The Real World Awards

Okay, let's get this out of the way first. The new season of The Real World, in Portland, features a cast member who was born without a hand. This comes after a season of The Bachelor which had a girl who was born without an arm. Is this a new trend in reality show casting? If this keeps up, we're just gonna be watching drunken torsos arguing with each other. 

Moving on, since The Real World is starting up again, Vulture ranked the best Real World seasons of all time. As I am the foremost authority on The Real World, it's a list specifically designed to make me angry. And it succeeded.

As you know, I've seen every season of The Real World and The Challenges. I know my stuff. More importantly, my opinions are correct and cannot be questioned or challenged.

Sadly, we are coming off one of the worst seasons in Real World history. A season which almost forced me to quit watching. It featured the most unattractive group of horrible looking losers the show has ever seen. And I'm not one of these guys who longs for the old days, I'm not sentimental or grading on a curve, the St. Thomas season would be an abomination no matter when it aired.

It and Brooklyn are by far the worst seasons ever, with London nipping at their heels. In the biggest travesty of that Vulture article, they have London ranked 7th. HA!!! That shit was excruciating. Every single person in the cast sucked, except for that British dude who got his tongue bitten off. And even that wasn't that cool, cause he kinda asked for it.

Also, they have Hawaii at 5. Hawaii was garbage. 

But the biggest falsehood in the list and that I've seen elsewhere is that the first Las Vegas season somehow killed the show, or ruined it somehow. Bullshit! The Vegas season saved the show. It became the model for all future seasons. You know what would've killed the show? Another season like London. That version of The Real World was headed for a burial plot right next to Road Rules.

Vegas realized the value of casting hot people and having hot tubs. Of infrared cameras. Of cocaine and condoms.

You don't want another Real World that is completely like it. But you want every Real World to at least have some of it.

Here, without further ado, are the top 6 Real World season of all time:

Las Vegas I
San Francisco
Seattle
New Orleans I
San Diego
Los Angeles

If The Real World was like the NBA and you needed an All Star team, this would be mine:

Isaac (Australia. Co-Captain of the All Star Team. Easily the coolest, funniest dude in Real World history. )
Melissa (New Orleans. Co-Captain. Easily the funniest/hot girl in Real World history)
Dustin (Vegas II. The man did gay porn and got a female roommate to date him. Respect)
Trishelle (Vegas I)
Eric (New York I)
David/Stephen/Irene (Seattle)
Tami (Los Angeles. Token black girl on the squad. She's so good at reality shows, she's still on one - now on "Basketball Wives")
David (New Orleans I. Token black guy. Come on be my baby tonight)

2nd TEAM

David (Los Angeles)
Rachel (San Francisco)
Brad (San Diego I)
Jonna (Cancun)
Ace (Paris)
Cameron (San Diego I)
Alton (Vegas I)
Coral (New York II)
The Beast (San Diego II)
Joey (Hollywood. Where's Joey?! Joey's dead)

Puck was a first teamer, but the team voted to kick him off for unsportsmanlike behavior (it involved peanut butter).

Getting back to the present, I enjoyed the first episode of this Portland season. Yes, the cast doesn't have as many hands as I would like, but still. There's at least one cute girl and multiple crazies. That's a winning formula.

Even more encouraging, the producers have decided to enter a sassy black girl into the mix at some point during the season, who looks like she will fist fight everyone. It probably won't be enough to crack the top five of all time Real World seasons, but it's fist fights! And sassiness! London didn't have any of that.

Read More

Arbitration

Sorry, another reading assignment. Check out this blog post about screenwriting arbitration by Doug Richardson. Doug is a screenwriter and writes one of my favorite blogs - he posts once a week and it's always a great (and usually painful) Hollywood story.

This one was given a shout out by Deadline Hollywood and I'm mentioning it for two reasons. 1) I went through arbitration on "In the Mix", and it was hell. And 2) An odd coincidence happened today. After reading Doug's post, specifically this portion of it:

"I can, though, tell you what I think drives way too many writers into wrangling for undeserved onscreen recognition. 

Money. 

The most obvious of motives are the hefty residuals that can be banked after a hit movie and also the potential for later employment by studios who generally prefer to hire writers with successful track records."

My mail arrived. I went downstairs and lo and behold, there was a green envelope waiting for me. The WGA sends out residual checks in green envelopes. Excitedly, I tore it open. And this is what was inside. 

Hefty residuals!

Read More

Ann Curry Was Bad At Her Job So She Got Fired

I highly recommend reading this long New York Magazine article about The Today Show.

