Yes, I'm excited about "Bachelor Pad". And yes, I'm even more excited that Graham Bunn is involved. Bunn! But I'll get to that when that show comes on.
As for this crapfest, we are headed to Thailand. Ashley puts her tiny boobs on full display in a bikini top while traveling solo in a little boat. This brings up the question: can something that doesn't exist be on display?
She still misses Bentley, she "can't forget about him". It's not fun to fight for a girl's heart while she's still hung up on a loser who thinks she's ugly and annoying. That's how I spent my high school years.
Ames, he of the freakish mutant face, says there's "no better place to start over than Thailand". I believe that's the slogan of NAMBLA.
How is Ashley this hung up on Bentley already? He did nothing except mumble and lie to her. Oh, now I understand why every guy I hate did better with women than me.
Constantine's hair gets the first one on one date. Ashley's big boat plan is thwarted by bad weather. I hate when the bachelor/bachelorette gives their date credit for "going with the flow" when the plans change. I haven't seen a person yet go "this is bullshit! I was promised a helicopter ride and I'm not doing anything else!" Bentley could've been a trailblazer.
Nothing happens on this date. I mean, nothing. Ashley says she's preoccupied with Bentley. Holy shit, woman, you knew him for a week. She went out with Brad for 2 months and found dentistry more appealing. And Bentley is no Brad.
Now Ashley is insecure with all the guys. I kind of enjoy that. She's the first bachelor ever who worried that people might hate her, and she's the first bachelor ever who might be right.
You know a girl who is awful when every time I see JP I get upset and yell at the TV "you're good for her, man!" That's not heterosexual behavior.
Constantine and Ashley make Jason and Molly look like Leo and Blake. If you don't know what that sentence means then I respect and admire you.
Group date. Everyone else is on it except for Ames, the mutant face. Ashley doesn't think the guys know about the tsunami that killed 300 thousand people. She tells them that they are going to be rebuilding a school. The guys do not look pleased at all. If I'm gonna have to do community service, at least let me rob a bank or drive drunk first.
Everyone decides they hate Ryan. The reason? Well, he's kinda like Tom Cruise - too much energy. And also, gay.
I wonder if children in third world countries ever get tired of TV producers always hanging around.
Interesting to note that Bentley just happened to leave right before they flew off to a different country a million miles away. I'm guessing he would've hung around if they were staying in the LA mansion.
Ashley keeps having to trick guys into telling her they like her. And then things go from bad to worse: JP tries to pick her up and collapses under her weight.
This episode could be a half hour and it would have the same content.
Uncomfortable meter goes off the charts: Ryan steals Ashley away right before she gives out the rose and awkwardly says "I just wanted to...wanted to say...I'll see ya soon". It's bizarre. He's the biggest closet case the show has seen since one Mr. Jake Pavelka.
Ben F. gets the rose. Or is it Constantine? If you're one of the guys, you'd have to say that Ashley's type is long haired brunettes with no personality.
Right now, they are clearly setting it up so Ashley does not give Ames the rose on their date.
Right out of the gate Ames drops a bombshell: apparently he's been to Thailand multiple times...alone.
His excuse? He came to Thailand for "cooking school". Yeah, I'll bet he cooked up some underage cock.
Ames: "Phuket is the perfect place to fall in love". I'm sure he's fallen in love here before, with some underage cock.
Ashley says: what's your best first date? Ames replies "I met 'someone' in a shoe store once, I said 'what are you doing later?' And I said 'going out with you'...we ended up going out for a long time". He never says if it's a woman or a man. I'm guessing it was...underage cock.
Ames is the biggest closet case this show has seen since one Mr. Ryan.
Say what you want about Ames' awful mutant face, the man has beautiful human teeth.
Ashley to Ames: "you're definitely different then the rest of the guys here". And "we have so much in common". Yeah, you do.
Ashley: "What are you looking for in a woman?" Ames: "There is no list".
It's funny that Ames stands out as gay because he seems so much smarter and better with women than the other guys.
Ashley gives him a rose. Wow, I was wrong, but also right, it's just that Ashley has the worst judgment I've ever seen.
Ames brags that he and Ashley "didn't kiss tonight".
Cocktail party time. West assures Ashley he's over his dead wife. Lucas assures her that he's over his ex-wife, and also that he's not 50 years old.
Blake confronts Ryan about how he's so annoying. Ryan, in a very funny Tom Cruise-esque interview says, "I mean, okay, you can't hang with the fact that I'm fricking happy a lot?! Sorry, I'm in Phuket, Thailand, it's kinda nice". Then he compares his situation with the troops in Iraq, and how much better the guys here have it. Yeah. He's frightening.
Ryan is stunned by all this, then gets alone with Ashley and she goes "you seem so happy all the time". This sets him off even more. "I'm bursting with a lot of love in my chest!"
I guarantee you he's a Scientologist.
Ashley talks with Chris, and says the word "great" 6 times in one minute. Then he asks if she's still hung up on Bentley, and she says "my woman's intuition, I just feel like there's something more there". Your intuition is about as impressive as your tits.
I just realized that Ashley is George Costanza, every instinct she has is wrong. She needs to do the opposite. If she does that she'll end up married to JP and working for the Yankees.
Chris basically admits that they were trying to send Ames home - Ashley flat out says it "I thought I was going to send him home". But then he talked his way back in. I'm sure the producer's told her "for the last date, who would you not give a rose to". But she changed her mind.
Ashley doesn't want to eliminate 2 guys. What?! There are 11 dudes, you can't get rid of 2? You can't narrow them down anymore than that? That means something is wrong with you.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
LUCAS - shoulda gotten rid of him
RYAN - shoulda gotten rid of him
JP - My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
NICK - didn't say a word all episode
MICKEY - shoulda gotten rid of him
BLAKE - the king of confrontation
WILLIAM - wisely kept his stupid mouth shut all episode
When Chris comes up to announce the final rose, he scares the shit out of Ashley. Very funny.
BEN C. - the square jaw.
West is gone. That's right, she only wanted to get rid of one person, and it was the guy with the dead wife. That should cheer him up.
Ashley tells the remaining guys that they will be continuing their journey to another city in Thailand. Coincidentally, Ames has been there before, and stayed at the Hotel Some Young Guy.
Next week: One of the guys drops dead, and Bentley returns???
Monday, 13 June 2011
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