TMI Friday

So I had a skin tag.

It was in a sensitive region of my body, I don't want to get too graphic here, but let's just say it was on my balls.

It had been there for awhile. Wasn't a big deal. But for some reason in my time off I got a bug up my ass about it, or rather, a skin tag on my balls.

I looked up some home remedies on the internet, which are always trust worthy. The first one I saw said to "tie the skin tag off with some floss, cutting the blood flow to it, and it will die".

This sounded horrible. Tie it off? What am I, Rambo? Am I supposed to have a field kit on me? And it's my balls were talking about here. Cutting off blood to that area seems like a really bad idea, and if it's irreversible somehow, life is over. At least it is for all those beautiful ladies out there who would be deprived of all this.

Another remedy I found was putting masking tape on it. That sounded doable. Another was rubbing Tea Tree Oil on it a few times a day. Despite the fact that I always turn down "The Tea Tree Experience" at Supercuts, this also sounded like an okay option.

And you know what's better than choosing between two things? Doing both of them.

So I put on the Tea Tree, and then covered it up with tape. I quickly learned that Tea Tree Oil is disgusting. Very smelly. And after a few days of this routine, my balls were smelling a thousand times worse than they normally do.

I stopped doing that and just stuck with the tape, but it didn't seem like it was working at all. I gave it a week or two and nothing.

Now, perhaps you're thinking I should've just headed on down to the dermatologist and have that sucker removed. Yes, but I had started this job, and I wanted to be the one to finish it. Plus, the dermatologist I go to is an attractive lady who I didn't want to show my balls to. At least not in that setting. I've found that you never want to lead with the balls. Sack first is no way to start a relationship.

After a few weeks of struggle, suddenly that whole "tying off" thing didn't sound like such a bad idea. I grabbed the floss...

Oh, the pain!

I'm pretty sure I did it wrong, and the way the tourniquet was fashioned it would cause jolting pain through my body if I sat down the wrong way, or moved at all.

But after a few days, by God if that thing didn't start to change color. I had restricted the blood flow!

At long last, the skin tag came off. Though it did require a slight...tug. The irony is, these home remedies caused far more pain than if a doctor had taken a knife and just chopped it.

Obamacare!

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Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 7

We are in Prague, or as Emily calls it, "like being back in the olden days". In the deep south, the schools teach that all of the olden days took place in Prague. And that evolution is a lie.

This is the last episode before Emily meets the parents. So with any luck, we might meet Papa and Mama Wolf.

The first one on one date is with Arie, which is basically a complete waste of time. Some of you noted Arie's lip licking before kisses, a la Ben. I did notice it, but I only saw him do it on one kiss so I cut him some slack. But we'll see if he pulls it again here...

They go see the sights, and Emily wonders in amazement about how so many people stood in those same spots and looked at these same things. Um, pretty sure you could say the same thing about Charlotte, and that place isn't even olden times.

Shit! They've shown them kissing twice, but cut to them mid kiss so we couldn't tell! Attention producers: we need to see all pre-kissing activity.

Okay, some more bullshit: Emily tells us that she knows a "secret" about Arie that he isn't telling her. And she's waiting for him to say it. How does she know that all of the sudden? Where is this coming from? Just cause she knows now he's going to magically bring it up?

Back from the commercial, Chris Harrison awkwardly talks to the camera and tells us that Arie had a "relationship" with one of the producers - several years ago. Apparently, once things got serious between Arie and Emily, the producer chose to tell Emily about the relationship.

Nothing makes sense! This feels completely set up! Why does this need to get brought up at all? If now, why not sooner? Stupid.

Emily is pissed because if Arie is hiding this, what else is he hiding? I kind of understand her deal, because she's brought up this girl many times to him and Arie has never even said "oh, I'm actually friends with her", etc.

It should be mentioned here that Arie looks like death. It looks like he just woke up, at all times.

Another thing worth mentioning? The producer Arie dated is not cute. In fact, she looks a lot like Arie. 

This is funny though, because Emily is trying to give Arie hints to confess, and he has no idea what the hell she is talking about. I've had many conversations similar to this. Trust us, ladies, we don't know what you want us to say. Ever.

Back from commercial, Chris awkwardly talks to us again! What the hell? And get this, he tells us that Emily, Arie, and the producer all talked about "the issue"...OFF CAMERA!

Nice. They forgot the most important part of doing a TV show is that it's a TV show. This is really, really bad.

They cut back to their date, and now all is forgiven. In fact, Emily is saying it's HER fault. Was part of that off camera talk a drugging? She might've been brainwashed, or they had the most amazing three way ever.

Here's something: Arie confesses to Emily that he loves her. But before he does it, he licks his lips! Then he kisses her, with no lip licking. This guy is really switching it up.

Finally, some excitement: the next one on one date is with Wolf, which is his first. "It's tough for me to open up and be vulnerable". They don't call you Wolf for nothing.

There's some more bad Emily tour guide talk. And she keeps complaining about how she and Wolf have nothing between them. Then why did you give him the rose! Stop crying about it, you're the reason he's still here.

At dinner, Wolf tells a sob story about how his last girlfriend, who was "just like him", cheated on him a week after their year anniversary. Nothing says "winner" like "I've been cheated on!". Classic Wolf.

Emily: "it makes me feel sad for him". That's hot, passionate, howling at the moon type stuff.

Wolf comes back home and tells the guys that the date went well, pissing off Chris and Sean. Somehow, Sean gets out of their hotel and begins running the streets of Prague looking for Emily. Can't you just ask the cameraman where she is?

Sean running around shouting Emily's name is as stupid as it sounds. Well, at least they're getting this on camera.

He finally tracks Emily down as she stands alone in a weird tunnel for no reason. God, this is bad.

Sean: "What are you doing walking around all by yourself?" Emily: "The producer that fucked Arie told me to stand here so I did".

Not sure why the dramatics were necessary, because the next day Sean is on the group date with Chris and Angry Doug.

Emily: "Doug is such a great guy" = kiss of death.

Emily and Doug have another bizarre conversation where he nervously tries to insist that he is perfect. What happened to this guy?  He can't even talk to her now. And then the best thing ever happens:

Emily realizes that this isn't working and is giving Doug the goodbye speech, as in, she's kicking him off the show. And in the middle of it, he kisses her!

She's like, "Okay, thanks for that..." and then continues with the dumping speech. It's amazing. This guy might be retarded. One of those angry retards with kids.

Doug: "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss". You should. You really, really should. But it's good when the stupids know that they are stupid.

Doug: "I did not see that one coming today". You're kidding. I thought when you tried to make out with her while she was sending your ass home that you totally knew it was coming.

We get a funny crying Doug moment in the taxi of broken dreams. He does that super high voice cry thing, sounds a little like Robin Gibb.

Now the group date is down to Sean and Chris, and Chris is rightfully frightened because obviously he is the odd man out. And also he has no lips.

So what does he do? He gets Emily alone and complains about not getting any one on one dates. Good strategy. Chris: "I'm not gonna dwell on it", while he's dwelling on it.

Emily gives the rose to...Sean. Duh. Chris can't believe it, because he hasn't been paying attention. 

The final date is with Jef, so it's just the gals. They go into a store with puppets. Jef is somehow an amazing puppeteer. He's a regular Derek Mantini (special shout out to anyone who gets that reference without google help).

There must be some mistake, Jef appears to be wearing Emily's jeans. They're not skinny jeans, they're just 3 sizes too small in the legs.

This just in: Little Steve Zahn has been kidnapped. She hasn't been seen in forever. They might've left her in Croatia "on accident".

Jef starts talking about the upcoming hometown visit, and says his parents live in South Carolina and she won't be meeting them. Why? "They're, like, committed to some stuff for a few years". Can you say Mormon mission? That's gotta be it, right? So weird how he said it and it was just brushed over like it was a normal thing to say.

Uh oh, trouble in magic underpants-ville. Jef reveals to Emily that he broke up with a girl because his parents didn't like her.