I don't care about The Today Show, I don't watch any of those morning talk shows - there are reruns of 90210 at the same time and I have my priorities. Yet, it's still a great read. I guess morning talk shows are like late night talk shows - more fun to read and talk about than to actually watch.

But I do know two people who do watch. Who are experts on the Today Show. They are my mom and my dad. And long before Ann Curry was forced out of the show, they would go on at length about how awful she was. They are die hard Today Show fans, and they said Ann Curry sucked.

And in every piece I've read on the situation, including the one linked above, that seems to be the acknowledged truth. She struggled in the job and ratings declined. So why then, do I also keep hearing and reading stuff like this:

“I think it’s unfair to blame Ann for any of the problems that she had,” says Nicholas Kristof, the Times columnist and a close friend of Curry’s. “They were incredibly lucky to have stabbed in the back somebody who wasn’t in the least vindictive and had the interest of the Today show at heart even after they treated her so wretchedly.”

Stabbed in the back? First of all, she got $12 million dollars and a production deal. Let me repeat that, she got $12 million dollars and a production deal! We should all be stabbed in the back with that kind of cash.

Second of all, she wasn't performing at her job. What were they supposed to do? I could write a list of at least a hundred NFL players who were cut by their teams this off season. They had contracts, but they weren't worth the amount they were getting paid. Is America crying for them?

So after 20 years, Matt Lauer is suddenly an asshole. He's been fine with Katie Couric, and Meredith Viera, and now this chick can't carry her own weight and he's the dick? I don't get it. People don't appreciate goodness. Those people were good at what they did, but no, let's rally behind the girl who stinks!

And I just watched Ann Curry's final goodbye for the first time. Holy hell.



Yeah, she's just doing this gig for us. That's why she's doing it. It's us. That's why she accepted the $12 million, for us!

Shut up. You weren't good enough, and you got fired. It happens. You weren't owed that job. I'm sure NBC handled it poorly, because NBC handles everything poorly. But if you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for Jay Leno. Cause he's actually good at his job and is getting fucked.

Read the article. It's interesting.

Pneumonia free!

Read More

I Have Pneumonia

Everyone calm down. I'm going to be fine. The news that "Bachelor Pad" isn't coming back this summer is way worse.

With this double whammy of horribleness, I will be taking the week off to focus on my anti-biotic regimen and plot revenge on Mike Fleiss. Feel free to check out other blogs, see what's out there, but don't forget all of the things I've done for you.

And just to squash the rumors right now, no, Selma did not mail me anthrax. As far as we know.

Read More

The Staircase and The Owl Theory

After I recommended that you watch The Staircase, some of you have left comments and emailed me about it. The final installment has aired, so now I feel free to wrap things up.

SPOILERS AHEAD

If you didn't watch it, The Staircase is a documentary about a guy arrested for murdering his wife and the subsequent trial in North Carolina. His wife was found at the bottom of the stairs, blood everywhere, with lacerations to the back of her head.

The documentary is great because the case is filled with twists and turns, and tons of weirdo characters that only the south could produce. Some of the twists and turns:

It comes out right before the trial that the husband is bi-sexual. And there's a really funny male prostitute who testifies.

His two adopted daughters believe in their dad. His step-daughter, doesn't.

The husband, along with his kids, are living in the house where the wife died, and the blood is still there. This is years later! They are living in a bloody house. It would be like OJ's kids living at Nicole's condo and no one ever cleaning up. Very creepy.

Coincidentally, 17 years before, another woman who was last seen with the husband was found dead at the bottom of a staircase. Oh, and that woman, just happens to be his adopted daughter's birth mother.

The prosecutors claim that the lacerations made to the wife's head were from a fireplace blow poke, which they say has mysteriously disappeared. Near the end of the trial, the blow poke is discovered, and it's pretty clear that it wasn't used in the murder.

By the end of the trial, it seems like the jury has to come back with a Not Guilty verdict. The prosecution is made up of a bunch of hillbillies and they are bad at their job. The defense is pretty great. Alas, the verdict comes back Guilty. Because the jury is a bunch of hillbillies too, and they only understand hillbilly language.

He goes to jail. And that's the end of the documentary. But then there's an update...

All of his appeals have failed. He's still in jail. He looks like he has a foot in the grave. It's just depressing. But then, in another twist, it is discovered that the Prosecution's star witness is a liar. He has tampered with evidence in hundreds of cases, causing a bunch of verdicts in North Carolina to be reviewed and overturned. Including the husband's.

