One Other Depressing Thing About Going Back to College

I had a good time in college. I wouldn't say I had a life altering, amazing time. A lot of that was due to my difficulties with the ladies. It wasn't until later that I became the Clooney type I am today.

And when I went back a couple weeks ago I realized the real problem: I was born too early.

I didn't have a cell phone in college, and I don't remember anyone having one. It was only after I moved to LA that I got my Motorola Startac.

In school, email was just starting to be a thing. There certainly was no social media. Texting was years away.

How did we live? I have no idea how things happened. There's certainly no way we could've produced the show we did without facebook, twitter, and most of all, texting. Everything was done through that shit. Without it, we would've had to have been there a month instead of a week.

I realized that if any of that stuff existed when I was in school, it would've been a completely different experience. There are obvious reasons for this, but the most important one is that on the phone, I am a God Damn retard. But I am a texting savant.

A world in which I don't have to call girls, just write funny things to them? Yeah, I'll take that. That's my strength, people! Talking on the phone is my biggest liability, and that's how I used to have to operate in the pussy trade.

It's like Cyrano De Bergerac, on the phone I'm the dude with the big nose. Through text, no one is the wiser.

Clearly, I was born into the wrong era. When I told the 20 year old assholes I work with that paper and pen were needed to get phone numbers in my day, they looked at me like a fucking caveman, or even worse, the old man that I really am.

It's all texting now. Whenever you see a girl buried in her phone typing something out, and you see it every second of every day, they are engaged in some stupid conversation with a guy who doesn't deserve to be talking to them who is trying to fuck them. And it's working.

My cousin just started college, and he's my Facebook friend. Every day I see all the new "friends" he's made at school, and they are all smoking hot chicks. I want to fly out there and punch him in the scrotum. It's not fair. He's not cool at all, that shouldn't be happening. If it was 1995 he'd be as miserable as I was. But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, he's Sean Parker.

So to sum up, I'm a grumpy old man and I hate every one.

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The New Real World, Featuring "The Beast"

The new Real World started tonight. They're in San Diego. That's how long this show has been on, they've been to San Diego twice. But it's a totally different part of San Diego!

This always brings up the question: why do people even live in cities where the Real World refuses to go? They'll hit New York or Chicago 10 times before we see a Real World Cleveland.

As you know, I'm a bit of a Real World buff. I've seen every season (except for that gay one in Brooklyn that we don't count as a real season because they refused to cast any attractive straight people that I could live vicariously through. Don't forget your straight audience, assholes). And lately, very quietly, things have been pretty great. Casting that guy who never wore a shirt and used to do gay porn really breathed new life into the franchise.

Also, it has exposed the weakness of Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore is basically the same show except with fake Italians and a cast of roommates that never changes. However, The Real World has a different cast each time. So while Jersey Shore features the same shit - Ronnie and Sammie fighting, Snookie's pussy - every episode, The Real World allows us to see different people fighting and different people's pussies. It refreshes itself, and that is a good thing.

And there's another thing that makes The Real World especially fun to watch these days: The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. We know that after the season ends, some of these people will be graduating to The Challenge. So it's like watching college basketball, and imagining who will go on to dominate the pros.

Well, it just so happens that this season of The Real World features the equivalent of Magic Johnson at Michigan St., Michael Jordan at North Carolina, or Lebron James in high school. I think his name is Zach, but I just call him, The Beast.

The Beast is, quite literally, a beast. He's enormous. Maybe 6'4", 225 pounds. He's an ex football player, with the body of an Adonis. Oh, and one other thing, he's as handsome as the day is long.

Who the hell is this guy? Where did he come from? Why don't they always cast people like this if they're available? The man is beautiful. He's like Tom Brady, but with abs of steel and a better taste in women.

In short, I love The Beast.

But now I want this show to hurry up and be over so I can see him on The Challenge. We've all dreamed of a future CT vs. Ronnie smackdown, but this might offer us something even better.

Obviously, CT is the clear favorite, because of his resume and also his inability to reason. But we've got a whole season to watch and analyze The Beast, and who knows, he may prove to be a formidable foe. I look forward to finding out.

There's another guy on this new season who might actually equal CT in insanity. Unfortunately, he's not built like The Beast. If there was only a way to combine his mental illness with The Beast's size and beauty. But I guess God already did that, and he called him CT.

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Darn It, Forgot Another One

I really let you guys down. There's another new show I forgot, and it premiered this week instead of last. It's a comedy on ABC called Suburgatory, and despite that title, it is actually very good.

It fits my qualifications of not trying too hard, and limiting the wackiness. Check it out.

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2011 TV Show Guide UPDATE

A Bachelor/Bachelor Pad free Monday? What am I supposed to do with myself now?

Well, after writing about what I planned to watch last week, I figured I'd write about what I actually watched.

THE GOOD

REVENGE

Not sure how I forgot to mention this since it was on my list. Unfortunately, I left my Fall TV Preview edition of Entertainment Weekly on the plane and that rocked my world.

Regardless, it's a new show on ABC. Very weird pilot. In some ways, it almost not suitable for broadcast. I've never seen green screen shots look so fake and awful. It seemed like a presentation for execs only rather than a real TV show.

And then I saw the credits and realized that it was directed by Philip Noyce, who is a big time feature director. Not sure why he mailed it in, maybe he thought that a show about a girl getting revenge couldn't possibly last for more than one episode.

