Angry Comment of the Week

Believe it or not, my anti-bangs posts are still coming under fire with heavy criticism.

These bang lovers are making extremely strong points, and it's tough for me to formulate any comeback. So without further ado, here is the angry comment of the week:

Anonymous writes:

Zooey fucking Deschanel. You want to tell me she's not hot? I'm a guy and my girl doesn't have bangs, but I want her to get some. You can't judge so harshly on people. Some girls can handle them. How about you show a picture of your body flab and small penis. See if the girls like it

On the one hand he's telling me that I "can't judge so harshly on people", and on the next he's hating on my small wiener. Not cool, bro.

This guy really loves bangs though, huh? I feel bad for his girlfriend, who is being forced into an awful hairstyle she has no interest in.

The best part about this comment is that about a half hour later, he posted another comment in the same post, also under anonymous, that said "i agree with the above dude" and linked to a picture of Taylor Swift.

It's also funny that his glowing example of great bangs is Zooey Deschanel, my mortal enemy. I guess he's not a regular reader and doesn't know that I find her disgusting. Oh well, she probably doesn't like my body flab, so touche.

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I Pulled a Calf Muscle a Week Ago

I was playing basketball after last week's taping, and I caught the ball on the wing. I made a move and felt someone shoot me in the back of the leg with a gun. I pulled up and looked behind me, trying to figure out who did it. But no one was there. That's when I realized that I was in real trouble.

I limped to my car and went home and put some ice on it. I've been hobbling around ever since.

After no visible sign of anything wrong on my leg, I woke up this morning to find my foot had blown up.


Getting old is the worst.

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Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 6

If there's one episode of this season you'd want to watch, this would appear to be it. It's Bentley showdown time. I'm actually excited, because I like the possibility of the guys turning on her when they find out he's in Hong Kong. My preferred outcome tonight is JP leaves because of it. Probably not gonna happen, but a boy can dream.

Anyway, here we go...

If I have to hear "dot dot dot" one more time, I'm gonna slap the dick out of Ames' mouth.

I don't know what's more pathetic, Ashley liking Bentley while he trashes her behind her back; or the fact that she thinks she's this in love with him after one week on a TV show.

Chris comes in and tells Ashley that Bentley is in Hong Kong. Ashley freaks out. And Chris says "dot dot dot", fuck me. Then he encourages her to "push him for details". Ashley has to be told how to talk to a guy by a TV host.

She goes to his hotel room and knocks on the door, he goes "who is it?" Ha.

Bentley continues his lying, and says "I told you if it doesn't work out you could come to Salt Lake". What a sweetheart. Yeah, if it doesn't work out with the 10 other guys you're free to come to the worst state in America.

Ashley pours her heart out to him, and he responds "I think you know where I'm at". And she so clearly doesn't. She gets a funny confused look on her face. He realizes he has to spell it out for this dummy, and tries to in the nicest way possible: "it doesn't look good for me and you".

She goes "so this is our period?" Stop it with that! Finally, she tells him to be a man and just tell her that he's not interested. Why would he do that when he takes such pleasure in mocking you?

Ashley asks him why he traveled all the way out there, he stumbles out a weak "I wanted to see you", but she says "you just wanted a vacay?" Duh.

Well, this sucked. No fireworks. At all. No big admission, no shit talking, just Bentley being a complete pussy.

And by the way, he reminded me of me. His whole speech is the exact way I used to break up with girls. It's the nicest way of saying I want nothing to do with you. But it's a real let down here, I mean, why, if you're the producers, would you not show her all the stuff Bentley had said. Then you'd have a real moment, with yelling and drama. They really, really dropped the ball on this whole thing, I cannot stress that enough.

Then, to make it even worse, they have Ashley interview to us that Bentley's "such a player...he disrespected me...fuck you, Bentley, I'm done with you!" I guarantee you that was filmed after she found out the real truth much later. Nothing Bentley said would cause her to say any of that, so fake, very upsetting. Fuck you, Bachelorette, I'm done with you!

Oh, no I'm not. Dammit. There's more show...

The first one on one date is with Lucas, the 50 year old street fighter. Have you noticed how bow legged Ashley is? Here's a picture of her:


They walk through a market, then go on a boat. Ashley asks if she's the type of girl he'd date. He says no, he's just here for the boat trip. Careful buddy, I don't think she's picking up on sarcasm at this point. Cause other dudes are literally saying she's not the type of girl they'd date.

Apparently, God has a plan for Lucas, and it involves getting divorced and all his family members dying and not getting a rose next week.

Since the good looking guy dumped her, Ashley tells Lucas that she's now looking for someone who is honest. Smart plan, lower those expectations.

Lucas asks for permission to kiss her. That's heat, people!

Group date. They are dragon boat racing. No idea what that is, but Ashley puts them in teams. And guess who partners up: Constantine and Ben, the identical twins. Where's Brad and Chad when you need them?

There's a whole lame thing where they have to go recruit people to help them row. It's best if we don't talk about it.

Ames takes Ashley into an elevator and delivers the most awkward kiss...in Bachelor history! Well, that oughta put those straight rumors to rest.

I'm so uncomfortable by their kissing I can barely stand it. He's clearly not used to kissing a beard, or kissing someone who doesn't have one.

Holy crap! That's followed up by another bad kiss, this time delivered by Ben. Jesus, he weirdly leaned in, hesitated, then leaned some more. You'd think by the age of 30 people would figure out how kissing works, but not on this show.

Here's my lock of the week: when Ben gets eliminated, he will cry like a baby. He thinks he's the one right now, and he so isn't. She's dumping him as soon as she realizes he's not Constantine, which might be never.

It looks like they stole some of those quotes from the guys that we though were about Bentley showing up, and were actually about how much everyone hates Ryan.

Ashley gives Ryan the rose on the group date. I'm sorry, but Ames' gayness has overshadowed him the last few episodes, but Ryan is highly questionable. Just the way he hopped off the couch and said "Shush!" when she brought the rose. He makes Ryan Seacrest look like John Wayne.

Final one on one date is with JP. Another solo date for him? What's the point? It should be with someone who is on the fence. Why aren't I producing this show? At minimum I should be a consultant. Someone get Team Handleman on the phone.

There's no way in hell that JP is 4 years older than Lucas, it's not possible. He hints at the prospect of getting down on one knee, and Ashley, poor, low self esteem no confidence at all Ashley, says "is it because you feel something or you're putting up a front?" Who let ya down, Ashley? Oh yeah, Bentley, and William, and America.

Ashley finally wakes up and realizes that JP is the best guy there, or at least the best guy she can get. Well it's about time. So what does she do? She attempts to sabotage it by immediately telling him that she saw Bentley. Self destructive one, she is.

She puts a whole different spin on her and Bentley's meeting to JP, it's none of that "fuck you, Bentley" talk. It's more about closure. Exactly. She doesn't hate Bentley...yet.