So he gets out of jail. The state still has to decide if they want to retry him. I doubt they will.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

The craziest part about this crazy documentary is that the craziest twist of all isn't even in it. And that is...

The Owl Theory

Throughout the case, you become resigned to the fact that you're never gonna know what really happened that night. You know the husband is bizarre, and his version doesn't totally add up, and neither does the prosecutions. It just becomes about the case and if there is reasonable doubt.

But after going to jail, a new theory is presented, and an attempt to explain what really happened. A theory that, as insane as it is, seems to make a shit load of sense. That theory is that an owl did it. An owl killed the wife. An owl caused the lacerations on her head. She ran inside, and fell at the stairs. And she bled out and died.

Seems pretty improbable. However, the wife just happened to have a feather from an owl clutched in her hand, along with clumps of her hair and needles from a tree. The lacerations match an owl's talons. In the neighborhood they live in, owl attacks are fairly common.

I never thought this would end with a guilty owl, but I am sold.

Read More

Sean the Boring Bachelor. After the Final Rose

Okay. Live studio audience. Chris Harrison. And out comes Sean. He is beaming. He says how in love he is. It seems like he means it.

I know the question you are all asking. And the answer is yes, Sean sorta did change his haircut. He's got a mini-Flock of Seagulls thing going on now. I think he's gotten a lot skinnier or something. I hope he didn't lose any of his pec fat.

Lindsay comes out. This should be delightfully uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of her florally dress, but she looks pretty good. She asks Sean what happened. Um, he liked another girl more than you. That's the basic summary.

Sean claims he didn't know who he was gonna pick until that final week. If I were Catherine, I wouldn't be too pleased to hear that. When I go on dates, I'm always sure to mention how there's another girl that I like but I can't figure out who I like more.

Lindsay asks him when he knew, and he says, very stupidly, "it was after our final one on one". Ouch. You can't say it was earlier or else she'd be like, "but you had sex with me!" So that's the answer you have to give. She follows up with, the obvious girl question, "what specifically on that date?" And he brushes it aside, "it wasn't any specific thing".

Lindsay says she's grown up so much. She's 25 now, you guys. She can rent cars now without adult supervision.

Lindsay leaves. Catherine comes out. You can tell me if the ring is any good, I can't tell. Sean's kinda looking weird...

Too much lipstick and too much skinniness. You're a meat head, dude, run with it. 

Sean calls Catherine his "best friend". Okay, that's a lie. She's not your best friend. You've known her for a month. That's an insult to your frat bros, at the very least.

I hate the way Catherine talks when she's talking seriously. 

I take it back. I hate the way Catherine talks.

Chris says Sean has "turned into a ballbag". I'll let that stand for itself.

There is no wedding date yet (of course not). The big announcement is that their wedding is going to be on TV. That's not a Bachelor first, that's actually a Bachelor third.

What a weird thing to announce as big news. "Yey. It's ABC programming!"

Chris asks if she's moving to Texas. Sean does a big dodge and says life is full of curveballs. So it sounds like he's moving to LA.

You know why this worked? Because Sean is a born again virgin or whatever. Only people who are waiting for marriage to have sex are this eager to get married. It won't work with people who get to have good ol' fashioned single person fun. There's no reason to get hitched.

Okay, time for The Bachelorette announcement. It is...

DESIREE

Wow, Lindsay gets fucked twice. She kind of got hosed, no?

Thankfully, Des is sticking to the no bangs look. Even better, we're getting the brother next season! That's gonna be fun for me.

On the other hand, it's kind of a bummer. Selma was my first choice, obviously. And I think AshLee would've made better TV. And Lesley is better overall. But whatever, at least she's better than Jillian.

Desiree says she can "handle" 25 men. Tent chicks are whores.

Until the summer...goodnight!

Read More

Sean the Boring Bachelor. The Final Rose

This is the end. And that means "a historic 3 hour finale", or so says Chris Harrison. Not sure what's historic about it, they do this shit twice a year. But they will announce the next Bachelorette, so that's something. Not history, but something.

Chris also promises "late breaking news" and says it's a "Bachelor first". A wedding date? I would hope it's more than that. Well, I guess if it's not him telling us that he's already broken up with his new fiance, than that would be a first.  

We return to Thailand. I'm disappointed in all of you for not recognizing my Ames' jokes last time, so I'm not doing anymore of them. That is your punishment.