But it was saved by the story. Mike Kelley created the show, and he did one of my long forgotten - and canceled after 1 season - favorites, "Swingtown". He knows what he's doing. And the pilot was well constructed and interesting. I'm on board, for now.

One other interesting thing about this show: Madeleine Stowe. Where has she been? I guess her and her husband Brian Benben quit Hollywood or something and now she's back. And the crazy thing is: she looks exactly the same. She may have had her head frozen somewhere, cause it hasn't aged. Not sure the same is true for Benben, we'll have to wait for the Dream On remake.

Oh, and there's another actor who I love who I haven't seen in a million years: Henry Czerny. He got hot about 10 years ago as a bad guy, and he was a great one. You may remember him from Clear and Present Danger (directed by Phillip Noyce!) and the first Mission Impossible. He's awesome, great to see him on TV.

One problem with this show: the lead girl is not hot enough. I don't say that simply for boner reasons, I say it because it is a factor in the plot.

UP ALL NIGHT

In fairness, I did not see the pilot, and I know a lot of people didn't like it. I saw the second episode, and while I didn't think it was that great, the show has potential.

A possible factor in the pilot not being good: they reshot it and changed the jobs of Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph's characters. Maybe that hurt things.

I liked the tone of the show, especially when you compare it to Wil Arnett's last piece of garbage, Running Wilde. In this one, there isn't so much forced wackiness. It seems like he and Applegate are just relaxed and enjoying each other. Maybe they've produced so much crap in the past they've finally reached "who gives a fuck?" stage. Seriously, one more failed series and they're entering Christian Slater/Eliza Dushku territory.

I have hope.

PAN AM

I guess I'm a sucker for soap operas. Here's another one where I don't see how this is a series. But I really don't see how this is a series. Every episode stuck in a plane? That doesn't seem like a good idea.

The pilot was solid though. Professional. In contrast to Revenge, the lead girl in this is freaking beautiful. And the guy pilot is good too. And Christina Ricci's giant forehead plays the part of the runway.

However, the flight attendants as spy thing seems awful, but what else is there to do? It's a show about flight attendants!


THE MERELY OKAY

THE PLAYBOY CLUB

Everyone hated on this show and I expected the worst. It's not that bad. It's not good either, but it's no Charlie's Angels, that's for sure. Compared to Charlie's Angels this is Mad Men.

This one is sorta like Pan Am where it's like, okay, interesting era, interesting occupation, but what's the show? I don't think they know what it is.

Case in point: the plot of the pilot episode was essentially the same as the murder/cover up plot that they did in Friday Night Lights when every fan cried foul because it was such a terrible idea. And that story was the pilot of Playboy Club! They have nothing.

But I will watch episode 2.

TERRA NOVA

This was 2 hours, with way more dinosaur action than I expected. I thought that was just going to be on the periphery, but it was like watching God Damn Jurassic Park.

This thing has a giant budget, and it's fun to look at. How can you even really compare it to anything else? But is it an awesome show? Not yet.

It's trying to be Lost with a little bit of Walking Dead (dinosaurs = zombies) mixed in, and it's neither. But maybe it can improve.


THE GOD AWFUL

CHARLIE'S ANGELS

Holy shit. What the hell? I mean, really.

This is easily the worst show I watched. It is so bad. And after the meetings I've been on recently, with seemingly very smart people, you wonder how a piece of shit like this gets through the system. I guess when you have a built in audience with a title, you don't have to earn all the things that original idea shows do.

Poor Minka. Oh, Minka. Sadly, I realize now that Minka absolutely cannot act. The genius of Friday Night Lights, and her boobs, made her look good. But this show exposes all that is wrong with her.

And the other Angels aren't cute! How do you get that wrong?

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It's Spreading

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Last Week

MONDAY

5:30am. Wake up. I haven't woken up before 9 in years. Not a great start to the week, but I had a plane to Arizona to catch.

So I get to the airport an hour before the plane is supposed to take off. I start to go up the escalator to security, and the fat black lady who works there says "you gotta check yo bag". And I'm like, "what?". "You gotta check yo bag".

I tell her that I've flown a million times with this bag and I've never had to check it in. She says "put it in the thing and we'll see". And I put my bag in the thing that measures if a bag is small enough to be a carry on. It fits in.

"See, the wheels are sticking out. You gotta check yo bag".

Finally, I give in. And then I have to wait in the long ass check your bags in line. I'm starting to freak out. If I miss this plane, I will never hear the end of it.

After I get it checked, I head past that bitch to the security line. I get through and begin my search for Gate 44G. It turns out, Gate 44G is not in my terminal. You have to go down an escalator and outside, where a little bus comes every 5 minutes to take you to 44G.

I wait.

The bus comes, and we proceed to drive ON THE RUNWAY. We hit a million stop signs where we have to wait for giant airplanes to pass through. Apparently, when you're on a runway, airplanes always have the right of way. It didn't say that in my driver's test.

And the thing that's driving me the most crazy: everyone on this bus has no urgency whatsoever. They could give a shit. I'm the only one who is jumping out of my skin. A guy looks at me and smiles, just sort of shrugging his shoulders like, "what can you do?" I'll tell you what I can do, I can never not fly Southwest ever again.