That is a bad sign. What kind of an asshole does that? So you only like someone if your parents like them? You can't go off the reservation in liking people? How in the heck are you supposed have 7 different brides if they are all that carefully screened?

Jef: "I'm gonna date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you". Know what he won't be doing the fuck out of you? Fucking.

Back at the house, Wolf is in fantasy land. He keeps talking about how well his date went. Shut up, Wolf, it didn't go that well at all. I hate a cocky Wolf.

Emily chooses not to have a cocktail party and just goes straight to the final rose ceremony, which pisses Chris off. He thought he was going to talk to her beforehand and that was going to totally save it. Yeah, that's how it normally goes. I'm not surprised by this show too often, but I'm pretty amazed how weird and crazy and dumb Chris turned out to be. He's an emotional wreck.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

I'm surprised they're getting this on camera.

Emily drops 4 "y'alls" in her preamble.

JEF - the stormin' Mormon

ARIE - glad he convinced her with that talk we didn't see (have to point this out one more time: that "talk" that they didn't get on camera was with a producer on the show. A producer. It's one thing if they went off on their own and had a conversation away from the cameras, but the producer was there!)

Before Emily announces the final name, Chris interrupts the proceedings. He's totally tripping out and on the verge of tears. What he lacks in lips he makes up for in acting like a psycho.

Chris tells her that he's falling in love with her and that he doesn't want it to end. Then they come back to the ceremony and Wolf is visibly angry. He just got pussy jacked!

CHRIS - and it worked.

Oh man, I hope it's not a full moon tonight. Poor Wolf. Actually, screw Wolf. His date sucked and he thought it was the greatest thing ever. Goodbye, Wolf.

Next week: Emily realizes all of the guys suck.

Goodnight.

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Sorkinisms

I wish the Newsroom stuff was on here, but this is still great...

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Aaron Sorkin's "The Newsroom" is Finally Here

The Newsroom premieres on Sunday, but the reviews are already in...and they are not kind. So far, just about everyone hates the show. I mean, they really hate it.

It's funny, it seems like "The Social Network" and "Moneyball" made a lot of people forget about "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" - Sorkin's last, horrific attempt at TV. And that's what The Newsroom most resembles.

It is kinda weird that such a "genius" writer would keep wanting to do the same TV show - behind the scenes of a TV show. Yet, here we have Sorkin's third series about that very same thing. 

Sure, Sports Night worked. But his only real success was the one that strayed from that formula. It was The West Wing, where the stakes are actually high. And that's what he needs. Anything less than the fate of the world on the line makes his shit sound down right silly.

I haven't seen the show yet. But in honor of the premiere, I thought I'd repost my review of the script for the pilot.

(Note: I said it was about network news, but it's actually a straight news show on a cable news channel)


A little over 3 years ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. I was watching Fox News that night and thought that despite their tears, Obama getting elected was actually the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

I've always been fascinated by these guys - O'Reilly, Hannity, Limbaugh. They have to go on TV and radio 5 days a week, and come up with stuff to scare the shit out of people or risk being as boring as liberals are. It's really just straight up show business. Though I'm sure they believe some of what they say, they definitely do not believe all of it.

So combining that with the Obama/Fox thing, I wrote a spec TV pilot.

It was a 1 hour dramedy about a bigger than life conservative radio host and the inner workings of putting on a talk show every day. The catalyst for the pilot was the election of Obama, which despite what he was saying on his show, the main character was rooting for all along. The tone was sorta like "Rescue Me". And it was probably the best script that I've ever written.

My agent loved it. He sent it around town, and I got lots of meetings. I was very excited about the response.

But no one wanted to buy it.

They all said the same exact thing: "if you kept the same characters, the same dialogue, the same everything, but made it about anything OTHER than politics, we'd buy it"

They wanted nothing to do with a show about politics. I tried to explain to them about a little something called "The West Wing". Didn't matter. I tried to explain that Fox News gets better ratings than them and maybe they were onto something, but they weren't having it. I had picked the wrong "area" to write about.

But then Aaron Sorkin came along and he wanted to do a show about politics. Or more specifically, a "one hour drama about a bigger than life liberal talk show host and the inner workings of putting a show every day".

It was my show, but with a Keith Olbermann type instead of a Rush Limbaugh type. And suddenly, everyone wanted to do a show about politics! Well, as long as Aaron Sorkin was writing it.

Normally I get super depressed about situations like this, but not in this case. Sorkin should do that show, it's perfect for him. I didn't have the juice to make it happen, Sorkin did. It made sense. Plus, my script opened a lot of doors for me and led to a bunch of other things, and is still a great sample, so it's all good. I only mildly want to kill myself, which is a huge step up for me.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, today I got my hands on Aaron Sorkin's script.

Since I've been anticipating this ever since I heard about this "competing project", this is a big day. And to celebrate, I think it's time to compare my script vs. Sorkin's script. True, being one of the competitors, I may not be the best judge. But I think I can be pretty impartial, because I was born without feelings or a soul.

First of all, I was very surprised to find that this script is not exactly what everyone thinks it's about. The main character has Keith Olbermann flourishes, but he is not Keith Olbermann. He is actually Brian Williams.

That's right, this isn't about an opinion/MSNBC style show. This is about the nightly news. Yes, the network nightly news that no one watches. Interesting choice.

The main character, who I'll call Brian Williams, clashes with his new female executive producer who he was romantically involved with in the past. This is funny because in my script the main character clashes with his female boss who is also his ex-wife.

There are some other similarities, most involve both main characters being assholes with a heart. But really, there isn't a ton that's the same. Despite the background of politics and news and TV and radio, they are different shows. His is about journalism, mine is about sensationalism and show business.

And mine is better.

And the reason is that Aaron Sorkin has fallen into the same trap twice in a row now: you can't do The West Wing and just replace the White House with putting on a television program. You just can't. Why?

Because there are no greater stakes than working in the White House. If you mess up there, the world might end. But if you mess up while doing the news or sketch comedy, who gives a shit?

The employees at his sketch show and his news show have brought the same energy and passion and wild eyed optimism that his employees at the White House brought. Well guess what? When you treat those TV gigs that seriously, it sounds stupid. If Matthew Perry doesn't come up with the perfect joke for the cold open, I'm pretty sure things are gonna be okay.

Here's some sample dialogue from the HBO show to demonstrate:

The Executive Producer says to Brian Williams:

"You could be doing the best newscast, not on television, but in history, and making it popular at the same time".

Ha!

That kind of stuff works on the West Wing, it's horribly corny when you're rolling tape on a high speed car chase. Is Katie Couric really going for the best newscast in history these days? I doubt it. Mostly because there's no such thing.

I've never worked in news, but I have written sketch comedy. And let me tell you something, the people who work there are jaded, bitter, and self deprecating. They are not aspiring to greatness. Well maybe they are, but they would never, ever say it out loud.

Another problem is that it feels like Sorkin could write this in his sleep, and he might have. You know how The Soup does a show about everything that happened in pop culture that week? Well, Sorkin has the ability to write a 1 hour drama about whatever happened in the news that week. But that doesn't mean he should.

He clearly just crapped this out during the oil spill in the Gulf several months ago. That's the main story in this. He can easily do that. But it doesn't feel important enough. It isn't crafted. It's rushed. It's standard Sorkin, but it's not special, "Social Network" Sorkin.

Now don't get me wrong, he does some things in this script that I will never be able to do. He is a better writer than me and always will be. Here's an exchange that is cheesy but awesome:

PRODUCER

"He has no script, there's nothing on the prompter!"

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

"Nothing on the prompter is where this man eats"

There are flashes. But the great parts do not add up to a great whole.

But overall, the biggest problem with his pilot is:

Why TV news? I guess I am carrying some bias here, because I wanted it to be about opinion shows and it wasn't and mine was. But that seems like a huge mistake. People don't care about network TV news anymore. That era is dead. But they do care about opinion. That's what gets ratings, generates controversy, gets people talking, etc., and this show is avoiding it for some reason.

