwig who actually might have the power to do something like this, and the guy said it was a stupid idea. What?! He's stupid! Or else he hates money. Cause this is a million dollar idea.
Can any of you out there give me one good reason why this isn't a thing? And if not, do you have the number for the Shark Tank?
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Well, my first ever Yelp review has been immediately met with a response with the owner of Leafy Greens.
When I got the email notifying me that my review had been replied to, I was kinda freaked out. Even though my criticism was totally on point, I felt bad. I was mad at myself for not putting a ton of effort into my review. If I had known this dude was actually going to read it, I would've given it the care and detail I put into my blog post.
Anyway, I was so upset about this, that I didn't read his response all day. But tonight, I finally checked out what "Rich W.", owner of Leafy Greens, had to say for himself. And to my great surprise, he wholeheartedly agreed with everything I said!
Here's what Rich wrote:
In my Yelp review, I advised the owners to take a field trip to Greenleaf to see what's possible in the salad industry. And for the record, my salad at Leafy Greens cost exactly the same as my salad at Greenleaf. So whatever to that "high end/expensive dining option" shit.
Why you would put a salad place in the middle of a "high end" neighborhood and shoot for grocery store level quality is beyond me. Why have a great salad place when we can have an average one! Shoot for the stars there, Rich.
Sadly, my treks to Beverly Hills will have to continue for the foreseeable future...
When I got the email notifying me that my review had been replied to, I was kinda freaked out. Even though my criticism was totally on point, I felt bad. I was mad at myself for not putting a ton of effort into my review. If I had known this dude was actually going to read it, I would've given it the care and detail I put into my blog post.
Anyway, I was so upset about this, that I didn't read his response all day. But tonight, I finally checked out what "Rich W.", owner of Leafy Greens, had to say for himself. And to my great surprise, he wholeheartedly agreed with everything I said!
Here's what Rich wrote:
Thank you for stopping in to Leafy Greens and thank you for your candid feedback. Your take away is quite accurate, that is exactly the feel we are aiming for. The intention with bringing the "your local salad bar" concept to the downtown MB area was not to create yet another high end, gourmet or expensive dining option for patrons but rather a casual quick, healthy and affordable choice of eatery where they can dine downtown more often. The feedback we have received from the many satisfied customers who have frequented Leafy Greens is that they are so pleased they now have somewhere quick, healthy and affordable they can enjoy daily with a similar feel to the local bakery, coffee shop, deli, etc. all found within a grocery store :)
In my Yelp review, I advised the owners to take a field trip to Greenleaf to see what's possible in the salad industry. And for the record, my salad at Leafy Greens cost exactly the same as my salad at Greenleaf. So whatever to that "high end/expensive dining option" shit.
Why you would put a salad place in the middle of a "high end" neighborhood and shoot for grocery store level quality is beyond me. Why have a great salad place when we can have an average one! Shoot for the stars there, Rich.
Sadly, my treks to Beverly Hills will have to continue for the foreseeable future...
Monday, 1 April 2013
I was forced to write my first Yelp review today. I didn't want to do it. I don't like to participate, but it had to be done. Why? Because salads were involved.
Let's back up for a second.
I wouldn't describe myself as a salad lover as much as I am a salad buff, or a salad philosopher. I have a lot of theories on salads, and all of them are correct. I know this because I have given salads a ton of thought. Or at least more thought than you have.
I didn't have a perfect attendance in high school, but I did have a perfect record of having a salad for lunch every day. A record that extends to my professional career, where some have even taken to calling me "Steak Salad" Handleman.
Listen, I can list my salad credits and accomplishments all day, but that's a waste of time. Either you're on board or not. So let's go.
The best 'salads only' restaurant in the world is GreenLeaf in Beverly Hills. They now have a couple more locations, but I'll never forget my first trip to Greenleaf when it first opened. I had so many hopes and dreams tied up in that place, and it did not disappoint me.
The owners of Greenleaf know their salads. More importantly, they know FREEDOM. Because when it comes to salads, I am pro-choice. Guess what? Not everyone wants cheese in their salad. And yet others insist on it! We must have the right to make decisions regarding our own salads.
Hence, we need to build our own salads.
But really, freedom in salad is nothing when not combined with one other thing. And that other thing is the number 1 most important rule of salad. Without it, a good portion of deliciousness is lost. It's this:
A salad is a thousand times more enjoyable if SOMEONE ELSE MAKES IT.
It doesn't take a Top Chef to understand and utilize the freedom component. But 99% of the time they have no grasp of the someone else making it thing.
It's simple. And it is true. There is something about making a salad yourself that kinda ruins it. You know the parts too well. But when it appears before you, freshly tossed by someone else, it is a perfect, synchronous whole.
This is the genius of Greenleaf. They let you build your salad, and then they make it.
Of course, others do that. But Greenleaf is better at it. And their shit is fresh. These salad bars feel like they've been sitting out there for days. Not Greenleaf. I mean, check out this corn!
I would fucking sleep in that pan if it was socially acceptable and wouldn't ruin Greenleaf's perfect "A" rating.
Greenleaf also understands the importance of bowls. Yes, bowls. Bowls can make or break a salad. How the fuck is Souplantation gonna hand me a plate?! A plate! It's a salad. It needs a bowl. The words "salad" and "bowl" are connected for a reason. Behold, the Greenleaf bowl:
Isn't that glorious? Tossed by loving, Mexican hands, in a comfortable, well-sized bowl.
What was the point all of this? I forget. Oh yeah! That Yelp review. No, it wasn't for Greenleaf, it was for a different place.
Because I don't live in Beverly Hills. I live too far to go there every day as I would prefer. I live in a place with no Greenleaf. Even worse, I live in a place with zero salad centric restaurants. Until now.
A new salad place just opened in Manhattan Beach called...Leafy Greens. Jesus Christ, if you flip flop those words, you practically get Greenleaf!
Needless to say, I was excited. I like green. I like leafy. What could go wrong? I hopped on my bike and rode my romaine loving ass down there today to check it out.
I walked in and found an assortment of salad toppings to choose from. And zero people working there.
Just so you know, there is an ARMY OF PEOPLE working at Greenleaf. Mixing, tossing, cutting corn, it's a flurry of activity and freshness. So the fact that no one was in his place was a very bad sign.
And sure enough, Leafy Greens turned out to be just a regular old stupid salad bar that you can find at any commissary anywhere in the world. Heck, there's a better salad bar at every Ralph's Supermarket I've ever been to.
