Team Handleman's Finest Hour

The Black List came out a few days ago. That's where Hollywood agencies and managers vote on the best unproduced screenplays of the year. That's also where I usually get angered by everyone writing about zombies and putting the word "fuck" in their titles.

This year's list didn't really stand out too much. There wasn't anything that annoying about it (though there was a "Fuck" title, of course). If anything, the screenplays this year all seemed really serious.

And by serious I mean there were almost no comedies. Also, there was a nice lack of movies that seemed to just throw every gimmicky thing into one story, like last year's "Bethlehem":

 A group of people struggling to survive a zombie apocalypse make an alliance with a vampire, trading themselves as food in exchange for protection since zombies don’t eat vampire.

Everyone knows zombies don't eat vampire, that's just common made up knowledge.

But this year was different. I counted 24 scripts that are set in the past. Historical dramas. And there's another 5-10 that are set in the future or involve time travel. That's pretty amazing. What the hell happened to present day? Are we not good enough for these jerks? There's some interesting shit going on in '12, people. Recognize.

Is this some sort of "Mad Men"/"Boardwalk Empire"/"Playboy Club"/"Pan Am" effect. Hello? Everyone forgot about Playboy Club and Pan Am already?

I don't know if those shows have anything it do with it, but it almost felt like instead of the Black List it was trying to be the Oscar List.

Anyhoo, onto more important things, like me. And my awesome scripts that may or may not have fuck in the title. If you can't beat'em, fuck'em. I mean, join'em. So...remember this?

And then this...

And finally, this masterpiece:

Well, I figured out all of those cards and jammed them into 100 pages of sheer movie magic. I gave that script to my manager. But just my regular manager who does TV stuff.

Quick aside: I've had the same agent for a while, since I was on Mind of Mencia. You know he believes in me if he stuck with me through those years. Anyway, 2 years ago he decided he wanted to get out of the agent business and become a manager. Why? Who the fuck knows? I just know that he doesn't wear ties anymore.

So he becomes a manager, and because he's the first representative I've had who took my calls, I stuck with him. Now I had a manager and no agent. But there was a secret awesome bonus to this move: the management company he went to also happens to have two feature writer managers who sell a shit load of scripts.

Okay. Back to the story. The regular manager guy gave me some notes. I rewrote it. A lot. Then gave it back. And yesterday, I got a phone call from one of the big feature manager guys. And he liked the script! Which was great and a big relief. Cause it's always uncomfortable when you write something and it's bad and then they have to pretend like maybe it's not.

I sat on the phone with this guy for an hour talking about the script. He went through, in great detail, everything in it. It was awful...and fantastic!

It was awful because it's kinda hard hearing all of the stupid words you've written down read back to you and have to take responsibility for them. Also, there were so many things that as soon as he said them I knew were dumb and wrong. You think with a hundred pages, you're gonna get away with some shit. Nope! Wrong. He read every word, and pointed out all of the dumb ones.

But it was awesome, and quite possibly Team Handleman's finest hour, precisely because he DID read every word and was enthusiastic about it and making a huge effort to work with me to make it better. Pain is love, guys. Ja Rule had it right.

So after 2 years and many drafts, this guy did the impossible - made me excited about the script again!

I know that there are a lot of writers that have had nothing but positive experiences with their "people". That just hasn't been the case for me. Especially with feature people. The people who work on the movie side of the business, for the most part, act the way you imagine Michael Bay acts. They think they are rock stars. They act like the busiest people on Earth. They think they are working on more important things than everyone else. But the reality is they're selling Rob Schneider movies.

So this process with these guys, who have been nothing but great, has been a huge step forward and quite possibly has given me back the will to live. Though I'm sure that will be destroyed again shortly.

I am addressing these notes - which mostly involved clarifying things and some tonal issues, nothing major - and then we will try to sell it next year.

I will keep you updated. The dream lives on!

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The Xmas Hot List 2012

Most of you do not read my ramblings for tips on the black man's music. But you should know that there are a few loyalists out there who do. So this post is for them. 

A yearly tradition is me driving from LA up to San Francisco for Christmas. When that occurs, I put together my Xmas Hot List to listen to on the way up. It consists of the best songs of right now. Produced and performed by (mostly) black people.

Herewith is this year's edition:

1. "Rise Above" - Wiz Kalifa, Pharrell (I thought Pharrell died. Seriously, he was everywhere, and then he was gone. Maybe he was doing that stupid NERD side project that I don't care about)

2. "Ridin" - A$AP Rocky featuring Lana Del Rey (I never understood this Lana Del Rey chick, she sucked ass on SNL, but this track made me understand)

3. "Misunderstood" - R. Kelly and Jeremih (you think I'd have a hot mix without R. Kelly? Shame on you)

4. "Miss Right" - NeYo (currently looking for an attractive lady who appreciates the new NeYo album as much as I do. Harder to find than you would think)

5. "Beauty" - Wale

6. "Fuckin' Problems" - A$AP Rocky featuring Drake, 2 Chainz, and Kendrick Lamar

7. "My Life" - 50 Cent featuring Adam Levine and Eminem (Upset alert! Adam Levine made the hot list, no one saw that coming. He's the Jeremy Lin of this list)

8. "All That" - Game featuring Lil' Wayne, Fabolous, Jeremih

9. "Diced Pineapples" - Rick Ross featuring Wale and Drake

10. "To the World" - Kanye West featuring R. Kelly (R. again!)

11. "Thinkin' Bout You" - Frank Ocean (many listens, but it's still great)

12. "Tell Somebody" - Chris Brown (this is not an endorsement. This is about music. Please don't judge me)

 13. "Don't Judge Me - Chris Brown (I told you not to judge me!)

14. "Amen" - Meek Mill featuring Drake

15. "Show Me" - Usher (star of "In the Mix")

16. "Jealous" - NeYo

17. "The Recipe" - Kendrick Lamar featuring Dr. Dre (aka the best song of the year)

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Hollywood Height Chart

What are your surprises here? My biggest one has to be Emilio Estevez. Seriously? Jack Black towers over him! Didn't see that coming. In my head, Michael J Fox is a million times shorter than Estevez. The man was Billy the Kid!

Second biggest surprise: Bardem. Skyfall sucks even more now. You can't be scared of a 5'7" gay man, you just can't.

And finally, anytime you have a list of heights and Ben Stiller is on the Manute Bol side of the equation, you are in true oompa loompa land. What a crazy business. Thank God they all have giant heads, which is the key to everything.

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Plots That Don't Work Anymore

You know how there's all of these random people on the internet who make elaborate videos for youtube or create pointless (yet entertaining) websites? They always seem like incredibly time consuming things and you wonder who these idiots are and how they have the time and energy to devote to making this stuff? I'm talking about things like this. No seriously, LOOK AT THIS. Try and comprehend the fact that someone did that. It's what I spend all day thinking about.

Anyway, I have ideas that I would love to waste time on but never do. One such idea is a website devoted to cataloguing stories from old TV shows and movies that no longer work because of today's technology.

Yes, I can imagine internet users around the world stopping by this website, nodding their heads and smiling, ever so slightly amused for about 2 seconds, then returning to the Huffington Post. It's quite a dream.

Well, that dream is never gonna happen. But I'll just say that I was watching Beverly Hills 90210 and Steve Sanders found out that his Dad was running a sweat shop. He spent all day dealing with the consequences, and thus forgot that he was supposed to take Hillary Swank and her dumb kid to Magic Mountain.

If this were to be made today, you'd have to explain why Hilary Swank didn't just text Steve "where are you?" or "Hey dumbass, we're supposed to be going to Magic Mountain now". You can see the difficulties cell phones cause in crafting stories, especially TV stories. It makes me wonder if the degree of difficulty is truly higher these days in making plots work. Or are we all just so used to it now that it's the same as it ever was.

I didn't think too much of the 90210 thing because you see that type of shit all the time. But then a few hours later an episode of Friends came on. After Rachel complained of not being able to find her Walkman, an Encyclopedia salesman stopped by Joey's apartment and there's an entire runner of him trying to sell Joey an encyclopedia.

Okay, first of all, I don't even believe that Walkmans were normal to have back then. Second, Rachel Green seems more like a discman type. 

The fact is these would be great examples for my future website that will never happen. Oh well. Another million dollar idea down the drain. But I'll be on the lookout for more of these because if you haven't noticed, I actually do have a blog that I waste a ton of time on.

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Lord of the Deus Ex Machinas

In 2001, a friend invited me to go watch the first Lord of the Rings movie on opening night. As we sat there, taking in all 3 hours of dorkiosity, I fidgeted in my seat. What a piece of shit, I thought. Boring. Pointless. Way too much walking. And even worse, not even a complete movie. A three hour first act of a movie.

I kept looking over at my friend who seemed to be fidgeting in his seat as well. And I thought of the rest of the poor audience, suffering through 180 minutes of our lives that we would never get back.

Finally, mercifully, the movie ended. My friend and I walked outside, and I turned to him, "What a piece of crap, huh?" He looked back at me, "That's the best movie I've ever seen".

He wasn't kidding.

And neither was anyone else. And the rest is movie history.

11 years later, The Hobbit has come out. A prequel to the Lord of the Rings. Yes, somehow that 3 hour first act could've included 3 hours of garbage before it!

I never stuck around to watch The Two Towers and Return of the King, so I don't know how things worked out for those guys, but I assume it all came up roses. Nevertheless, for reasons that you don't need to know about, I was dragged to an opening night screening of The Hobbit.

