Bachelor Pad, Season 3. Episode 6.

Just got done with my first day on set. 13 hours of fun. I am wiped out, and only a Bachelor Pad spelling bee could get me to stay awake right now. Luckily, there is one!

With Michael gone, Rachel has to slum it with Nick.

For their challenge, they get on a school bus. Blakely says school is "not my strong suit". Yeah, but what is?

Yes, it's a spelling bee. And they're all freaking out. Tony says spelling is "the one thing I suck at". Really? What about parenting, getting girls, not seeming gay, having a deep voice, acting like a man..."

The couples have to spell the words together, alternating letters. The judges are some of the best kid spellers in California. Uh, why do you need judges in a spelling bee? There was no dictionary available?

One of the words is "engagement ring". That's not a word, that's two words. Regardless, Blakely gets the first word of it wrong. Hooters nation weeps.

Rachel thinks "obsessive" starts with O-B-E. Tony thinks "elimination" is spelled E-L-I-N...

For some reason, they don't show us all of the people misspelling words!!! What? That's the whole wonderfulness of this. We demand to know what they spelled wrong. 

Ed and Jaclyn sail through, but then get "aphrodisiac" wrong. Chris and Sarah are the only other couple left, and they get "philanderer" right. Then Ed and Jaclyn miss "boutonniere".

Biggest mistake of this: no one went for the "country of origin" joke. If Blakely had said that, it's comedy gold. For example, "Blakely, spell 'LOVE'". Blakely: "What's the country of origin, please?"

Ed and Jaclyn, and Lipless and Sarah go back and forth missing words. Then, much to everyone's dismay, Lipless correctly spells serendipity and they win the contest. Blakely fucking cries. She should be crying about our educational system.

Chris and Sarah fly off on their date. Now he's pretending like he really likes people. But he says that he's still not over Emily. WHAT? Dude, Emily hated you. America hates you! But Emily hated you too. He really talked himself into that one. She was not interested. At all.

Sarah says it's funny how Chris so openly talks about relationships and he hasn't been in one since sophomore year in high school. Heh. But Chris says "Well, I dated Emily..." What in the hell is this guy talking about? Did I watch the wrong show? She felt nothing for you, jerk! You weren't dating her, you were on a television program. God, I hate this guy in ways I never imagined hating someone.

Jaclyn, Rachel, and Blakely have a yet unseen alliance. And they've decided to gang up and get rid of Lindzi. They do some sort of kiss/pinkie swear on it.

Lipless: "This is the first time I've expressed my emotions to a woman since Emily". That wasn't real! You were never in it!

Ed and Jaclyn also get a date because they came in second place. Apparently, Jaclyn has forgiven Ed for saying he doesn't give a shit about her and that's she's a slut (I'm paraphrasing). 

I should mention, both dates involved the same Bachelor Plane. Which seems like a really crappy plane. They fly to a some area with a bunch of weeds next to a ocean. I guess it was impossible to find a beach with sand in California.

Ed drops a mini bomb on Jaclyn. He has a girlfriend, but not really, but he does. They broke up before he came on, only they didn't exactly. I'm sure his girlfriend is gonna watch his performance on this show and demand to marry him at once. If you can get a Jaclyn level woman, you are marriage material for sure.

You know how in Catholicism you're allowed to do whatever you want as long as you confess? Well, Ed feels the same way, only instead of confession he "takes full responsibility".

Everytime Tony talks about Blakely I think he's being sarcastic.

On Ed and Jaclyn's "date", things go from bad to worse. Jaclyn just keeps repeating, "I don't want to look like a whore". In fairness to Ed, she did have sex with him the night after she knew he had sex with someone else. Ed wriggles around, trying not to be mean about the whole thing. He clearly thinks nothing of her, but dangles enough of a carrot out there for her to stick around. She ignores everything he's saying, and goes to bed with him. But remember, she's not a whore.

By the way, I like whores. I've never found it to be a bad thing.

Ed and Jaclyn get to hand out a rose, and they give it to Blakely and Tony. What a strange, dumb, whorey alliance.