Defeated, I built a salad. I wasn't gonna waste my bike ride. Oh, the indignity of building it myself. I got done and some teenage girl comes out and weighs it and charges me 12 bucks. I came home. Disgusted.
And I wrote my first Yelp, telling the owners, if they were reading, to go on a field trip. To Greenleaf. To study the art of salad. Until then, I am screwed. But with any luck, they'll read the review, and take the advice of ol' Steak Salad Handleman.
Let's back up for a second.
I wouldn't describe myself as a salad lover as much as I am a salad buff, or a salad philosopher. I have a lot of theories on salads, and all of them are correct. I know this because I have given salads a ton of thought. Or at least more thought than you have.
I didn't have a perfect attendance in high school, but I did have a perfect record of having a salad for lunch every day. A record that extends to my professional career, where some have even taken to calling me "Steak Salad" Handleman.
Listen, I can list my salad credits and accomplishments all day, but that's a waste of time. Either you're on board or not. So let's go.
The best 'salads only' restaurant in the world is GreenLeaf in Beverly Hills. They now have a couple more locations, but I'll never forget my first trip to Greenleaf when it first opened. I had so many hopes and dreams tied up in that place, and it did not disappoint me.
The owners of Greenleaf know their salads. More importantly, they know FREEDOM. Because when it comes to salads, I am pro-choice. Guess what? Not everyone wants cheese in their salad. And yet others insist on it! We must have the right to make decisions regarding our own salads.
Hence, we need to build our own salads.
But really, freedom in salad is nothing when not combined with one other thing. And that other thing is the number 1 most important rule of salad. Without it, a good portion of deliciousness is lost. It's this:
A salad is a thousand times more enjoyable if SOMEONE ELSE MAKES IT.
It doesn't take a Top Chef to understand and utilize the freedom component. But 99% of the time they have no grasp of the someone else making it thing.
It's simple. And it is true. There is something about making a salad yourself that kinda ruins it. You know the parts too well. But when it appears before you, freshly tossed by someone else, it is a perfect, synchronous whole.
This is the genius of Greenleaf. They let you build your salad, and then they make it.
Of course, others do that. But Greenleaf is better at it. And their shit is fresh. These salad bars feel like they've been sitting out there for days. Not Greenleaf. I mean, check out this corn!
Greenleaf also understands the importance of bowls. Yes, bowls. Bowls can make or break a salad. How the fuck is Souplantation gonna hand me a plate?! A plate! It's a salad. It needs a bowl. The words "salad" and "bowl" are connected for a reason. Behold, the Greenleaf bowl:
Isn't that glorious? Tossed by loving, Mexican hands, in a comfortable, well-sized bowl.
What was the point all of this? I forget. Oh yeah! That Yelp review. No, it wasn't for Greenleaf, it was for a different place.
Because I don't live in Beverly Hills. I live too far to go there every day as I would prefer. I live in a place with no Greenleaf. Even worse, I live in a place with zero salad centric restaurants. Until now.
A new salad place just opened in Manhattan Beach called...Leafy Greens. Jesus Christ, if you flip flop those words, you practically get Greenleaf!
Needless to say, I was excited. I like green. I like leafy. What could go wrong? I hopped on my bike and rode my romaine loving ass down there today to check it out.
I walked in and found an assortment of salad toppings to choose from. And zero people working there.
Just so you know, there is an ARMY OF PEOPLE working at Greenleaf. Mixing, tossing, cutting corn, it's a flurry of activity and freshness. So the fact that no one was in his place was a very bad sign.
And sure enough, Leafy Greens turned out to be just a regular old stupid salad bar that you can find at any commissary anywhere in the world. Heck, there's a better salad bar at every Ralph's Supermarket I've ever been to.
Defeated, I built a salad. I wasn't gonna waste my bike ride. Oh, the indignity of building it myself. I got done and some teenage girl comes out and weighs it and charges me 12 bucks. I came home. Disgusted.
And I wrote my first Yelp, telling the owners, if they were reading, to go on a field trip. To Greenleaf. To study the art of salad. Until then, I am screwed. But with any luck, they'll read the review, and take the advice of ol' Steak Salad Handleman.
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Okay, let's get this out of the way first. The new season of The Real World, in Portland, features a cast member who was born without a hand. This comes after a season of The Bachelor which had a girl who was born without an arm. Is this a new trend in reality show casting? If this keeps up, we're just gonna be watching drunken torsos arguing with each other.
Moving on, since The Real World is starting up again, Vulture ranked the best Real World seasons of all time. As I am the foremost authority on The Real World, it's a list specifically designed to make me angry. And it succeeded.
As you know, I've seen every season of The Real World and The Challenges. I know my stuff. More importantly, my opinions are correct and cannot be questioned or challenged.
Sadly, we are coming off one of the worst seasons in Real World history. A season which almost forced me to quit watching. It featured the most unattractive group of horrible looking losers the show has ever seen. And I'm not one of these guys who longs for the old days, I'm not sentimental or grading on a curve, the St. Thomas season would be an abomination no matter when it aired.
It and Brooklyn are by far the worst seasons ever, with London nipping at their heels. In the biggest travesty of that Vulture article, they have London ranked 7th. HA!!! That shit was excruciating. Every single person in the cast sucked, except for that British dude who got his tongue bitten off. And even that wasn't that cool, cause he kinda asked for it.
Also, they have Hawaii at 5. Hawaii was garbage.
But the biggest falsehood in the list and that I've seen elsewhere is that the first Las Vegas season somehow killed the show, or ruined it somehow. Bullshit! The Vegas season saved the show. It became the model for all future seasons. You know what would've killed the show? Another season like London. That version of The Real World was headed for a burial plot right next to Road Rules.
Vegas realized the value of casting hot people and having hot tubs. Of infrared cameras. Of cocaine and condoms.
You don't want another Real World that is completely like it. But you want every Real World to at least have some of it.