JP appreciates her honesty. These two are made for each other, but only because they both don't think very highly of themselves. I mean, JP actually believes this is the best he can do.

Cocktail party. Ashley says "I feel good about telling everyone about Bentley since JP took it so well..." I feel like that statement is going to completely backfire.

And right on cue, she gives a big speech about Bentley, and really lays it on thick about how much she loved him, and surprisingly, the guys don't take too kindly to that. Jeez guys, what's the matter, you don't like hearing about how the girl you love totally loves someone else and isn't even thinking about you? Get over it, jerks.

The guys turn on her, and it's glorious. Lucas asks "why didn't you tell us sooner?" And Constantine "you said you left your past relationships behind!"

Blake does some quick math and basically says "well, obviously he dumped you, so..." Nice.

She did not expect that. Finally something enjoyable this episode.

Ashley gets upset and walks away. The guys start talking amongst themselves about how Bentley definitely dropped her ass, and now she's coming to them because she's been completely rejected.

Constantine and Lucas are the most pissed. Constantine keeps saying "she's wasting our time!" Blake: "she's saying Bentley was my first choice, but now he's gone so i'll pick from you guys". Yep.

Not a good dress for Ashley. The word is boxy.

Blake makes her cry. Ah, girls. Their ultimate weapon in all fights. She's the asshole, then she sheds a tear, and suddenly you're the asshole. Tough to combat that.

Mickey gets her alone and says "you lied to us". This sorta feels like it's more about some of these guys (Blake and Mickey in particular) realizing that there's no way she likes them. The guys who are feeling the love - JP, Ryan - couldn't care less about this Bentley reveal. The only different one is Lucas, who isn't happy for the right reasons.

Mickey tells her he doesn't want to be there and just walks the hell out! That had nothing to do with Bentley, that was a saving face move. The last person you want dumping you on national TV is Ashley.

She cries some more.

Constantine says something kinda funny, basically that "it's a tough pill to swallow" when you're a Bachelor and people walk out on you. Yeah, that's not supposed to happen.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

BEN - and he also won at Wimbledon today

CONSTANTINE - I'd say she has a type, and it involves long flowing locks

AMES - her instincts are still spot on

Well, looks like Blake was too hard on her. He should've pulled a Mickey and taken the first paddle boat out of there.

Next week: it's all downhill from here, but at least Ames is still around for laughs.

My prediction: Ryan gets eliminated and then shows up for the finale to win her back and is rejected. JP and Ben in the final 2, with JP the "winner".

Goodnight!

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Watch Louie and Wilfred Tonight on FX

Everyone keeps telling me how great this new show called "Wilfred" is on FX. I'm trying my best to believe them, but it's tough. I mean, I'm not a fan of Elijah Wood. And I'm really not a fan of grown men dressed up as animals.

There's a been a weird phenomenon lately, where it seems like a bunch of writers all had a similar idea at the same time. There's this show - which features a guy who sees a regular dog as a man dressed in a dog suit who he talks to. There's a movie called "Ted" written and directed by Seth McFarlane about a guy who has a relationship with a teddy bear, who talks to him. And then, of course, there was "The Beaver" with Mel Gibson, which was sorta the same thing.

Weird. I guess guys are really sick of having to talk to their girlfriends.

Anyway, all of those things sound absolutely awful to me. But everyone in "the business" keeps telling me this Wilfred thing is going to blow my mind. We'll see. I'm also interested because I always try to sell things to FX and they always tell me I'm an idiot. Maybe I should dust off that script for my talking Ken doll that I have lying around.

Also, the second season of "Louie" with Louis C.K. starts up. I enjoyed this show last year, and will watch again. Though it's a lot like "Curb", very hit and miss. But the hits are awesome.

So there you go.

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The Challenge: Rivals Is On Tonight!

MTV. 10pm. Who's coming with me?

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Lesbian Comment of the Week

Last week, I wrote about my enjoyment of "The Real L Word" on Showtime. Well, I got a semi appalled comment from a lesbian. Let's take a look:

Anonymous said...

I'll assume you're not at all accustomed to African American gays and lesbians when I say this, but the black girl is not very, very butch, at all. In fact, she is what you would call a soft butch or a baby d*ke, for lack of a more endearing term. Very, very butches would wholly disagree with you, and it would be safer to assume that if you could mistake her for a man, you are only looking at the bits and pieces of her that you want to look at, while conveniently not looking at her as an entire person. For obvious starters, she has a pretty nice size chest, and her face is soft, her hair line is not at all cut like a man's. In any case, I just had to comment on that one particular thing. I'll add... please try to look more closely at a dark skinned person's features before assuming that your version is the accurate one.

Let me also add that black butch girls have some of the sexiest women not because they are "manly", not at all.... are you actually LOOKING at their faces? They are GOOD LOOKING, not all, just like with any group of people, but those like me who are good looking, but don't mind appearing more masculine, we get girls because we have the looks to back our game up. You do realize that if that girl let her hair grow, started wearing make up and sexy women's clothes, you wouldn't know her from the butch woman you see on the screen. Lesbians LOVE butch women as much as they love lipstick lesbians. I assumed that was common knowledge.

Oh, so many things. First of all, you got me, I'm not an expert on lesbians. That is an indisputable fact. Your common knowledge is not common to me. But if you read my post, I clearly wrote "I have so many questions". I was asking! But second of all:

"please try to look more closely at a dark skinned person's features before assuming that your version is the accurate one."

What an annoying fucking sentence. What does that even mean? "Before assuming that your version is the accurate one". Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and keep assuming that what I think is right, cause that's kind of normal.

But let's move on to some of these points.

Her hair is not at all cut like a man's? Really? Cause this is her haircut:





NBA guard Von Wafer has the exact same haircut, so I don't think you're right. Clearly there is some overlap on this hairstyle. If you saw her from behind, it would not be that out of line to assume she played point guard for the Houston Rockets.

You can't mistake her for a man? Hmmm, well, I'll let the people be the judge:



Actually, no I'm not. I'll judge. That looks like a man to me. And I'm gonna assume my version of that is correct. I'm not sure which "bits and pieces" are in that picture, but those bits and pieces look like a dude.

I'll go a step further, I honestly can't tell her and Ray J apart.




For all I know, she was the one banging Kim Kardashian.

And finally, this had nothing to do with the color of her skin. You brought that into it. And it's very interesting how defiant you were that she's "not butch at all", and then said that perhaps she's a "soft butch". The word butch is still involved! That's butch adjacent!

God Damn, lesbians are annoying. It's not my fault you look like men but choose to go out with women who look like men. That's gonna cause confusion, sorry.

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Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 5

I am in no mood for this shit, but I do it for you. Let's go.

