I Just Found Out How Lonely I Am

Work has ended. That has given me a lot of alone time. Which I usually enjoy and think that I prefer.

Well, I was sitting here at my table, underneath my basketball hoop, trying to write stuff, and my phone rang. I could tell from the number that it was a telemarketer of some sort. So I picked up and this is what happened (this is pretty much verbatim)...

ME: Hello?

WOMAN: Is this Irwin Handleman?

ME: It is.

WOMAN: This is Barbara, and I have some good news for you today.

ME: Good news? Finally!

WOMAN: Yes, well, I'm pleased to inform you that you have won our $100,000 dollar drawing--

ME (dropping the phone): YES! I WON! Oh my God, yes! A hundred thousand dollars! I never thought I'd win! What will I spend it on first, a car, I don't know--

WOMAN: Sir--

ME: I've never won anything, and now 100 grand?! What a day! What. A. Day!

WOMAN: Sir--

ME: An Audi? I want an Audi. I'm getting that first--

WOMAN: Sir, you didn't win the money yet.

ME: What?!

WOMAN: You didn't win the money yet, but you still could...

ME: I still could?! You just told me I won $100 thousand dollars and now you're taking it away? But I won! What about the Audi?

WOMAN: No, you won, I mean, you got into the drawing, so now you're eligible.

ME: Eligible? But you said it was good news!

WOMAN: You did win. You still can win the money, but you have won 5 magazines of your choice.

ME: Magazines?

WOMAN: Yes.

And on it went. Basically, the scam is this: they offer to send you 5 monthly magazines to you, free of charge. And also a diamond (!!!) watch. Then they get some personal info about you, then offer you a weekly magazine as well. But then they reveal that the "only" thing they want in return is for you to "help out" with the weekly magazine.

So this company is willing to give people 5 monthly magazines for free if you pay for one weekly magazine.

I wish I would've recorded the conversation, because I also went on a rant about how I couldn't believe Maxim was still in business, and wanting to know how many carats the diamond watch was and if Jacob the Jeweler was involved.

She was not pleased.

So yeah, I need friends.