We get to 44G. It's a tiny outpost of a building about a mile away from the normal terminals. Boarding has started. There is no airway thingy, we have to walk outside and walk up some stairs to the plane like it's 19 fucking 65. I start to consider the possibility that I've been sucked into my TV and in the second episode of Pan Am.

My seat is 16A. I think this is a first class, or at least, business class seat. I get in the plane, and it's so tiny that 16A is the last row of the plane. And it's A because there is only a single row of seats. There is no B.

A second fat black lady is the lone flight attendant. She might be the same black lady from earlier. Every time she walks by my seat, her ass catches me in the back of my head.

We take off and I swear to God our cruising altitude was not more than 5,000 feet.

9:30am. Arrive in Arizona and go immediately into a production meeting. Just about everyone got there before me and I walk in as they are already going through things. Not a good feeling.

10:30am. We go to campus to shoot some bits. It's weird being back. Mostly because it's almost exactly the same, except now I'm 35 years old, over weight and sad.

The day goes well. The kids seem happy that we are there, and the bits go as planned.

5pm. We decided to do a twitter bit where Daniel announces where he is going to be on campus and he will give people who show up an opportunity to talk to him.

A mob scene ensues. After an hour of some great stuff, it's time to go. But how do you leave a bunch of waiting, eager college students?

You run for your life.

8:30pm. We finally finish shooting some other bits.

9:30pm. Eat dinner.

11:00pm. Get back to my hotel room and look over some stuff that's been edited and give notes.

11:30 Receive word about the Bachelor Pad results. Apologize to you guys for missing it in a blog post.

12:00am. Pass out.

TUESDAY

9:00am. Arrive on a location off campus to shoot another bit, involving a cast of thousands. Well, a cast of twenties, at least.

It's a complicated stunt and it takes a few tries to figure it out. Eventually, we have success and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But only because no one died, which easily could've happened.

11:00am. Get back to hotel and go into our make shift writer's room. Pitch jokes to fill holes in the show.

Some people go out on another shoot, while me and others stay behind to work on the script. Things are starting to get intense.

5:00pm. Arrive at a bar to shoot another bit. It's getting difficult to be around so many hot 20 year olds. Luckily I have my own room to masturbate in later.

7:00pm. Get back into writer's room and go over the script again.

8:30pm. Fancy dinner. We eat at a place in downtown Phoenix that Oprah has given her stamp of approval. And dammit, Oprah is right. It's places like this that make it impossible for Oprah to maintain a reasonable weight.

11:00pm. I finally return to the spot of many a glorious night...Mill Avenue! Unfortunately, on this night it is dead. I think maybe the kids don't go down here to party anymore. Is it possible that things could've changed after 14 years?

I get a cocktail and avoid taking shots as best as possible. It just isn't the same. With two more brutal days ahead, I head in for the night.

WEDNESDAY

8:00am. Shoot our last bit. It's in a classroom, a classroom I once had for my Human Sexuality class. Those were good times...except when we had to watch that birthing video.

Get Jamba Juice. Berry Lime Sublimes taste the same everywhere. The American dream is real, and it is chain food establishments.

9:30am. Back to our hotel room and the post production room. Edit all the bits we've shot in the last couple of days. (NOTE: In every case, I'm not doing any of this by myself, everyone is involved and pitching in. I am just one of the worker bees)

12pm Eat a horrible lunch. I hate sandwiches, that makes lunch very difficult on me. I barely eat at all, which was stupid because I didn't get another bite of food for 10 hours. I definitely would've bit the bullet, or rather, the gross sandwich if I had known.

4pm. Head to the theater for rehearsal. It is ugly on the outside, old on the inside, but huge and impressive. This is gonna be insane. The giant screens look great, and the green screen looks exactly like the one back home.

Complicating matters: we are doing our first ever LIVE redemption. It's a big production, bigger than anything we've ever done. And anytime you try something you've never done, it must be gone over in mind numbing, tedious fashion.

8:30pm. Rehearsal has no ending in sight, so I have to sneak out for an interview with the ASU newspaper.

This is my triumphant return to the school. I used to walk around here anonymously, and now they are asking me about my "career". Unfortunately, I can't soak it in because rehearsals are still going on and I'm nervous and full of adrenaline and talk a million miles a minute. I might've said something racist, I barely remember. But they couldn't have gotten anything good out of me.

You know how the best revenge is living well? Yeah, I'd rather have fucked the hot girls while I went to school here instead.

9:30pm. Rehearsal comes to a merciful ending.

10pm. Dinner near the hotel with most of the staff. At last, another meal, and I take down a steak and 3 ears of corn.

1am. The previous day, we were told about a big house party, called the Rage Castle. We loved that name, Rage Castle. It became the joke of the week. We had to go.

We gather the troops and head over, and it is a complete bust. No one is there. We find out in a tweet the next day that the rage castle was moved "to Tommy's house last minute". Bummer. Fucking Tommy.

THURSDAY

8am. Back in post production to put the finishing touches on the edited pieces. It's a grind.

11am. Head to the theater for rehearsals.

1pm. Walk to the ol' Memorial Union for a quick bite. I am reminded of the old days as I see a hot girl at the downstairs Burger King. I don't talk to her and avoid eye contact just as I did when I was 19. Those were good times.

2pm. More rehearsals. It's coming together. Especially the live redemption, we might actually pull it off.

A huge line is forming. Everyone is excited. The end is in sight.