But things were different this time around. Instead of critical praise, this movie was getting dumped on a little bit. It turns out, Peter Jackson can no longer do no wrong. The man made King Kong, for Christ's sake. And many critics have not been kind to The Hobbit, and none have have tongue kissed it the way they did the original trilogy.

So I'm like, damn, I thought the Lord of the Rings was bad, and this is supposed to be worse? This is gonna be rough. I better get an extra box of sour patch kids. But I was shocked at what I saw:

Despite the difference in critical reaction, The Hobbit seemed like the same exact shit I watched the first time around. No better, no worse, to me. I can't tell the difference!

You know how conservatives have some sort of mental block that does not allow them to understand facts or reason? That's how I am with these movies. I can't process them. I don't get it. It's not entertaining to me in anyway, and I can't tell when it's good or bad the way everyone else can.

To prove it, every critic is saying the first hour of The Hobbit is incredibly slow and bad. That first hour was my favorite part! I'm a Middle Earth-tard. 

Just like the last one, this movie was only an act one. The stated goal at the beginning of the movie is not accomplished. You have to wait to number 3 to get there, or at least that's how it seems. So it's 3 hours, you have to pay for a full priced movie, and you don't get an ending. Sweet!

My confusion over these movies comes from the complete reliance on Deus Ex Machina.

Yes, I had to look it up, but I kinda knew. Anyway, here's the official definition of Deus Ex Machina: An unexpected power or event saving a hopeless situation, esp. as a plot device in a play or novel.

In case you don't know, Deus Ex Machinas are not good. They are things employed by writers who don't know what they are doing. Who have written themselves into a corner and need some magic bullshit to get themselves out.

And they are everything that the Lord of the Rings movies are about (and Harry Potter as well, which I hate just as much).

From the 6 hours I've watched, here is the formula for everything that happens in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings:

People walk somewhere. Every 15 minutes, these people are attacked by monsters. Just as it looks like the monsters are going to kill them, they escape thanks to the help of some magical bullshit that was never previously setup.

I don't know how audiences are enjoying this kind of storytelling.

Maybe just the spectacle is enough. But man, it is predictable. And repetitive. And there's no build to anything. It's walking, walking, walking, attack, magical save, walking, walking, walking...

To get specific, I need to issue a:

SPOILER ALERT

Near the end of the movie, guess what happens? You guessed it, while they are walking they are attacked by some monsters. And just as it looks like they are going to die, Gandalf kissed a butterfly and summons a bunch of giant eagles that fly them out of harm's way.

I should mention that although Gandalf is probably a famous character to you, he isn't to me. I have no idea what magical abilities Gandalf has and neither does the movie. But suddenly, just when they need it, he can summon giant eagles. Okay...

Anyway, the giant eagles not only whisk them out of danger, they also fly the characters right up close to where they've been walking to all along.

Um, why didn't they just summon those fucking eagles at the beginning of the movie?! They could've avoided the whole dangerous journey. Wait, I know why: because the eagles were just some magical bullshit the writer needed to save the day. 

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Period Comedies Do Not Work

From Deadline Hollywood (the inspiration for so many blog posts):

After exploring 1960s New York City with Mad Men and the Nebraska territory circa 1865 with Hell On Wheels, AMC is heading to Colonial Boston for a comedy project, now in development. Titled We Hate Paul Revere, it is written and executive produced by writer-actors Ethan Sandler and Adrian Wenner (Whitney). It centers on two brothers living in Colonial Boston who are not fans of local industrialist and activist Paul Revere.

That's a fine idea. Sounds funny. And I bet the script will be hilarious. But when it is filmed and put on TV, it will not work. Because period comedies do not work.

Well, usually they don't.

To be clear, I would not include stuff like Happy Days or Laverne & Shirley in this. That's not the period I'm talking about. When you watch those shows you barely remember that they're in a different time. I'm talking about anything set in a time that does not resemble our own. 

Like, for example, Year One or Your Highness.

Here are two theories/reasons for this:

1) A huge part of comedy is the ability to relate to the situations. There's a reason Jerry Seinfeld begins every joke with "Have you ever noticed...". That's huge. No one has ever noticed that George Washington doesn't pluck his nose hair. We can't identify with that the way we can relate to a close talker.

2) From a production stand point, comedies can't pull off historical shit like dramas can. Daniel Day Lewis isn't playing a wacky Abraham Lincoln, he is Lincoln. And Spielberg isn't worrying about the jokes in Gettysberg, he's making that shit look like Gettysberg.

Historical comedies always seems like a great idea. There are so many possibilities. Especially the notion of throwing modern types into well known historical events (Black Knight, Almost Heroes).

It's funny on the page. Cause you get to think of things like, "remember Paul Revere, American hero? Yeah, well what if he was a huge dick and a glory hog? So our main character is all pissed off at Revere, and while he's running around yelling The British Are Coming!, our guy is back at Revere's house fucking his wife!"

It sounds interesting. But it does not translate to the eyes. We know that's not Paul Revere. We know that's not how it went. We can't relate to how stuff was back then. There's no investment in it whatsoever. It's just goofy for goofy sake.

I guess the only exception to this rule is if you go completely absurd with it, ie Monty Python or Mel Brooks or sketch shows. Just admit you're in crazy land and go super big.

On a side note, it should be fun watching AMC get into the comedy game. It will remind us all how much harder comedy is than drama. But I'm very happy about it - I always love having more networks to pitch to and be rejected by. So AMC execs, I'll see ya soon with my show, "Benjamin Franklin Totally Loves Dudes".

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You Win, Old Navy

After hearing my complaints, Old Navy responded with this commercial, which I very much appreciate:



"Euro Rusty" = awesome. Where in the hell did they dig him up from? On second thought, who cares? I'm just glad they did. Well done!

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How to Sell a Movie Pitch

Some breaking news over at Deadline Hollywood:

Warner Bros is negotiating to acquire Get Hard, a comedy pitch package that will be developed as a star vehicle for Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart.

The plan is for Ferrell to play a rich, soft-handed investment bank manager is sentenced to a maximum security prison for a crime he didn’t commit. He hires the streetwise guy who normally washes his car to get him ready to do hard time in the 30 days before he has to report to prison.

Seriously? I give up.

Why am I killing myself trying to come up with original ideas? Black guys helping white guys do criminal stuff! That's all you need! That's the only idea there is so I should just stick with it.

You may remember last year's "Tower Heist" (or maybe you don't). A big budget comedy.  Some ordinary folks want to rob from the Bernie Madoff type guy who ripped them off. Only one problem: they don't know how to steal. So who do they enlist to help them? Eddie Murphy, the black guy. He knows how to steal.

Or how about "Horrible Bosses". Three white guys want to enact revenge on their horrible bosses by murdering them. Only one problem: they are white. They don't know how to murder. Who do they enlist to help them? Jamie Foxx, the black guy, who becomes their "murder consultant".

But really, I am ignoring the even bigger elephant in the room. A movie called "Big Stan". Starring Rob Schneider. The logline:

A rich, soft-handed real estate con artist is sentenced to a maximum security prison. He hires a guy to get him ready to do hard time before he has to report to prison.

In fairness, the movie came out in 2007, and that's like a million years ago. I'm sure the comedy writers who pitched this have never heard of it. 

SERIOUSLY

Fuck this shit.

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A Bachelor Record

I just looked at the 25 Bachelorettes for the new season and discovered something crazy:

4 black chicks.

Whoa! A new record. Thanks, lawsuit accusing the Bachelor of racism!

How uncomfortable is it going to be when Sean eliminates all of them on the first night?

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Terence Winter

The season finale of Boardwalk Empire lived up the hype. We finally got the scene we always wanted from the best character on TV - Richard Harrow. I always say, you don't have an extensive gun collection and half a face and stay peaceful. I'm glad he proved me right.

Boardwalk Empire was created by Terence Winter. He used to write on The Sopranos. And when I hear the name "Terence Winter", I only think of one thing: cool HBO shows. That's it. Those things are synonymous in my mind.

It's such an important sounding writer name. Terence Winter. Terence Winter writes important drama. Terence Winter writes award winning art. Irwin Handleman writes fart jokes. These things make sense in our brain. Some names just pigeonhole you.

So imagine my surprise when I look him up on IMDB to see where he got his start and find these credits:

2005 Get Rich or Die Tryin' (written by)

1999 The PJs (TV series)

1998 DiResta (TV series)

1998 Diagnosis Murder (TV series)

1995-1998 Xena: Warrior Princess (TV series)

1996-1997 Sister, Sister (TV series)

1996 Flipper (TV series)

1995 The Great Defender (TV series)

1995 The Cosby Mysteries (TV series)

That's right, the man responsible for highbrow HBO stuff used to write on Sister, Sister and Xena: Warrior Princess. It's kind of inspiring.

Why? Because can you honestly say that Get Rich or Die Tryin' is better than In the Mix? You can't! In the same year, 2005, Terence Winter and Irwin Handleman both wrote black movies starring musicians who can't act.

I wrote for Carson Daly, he wrote for a dolphin. Same motherfucking difference, folks. I might have a Boardwalk Empire in me yet.

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Mexican Christmas Vacation

So many odd things. Juliet Lewis? And yet, no Rusty? Who are those people with them? How are they so ethnically diverse? Why don't they have any lines? Were they born without a tongue? Why don't Mexicans know who the Griswolds are? Did the Mexicans and the Griswolds hang out on set together? Which one did they shoot first? Is there one for black people? Asians? Was Randy Quaid even contacted? Is he still on the run? Real tomato ketchup?