As for my script, well maybe it isn't better, but at least it takes on the meatier aspect of these on air personalities, and it doesn't take itself so seriously. No one on it is trying to do the best anything in history, and I'm quite proud of that.

So HBO, you done goofed. I cannot believe you chose Aaron Sorkin over me. But then again, I don't have any Oscars, or Emmys, or a bunch of great credits or a track record of any kind, so you probably did the right thing.

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Scoreboard

Imagine this scenario for a moment:

It's the NBA Finals. Game 7. Heat vs. Thunder. It's the 4th quarter, 10 seconds left on the clock, the NBA championship on the line...

Lebron James has the ball as the seconds tick away. Durant guards his every move. Dribble, dribble, dribble...Lebron drives in to the free throw line, takes a step back, pump fakes, Durant goes flying by, Lebron raises up, and...

Knocks down the jumper! Game over!

The teams retreat to their benches, and then wait as...

The scoreboard is revealed. For the first time all game they see, as does the crowd, Thunder 108, Heat 87.

That jumper meant nothing, but no one knew it because no one knew the score. It was hidden all game, from everyone.

I think we can all see how moronic this is. How silly.

And this, my friends, is boxing.

Boxing doesn't have a scoreboard. It has judges. Judges who keep score of every round, and don't show their scores to anyone until the fight is over and a winner is announced.

As we saw last week, this is pure madness.

Manny Pacquaio easily defeated Timothy Bradley. It was clear to just about everyone, especially the fighters themselves. They knew who was winning.

Unfortunately, they were wrong. The judges - who are idiots - had it differently. And even more unfortunately, Manny Pacquiao didn't know that. So he just kept cruising along, thinking he had an easy win, and didn't press the action. Didn't change his strategy. He didn't know he needed to.

Just like Lebron James taking down the clock and hitting that jumper that meant nothing, Manny Pacquiao dribbled out the clock and lost. All because he didn't know the score.

Insane! But here's where things get confusing:

Boxing has tried announcing the scores before, and every boxing "expert" hates it! 

It makes zero sense to me. Shouldn't the competitors know what the score is? Why wouldn't you want that?

I think their theory is this: we don't want the fighters to know what the scores are or else they won't go for knockouts.

Well, that is horse shit.

First of all, it sure seems like a majority of boxing matches go to decision anyway. Second, boxing isn't all that popular anymore, only diehard fans are watching it, and they're not going to stop watching fights because guys are boxing. Third, there aren't that many boxers "going for knockouts", and the ones that are, that's the only way they know how to fight. They're not going to change their style because they know the score. Fourth, bad decisions are what is ruining boxing, not a lack of knockouts. Fifth, if you think it "takes away the drama", then you obviously hate every other sport. Sometimes, there are blowouts. If you're against open scoring, then you're against sports. And sixth, if a guy finds out he's losing by a lot, HE'S GOING TO GO FOR A KNOCKOUT. Even better, when he goes for that knockout, HE'S GOING TO GET KNOCKED OUT!!!

The fact is, you're never going to fix the judges. It's impossible. Why? Well, of the 41 reporters at ringside for the Pacquiao/Bradley fight, 38 had it for Pac, 3 had it for Bradley. Even though that is overwhelming, you still had 3 of them for Bradley, and anyone of them could've been judges. You can't remove the idiot factor.

What you could at least do is allow everyone to be aware of the situation - the boxers, the audience, the announcers - so we know what's going on during the fight. More importantly, so the boxers can adjust their approach.

The shame isn't just that Manny Pacquiao was robbed of a win, it's also that he wasn't given the chance to do anything about it while it was happening.

You're welcome for saving yet another sport. Goodnight and good luck.

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Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 6

Croatia. The land of ethnic cleansing...and surprisingly well played basketball!

It's the perfect setting because Emily has turned into a kind of Heinrich Himmler with fake tits. She's forcing these guys to rat out their brothers and name names. Even though Angry Doug did in fact name names and give up Kalon, it didn't matter, she demands unquestioned loyalty!

Jef calls Croatia "the perfect place to fall in love". Well, unless you count Thailand with Ames!

The first one on one date is with Travis. Jesus, he's still here? He's gonna be one of those dudes on the Bachelor Pad where you go, "who is he again?"

We immediately get more awkward Emily as tour guide cue card reading. Travis is just happy to be here, and answers "sure!" to everything Emily says. He also has a giant zit on his neck that I can't stop staring at. Remember when we didn't have HD? How did we live? It puts a ton of pressure on dermatologists.

They go to a special wall where you stand on a little step and if you're able to take your shirt off that means you're lucky in love. Travis stands on it but doesn't take anything off. Not sure why. But Emily says she's been wondering what's going on underneath that shirt. I'll tell you what: a doughy, doughy body. And possibly some bacne.

Travis' eyes are very close together as he talks about his broken engagement. Emily asks "what did you do wrong?" So you assume it was Travis' fault? At least he didn't get pregnant at 17.

Emily picks up the rose, and you know this dude is screwed. She gives the "friend zone" speech, and gets rid of him. It's about time.

Emily says this about Travis "in so many ways...it was so perfect". If she's not looking for perfect, thank God Ryan is still there.

Outside, while walking in the rain, Travis dejectedly tosses his umbrella aside, just as the producer told him to do.

Now it's time for a commercial for the movie "Brave", except for they're pretending like it's part of the show. Emily: "I. Love. This. Movie." You don't say? Thanks, Roeper, but I'm not gonna trust that opinion.

After the movie, the guys have to get dressed in kilts and participate in "The Highland Games". What a perfect idea...for Croatia? Nice planning! They were in London a few days ago, going to Scotland would've been way out of the way, Croatia made perfect sense for a place to do all of this Scottish stuff.

First up, they shoot a bow and arrow. All of the guys are shockingly good at it (with massive triceps), except for Chris, who shoots like a resident of West Hollywood.

He's also awful at the log toss. Maybe not having lips is affecting him. Jef also is sorta sad, but Sean is an absolute beast. That's Jesus power. I keep forgetting how much he's like Tebow. Although he threw that log better than Tebow has ever thrown anything.

Emily gets to give out "the bravest" award, and she gives it to Chris. I think bravest means suckiest. Or liplessiest.

Emily to Sean: "What's going on in your brain right now? I feel like there's more than you're telling me". Sean: "No".

I believe him.

Arie gets some strong make out time. Then it's Jef's turn. He says it took some time to get physical with Emily, but he "finally got over that hump". Hump.

Emily asks Jef what took him so "dag gone" long to kiss her? He says, with total sincerity, "I'm scared of you! I'm scared to death to kiss you!" Oh Jef, that's not gonna do anything to quash those internet rumors.

Jef: "Can I tell you a secret? I'm fricking crazy about you". Emily: "Me too". Yep, they're both crazy about Emily.

She just said "dag gone" again.

I was just mocking Chris for thinking he was going to get the rose, and I was making jokes in my head about him having to cry his tears into his "bravest" cup. But dag gone it, she just gave Chris the rose.

Ryan gets the final one on one. He's had a lot of insane quotes, too many for me to list here. But just trust me, he's coming strong with the crazy tonight. Equally crazy: his facial hair.  It's like he has extra hair in the spot where most guys don't have a lot of hair. Maybe he is better than all of us.

Ryan is so stupid, but in a great oblivious way, it's just funny. At least he's bringing something to the table, unlike a Travis type who never says anything interesting.

All of the guys are laughing at Ryan and mocking him, but it's like, "hey fellas, Emily keeps picking him, doesn't that worry you at all?"

They go oystering (don't know if that's a word, but that's what Ryan calls it), and we all find out that Emily is a spitter.

Ryan calls Emily a trophy wife again. Emily says "trophy's don't talk back". He replies, "you'd be the first of it's kind". Emily seems okay with this. Perhaps south of the mason dixon a trophy wife is the height of feminism.

Ryan is one of those people who doesn't listen to a word anyone says ever. He's too busy telling himself how well things are going for him to hear anything else.

For some reason, they used the same reaction shot of Emily twice. Just thought I'd point that out cause I know you'd nail me in the comments if I didn't. 

