As these things kept popping up on screen, I started taking pictures of them. At first, it was just going to be one. But then there was another insane shot, and another, and another. So here are some photos I took from my TV.
First up, I've written extensively about Taylor Lautner's pig nose. And the fact that he's quite obviously gay. When Robert Pattinson and Kristen "I'm so dark and interesting" Stewart won for Best Kiss, Pattinson went over and kissed Lautner. I'm sure he was in heaven.
But that's when I noticed something. The nose had distracted me from his crazy neck:
And by the way, Robert Pattinson has a giant head. I don't understand how he is labeled handsome. If you swapped his head with Peter Dinklage's head, no one would notice.
Then host Jason Sudeikis was doing some bit on the piano that I wasn't paying attention to, and he referred to Brooklyn Decker.
The camera cut to a shot of some unattractive lady laughing, and I was like, where is Brooklyn Decker? And to my horror, I realized, that is Brooklyn Decker!
What the hell happened? When you remove her boobs from the equation, a stark reality emerges.
Then of course, there was the Beebs. Justin Bieber. I realize that the "Justin Bieber looks like a lesbian" thing has been said. But let me tell you something, my mom was a women's basketball coach. I had to go to a lot of games. I sat in the stands with a lot of lesbians. So I'm a pretty good expert on the lesbian look.
And Justin Bieber looks like every woman in the stands at a Stanford women's basketball game. It's uncanny:
That blazer is a terrible idea. I'm pretty sure I saw him on ESPN2 coaching the Lady Techsters.And finally, there's my girl Chelsea Handler. Holy shit. How old does she say she is again? Cause if it's anything less than 50 I'm not buying.
Hello, Chelsea? It's me, old face.
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