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Hot Yoga

I tried hot yoga recently. Someone told me it's a good idea to stand near the windows, especially if you're new, so I did. And that's when I realized how old I am.

Cause I'm standing by the windows, doing the yoga, it's all well and good. But here's the problem: I have absolutely no attention span. And this shit is BORING. It's so stupid hot that all of the movements are all minimal and slow. I'm not a details man. I need movement. And someone yelling at me for more movement.

This was all quiet and focused. My mind was racing. Thinking of a million things OTHER than my breathing and if I should push myself to get my nose to touch my dick. Finally, the dude comes over and opens the windows to let some air in. 

Now, I recently had some work done at my house. Replaced some windows. So as he's opening the windows, this is what's going through my brain:

"Are those Milgards? The Tuscany? Gotta be the Tuscany. Double paned. Wait, no, single paned. No, they're definitely double paned, for sure, the Tuscany. That's a good window. Must be cause of the heat and keeping the place quiet. Any good window man would've recommended the Milgard Tuscany in this situation. Strong choice".

That's when you know your youth has died. When you're thinking windows in a room full of half naked women, it's time to contemplate burial plots.

But anyway, I'm not gonna go back and do hot yoga again. It's not because of the windows. It's not because of the heat. Hell, I used to live in Arizona, it actually felt a little chilly in that room to me. Nope, the reason I'm not going back is for one simple reason:

The Hot Yoga Teacher's body.

The Hot Yoga Teacher was a dude, a little younger than me. And we're all doing this class in basically our underwear. There's nothing to hide. And this guy, who is an expert, and presumably does this yoga every day, and can do all of the poses perfectly, his body just ain't that good.

He wasn't fat. It was just a lot of nothing. Girls aren't fucking this guy for his body. Maybe for his flexibility, I'll give you that. But not for the body. 

So if I do a million classes, the best I'll do is this guy? No, thanks. I'll think about windows on my lying on my couch, like any respectable old person.

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I Still Don't Know What the Password Is

The other night I met someone at a bar. They suggested the place. I showed up and a valet guy took my car. On the sidewalk, just outside the front door, was an old man in a half bellhop, half tuxedo looking outfit. 

There was a gay couple in front of me talking to this Tuxedo Man. He asked the gay couple if they had a reservation, they said yes. He found their name. Then he asked them for the password. They said something that I couldn't hear, and they were led into the place.

I stepped up to the Tuxedo Man.

TUXEDO MAN: Do you have a reservation?

ME: No.

TUXEDO MAN: Okay. What's the password?

ME: Don't know.

TUXEDO MAN: Right this way!

And he led me in to a half-filled bar.

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Boardwalk Empire Up, Homeland Down

"You and me sit down and we talk about who dies" -- Al Capone.

Sunday nights. If you want to be in on TV conversations Monday morning, it's a good idea to not have plans on Sunday nights. There's just too much. Homeland, Boardwalk Empire, Revenge, The Walking Dead...

Well, maybe not Revenge. Not this season, anyway.

But the other three...good or bad, they are fun to discuss the next day. 

Homeland and Boardwalk are both coming to the end of their seasons. And they seem to be going in opposite directions. Homeland had an amazing first season that it hasn't yet recovered from. Boardwalk Empire, on the other hand, had a promising first season, a little better 2nd season, and is now killing it (oftentimes literally) in its 3rd.

Homeland's struggle, and Boardwalk's success, are the result of the same thing:

The difficulty, and splendor, of having to do a lot of episodes. 

The thrill of Boardwalk Empire this season is watching everything come together to form a complete whole. Little things setup in the beginning of the season are coming back to matter in the end. And though it can be laborious to watch at times, it's pretty darn rewarding to see stuff pay off.

They've successfully used the straight up longness of a TV season to its advantage.

Boardwalk Empire has always been a little frustrating for me. I want to love it so badly. Why? Because there's so much cool shit there! And yet they seem to take all of these cool elements and do uncool things with them. You got Chalky White, man! Use him! Have him kill some motherfuckers. And Richard?! One of the best characters on TV and you give him nothing? How dare you. There's so much God Damn restraint on that show. It's obnoxious.

Stop letting stupid Gyp Rosetti get angry all the time and actually use the awesome characters you've already established. They can get angry too!

But finally, as this season has gone on, they've found their coolness and used it. It's fun to watch all that potential become realized. The finale is next week. And shit will go down.

And then there's Homeland.

The classic example of a TV show that only thought it would be on for one season. Call it the "Prison Break" conundrum. You almost wish there was room for TV to do one off seasons of shows like these. Or they should at least have the balls to blow things up and start over. I don't watch American Horror story, but I respect that they completely redid things for season 2.

Homeland is sputtering for the exact same reason that Boardwalk is flourishing, because they have to keep making more episodes. It should've ended at season 1. Brody should've died. Brody needed to die. But he didn't. He couldn't. Because a successful show must go on. And a lead actor must keep breathing.

I thought they did some cool things at the beginning of this season. But then the daughter/hit and run storyline happened to all of us. And yikes.

That had all the look and feel of a classic stall. They needed a diversion before they got to what we're really interested in, and this just wasn't good enough. The daughter sucks. As cool as Richard is on Boardwalk, the daughter is lame. It would be like Happy Days deciding to ignore Fonzi for awhile and put Potsie front and center. No one wants to see that.

Now, it could be that this whole hit and run thing will come into play in the end. Maybe Abu Nazir is going to (hopefully) blow up the daughter, or at the very least put her through a rigorous driver's training course. But even if that happens, which I doubt, it just wasn't something any of us could care about. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still on board. It just feels like I'm watching a show that didn't know it was gonna have to stick around. I'm hopeful they had a plan all along and things will ratchet up in the last 3 episodes.

But regardless, the show has had it's Landry/Tyra murder moment, and it's yet to be seen if, like Friday Night Lights, it can recover from it. I hope it does, because I'm enjoying these Sunday nights.

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Entertainment Weekly Says...

That Silver Linings Playbook "could only spring from the mind of David O. Russell". I bet it sprung to his mind when he was reading the novel, Silver Linings Playbook.

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For the Conspiracy Theorists

Read this.

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The Eddie Murphy Special

I've had quite a few depressing nights recently, but none can compete with the Saturday night I had a few weeks ago. My Arizona State Sun Devils were playing Oregon State at 7pm, so I was meeting up with some other alumni at a bar to watch the game. Okay, all of what I just described is depressing, but that's not the depressing part.

The bar was in Hollywood. So I had to drive my ass all the way from Hermosa Beach, about a 40 minute hike. I get there, we watch the game, and it goes exactly the way all of ASU's games against ranked opponents have gone for the last 15 years.

With the game out of reach, everyone was sad and I was tired, it was time to go home. I hit the road for the long drive back. As I'm pulling into my driveway, my phone rings.

It's a friend of mine who rarely if ever calls me. "Hey. What are you up to?" "Nothing", I say. He says, "You know that Eddie Murphy Special they're doing for Spike TV? I was at the taping tonight. Anyway, I have an extra ticket for the after party, do you want to go? It's in Hollywood".

As I watched my garage door close, I exhaled. FUCK. I just got home from Hollywood. I was toast. I politely, and regretfully, declined.

Depressing.

But I haven't even gotten to the depressing part yet!

I was so bummed about this. Eddie Murphy?! After Party? Come on, ain't no party like an Eddie Murphy after party cause an Eddie Murphy after party has trannies.

It was around midnight. I brushed my teeth. Took my contacts out. Settled into bed. And that's when the texts start coming:

"I was just talking to Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry!"

"The after party moved to Eddie Murphy's house! I'm at Eddie Murphy's house!"

"Um, Stevie Wonder is here"

"I'm on a couch sitting between Judge Reinhold and Tracy Morgan!"

"Eddie is playing us his favorite R&B concert videos...no big deal".

Seriously. Seriously? Seriously.

Judge motherfucking Reinhold!!!

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I Might Be a Jerk

I was at the grocery store, and the guy in front of me turned around. He smiled, recognizing me, and we shook hands. I went to college with him.

Actually, we were in the same dorm freshman year together. In fact, we were on the same floor together a few rooms down from each other. This may not seem like that big a deal, but when the school has 50,000 kids and the dorm has 14 floors, it is at least noteworthy.

We were friends. Other than being dorm neighbors, I went out with a girl who was his girlfriend's good friend. We hung out and he's a good guy. Very nice. Easy going. I lost touch with him after school ended.

We went to college in a completely different state, and now, coincidentally, he lives a few doors down from me in Hermosa Beach. He works at Paramount in the entertainment business. Clearly, we have a lot in common. We are practically living parallel lives. But here's the thing: aside from a possible future run in at the grocery store or a local establishment, I will never talk to him ever again.

Why in the hell aren't we friends?

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Maybe I Just Hate All Movies Now

You all know my thoughts on "Argo", which I refuse to back down from. Nevertheless, I recognize that not too many people agree with my assessment. On Friday, I went and saw another movie that everyone says is great, "Skyfall".

Meh.

I'm pretty surprised by the universal praise of this film. Even the audience in the theater I saw it in absolutely loved it. I don't get it. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm saying it's not bad. It's not that great either.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Just 2 movies after James Bond was rebooted with Daniel Craig as a young, Jason Bourne badass, suddenly he's suffering from a midlife crisis. That was quick. One of the Hemsworth brothers better start warming up in the Bond bullpen at the rate this is going.