Ryan unveils a list of the "12 things he's looking for in his wife". My favorite part: "Number 6 is a nurturer...I like that!" Just his delivery is amazing, it's like he's astonished himself by how great this list is!

Emily says she feels pressure to be perfect around him. And then she relieves that pressure by sending him home.

And she does it because of the list! She blames the list! She would so not get along with Schindler.

(I like that I accidentally compared Emily to a Nazi twice in this recap)

Ryan takes a long pause, and then says "that is very shocking. I would not have seen that coming". I imagine that happens to you a lot, brother, awareness of anything going on around you is not your strong suit.

He presses her hard, "you're making the wrong choice". She brings on the water works, and he even calls bullshit on that! Yes!

She says she's unsure, and then they make it seem like she's going to relent and actually give him the rose. But she sticks to her guns, and Ryan is toast. Shouldn't have gone with that facial hair.

I predict a huge future for Ryan on the Bachelor Pad. He might be the next David Good. Also, you know they're bringing him back for the finale for some ginned up drama.

Worth mentioning: Ryan has some funky blue shoes on. He also wonders how shocked the guys must be that he's going home. Ha. Meanwhile, the guys just wish they could see his face right now.

Sorta funny, as Ryan drives off, he says that he hopes that the producers edit him together well and not portray him as "an arrogant ass". In the same sentence, he mentions he's been "blessed with many worldly gifts". This is why reality TV is popular, you can't make this stuff up, and if you did, no one would believe it.

The producers arrange for Arie to visit Emily at her place so he can tell her she was right in dumping Ryan. It's kind of unfair, since this is so clearly a setup. Usually, they make it seem like the person honestly went down to the Bachelor's house on their own, but this is so obvious that it doesn't seem fair to the other fellas.

Arie likes to work the hair when he kisses. Maybe he's overcompensating for his sad gray mane.

This is a first: Emily tells us that John and Doug "are on the bubble". Who the hell is John? Wait a minute...

Yeah, Wolf deserves to go home, he's never been a contender, he's just been the best Wolf of any of the guys.

Wolf tries to save himself by showing Emily a ripped picture of Jesus or something that represents his Grandpa who died. Classic Wolf.

All of the sudden, now it's Angry Doug who finds himself behind the eight ball. I guess his strategy of not kissing her isn't paying off like he hoped.

Also troubling: Doug can barely talk. Remember when he had no weaknesses? The only thing that was wrong with him was that he loved his kid too much. Emily begs him to show some balls and he can't. Instead, he cries to us about his kid and it's kinda funny. No, it's really funny.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

SEAN - it's him, Jef, and Arie at this point, with Arie way ahead

JEF - when he gets eliminated, it's gonna be a great cry

ARIE - cheater

Before she gives out the final rose, Emily silently turns and walks the hell out of there. She goes outside to where Chris is standing with some random girl. This is hilarious, because Chris just said "this is the final rose of the evening", then what? He went out for a smoke break?! Why would he be outside now? Bizarre!

Chris: "I told you before, there are no rules here". Uh, pretty sure there are a few rules, otherwise all of them would be gone and she'd be dating Arie right now.

Basically, what it all boils down to is that she wants to get rid of Doug AND Wolf. The double eliminator! WAIT, hold the phone. No, she wants to KEEP both of them. What the fuck?

Oh man, that would've been so much better if they both were sent home. They have no business still being here. No business!

On the other hand, one more week of Wolf. Still needs to be mentioned: she hasn't asked him why his name is Wolf.

Next week: Emily finds out that Arie used to date a Bachelorette producer. Things stop getting polite, and start getting real.

Goodnight!

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"Girls" Sucked, Then Got Good, Then Sucked Again

What a roller coaster ride it has been for "Girls". We all know the history of this show now - breathless anticipation, critics telling us it was the best show of all time, the pilot completely not living up to that, etc.

And then as the show continued, it found itself. I started liking it. Some of that adulation finally started to make sense.

Tonight was the finale. And I have to say, it wasn't too great. I think it was a misfire. So what are the critics saying...

That it was the greatest finale that there has ever been!

I don't get it. Why the unrelenting praise for this show? Sure, it has it's moments. It's solid. But come on! I almost feel it there's some overcompensation going on after the initial hype and the backlash. Now they have to double down on it. Well, it's all just a little much. These guys are making me want to hate the show even as I'm liking it.

One of the critics I linked to above called this season "one of the better first seasons I have ever seen". 

Okay, first of all, it was 8 episodes. 8! You want to stack that up against "Friends" and 22 episodes? I don't think so. That's just an absurd thing to say. It was an uneven first season. There was greatness, and there was not so greatness, and that's fine. I like the show a lot, and I'll watch next season, but settle the fuck down.

Of course, if you criticize it, that means you hate women and nepotism and are totally jealous of Lena Dunham and all that. But I'm sorry, sometimes it simply disappoints. And the finale disappointed. Tonight the characters were acting completely out of character.

SPOILER ALERT

The wedding was a crazy leap. It came out of nowhere and was way too convenient. Brian Williams daughter hooking up with Moynihan? Really? I know what they were going for, but didn't they already do that in the last episode? It was the same beat just played out all over again, in an even less believable way.

And I love Adam - Lena Dunham's boyfriend, but his sudden love for her in the finale was a tad ridiculous. Plus, they did the ol' guy pacing in the middle of the street thing, which, if this is the greatest show ever, seems like a thing we've seen a million times.

Again, I like the show! But it's not perfect. And that's okay. So shut up.

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RIP Henry Hill

When I first moved to Los Angeles for grad school, I got a paid internship working at a small agency. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I was an agent's assistant - answering phones, mailing contracts, etc.

The agency mostly represented writers and directors, but for some reason they also represented Henry Hill.

Henry Hill is the real life mobster played by Ray Liotta in "Goodfellas". So they represented him and his family and selling rights to their life story. Some people are lucky enough that just their very existence is considered a "property" in Hollywood. Thus began my decade long mission to get paid just by being Irwin Handleman.

But the real job they were doing for Henry Hill was babysitting Henry Hill.

He was a mess. An alcoholic who found trouble wherever he went. There would be conference calls where Henry would call in and get in screaming matches with his ex wife, Karen. If you've seen "Goodfellas", you know exactly how that sounded.

"KAREN!!!" It was weird to hear the real guy yelling that.

But the reality was far sadder than the movie. It was actually quite depressing.  Yet there was something endearing about the guy, and everyone at the agency felt a responsibility to protect him from himself.

Anyway, one day Henry calls in and I pick up. You always knew it was him because it was a collect call. And this one was from rehab.

He needed to talk to his agent and it was urgent. There was a situation in rehab. I had never heard him so full of life. All of us assistants listened in.

Henry wasn't calling to help himself, he was calling for a new friend he had met in rehab. Robert Downey Jr.

Iron Man was having a tough time in rehab and none of his family and friends would take his calls or do anything for him. He convinced Henry to call his agent to help bust him out of there.

I kind of forget what ended up happening, but I'm pretty sure the agent just laughed him off. It was pretty clear that Henry didn't care, he was just reveling in the fact that he was "helping" this celebrity.

He loved the lime light, and just like in the movie, loved being a guy who could do things for people. To have power. And now that that was long gone, pretending to be a big shot who could bust people out of rehab was as good as it could get for him.

Well, Henry died today. The amazing part is that he lived as long as he did - between drinking and drugs and criminal activities and the entire mafia wanting him dead, no small achievement.

And just as amazing is how far Robert Downey Jr. has come since then. In my time in Hollywood, he has gone from being stuck in rehab having to ask an old drunk for help, to starring in what is one of the biggest movies of all time.

I love LA!

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Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 5. Get the F Out

Emily and little Steve Zahn have traveled to England. They look at some buildings and Emily says "we don't have anything like this in Charlotte". You mean indoor plumbing?

The first one on one date is with Sean, the blonde insurance agent with an an amazing body and an even more amazing love for Jesus. He's sitting squarely in second place at the moment.