8pm. The first show goes off without a hitch. Then that crowd exits, and we load a second crowd in.

10pm. The second show goes even better with a drunken, raucous crowd. And they love it. It's like Showtime at the Apollo with inebriated white people.

11pm. It's over. We did it.

Oh, except for one thing...

Midnight. We drive home. From Tempe to Los Angeles. 6 hours. Well, it would've been until we discover that the freeway IS CLOSED in Phoenix. We're stuck for an hour, before getting off and getting on down the road.

I have my first ever mental breakdown, and almost get out of the car and roll my non-fitting on American Airlines suitcase down the freeway back to ASU.

6:30am. Arrive home. Go to sleep.

1:30pm. Go back to the office to work on next week's show. Ah, the circle of life.

7pm. Go home. It's time to relax...by writing a bunch of blog posts.

And tonight at 10pm on Comedy Central, you will see the fruits of all my labor. Here's a preview.

Tosh.0
Get More: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

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A Week Later, I Watch the Bachelor Pad Finale

Because this is old news now, I'm calling this a half recap, a "half-cap".

The four remaining couples - Holly & Michael, Vienna & Kasey, Michelle & Graham, and Ella & Kirk - go to Vegas. They have to perform a challenge that involves dancing on a wall. The couple that comes in last gets eliminated.

This makes no sense. After all these weeks it comes down to a weird wall thing that no normal person has ever done before? Wouldn't it make more sense to do the newlywed game here? As a test of who is the best couple? Now all of the sudden it's like the fucking Olympics? Bizarre. It's like if the winner of American Idol was decided by the person who could throw a 90 mph fastball. It's not Cirque Du Soleil Pad!

I guess they'll just make up anything to get these idiots to Vegas. A Cirque Du Soleil show is involved in every iteration of the Bachelor franchise. It's almost like the Bachelor Copter at this point.

The "judges" for this made up competition that has nothing to do with anything but will nevertheless be a deciding factor in the show, are (huge surprise!) Trista, Jason Mesnick, and Ali. Holy shit. Trista and Jason only make appearances on this show and do nothing else. So embarrassing. She had more dignity when she was an NBA cheerleader giving hand jobs to Tim Hardaway.

And also? These are the judges! Hardly nonbiased. And what the hell do they know about this wall dance? This whole show is rigged! They're making a mockery of the Pad.

This is really, really awful.

In the early episodes, they had the kissing contest, that one where they had to hold onto each other the longest...those were interesting. This is nothing. It means nothing, it looks like nothing. What the hell happened? They ran out of ideas after episode 2? You mean to tell me the people who produce this show aren't creative geniuses? I don't believe it.

Damn, Ella's gotta big lower half. That's why it's been confusing how no guy on these shows ever likes her. We never got a look at that trunk. It ain't pretty. See, and Holly, she has a great lower half. You can't underestimate this factor. TV is only showing us half the story with these bitches.

Oh my God, the judges have the nerve to tell these people what things they could've done to improve their "performance". Shut the hell up. THIS IS NOT A REAL THING and you know nothing about it anyway.

Michael and Holly win. Ella and Kirk go home. Why? Because they're not good at dancing on a wall. This show is supposed to be about horny half naked morons in a house, not who makes the best air dancing troupe.

Oh wait, this just got even better. Now Michael and Holly, because they won, get to pick the couple to go against in the final, and eliminate the other couple. So the wall dancing effectively eliminated TWO couples. What was all this strategy for? They should've been working on their dance steps 50 feet in the air.

Who are Michael and Holly gonna choose? Well, the smart pick is Kasey and Vienna, because who would vote for them? But since they are butt buddies with Graham and Michelle, of course it's gonna be them.

Kasey and Vienna got screwed because they finished second, according a panel of Ali, Jason, and Trista. Did anyone think this through at all?

Makes me sick watching Graham Bunnz make a speech about friendship over money, when he's the guy who sold everyone out to Kasey in the beginning. Shut up. And you're not a professional basketball player and you never were and you're totally losing your looks.

No big surprise, Michael and Holly don't choose Kasey and Vienna. I hate being on their side, but I have to be, because this is some stupid shit. They played it well the whole time, only to have it be undone by choreography.

PART II

Everyone from the Pad is reunited live on stage. And first things first, Chris starts questioning Ames and Jackie. Are they still together? Ha ha ha. Yeah, they're together like Julia Roberts and Rupert Everett in "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Jackie is confused. She was blindsided. She didn't get out of bed for a week. Hey, in fairness, neither did Ames. But he was in bed with a young Thai boy at the time.

I still got it.

Gia with the horrible bangs and hair color. She must go to Ashley's guy.

It's weird, Vienna had a nose job but she looks exactly the same. Yet her profile is a little different, a little better. But straight on, she's the same old frightening to look at Vienna.

The audience is just openly booing and hissing Vienna. Enjoyable. Maybe Jake did accomplish his goal, he is now off the hook. He's still gay as shit and a dork, but off the hook nonetheless.

Kasey issues an apology to Jake and says, "clearly there are two sides to every story". A clear recognition that he now understands that girlfriend is a psychopath.

Finally, the real moment America's been really waiting for: after showing some clips where Justin "Rated R" makes fun of Kasey's voice, Kasey says he doesn't like to talk about it, but he has a speech impediment. Chris jumps on this, obviously dying to finally discuss it. "You have a speech impediment?" But Kasey doesn't give any more info. There you go, everyone, he's not deaf. And he's not a blood relative to a frog. He has a made up speech problem.