Here, without further ado, are the top 6 Real World season of all time:
Las Vegas I
San Francisco
Seattle
New Orleans I
San Diego
Los Angeles
If The Real World was like the NBA and you needed an All Star team, this would be mine:
Isaac (Australia. Co-Captain of the All Star Team. Easily the coolest, funniest dude in Real World history. )
Melissa (New Orleans. Co-Captain. Easily the funniest/hot girl in Real World history)
Dustin (Vegas II. The man did gay porn and got a female roommate to date him. Respect)
Trishelle (Vegas I)
Eric (New York I)
David/Stephen/Irene (Seattle)
Tami (Los Angeles. Token black girl on the squad. She's so good at reality shows, she's still on one - now on "Basketball Wives")
David (New Orleans I. Token black guy. Come on be my baby tonight)
2nd TEAM
David (Los Angeles)
Rachel (San Francisco)
Brad (San Diego I)
Jonna (Cancun)
Ace (Paris)
Cameron (San Diego I)
Alton (Vegas I)
Coral (New York II)
The Beast (San Diego II)
Joey (Hollywood. Where's Joey?! Joey's dead)
Puck was a first teamer, but the team voted to kick him off for unsportsmanlike behavior (it involved peanut butter).
Getting back to the present, I enjoyed the first episode of this Portland season. Yes, the cast doesn't have as many hands as I would like, but still. There's at least one cute girl and multiple crazies. That's a winning formula.
Even more encouraging, the producers have decided to enter a sassy black girl into the mix at some point during the season, who looks like she will fist fight everyone. It probably won't be enough to crack the top five of all time Real World seasons, but it's fist fights! And sassiness! London didn't have any of that.
Moving on, since The Real World is starting up again, Vulture ranked the best Real World seasons of all time. As I am the foremost authority on The Real World, it's a list specifically designed to make me angry. And it succeeded.
As you know, I've seen every season of The Real World and The Challenges. I know my stuff. More importantly, my opinions are correct and cannot be questioned or challenged.
Sadly, we are coming off one of the worst seasons in Real World history. A season which almost forced me to quit watching. It featured the most unattractive group of horrible looking losers the show has ever seen. And I'm not one of these guys who longs for the old days, I'm not sentimental or grading on a curve, the St. Thomas season would be an abomination no matter when it aired.
It and Brooklyn are by far the worst seasons ever, with London nipping at their heels. In the biggest travesty of that Vulture article, they have London ranked 7th. HA!!! That shit was excruciating. Every single person in the cast sucked, except for that British dude who got his tongue bitten off. And even that wasn't that cool, cause he kinda asked for it.
Also, they have Hawaii at 5. Hawaii was garbage.
But the biggest falsehood in the list and that I've seen elsewhere is that the first Las Vegas season somehow killed the show, or ruined it somehow. Bullshit! The Vegas season saved the show. It became the model for all future seasons. You know what would've killed the show? Another season like London. That version of The Real World was headed for a burial plot right next to Road Rules.
Vegas realized the value of casting hot people and having hot tubs. Of infrared cameras. Of cocaine and condoms.
You don't want another Real World that is completely like it. But you want every Real World to at least have some of it.
Here, without further ado, are the top 6 Real World season of all time:
Las Vegas I
San Francisco
Seattle
New Orleans I
San Diego
Los Angeles
If The Real World was like the NBA and you needed an All Star team, this would be mine:
Isaac (Australia. Co-Captain of the All Star Team. Easily the coolest, funniest dude in Real World history. )
Melissa (New Orleans. Co-Captain. Easily the funniest/hot girl in Real World history)
Dustin (Vegas II. The man did gay porn and got a female roommate to date him. Respect)
Trishelle (Vegas I)
Eric (New York I)
David/Stephen/Irene (Seattle)
Tami (Los Angeles. Token black girl on the squad. She's so good at reality shows, she's still on one - now on "Basketball Wives")
David (New Orleans I. Token black guy. Come on be my baby tonight)
2nd TEAM
David (Los Angeles)
Rachel (San Francisco)
Brad (San Diego I)
Jonna (Cancun)
Ace (Paris)
Cameron (San Diego I)
Alton (Vegas I)
Coral (New York II)
The Beast (San Diego II)
Joey (Hollywood. Where's Joey?! Joey's dead)
Puck was a first teamer, but the team voted to kick him off for unsportsmanlike behavior (it involved peanut butter).
Getting back to the present, I enjoyed the first episode of this Portland season. Yes, the cast doesn't have as many hands as I would like, but still. There's at least one cute girl and multiple crazies. That's a winning formula.
Even more encouraging, the producers have decided to enter a sassy black girl into the mix at some point during the season, who looks like she will fist fight everyone. It probably won't be enough to crack the top five of all time Real World seasons, but it's fist fights! And sassiness! London didn't have any of that.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Sorry, another reading assignment. Check out this blog post about screenwriting arbitration by Doug Richardson. Doug is a screenwriter and writes one of my favorite blogs - he posts once a week and it's always a great (and usually painful) Hollywood story.
This one was given a shout out by Deadline Hollywood and I'm mentioning it for two reasons. 1) I went through arbitration on "In the Mix", and it was hell. And 2) An odd coincidence happened today. After reading Doug's post, specifically this portion of it:
"I can, though, tell you what I think drives way too many writers into wrangling for undeserved onscreen recognition.
Money.
The most obvious of motives are the hefty residuals that can be banked after a hit movie and also the potential for later employment by studios who generally prefer to hire writers with successful track records."
My mail arrived. I went downstairs and lo and behold, there was a green envelope waiting for me. The WGA sends out residual checks in green envelopes. Excitedly, I tore it open. And this is what was inside.
Hefty residuals!
This one was given a shout out by Deadline Hollywood and I'm mentioning it for two reasons. 1) I went through arbitration on "In the Mix", and it was hell. And 2) An odd coincidence happened today. After reading Doug's post, specifically this portion of it:
"I can, though, tell you what I think drives way too many writers into wrangling for undeserved onscreen recognition.
Money.
The most obvious of motives are the hefty residuals that can be banked after a hit movie and also the potential for later employment by studios who generally prefer to hire writers with successful track records."
My mail arrived. I went downstairs and lo and behold, there was a green envelope waiting for me. The WGA sends out residual checks in green envelopes. Excitedly, I tore it open. And this is what was inside.
Hefty residuals!
Monday, 25 March 2013
I highly recommend reading this long New York Magazine article about The Today Show.
I don't care about The Today Show, I don't watch any of those morning talk shows - there are reruns of 90210 at the same time and I have my priorities. Yet, it's still a great read. I guess morning talk shows are like late night talk shows - more fun to read and talk about than to actually watch.
But I do know two people who do watch. Who are experts on the Today Show. They are my mom and my dad. And long before Ann Curry was forced out of the show, they would go on at length about how awful she was. They are die hard Today Show fans, and they said Ann Curry sucked.