Voting from here on out is couples vs. couples. The target is on Kalon and Lindzi, and barring a hail mary, they are out of here. But we've seen stranger things.

Kalon makes a move by enticing Tony and Blakely to vote against Nick and Rachel because "they're not a real couple". Pretty smart move there, cause that's a solid argument. Also, in another thing we didn't know, Tony thinks he is good buds with Kalon. What?

Nick tries to save it with Tony and Blakely. Frankly, I don't know what the heck he's talking about. Basically, he tells Blakely that he has voted against her in the past. Nice! 

Kalon's diabolical plan might be working, but only because Nick is a crazy person. It's like a God Damn episode of "Three's Company". One suggestion leads to some coincidences which leads to a big comedy scene of Nick saying dumb things. In this scenario, Tony is Mr. Furley. Lipless is Larry. Blakely is that older neighbor chick who used to try to bang Jack all the time.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's Rachel and Nick vs. Kalon and Lindzi.

The couple going home is...KALON and LINDZI.

Wow. They've psyched us out once again. You had to know that the secret pussy riot alliance was not going against each other though. They kissed each other's pinkies, y'all!

Then they do this dumb thing where they have Kalon and Lindzi leave in separate limos, but of course Kalon gets out of his and joins her. It's sorta like Pretty Woman, only without the pretty and with Kalon being the woman.

Next week: a singing contest. Why? Why not!

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GET EXCITED

The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons.
Featuring The Beast.

Finally, I have something to live for.

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Trouble in Mormon Paradise

Who could've possibly seen this coming?

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Bachelor Pad, Season 3. Ep 5

I got some time tonight to finally watch The Pad! Since I'm watching it, might as well do this:

Lipless is in a world of hurt. His friends have betrayed him. And without a miracle, he's going home tonight. He yells at Kalon and Ed, demanding to know why they lied to him. Their answer: "we pretty much hate you". Sounds about right.

He dumps Blakely as his partner and goes with Sarah. Blakely is now with Tony. 

The competition this week is a race that is basically ripped straight from the movie "Meatballs". It just doesn't matter! Chris attempts a "burn" by saying that Blakely should win "cause she's worked at Hooters the last 35 years". It should be a good line, but coming from him it just sounds lame. Probably because he's lame.

They have to stack cups and saucers and walk back and forth. It's sorta like two girls, one cup, except for I'd rather swallow shit then watch Jaclyn do anything.

Sarah gets disqualified for illegally touching the cups. Cups are the least offensive thing she's been touching at the Pad. Blakely wins. But the real winner is Hooters, their training does work. And it's a double burn on Chris, because that used to be his partner.

Now the guys go. Blakely turns into Vince Lombardi and coaches Tony every step of the way and it's really annoying. But it works. Tony wins. I don't get it, just hearing her voice make my hands shake and gives me the dry heaves.

They each get to go on a date. But Blakely picks Tony to go on hers, so now a different guy gets the other date. Blakely decides. And she gives the date rose to Kalon.

Blakely says the word "overnight" makes her think of "jets and helicopters and Vegas...who knows, we could have jet packs to take us to a private island". Hey, she was a VIP waitress, don't ever forget that. 

Kalon and Lindzi go on their date, which Blakely is jealous of, and they drive a Bentley to a bridge. The bridge is shut down for them and they have dinner out there. Nothing more romantic then the smell of exhaust and commute. Only someone not in LA would think having a date on a freeway would be awesome, I spend every dinner hour in stop and go traffic and I've never once had a nice meal and a blow job.

By the way, not sure what bridge it is, but it's not the one Tony Scott jumped off of. And that reminds me, if I do anything crazy in the next few days, I assure you it's not because I have an inoperable brain tumor. So get your facts straight, ABC.

READER QUESTION: I've been bad about answering some comments, and I just remembered a question I recieved: Irwin, why do you think Rachel is hot? I don't get it. The bangs alone...