Kasey is not proud of his performance on the show. In particular, how Vienna treated him. This is interesting, because I have an inside scoop: my friend spotted Kasey and Vienna in Santa Monica last night and they were holding hands and together and happy as can be. So I guess he realized he can't do any better. I still say he should go for a hot deaf girl who can't tell the difference.

William has spoken more on here than he did the entire season.

Blake has more makeup and product on his face than Erica. Scary. Have you ever seen a dentist like this? My dentist is a 60 year old Jew.

Blake calls not taking Melissa on the date to Mammoth "the best decision I've ever made". Well, he was talking about taking Holly, but Chris made it sound like it was a burn on Melissa.

And Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together in South Carolina. Everyone there looks depressed with jealousy. Why can't it be them? Cause you're all damaged goods with plastic surgery and failed careers.

Then there's a filmed bit where we see Blake propose to Holly. So fake and weird. Why did they do this? Just say what happened, filming it makes it seem completely retarded. It almost feels like The Bachelor wants to take credit for this. Like, we may have some failures, but Blake and Holly is a success story that we produced!

The final 2 couples come out. And they pretend that Michael is just finding out that Holly and Blake got engaged. There's all kinds of prompted audience shots of looks of surprise. It's really bad. Michael has to act, and this whole show is going down in flames. They keep trying to make things more dramatic, but the realness is good enough.

Okay, seeing Ella post op for the first time. Taking it in. Yikes. Crazy lips. Crazy boobs. Everything seems bigger. It's like looking at her through a magnifying glass. A magnifying glass that makes things bigger and uglier.

Graham is wearing a bow tie. Even worse, he's still with Michelle.

Michelle breaks down about her dad dying. Is that just a ploy for the cash?

The funniest part on the show, the couples beg for votes and explain why they "deserve" the money. They talk about what they brought to the challenges. Yeah, kissing someone with a blindfold on took talent! That deserves a cash reward!

Everyone ignores the fact that Michelle's dad died of a horrible bone cancer and instead vote for Holly and Michael. And now they have to do that thing where they each write down either "share" or "keep". If they both pick "share", they share the money. If they both pick "keep", they don't get anything and it's split amongst the housemates. If one person picks share and the other picks "keep", the one who picked "keep" gets all the money. Get it?

Now, they knew this was coming because they did the same thing last year. So my theory is that they did this whole fake engagement bullshit to make it seem like there's a chance Michael will choose "keep". That's the only explanation and definitely what happened.

No surprise, they both choose share. All ends well. Except for with Michael, who will now die sad and alone with only his money and what's left of his hair to comfort him.

And then they bring out stupid, boring Ben F., the next Bachelor. And America turns the channel.

Sorry it was so late, goodnight!

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I Finally Admit I Was Wrong About Bangs

Ashley has never looked more beautiful.

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2011 TV Show Guide

It's a tradition like no other: every September I look through what I plan to watch as the new TV season starts. Usually, 70% of those plans fall through due to cancellation (rip Smith), disinterest (Hawaii Five-0), or Zooey Deschanel (New Girl).

But alas, we do it anyway. Every year there's renewed hope that somewhere among these offerings is a "Lost" or a "Boardwalk Empire" or anything on CBS I'd be willing to watch for more than 2 seconds.

Before we get started, one thing should be noted: I realized last year that I cannot watch procedurals. I tried Hawaii Five-0, and while I respect it, a "monster a week" format just does not interest me. It's essentially the same episode every time. I need arcs!

Without further ado, this is the 2011 Irwin Handleman TV Show Guide. Let's begin!

SUNDAY

Sunday is by far the strangest day of the week for my TV viewing. The reason: HBO. It doesn't follow the traditional schedule for programming shows. Thus, some times during the year Sunday is the greatest night on TV, and other times, it's weak. Also, football. Sunday night football is a staple in the Handleman household, as is 60 Minutes. So what else is there?

RETURNING SHOWS

THE AMAZING RACE

Ever since my buddy Victor won this show, I've been a regular viewer. It's all right. I'm not a rabid fan, but it's not a bad way to spend 40 minutes (it must be watched with the ability to fast forward) while eating some of my traditional Sunday night barbecue.

BOARDWALK EMPIRE

I fucking love this show. Many people bailed on it because it started slow. But trust me, it got good. Really good. Let's hope the 2nd season continues the momentum that was building last year.

THE NEW GUY

PAN AM

A very interesting development this year is the big networks trying to rip off Mad Men. There are a few period dramas where there were none before. I guess they're not understanding that Mad Men gets shitty ratings. No one watches that show. But hey, Entertainment Weekly talks about it so it must be a hit! And how can middle America not jump on board a show about stewardesses in the early '60's?

The show is based on a real stewardess and her experience back in the 1960's. Historical events, like the JFK assassination will play apart in the character's lives. Gee, sounds familiar.

But I will give it a shot.

WHAT I DON'T WATCH BUT PROBABLY SHOULD

THE GOOD WIFE

I guess this show moved time slots, because I know it used to be Tosh.0's competition. We used to always scheme on how to take down that God Damn Julianna Margulies. But now, it's on Sundays.