The guys are flying to a different city in Thailand. Ryan says the excitement isn't wearing off and it never will. Yeah dude, that's kinda why everyone hates you.

Meanwhile, Ames tells us all about the new city they're going to and how it's the perfect place to go on dates. Okay Ames, but I don't think Ashley is gonna like the same places that 12 year old boys do. But it's nice to see that we've picked up right where we left off from last episode.

Oh, this is the vaunted "2 on 1" episode - where 2 guys go on a date with Ashley and only 1 returns. The Bachelor always builds this up. But before we get to that, the first solo date is with...

Constantine. Just kidding, it's his identical twin, Ben F. Many are claiming he is a dead ringer for Rafa Nadal, but I think he's more like a young Constantine.




They go look at ruins together, which might as well represent Ashley's self esteem at this point.

Ashley claims that she just wants to "jump on him". Then she says "everything with Ben is so comfortable, it feels like he's been my boyfriend for a long time". Ooh, nothing spells passion like "comfortable" and "long term relationship". Put Fabio on that book jacket and you've got a summer read to masturbate to.

Ben starts talking about his wine making and picking grapes in the field...so basically he's a migrant worker. But didn't he admit a few episodes ago that he's like, an assistant or something? The point is, he's not Francis Ford Fucking Coppola. He gets coffee for a living, and in his spare time picks a few grapes just so he has something cool to tell girls.

Also, his dad died.

Ben gets the rose, and then a bunch of Thai girls come out with fire and finally we get some hotties on this show! Joe Torre should be able to walk out of the dugout right now, tap his right arm, and have one of these asian girls come in and relieve Ashley of her Bachelorette duties.

Group date. It looks like it will involve some Muy Thai boxing. Good thing there's no chance of Ashley getting hit in the boobs. That is an impossible small target.

The rest of the guys look like their ready for Rocky 7, but Ames has no idea how to fight. He kicks a punching bag and falls. It's sad. Then they flash to the guys doing push ups with little Asian men straddling their back, it's a quick shot but I swear Ames was erect.

Then they pick out their boxing gear, and Ames gets stuck with pink shorts, pink gloves, and pink socks. And by gets stuck I mean gets the exact ones he wants.

The guys have to fight each other. And they don't look too bad. Lucas, who earlier claimed he's been in his share of "street fights", gets his ass kicked by Blake. I think Blake's been in his share of real fights.

Next up, Mickey vs. JP. JP gets whooped, and then in an incredible turnaround, loses his mind and goes upside Mickey's head. It's awesome. JP is the million dollar baby.

And then it's Ryan vs. Ames, gay vs. even gayer! Ames' fighting style can best be described as floating like a butterfly, stings like Ricky Martin. Ames gets rocked with a bunch of right hands, those aren't the shots to the face he's used to taking in Thailand.

Finally, it's Nick vs. Constantine. They don't show us much, because everyone is concerned that Ames might be seriously fucked up (though they show that Constantine won, which is surprising because Nick is a monster).

An ambulance is called and Ames goes to a hospital. Well, thank God, if there's one thing that Thailand is known for, it's health care. That, and man/boy anal love.

Ames rejoins the date later that night. He's okay, but he does have a lisp. Was that there before?

Funny scene with Ashley and Lucas. She keeps trying to get him to show her how to swing a golf club. She turns around and backs into him, and he's like, "no, turn around and watch me". And she keeps trying to get him to do the "put your arms around me" thing, and seems completely uninterested.

Then Ashley says "Lucas is pretty smooth with the ladies, he gave me a golf lesson tonight and I was pretty turned on". Um, you initiated the whole thing. He wanted nothing to do with it.

She's still talking about Bentley.

Ashley gives Blake the rose. I guess she's looking for guys who are good at hitting other guys. Jim Lampley would be proud. Blake is kind of a weird dude. Seriously, the only guy that seems normal to me at all is JP. Everyone else has major question marks.

The two on one is with William and Ben C. Yeah, bye bye, William. You don't come back from telling the girl you wish she was someone else. But at least your comedy career is on its way!

William tells Ashley "I'm not gonna throw Ben under the bus or anything..." and then, of course, throws him under the bus. He claims that Ben is ready to go home and that he's looking forward to "the dating websites when he gets out of here". I don't even know what that means. He can't wait to go on eharmony? No one gets excited for that, that's what you do when everything else hasn't worked.

Dumbass Ashley tells William "I know you're not saying that out of malice". I'm telling you, my Costanza theory about her holds up. Everything she thinks is the opposite of right.

And what does she do? She just immediately tells Ben to leave without asking him about the accusations. She walks him off, and he is clearly pissed. He's very worked up, and tells her that it's very upsetting, and he's been betrayed, and he was joking around. And I believe him. Ashley gets even more defiant and tells him to leave. God damn, this idiot.

William is an evil bastard. But keep in mind, many of the great standup comedians have personal problems.

What did people say before they said "a whole new level"?

Whoa. Ashley announces that she doesn't it feel it anymore for William. Ah, so she was using this date to get rid of him, and then he flipped it on Ben, and now she has to get rid of both. And the Bachelor loses another comedy legend.

On William's trail of tears to the Thailand airport, he basically says that he's going to kill himself. I'm not making that up. He might be dead right now.

Poor Ashley, she's depressed. She thinks the process isn't going to work. Why? Because her perfect man, Bentley, the guy who finds her repulsive, isn't there. She hates all of these guys, probably because they like her.

And right on cue, Ashley talks to Constantine and tells him she likes him because he was honest and said "I don't like you as much as the other guys". Ha! Then she asks him, "do you feel closer to the guys than me?" And he goes, "naturally". She eats it up.

Ashley says she needs closure with Bentley. I think the closure was when he left the show. She tells Chris Harrison, "I know you're not gonna be happy with me". Makes you wonder what else has been said. Like the producers have been yelling at her, "forget about Bentley! He's gone! Stick with Ames! You have so much in common! You both hate who you really are!"

It's so funny, she keeps going, "something is telling me there was something so real with Bentley!" How has she not killed herself while watching these episodes yet?

Chris asks "how do we put this to rest for good?" Um, how about you just tell her how Bentley hates her and left cause he couldn't stand looking at her anymore? You have the answers! Just tell her. Shit.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

CONSTANTINE - I thought she already gave him a rose, oh yeah, that was Ben

LUCAS - he'll stay as long as he doesn't have to touch her

JP - you're too good for her, man!

AMES - her instincts are on fire, as always

MICKEY - he's strange

RYAN - the excitement hasn't dimmed!

The buff blonde guy, Nick, is toast. No surprise there. His biggest downfall was that he likes women. That's a no no with Ashley.

Next week: Hong Kong. And the confrontation with Bentley (which they teased was this week, in a bullshit move). And the guys revolt! Now this is something to look forward to. Finally!

Good night.