I've said it many times, the bangs are awful and a poor decision. I'll give you that. However, keep in mind her body is amazing. Easily the best at the house. Also keep in mind: everyone else at the house is horrible looking! She looks great in comparison!

Funny. Tony calls Blakely "the hottest girl in the house". He's totally into her. What the hell? Has he not been paying attention? He's clearly been thinking about his kid too much.

Also funny. Tony gets the date box, and there are keys in it. Tony throws them to Kalon and goes "hey, are these helicopter keys?" And Kalon examines them very carefully, and says "no".

The other people in the house are guessing what their date could be. And someone goes, "it's probably in the Caribbean". Um, that's a 6 hour flight away, don't think that's happening.

It should be noted how high Tony's voice is. Can't wait to see how high it'll get once Blakely gets those chompers around his nuts.

There's a "gag", and I use that term loosely, where Tony and Blakely's date involves a shitty car, and then a trip out to a trailer park. Blakely is sad...mostly because she lives in a trailer park.

Blakely pretends like she doesn't care because it's all about "who you're with". Yeah, except she hasn't even talked to Tony until she turned into Phil Jackson at the cup race.

Blakely starts blathering about how guys have screwed her over, etc. Tony says, "I think you've been with the wrong guys. IRWIN'S ADVICE: If you ever find yourself needing to say to a girl, "you've been with the wrong guys", RUN. No, she hasn't been with the wrong guys. She is the wrong girl. It's her fault. This is never not true.

Tony goes to the car and turns on the radio and guess what song magically plays? "Love Don't Come Easy" by Wes!!! Oh my God, please. Stop.

Very funny sequence as they show Blakely and Tony making out, Chris and Sarah making out, Michael and Rachel making out, and Ed passed out drunk and Jaclyn sadly rubbing his head.

Tony is about to announce who he is giving his rose to, and just before he announces it, Chris interrupts. This is his go to move. He takes Tony outside and twists his arm about giving it to Sarah.

Instead, Tony listens to his dick, instead of that dick, and gives the rose to Jaclyn. Blakely rightly calls him "a domesticated man".

Harrison comes in to talk to everyone. For some reason, Ed totally disses his partner Jaclyn. She thought they were a real couple, Ed says it's not so.

Harrison says it's time to shake things up. Tonight everyone will vote for one woman to leave. The woman who receives the most votes then gets to pick one guy to eliminate as well. Things have been shaken!

Lipless is stoked. It at least gives him a better shot than he had before. For some reason, they're all convinced that if Sarah gets voted out, she'll take out Michael. And since he's Mr. Untouchable, no one wants to do that. Not sure how he convinced everyone to think this way, but he did it.

So now Michael is trying to get everyone to vote out Erica, thinking she'll take out Chris. But if she finds out about this plan, then he will be gone. Stupidly, he immediately tells Kalon his plan.

Michael starts getting cocky about how well his plan is going. And Chris is confused as to how this is all happening. But after talking to Kalon, he gets a brilliant idea:

He takes Erica into the voting room with him and shows her that he is not voting for her.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's down to Lindzi vs. Erica. And the woman with the most votes is...

ERICA.

Michael is fucked. Amazing how this game can turn around, isn't it? Michael breezed through this. He was in the power position!

The boom is lowered: Erica chooses Michael.

5 minutes ago, Erica declared Michael to be her close friend. Now she is going off on him, and telling him that it makes sense that Holly dumped him and married Blake. Ouch.

Next week: the spelling bee episode! I promise this will be awesome.

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No Bachelor Pad Recap This Week

Sorry all, I couldn't watch The Pad tonight. I know, I know, I've really let you down. No one feels worse than I do, with the possible exception of the whole Bachelor Pad gang.

I'm on pre-production for the script I wrote for the show and things suddenly got crazy busy. Speaking of that, I'll be in production next week, so there might not be a recap then either.

It's really not cool to start recapping a show and not finish it, but you people don't pay me! So it's your fault, really. My allegiance is to cold hard cash, you've always known that.