I was kind of excited about this show when it started, but I watched the pilot and 2nd episode and wasn't impressed. However, it has gotten really good and people rave about it. I think Six, the handicapped quarterback from Friday Night Lights showed up and things got interesting.

Still, I'm not watching it. It's Sunday! There's too much to do.

THE SUNDAY MIND BLOWER

Desperate Housewives is still on the air.

MONDAY

Monday Night Football has always made this a difficult night for half the year.

RETURNING SHOWS

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER/2 AND A HALF MEN/HAWAII FIVE-0/DANCING WITH THE STARS/HOUSE/CASTLE

I don't watch any of these shows, and I'm pretty proud of it.

THE NEW GUYS

TERRA NOVA

This is our "Lost" hopeful of the season. There's always one. Spielberg is involved. So is time travel, dinosaurs, and that scary older guy from Avatar.

It's about a group of people from the future who go back in time to escape overpopulation and a polluted world to start over in the age of dinosaurs. That's a tough premise to pull off on network TV.

This show would probably be the most hyped of the season if it weren't for one thing: a plagued production. A lot has gone wrong in the making of this show, and it's got the label of "bomb" that it can't escape. But hey, so did Titanic and, well, Avatar, and those did okay.

I will be watching this. I want to see if they can pull it off, and how this can be a weekly show on Fox.

THE PLAYBOY CLUB

The other Mad Men show. I have no idea why everyone is hating on it. I'm a sucker for this genre shit, and I will be giving it a shot, Eddie Cibrian be damned!

THE NEW GUYS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

HART OF DIXIE

Summer from the OC paired up with the creator of the OC? Sounds like a CW's executive dream team! Unfortunately, it's not 2004 anymore, bitch. And Josh Schwartz can blow me.

2 BROKE GIRLS

This is a sitcom that people seem to be high on. It's from the famed writing duo of Michael Patrick King (the Sex and the City guy) and Whitney Cummings. I'll get to Whitney in a bit. But I won't be watching cause it's a comedy on CBS.

THE MONDAY MIND BLOWER

More people want to watch George Clooney's girlfriend ballroom dance than watch just about anything else on TV.

TUESDAY

Tuesday is bleak, people. Well, except for one shining beacon of light. A ray of hope in comedy. An unstoppable force of nut shots and puke.

RETURNING SHOWS

Tosh.0.

THE NEW GUYS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

NEW GIRL

Zooey Deschanel. Enough said.

LAST MAN STANDING

Tim Allen is back! Too bad it's not 1998. And have you seen a rerun of Home Improvement lately? Yikes. That show didn't even hold up while it was still on the air.

This was one of the worst pilot scripts of the year.

MAN UP

ABC has devoted a comedy block to this and Tim Allen's show. Look everyone, it's men who are pussies! I don't know much about this one, but it's about three 30 something guys who have trouble being real men...or something.

UNFORGETTABLE

I'm so bummed they didn't stick with their original title, "The Rememberer". That was my favorite title of the year, possibly of all time. Finally, a show that needs Marilu Henner as a consultant.

WHAT I DON'T WATCH BUT PROBABLY SHOULD

PARENTHOOD

I've heard this is good, and it's by the guy who did Friday Night Lights. I just never got into it.

THE TUESDAY MIND BLOWER

Sara Michelle Gellar is still alive.

WEDNESDAY

RETURNING SHOWS

MODERN FAMILY

This is more of a polarizing show than people think. Some people love it. And the people that love it make the people that don't like it, hate it even more. I'm fine with it, though I don't watch it regularly. And it bothers me that they use the same mockumentary crutch that is used on The Office and Parks and Rec. Those gay guys are good, but I hate that Mexican kid.

THE NEW GUYS

UP ALL NIGHT

Christina Applegate? Okay. Wil Arnett? Sweet! What could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, their previous attempts at sitcoms.

I've heard good things though, and I'm giving this one a chance.

THE NEW GUYS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

FREE AGENTS

Hank Azaria and that funny lady from Step Brothers star in an adaptation of a British show. Doesn't look good.

THE X FACTOR

Pretty shrewd move by Fox. "We love American Idol, but it's only on for half the year. Let's just do another American Idol and call it something else. Genius!" No thank you.

THE WEDNESDAY MIND BLOWER

The show H8R is "from the mind of Mario Lopez..."

THURSDAY

RETURNING SHOWS

30 ROCK/THE OFFICE

I find these shows pretty much unwatchable these days. 30 Rock in particular. It's just a joke factory with no backbone, no believability, and nothing to come back for.

The choice of James Spader to replace Carell on The Office was pretty bold, and pretty great. Maybe it can be "Kirstie Alleyed".

PARKS AND REC/COMMUNITY

"Hip" people tell me that these are the funniest shows on TV. If that's the case, then we are in deep shit.

It's very interesting that the host of The Soup, Joel Mchale, would end up on a sitcom that exists only to make pop cultural references. There is probably more of an ongoing plot of The Soup than Community.

And Parks and Rec has really funny people on it and is okay. I'm not a regular viewer, but I enjoy Adam Scott and Poehler. But again: mockumentary crutch and too much 30 Rock style wackiness.

THE NEW GUYS I WANT TO CARE ABOUT BUT CAN'T BECAUSE THEY ARE PROCEDURALS

PERSON OF INTEREST

This is from some of the people who did "Lost", and stars Ben Linus and the guy who played Jesus. The premise is like Minority Report. Might be good, but it's a different bad guy every week type of show.