FYI: I'll be at the Chuckle Hut next week opening for William.

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"The Killing" Kills Itself

SPOILERS AHEAD

Well, season 1 of "The Killing" concluded last night, and man, I've never seen a show try harder to get no one to watch it.

This season has been less a rollercoaster ride than just a pure downward spiral. There's no worse feeling than realizing the TV show you're watching doesn't know what the hell it is doing.

It goes to show that it is much easier to produce a great first episode, then it is to craft an entire season. And that sucks, because usually we base our viewing habits on that pilot. And after the pilot of "The Killing", I was in. I was invested in the mystery of who killed Rosie Larsen, and this show seemed to be driving towards the answer to that question.

Wrong.

How can you do a show with a premise that is: one murder investigation followed through an entire season, and not have an ending? How can you have an entire marketing campaign that is "who killed Rosie Larson?" and not tell us who killed Rosie Larsen?

The finale was a punch to the audience's balls. But the problems didn't start there. They actually began around episode 6 or 7. That's when you started to get the feeling that they were treading water.

There was no real information being given out because they were so far away from the ending (or so we thought). So you know that everything was just bullshit, because there was so much more time in the season. Granted, it's hard to do a show that just focuses on one case, but that's probably why no one else does it.

The pacing was completely wrong. Instead of planting clues and building towards an ending, they just used red herrings and then every 3 episodes the investigation would basically start from scratch. So really, you could've just watched the last 2 episodes and be pretty much caught up.

The show was sloppy. I tried to ignore the obvious mistakes in the investigation. The use of technology only when it served their purpose. The complete lack of logic. The fact that the detectives were responsible for a man getting beaten with an inch of his life and yet didn't seem to care.

But I kept watching. I thought, I at least want to find out the answers. I want to know who did it, where this is all going, maybe it will all make sense in the end.

Wrong again.

Last night, the show killed itself. And please don't compare it to The Sopranos or Lost, those endings can be debated for completely different reasons. This one, the writers have no defense. They insulted the audience. They told us they were going to give us an arrest at the end, which they easily could have, and they didn't. Why?

Probably because they knew they didn't have the goods. They knew that whoever the killer was, it wouldn't be satisfying, because their show was built on quicksand. They didn't set it up properly, and their payoff wouldn't have been worth the 13 episode commitment.

Plus, everything about the last 10 minutes was stupid. You can't have a main character just completely do a 180 for no reason. And it's the dumbest frame job in the history of frame jobs. He's gonna invent a photo and think that's gonna hold up in court? That's insane. I'm pretty sure that would get figured out by the defense attorney in about 2 seconds, which it actually did.

And another revenge killing for killing Rosie? They really went to that well. JFK only had one, Rosie has two?

And no fiance in the finale episode? At all?

And Stan doesn't tell his wife about the other house?

And all that stuff they figured out about the car, they could've done that in the beginning. They just noticed the gas gauge? Come on, Linden.

And...

Anyway, fuck off, "The Killing". You're dead to me.

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I Went to the R. Kelly Concert With My Mom

Last week I traveled up to Oakland to attend the R. Kelly concert with my mom. As you know, I am something of an R. Kelly connoisseur. I have been to many of his shows, so I was excited when my mom, an R. Kelly virgin (good Lord I hope that's true), got tickets and asked me to come up.

As a veteran, I had many expert tips to provide her in preparation for the show. Actually, it was just one: be ready to see a lot of fat black ladies.

We went straight from the airport to the Oakland Coliseum. The parking attendant directed us to some VIP parking right next to the arena, we're not sure why, but we assumed it had something to do with my mom being the only 60 year old white lady there.

When we walked in, my mom was stunned. Even though I had adequately warned her, she could not believe how right I was about the fat black ladies. But it wasn't just them, it was the outfits they were wearing. Tiny outfits. They are perfectly happy to let their third lady lump - their gut - stick out. Good for them.

We got to our seats and watched Keisha Cole and her awful wig do her thing. She's an Oakland native, so the crowd was fired up. After the 10th song about a man dogging her out, I started to get depressed. "Keisha Cole has a nice voice, but she is depressing as shit", I believe I said. Can't men just be good to the ladies? Damn!

Finally, it was R. time.

A black and white video played of R. in a 1950's style bar. An ex girlfriend approaches and begs him to take her back. He refuses. I'm not sure what this whole thing was about, but I think it had something to do with the fact that this was the "Love Letter" tour. You see, for R.'s latest album, he went retro. No bumping and grinding, no sex in the kitchen, no peeing on the face, it was good, clean, old school style love songs. And this girl was begging him to go back to his raunchy ways.

And R. had to put his foot down, he simply would not do it.

Then R. came out to thunderous applause. He did 2 songs from the Love Letter album, and then, much to everyone's delight, he completely abandoned the entire premise of the video and just started doing all of his old hits.

The thing is, R. has so many hits that he only does like a verse of each, which kind of sucks but is also kind of awesome, because you at least get to hear your favorite song, whichever that may be.

But as the show continued, and I stood next to my mom, it really started to set in that a majority of R. Kelly's songs involve eating a woman out. That's not something you want to sing along to with your mom next to you.

At one point, he was encouraging the ladies to toss their underwear, and I felt relieved that my mom wasn't making a move.



We pressed on. And R. did not disappoint, putting in 2 hours of hard work. He was sweating up a storm, probably because of the giant jacket he was wearing. He needs something that can breathe.

Anyway, it was a great night. Thanks to Mrs. Handleman, and more importantly, Kellz.

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I'm Watching the Real L Word Again

The Real L Word has started its second season on Showtime. And I don't know what it is, but I love watching the lives of real L words in Los Angeles. Oh, I know what it is that I love: the graphic lesbian sex.

Seriously, this show is basically porn. That's actually the brilliance of it. It's like someone said, "what if we took all the good stuff from The Real World and Real Housewives, and added random girl on girl action?" It's an unstoppable formula.

But really, that's not completely it. It seems like I can enjoy any reality show that has some sense of reality to it. What I cannot stand is any show that is blatantly fake. I don't get why people enjoy the completely scripted antics of The Kardashians or the Girls Next Door, or I guess, any "reality" show on E!

I need it to feel real, and "The Real L World" is making it happen. I'm invested in their lives. Somehow, I have come to believe that the Dinah Shore Classic is the most romantic place on Earth.

They've only brought one girl back from last season, and it's the always entertaining girl-whore Whitney. She's got tattoos and dreadlocks, and apparently the softball set can't get enough of her. She's banging chicks left and right. Seemingly every scene with her involves her picking up someone new from the airport. She's like Biggie Smalls "isn't this great? Your flight leaves at 8, her flight lands at 9, my game just rewinds". Very impressive.

As always, I have a lot of lesbian questions while I watch. The biggest one from the first episode of the new season involves the black couple. There is a very, very butch black girl who could easily be mistaken for a man who meets a girl on match.com.