Anyway, hopefully I will post about all of the shit I'm doing and learning about right now. So tonight's loss might be the future's gain, or something like that. And I'll probably be able to finish out this show when more of the riff raff have been eliminated.

Okay, goodnight.

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Skip the First Paragraph

Whenever I read a magazine interview with a celebrity, I always, always, skip the first paragraph. That is because every magazine interview with a celebrity begins the same way:

"In a quiet restaurant in Los Angeles, Christian Bale takes a sip of carrot juice..."

Every freaking one. The celebrity is at the location, usually eating or drinking, and for some reason this is supposed to be very interesting.

"When I show up at Amelia's Espresso Panini in Santa Monica at 9:15 a.m. — 15 minutes before our prearranged time — Michael Keaton is already waiting, his New York Times mostly read, two-thirds of his first latte gone."

Just start with the interesting information, magazine writers. I don't care about the carrot juice or the latte. Give us a hook! A drink is not a hook!

People love to talk about joke stealing, how about first paragraph stealing? They're all doing it, and it needs to end. Because it's not good.

It feels like some weird kind of bragging. I get to hang out with celebrities! I personally saw what they were ingesting! Maybe it's to prove they didn't just email a publicist, I don't know, and I don't care, I'm just over it.


That is all.

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Bachelor Pad, Season 3. Ep 4

I'm so sad the Olympics are over, but you're not. You're ecstatic. Why? Because now I'm forced to focus completely on The Pad!

Seems like every season, these idiots fail to get rid of the "power couples". And here we are again. Reid was kicked off last week, and Ed was saved. Much to the delight of Jaclyn, who says "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm on cloud 9". I thought she was on cloud disgusting.

Chris Harrison comes in after the vote and has everyone fill out surveys. The reason: they're gonna do the newlywed game tomorrow, and they must halt the cheating! If you're new, last year they did this and the couples cheated by deciding on certain numbers and names to say every time so they'd always be on the same page. You know you're sad when you've been outsmarted by the people on this show.

Kalon is once again doing my job for me, he says, "every question is pretty much who is the ugliest, who is the smartest, who is the fattest. So every answer is me or Erica". Yes!.

The women go first. The quiz isn't that great. These are the best questions they could come up with? The best we get is that Nick said that the woman in the house who had accomplished the least was Blakely. Hey, she served cocktails to VIPs! That's big time stuff.

Jaclyn wins.

Then the guys go, and Michael and Ed seem to know a crazy amount of Bachelor history. Fun Fact: Blakely says that she has had sex with 10 men. But then she interviews to us, "I totally lied". No shit! She put the cock in cocktail.

Ed wins. I have to say, this segment was horribly produced and edited. Just brutal. I can think of a million great questions, and they asked none of them.

I'm loving Kalon on here, but he will not be able to be on this show ever again. When they see what he's doing and saying, his Pad career is over.

For the date, Jaclyn chooses Ed. Sarah can't believe it, because she's an idiot. It's very strange, is she the only one who doesn't know they've been hooking up? Her argument seems to be "I had sex with him first".

They go to Dodger stadium, and get way too excited about it. What are you gonna do there? Well, I'll tell you. They sing the national anthem. Take batting practice. Run the bases. Then they share a foot long together. That's the 17th wiener Jaclyn's had in her mouth since the show started. 

Since Ed also won the challenge and got picked for Jaclyn's, he doesn't get a date. They now get to give a rose to a guy, who will be saved, and get to pick someone to go on a date with.

Have I mentioned that Lipless is the biggest tool in the world? Who would date him after this performance?

And how is Jamie so pathetic and sad? I don't understand how an attractive person gets like that. She's cute with a nice body, and yet she's acting like she looks like Jaclyn.

Chris sums it up perfectly: "Being in bed with Jamie has it's benefits and it's disadvantages, I mean, she's a very pretty girl, but at the same time, she's a yapper". Okay, that's a good one. "A yapper", awesome.

When Jamie watches this episode, she's going to commit suicide. Well, if she had any respect for herself, she would.