(Side note: pretty sure I saw Alejandro in the restaurant I ate at tonight, he was very handsome, but that is neither here nor there)

The first part of Emily and Sean's date is on one of those dumb double decker tour buses that people from Charlotte ride in when they visit foreign places. For some reason, Emily is giving this tour and talking like a retarded person. "This. Is. Where. Prince William. Got. Married". Stick to your day job, Emily, you know, pretending to run charities and getting botox.

Emily tells Sean that guys that look like him are usually boring, but he's not. I guess, if you consider John 3:16 not boring...

They go to speaker's corner, and Sean gets up and talks about love. He also talks in that. same. retarded. style. It's all very strange. He says he doesn't know love yet but he's hopeful. You know what he does know? How to smile in the goofiest way possible.

Later that night, Emily has lost her voice. She's sick. It's probably mono, or whatever mutant viruses little Stevie Zahn is carrying around. Kids are disease factories.

Emily likes how humble Sean is. Because he's so awesome but he doesn't sell himself like that. Maybe we should start calling him Tebow. He's big, buff, and boring, and can't throw for shit. Made that last part up.

Sean gets the rose. I'm not sure what was even talked about on this date, other than Emily constantly telling Sean how great he is. It's these kind of conversations that lead couples on the Bachelor to immediately break up after production ends.

The group date involves doing scenes from Romeo and Juliet. They are all terrible, except for Kalon, who is worse only because he's actually trying.

It's possible that Arie has a full head of gray hair.

I've stopped paying attention during rehearsals. I apologize for this recap, but they are seriously giving me nothing.

Kalon and Ryan are rehearsing and Emily comes over. After Ryan is talking to her for awhile, Kalon says "uh, we need to rehearse. You can run along". Such a dick. And so weird. Who does he think he needs to impress here? Is Baz Luhrmann nearby?

They perform in front of an audience filled with bad teeth. Kalon does his best to get a part in Kenneth Branagh's latest, and it's embarrassing. The rest of the guys do the right thing and make a joke out of it. Arie gets brownie points for his role as the nurse. Kalon is upset at him for making a mockery of the theater. Well he doesn't say that but he thinks it.

Ryan gets to kiss Emily in the death scene and milks it for a few extra smooches. Emily calls Ryan "the perfect Romeo". Uh no, if he was the perfect Romeo he'd be dead now and we'd all be happy.

Later that night, Arie gets alone time and does not do anything for us to doubt his hold on first place.

Ryan: "When a girl tells you you're trouble, and she's smiling when she says it, I think maybe sometimes she wants to get in trouble". And 10 other things rapists say.

Ryan gives Emily some jewelry, but while this is going on Kalon is depressed. No Lips Bradley Cooper tries to console him by saying "you'll get a chance". Kalon says "yeah, I'll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her". Uh oh, that's gonna earn you a ticket to get the fuck out ville.

The guys start talking shit about Kalon, and it's revealed that he referred to Ricki as "baggage". Of course Doug, Mr. Perfect who doesn't have rage issues at all, declares that he is going to beat the shit out of him.

The guys confront Kalon about it, and he says he's "not going to retract it". Smart move. Stick to your guns!

So Doug goes to Emily and tells her, and she is pissed. She says "I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass". I have to tell you, I don't know what that means, but I'd like to see that. 

They go back out to the group, and Doug announces "Kalon, you're on the spot". Again, Kalon doesn't back down. Awesome. He says he knows it sounds like a "negative connotation". Emily gives him a scolding, and tells him that Ricki is not baggage, and anyone can see that. Well, not anyone.

Emily: "Is there anything you can say to say no I didn't say that?" Kalon: "No". Emily: "Then get the fuck out!"

And what's Kalon's retort to this: "All I was trying to express was that I always dreamed that my first child would be..."

Emily cuts him off, damn! I wanted to know how that sentence ends. He tries to say something else dumb but she ends the conversation and kicks him to the curb. I wonder if Kalon just gets immediately taken to the Bachelor Pad. Is there a direct flight from London to the Pad? I think the Concorde used to have that route.

I have to say, I'm a little disappointed in this West Virginia, hood rat, back woods stuff. I thought it was somehow going to involve bitch slaps and incest.

Emily's worried about her judgement because how could she let such a horrible person through the cracks? I like this, because no Bachelor/ette ever questions their own judgement. I'll give Emily props for some self awareness.

She's also mad that none of the guys told her until now. In fairness, if you watched the last Bachelor, it's that kind of shit that got people in trouble. Ben hated when people narc'd out others, so let's ease up, Emily. Plus, Doug did tell her, so there you go.

Oh boy, Steve Zahn thinks "the dragon" lives at Buckingham Palace. We got another Einstein on our hands, folks.

The final one on one date is with Jef Bieber. They go to etiquette school. The teacher, Jean, won't shut the hell up. Jef hates Jean. Also hating Jean? Whoever gave her those bangs.

Emily and Jef dine and dash, and head to a pub. Then Jef immediately steps on a landmine. "I was the one sitting there when Kalon referred to Ricki as baggage". Stay away from that, Biebs!

Jef: "If Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I will have forever". Oh Jef. Please. I think Ricki's more like a set of Amelia Earhart luggage. Also, Jef...Chloe handbag? Gay!

Emily says she's unsure of Jef and needs him to "show her rather than tell her how he feels". You know what that means: finger bang.

Emily forces Jef to pour on the compliments. Once again, Emily tells us that Kalon is lucky that she didn't go West Virginia on him, and pull out her ear rings and go crazy. Was Emily from the hood? Was she a hood rat? Why aren't the guys asking her these questions on the date?

Wait a minute, let's do the math: she's a single mother, has fake hair, is a bad parent, and goes out with NFL players. Yep, a hood rat. 

Poor Jef. He's so young and Mormony. Very awkward moment: Emily asks him what would happen if her and a 6 year old moved to Salt Lake City. Would it be "party's over"? And Jef says "the party would just begin! Dance parties every night! You'd come home from whatever you were doing and me and Ricki would be singing and dancing". I can't express how uncomfortable I am with this whole section of the conversation. He's a sincere dude, and that's what makes it so much worse.

Jef gets the rose. Does he finally go for the kiss? Yes. And it's just as bad as we anticipated. And also now he has mono or throat AIDS or whatever she has. Maybe sickle cell, she is from the ghetto.

Cocktail party. And I just realized, you know what this episode has been missing: a steady dose of Wolf.

Emily drills all the guys again for not telling her about Kalon. I don't blame these guys for not saying anything. I get standing up for your girl, but you know, there is a thing called being a rat. Also technically Ricki is baggage.

I hate to say it, but Ryan is doing good things this episode. He tries to "do something" every time he's with Emily. This time, he does some more Shakespeare for her in a good way. I'm not saying he's redeemed himself, but he is at least making the effort. Then again, Emily wonders how she lets these douches through the cracks. This is why.

Oh boy, Emily says that Sean makes her feel "taken care of". That is definitely what she's looking for. After all, why should she have to work or be equal to a man?

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Does Wolf know that he has absolutely no chance with this girl? Is he just along for the ride at this point? Who can ever truly know the mind of Wolf.

DOUG - the rat

RYAN - he's in full woo

CHRIS - if he had lips he would say that he accepts this rose

JOHN - who? Yep, classic...WOLF!

TRAVIS - how is he still here?

ARIE - oh Bachelorette producers, as if we really thought Arie was going home

Coincidentally, Alejandro, who I ran into tonight, is a goner. So silly that they would want us to wonder if she was going to pick Alejandro, who has never spoken, over Arie. I have to say though, the man is very good looking in person. But you can't forget that he is a brown skin, and that don't go over in Charlotte.

Next week: Croatia. And Wolf gets a kiss!!! Wait, so does everyone else. Huge shocker: Emily's edict of wanting them to rat people out totally backfires as they all start getting confused about what they have to tell her.

Goodnight!

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The Tiffani Amber Thiessen Hypothesis

What makes a great actor? Charisma? Believability? Acting range, the ability to play all sorts of roles? The actor himself or herself being completely different than the person they are portraying?

