Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 7

We are in Prague, or as Emily calls it, "like being back in the olden days". In the deep south, the schools teach that all of the olden days took place in Prague. And that evolution is a lie.

This is the last episode before Emily meets the parents. So with any luck, we might meet Papa and Mama Wolf.

The first one on one date is with Arie, which is basically a complete waste of time. Some of you noted Arie's lip licking before kisses, a la Ben. I did notice it, but I only saw him do it on one kiss so I cut him some slack. But we'll see if he pulls it again here...

They go see the sights, and Emily wonders in amazement about how so many people stood in those same spots and looked at these same things. Um, pretty sure you could say the same thing about Charlotte, and that place isn't even olden times.

Shit! They've shown them kissing twice, but cut to them mid kiss so we couldn't tell! Attention producers: we need to see all pre-kissing activity.

Okay, some more bullshit: Emily tells us that she knows a "secret" about Arie that he isn't telling her. And she's waiting for him to say it. How does she know that all of the sudden? Where is this coming from? Just cause she knows now he's going to magically bring it up?

Back from the commercial, Chris Harrison awkwardly talks to the camera and tells us that Arie had a "relationship" with one of the producers - several years ago. Apparently, once things got serious between Arie and Emily, the producer chose to tell Emily about the relationship.

Nothing makes sense! This feels completely set up! Why does this need to get brought up at all? If now, why not sooner? Stupid.

Emily is pissed because if Arie is hiding this, what else is he hiding? I kind of understand her deal, because she's brought up this girl many times to him and Arie has never even said "oh, I'm actually friends with her", etc.

It should be mentioned here that Arie looks like death. It looks like he just woke up, at all times.

Another thing worth mentioning? The producer Arie dated is not cute. In fact, she looks a lot like Arie. 

This is funny though, because Emily is trying to give Arie hints to confess, and he has no idea what the hell she is talking about. I've had many conversations similar to this. Trust us, ladies, we don't know what you want us to say. Ever.

Back from commercial, Chris awkwardly talks to us again! What the hell? And get this, he tells us that Emily, Arie, and the producer all talked about "the issue"...OFF CAMERA!

Nice. They forgot the most important part of doing a TV show is that it's a TV show. This is really, really bad.

They cut back to their date, and now all is forgiven. In fact, Emily is saying it's HER fault. Was part of that off camera talk a drugging? She might've been brainwashed, or they had the most amazing three way ever.

Here's something: Arie confesses to Emily that he loves her. But before he does it, he licks his lips! Then he kisses her, with no lip licking. This guy is really switching it up.

Finally, some excitement: the next one on one date is with Wolf, which is his first. "It's tough for me to open up and be vulnerable". They don't call you Wolf for nothing.

There's some more bad Emily tour guide talk. And she keeps complaining about how she and Wolf have nothing between them. Then why did you give him the rose! Stop crying about it, you're the reason he's still here.

At dinner, Wolf tells a sob story about how his last girlfriend, who was "just like him", cheated on him a week after their year anniversary. Nothing says "winner" like "I've been cheated on!". Classic Wolf.

Emily: "it makes me feel sad for him". That's hot, passionate, howling at the moon type stuff.

Wolf comes back home and tells the guys that the date went well, pissing off Chris and Sean. Somehow, Sean gets out of their hotel and begins running the streets of Prague looking for Emily. Can't you just ask the cameraman where she is?

Sean running around shouting Emily's name is as stupid as it sounds. Well, at least they're getting this on camera.

He finally tracks Emily down as she stands alone in a weird tunnel for no reason. God, this is bad.

Sean: "What are you doing walking around all by yourself?" Emily: "The producer that fucked Arie told me to stand here so I did".

Not sure why the dramatics were necessary, because the next day Sean is on the group date with Chris and Angry Doug.

Emily: "Doug is such a great guy" = kiss of death.

Emily and Doug have another bizarre conversation where he nervously tries to insist that he is perfect. What happened to this guy?  He can't even talk to her now. And then the best thing ever happens:

Emily realizes that this isn't working and is giving Doug the goodbye speech, as in, she's kicking him off the show. And in the middle of it, he kisses her!

She's like, "Okay, thanks for that..." and then continues with the dumping speech. It's amazing. This guy might be retarded. One of those angry retards with kids.

Doug: "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss". You should. You really, really should. But it's good when the stupids know that they are stupid.

Doug: "I did not see that one coming today". You're kidding. I thought when you tried to make out with her while she was sending your ass home that you totally knew it was coming.

We get a funny crying Doug moment in the taxi of broken dreams. He does that super high voice cry thing, sounds a little like Robin Gibb.

Now the group date is down to Sean and Chris, and Chris is rightfully frightened because obviously he is the odd man out. And also he has no lips.

So what does he do? He gets Emily alone and complains about not getting any one on one dates. Good strategy. Chris: "I'm not gonna dwell on it", while he's dwelling on it.

Emily gives the rose to...Sean. Duh. Chris can't believe it, because he hasn't been paying attention. 

The final date is with Jef, so it's just the gals. They go into a store with puppets. Jef is somehow an amazing puppeteer. He's a regular Derek Mantini (special shout out to anyone who gets that reference without google help).

There must be some mistake, Jef appears to be wearing Emily's jeans. They're not skinny jeans, they're just 3 sizes too small in the legs.

This just in: Little Steve Zahn has been kidnapped. She hasn't been seen in forever. They might've left her in Croatia "on accident".

Jef starts talking about the upcoming hometown visit, and says his parents live in South Carolina and she won't be meeting them. Why? "They're, like, committed to some stuff for a few years". Can you say Mormon mission? That's gotta be it, right? So weird how he said it and it was just brushed over like it was a normal thing to say.

Uh oh, trouble in magic underpants-ville. Jef reveals to Emily that he broke up with a girl because his parents didn't like her.

That is a bad sign. What kind of an asshole does that? So you only like someone if your parents like them? You can't go off the reservation in liking people? How in the heck are you supposed have 7 different brides if they are all that carefully screened?

Jef: "I'm gonna date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you". Know what he won't be doing the fuck out of you? Fucking.

Back at the house, Wolf is in fantasy land. He keeps talking about how well his date went. Shut up, Wolf, it didn't go that well at all. I hate a cocky Wolf.

Emily chooses not to have a cocktail party and just goes straight to the final rose ceremony, which pisses Chris off. He thought he was going to talk to her beforehand and that was going to totally save it. Yeah, that's how it normally goes. I'm not surprised by this show too often, but I'm pretty amazed how weird and crazy and dumb Chris turned out to be. He's an emotional wreck.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

I'm surprised they're getting this on camera.

Emily drops 4 "y'alls" in her preamble.

JEF - the stormin' Mormon

ARIE - glad he convinced her with that talk we didn't see (have to point this out one more time: that "talk" that they didn't get on camera was with a producer on the show. A producer. It's one thing if they went off on their own and had a conversation away from the cameras, but the producer was there!)

Before Emily announces the final name, Chris interrupts the proceedings. He's totally tripping out and on the verge of tears. What he lacks in lips he makes up for in acting like a psycho.

Chris tells her that he's falling in love with her and that he doesn't want it to end. Then they come back to the ceremony and Wolf is visibly angry. He just got pussy jacked!

CHRIS - and it worked.

Oh man, I hope it's not a full moon tonight. Poor Wolf. Actually, screw Wolf. His date sucked and he thought it was the greatest thing ever. Goodbye, Wolf.

Next week: Emily realizes all of the guys suck.

Goodnight.