Ed and Jaclyn announce that they are giving the rose to Chris. Apparently, Ed "loves" Chris. He also loves Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and ugly girls.

In a spectacular move, for his date Chris chooses Sarah. Ha! Blakely and Jamie are enraged. Is he trying to go home? At least he's doing interesting things.

Somehow Lipless gets Jamie to say to him "I feel so bad for you". She thinks Chris is
protecting her from Blakely. Holy crap, this is really getting bad. Can Jamie's loved ones please check her house right now? Check the bathtub.

Chris and Sarah's date is making an action movie. Immediately, Sarah falls in love with Lipless too! I will never understand women. They are dumb. This is irrefutable, smoking gun evidence.

Back at the house, Ed gets to give out a rose to a girl. He decides to give it to Rachel, because that's the alliance.

It's impossible for me to possibly document all of the stupid, sad things coming out of Jamie's mouth. It's astounding. There's no way she's not going to the garage, getting in her car, turning it on, and waiting for the sweet relief of death. You can't watch yourself be like this and live a normal life. Honestly, if I was a producer on this show, I wouldn't have been able to do this to someone. It is officially cruel.

While she is saying how much she loves Chris and how loyal he is, we watch as Chris and Sarah get a hotel room and fuck each other's brains out. Keep in mind, about 2 nights ago, Sarah fucked Ed. Sloppy seconds is a foreign expression to the Pad residents.

Tony is flying way under the radar right now.

The voting begins. David has a vote against him already, so he starts working the girls. Smart. Because they are very easily worked.

He comes up with a scheme where he tries to get them to vote for Nick, while he promises to always vote for them. I don't think this is gonna work. Mostly because Jamie is the biggest piece of shit in the world.

I like Michael, but I kind of hate him in his role as the Michael Corleone of the house. Actually, he's like the Billy Beane, with his moneyball esque strategies. This guy is all about on base percentages and viability of Blakely.

However, he doesn't realize how cuckoo Kalon is. That could be the fly in the ointment. Kalon and Lipless are giggling about how they're gonna fuck everyone over. Yey, we're assholes!

Lipless wants everyone to vote off Blakely because she's finally realized that he's a jerk. Plus, he knows he can control Jamie because she is pathetic. But the Michael alliance doesn't want that, because Blakely will do whatever they say. 

Awesome sequence: Lipless thinks Kalon is his best bud, and he trusts him the most. After Kalon says a thousand times that he's gonna vote against Blakely, he votes for Jamie. Never get into an alliance with the American Psycho.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's down to: Jamie vs. Blakely, and David vs. Nick. Going home are:

David and Jamie.

Boom.

Now Lipless has to know that Kalon is a liar. So is Ed. He realizes he's on his own. Now he's screwed, it's only a matter of time. Who would've thought making all of the girls hate you would backfire?

Michael: "Chris has been going around starting fires in girl's pants". That has to mean he's giving them the clap, right?

David cries in the limo. Man, he really is a fan. And gay. "Leaving the house is probably the saddest thing I ever do". Wait 'till he finds out that Jamie is dead.

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My Morning Internet Routine

I've become a very annoying person.  I know it, I'm not happy about it, but I can't help it.

The reason is that there's a certain expectation when people ask you the following questions:

"Have you seen...?"
"Did you hear about..."
"Have you read..."

And the expectation is, "No, I haven't, please tell me about it". But the problem is, usually, I have seen, I have heard, and I did read.

I'm not bragging about this. It's actually rather sad. I should be out living! But that wasn't in the cards for me. I was meant to live vicariously through others. It's all I have.

And the fact is, I love knowing! I love knowing what is going on. Plus, I've worked on a couple of TV shows where it was imperative that I know. They drilled this into me, and now I'm like a crackhead. A crackhead of crap.

I have a pretty standard routine of the stuff I check every day in a specific order. I thought some (my mom) may have interest in it. All of this may seem pretty basic to many of you - if you're reading this blog you are clearly on the outer reaches of the internet.