PRIME SUSPECT

I love Maria Bello. Unfortunately, it's a procedural too.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS

I really love Minka Kelly, but for different reasons. This show is going to be awful, and we all know it. But at least Minka is single again!

THE SHOW I WANT TO MAKE FUN OF BUT CAN'T BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS WRITING ON IT AND I HAVE TO ROOT FOR IT EVEN THOUGH THE COMMERCIALS MAKE THAT REALLY HARD

WHITNEY

Oh, Whitney. This is a tough one. Let's be honest, the commercials and advertising for this show are brutal. Isn't marketing supposed to help matters? It's doing the opposite.

NBC is clearly super high on this show, and yet everyone else who sees snippets of it hates its guts. Why the disparity? Are they overestimating Whitney's appeal? Is it secretly awesome when you watch the entire thing? We'll have to wait to find out.

The thing is though, I've learned you can't always trust a pilot. It's such a flawed process. The NBC executives are chiming in with a million notes. Everything is scrutinized way too much. But now they have an amazing writing staff and a little bit of freedom to make the show they want to make. Not a show that is designed to "test well".

Here's my beef with Whitney Cummings though, which has nothing to do with this show in particular but involves plenty of bitterness:

Whitney Cummings has 2 sitcoms on the air. This one (which she stars in and 2 Broke Girls, which she is producing). She also has a talk show in development at E! Now that's fine, I'm not a hater. That's wonderful. But here's what I do have a problem with:

She is an executive producer on all 3 shows. An executive producer! It would be one thing if someone had developed a show, and then chosen her to be the star. That would've been great and totally understandable. But no. These networks are choosing her to executive produce these shows, to be responsible for their quality.

What track record does she have? Who is she to be an EP? She's never been on a show in her life, much less been a writer or a producer on one. Oh, she told a couple of roast jokes? That qualifies her to be the next Chuck Lorre or Greg Daniels? Then Lisa Lampenelli must be Aaron fucking Spelling!

The fact is, I have a better track record than Whitney does at making a successful show. So do a million other writers. This doesn't make sense. She doesn't know what she is doing. She is a stand up comedian, she is not a show runner. I am angry.

But anyway, good luck with your show! I hope it's a giant success! And the crazy part is, because of my buddy, I actually mean that.

THE THURSDAY MIND BLOWER

The amount of current starring cast members on Grey's Anatomy right now. There were less performers in Cats.

FRIDAY

THE ONLY SHOW ON FRIDAY THAT MATTERS

SHARK TANK!!!

SATURDAY

TV takes the night off.

THE SHOW I'M MOST EXCITED ABOUT

HOMELAND (it's on Showtime)

It stars Claire Danes and Damian Lewis, and is about an Iraq POW who everyone thought was dead, who comes back as a hero but might've been turned into a terrorist. The trailer for this show is amazing.

It premieres on October 2nd.

MIDSEASON SHOWS TO (POSSIBLY NOT) WATCH

AWAKE

This was the best pilot script I read, and it's by the guy who did my favorite show from last year, the ill fated Lone Star. I miss you, Lone Star.

For some reason, they're saving it for midseason. Sadly, it is a procedural. But I will be watching this one to see if they can actually do more than 3 episodes of it without the whole thing falling apart.

WORK IT

Awake was the best, Work It was the worst. This is the show about 2 guys who dress as women in order to be pharmaceutical reps. You read that correctly. Somewhere, Tom Hanks is rolling around in his chin fat.



Enjoy...and let me know your favorites or if I missed anything.

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Buckle Your Seatbelts

Flurry of posts ahead. I'm back.

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ASU Insanity

We're having a great time at ASU this week, it should be a crazy show. The students appear happy to see us. And they expressed it by chasing after Daniel in a frenzied mob.



I had no idea Captain America was a Sun Devil.

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Sorry About the Bachelor Pad Finale

Well, I didn't make it. What can I say? I forgot that in Arizona, prime time starts at 7 and the local news starts at 10. What a retarded, old person state. Fact is, I probably wouldn't have made it anyway. I worked from about 7am to 10:40pm. So I would've had 20 minutes.

But I've heard things...

First of all, and most importantly, Kasey finally acknowledged the frog voice! How brutal is it that this moment, a moment that I've been waiting years for, happened and I missed it? Life just isn't fair.

So he says it's a speech impediment? Is that real? You can have an impediment that makes you sound like a deaf guy? I guess I think of that as more of a stutter type of thing. But okay. When I get back from this trip I'm going to do some heavy research into this.

Second of all, I heard Ella's boobs are gigantic and she looks good. So I guess Erica's dad has his first success story.

Third, Holly and Michael shared the money, but Holly and Blake are engaged, and the engagement thing felt staged and weird. I'm going to have to watch to confirm, but sounds lame. Still, I think they deserve each other, and they did seem genuinely infatuated last week. I'm a believer.

And fourth, Jackie can't figure out why it didn't work out with Ames? Really? You can't put your finger on that one? He had to run off on one of his solo missions to the Far East and you're still drawing a blank?

Okay, that's it. Hopefully I'll get to watch soon. I apologize again.

One last thing: I know it was just 9/11 and everything, but that being said: fuck American Airlines and every fat black lady that works for them. They suck.

Also, being back on my old college campus is depressing. I can't believe I'm this old, and I can't believe I went to school with these maniacs.