But okay, fine. It's not a bad premise. Unfortunately, it is never really played out. Unless you count the fact that Bond kills the bad guy with a knife, because that's "old school"...or something, it is basically dropped. There are a lot of references to him getting older, and M as well, but there's no payoff or meaning behind any of it.

Where does he struggle with this age thing? He doesn't pass a physical? Okay, well, he still kicks everyone's ass and shoots perfectly on target when he needs to. The villain gains no advantage from this supposed weakness.

The movie was going along great - cool opening, good setup, and a terrific scene when we meet the bad guy, played by Javier Bardem. He's the best part of the movie, and it's no surprise he can play creepy. A bigger surprise would be him playing a non-creepy person.

But right after this introduction scene is when things start to fall apart. First, we get the tired old gag where the bad guy gives himself up and all is well...but that's exactly his plan! I liked it the 73rd time, when the Joker did it in The Dark Knight.

It's straight out of every book on screenwriting and it's tired as shit. I'm not saying it can't be done anymore, but at least dress it up a little.

And after this guy's genius plan, of stealing a list that reveals all of the agents working undercover (previously seen in the first Mission Impossible and a bunch of other stuff), and manipulating the gas pipes via computer to blow up MI6, it suddenly becomes all about killing M.

That's it? What happened to that island you took over? What happened to the list? Nope, just a straight revenge killing. Which is fine, I guess, but that sure was a lot of setup for that. Also, earlier the girl said that Bond doesn't understand true fear until he deals with this guy. I liked the sound of that. And yet he turned out to be a completely inept killer. Where was the "fear?" I wanted the fear!

This brings us to the ending.  Retreating back to a house and preparing it for the bad guys to come is something seen in just about every Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme movie ever made. It's not the hack factor that bugs me though, it's that it is so boring.

Take, for example, the last Mission Impossible movie (which I loved). Think of the inventiveness of that scene in the parking garage. That was a massive, amazing set piece. Now compare that with basically an updated version of the ending of "Lost Boys".

It's no comparison. Mission Impossible went the extra mile with that sequence. Skyfall seemed to run out of either creative capital or capital capital. There was a great chase sequence at the beginning of the movie. Normally, you want your finale to match or hopefully exceed that. This wasn't even close.

As the credits began to roll, I thought to myself "well that ending sure was a big let down". And then I heard the people behind talking about how amazing it all was. That's when I realized that I have completely lost touch with the American public and what is considered good. Well, it was fun while it lasted! I'm officially out of the Hollywood's demo!

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My Episode of Suburgatory Airs Tonight

ABC. 9:30.

Well, it's finally here - the reason my posting has been so sporadic these days. The first episode I wrote for Suburgatory airs tonight after Modern Family. It's entitled "Foam Finger".

The truth is I feel a little silly saying this is "my" episode. The show is really a collaborative process - one that I will go into detail about at a later date - but since my name will be up there with a "written by" credit, I might as well go with it. But just know that all of the writers do it together.

I'm really proud of the episode and how it came out. Although I've written a lot of hours of TV, this was my first official experience in the sitcom world. I learned a lot. And got to be on set for the week of shooting it took to put it together.

When you do the sort of sketch stuff I've done, you work with a lot of shitty actors. They take what you think is a great joke, and often take a dump on it. I know it will sound like ass kissing, but the actors on this show are truly amazing. I think maybe I hadn't been around good comedic actors before - although Joel Mchale was great, and so is Tosh, though he would never claim to be an actor - but I was really blown away by their ability.

They elevate the material, and make you look better than you are. That doesn't happen when you're working on a web redemption and instructing some guy from Kentucky who got hit in the nuts on a line reading.

And for me, personally, as someone who was heavily influenced by SNL as a kid, to have veteran SNL cast members reading my words was pretty sweet. Have I mentioned my man love for Chris Parnell recently? Cause I have a lot of man love for him. Literally every word out of his mouth is funny.

The episode itself is a little bit insane. Okay, it's a lot insane. There is an homage in it that, in my opinion, is fucking amazing. And the way it's done, by director (and handsome man) Alex Hardcastle, made it even better than I thought it was going to be when it was written in the script. He mimicked the show that is being referenced in an exact, creepy way. 

So even if you don't like Suburgatory, you might love the homage. If you watch, wait 'till the end and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Thanks!

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For the Record

The head wins!

For the record, Nate Silver predicted every state exactly. I'm no mathmetician, but I think that's pretty good.

The winner of the election was Obama, and it was also the polls. The polls were right.
And this pleases me.

It's nice to know that there are some knowable things in the world. That it's not just hunches and vibrations. And speaking of Peggy Noonan, can we please just take another look at some of that column she wrote yesterday? I mean, seriously:

"Among the wisest words spoken this cycle were by John Dickerson of CBS News and Slate, who said, in a conversation the night before the last presidential debate, that he thought maybe the American people were quietly cooking something up, something we don’t know about. I think they are and I think it’s this: a Romney win."

And...

"There is no denying the Republicans have the passion now, the enthusiasm. The Democrats do not. Independents are breaking for Romney. And there’s the thing about the yard signs. In Florida a few weeks ago I saw Romney signs, not Obama ones. From Ohio I hear the same. From tony Northwest Washington, D.C., I hear the same."

And...

"Maybe that’s the real distortion of the polls this year: They left us discounting the world around us."

And...

"I suspect both Romney and Obama have a sense of what’s coming, and it’s part of why Romney looks so peaceful and Obama so roiled."

Conservatives in the media, it's time to stop being so stupid. Or at least it's time to stop writing the stupid things down.

During this election, I couldn't help but be obsessed with polls. A lot of us were. And with all of the numbers and the pundits and the crazy conservatives, there was a lot of confusion as to what was actually happening. It all gets put out into the world day after day and we immediately forget about it.

But I don't. It sticks with me. And it makes me mad. Why are people allowed to say wrong things and not get called out on it?

The problem is, there's no documentation of all of this. So I get frustrated because I never remember exactly all of the stupid things that were said. This bugs the shit out of me in sports, and especially in politics. The election happens, or the big game, or whatever it is, and I know that people were completely wrong, but I can't remember exactly who they were and what they said. There's no one for me to properly mock.

And then, when the next election comes around, or the NFL draft, I start from zero again. I won't know who to listen to. I'll start second guessing the polling again. Or start believing what Mel Kiper is saying.

Well, not this time. This time, I  attempted to keep a record.

I realized that through Twitter, for the first time, it would be very easy to do this. Because Twitter has a handy function called "favorites". You see a tweet and you hit a little star, and that tweet is saved for you.

So I followed some conservatives, and any time they tweeted something I thought I might want to see after the election, I favorited it.

The election is over, so let's have some fun and look at what some of these genius's had to say. I'll start from most recent tweet to last:

@jeff_jacoby The sound at the Romney event just crushes the Obama campaign. One seemed like a wedding, one seemed like a funeral.

@nolteNC
"Just trust me. There is no way Romney gets 270 electoral votes." -- people who believed Obama's promise to cut the deficit in half.

@thefix
Obama drags around two of the biggest stars in the world for free concerts and can't attract the crowds Mitt does on his own.

@JimPethokoukis
Newt Gingrich forecast: Romney by more than 53%, 300 plus EVs, control of the Senate. He says polls are skewed. (I know, I sed no Twitter)

@thepantau
Sandy Bounce is fading, fading, fading ...

@michellemalkin
OK, here's my official Electoral College prediction for #election2012. http://bit.ly/SILSYv #RomneyRyan2012

@flynn1776
The polls are wrong: The electorate is R+6 http://bit.ly/XeuBtH #tcot #tbrs #teaparty

@keder
so enjoying watching people like @fivethirtyeight and @TheStalwart ruin their credibility. good times.

@keder
I think it's entirely possible for Mitt to run up the score and get 330 electoral votes. If Obama wins, he'll barely break 270.

@keder
Obama has a lock on re-election. That's why he's begging his base voters to show up & running ads comparing voting 4 him 2 sex. Yep. A lock.

@republicandude
I really can't figure out why Mitt is in Pennsylvania. All the anonymous left-wing trolls on Twitter told me Obama already won Pennsylvania.

@RichardGrenell
I cannot believe that PA is in play or the GOP. America is really fed up with Obama

@thepantau
Prediction Time: 1) The election won't end Tuesday night. 7 states will b decided by 1 pt or less. (VA, OH, CO, IA, PA, WI, NH)

@chuckwoolery
I just want the job of giving Obama/Biden lovely parting gifts and thanking them for playing.

@orwellforce
Poll: Romney Up 1 in Michigan http://shar.es/cLF0q via @BreitbartNews

@gatewaypundit
3 more days until Obama throws the mother of all hissy fits in his concession speech.

@jrubinblogger
Landslide Watch: Romney Up in Colorado, Ohio and Minnesota – Tied in Pennsylvania http://shar.es/cNE1A

@keder
I don't care if that MN poll was done by a conservative group. The fact that MN is in play is bad, bad news for @Obama2012.

@keder
Every day that goes by I become more convinced that Obama is going to end up with 47% of the vote. Oh how sweet that would be!

@keder
All the news about actual votes coming in says GOP enthusiasm is off the charts and Dem turnout in Dem-heavy areas is weak, weak, weak.

@thepantau
Early voting has been brutal for Dems. GOP enthusiasm is white hot (becuz racism.) Mitt has >> money. But, Dems have Nate Silver!  

@TPCarney
Barone: Romney with 315 electoral votes >> http://bit.ly/SlLFIy @faith4mishel Obama team panicking, Romney team expands the map >

@MarkLandler
Romney's visit to PA, Plouffe said, is a "desperate ploy."