And in every piece I've read on the situation, including the one linked above, that seems to be the acknowledged truth. She struggled in the job and ratings declined. So why then, do I also keep hearing and reading stuff like this:
“I think it’s unfair to blame Ann for any of the problems that she had,” says Nicholas Kristof, the Times columnist and a close friend of Curry’s. “They were incredibly lucky to have stabbed in the back somebody who wasn’t in the least vindictive and had the interest of the Today show at heart even after they treated her so wretchedly.”
Stabbed in the back? First of all, she got $12 million dollars and a production deal. Let me repeat that, she got $12 million dollars and a production deal! We should all be stabbed in the back with that kind of cash.
Second of all, she wasn't performing at her job. What were they supposed to do? I could write a list of at least a hundred NFL players who were cut by their teams this off season. They had contracts, but they weren't worth the amount they were getting paid. Is America crying for them?
So after 20 years, Matt Lauer is suddenly an asshole. He's been fine with Katie Couric, and Meredith Viera, and now this chick can't carry her own weight and he's the dick? I don't get it. People don't appreciate goodness. Those people were good at what they did, but no, let's rally behind the girl who stinks!
And I just watched Ann Curry's final goodbye for the first time. Holy hell.
Yeah, she's just doing this gig for us. That's why she's doing it. It's us. That's why she accepted the $12 million, for us!
Shut up. You weren't good enough, and you got fired. It happens. You weren't owed that job. I'm sure NBC handled it poorly, because NBC handles everything poorly. But if you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for Jay Leno. Cause he's actually good at his job and is getting fucked.
Read the article. It's interesting.
Pneumonia free!
I don't care about The Today Show, I don't watch any of those morning talk shows - there are reruns of 90210 at the same time and I have my priorities. Yet, it's still a great read. I guess morning talk shows are like late night talk shows - more fun to read and talk about than to actually watch.
But I do know two people who do watch. Who are experts on the Today Show. They are my mom and my dad. And long before Ann Curry was forced out of the show, they would go on at length about how awful she was. They are die hard Today Show fans, and they said Ann Curry sucked.
And in every piece I've read on the situation, including the one linked above, that seems to be the acknowledged truth. She struggled in the job and ratings declined. So why then, do I also keep hearing and reading stuff like this:
“I think it’s unfair to blame Ann for any of the problems that she had,” says Nicholas Kristof, the Times columnist and a close friend of Curry’s. “They were incredibly lucky to have stabbed in the back somebody who wasn’t in the least vindictive and had the interest of the Today show at heart even after they treated her so wretchedly.”
Stabbed in the back? First of all, she got $12 million dollars and a production deal. Let me repeat that, she got $12 million dollars and a production deal! We should all be stabbed in the back with that kind of cash.
Second of all, she wasn't performing at her job. What were they supposed to do? I could write a list of at least a hundred NFL players who were cut by their teams this off season. They had contracts, but they weren't worth the amount they were getting paid. Is America crying for them?
So after 20 years, Matt Lauer is suddenly an asshole. He's been fine with Katie Couric, and Meredith Viera, and now this chick can't carry her own weight and he's the dick? I don't get it. People don't appreciate goodness. Those people were good at what they did, but no, let's rally behind the girl who stinks!
And I just watched Ann Curry's final goodbye for the first time. Holy hell.
Yeah, she's just doing this gig for us. That's why she's doing it. It's us. That's why she accepted the $12 million, for us!
Shut up. You weren't good enough, and you got fired. It happens. You weren't owed that job. I'm sure NBC handled it poorly, because NBC handles everything poorly. But if you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for Jay Leno. Cause he's actually good at his job and is getting fucked.
Read the article. It's interesting.
Pneumonia free!
Monday, 18 March 2013
Everyone calm down. I'm going to be fine. The news that "Bachelor Pad" isn't coming back this summer is way worse.
With this double whammy of horribleness, I will be taking the week off to focus on my anti-biotic regimen and plot revenge on Mike Fleiss. Feel free to check out other blogs, see what's out there, but don't forget all of the things I've done for you.
And just to squash the rumors right now, no, Selma did not mail me anthrax. As far as we know.
With this double whammy of horribleness, I will be taking the week off to focus on my anti-biotic regimen and plot revenge on Mike Fleiss. Feel free to check out other blogs, see what's out there, but don't forget all of the things I've done for you.
And just to squash the rumors right now, no, Selma did not mail me anthrax. As far as we know.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
After I recommended that you watch The Staircase, some of you have left comments and emailed me about it. The final installment has aired, so now I feel free to wrap things up.
SPOILERS AHEAD
If you didn't watch it, The Staircase is a documentary about a guy arrested for murdering his wife and the subsequent trial in North Carolina. His wife was found at the bottom of the stairs, blood everywhere, with lacerations to the back of her head.
The documentary is great because the case is filled with twists and turns, and tons of weirdo characters that only the south could produce. Some of the twists and turns:
It comes out right before the trial that the husband is bi-sexual. And there's a really funny male prostitute who testifies.
His two adopted daughters believe in their dad. His step-daughter, doesn't.
The husband, along with his kids, are living in the house where the wife died, and the blood is still there. This is years later! They are living in a bloody house. It would be like OJ's kids living at Nicole's condo and no one ever cleaning up. Very creepy.
Coincidentally, 17 years before, another woman who was last seen with the husband was found dead at the bottom of a staircase. Oh, and that woman, just happens to be his adopted daughter's birth mother.
The prosecutors claim that the lacerations made to the wife's head were from a fireplace blow poke, which they say has mysteriously disappeared. Near the end of the trial, the blow poke is discovered, and it's pretty clear that it wasn't used in the murder.
By the end of the trial, it seems like the jury has to come back with a Not Guilty verdict. The prosecution is made up of a bunch of hillbillies and they are bad at their job. The defense is pretty great. Alas, the verdict comes back Guilty. Because the jury is a bunch of hillbillies too, and they only understand hillbilly language.
He goes to jail. And that's the end of the documentary. But then there's an update...
All of his appeals have failed. He's still in jail. He looks like he has a foot in the grave. It's just depressing. But then, in another twist, it is discovered that the Prosecution's star witness is a liar. He has tampered with evidence in hundreds of cases, causing a bunch of verdicts in North Carolina to be reviewed and overturned. Including the husband's.