Probably parts of all those things. And that's where this hypothesis comes in, and it is thus: 

Tiffani Amber Thiessen is the greatest actress of her generation.

Now calm down, just cool it. Before you jump all over this theory that just blew your God Damn mind, hear me out.

Sadly, I wasn't able to fully research this and back it up with overwhelming evidence, but please bare with me because I think it is both important and really important.

I had a break from work the past 2 months. In that time I had a regular "not working" routine. In the morning, I would watch 2 hours worth of Saved by the Bell. In the afternoon, I would watch at least an hour of Beverly Hills 90210.

As you know, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is in both of these programs. In Saved by the Bell, she plays the character of plucky, cheerleader, home coming queen and all around good girl, Kelly Kapowski. In 90210, she is scheming, marijuana smoking, money grubbing, club entrepreneur, scheming (she schemes a lot!) Valerie Malone.

As I would watch both of these shows every single day, I came to a realization: I didn't recognize that this actress named Tiffani Amber Thiessen was in both shows. Why? Because the characters of Kelly Kapowski and Valerie Malone are totally and completely different people.

Now, I recognize that perhaps the body changing breast augmentation helps play a part in this. But it is more, it is much, much more.

Tiffani, it's almost impossible to believe someone named Tiffani is a great actor, but she completely immerses herself in both roles, and does it so completely that the person she is underneath is unrecognizable. She is Valerie Malone, and in Valerie Malone, I see no Kelly Kapowski and vice versa.

I have no idea who Tiffani Amber Thiessen is in real life. Let's use 90210 as an example real quick. Shannen Doherty was supposed to be the good girl from Minnesota. Jennie Garth was the rich bitch from Beverly Hills. But over the course of the series, things changed.

The producers of the show could not contain Doherty's true nature, and it was clear to the world that she was pure evil. Same goes for Garth, her character started to become the nice, charity worker girl, because that's who she really is.

But Valerie Malone? A crazy person, all the way through. And Kelly Kapowski? 100% sweetness.

Thiessen/Streep is like the Lebron/Durant debate, I don't know who is better at this point.

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The Thing That Pisses Me Off About Lee Harvey Oswald

I'm a JFK assassination buff. (How do you become a buff?) Anyway, I'm really into it. I've spent many a day getting sucked into the internet black hole of JFK conspiracies.

My take on it is that Oswald was the only shooter that day. BUT, it was a conspiracy involving the New Orleans mafia. I don't want to get us both sucked into the black hole of all of that, so let's move on to my point. 

I've seen a certain argument about the assassination many times (it's even in Stephen King's book 11/22/63) about how Oswald was just a little punk and a nobody, and the idea that he could be in some big conspiracy is ridiculous. But here's the quote I just read today that reminded me of it and pissed me off.

It's from Malcolm Gladwell, who is talking about a book Bill James wrote which includes a chapter about the JFK assassination:

In any case, one of James's best chapters is on the Kennedy assassination. James begins by systematically blowing away the conspiracy arguments. The idea that Oswald was in cahoots with the Soviets or the Mafia or that he had an accomplice somewhere or there was a second assassin or that he was under the control of some menacing force is just too complicated, James points out: It requires too many coincidences and leaps of logic and extravagant assumptions. And besides — and here is where James really shines — there's a much simpler explanation.

Really? That's too complicated?

Well, maybe if we were talking about someone like you or me, a regular working guy. But guess what? Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a regular guy.

While he was in the marines, he decided to teach himself how to speak Russian. Eh, seems like normal stuff. He then defected to the Soviet Union. He then defected back to the United States. Who hasn't done that?

And I'm sure it would be impossible to be in cahoots with the Soviets in a place that only has Soviets. Oh yeah, and he also a married a Soviet, but how could a guy like that ever get involved with them! Such an extravagant assumption. 

He started a chapter of the Fair Play for Cuba Committee - he was the only member - in New Orleans. He began using an alias, AJ Hiddell, and put that name as the president. We all have aliases, right? Whoops, I kinda do. Okay shut up.

He handed out leaflets about Cuba on the street, then went on the radio for a debate about the subject. Normal guy, not into anything out of the ordinary. I'm sure that wouldn't catch anyone's attention or get him involved with government or anti-government types.

Later, he got on a bus and went to Mexico City and tried to get a transit visa to go to Cuba. This is a guy with a pregnant wife and young kid. But he's not in cahoots with anybody! Sounds like someone who isn't in the control of some menacing force at all.

In early November of 1963, FBI agents twice went to his house to talk to him and his wife. I can't tell you how many times the FBI swings by my place. Annoying!

I think I've done enough.

So stop saying we have tinfoil on our hats because we say maybe others were involved. He defected to Russia! Then defected back! This was during the Cold War, how many people in the world do you think pulled that off? If it's more than one, the guy who happened to assassinate the president, I'd be fucking shocked. So excuse me if I have my little theory over here, you dicks.

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Roberto?

I have a question: how come during the Bachelor they run teases that say "if you know someone who should be the next Bachelor, tell us about him!" if they're always just going to use someone from a past season?

Is Roberto Martinez the Next Bachelor? Not So Fast!

Tue., Jun. 5, 2012 4:20 PM PDT by JENNA MULLINS

ABC

There is nothing The Bachelor loves more than a second-chance story. Could Roberto Martinez be next to get yet another shot at love?

Martinez, the ex-fiancé of the most recent Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, is reportedly set to be the star of the next season of The Bachelor. But according to our sources...

MORE: Ali Fedotowsky Breaks Silence on Split From Roberto: "We Were Unhappy More Than We Were Happy"

That's not happening! At least not yet.

Even though Life & Style is reporting that that Martinez has already signed the contract to appear in season 17 of The Bachelor, we're hearing from our insider that this rumor is not true.

However, the 29-year-old insurance agent is definitely still in the mix to be the next Bachelor, but it's way too early for any decision to be made. According to our source, nothing has been signed yet, but it will be finalized by the end of the summer. We also hear that ABC has been doing a casting search for unknowns, as well as waiting to see if any of the guys from this season of The Bachelorette stand out to them.

If Martinez were to appear as the new Bachelor, this will mark the first time the show has had a non-white star. In April, a suit was filed against ABC for racial discrimination by rejected Bachelor contestants Nathaniel Claybrooks and Christopher Johnson, who claimed they weren't given an equal opportunity to appear on the show because they were African-American.

Yesterday, counsel for ABC responded to the lawsuit, claiming "television casting decisions are protected by the First Amendment." Warner Horizon Television previously released a statement saying that the suit was without merit and that both shows have always been "vocal about seeking diverse candidates."

MORE: The Bachelorette Recap: Ryan Continues to Stroke His Ego, Emily Maynard Calls Him "Manipulative"

Martinez won the heart of girl-next-door Fedotowsky in the last season of The Bachelorette, but the engagement was called off back in November after 18 months of dating.

ABC tells us: "We don't comment on rumor and speculation."

Do you want to see Martinez get a second chance at love as the next Bachelor? Or would you rather an unknown take over next season?

Read more: http://www.eonline.com/news/watch_with_kristin/roberto_martinez_next_bachelor_not_fast/321335#ixzz1x3o81GLs

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Or Maybe I Watch More TV Than Anyone in the World PART 2

Thank you all for the great comments on the last post. Really interesting. The "I only watch TV on the internet" people commented first and I was like, man, I'm completely out of it! And then my cable loving brothers and sisters finally showed up and evened it out a little. That made me feel better.

But now I have even more questions!

I'm pretty surprised by the amount of people who go the Hulu/Itunes route. I guess it's more popular than I realized. But here's the main question I have:

What happens when you get ready for work in the morning? You just listen to music? Nothing? What about when you're about to go to sleep? You read? What if there's a big news story (high speed chase)? Politics? MSNBC? CNN? Sports? What if there's someone you love, like a comedian or musician, on Conan? You don't care? You have no soul?!

I don't know, that seems like a lot of TV that goes into the "miscellaneous" category that you miss doing things this way. But again, I probably need the TV on more than most.