@orwellforce
So Obama is losing the early vote, has less money, and lower enthusiasm but he's still going to win. Do I have this right @fivethirtyeight?

@orwellforce
Media is bored with Biden's gaffes. Odd, they were so interested in Bush and Palin gaffes that they even invented many of them.

@kesgardner
Has anyone done a good summary piece on how Nate Silver has become the Sandra Fluke of statisticians? I don't get it. #numbersmartyr

@kesgardner
GALLUP: Mitt 51, Obama 46 with likely voters. No candidate at or over 50% this late in this poll has ever lost.

@keder
RASMUSSEN: Mitt now leads in Ohio, 50-48. But I think that RASMUSSEN is oversampling early voters. Mitt's actual lead may be bigger.

@numbersmuncher
Bottom line of PPPs OH, FL, NH polls: If Obama gets much better turnout than 08, he will win by less than he did in 08. Think about that.

@kesgardner
Wow PPP working overtime for Obama this week. Big swings towards him in Ohio, Florida, Iowa, New Hampshire, etc. (no one else shows that).

@snarky_basterd
GALLUP: Mitt leads 50-46 among likely voters. No candidate at or above 50% this late in this poll has ever lost.

@orwellforce
PSA: if I change my mind about OH, I promise to share. That's very unlikely to happen unless Obama closes the gap in national polling.

@kesgardner
I'm currently predicting 296 electoral votes for Romney, winning: FL, VA, NC, OH, WI, CO, IA, NH, and getting one of ME's votes.

 @kesgardner
Right now, the only two GWB states I see flipping to Obama are NM and maybe NV. Mitt has a great shot at WI, fair shots at MI, PA, MN.

@kesgardner
This is what left wing sour grapes looks like. They know they're going to lose. http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_289563/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=cGixjazt …

@ThePantau
 I am VERY confident. I am as confident today that Mitt will win as I was at this point 4 years ago that Obama would win.

@ag_conservative
It's really a shame that our first black president is such a failure. I'm confident Allen West will do when his time comes.

@andreatantaros
Can we just all agree on this: If Mitt Romney wins, Nate Silver will permanently be known as as the "Dick Morris" of poll analysts.

@jimpethokoukis
Is @fivethirtyeight a parody account? Asking for a friend.

@vodkapundit
GALLUP: Mitt 51, Obama 46 among likely voters. No candidate at or above 50 this late in this poll has ever lost.

@tednewton
Typically, if the polls are around 50-47 in the challenger's favor on election day, the actual election results will be around 52-48.

@pounderfile
RASMUSSEN: Among likely voters, Mitt leads Obama 50-47 nationally, 50-46 in the swing states. He has also pulled even in WI at 49-49.

@orwellforce
Worst part of this is that there are STILL people in America who think @BarackObama is a serious person.

@orwellforce
So is @fivethirtyeight anything more than a MSM-approved http://unskewedpolls.com ?

@biasedgirl
This is what a developing landslide looks like in late Oct. 

@BiasedGirl
Dems Begin the Post-Obama Blame Game http://bit.ly/S66HOq

@kesgardner
Obama under 50% in Ohio, col, fla, va, wis, Iowa, nc, mich, nev, nh

@kesgardner
It sure seems that 50% is Mitt's floor while 47% is Obama's ceiling. That is, unless something drastically changes the next 13 days.

@kesgardner
Given the results of the first 4 years, it is literally INSANE to allow Obama to continue them another 4 years. Unless you hate America.

@larryoconnor
I really don't understand how people consider Obama 'the favorite' to win the election. Isn't he down in the polls with no momentum?

@biasedgirl
After Romney wins FL and VA, all he needs is OH and one other "swing" state. But, Obama needs OH and a combo of three more.

@numbersmuncher
Nate Silver’s Flawed Model - Josh Jordan - National Review Online http://tinyurl.com/9ch5ntm via

@kesgardner
Short version of Nate Silver model: (1) yet another bad poll for Obama, (2) ????? (3) Obama is way ahead!!!!11!! 

@numbersmuncher
I think Mitt will win IA and has a very good chance to win WI as well.

@numbersmuncher
And Team O wants us to believe its lead is like it was in 2008?!?! Any idjit who lives in PA knows that there is no way.

@katymom11
So, Mitt is moving staff into PA. PA has been fool's gold for GOPers since 1988. But the Mitt campaign knows what it's doing.

@RichardGrenell
Here in VA we're on the verge of victory. Looking good on the ground. ‏

@kesgardner
I see we're back to cooked media polls of swing states using 2008 turnout models again. They must think we're dumb. @kesgardner Joe Biden's task for tonight: prayer. He is so screwed.

@orwellforce
Remember that model by two Colorado professors that predicts a Mitt win and has never been wrong? They updated it. --> http://www.colorado.edu/news/releases/2012/10/04/updated-election-forecasting-model-still-points-romney-win-university …

@richardgrenell
Dear leftists: Obama has never been as smart as you were fooled into believing he is. I'm sorry you're just now realizing this. Truth hurts.

@dennisdmz
Really, the Dem levels of excitement and enthusiasm for Obama are WAY down from 4 years ago. No comparison.

@kesgardner
Your average liberal is an incredibly selfish person who thinks government exists to give them other people's stuff.

@kesgardner
I'm going to repeat something I said earlier: old media/pundits are badly misreading how the public will react to the Mitt video. #hunch

@keder
I think after yesterday and today, we can make it official: Obama is the worst President in modern American history. Carter can now relax.

@orwellforce
Let me be clear: Obama is the worst president in American history. ‏


I guess the best news is not that Obama won, it's that you won't have to suffer through my election posts for awhile. 4 more years!

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Head vs Heart

Who is sad that the election is ending? Anyone? I'll tell you who is sad, TV stations in Ohio. If they didn't make millions of dollars in pure profit this year, then they suck at their job. This election is the real stimulus bill.

For the rest of us, it is happily coming to an end tomorrow. Who will win?

Fittingly, the predictions from both sides align perfectly with their ideologies

Liberals believe in science. In scientists. In facts. In statistics. In provable things. In evolution.

And so, they are looking at the polls, crunching the numbers, and concluding, that Obama should win. Nate Silver has Obama as 92% likely to win tomorrow.

Conservatives, on the other hand, believe in their "gut". In God. In magical thinking (and magic underwear). In hunches. In anecdotal evidence.

And so, they are looking at the crowds at Romney events and remembering how Obama is "the worst president in history", and saying damn the numbers, Mitt is going to win this thing. Just check out this column written by Peggy Noonan.

She says, as only a magical thinker can, "All the vibrations are right..."

Vibrations? Does Rasmussen do a poll on that?

I don't know. But I do know that elections are the great equalizer. Finally, one thing that can actually put all of this bullshit to rest. We can find out who is right, and who is wrong.

And the better news is that because of the internet, because of twitter, all of this stuff is documented. So many times we just forget all of it. All of the predictions. All of the Nate Silvers and the Peggy Noonans. But it's easily retrieved now, and that's what I'm looking forward to.

I don't know who will win. Maybe the polls are wrong. Maybe the vibrations are right. But the good news is we get to find out.

As for my prediction - I'm a liberal. So I'll take the numbers. Fuck the vibrations.

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They Will Never Admit Anything

Recently, I had a nice lunch with a charming young woman who happens to be a Republican. She also happens to be a reader of this blog. She was upset with me for my "constant conservative bashing". Specifically, my post about how liberals can admit when they lose or do something wrong, but conservatives never do.

You may recall that I wrote about that after the differing reactions to the Presidential debates.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure she ended up completely agreeing with my point, though I can't remember because I was drunk.

The next day I saw an interview with Obama on NBC, and he said as President he's made "tons of mistakes". I thought this was remarkable because I remembered that George W. Bush didn't make a single mistake as President, according to him.

Then I was on twitter, and I got into a little spat with one of the conservatives I follow. If you're not aware, on the campaign trail Mitt Romney told a big, fat lie about Jeep deciding to send all of their jobs overseas.

Romney claimed he read about it somewhere. But that somewhere turned out to be a conservative blog which had simply misread a Bloomberg article. It was bullshit and everyone knows it...except for conservatives. Romney stands by it, and so do all of his fans.

So this gentleman that I follow on twitter tweeted: "The Obama Camp is almost completely based on provably false statements...so I won't be taking the Jeep outrage seriously."

I took this to mean that because the Obama campaign is based on lies, according to him, they're not allowed to be mad that Romney was lying. My point to him was that all of us as voters should be upset when either campaign lies.

Of course, he didn't like that too much so we went back and forth a little bit. He tweeted to me: "free to call out Mitt on Jeep, but you better also be calling out all of Obama's distortions or you are being a hypocrite."

 I replied "that's exactly my point, a lie is a lie no matter who says it".

And then for some reason he tweeted: "so you admit you have never called out Obama's countless lies? Thought so. One of us is a hack, but it isn't me."

I don't know where he got that from, but let's not quibble. I decided to try a different approach. I tweeted this to him:

"let's try something: i say that the obama cancer ad about romney was despicable. okay? now you call out something romney has done. go..."

What happened next? Well, he didn't respond. But I didn't let up, because I am an asshole. I tweeted "I'm waiting..." several times. Then asked why he couldn't do it.

Finally, he responded:

 "I can, you just aren't worth the time or effort. You can go search my tweets. Although Romney never had anything = cancer ad."

HA HA!

"You aren't worth the time or effort"! He had tweeted at me at least 10 times before this! But he doesn't have the time, you guys. He's busy not admitting stuff. 