Sean's family arrives, and to no one's surprise, they are all shirtless. Actually, they are wearing shirts, but I'm sure they'll take them off soon. Oh great, they've told his 4 year old nephew that they are there "to pick a girl". He's gonna be remembering that when he's at the Mustang Ranch in 14 years.

Catherine arrives. Interesting that they've almost never had an Asian on the show, and then when they do, she gets to the final two. The lesson, as always, is white dudes like Asian girls. Cause they have small vaginas.

Also, check out the muscles on Sean's bro-in-law! Damn, that family is one big gun show. 

Catherine tells Sean's mom about her whole "give Sean a note" strategy. She says on the 3rd week he reciprocated with a note of his own that said "I love the way your nose crinkles when you smile". That's when she knew that they have "a similar sense of humor". Hilarious! These two should take it to The Improv with that crinkle material.

Catherine tells Sean's dad that she's "consumed by him". That's a fantasy suite reference. Consumed = cunnilingus.

Lindsay is up next. Sean's dad tells Lindsay that they've "seen pictures". I immediately google "Bachelor Lindsay Naked". No idea what sites Sean's dad has access to, but I came up empty.

I just have to take a second here and express how dumb it is that Lindsay is here. Out of all the girls, she's at the end? I mean, she's nice and cute and all, but really? Final two? I'll take Lesley, Desiree (without the bangs), AshLee, and of course, Selma Al-Awlaki before her. And I don't mean that as a personal taste thing, more of a those are serious girls kinda way. Lindsay is a 12 year old.

Sean's dad totally wants to fuck both of them too.

Sean's mom interrogates Lindsay. Lindsay pretends that her and Sean have all these great conversations, leaving out the fact that they just make out all the time, and they're both incapable of great conversations.

Sean's family is the nicest family in the world. You could definitely see why he would get extra freaked out by Desiree's brother. Who needs to bring that shit around? Also, they grew up in a tent. That should never be overlooked.

Sean calls Lindsay "the piece that I've been missing...and then there's Catherine". It seems like it's gonna be Lindsay. Which again, is nuts.

It's sorta sad that we have to continue with this charade that he's equally in love with both women. It would be better if he said, "I love one and hate the other, now watch as I go out with them and try to guess which one is which". Seriously, how much more fun would that be to watch?

At long last, Sean puts on his gayest blue tank top.

I'm pretty sure that's the same one that Emilio Estevez wore in "The Breakfast Club". 

"I'm so excited to be on this raft with Sean". Oh, Lindsay. As Sean starts giving out info about Thailand, Lindsay hears the adult voices from Charlie Brown.

Lindsay: "Sean and I have the same sense of humor". He must've used that same nose crinkle line with her. That's just comedy gold. Hey, if they have the same sense of humor, how come Sean didn't get her "wearing a wedding dress on the first night" bit?

Lindsay is 5'1", or as I call it, the very upper range of The Handleman Wheelhouse.

Lindsay: "That's why we're always kissing but that's how he can really express himself to me". And right now, Sean is expressing to her that he has a huge erection.

Sean has shed the blue tank for a pink V-neck. Okay, I have to say it, who is his costumer...Ames?!!

It's time for Catherine's date. 11 episodes later, I still haven't figured out if Catherine is good looking. What do you think Sean will wear? Purple deep V? Yep! Ames is on fire.

They ride an elephant. As opposed to their time in the fantasy suite, where she rode the bologna pony (i might be running out of dick jokes).

Catherine: "The next time I see him, he might be on his knee". Because that's how he'll thank Ames for all the great clothes?

How do you explain this behavior to the girl you do pick?! This is why these relationships don't work out. You can't unsee this shit.

Sean's mom is right, if you're in love with two girls and you don't know who to pick, then you definitely should not propose to either of them. Which means, I think, that he doesn't propose, and the big announcement later is a proposal. That's my prediction, write it down! Oh, I just did.

At the end of their date, they hug, then Sean puts his hand on her ass, she says "I love you". Sean responds "Thank for today". Catherine takes Sean's reaction badly, and thinks she's about to get her ass rejected. She calls it a horrible goodbye. Wait until tomorrow.

Catherine seems unaware of how the show works.

But I feel like it's very healthy that she is doubting what's going to happen. Unlike AshLee, who was just 100% positive that she was the one. You should have doubts! There's another girl, and people get burned every season.

Back from commercial, shirtless Sean! I'm gonna miss those almost too big to be on a man pecs.