I'm sure you all have the sites you love, these are mine. Here's how my usual day goes:

I wake up, and grab my phone and check my email.
Then Twitter, and I go backwards and see all of the tweets I missed while I was sleeping. If I'm going to have to be around people, I then take a shower.

As soon as I get to my computer, it goes:

Deadline Hollywood
Buzzfeed
TV Tattle
Huffington Post
Talkingpointsmemo
Gawker
Politico
Ezra Klein
Sports Illustrated
Grantland
TMZ
The Superficial
WWTD
probasketballtalk
profootballtalk
The Daily Beast
Salon
Slate
crazydaysandnights
Drudge Report
Earl Pomerantz
Ken Levine
Scriptshadow
Thebitterscriptreader
Doug Richardson's blog
Deadspin
Espn
Vulture
Mediatakeout

And then, I'm ready to start the day. But if I really want to procrastinate, then there are a bunch of other places to go. And that's when I can stumble into the nether regions where you can see people getting murdered by hammers.  You don't want to go there. Trust me.

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Kinda Sad

But also kinda awesome.

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I Know More About Gymnastics Than Everyone

I thought Fox News was the only thing that could get me as fired up as I am right now. But no, Tim Daggett and Elfi Schlegel have done it. How can I be smarter than them about gymnastics? This all they do! I come to it every four years! Well, I don't know how it's possible, but I am.

First, on Sunday Mckayla Maroney went for gold in the vault. Tim and Elfi repeatedly, repeatedly!, told us it was a sure thing. A sure thing! And then when she didn't get it, they were shocked, and repeatedly said "but it was a sure thing!"

Nothing is a sure thing in gymnastics! All you have to do is watch this craziness for 2 seconds and you know that. At any moment, these 12 years can and will fall. It happens to the best of them. You know why? Cause this shit is hard. Really, really hard. And also, they're 12 and this is on TV and it's scary.

I couldn't believe how much they were saying that she was a lock. I wouldn't have been surprised if she didn't medal at all. She's trying to land a flip blind! You can't do that a hundred percent of the time.

Anyway, here's the second thing that really pushed me over the edge:

Tonight, on the high bar, one of the gymnasts did a really hard routine with a release move that no one else was doing. Her routine wasn't perfect, and Elfi said "she should get bonus points for doing such a hard routine".

NO!!!!!!!

What? Bonus points?! Does she not understand how the scoring works? That's the entire basis of the whole scoring system!

Everyone starts with a different start value, DEPENDING ON HOW HARD YOUR ROUTINE IS.

The bonus points are built into the system! That's the whole point of it!

It would be like Kevin Durant shooting a 3 pointer, and the announcer saying, "he shot that from really far away, he should be awarded a bonus point and get 3 points for that". Or in baseball if a guy hits a homerun, "he should be allowed to run around all of the bases for that, that went really far".

Seriously, it's exactly as dumb as that. It really is.

In summation, I am formally putting my hat into the ring to be the next Commissioner of Gymnastics. I'd also like to be considered for Commissioner of Swimming, Team Handball, and Dressage.

And everyone is stupid. Goodnight.

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Why the Medal Count is Meaningless

Tonight, a man named Felix Sanchez, representing the Dominican Republic, won gold in the 400 meter hurdles. It was the Dominican Republic's first gold medal in the London games.

But here's the thing about Felix Sanchez:

He was born in New York. He went to high school in San Diego. And he went to college at USC.

He's about as Dominican as I am.

I don't think there are too many athletes from other small, weird countries who were really born and raised in China.

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Bachelor Pad. Season 3, Ep 3

I'll be honest, I'm barely doing these recaps at this point. Hopefully I will feel better about this show after the closing ceremonies.

Reid is scared his plot to eliminate Ed is going to get back to him. Sarah still doesn't understand how she voted for Ed. You see, you took his picture, and dropped it in the box. That's how it happened. Pretty simple, really. Watching this, I feel bad for the Obama and Romney campaigns - these are your voters, and even they don't know who they vote for and why.

