A Dental Long Con

7 years ago, I went to a dentist in Redondo Beach. Redondo Beach may sound like a nice place, but it was actually in the hood. I don't know why I chose this dentist, but I'm pretty sure that it had something to do with my crappy insurance.

It was a miserable experience.

They were trying to sell me mouth guards, fillings, crowns, all while I was still slobbering in the chair. They wouldn't let me leave until I bought something, anything.

Because of that, I had not been to the dentist since (it was also because I am a huge pussy).

This had been really bothering me lately. I kept worrying that tooth decay was going to somehow lead to AIDS, or at least to looking like Charlie Sheen.

Finally, I gathered up the courage to go back. I found a dentist in the nicest neighborhood I could find, and thoroughly investigated yelp to make sure it had the latest, least pain causing equipment.

I went in there 2 weeks ago. It was a pleasant experience. Everyone was friendly, and I was informed that I have a perfectly delightful mouth. They were practically applauding my teeth.

The only drawback was the TV in front of me while I was getting my cleaning, which was playing "The Devil Wears Prada". That doesn't alleviate the stress of being in that chair. Anne Hathaway is a root canal to the eyes.

Regardless, I was quite relieved. No cavities, no issues. It turns out, there was nothing to be worried about. However, they informed me that I should come back in a week so they could do some further cleaning, just to make sure they got everything.

Well, no problem! After my 7 year absence, I vowed to keep up with regularly scheduled dentist visits. Besides, there was clearly nothing to worry about.

So I went back this morning. The girl I had the first time wasn't there, instead, they had replaced her with someone who could only be described as Heinrich Himmler with tits.

She starts scraping away, and to say that it wasn't as gentle as last time would be a tremendous understatement. And there were no standing ovations for my glorious gums.

Himmler says "are ya flossing?" I answer "yes". She keeps scraping, keeps scraping, and then, she stabs me twice in the back of the mouth. I mean, hard. I await an apology, but she goes:

"You aren't flossin' enough, cause you're still bleeding here"

Bleeding here? In the back of my mouth? You can't floss the tonsils! What the hell? It was insane, I'm pretty sure the natural response of the human body to getting cut with a scraper/knife is bleeding. I'm not a God Damn terminator.

At the end of this torture, they were encouraging me to come back in 4 months to see how things were progressing. That's when I realized, this is same shit as the hood dentist. It's just these dentists in the nicer neighborhoods are smarter. They don't nail you on your first visit cause they know that will scare you off.

They make you feel comfortable with a nice romantic comedy, some casual banter, and a clean bill of health. Then the next time they find a little something. And then in 4 months you have a cavity, and then 6 months later your wisdom teeth have miraculously regrown, and they tell you if you don't give them $5 grand you're gonna end up looking like Kirsten Dunst!

I'm on to you dentists, I'm on to you. And that's why I continue to be an rabid anti-dentite.