So he gets out of jail. The state still has to decide if they want to retry him. I doubt they will.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
The craziest part about this crazy documentary is that the craziest twist of all isn't even in it. And that is...
The Owl Theory
Throughout the case, you become resigned to the fact that you're never gonna know what really happened that night. You know the husband is bizarre, and his version doesn't totally add up, and neither does the prosecutions. It just becomes about the case and if there is reasonable doubt.
But after going to jail, a new theory is presented, and an attempt to explain what really happened. A theory that, as insane as it is, seems to make a shit load of sense. That theory is that an owl did it. An owl killed the wife. An owl caused the lacerations on her head. She ran inside, and fell at the stairs. And she bled out and died.
Seems pretty improbable. However, the wife just happened to have a feather from an owl clutched in her hand, along with clumps of her hair and needles from a tree. The lacerations match an owl's talons. In the neighborhood they live in, owl attacks are fairly common.
I never thought this would end with a guilty owl, but I am sold.
SPOILERS AHEAD
If you didn't watch it, The Staircase is a documentary about a guy arrested for murdering his wife and the subsequent trial in North Carolina. His wife was found at the bottom of the stairs, blood everywhere, with lacerations to the back of her head.
The documentary is great because the case is filled with twists and turns, and tons of weirdo characters that only the south could produce. Some of the twists and turns:
It comes out right before the trial that the husband is bi-sexual. And there's a really funny male prostitute who testifies.
His two adopted daughters believe in their dad. His step-daughter, doesn't.
The husband, along with his kids, are living in the house where the wife died, and the blood is still there. This is years later! They are living in a bloody house. It would be like OJ's kids living at Nicole's condo and no one ever cleaning up. Very creepy.
Coincidentally, 17 years before, another woman who was last seen with the husband was found dead at the bottom of a staircase. Oh, and that woman, just happens to be his adopted daughter's birth mother.
The prosecutors claim that the lacerations made to the wife's head were from a fireplace blow poke, which they say has mysteriously disappeared. Near the end of the trial, the blow poke is discovered, and it's pretty clear that it wasn't used in the murder.
By the end of the trial, it seems like the jury has to come back with a Not Guilty verdict. The prosecution is made up of a bunch of hillbillies and they are bad at their job. The defense is pretty great. Alas, the verdict comes back Guilty. Because the jury is a bunch of hillbillies too, and they only understand hillbilly language.
He goes to jail. And that's the end of the documentary. But then there's an update...
All of his appeals have failed. He's still in jail. He looks like he has a foot in the grave. It's just depressing. But then, in another twist, it is discovered that the Prosecution's star witness is a liar. He has tampered with evidence in hundreds of cases, causing a bunch of verdicts in North Carolina to be reviewed and overturned. Including the husband's.
So he gets out of jail. The state still has to decide if they want to retry him. I doubt they will.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
The craziest part about this crazy documentary is that the craziest twist of all isn't even in it. And that is...
The Owl Theory
Throughout the case, you become resigned to the fact that you're never gonna know what really happened that night. You know the husband is bizarre, and his version doesn't totally add up, and neither does the prosecutions. It just becomes about the case and if there is reasonable doubt.
But after going to jail, a new theory is presented, and an attempt to explain what really happened. A theory that, as insane as it is, seems to make a shit load of sense. That theory is that an owl did it. An owl killed the wife. An owl caused the lacerations on her head. She ran inside, and fell at the stairs. And she bled out and died.
Seems pretty improbable. However, the wife just happened to have a feather from an owl clutched in her hand, along with clumps of her hair and needles from a tree. The lacerations match an owl's talons. In the neighborhood they live in, owl attacks are fairly common.
I never thought this would end with a guilty owl, but I am sold.
Monday, 11 March 2013
Okay. Live studio audience. Chris Harrison. And out comes Sean. He is beaming. He says how in love he is. It seems like he means it.
I know the question you are all asking. And the answer is yes, Sean sorta did change his haircut. He's got a mini-Flock of Seagulls thing going on now. I think he's gotten a lot skinnier or something. I hope he didn't lose any of his pec fat.
Lindsay comes out. This should be delightfully uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of her florally dress, but she looks pretty good. She asks Sean what happened. Um, he liked another girl more than you. That's the basic summary.
Sean claims he didn't know who he was gonna pick until that final week. If I were Catherine, I wouldn't be too pleased to hear that. When I go on dates, I'm always sure to mention how there's another girl that I like but I can't figure out who I like more.
Lindsay asks him when he knew, and he says, very stupidly, "it was after our final one on one". Ouch. You can't say it was earlier or else she'd be like, "but you had sex with me!" So that's the answer you have to give. She follows up with, the obvious girl question, "what specifically on that date?" And he brushes it aside, "it wasn't any specific thing".
Lindsay says she's grown up so much. She's 25 now, you guys. She can rent cars now without adult supervision.
Lindsay leaves. Catherine comes out. You can tell me if the ring is any good, I can't tell. Sean's kinda looking weird...
Too much lipstick and too much skinniness. You're a meat head, dude, run with it.
Sean calls Catherine his "best friend". Okay, that's a lie. She's not your best friend. You've known her for a month. That's an insult to your frat bros, at the very least.
I hate the way Catherine talks when she's talking seriously.
I take it back. I hate the way Catherine talks.
Chris says Sean has "turned into a ballbag". I'll let that stand for itself.
There is no wedding date yet (of course not). The big announcement is that their wedding is going to be on TV. That's not a Bachelor first, that's actually a Bachelor third.
What a weird thing to announce as big news. "Yey. It's ABC programming!"
Chris asks if she's moving to Texas. Sean does a big dodge and says life is full of curveballs. So it sounds like he's moving to LA.
You know why this worked? Because Sean is a born again virgin or whatever. Only people who are waiting for marriage to have sex are this eager to get married. It won't work with people who get to have good ol' fashioned single person fun. There's no reason to get hitched.
Okay, time for The Bachelorette announcement. It is...
DESIREE
Wow, Lindsay gets fucked twice. She kind of got hosed, no?
Thankfully, Des is sticking to the no bangs look. Even better, we're getting the brother next season! That's gonna be fun for me.
On the other hand, it's kind of a bummer. Selma was my first choice, obviously. And I think AshLee would've made better TV. And Lesley is better overall. But whatever, at least she's better than Jillian.
Desiree says she can "handle" 25 men. Tent chicks are whores.
Until the summer...goodnight!