The competition today is an obstacle course. It is a couple's event. It's called Hot Sludge Fundae. They have to climb through ice cream and hot fudge and whip cream. Erica should kill this event!

But there's a catch: they don't get to choose their partner. It's assigned randomly. Jamie is bummed cause she got stuck with Ed the drunk.

Kalon is partnered with Erica, and he steals my joke. He says he feels confident because Erica can probably just "eat her way through it, Pac-Man style". I'm telling you, guys, Kalon is growing on me! Let's be real here, pure evil plays much better on the Pad.

The girls go first, then hand it off to the guys for the closing leg. Predictably, Jamie is first, leaving Ed to try and finish it off. If they made this ice cream Irish, Ed would win for sure.

In the end, it comes down to David and Michael, and it's too close to call. They have to review the tape. I think they should just declare Allyson Felix the winner (Olympic trials joke!).

Somehow, Ed takes the lead Jamie gave him and finishes in LAST PLACE. Wow. He might as well have been Ryan Lochte out there.

Ed says "this is the worst thing that ever happened to me". Seriously? Dude, there is way worse suffering in the world, which you should know since you had sex with Jillian.

They review the footage in the truck and declare David and Rachel the winner. Everyone is now concerned about David being a "threat". Jaclyn says he studied the game "for 10 years. Before it even existed!" Oh, Jaclyn. Please shut up. And stop looking like that.

Blakely immediately tries to work David, and claims that she hooked him up last week. Sorry Crazy, but you didn't give him the rose so you really didn't do shit. But he goes for it and picks her for the date. He also chooses Erica (!), even though she hates him. Strategery. And finally, he picks Jamie, which is stupid because she and Blakely are mortal enemies. Then again, he has studied this for 10 years, so maybe he's just doing it for drama.

This got me thinking...who would I choose for a date? Obviously, Donna is a number one pick, for "physical reasons". I think I would choose Blakely, just because you know she would give me a hand job for a rose. Every other girl is tied for last after that. Wait. Sorry. Rachel is in, definitely.

Their date is at the prom. Jamie is so happy because she didn't get to go to her prom. She knows it's not a real prom, right? And Blakely is there.

Back at the house, Reid attempts to "play" Ed. And he does. Which is about as impressive as USA basketball beating Nigeria.

For some reason, Sarah is shocked to see Ed hooking up with Jaclyn. Um, they've been hooking up the whole time, you can't miss Ed's victory screams when he bangs her. Or maybe that's just his reaction when he sees her naked.

On the date, all the girls want the rose. But Jamie is willing to go the extra mile. She cries. And stupid ass David gives her the rose. But he studied this!

Blakely keeps saying David "owes his loyalty to me". NO HE DOESN'T! She is bat shit crazy. Maybe the hand job isn't worth it. But that's why it's a hand job, you can't worry about the arm attached to it.

For Rachel's date, she picks Michael, Tony, and my boy Nick. They go to a wax museum. Tony tells us he's from Portland, so he can't believe he's around all of these celebrites...made of wax. And also, he has a kid. Never forget that, Tony has a kid.

They have to get dressed up as wax figures and fool Bachelor fans. The best part is when the fans don't know who Tony is and call him pathetic. But then they remember that he has a kid.

Back at the house, in a sad and completely awful display, Jamie embarrasses herself while talking about how much she likes Chris. It's really, really bad. Then she finds Chris in bed, and he goes "not tonight". Ha. Sad.

Jamie yells at Chris about how much she's pursuing him. I don't think she understands what is happening here. He doesn't like you! I know it's hard to believe, but a lot of people don't.

Jamie: "I could've made it happen, that's what I've done my whole life..." WHAT?! Then she cries, "I really want a family". How does a girl as attractive as Jamie get this pathetic? Strange. She's really terrible.

For the second week in a row, in an act of pure insanity, Sarah TELLS Ed that the alliance, including her, is going to vote him out. Out of nowhere, her and Jamie have emerged as captains of the all stupid team. This is nuts. Bitch, he slept with Jaclyn the night after sleeping with you!

