I Know More About Gymnastics Than Everyone

I thought Fox News was the only thing that could get me as fired up as I am right now. But no, Tim Daggett and Elfi Schlegel have done it. How can I be smarter than them about gymnastics? This all they do! I come to it every four years! Well, I don't know how it's possible, but I am.

First, on Sunday Mckayla Maroney went for gold in the vault. Tim and Elfi repeatedly, repeatedly!, told us it was a sure thing. A sure thing! And then when she didn't get it, they were shocked, and repeatedly said "but it was a sure thing!"

Nothing is a sure thing in gymnastics! All you have to do is watch this craziness for 2 seconds and you know that. At any moment, these 12 years can and will fall. It happens to the best of them. You know why? Cause this shit is hard. Really, really hard. And also, they're 12 and this is on TV and it's scary.

I couldn't believe how much they were saying that she was a lock. I wouldn't have been surprised if she didn't medal at all. She's trying to land a flip blind! You can't do that a hundred percent of the time.

Anyway, here's the second thing that really pushed me over the edge:

Tonight, on the high bar, one of the gymnasts did a really hard routine with a release move that no one else was doing. Her routine wasn't perfect, and Elfi said "she should get bonus points for doing such a hard routine".

NO!!!!!!!

What? Bonus points?! Does she not understand how the scoring works? That's the entire basis of the whole scoring system!

Everyone starts with a different start value, DEPENDING ON HOW HARD YOUR ROUTINE IS.

The bonus points are built into the system! That's the whole point of it!

It would be like Kevin Durant shooting a 3 pointer, and the announcer saying, "he shot that from really far away, he should be awarded a bonus point and get 3 points for that". Or in baseball if a guy hits a homerun, "he should be allowed to run around all of the bases for that, that went really far".

Seriously, it's exactly as dumb as that. It really is.

In summation, I am formally putting my hat into the ring to be the next Commissioner of Gymnastics. I'd also like to be considered for Commissioner of Swimming, Team Handball, and Dressage.

And everyone is stupid. Goodnight.