Are you fucking kidding me? This is who the other side is? Why can't they do it? Why are they so afraid? How are they all on the same exact page on this not giving an inch bullshit? It's really incredible.

So to my young conservative friend, these are your people.

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Interesting Sitcom Tidbit

I'm reading Garry Marshall's memoir, "My Happy Days in Hollywood". Marshall produced Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy, and then directed a bunch of stuff, including Beaches and Pretty Woman and all those shitty "holiday" themed movies that come out every holiday now.

I wasn't that excited to read it, but I needed something to read and the sample was appealing enough. The thing about Garry Marshall is that he seems to be a very positive, happy, upbeat man. He didn't seem like the type to write a juicy tell all. And as I read the book, that turned out to be true.

He covers Happy Days in a single chapter. That thing went 11 years. You could probably write 5 books about what went on with that show. He wrote a succinct, everyone was happy and the show was really fun to work on, chapter.

The same was true about everything else in his life. It was an easy read, but a little disappointing. I hate when people write about stuff and just kind of gloss over the details. "Oh, and then I sold the show, and we cast it, and then it went to number one!" Okay, but can you be a little specific? Tell us a horror story about Baio or something?

Anyway, the book was going along like this, and I had just resigned myself to not learning anything of note, and then Laverne and Shirley happened. And finally, Garry Marshall started talking some shit.

I didn't know this, but apparently that was the worst show to work on, maybe ever. A complete fucking nightmare. And the funniest part about it is that he created it and cast his sister in the lead role. He made her a giant star out of nothing. Gave her a huge career and tons of money. And yet she was a gigantic bitch and terrible to work with.

Unfortunately, this is still Garry Marshall, so even as writes how painful it was every day, he's still being sorta nice. Which can only mean that Laverne and Shirley was even worse than he's describing, which is pretty incredible.

An example of this:

Cindy Williams (Shirley) sued him for making her work too hard while she was pregnant for $20 million dollars. But Garry says the lawsuit got settled and they are "great friends to this day". Um, what?! She sued you! And you're buddies?

But that's Garry Marshall.

Still, pretty interesting.

One other fun fact: he directed Overboard, which as you know, I love. So props for that. Though no good stories about it, just Goldie Hawn was amazing and Kurt Russell was even amazinger.

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Another (Not a Real) Lawyer Show Sells

Remember when I did that post about how certain premises must die. And I wrote about how people always sell lawyer shows where the lawyer isn't really a lawyer? Well, here's another one that was announced today:

It centers on a former Army lawyer who, in order to crack an ongoing investigation, is recruited reluctantly by the FBI as a Shadow Counsel — a “secret” lawyer who operates in the shadows, completely off the record to circumvent existing roadblocks (hired attorneys, interrogators, etc) in classified cases. 

Oh, so it's one of those SECRET lawyers! I always said OJ should've pretended to represent himself and had a secret lawyer in the shadows. Hey, you do the crime in the shadows, you might as well have a lawyer who works in the shadows too.

Christ. The shadows. Shut up.

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The Difference Between Democrats and Republicans

I keep asking conservatives the same question and none of them can give me an answer. I ask and ask and still, nothing. Here's the question:

How come when Obama lost the first debate, liberals admitted that he lost. But when Romney lost the last debate, conservatives say that he won.

Actually, it's not even about saying he won, instead they just complain that Obama was "rude". That's their argument, Obama was being a meanie!

I guess the real answer is: republicans are better at politics. They know that perception means more than reality. You can't concede even the most obvious of points. It makes them look like absolute crazy people to me, but maybe it helps further some overall narrative that they are doing great.

And it makes you wonder how much momentum gained from the hysterical reaction from the first debate over the debate itself. Maybe if liberals pretended like Obama did great it would've helped slow Romney down.

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Why I Love Suburgatory

I'm not sure when it was that I fell out of love with sitcoms. It was probably somewhere between the end of Friends and the beginning of Joey.

Then The Office came on...and it sucked. At least, the first season did. But after that it got good, and I enjoyed it for a few seasons until Jim and Pam got engaged. I had a brief fling with How I Met Your Mother too. I watched the first 2 seasons but then it got stale for me.

But other than that, the sitcom genre was pretty much dead. Dramas ruled the day. After the reign of Seinfeld and Friends, we needed something fresh. I don't know if we ever really got it.

What we did get were a lot of shows that just felt like a barrage of one liners. Cartoons. There was no heart. The prime example of this is "30 Rock".

It's got the best jokes on TV. There's only one problem with that: there is nothing on the show that is in any way believable. There is nothing to relate to. But it has great jokes! Yeah, it's easy to write jokes in anything can happen-land. And I would argue, that makes them a whole lot less funny.

"We were on a break!"

That joke is made a lot funnier because you relate to Ross and Rachel, and are invested in their relationship. I don't think anyone can be invested in Tracy Jordan or Kenneth. They are cartoon characters.

During this time, I didn't even try to get jobs on sitcoms. The fact is I probably wouldn't have gotten hired anyway, but I really had no interest. Plus, there were hardly any sitcoms on the air and hence, nothing to get hired on.

Even though I was technically in "comedy", when I wrote specs I wrote one hour dramas. My favorite shows (at the time) were Friday Night Lights and Rescue Me. That's what I liked to watch. So I figured, that's what I'll write. Why write scripts that mimic shows I hate?

Slowly, sitcoms made a come back. There were more and more popping up on TV. Many of them were of the depressing variety, I'm looking at you, CBS. But Parks and Rec came along - it copied everything from "The Office", even a shitty first season. Then Modern Family. And others.

I still didn't like too many of them. But I got tired of sketch shows and the crappy money basic cable provides. So I threw my hat in the ring, armed with my 1 hour specs.

I assumed this would get me meetings at 1 hour shows. It did. But I couldn't help making the scripts a little funny, so I also got some meetings for half hours. 

I was wary about it. Most of the shows still do that zany joke world thing that I hate. But luckily for me, very luckily, I somehow landed on a show that had a mix of everything that I loved. That didn't live completely in crazy town. That mixed jokes with drama. That had heart. A show called Suburgatory.

Now, I know some of you love the show, and some of you don't like the show. And some of you aren't shy about telling me about it. Thanks for that. But this is about me, and about why I love show and feel so excited to be able to work on it.

Don't get me wrong - there is craziness. There is stuff that is over the top. But that's not all the show depends on. It's also about the characters, and their relationships. There are arcs. There is "will they or won't they?" stuff. Jokes come out of the characters.

Well, it (finally!) premieres tomorrow night on ABC at 9:30 after Modern Family. And I'm really proud of the first episode (well, all of the episodes, really). It was written by our showrunner, and the creator of the show, Emily Kapnek. Despite the fact that she has the power to fire me, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she's a genius.

The episode has heart. But it's also ridiculously funny. It's a balance. A mix of both things. And I think it's the perfect example of what the show is and should be. And what I love, or rather, used to love about sitcoms. Sitcoms like The Wonder Years.

So if any of this sounds good to you, please check it out. And if you can avoid telling me how wrong I am and that I'm an idiot, that would be great. If you can't avoid it, do your worst. If you only want to watch the episode I wrote, which I do respect, it is airing on November 7th.

Thanks for all of your love and support over the years. I appreciate it. And it feels good to be working on a show that I enjoy working on every day. I hope you enjoy the results.

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The Romney Tax Plan

Finally, we're getting some details on the Romney tax plan.

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Argo F--- Yourself

SPOILERS AHEAD ABOUT "ARGO"

"Argo" is out, and it is getting rave reviews. I saw it on Saturday...and I'm not too sure about it. It's a solid movie, certainly not bad, but there were things about it that just didn't make sense to me. And if I'm about anything, I'm about things making sense. That's why I can't like a movie like "The Master" or "Ted".

Before I explain my problems with the movie, let me be clear about something: I'm not trying to be a contrarian. Everyone is loving this movie, and I'm not criticizing it just to be different. I hate when people do that. I love Ben Affleck, you know I loved The Town, and I absolutely wanted to love this movie. But as I sat in the theater, there were a bunch of things nagging at me about it.

A lot of this is probably because it is based on a true story. But because it's a true story there are all sorts of real life, important details that can't be included in the 2 hour running time. So those get cut. And more of those get cut. And still more. And now all of the sudden you have something that doesn't really make sense.

What are my issues? Let's start with the plot of the movie:

Iranians storm the US embassy. They take 66 Americans hostage. 6 escape and go to the Canadian Ambassador's house.

The 66 hostages in the Embassy are tortured. The 6 with the Canadians live fairly comfortably, though they're not allowed to go outside (but neither were the 66, I assume).  And what is this movie about?

It's about saving...the 6! The 6 who are having nice dinners and hanging out and talking about politics. The 66? Well, nothing we can do about them.

Right off the bat, you can see that this is a weird story to tell. We're not saving the people being tortured, we're getting the people that live next to them! That is a little difficult to swallow as a premise. Talk about setting the bar low.

How can we feel good about success when their are 66 people left behind? It's a hollow victory, at best. 

Okay, next: The Hollywood Connection.

To save the 6 people, many ideas are floated. They are all absurd and deemed impossible. Ben Affleck's character comes up with the idea to make a fake Canadian movie. A science fiction film that would need locations similar to those found in Iran. Then he'll go into Iran pretending to be the movie's producer, get the 6, give them identities as Canadians who are working on the movie, and then fly out of the country.