Neil Lane arrives to show Sean the rings. Word to the wise, when it all goes south it is very hard to get anywhere close to fair value for an engagement ring. I learned that the hard way. Let's just say, I ended up with my engagement ring at a coffee shop where an Armenian man gave me a wad of cash in a rubber band. Good times.

Lindsay wears silver. She believes she's about to get engaged. Catherine wears gold. She believes she's about to get dumped. Sorry Lindsay, but silver is for second place.

They cut to the studio audience, and the crowd likes Catherine a lot more than Lindsay. Poor Nubs McGee, everyone is clapping and she can't participate.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

The first limo pulls up, and it's...LINDSAY. She voice overs: "Today is the best day of my life". It's way better to live your life with some doubts, kids. Save yourself the humiliation. Be jaded and miserable like me, it's way better.

Also, silver means second. I can't say it enough. You can't wear silver and expect to win it all, that goes against everything we know. On the bright side, another 5'1" chick is back on the market. I can't complain.

Sean gives her the talk, along with some Tony Soprano level breathing. He says "this is the toughest thing I've ever had to do". You can practically see Lindsay having a heart attack. You're 24 and hot! You'll be fine. Until you turn 30.

Whoa. Sean mentions that he does love her. That's gonna go over well when the Catherine regime takes over.

Lindsay tells him to stop. Which I respect. Then she asks "is it me?" Which I don't.

Ha. Lindsay (in a very calm voice): "I'm gonna go...cause this is my nightmare...this is just really, really painful. I didn't see this coming". See, that's your problem. You should see more stuff. You're 24!

If Chris Harrison isn't seizing the opportunity to bang every rebound chick on this show, then he is not a real man. 

In the limo, Lindsay: "I know this feeling. I've felt it a hundred times". What?! She sure falls in love a lot. "Dangle everything I've ever wanted right in my face and then take it away! Yes! Please do that!" That's kinda funny.

"I just did not want to be hurt this way". Well, you came on a show where 24 girls get hurt. The odds were not in your favor.

Back to Sean at the altar of love. Chris comes out to give Sean a letter from Catherine. Nice. Maybe he'll get dumped and we'll be back at square one. Does anyone have Selma's number?

At this moment, they cut back to the studio audience and the ladies all groan and say swear words. Cause they love love, you guys!

By the way, we already saw Catherine in her gold dress. We know she's gonna show up. The letter is just more about how she loves him and wants to be his wife. Look who is confident now. That would've been awesomely awkward if she was the one getting rejected. "Hey, great letter, but the thing is...Lindsay is 24 and a hot idiot".

If Nubs McGee had made it to the final and was wearing a gold dress, what's the over/under on how many Oscar Pistorius jokes I would've made?

Sean gives his big speech. He doesn't want to say goodbye to her anymore. Hey, remember when he told AshLee that he didn't like this girl at all?

Do you think we've come to the point now where in the back of these girl's minds is, "I'm gonna be on Dancing with the Stars!" Of course we have.

Sean proposes. She says yes. Then asks if this is for real. Real? Well, it's TV.

Instead of Sean's family, he should've asked me about asking a Filipino chick to marry you. I would've had some helpful tips. Number one being, don't do it.

They ride off on an elephant.

And that's it. I'm gonna do the After the Final Rose in a separate post. Just have to say, I think this was one of the best Bachelor seasons. Not because of Sean, because of the girls. This was easily the best group of girls they've ever had. I can't think of another season where there were so many legit candidates to go all the way.

Selma for Bachelorette!

Read More

The Texting on House of Cards

Awhile back, I recommended that all of you read a book called "I Want My MTV", which is an oral history about the beginnings of MTV. If you still haven't read it, you're missing out. It might be my favorite oral history, and as you know, I'm a connoisseur of all things oral.

Anyway, in the book, there's one guy who is mentioned again and again as being a genius. Unlike everyone else, no one seems to say a bad word about him. He's just damn good at what he does.

And that man is David Fincher.

David Fincher has always been good. And it's worth watching "House of Cards", on Netflix, just because he produced it and directed the first 2 episodes. David Fincher directing TV, imagine that. And imagine the freaking budget of this show - Kevin Spacey, Robin Wright, and Fincher? It's amazing what my $19.99 a month can afford.

I've watched through episode 3 and I'm into it. I like it so much that I'm choosing to ignore the fact that occasionally the main character turns and speaks directly to camera - which I've only liked when Zack Morris did it.

But the reason I'm writing about "House of Cards" is because of the use of texting on the show.