I know the question you are all asking. And the answer is yes, Sean sorta did change his haircut. He's got a mini-Flock of Seagulls thing going on now. I think he's gotten a lot skinnier or something. I hope he didn't lose any of his pec fat.
Lindsay comes out. This should be delightfully uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of her florally dress, but she looks pretty good. She asks Sean what happened. Um, he liked another girl more than you. That's the basic summary.
Sean claims he didn't know who he was gonna pick until that final week. If I were Catherine, I wouldn't be too pleased to hear that. When I go on dates, I'm always sure to mention how there's another girl that I like but I can't figure out who I like more.
Lindsay asks him when he knew, and he says, very stupidly, "it was after our final one on one". Ouch. You can't say it was earlier or else she'd be like, "but you had sex with me!" So that's the answer you have to give. She follows up with, the obvious girl question, "what specifically on that date?" And he brushes it aside, "it wasn't any specific thing".
Lindsay says she's grown up so much. She's 25 now, you guys. She can rent cars now without adult supervision.
Lindsay leaves. Catherine comes out. You can tell me if the ring is any good, I can't tell. Sean's kinda looking weird...
Too much lipstick and too much skinniness. You're a meat head, dude, run with it.
Sean calls Catherine his "best friend". Okay, that's a lie. She's not your best friend. You've known her for a month. That's an insult to your frat bros, at the very least.
I hate the way Catherine talks when she's talking seriously.
I take it back. I hate the way Catherine talks.
Chris says Sean has "turned into a ballbag". I'll let that stand for itself.
There is no wedding date yet (of course not). The big announcement is that their wedding is going to be on TV. That's not a Bachelor first, that's actually a Bachelor third.
What a weird thing to announce as big news. "Yey. It's ABC programming!"
Chris asks if she's moving to Texas. Sean does a big dodge and says life is full of curveballs. So it sounds like he's moving to LA.
You know why this worked? Because Sean is a born again virgin or whatever. Only people who are waiting for marriage to have sex are this eager to get married. It won't work with people who get to have good ol' fashioned single person fun. There's no reason to get hitched.
Okay, time for The Bachelorette announcement. It is...
DESIREE
Wow, Lindsay gets fucked twice. She kind of got hosed, no?
Thankfully, Des is sticking to the no bangs look. Even better, we're getting the brother next season! That's gonna be fun for me.
On the other hand, it's kind of a bummer. Selma was my first choice, obviously. And I think AshLee would've made better TV. And Lesley is better overall. But whatever, at least she's better than Jillian.
Desiree says she can "handle" 25 men. Tent chicks are whores.
Until the summer...goodnight!
This is the end. And that means "a historic 3 hour finale", or so says Chris Harrison. Not sure what's historic about it, they do this shit twice a year. But they will announce the next Bachelorette, so that's something. Not history, but something.
Chris also promises "late breaking news" and says it's a "Bachelor first". A wedding date? I would hope it's more than that. Well, I guess if it's not him telling us that he's already broken up with his new fiance, than that would be a first.
We return to Thailand. I'm disappointed in all of you for not recognizing my Ames' jokes last time, so I'm not doing anymore of them. That is your punishment.
Sean's family arrives, and to no one's surprise, they are all shirtless. Actually, they are wearing shirts, but I'm sure they'll take them off soon. Oh great, they've told his 4 year old nephew that they are there "to pick a girl". He's gonna be remembering that when he's at the Mustang Ranch in 14 years.
Catherine arrives. Interesting that they've almost never had an Asian on the show, and then when they do, she gets to the final two. The lesson, as always, is white dudes like Asian girls. Cause they have small vaginas.
Also, check out the muscles on Sean's bro-in-law! Damn, that family is one big gun show.
Catherine tells Sean's mom about her whole "give Sean a note" strategy. She says on the 3rd week he reciprocated with a note of his own that said "I love the way your nose crinkles when you smile". That's when she knew that they have "a similar sense of humor". Hilarious! These two should take it to The Improv with that crinkle material.
Catherine tells Sean's dad that she's "consumed by him". That's a fantasy suite reference. Consumed = cunnilingus.
Lindsay is up next. Sean's dad tells Lindsay that they've "seen pictures". I immediately google "Bachelor Lindsay Naked". No idea what sites Sean's dad has access to, but I came up empty.
I just have to take a second here and express how dumb it is that Lindsay is here. Out of all the girls, she's at the end? I mean, she's nice and cute and all, but really? Final two? I'll take Lesley, Desiree (without the bangs), AshLee, and of course, Selma Al-Awlaki before her. And I don't mean that as a personal taste thing, more of a those are serious girls kinda way. Lindsay is a 12 year old.
Sean's dad totally wants to fuck both of them too.
Sean's mom interrogates Lindsay. Lindsay pretends that her and Sean have all these great conversations, leaving out the fact that they just make out all the time, and they're both incapable of great conversations.
Sean's family is the nicest family in the world. You could definitely see why he would get extra freaked out by Desiree's brother. Who needs to bring that shit around? Also, they grew up in a tent. That should never be overlooked.
Sean calls Lindsay "the piece that I've been missing...and then there's Catherine". It seems like it's gonna be Lindsay. Which again, is nuts.
It's sorta sad that we have to continue with this charade that he's equally in love with both women. It would be better if he said, "I love one and hate the other, now watch as I go out with them and try to guess which one is which". Seriously, how much more fun would that be to watch?
At long last, Sean puts on his gayest blue tank top.
I'm pretty sure that's the same one that Emilio Estevez wore in "The Breakfast Club".
"I'm so excited to be on this raft with Sean". Oh, Lindsay. As Sean starts giving out info about Thailand, Lindsay hears the adult voices from Charlie Brown.
Lindsay: "Sean and I have the same sense of humor". He must've used that same nose crinkle line with her. That's just comedy gold. Hey, if they have the same sense of humor, how come Sean didn't get her "wearing a wedding dress on the first night" bit?
Lindsay is 5'1", or as I call it, the very upper range of The Handleman Wheelhouse.
Lindsay: "That's why we're always kissing but that's how he can really express himself to me". And right now, Sean is expressing to her that he has a huge erection.
Sean has shed the blue tank for a pink V-neck. Okay, I have to say it, who is his costumer...Ames?!!
It's time for Catherine's date. 11 episodes later, I still haven't figured out if Catherine is good looking. What do you think Sean will wear? Purple deep V? Yep! Ames is on fire.