She meets the girl out with some friends and it turns out the girl is extremely good looking. She's hot. Now, if the butch one were a guy and this was a heterosexual situation, I'd say "well, you took a shot, but she's completely out of your league". But with lesbians, you're never out of the game.

And sure enough, the two hit it off and it looks like we will be seeing them naked in future episodes - which is both awesome and horrifying. It's like eating a cake that's 69-ing some pig's feet.

So my question is: if you're a lesbian, how do you know if the girl you're hitting on cares about looks? Cause it's pretty clear that the butch girl wants someone pretty, while the pretty girl wants someone manly. I guess that's something you just have to feel out. But it's cool how you're never completely out of it, 2's can get 9's in this world. That's the kind of society I'm in favor of.

Anyway, The Real L World. Check your local listings.

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Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 4

Yes, I'm excited about "Bachelor Pad". And yes, I'm even more excited that Graham Bunn is involved. Bunn! But I'll get to that when that show comes on.

As for this crapfest, we are headed to Thailand. Ashley puts her tiny boobs on full display in a bikini top while traveling solo in a little boat. This brings up the question: can something that doesn't exist be on display?

She still misses Bentley, she "can't forget about him". It's not fun to fight for a girl's heart while she's still hung up on a loser who thinks she's ugly and annoying. That's how I spent my high school years.

Ames, he of the freakish mutant face, says there's "no better place to start over than Thailand". I believe that's the slogan of NAMBLA.

How is Ashley this hung up on Bentley already? He did nothing except mumble and lie to her. Oh, now I understand why every guy I hate did better with women than me.

Constantine's hair gets the first one on one date. Ashley's big boat plan is thwarted by bad weather. I hate when the bachelor/bachelorette gives their date credit for "going with the flow" when the plans change. I haven't seen a person yet go "this is bullshit! I was promised a helicopter ride and I'm not doing anything else!" Bentley could've been a trailblazer.

Nothing happens on this date. I mean, nothing. Ashley says she's preoccupied with Bentley. Holy shit, woman, you knew him for a week. She went out with Brad for 2 months and found dentistry more appealing. And Bentley is no Brad.

Now Ashley is insecure with all the guys. I kind of enjoy that. She's the first bachelor ever who worried that people might hate her, and she's the first bachelor ever who might be right.

You know a girl who is awful when every time I see JP I get upset and yell at the TV "you're good for her, man!" That's not heterosexual behavior.

Constantine and Ashley make Jason and Molly look like Leo and Blake. If you don't know what that sentence means then I respect and admire you.

Group date. Everyone else is on it except for Ames, the mutant face. Ashley doesn't think the guys know about the tsunami that killed 300 thousand people. She tells them that they are going to be rebuilding a school. The guys do not look pleased at all. If I'm gonna have to do community service, at least let me rob a bank or drive drunk first.

Everyone decides they hate Ryan. The reason? Well, he's kinda like Tom Cruise - too much energy. And also, gay.

I wonder if children in third world countries ever get tired of TV producers always hanging around.

Interesting to note that Bentley just happened to leave right before they flew off to a different country a million miles away. I'm guessing he would've hung around if they were staying in the LA mansion.

Ashley keeps having to trick guys into telling her they like her. And then things go from bad to worse: JP tries to pick her up and collapses under her weight.

This episode could be a half hour and it would have the same content.

Uncomfortable meter goes off the charts: Ryan steals Ashley away right before she gives out the rose and awkwardly says "I just wanted to...wanted to say...I'll see ya soon". It's bizarre. He's the biggest closet case the show has seen since one Mr. Jake Pavelka.

Ben F. gets the rose. Or is it Constantine? If you're one of the guys, you'd have to say that Ashley's type is long haired brunettes with no personality.

Right now, they are clearly setting it up so Ashley does not give Ames the rose on their date.

Right out of the gate Ames drops a bombshell: apparently he's been to Thailand multiple times...alone.

His excuse? He came to Thailand for "cooking school". Yeah, I'll bet he cooked up some underage cock.

Ames: "Phuket is the perfect place to fall in love". I'm sure he's fallen in love here before, with some underage cock.

Ashley says: what's your best first date? Ames replies "I met 'someone' in a shoe store once, I said 'what are you doing later?' And I said 'going out with you'...we ended up going out for a long time". He never says if it's a woman or a man. I'm guessing it was...underage cock.

Ames is the biggest closet case this show has seen since one Mr. Ryan.

Say what you want about Ames' awful mutant face, the man has beautiful human teeth.

Ashley to Ames: "you're definitely different then the rest of the guys here". And "we have so much in common". Yeah, you do.

Ashley: "What are you looking for in a woman?" Ames: "There is no list".

It's funny that Ames stands out as gay because he seems so much smarter and better with women than the other guys.

Ashley gives him a rose. Wow, I was wrong, but also right, it's just that Ashley has the worst judgment I've ever seen.

Ames brags that he and Ashley "didn't kiss tonight".

Cocktail party time. West assures Ashley he's over his dead wife. Lucas assures her that he's over his ex-wife, and also that he's not 50 years old.

Blake confronts Ryan about how he's so annoying. Ryan, in a very funny Tom Cruise-esque interview says, "I mean, okay, you can't hang with the fact that I'm fricking happy a lot?! Sorry, I'm in Phuket, Thailand, it's kinda nice". Then he compares his situation with the troops in Iraq, and how much better the guys here have it. Yeah. He's frightening.

Ryan is stunned by all this, then gets alone with Ashley and she goes "you seem so happy all the time". This sets him off even more. "I'm bursting with a lot of love in my chest!"

I guarantee you he's a Scientologist.

Ashley talks with Chris, and says the word "great" 6 times in one minute. Then he asks if she's still hung up on Bentley, and she says "my woman's intuition, I just feel like there's something more there". Your intuition is about as impressive as your tits.

I just realized that Ashley is George Costanza, every instinct she has is wrong. She needs to do the opposite. If she does that she'll end up married to JP and working for the Yankees.

Chris basically admits that they were trying to send Ames home - Ashley flat out says it "I thought I was going to send him home". But then he talked his way back in. I'm sure the producer's told her "for the last date, who would you not give a rose to". But she changed her mind.

Ashley doesn't want to eliminate 2 guys. What?! There are 11 dudes, you can't get rid of 2? You can't narrow them down anymore than that? That means something is wrong with you.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

LUCAS - shoulda gotten rid of him

RYAN - shoulda gotten rid of him

JP - My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

NICK - didn't say a word all episode

MICKEY - shoulda gotten rid of him

BLAKE - the king of confrontation

WILLIAM - wisely kept his stupid mouth shut all episode

When Chris comes up to announce the final rose, he scares the shit out of Ashley. Very funny.