I may be completely out of it, but I don't think I've seen texting done in quite the way that it's done on this show, and I think it's really, really good and sort of "important".

Everyone texts in the real world. The trouble is, texting isn't a very exciting thing to watch, and it probably never will be. But I really like the way they are doing it. I can't do it justice by describing it, so please check it out if you're interested.

I'm willing to bet that this style will be ripped off for years to come. 

The other thing is, they are getting the writing of the texts right. There's an exchange in episode 3 between Kevin Spacey and Kate Mara that is perfectly written.

So even if you don't like the show, please enjoy the texting.

Read More

I Just Found Out How Lonely I Am

Work has ended. That has given me a lot of alone time. Which I usually enjoy and think that I prefer.

Well, I was sitting here at my table, underneath my basketball hoop, trying to write stuff, and my phone rang. I could tell from the number that it was a telemarketer of some sort. So I picked up and this is what happened (this is pretty much verbatim)...

ME: Hello?

WOMAN: Is this Irwin Handleman?

ME: It is.

WOMAN: This is Barbara, and I have some good news for you today.

ME: Good news? Finally!

WOMAN: Yes, well, I'm pleased to inform you that you have won our $100,000 dollar drawing--

ME (dropping the phone): YES! I WON! Oh my God, yes! A hundred thousand dollars! I never thought I'd win! What will I spend it on first, a car, I don't know--

WOMAN: Sir--

ME: I've never won anything, and now 100 grand?! What a day! What. A. Day!

WOMAN: Sir--

ME: An Audi? I want an Audi. I'm getting that first--

WOMAN: Sir, you didn't win the money yet.

ME: What?!

WOMAN: You didn't win the money yet, but you still could...

ME: I still could?! You just told me I won $100 thousand dollars and now you're taking it away? But I won! What about the Audi?

WOMAN: No, you won, I mean, you got into the drawing, so now you're eligible.

ME: Eligible? But you said it was good news!

WOMAN: You did win. You still can win the money, but you have won 5 magazines of your choice.

ME: Magazines?

WOMAN: Yes.

And on it went. Basically, the scam is this: they offer to send you 5 monthly magazines to you, free of charge. And also a diamond (!!!) watch. Then they get some personal info about you, then offer you a weekly magazine as well. But then they reveal that the "only" thing they want in return is for you to "help out" with the weekly magazine.

So this company is willing to give people 5 monthly magazines for free if you pay for one weekly magazine.

I wish I would've recorded the conversation, because I also went on a rant about how I couldn't believe Maxim was still in business, and wanting to know how many carats the diamond watch was and if Jacob the Jeweler was involved.

She was not pleased.

So yeah, I need friends.

Read More

The Up All Night Debacle

There's an article in TV Guide today about what happened with the NBC show "Up All Night".

That's the Christina Applegate/Will Arnett show that wasn't doing well, and then to "save it" they were going to change from single camera to multi-cam.

A month or two ago, rumors were going around about the crazy ideas "Up All Night" was going to incorporate when they made this switch. Many sounded too insane to be true, and a lot of us were excited about them actually going forward with the show just to see how it would work.

However, it won't happen. Because Christina Applegate saw these new ideas and immediately bailed out. You should read the article, but here are a couple of changes they were thinking about making:

Ultimately 11 episodes were shot and aired by December; NBC wanted to produce five more for this spring. Cawley left the show, replaced by Linda Wallem (Nurse Jackie), a childhood friend of NBC Entertainment chairman Bob Greenblatt. 

Wallem and the writing staff began brainstorming ideas for the multi-camera version. One pitch placed a portal between the two worlds — the single-cam and multi-cam versions — that only baby Amy could see. Another idea put Wallem and her real-life partner, Etheridge, in front of the camera, perhaps with the action taking place in their living room.

Read More

Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 10: The Women Tell All

All right, the women are about to tell all. Yes, all. But mostly they are just going to shit on Tierra. Sadly, this is never as satisfying as you want it to be. I guess women are only good at talking shit when it is behind someone's back.

Chris Harrison starts things off with some audience hyping. Translation: he yells "how about Sean with his shirt off!!!" And the women lose their minds, soak their panties, etc. And I let out a little squeal myself. It's the nipples. So hairless.

Then we cut to some video of Chris and Sean showing up at Bachelor viewing parties and surprising people. The first house features a bunch of 12 year old girls, who hug Sean and he is immediately arrested. It's uncomfortable for everyone. I was just thinking how awesome it would be if as I'm typing this, there's a knock on my door. It's Sean. We embrace. It's magical.