To set up this fake Canadian movie, Ben flies to Hollywood. Hollywood, Canada? No! Hollywood, America. Wait a minute, what happened to that whole "Canadian movie" thing?

Second, are they reading Variety in Iran? Is a full table read necessary? We really need to go to these great lengths to fool these people into believing this is an actual movie? Who are they, Nikki Finke? Is there a Mahmoud Finke?

The most ridiculous aspect of all of this comes at the end. The "hostages" and Ben are at the airport. The airport security guy, who looks and acts like a Persian Charles Manson, dials a phone number given to him by Ben Affleck.

The number goes to a phone in the production office in Hollywood for the movie. Tension mounts as we wonder if the Hollywood guys will answer the phone and confirm that this is a movie.

Okay. Iranians know what movies are being produced, but they don't know a United States area code?

Also, how about just giving the number to the CI fucking A in Langley and tell the boys there to pick up and say "Argo"? You really need a whole office and idiot Hollywood types manning those phones?

None of this makes sense! It's completely and utterly ridiculous! Why do you need to go to all of this trouble. The phone number could go to anywhere. Anyone could pick up.

The filmmakers clearly try to buy back this whole Hollywood idea at the end when they have one of the hostages start showing the storyboards and describing the movie. There are a million simpler ways for this cover story to be achieved than having a whole table read and everything else. Besides, the guy who spins the yarn at the airport wasn't even in Hollywood learning this. He picked up the story in about a day.

Now, remember those crazy ideas they had before this movie thing that they decided couldn't work? One of them was to get the hostages bicycles, and then have them ride to the border. We are told that this is craziness because the border is 300 miles away.

But here's the thing: Ben Affleck picks up the hostages in a van! How about just driving to the border? If they thought bikes had a chance, wouldn't a van work even better?

Finally, the ending. The ending of "Argo" ended in exactly the same way that every single episode of "The Amazing Race" ends.

The team that finishes each leg of the Amazing Race last is eliminated. So it always comes down to two teams trying to finish ahead of each other to avoid elimination. The simple reality of racing is that you're not gonna have a neck and neck finish every time.

And yet, at the end of every race, the editors always make it seem like it is extremely close, even though it usually isn't. There is rarely one team that is so far behind that there isn't some nail biting. It does happen, but only when they can't avoid showing how hapless a team is at one of the stops along the way.

"Argo" has an Amazing Race ending. The timing of that "almost missed" phone call doesn't add up. The guys raiding the Canadian's house are perfectly late. It all feels like putting lipstick on a pig. Or rather, putting lipstick on a race that wasn't all that close.

There's also a bit about carbon copied paperwork that I won't get into here. But 6 Caucasians at the Iranian airport who all have missing paperwork? That doesn't send up any red flags?

Can you tell I had some issues with this film?

But still, it's well made, well acted, and a cool story. Everyone who is saying how great it is aren't lying and I respect their opinion. I just think a lot of these flaws are getting overlooked because this is a true story. But I couldn't overlook it. Because I like things to make sense.

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I Never Imagine That There Are Coasters

(This is a post about making TV. If you are not interested in the process of making TV, please ignore it. If you are my parents, and want to know what I do for a living, and I know you do, read on...)

Many years ago, I was toiling away on a sketch comedy show. I was doing my thing, and it was all well and good, but I didn't have too many other prospects. I wasn't pitching shows, and it didn't seem like I was even allowed to pitch shows.

Meanwhile, there was a guy I knew who was also a writer. Only, he had never worked on a TV show or movie in his life. I mean, zero. And yet, every year, he would sell a pilot to one of the big networks for a sizable sum.

Being the bitter gent that I was, I was extremely bitter about this. This guy had never even worked on a show! How could you buy something from someone who doesn't even know what it takes to make television every week? He had no experience in anything other than using a keyboard!

As you know, I've matured since then. I don't feel the same way anymore. But I think you can see where my childish, many years ago self was coming from. I mean, if you just take a step back and look at the situation, as if it were any other business: can you imagine investing a bunch of money and hiring someone who has never done what you're hiring him to do? It's sorta nonsensical.

Alas, that's show business. And it's more complicated than that anyway. If one of those shows had gotten on the air (they didn't), they would've hired more experienced people to run the day to day operations, so whatever...

None of this is my point. My point is that I was a little bit right. Because there is something that you can only learn about as a writer when you are actually working on a show that is produced for TV. It's something that that guy would never know about, would never think about when writing scripts. And that something is known as...

The Production Meeting

I read a lot of blogs about screenwriting, and I don't think I've seen anyone write about this and I'm not sure why. I find it fascinating, and it's an important (and scary) part of the process of actually producing stuff.

I think as writers we think a script is the be all and end all. We bitterly complain about directors getting all of the love in film. "A film by..." Fuck you. It wouldn't be a "film by" anyone if my shit didn't say "Fade in".

But as soon as you get into a production meeting you realize how much ISN'T in a script. It's really depressing. Your script isn't the be all and end all, it's a starting point with a lot of holes that need to be filled in. And where do these holes get filled in? At the production meeting.

You always walk into a production meeting filled with confidence. And then you sit down across from a room full of hardened professionals, all of whom who have worked on a thousand more shows than you have. They are awesome at their job, and want to do their best, and this is their time to take your hard work and contribute their hard work.

So just when you are feeling downright cocky about the brilliant piece of comedy you have made, the barrage begins:

"What color is her dress?"
"It says the mood is romantic, are there candles? How many?"
"Are there coasters on the table?"
"What is she eating? Asian food? Sushi? What kind of sushi?"
"Chopsticks or silverware?"
"Is her hair in a bun? Scrunchy or clip?"
"What does the banner say behind them?"
"Do you have names for the things on the dresser?"
"Is that gonna be green screen or practical?"

The truth is you don't know the answer to any of these questions. Yet, you think that you should, and THEY think that you should. And if you pause for a second to think about what the answer should be, you start thinking that you've been had. They know that you are a fraud. Cause you are a fraud.

So the secret to these production meetings is to go in knowing that you don't have all of the answers, but you must pretend that you do! Every answer must be given confidently and definitively. No hesitation. No doubt. If you are second guessed, act like they are the idiot. It's your script, after all, only you can say what kind of sushi it is.

Many of the questions you get asked are dumb. But no one who is trying to decipher your script can really guess which questions are dumb and which are vitally important to telling your story, so all of them must be asked. And they are. Every single one.

It's a very intimidating process. But the quick, decisive answer always works. I totally suck at this, because I'm not a details guy. And I'm not good at noticing the look of things. I don't know about clothes or food, or furniture, or any of that stuff. Hell, I didn't even know there were different kinds of sushis. So I really, really have to fake it.

But let me give you an example from TV of what I'm talking about:

I've seen every episode of Beverly Hills 90210 about a million times. The other day I was watching one such episode. It was during the period when the gang was attending California University.

In the scene I was watching, Brandon confronts his girlfriend Lucinda about her making a move on Dylan. In the process of her stalling and avoiding answering him, she offers him some food.

She grabs a plate from the table, and on the plate is an absurdly neat platter of various meats and cheeses.

I've seen the episode a lot, and I never, ever noticed the plate before. Until now.

And that is just a small example of what a production meeting is for. I guarantee you that the writer did not put what was on that platter in the script. You simply can't do it, or else scripts would be a thousand pages long. But there has to be food on that platter, and someone has to say what it is going to be? They went with meat and cheeses, I might've gone strawberries and grapes.

So there you go, Mom. That's what I do sometimes. 

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If You Like Rap...

This is a MUST read/watch.

For those who won't click, here's the west coast cypher from the BET Hip Hop Awards. It's a beautiful thing that these guys are still doing it, and theirs was the best. Respect the west!

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Posts Return on Thursday

Sorry, everyone. Will come back with a vengeance soon...

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What is "The Master" Really About? It's About Farting

"The Master" is not an enjoyable film to sit and watch. I, along with most of America, like movies with stories. A plot. Twists. Turns. Endings. I'm kooky this way. "The Master" does not give us these things. It is not that kind of movie.

So why does it exist?

A movie like this only serves one good purpose: to talk about what it all means after seeing it. So that's why I'm here. "The Avengers" is fun to watch, but you don't need to dissect it for a second. There's no need to, that's not what it is for. 

But if we force ourselves to suffer through 2 and a 1/2 hours of "The Master", we are doing a complete disservice to our money and our time if we don't talk about it. Debating it is the only thing that makes the experience of it worthwhile.

The filmmaker is trying to convey something with this film. At least I hope he is, cause he is certainly not trying to entertain us. What is it? What is "The Master" about? I think I know the answer.

"The Master" is about farting, and our attitudes about what we should do with our farts.

I have not read a single thing about this movie. This is all coming from me just having seen it. In short, these flatulent opinions are my own. And there might be SPOILERS, so be aware.

"The Master" is a simple (non) story about two men. Two wildly different men who discover each other, become fascinated by their differences, fall in (man) love, and then realize that they are too different to be friends. They have contrasting life philosophies that simply cannot exist together.

And what is so "wildly different" about these two men? Well, a lot of things, but really only one thing:

One of them (Philip Seymour Hoffman) holds in his farts, and the other (Joaquin Phoenix) doesn't. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman plays Lancaster Dodd, aka The Master, who is the head of Scientology, er, a cult. Joaquin Phoenix plays Freddie Quell, a troubled World War II veteran who loves pussy and drinking and having a strange looking face.

The two are opposites. Dodd is in control of his life. Freddie is out of control. Dodd believes in searching the past for clues about the present. Or at least pretending to. He believes in thinking before doing things, and trying to understand and get others to understand. Dodd seeks to evolve and adapt and change. But above all, he seeks control. Of his life, and of others.