The other thing is, you have to be pretty into TV to be motivated enough to seek this stuff out through ways other than cable. And if you are that motivated, you'd think that you'd want cable/satellite there for you.

Apparently, this isn't the case. There seems to be 2 different kinds of serious TV watchers: those who like to see "what's on", and those who only want to watch what they want to watch, when they want to watch it. And that second group has no need for anything else.

That's what we've learned.

Obviously, there's going to be changes in TV. But I feel like there has to be a certain group of people, like me, so entrenched in the "what's on"/flip on the TV when I get up and when I go to sleep" camp, that I can't see TV completely going to the internet for quite some time. It's just too much work, and cable is still a pretty good, though expensive, system.

On the other hand, I may look back on this post in 5 years like Mitt Romney looks back on his health care law. Those of you without cable news have no idea what that reference means.

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Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 4

This is the "2 on 1" episode, where 2 men leave, and 1 man returns! Or as the French call it, a menage a tois to the death.

But that's not all people, we're going to the beautiful island of Bermuda! I guess 3 weeks is all the excitement you can possibly wring out of Charlotte. Time to go somewhere interesting, but ugh, Emily brought Steve Zahn with her. That's like bringing boring, erection killing sand to the beach.

The first one on one date is with Doug, the angry Dad who doesn't care enough about his kid to leave the show. The guys bust Doug's balls about how nervous he is for the date. Basically, it seems Doug was yapping about the date for a long time, so the guys just kept bringing it up until he realized they were messing with him. And then, the angry Dad gets, well, angry! "I can't understand jokes, I have a kid! When you're a father you can't afford to laugh!"

Arie does a solid imitation of Doug as the Hulk.

Emily gives credit to Doug for his willingness to go shopping on the date, "he's up for anything". Or maybe he's just doing what the director is telling him to do. I almost want to go on the show just to be the one guy who goes, "you know what? this date isn't for me. Let's go to an arcade". "Irwin isn't up for anything, but he can play the shit out of Golden Tee".

They walk through some magic stone circle thing and make a wish. They don't tell each other what the wish is - because then it won't come true! - but Emily tells us in an interview what hers was. So if my knowledge of wells and fountains and general wishery is correct, she's gonna be single forever.

Emily worries that Doug is always giving her the perfect answer, just like Brad (or was it Chad?) used to. I guess she's looking for someone who says dumb things. Maybe that's why she likes Ryan.

But what she really means is every answer from Doug is about his stupid kid and being a dad. When asked "what would an ex girlfriend's major complaint be about you?" His answer: "I spend too much time with my son". I feel like I must come to Brad's defense here, he would never say that, he hated kids and talking to Emily.

Doug asks Emily to name her faults, and as she goes down the list Doug goes "that's not a fault! that's not a fault! Emily "I don't work out". Doug "that's not a fault!" But somehow by doing this Emily realizes that "it's really hard" and maybe Doug is that perfect. It's this kind of decision making that led her to be pregnant at 18.

Doug: "I have not kissed a girl in..........months. Months and months, it's been a really long time, actually".

Doug: "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss".

Okay, here are some faults: Doug talks about himself in the third person, might be a born again virgin, knocked up some chick who ran away...

I don't know what they're talking about, it's actually kinda easy.

Group date. They go sailing. Kalon is excited to "hit the high seas...this is my element". Whose element is the high seas? Easy there, master and commander.

Emily says a couple of the guys have experience "on a booze cruise". Classy bunch.

2 teams sail against each other for time with Emily. The team with Arie, Jef, Ryan, and Kalon win. The good news is that you know at least two of them are going to say something stupid on the date.

On the ride home, Charlie (on the team of losers), cries. Maybe he just misses the high seas.

Ryan toasts to "a beautiful, possibly, trophy wife". One down.

Arie gets alone time, and is awkward, but gets the makeout. He doesn't believe in Doug's philosophy, he just does it. Hard to believe anyone knows more about ladies than Doug, who by all accounts, is perfect.

Jef, with his flop of hair blowing magnificently in the wind, tells Emily how much he likes her. Emily is happy about this, the openness, not the hair. And then there's a weird moment, where it was obvious that she wanted him to kiss her, and he didn't. Instead, he goes "well, let's head back". Ha. Never good when you voluntarily want to end your alone time.

Ryan gets alone time, and oh man, it's embarrassing. I can't do any better, so here's what he says:

"I have a lot of coaches tell me that the enemy of great is good. Just being good isn't enough. There's a lot of depth here, you know, to who I am. I have a very, I guess, mature approach to relationships. I'm not here to impress you, but to make an impression on you".

Well, you're doing great, cause you're totally not impressing her at all. 

Emily mocks him for his dumb expressions. He says "it's kinda flirtatious too". Emily brings up the whole "it's not okay if you get fat" thing, and Ryan doesn't let us down. He says "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman".

Hey Ryan, God did not design your hair to look like that. 

Emily just laughs at him and you can tell she respects his craziness and his inability to read her, but it's clear he is going home right quick.

Ryan scolds her for kissing Arie. Emily apologizes, but tells us that there's a bullshit double standard and that Ryan is judging her. Honey, he told you that he won't tolerate you getting fat, him being upset about seeing you kiss someone else is the most sane thing that's come out of his mouth.

Jef gets the rose. Okay, just noticed Jef is from Utah. And his response to getting to the rose tells me that perhaps Jef is not as "cool" as previously believed. He might be a virgin.

The 2 on 1 is looking to be awesome: it's John vs. Nate. Wait, who the hell is John? Oh, you mean Wolf? Classic Wolf.

This is also awesome for a non Wolf related reason: these guys look exactly alike! Except one is blonde and one is brunette. It's like an episode of Bizarro Superman. What's the exact opposite of a Wolf?

Do you know how sad I'm gonna be if Wolf goes home tonight? That will leave us with zero dudes with animal names.

They take a yacht to the Bermuda triangle and Nate wonders if they're gonna get lost in it. He also calls it the Bermuda love triangle. I mention this because these are the first sentences Nate has spoken on 4 episodes of this show. I thought he was born without a tongue.

We get a camera shot looking down on Emily in a bikini, which explains why I'm getting a bunch of hits from people googling "emily bachelorette boobs fake".

They sit at an awkard table where they aren't facing each other. It looks like how the judges sit on American Idol. Plus, these guys are big dull duds and have nothing to say. Uh, may I make a suggestion? How about discussing why one of them is named Wolf?

They eat quinoa, and Nate mispronounces it, which is especially funny because he asks Emily if she likes quinoa and she says "yeah!". Maybe they're perfect for each other.

Nate gets alone time, and basically gives up and presumes she doesn't like him. Have to admire a man who knows the show. She says "what do you want me to know about you?" He starts talking about his family and breaks down and cries. There goes my admiration.

So what does Wolf do? On his alone time he says he's stoked about being on the 2 on 1. It gives him a chance to prove his Wolfness. Emily loves his confidence. She also loves the movie Teen Wolf, but that's neither here nor there. 

Crazy to see the difference between these dudes. Nate is a pathetic mess. I don't know what is going on. There had to be more to this story, because he knew he had no chance here.

And the rose goes to...Wolf. Classic...you know.

They really blew this date. It's much better when it's competitive and you don't know who is going home. Poorly done.

At the cocktail party, Alejandro pleads his case for the rose. She doesn't tell him about how she feels about brown people.

Ryan has another cringe worthy conversation with Emily that I won't spell out here. Just know, a Texas accent and bragging was involved.

Arie is the clear leader at this point. I don't think anyone is even remotely close. I'm not sure she could take anyone else besides him seriously. Sean? Jef? Chris? Is this over already?

Very funny scene of Ryan and the long haired guy talking in front of a cozy fireplace. 

Even weirder, Ryan says he's "called to something higher". Which means? He thinks he should be the next Bachelor. Seriously. He talks to camera and pitches himself as the next Bachelor. "I think that would be neat for everybody to see".

Then Ryan and Doug brag to each other about how they're not trying to kiss Emily.