Then they go to a sorority house. I think it's the Delta Gamma house. Which at my school, the DG's were known as the "Dick Grabbers". Nothing makes a pack of hot girls ugly like being super into their sorority.

The sorority girls, now holding pitchforks, demand that Sean take his shirt off. Really? You even have to ask? I didn't even know he owned shirts.

Finally, the women are introduced. Everyone looks the same, except for one person...Bangs! As in, Desiree has rid herself of her bangs. This is a game changer, I have to reevaluate this whole situation.

Selma is there, she just flew in from Yemen, and got a fresh supply of shoe bombs. She looks hot, of course, And Jackie and AshLee are both very attractive and have done nothing to diminish themselves.

I don't think they introduced Tierra. Maybe she and her sparkle will be brought out later. Or maybe the Sparkle is out there and we just didn't notice it.

The first order of business: Tierra and how awful she is. Sorry, I'm a little distracted by Desiree's forehead right now. Hard to focus.

Poor Kacie B. is there. She is really a pathetic character at this point. She won't say no to anything. Bachelor again? Yep. Girls Tell Again? Yep. Bachelor Pad? Yep. Someone's having a Bachelor party? Sure. Bachelor Party starring Tom Hanks? Absolutely.

Whoa! Brooke! The only black girl eliminated on night 1 suddenly speaks up. She defends Tierra. Apparently, you gotta do what you gotta do and the other girls are haters, according to her. Um, you left on night 1, you didn't do shit.

Robyn blames getting dumped on Tierra. She was too focused on her and not on Sean, or something. Oh, shut up, he just didn't have a taste for chocolate.

Chris tells the girls that Tierra is backstage and will be brought out after the commercial. I said it last week, but come on, this really is just professional wrestling now. And escorting Tierra to the ring is her manager, Bobby the Brain Heenan!

Okay, Sparkle time. First question: coming on the Bachelor, did you think you would be this girl that everyone's talking about? And she does not disappoint with her answer:

"It's difficult for me because I light up in a room...I walk in a room and I bring this joy".

Wait a minute...joy AND sparkle?! What a woman. You throw in a rogue eyebrow and that's the total package.

She gets judged by what she looks like, you guys. Um, at least 5 of the girls are hotter than you, but okay. She says they didn't like her because they thought she didn't want to be friends with them, but the truth is, she didn't want to be friends with them. 

She says she doesn't regret a thing and has nothing to apologize for. This gets "oohs" and "aahs" from the audience. Robyn then calls her delusional. The crowd loves it.  They want blood. Are you not entertained?!

Uh oh, Brooke is piping up again. She's mad at Tierra for defending herself. "Stick with your convictions!" You're a bitch, own it! Brooke loves the bitchery, as long as you're up front about it.

Tierra vs. AshLee. It's like the first presidential debate, with Sparkle as Obama and AshLee as Romney. A total Romney rout. In this analogy, Selma is Ahmadinejad.

Chris asks about her eyebrow. She insists she can't control it, as proof, she brags that it has it's own twitter. That is a pretty good case.

Uh oh, now the sparkle is brought up, and Tierra says she won "Little Miss Nevada". That tells you all that you need to know about this girl, doesn't it? Nevada. Little Miss. Pageant. Come on.

Tierra is engaged. Chris, very smirkily, questions her about it, implying that she came on the show already having a boyfriend. Then she refers to herself in the third person. Then Chris sort of wonders aloud if this fiance is a Lennay Kukua situation. 

Time for Nub McGee to get on the hot seat. Seriously, would she get time on the hot seat if it wasn't for her arm, or lack thereof? Answer: Nope. Fucking affirmative action.

I know we are supposed to feel bad for Nubby, but she is very whiny and all "woe is me". Her voice cracks the whole time as she describes her history of failed relationships, which sound like pretty much every 25 year old's history of failed relationships. She says "I don't want to blame the arm...". But she blames the arm.

Desiree is up next. How much better would this be if her brother was there instead? He just calls Chris the N word and stomps off to start a fire with a stick. Now that's good TV.

Chris brings up the brother. Should be noted that Harrison is asking all of the right questions, he needs to replace David Gregory. "Speaker Boehner, are you willing to include revenue to end the sequester...and did you finger AshLee in the fantasy suite?"

Desiree: "I value my brother's opinion". See, there's your first mistake. Never trust a man who grew up in a tent and has a tattoo sleeve. And is illiterate.