No genius himself, Ed immediately confronts Reid about this. All of these people should've gotten into their pajamas, drank some wine, and studied all of this with David for the last 10 years.

Blakely says she's a "Scorpio, so I will sting the fuck out of you...in retrospect".

The dueling alliance's are telling their people that they are completely safe. One side is telling Blakely she is fine. The other side, my precious Donna. Someone is wrong. It's weird how confident both sides are, but it appears that Kalon is the swing vote.

Donna laments leaving without fucking someone first. So she grabs the first guy she sees - Nick - and makes out with him. You see?! This is Bachelor Pad behavior. This is what you're supposed to do. Bravo, Donna. Bravo.

Kalon enjoys all of this, because he "holds people's fate in his hands". Okay, he might be a serial killer. "I can enjoy the rest of the evening and watch people's lives crumble before my eyes". Okay, he's definitely a serial killer.

Jaclyn has a bruise on her leg that is bigger than my head. That's how big the bruise is, and also how big her leg is.

They're trying to make Ed sympathetic, and Reid a bad guy. But let's face the facts: Ed sucks. He cheated on Jillian a thousand times, every week he starts with a vote against him - making him the obvious target to get voted out. You can't root for the idiots in this show. It's all about the smart sluts. But at least Ed has the slut part locked down.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's Ed vs. Reid, and Donna vs. Blakely. 

Going home are...

DONNA and REID.

Shit. This show just got a little less interesting. I hope that the lesser alliance realizes that Kalon and Lindzi are assholes, and can do something about it...in retrospect.

Reid: "Bachelor Pad is a sick and deceptive place". That's coming from the most deceptive guy. 

Donna: "I would never thought a guy would vote me off. When I'm not around in my bikini they're gonna be pissed". I concur.

Next week: everybody hates Chris.

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Damn You, Gymnastics

The true hardcore Irwin fans out there know that I love the Olympics more than just about anything. You have to be hardcore to remember my flurry of Olympic posts 4 years ago. Sadly, this is the first Olympics where I've had the audacity to be employed while they are being played. It sucks. Well, except for the paychecks, those are nice.

It's insane how invested I get in these sports for 2 weeks every four years, and I'll inevitably lose my mind when swimming doesn't capitalize on the spotlight the Olympics shines on it.

(quick swimming tangent: I've been surprised by the hating on Lochte and Phelps. If anything, what has happened this year, especially with Lochte, only proves how incredible Michael Phelps' performance was 4 years ago) 

And then there's gymnastics. Me getting outraged about gymnastics and it's scoring system is truly a tradition like no other. I always forget how mad it makes me until I see it again, and now it's 2008 all over again.

The one thing this sport was known for was the perfect 10. It's something everyone can understand. Heck, it even created a saying, the perfect 10. And they threw that away. It's like football deciding to get rid of touchdowns, or baseball getting rid of home runs, or hockey getting rid of headlocks.

Is anyone paying attention to this sport? Do they not want it to be good? Any sport with judges is flawed, I suppose. But it doesn't seem that hard to make it better for the fans, or guys like me. 

I defy you to tell me what the Russian girl did wrong on that final floor routine tonight. You can't do it, and neither can the judges. It's completely stupid. She couldn't have done it better.

You know your sport sucks when the best part is watching the girls watch the scoreboard. 

I've railed against the scoring at length, so let's move on to the announcers. If I have to hear "Catastrophe!" one more time, I swear to God, Tim Daggett.

But again, that's neither here nor there. I really just wanted to mention something that is bothering me that I hadn't noticed before:

The noise.

These asshole tennis players need absolute silence, and yet these 12 year olds are flipping around on a 4 inch beam and there's music, clapping, cheering directed at other routines, beeps, buzzers, Bela Karolyi, Good Lord!

Hitting a golf ball doesn't need silence. You can't break your neck hitting a golf ball. So keep it down. I need to hear if a "Catastrophe!" has just happened, because honestly, I can't even tell when it does.

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