They ride an elephant. As opposed to their time in the fantasy suite, where she rode the bologna pony (i might be running out of dick jokes).
Catherine: "The next time I see him, he might be on his knee". Because that's how he'll thank Ames for all the great clothes?
How do you explain this behavior to the girl you do pick?! This is why these relationships don't work out. You can't unsee this shit.
Sean's mom is right, if you're in love with two girls and you don't know who to pick, then you definitely should not propose to either of them. Which means, I think, that he doesn't propose, and the big announcement later is a proposal. That's my prediction, write it down! Oh, I just did.
At the end of their date, they hug, then Sean puts his hand on her ass, she says "I love you". Sean responds "Thank for today". Catherine takes Sean's reaction badly, and thinks she's about to get her ass rejected. She calls it a horrible goodbye. Wait until tomorrow.
Catherine seems unaware of how the show works.
But I feel like it's very healthy that she is doubting what's going to happen. Unlike AshLee, who was just 100% positive that she was the one. You should have doubts! There's another girl, and people get burned every season.
Back from commercial, shirtless Sean! I'm gonna miss those almost too big to be on a man pecs.
Neil Lane arrives to show Sean the rings. Word to the wise, when it all goes south it is very hard to get anywhere close to fair value for an engagement ring. I learned that the hard way. Let's just say, I ended up with my engagement ring at a coffee shop where an Armenian man gave me a wad of cash in a rubber band. Good times.
Lindsay wears silver. She believes she's about to get engaged. Catherine wears gold. She believes she's about to get dumped. Sorry Lindsay, but silver is for second place.
They cut to the studio audience, and the crowd likes Catherine a lot more than Lindsay. Poor Nubs McGee, everyone is clapping and she can't participate.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The first limo pulls up, and it's...LINDSAY. She voice overs: "Today is the best day of my life". It's way better to live your life with some doubts, kids. Save yourself the humiliation. Be jaded and miserable like me, it's way better.
Also, silver means second. I can't say it enough. You can't wear silver and expect to win it all, that goes against everything we know. On the bright side, another 5'1" chick is back on the market. I can't complain.
Sean gives her the talk, along with some Tony Soprano level breathing. He says "this is the toughest thing I've ever had to do". You can practically see Lindsay having a heart attack. You're 24 and hot! You'll be fine. Until you turn 30.
Whoa. Sean mentions that he does love her. That's gonna go over well when the Catherine regime takes over.
Lindsay tells him to stop. Which I respect. Then she asks "is it me?" Which I don't.
Ha. Lindsay (in a very calm voice): "I'm gonna go...cause this is my nightmare...this is just really, really painful. I didn't see this coming". See, that's your problem. You should see more stuff. You're 24!
If Chris Harrison isn't seizing the opportunity to bang every rebound chick on this show, then he is not a real man.
In the limo, Lindsay: "I know this feeling. I've felt it a hundred times". What?! She sure falls in love a lot. "Dangle everything I've ever wanted right in my face and then take it away! Yes! Please do that!" That's kinda funny.
"I just did not want to be hurt this way". Well, you came on a show where 24 girls get hurt. The odds were not in your favor.
Back to Sean at the altar of love. Chris comes out to give Sean a letter from Catherine. Nice. Maybe he'll get dumped and we'll be back at square one. Does anyone have Selma's number?
At this moment, they cut back to the studio audience and the ladies all groan and say swear words. Cause they love love, you guys!
By the way, we already saw Catherine in her gold dress. We know she's gonna show up. The letter is just more about how she loves him and wants to be his wife. Look who is confident now. That would've been awesomely awkward if she was the one getting rejected. "Hey, great letter, but the thing is...Lindsay is 24 and a hot idiot".
If Nubs McGee had made it to the final and was wearing a gold dress, what's the over/under on how many Oscar Pistorius jokes I would've made?
Sean gives his big speech. He doesn't want to say goodbye to her anymore. Hey, remember when he told AshLee that he didn't like this girl at all?
Do you think we've come to the point now where in the back of these girl's minds is, "I'm gonna be on Dancing with the Stars!" Of course we have.
Sean proposes. She says yes. Then asks if this is for real. Real? Well, it's TV.
Instead of Sean's family, he should've asked me about asking a Filipino chick to marry you. I would've had some helpful tips. Number one being, don't do it.
They ride off on an elephant.
And that's it. I'm gonna do the After the Final Rose in a separate post. Just have to say, I think this was one of the best Bachelor seasons. Not because of Sean, because of the girls. This was easily the best group of girls they've ever had. I can't think of another season where there were so many legit candidates to go all the way.
Selma for Bachelorette!
Chris also promises "late breaking news" and says it's a "Bachelor first". A wedding date? I would hope it's more than that. Well, I guess if it's not him telling us that he's already broken up with his new fiance, than that would be a first.
We return to Thailand. I'm disappointed in all of you for not recognizing my Ames' jokes last time, so I'm not doing anymore of them. That is your punishment.
Sean's family arrives, and to no one's surprise, they are all shirtless. Actually, they are wearing shirts, but I'm sure they'll take them off soon. Oh great, they've told his 4 year old nephew that they are there "to pick a girl". He's gonna be remembering that when he's at the Mustang Ranch in 14 years.
Catherine arrives. Interesting that they've almost never had an Asian on the show, and then when they do, she gets to the final two. The lesson, as always, is white dudes like Asian girls. Cause they have small vaginas.
Also, check out the muscles on Sean's bro-in-law! Damn, that family is one big gun show.
Catherine tells Sean's mom about her whole "give Sean a note" strategy. She says on the 3rd week he reciprocated with a note of his own that said "I love the way your nose crinkles when you smile". That's when she knew that they have "a similar sense of humor". Hilarious! These two should take it to The Improv with that crinkle material.
Catherine tells Sean's dad that she's "consumed by him". That's a fantasy suite reference. Consumed = cunnilingus.
Lindsay is up next. Sean's dad tells Lindsay that they've "seen pictures". I immediately google "Bachelor Lindsay Naked". No idea what sites Sean's dad has access to, but I came up empty.
I just have to take a second here and express how dumb it is that Lindsay is here. Out of all the girls, she's at the end? I mean, she's nice and cute and all, but really? Final two? I'll take Lesley, Desiree (without the bangs), AshLee, and of course, Selma Al-Awlaki before her. And I don't mean that as a personal taste thing, more of a those are serious girls kinda way. Lindsay is a 12 year old.