BEN C. - the square jaw.

West is gone. That's right, she only wanted to get rid of one person, and it was the guy with the dead wife. That should cheer him up.

Ashley tells the remaining guys that they will be continuing their journey to another city in Thailand. Coincidentally, Ames has been there before, and stayed at the Hotel Some Young Guy.

Next week: One of the guys drops dead, and Bentley returns???

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I Finally Get My Big Break Part II

Thank you all for watching.

So a few months ago we got a 2 week break. We were talking about how hard it is to find good viewer videos to put on the show. So we thought it would be interesting for everyone, while on vacation, to film their own video.

Of course, for the first week I did nothing and tried not to think of it. And then the second week came around and I started to get nervous. I took this assignment very seriously, and did not want to come back to work with an awful video. I have a reputation to protect.

As the days passed, I really started freaking out. I checked around and it seemed like everyone else had ideas and were working together and all this stuff, and I was going to be the idiot.

I had several ideas. The first was to try and get Ron Artest. We have a very hard time getting celebrities on the show and I thought it would be a huge upset if I somehow got one on my own (I had a connection). The idea was that Ron would just say, "I'm Ron Artest, and this is the black dick of the week". And then the camera pans down and he's not wearing any pants.

Well, Ron fell through.

Then one day I was driving home and there was a guy carrying a giant package of toilet paper. So I thought, I will have a girl reenact this, and then I will just drive by her and yell: "Hey there, waddya...gonna take a shit?!" And drive off.

The girl fell through.

You may notice that a lot of my ideas involve shit and dicks.

Finally, there was my fall back. A bunch of people used to come over to my house every week to watch the show. My tradition would be to race home after work and quickly eat a big bowl of corn before they came over.

So when they got to my house they'd see a giant bowl of corn. From then on, I was known as the "corn guy". Everyone just assumed I really, really loved corn, which makes sense, because I do.

We also always talk about the dream of a no wipe shit. There are times when you think you got one, and then you reach back there and realize that you are completely wrong. And then other times when you think no way, and then the toilet paper is clean. It's very hard to predict. I combined that with the corn and voila, my viewer video.

I was relieved...not just because I had taken a crap of corn, but because I at least had something to show. I wasn't going in empty handed.

On the Monday after the break, it was time to show the videos. And much to my chagrin, hardly anyone did it! What the hell? I had stressed about it, produced the thing, and others just didn't do it. I wasn't happy.

But we screened the ones that were made, and mine got a laugh. We were originally going to do a thing about how horrible all of them were, but we ended up just showing mine for some reason.

And now the TV and movie offers have been flooding in.

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After 20 Seasons, They Still Don't Know How to Produce TV

Ashley from the Bachelorette was on Jimmy Kimmel last night. I didn't watch it because I work for a living and enjoy sleeping. But evidently, she talked all about Bentley and everything that happened on the last episode.

Um, excuse me?

How can the producers of the Bachelorette let this happen? You just gave another show your best content. Why? Do they not understand how television works?

I'm honestly confused by this. It's a boring season with a boring main character (Ashley). But you had one interesting thing - Bentley. He's talking behind Ashley's back, and you've set up a storyline where the audience is waiting for the big confrontation when Ashley finds out about Bentley trashing her all season.

Well, instead of showing that big moment on your show, you let someone else get it. That would be like declaring the winner of The Amazing Race or Survivor on Craig Ferguson. You would never do that, so why would you let Kimmel get Ashley's response when that hasn't even been given on the show yet?

Huge fuck up.

For the record though, I'm hearing that Bentley comes back in episode 6. So maybe they'll get the big scoop...a month later.

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I Wish I Was Famous So I Could Get Paid For This

I was having issues with my dish washer - a weird grime was being left on the dishes. I contemplated buying a new dish washer all together. And then I did some research on the internet and saw some people writing about Lemi Shine. I could only find it on Amazon, so I ordered 2 bottles to test it out. Well, much to my surprise, it's a damn miracle cure.

Lemi Shine is the shit.

We now resume regular programming.

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Tonight at 10 on Comedy Central, I Finally Get My Big Break

If you want to see the man behind the Handleman, I strongly encourage you to watch tonight's Tosh. I finally get a much unwanted moment in the spotlight in the viewer video segment.

I will warn you, I had no idea it would ever go on TV so I didn't properly get into hair and makeup. I assume I look a lot better under Oprah's lighting.

Later in on the week, I'll tell you more about the background behind that bit. Enjoy!

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Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 3

Will this be the episode that saves the season? Howard Stern said today that he's already seen this episode and the next, and that tonight our "minds will be blown". Pretty bold statement.

At the very least, we are going to see some dickery. Let's begin...

Ben gets the one on one date, and I swear I've never seen him in my life. He's a lawyer from New Orleans. I wonder if his last name is Franklin or Bash.

Oh boy. They're hipping it up! They're going to do a flash mob, cause that's what the kids are into these days. Where's Howie Mandel, the arbiter of all things young and cool and germ free?

Before that happens, we have to watch more dancing from Ashley. We get it, she's a dancer. Except when she's a dentist and that's all she can focus on and can't have relationships.

Then they go to an outdoor mall and start doing the dance, and then everyone joins in and Ben supposedly has no idea this was going to happen. And they're all doing it and it's lame and just like Oprah except for with Far East Movement and not Black Eyed Peas. On next week's episode: Ashley gives away cars to the guys and fucks Gayle King.

And then for some reason, Far East Movement is there and they sing a different song. But they just danced to their song and they were nowhere to be found. Very odd. Not good producing.

While they're singing, Ben is totally trying to dance and Ashley seemingly has no interest in dancing at all. Maybe cause she's really a dentist.

Later that night, they have dinner on the roof of a hotel or something. Ashley asks him what he's looking for, and he says "I wanna live in a bubble with somebody, I wanna live in some unrealistic, idealistic bubble where we are convinced that we are more in love than any other couple that ever lived". Ah, youth.

And he sounds even crazier when he says it then can be translated in the typed out words. He's all intense and self helpy about it. I guess he doesn't realize that people who are in relationships like that usually end up sending photos of their penis to everyone with a Twitter account.

Ben is a tall guy with a square jaw, but a pure dork in every way. He's not normal, he's a weirdo. He's not going home tonight, but he'll get dumped in a few weeks and won't see it coming, because he is living in a fairy tale world with himself.

They do one of those kisses where they just smush their lips together for an uncomfortably long time. That's not a kiss, that's just lip bumping, subtle difference there.

The next day. Ashley comes over for the group date. Jeff the Mask grabs her for some alone time. It's so funny how everything Jeff the Mask is saying is supposedly what girls want yet it is so obviously the opposite of what girls want.

He finally takes the mask off, and they build it up in a very dramatic, semi jokey way. But the best part is right after he takes it off, he says "Hi, I'm Jeff". Like he's now a totally different person, when the reality is he looks exactly as everyone knew he looked.