Freddie believes in living in the moment. He has no interest in the past or the future. He does things without thought. He doesn't want to change. He has no interest in controlling others, he can't even control himself or his urges. He is who he is.

How does this manifest itself? Dodd doesn't let his farts out, Quell does. And the farting life is the better life.

The message of this film is that all of this stuff: cults, psychiatry, religion to some extent, it's all hooey. We are not better than animals, we are animals. We can't help it. And we shouldn't help it.

Thinking about past lives, things that affected us in the womb, it's all silliness. And anyone who is trying to tell you that he knows more than you and can fix your life, is a bullshit artist. And likely their life is a whole lot worse than yours. They don't have the answers, they have the problems. They have unreleased farts. They want to control you, to take away your freedom, because they have no freedom themselves. They're as enslaved as the farts locked up in their ass.

Lancaster Dodd is The Master because he cannot imagine a life in which there are no masters. He doesn't want freedom. He doesn't want others to have freedom either. He seeks control. And deep down, there really is no control in life. Control is an illusion.

The movie is saying don't be like Lancaster Dodd. Let your farts fly.

At the end of the film, Dodd is left living his bullshit life. A house of cards that will eventually fall down on him. And even worse, he's bloated, a lifetime of gas tightly contained inside of him. 

Meanwhile, Quell is released back into the wild, as he was before, living in the moment, fucking mad chicks, drinking and having fun. An animal. A happy animal. He has no worries. No stress. No built up gas. He is home. A smelly, fart filled home.  

And with that, we learn that "The Master" is not Lancaster Dodd. It is Freddie "Let Your Farts Fly" Quell. He is The Master of his own life. The Master of his own farts.

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Embarrassing

I still play video games. Usually, I buy games from Amazon. Occasionally, I go to the local store and buy them in person. I've longed believed that these stores are pulling off some kind of scam. Because there is only 1 or 2 games a month that anyone wants, but somehow there are stacks of games that align the walls that I assume will never get bought.

Even crazier, they buy back your old games for a respectable amount of money. So there's a used section, and just, games and games and games and no one buying them. I'm not sure what's going on or how they are making money. Also, there's Amazon and Target and Walmart and Toys R Us. I don't get it.

Anyway, as I was browsing, the guy who worked there was all over me. I brushed him off, picked up the game I wanted and then met him at the register.

Instead of simply ringing me up, the guy starts barraging me with specials and offers and the like. First, he wanted to know if I was a rewards member. I'm not, and I don't want to be. He then asked what other games I'm "in to". I mentioned some, and he asked if I wanted to pre-order them.

Okay, that's another thing that is suspicious. They're always wanting you to pre-order shit, and yet there is no wait time to get these games. The day it comes out, you can simply go to the store and buy it. Or order it online like a normal person. So I'm not sure what the point is.

But he said if I pre-order it, it comes in a special case! And there's an extra world already unlocked! And it comes with a collector's item map! And an action figure!

He keeps going and going, and finally I have to break it to him:

I'm an adult.

But as soon as I tell him that, I realize something:

I'm an adult.

I'm buying and playing videogames. I'm the asshole in this equation.

He wasn't stupid for thinking I would like these "bonuses", I was stupid for buying the thing in the first place. The reason they're offering them is because only kids should be playing these games.

So then I went home and played the shit out of FIFA '13.  

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Liberals, Right?

I've noticed something annoying, right, and I think only liberals do it. I think it's just liberals because the egregious use of it is on MSNBC, right? The most famous example is Rachel Maddow, right, but the guy who does it the most, to an insane degree, right, is Chris Hayes, who sometimes fills in for her and has a show on Saturdays. 

These rights? are not questions. They're not asking you if they're actually right about anything. It's just a way for them to keep talking, right, so it's a very annoying tic that they think makes them sound smarter or something. 

I was wondering how I was going to demonstrate this annoying thing to you. For you to see it in action. And then luckily for me, Nate Silver came along.

Nate runs a great blog called fivethirtyeight.com, which almost exactly predicted the outcome of the last presidential race. I don't think there's much doubt that he's a liberal, though his numbers are neutral. Anyway, he did an interview with salon.com, and they posted the transcript of what he said, word for word. Thus, we all get to see how right? is used in this way.

Here's just a portion of the transcript, where he answers the question "why are we so fascinated with predictions?":

I have two answers to this, and maybe they’re complimentary in part, contradictory in part. I think, on the one hand, you can go to a site like FiveThirtyEight and it has that one number, right? So Obama today has a 79-point-whatever-it-is [chance of winning] — 79.6 or 79.7 — and that might save you a lot of effort; it’s like, here’s the gist, right? 

And so, getting into that data allows us to feel less alienated from the random course the world might be on, or the inability to influence it. People don’t necessarily trust the news media to mediate information for them anymore — and maybe they shouldn’t, right? So if you show the raw numbers and are actually willing — at least in my case — to set a betting line, basically … And it’s based on a formula you’re not just making up a number everyday. In the end, it does boil down to the numbers.

Right now, you can say Obama’s the favorite, but Romney is not out of it, right? I think everyone can agree with that. But what’s “not out of it”? Does that mean he has a 3 percent chance? A 5 percent chance? It’s that margin between the 5 percent and the 45 percent chance where I’m trying to make my trade.

Am I only one noticing this? It's sorta white people's version of "know what I'm sayin'? 

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Another Lawyer Show Sells

"Based on the book Motor City Shakedown by Jonathan Wakins, the legal drama centers on ambitious rookie defense lawyer Issabella Bright, who lands her first big case but is forced to team up with Darren Fletcher, a hardened and reckless lawyer who’s fallen from success and now runs his practice out of a booth in a bar. Caron is executive producing with Shepard, Sean Furst and Bryan Furst"

You know, one of those booths at a bar lawyers. 

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An Oral History of Cheers?

An oral history of Cheers!

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I Wonder If Conservatives Still Think Mitt's 47% Line Was a Win

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The Odd Case of "Modern Family"

It's premiere week!...sorta. I think there was a time on TV when all of the new shows would start during the exact same week. It made things kinda cool, cause you knew every night the new shows were starting up. That had to have helped the ratings. Now? It's confusing as shit.

Most of NBC's stuff started a few weeks ago. Some of ABC's stuff is staggered. I don't watch CBS so I have no idea what they're doing. 



But these days this week is about as good as it gets, and it's going to be very interesting to see how the ratings play out. After all of the months of making the pilots and scheduling and hyping, it just takes 30 minutes to kill you off.

The first red flag of the season came last week, actually, when "The Mob Doctor" predictably shit the bed. If you're deeply invested in how that whole thing is going to play out in season 1, you're probably in for a big disappointment. My guess is that sleeping with the fishes is going to be involved.



Last night, it was the CBS comedy "Partners", written by the guys who did "Will & Grace". They've been trying to sell that same show for the last 10 years, and CBS finally bit. And now it bit the dust. Well, not yet. But the ratings last night went 3.6 for "How I Met Your Mother", 2.4 for "Partners", 3.7 for "Two Broke Girls", and a 3.1 for "Mike and Molly".


That means people were actively turning the channel away from CBS when "Partners" came on, and then turning back to CBS the moment it ended. Not good.


And tonight? It's Fox's turn. We'll see how Mindy Kaling's show does along with "Ben and Kate". And we'll also see how the NBC's shows - "Go On" and "The New Normal" - which were given early releases, hold up against the premieres on the other networks.  Should be very interesting, if you're into this sorta thing.



What about "Suburgatory", some of you (my parents) are asking? Well, that's where things get complicated. For a lot of reasons I won't bore you with, it doesn't premiere until October 17th. The main issue is the Presidential debates. ABC is only able to air a couple weeks of new shows on Wednesdays until the debates hit, and then everything goes away for a bit. They decided to hold it until after the debates so it could have a bunch of new episodes in a row. Though I am weary of a late starting date, I am a HUGE fan of having multiple new shows in a row.



It was on at 8:30 last year, 9:30 this year, after "Modern Family". And if you watch the Emmy's, that show did quite well. I think it even won Best Drama, Best Variety Show, and Best Show with Al Bundy, it was that ridiculous.

What makes Modern Family's success that much more amazing is the way in which it gets made.  I don't know of another situation like it and I'd just like to point it out cause it's weird.


The show was created by Steve Levitan and Christopher Lloyd (not Doc from "Back to the Future", a different Christopher Loyd). They wrote together on "Wings" and "Frasier" and other stuff. They are the co-showrunners of "Modern Family".


But here's the thing: now the two of them hate each other's guts.

They refuse to talk to each other. And yet, they are running the most acclaimed comedy on TV together. How does it work? Levitan takes the odd episodes, Lloyd takes the evens.

So when it's an odd episode, Levitan is in charge of all aspects - the writing, editing, etc., and Lloyd has no veto power. Meanwhile, I guess the writers are in the middle of all this like the God Damn Parent Trap. That has to be weird. Some writers probably love one showrunner over the other, it's confusing whose ass you have to kiss!


Supposedly, the feud between the two guys is over creative differences about the show. They got so mad about their opposing visions that they cannot even work together. So my question is this:  does anyone notice a difference?


Anyone?


Can you tell a Levitan from a Lloyd episode of Modern Family?


Because to them, the difference between the evens and odds is so gigantic that they can't even be in the same room! That's how wildly different the show is to them...and no one in America can tell.

More ratings updates to come later this week...

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