Sean's dad totally wants to fuck both of them too.
Sean's mom interrogates Lindsay. Lindsay pretends that her and Sean have all these great conversations, leaving out the fact that they just make out all the time, and they're both incapable of great conversations.
Sean's family is the nicest family in the world. You could definitely see why he would get extra freaked out by Desiree's brother. Who needs to bring that shit around? Also, they grew up in a tent. That should never be overlooked.
Sean calls Lindsay "the piece that I've been missing...and then there's Catherine". It seems like it's gonna be Lindsay. Which again, is nuts.
It's sorta sad that we have to continue with this charade that he's equally in love with both women. It would be better if he said, "I love one and hate the other, now watch as I go out with them and try to guess which one is which". Seriously, how much more fun would that be to watch?
At long last, Sean puts on his gayest blue tank top.
I'm pretty sure that's the same one that Emilio Estevez wore in "The Breakfast Club".
"I'm so excited to be on this raft with Sean". Oh, Lindsay. As Sean starts giving out info about Thailand, Lindsay hears the adult voices from Charlie Brown.
Lindsay: "Sean and I have the same sense of humor". He must've used that same nose crinkle line with her. That's just comedy gold. Hey, if they have the same sense of humor, how come Sean didn't get her "wearing a wedding dress on the first night" bit?
Lindsay is 5'1", or as I call it, the very upper range of The Handleman Wheelhouse.
Lindsay: "That's why we're always kissing but that's how he can really express himself to me". And right now, Sean is expressing to her that he has a huge erection.
Sean has shed the blue tank for a pink V-neck. Okay, I have to say it, who is his costumer...Ames?!!
It's time for Catherine's date. 11 episodes later, I still haven't figured out if Catherine is good looking. What do you think Sean will wear? Purple deep V? Yep! Ames is on fire.
They ride an elephant. As opposed to their time in the fantasy suite, where she rode the bologna pony (i might be running out of dick jokes).
Catherine: "The next time I see him, he might be on his knee". Because that's how he'll thank Ames for all the great clothes?
How do you explain this behavior to the girl you do pick?! This is why these relationships don't work out. You can't unsee this shit.
Sean's mom is right, if you're in love with two girls and you don't know who to pick, then you definitely should not propose to either of them. Which means, I think, that he doesn't propose, and the big announcement later is a proposal. That's my prediction, write it down! Oh, I just did.
At the end of their date, they hug, then Sean puts his hand on her ass, she says "I love you". Sean responds "Thank for today". Catherine takes Sean's reaction badly, and thinks she's about to get her ass rejected. She calls it a horrible goodbye. Wait until tomorrow.
Catherine seems unaware of how the show works.
But I feel like it's very healthy that she is doubting what's going to happen. Unlike AshLee, who was just 100% positive that she was the one. You should have doubts! There's another girl, and people get burned every season.
Back from commercial, shirtless Sean! I'm gonna miss those almost too big to be on a man pecs.
Neil Lane arrives to show Sean the rings. Word to the wise, when it all goes south it is very hard to get anywhere close to fair value for an engagement ring. I learned that the hard way. Let's just say, I ended up with my engagement ring at a coffee shop where an Armenian man gave me a wad of cash in a rubber band. Good times.
Lindsay wears silver. She believes she's about to get engaged. Catherine wears gold. She believes she's about to get dumped. Sorry Lindsay, but silver is for second place.
They cut to the studio audience, and the crowd likes Catherine a lot more than Lindsay. Poor Nubs McGee, everyone is clapping and she can't participate.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The first limo pulls up, and it's...LINDSAY. She voice overs: "Today is the best day of my life". It's way better to live your life with some doubts, kids. Save yourself the humiliation. Be jaded and miserable like me, it's way better.
Also, silver means second. I can't say it enough. You can't wear silver and expect to win it all, that goes against everything we know. On the bright side, another 5'1" chick is back on the market. I can't complain.
Sean gives her the talk, along with some Tony Soprano level breathing. He says "this is the toughest thing I've ever had to do". You can practically see Lindsay having a heart attack. You're 24 and hot! You'll be fine. Until you turn 30.
Whoa. Sean mentions that he does love her. That's gonna go over well when the Catherine regime takes over.
Lindsay tells him to stop. Which I respect. Then she asks "is it me?" Which I don't.
Ha. Lindsay (in a very calm voice): "I'm gonna go...cause this is my nightmare...this is just really, really painful. I didn't see this coming". See, that's your problem. You should see more stuff. You're 24!
If Chris Harrison isn't seizing the opportunity to bang every rebound chick on this show, then he is not a real man.
In the limo, Lindsay: "I know this feeling. I've felt it a hundred times". What?! She sure falls in love a lot. "Dangle everything I've ever wanted right in my face and then take it away! Yes! Please do that!" That's kinda funny.
"I just did not want to be hurt this way". Well, you came on a show where 24 girls get hurt. The odds were not in your favor.
Back to Sean at the altar of love. Chris comes out to give Sean a letter from Catherine. Nice. Maybe he'll get dumped and we'll be back at square one. Does anyone have Selma's number?
At this moment, they cut back to the studio audience and the ladies all groan and say swear words. Cause they love love, you guys!
By the way, we already saw Catherine in her gold dress. We know she's gonna show up. The letter is just more about how she loves him and wants to be his wife. Look who is confident now. That would've been awesomely awkward if she was the one getting rejected. "Hey, great letter, but the thing is...Lindsay is 24 and a hot idiot".
If Nubs McGee had made it to the final and was wearing a gold dress, what's the over/under on how many Oscar Pistorius jokes I would've made?
Sean gives his big speech. He doesn't want to say goodbye to her anymore. Hey, remember when he told AshLee that he didn't like this girl at all?
Do you think we've come to the point now where in the back of these girl's minds is, "I'm gonna be on Dancing with the Stars!" Of course we have.
Sean proposes. She says yes. Then asks if this is for real. Real? Well, it's TV.
Instead of Sean's family, he should've asked me about asking a Filipino chick to marry you. I would've had some helpful tips. Number one being, don't do it.
They ride off on an elephant.
And that's it. I'm gonna do the After the Final Rose in a separate post. Just have to say, I think this was one of the best Bachelor seasons. Not because of Sean, because of the girls. This was easily the best group of girls they've ever had. I can't think of another season where there were so many legit candidates to go all the way.
Selma for Bachelorette!
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