On the group date, they go to the Comedy Store. Jeff the Unmasked says "behind that mask is some gutsy humor". Ha! Gutsy humor. That's the line of the night for some reason. You know what would be even more gutsy? Showing girls your face.

"Roastmaster General" Jeffrey Ross comes out and announces that they are going to roast Ashley. I've been doing that for the past 3 weeks, Jeff Ross.

Important note: Ashley is wearing a shirt that is unbuttoned at the top, and she has absolutely zero boobs. Zero. Chaz Bono style.

Oh shit, William is so fired up for this. Remember, he wants to be a standup. He thinks this is his big opportunity, and that Ross is gonna open up all these doors for him. I hate him so much.

Ames, like Robert Pattinson, has a midget head.

Lucas goes first and doesn't roast Ashley at all. Very smart. He does an Ames joke though, which was "when is your forehead going to give birth".

After some other guys, it's Jeff the Unmasked's turn. He opens with a zinger: he reaches down on the floor and goes "Ashley, I just picked up your tits". Ashley interviews "I know I have small boobs, I am aware, so if they want to make fun of it, it's fair game". Good to know, but I was doing it before I even knew I had her permission

Then the rest of the guys chime in with the small boobs jokes, very enjoyable. With that shirt, she was kinda asking for it.

Whoa, they bleep the word "douchebag"? That's a swear word now? Guess I can't write for ABC. Check another network off the list.

Finally, it's William's turn. Mr. Standup Comedian. "I thought I was signing up to be with Emily or Chantal...really, who gives a shit?" Was that even a joke? Someone yells "too soon!" Well, he's not getting Ashley now, but at least he has that big standup career to fall back on.

Bentley says about William: "I feel the same way, but that was bad".

And here come the waterworks! Ashley breaks down and cries. Bentley sees her crying and says "I'm not gonna miss an opportunity to mess with her head". So he goes over to pretend comfort her. He knows this is gonna be on TV, right?

Ashley tells him that her biggest insecurity was that the guys wanted Emily and not her. Ding ding ding. Bentley tells her she's out of her mind and she's the greatest. Of course, she falls for it hook line and sinker because she's desperate.

I love how many times Ashley has said "the small boob thing" tonight.

William gets Ashley alone, and defends himself by saying that he wasn't thinking of her and her feelings, he was just trying to make other people laugh. Good one! Women love hearing that, or at least that's what I tell myself after I make a joke that crosses the line.

I can't believe a roast hurt someone's feelings. They're supposed to encourage high self esteem.

William tells her that he can't make her feel better and she should talk to the other guys. That's a new one. Then he walks out and starts roaming skid row in downtown Los Angeles. He'll probably meet a lot of other failed stand up comedians down there. I think I see Dice Clay.

Okay, time out for a second. Do the producers acknowledge they seriously fucked this up, or do they think this is good for the show? There's never been talk on this show about "do you wish someone else is here?" It's always been about pumping the bachelor/bachelorette up and making them seem like the greatest. Isn't this whole thing exposing how stupid a choice Ashley was? Or are they pretending it's on purpose for this drama?

Ashley gets Bentley alone again. She reveals that someone told her - Michelle Money (as we suspected) - that Bentley was here for the wrong reasons. Bentley explains that Michelle knows his ex-wife and that she's not a great source of information. That's his explanation. It doesn't take much with this girl.

Ashley: "After talking to Bentley, I believe every word he says..." Good instincts.

In even worse instincts, Ashley gives the rose to Ryan, the obviously gay guy.

My copilot informs me that Ashley was wearing the same top last week. She also says Ashley has "the worst fake eyelashes ever". So make of that what you will.

The next day, Bentley decides that he doesn't want to be here anymore. But he didn't even get to promote his vaunted business! He packs up and informs the other dudes. He tells them it's because of his daughter, and the other guys say he's "a good dad". Bentley is proud of his deceit over the guys, even though there's no reason for them to believe anything else.

Bentley heads down to Ashley's house to tell her the news. "I'm going to make Ashley cry...I hope my hair looks okay". Again, does he know women around the country are going to see this? Seems like bad form. Maybe this is Wes' fault, cause he was a dick, and then Gia still liked him on the Bachelor Pad. Gia ruined this for everyone. I knew it could be her fault somehow.

Bentley: "Emily is such a standout, so breathtakingly beautiful that Ashley can only look like an ugly duckling to me". Well, after watching Brad and his gorgeous chest all last season, I feel the same way about you.

Bentley doesn't even say anything, Ashley just says "you're leaving?" and looks really upset. Then he sits down and semi cries while talking about his daughter, much like Weiner talking about his weiner today. You cannot trust men, ladies. We can cry just as good as you can, that's our secret weapon. That and not having souls.

Ashley cries and is like "I'm not going to be able to forget about you!". Oh, she is not having fun watching this at home right now.

Bentley: "It's annoying to just hold a girl that's crying...and crying...and crying. I had already checked out". Gotta be honest, I've been there.

Might be time to mention here that the Bachelor once kicked a girl out for flirting with a producer. It's interesting that they don't have the decency to tell Ashley that this dude is lying to her face. She has a right to be pissed.

For the good of the show, they should show her what he's been saying in the interviews. That would be good TV, and help the other guys out.

I hate the way Bentley talks, it's somewhere between a mumble and an even bigger mumble. Half the time I think I'm listening to Pootie Tang.

Ashley goes and cries on her bed, "why?! Why this?!"

Come on, you were told he had no interest in you. Doesn't that pop into your brain? The one guy you were warned about happens to bail when you think everything is good? You'd have to at least consider it. No boobs and no brains, not a good combination.

JP comes over for their date. Ashley is still upset and doesn't think they can have a good time. Isn't it interesting how some people have no idea what's actually good for them? She should be stepping her game for JP, because he is way better than Bentley. But instead she's sobbing over the guy who has been shitting on her for the last hour.

Ashley asks if they can wear sweats and get cozy. She comes out in sweats and bad glasses, and says "thanks for letting myself look like this in front of you". She should've said that to America in the first episode. Something has to be wrong with JP that he's accepting this behavior.

Chris Harrison gets some alone time with Ashley. He tries to get Ashley to say that it was just "the idea of Bentley" that she loved. Uh, no. She actually loved him. He's dancing around it, but dude, you know the truth! Tell her! Insane.

Ashley is like, "there's no closure, it's open ended". Chris says "that's such a guy thing to say". Ashley: "It is?" Ha. Chris is trying to tell her that Bentley isn't that good and the other guys are great. Again, fucking say it. This makes no sense at all. Are they gonna let Jimmy Kimmel get the scoop on this? Why? Put the good content from your show ON YOUR SHOW!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Instead of a dress, Ashley decided to wear some tinfoil tonight.