AshLee's turn. She tells us what we suspected, that Sean was blowing smoke up all of their asses. He wasn't giving her the hint, like, you're gonna go home. A dick move. AshLee says "I was thinking 'I got this'". Ha. Guess you didn't remember how crazy you were acting, ie blindfold.

Lesley is not getting the hot seat treatment. You have to think she was nudged out by nub. Stupid handicapped, they get all the hot seats and parking spaces!

Sean comes out. AshLee asks him what happened. Sean says "from day 1, you were my frontrunner". Gee, thanks. Again, you know you get to choose, right? If she's the frontrunner, you get to pick her.

He also says "I couldn't find that laughter with you". Maybe it was hiding underneath her blindfold.

Am I wrong or does Sean have a terrible haircut and the rumblings of a mullet? Might have to get a picture of it...See it?

AshLee is mad at Sean for getting rid of her at the rose ceremony and not coming to check on her. And he didn't act like a gentleman, etc. But most of this is just not understanding the basics of making a TV show.

Uh oh, Ashlee: "You had pretty much said some things overnight that, I honestly believed I was the one". Yeah, he said some things...with his dick!!! Oh snap.

WHOA! Bombshell. AshLee says that Sean told her that he "absolutely had no feelings for the other women". Damn. Sean denies it. The audience is stunned. Sean looks guilty. AshLee is like, "Sean, come on", like she's his mommy. Then, "Do you think I would just make up something like that?"

Then she takes it back. And says the exact quote was "There's absolutely nothing between those two. That's exactly what you said". He continues to deny. This is getting crazy. She might be bonkers, but she's probably telling the truth. 

Damn. AshLee came for a scalp. And I hope she gets it because his haircut sucks.

By the way, I'd hate to have any of my quotes that I said while trying to fuck a girl recited back to me on national TV.

They come back for a commercial and give us a behind the scenes sneak peak. It's Sean and AshLee talking, thinking they're not on the air. They keep going back and forth about the quote, a he said/she said thing.

And yes, he definitely said it. But his penis was hard. You can't control your words when your penis is hard and AshLee is sitting there blindfolded.

The blooper reel is solid. 

And that's about it. Not enough Selma, that's for sure. But a lot of uncomfortableness, and that's what the Women Tell All is for. Next week: The Finale! Will Sean wake up and realize Lindsay is Lindsay? Is AshLee right and he hates them both? Probably.

Goodnight.

Read More

SportsCenter Continues To Be The Worst

I wrote a long post a year and a half ago about how awful ESPN's SportsCenter has become. There's no need to rehash all of that. But I watched it this morning and I just wanted to put on record what I saw.

In my previous post, I detailed the news stories SportsCenter showed that morning. And I think I realized today that things have gotten way, way worse. A year a half ago they at least showed some highlights. This morning, after a night of NBA and Hockey games, can you guess what the lead story on SportsCenter was?

No guesses?

Okay, it was the Miami Heat - who didn't have a game last night - doing the Harlem Shake.

That was the lead fucking story on SportsCenter. The lead! The Heat making a dumb Harlem Shake video (about a million years after it was semi-okay to do such a thing).

And guess what this transitioned to, as every SportsCenter story seems to now: A segment on OTHER instances of teams doing the Harlem Shake.

What. Is. Happening.

Oh, but it doesn't end there, friends. Because in case you're out of the loop, SportsCenter then threw up this helpful graphic:

Someone shoot Chris Berman immediately. He shouldn't be allowed to see this, and also, he's terrible.

Next up, Duke lost last night, and the students at Virginia stormed the court. Instead of focusing on the game or the upcoming tournament, the Anchor then tossed to 2 college basketball experts to talk about court storming. Specifically, they were there to "comically" talk about the rules on when people should storm the court.

One of these "experts" was an ex-college basketball coach. That makes sense. The other expert? Why, it was college basketball legend Herm Edwards. Wait a minute, Herm Edwards isn't a college basketball legend or even an expert. Herm Edwards used to coach the Kansas City Chiefs. As in, the NFL, like, football.

By the way, he was a terrible coach, but that's neither here or there. I just have no idea why he knows so much about college basketball and storming basketball courts.

Somehow, I kept watching. I just wanted to see what they would do next. The show started at 9am. They spent at least 10 minutes on the Harlem Shake thing. And then, at 9:40am - I know the exact time because I was writing this shit down - they showed the Heat's Harlem Shake video AGAIN. 

Anyway, that is now documented. I return you to your normal activities...

Read More