It should be mentioned that Emily's fake ponytail is disgusting. 

It's really boring, but Chris is all pissed off because he's 25 and some of the guys are saying he's not mature enough for Emily. He's mad at Doug the most. First, he tells Emily that he's ready, then he brings Doug outside to yell at him about it. It all seems very pointless. Who cares?

Every time I see Chris I think "hey someone ripped Bradley Cooper's lips off!"

Chris says exactly what Emily was saying to Doug, "I don't believe you...there's something you're trying to hide...". That would be awesome if Doug was hiding a giant secret. Maybe it's not really his kid, and he just kidnapped a kid to have a better chance on this show. That would be more believable to me than Ryan being a real person.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

The only way Ryan stays is if the producers told Emily to keep him and get rid of long haired guy because he adds nothing to the part where this is supposed to be entertaining.

SEAN - baby jesus

ARIE - he has constant "stoned eyes". He's like James Franco hosting the Oscars 24/7

TRAVIS - egg or no egg, he is somehow still here

CHRIS - he's too young

RYAN - he's the Bonnie Raitt of the show, he gives us something to talk about

KALON - wisely hid under the Ryan weirdness this week

ALEJANDRO - see? I like brown people! I'm not racist at all.

And that means long haired guy, and crying Charlie are history. Thank God, let's trim this fat. Travis, Ryan, and Alejandro have no business here either.

Oh, long haired guy's name is Michael. And he's 26, that's too young according to Doug. He sorta cries, but it looks they just filmed him after a big yawn or something.

Charlie looks exactly like Biff Tannen from Back to the Future. Can't believe I'm just seeing this. Well Charlie, make like a tree, and get out of here!

Next week: they go to London. And I'm pretty sure Ryan finally says something even stupider than usual, and Emily tells him to get the fuck out. Well, yeah.

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Or Maybe I Watch More TV Than Anyone in the World

I've read many articles about the demise of "traditional" TV in the last few years, and here is another. I demand that you read it.

I've always agreed with the general sentiment (that eventually we aren't going to watch TV in the same way because of the internet), but thought that it's much farther away than these people claim. It sorta began with what Jeff Zucker did at NBC. He thought it was happening then, and adjusted NBC's old model to that, and failed horribly. Because the change isn't here yet.

But much like the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, I'm frightened and confused by this whole thing. And I'm very confused by what this article, and this guy specifically, is saying. Let's break it down:

"If not for live sports, which are consumed by exactly one member of our household (me), there is no way we would be paying for cable TV or any other kind of traditional pay TV anymore."

Okay, what? You're telling me that the internet (Hulu, Netflix, Itunes, etc) is right now sufficiently covering what cable/satellite does? How does this work exactly?

"We still consume some TV content, but we consume it when and where we want it, and we consume it deliberately: In other words, we don't settle down in front of the TV and watch "what's on."

I don't understand this! I get that I'm sounding like an old, out of touch old man here, but probably the thing I like the most about TV is settling down in front of it and watching "what's on".  I love the randomness of it.

I've watched Tango and Cash 3 times in the last month. If I had Tango and Cash on my DVR, I would never watch it. Ever. But seeing that it's randomly on Saturday afternoon? Sure, I'll check out the prison escape again!

Another example of how I do things: The show Friends is on constantly on multiple channels. I could season pass any of them and have a million episodes on my DVR to choose from. But guess what? I don't like choosing from them! I love that someone scheduled a marathon on TBS, and when it's halftime of the Heat game, I can turn the channel and watch a little bit of it. If it was recorderd? I'd never watch it in a million years.

Having 500 channels and watching "what's on" is what TV is all about for me. And I think this implies something more:

That we know exactly what we want to watch.

I watch TV, I read about it, I work in it, I think I know it as well anyone, and I don't know what I want to watch. I like to be surprised about what's on. I like to discover new shows. I can't think of a worse TV experience then sitting around and going, "all right, time for me to watch that episode of Grey's Anatomy, let me go to Itunes for it". That's not how I watch TV. I turn it on, and then...surprises await!

What am I, a God Damn computer? I'm gonna be responsible now for thinking up every movie that's ever been made and remember that I'd like to watch it? That's what HBO and FX and Showtime and that stupid Direct TV channel is for. They have libraries of junk and a guy who sits there and goes, "what is it, June 3rd? Let's put Air Force One on again". They are there to remind me, remind all of us, oh yeah, I love Tommy Boy! I'm in! We're not gonna remember that all the time.

Also, this:

And, again with the exception of live sports, we've gotten so used to watching shows and series without ads that ads now seem extraordinarily intrusive and annoying. Our kids see TV ads so rarely that they're actually curious about and confused by them: "What is that? A commercial?"

I'm not a complete dinosaur, I've watched shows on the internet. I've done it a lot, actually. And you know what it had a lot of? Commercials. Hulu is the worst. There's no skipping those. So I don't know what the fuck this dude is talking about.

This also gets into the area of what happened to the music business. People are so proud of this not watching commercials thing. Commercials are the reason networks invest money into TV shows. They are the reason this stuff is good. So I'm okay with watching commercials as long as they keep making new episodes of Revenge.

"Networks" are completely meaningless. We don't know or care which network owns the rights to a show or where it was broadcast. The only question that's relevant is whether it's available on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, or iTunes. This means that one of the key traditional "businesses" of TV--the network--is obsolete.

Then how do you know what new shows are even on? Shouldn't you care who is making them? AMC is going to make a different kind of show than CBS. Without commercials and networks, I don't understand how you're finding out about these shows. Are we just going to get stuck with what's currently on forever and ever? Or is this guy dependent on people like me, who actually LOVE TV, to tell the idiots what is good.

I think there's some argument that goes, "it'll be just like the internet, where you only go to the sites you like only when you want to, and they're there". Guess what? That's not good! You are missing things you might be interested in every day because you don't know about it.

Now imagine there's a "guide" button on the internet, and you hit it, and then a giant scroll comes up, and it says what news and articles are on every different website, now that's helpful. That's cable TV! Isn't it great? I think so.

The fact is, when left to our own devices, we're not going to find the stuff we like. At least the lazy people won't. And most people don't want to make it their job to seek this shit out. We need help, and there's nothing wrong with that. If we do evolve into a system where "we just watch what we want when we want it", we're going to miss everything.  

There is so much money in the network business right now that, initially, this shift won't mean much. Over time, however, it will. Unprofitable networks will be merged with profitable ones. Unprofitable shows and overpaid talent will be cut. Overpaid managers will get fired. Production costs, on aggregate, will drop. Sets, crews, newsgathering, etc. will be consolidated. The fat will get squeezed out of the system.

Oh, you don't want unprofitable shows? Then goodbye television. Cause you won't have anything to watch but The Big Bang Theory and Wheel of Fortune.

Also, the fat has been squeezed, believe me. But as always, a business guy looks at creativity in the dumbest way possible. It's what the Japanese executives at Sony said when they bought Columbia pictures, "(I'm paraphrasing) Your problem is the unprofitable movies, just stop making those". Yeah, it doesn't really work that way. 

And you know what? Sometimes there's nothing better than bad TV. Do you really want to say goodbye to that? I don't.

Really, the crux of this article is that TV is changing and we shouldn't have to pay as much as we used to. I agree that TV will change, but if you don't pay as much, you won't get as much in return.

In my opinion, $100 bucks a month for 500 channels of 24 hours of entertainment is a fricking steal. If we all start paying less, they'll have no incentive to make good shows. We've seen this before, in newspapers and music, and the results of this new model have not been good for anybody.

So I maybe a caveman clinging to my old beliefs, but I'm a caveman who has seen every episode of Cheers and Coach in the last 2 months, and I'm pretty happy about it.

I'd love to know what you people do. Where do you get TV from? Do you pay Itunes per show? Wait for stuff to come out on DVD and then stream from Netflix? Go on the network's websites and watch it there? Let me know.

Now if you'll excuse me, Point Break is showing on some movie channel I didn't even know I had, but boy am I'm happy I do.

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