CONSTANTINE - here's to staying under the radar!

WEST - didn't speak a word this episode

MICKY - a weird man

BEN F. - let's be honest, she doesn't know the difference between him and Constantine, and neither do we

BLAKE - riding the dentist thing all way to the semis

NICK - the platinum blonde

AMES - midget head

LUCAS - will be gone next week

WILLIAM - a second chance at love...and comedy

Well, I guess this proves one thing: always leave the mask on. Your face will just ruin everything.

Chris is also gone. He was the 25 year old. So I think she just get rid of the youngest guy and the oldest guy, but I still suspect that Lucas is 50.

As a final punctuation, Jeff the Unmasked throws his mask into the fire. Aw. I'm gonna miss that mask. Not Jeff though, still glad he's gone.

Next week: Ashley is in a bathing suit a lot. Which raises the question: should she allowed to go topless unblurred? There's nothing to see there.

Good night.

Oh, and one last shot of Jeff on the toilet with the mask on. Never gets old.

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Pictures I Took from My TV

I caught some of the MTV Movie Awards tonight. Normally, I would write a few hilariously mean jokes about the proceedings. As I was preparing to do that, I was hit with a barrage of indescribable images. As great a wordsmith as I am, I just could not do justice to what I was seeing.

As these things kept popping up on screen, I started taking pictures of them. At first, it was just going to be one. But then there was another insane shot, and another, and another. So here are some photos I took from my TV.

First up, I've written extensively about Taylor Lautner's pig nose. And the fact that he's quite obviously gay. When Robert Pattinson and Kristen "I'm so dark and interesting" Stewart won for Best Kiss, Pattinson went over and kissed Lautner. I'm sure he was in heaven.

But that's when I noticed something. The nose had distracted me from his crazy neck:


And by the way, Robert Pattinson has a giant head. I don't understand how he is labeled handsome. If you swapped his head with Peter Dinklage's head, no one would notice.




Then host Jason Sudeikis was doing some bit on the piano that I wasn't paying attention to, and he referred to Brooklyn Decker.

The camera cut to a shot of some unattractive lady laughing, and I was like, where is Brooklyn Decker? And to my horror, I realized, that is Brooklyn Decker!


What the hell happened? When you remove her boobs from the equation, a stark reality emerges.

Then of course, there was the Beebs. Justin Bieber. I realize that the "Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian" thing has been said. But let me tell you something, my mom was a women's basketball coach. I had to go to a lot of games. I sat in the stands with a lot of lesbians. So I'm a pretty good expert on the lesbian look.

And Justin Bieber looks like every woman in the stands at a Stanford women's basketball game. It's uncanny:

That blazer is a terrible idea. I'm pretty sure I saw him on ESPN2 coaching the Lady Techsters.

And finally, there's my girl Chelsea Handler. Holy shit. How old does she say she is again? Cause if it's anything less than 50 I'm not buying.

Hello, Chelsea? It's me, old face.

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Sarah Palin, A Real American

Oh please run for President. She literally cannot answer normal, unscripted questions, and we need this to keep happening. It's so enjoyable.

My favorite part is "send those warning shots and bells". That's right, British, if you come near us we will bell the shit out of you.

It's so odd that there are millions of Americans who adore this woman, or "revere" her, if you will. Like, they really think that she should have power. Bizarre. I struggle with this notion every day, and I'm completely fascinated by it.

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Street Justice

I went to Las Vegas to see some boxing, and took a lady friend with me. I love watching boxing in person. The problem is that it's really expensive. And even worse, they don't care if people actually buy tickets or not, so the prices never go down. It seems like they're fine with a half filled arena as long as it's on pay per view.

So my plan was to buy tickets from scalpers outside the arena. I hoped that as the preliminary bouts started, their prices would drop. Would they really hang onto tickets and get nothing for them? I was willing to find out.

I pulled $600 bucks out of the ATM, and we went over there. We got out of the cab and I was immediately pleased - there was a sea of scalpers waiting for us.

But to my surprise, they were asking for crazy money for their tickets. Almost everything was over a thousand bucks. Really? People are going to hand you thousands of dollars in cash in a parking lot? Yes, yes they are.

Well, we searched around and found some better offers. Finally, I got to talking with a Mexican guy, the only Mexican guy scalping, everyone else was black. And I say this not as a racist, but as something that will become significant later.

I negotiated a deal for 2 second deck seats for $300 dollars.

Then I headed up to the arena, hand over the tickets, and the ticket lady just shakes her head. "These aren't real tickets".

My heart sank.

"What?"

"You got screwed, honey. Sorry, can't accept these". She rips them up in front of me.

This was unacceptable. I begged and I pleaded, but apparently ticket ladies don't have the hearts of gold that they do in the movies.

She goes, "Well, there's some policemen right over there, maybe they can help you".

Sure enough, there were a couple of cops right there. I told them what happened. They listened, with barely any interest, and then just kinda shrugged their shoulders.

I had to suggest us walking out to the parking lot and see if we could find the guy. I cannot tell you how unhappy they were to do this. They probably took that shift just so they could watch the fight themselves.

We walk back outside, and I realized I had struck gold - the only Mexican guy! And he was wearing a very distinct leather jacket. Thanks, blacks!

The cops just stood there, while I'm ducking in and out of the crowd like I'm in an episode of 21 Jump Street.

I suddenly realized I was sort of far away from them, and that's when...

I spotted him! The Mexican in the leather jacket. He was still out there, finding more suckers, never suspecting that I had an inner Grieco inside of me.

And he spotted me. And thank God there were a million other people around or else I probably would've been shanked. Not because he's Mexican, mind you, but because he's obviously an evil doer (when I am wronged I start talking like George W. Bush).

As soon as our eyes met, he starts walking away. Slowly at first, then faster and faster, just getting the hell out of there.

And I start jumping up and down, yelling at the cops. "There he is! There he is!" I was like DeNiro in Midnight Run, "Serrano took the discs! Serrano took the discs!" And Alonzo Moseley, the cops in this case, are just standing there, helpless as can be.

At long last, they see me, then they see him, and then they take their minds off how awful their lives are and realize they are supposed to protect and serve and start running and the chase is on!

Eventually, they caught up with him and took him down (that's cop talk). They frisked him in front of me and pulled out a big wad of tickets and a bigger wad of cash. Of course, they couldn't give me my money back, it was "evidence" now. Fuck you, evidence.

After filling out a bunch of paper work, I realized: the main event hasn't started yet. Was I willing to risk it again? Yes, yes I was.

I found another scalper. A black one this time, just to be safe. And I got two more tickets for $300 dollars, and made the guy walk up to the arena with us. The tickets worked, I watched the fight, and my fighter won.

The morale of the story is this: be careful when buying from scalpers, especially if they are Mexican.

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