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Bachelor Pad Emergency Notice

Well friends, we've got our selves a tough situation. I am going to Arizona tomorrow for the Tosh Campus Invasion. I'll be there all week shooting bits and then taping the episode.

So?

So the Bachelor Pad finale is tomorrow night. All 3 hours of it. And I don't know if I'm going to be able to watch it.

I don't know what to say, it's a tough one. My best guess is I will be able to see the last part of the finale, maybe from 10-11, and I'll do what I can with that. Sorry, my other job pays a little better than my recap duties do.

See you from Arizona tomorrow....

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Society Should Live By These Rules

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Quick Bachelor Pad Update

It's been a brutal week. And not just for me (hope to have updates soon).

People magazine has come out with some big Bachelor Pad bombshells. It appears they have been timed to hype up the finale on Monday. And it's working.

First, they are reporting that Blake and Holly are engaged. That's right, America's sweethearts are finally together forever. Aren't you so happy for them?

Hey, I told you I saw love there. Some of you didn't believe it, you thought Blake was playing "the game". But that dude was glowing when he was around her, no idea why, but he was. And allegedly, it's for real.

The other piece of news is a whole lot worse. It concerns Ella. Our dear, adorable, mom murdered right in front of her, Ella.

Since the show ended, she has met with the true villain of Bachelor Pad. The person who is the most evil on the entire show. I'm not talking about Kasey, I'm not even talking about Vienna, I'm talking about Erica's plastic surgeon father.

Fuck that guy!

Unfortunately, Erica is just coming on these shows to whip up business for her Edward Scissorhands father. And Ella is his latest victim.

She has had 5 surgeries since the show, including her boobs and face. Why? What about just taking care of your kid? Or tracking down the man who shot your mother? Find the real killers, don't find a new face!

So sad. Anyway, we will all see the results of Dr. Giggles' handiwork on Monday. Let's just hope he didn't give her the Erica lip job.

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Luis, The Custodian UPDATE

Last I told you, Luis the Custodian was halting his work to come play in our weekly pickup games. Well, there's been a situation.

Luis joined us again recently. We were playing as usual - he was forgetting who he was supposed to guard and not running up and down the court. But suddenly, we realized that Luis really wasn't trying. In fact, Luis wasn't moving.

We called for him, "Lewis!". But he wouldn't move. It was right in the middle of the game, and yet he wouldn't come play. We've put up with his lack of effort before, but this was ridiculous. And that's when we saw it...

The apartment Manager. He was upstairs where the court is, giving prospective tenants a tour.

And that's why Luis wasn't moving. He was hiding. He had his back to the manager, trying his best not to get seen. I'm not sure if he did get spotted, but our yelling "Lewis! Lewis!" over and over again probably didn't help.

After the manager passed by, Luis just walked off the court without a word and took his garbage can with him. And he hasn't been seen since.

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Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 5

Bachelor Pad, a Labor Day tradition like no other...

If these motherfuckers don't vote off Vienna and Kasey this week, they are as crazy as Melissa's crying face.

After the last vote, Chris comes in to tell them they have to "couple up". Oh, I thought they already had to do that. He hints, "by the way, the person you choose, you might want to get to know them". Thanks to the latest developments in teaser technology, we know that they are going to do the newlywed game tomorrow.

Well, everyone already has a partner, so really it's just Erica and Blake realizing they have no other options. Sorry buddy, Holly's not going with you, I think she knows Michael a little better.

Erica claims that she's much prettier than Holly and "a lot smarter". As a rule, no one with fake lips is prettier than any girl with real lips, that's how anti-fake lip I am.

Kasey says that he and Vienna are going to win easily because "she's my girlfriend, I've known her a long time". Well, not that long. I mean, didn't she break up with Jake on TV not that long ago and cheat on him with like a hundred guys? And then he says "it's so close, I can smell it" then puts two fingers up to his nose and takes a whiff. At least one of his senses works.

The Nearly Wed game begins. First question: how many dates does your partner need before making whoopee?

Kirk guesses 5 for Ella and he's right. And then, in the best moment of tonight's show, Vienna guesses "22". 22!!! What the hell? She is truly bat shit crazy. The correct answer, according to Kasey, is 7. That bitch put out in the fantasy suite for Jake, that was date 2 at most. Date 22, fuck off.

Another question: which part of your body do you think your exes miss the most about you?

Vienna says "boobs", Kasey says "teeth". Ha! Teeth. That's Vienna's best quality, he finally got something right.

If your partner could sleep with one other person in the house, who would that be? Holly answers Blake. Michael holds up his sign, and it says "me/Michael". I don't think he understood the question. But even if it was the question he thought it was, he'd still be wrong.

Who is your partner's least favorite person in the house? Everyone says Blake. Well, except Holly.

How many people has your partner had sex with? Graham says 7. What? That seems like a small number for that dude. I wouldn't be surprised if he had 7 in that house.

How old was your partner when they lost their virginity? Blake says 16 and Erica got it right. Then Kasey says he was 21! Of course he was, and it was with a hooker or a someone who knows sign language. Or Miss Piggy.

Graham announces that he was "7". Ahhh, so that's what going on. Their strategy was if there's a number, they just say 7. Smart. Also, if it's about a guy, they say Mike, and a bunch of other "codes". Dammit, I can't believe they actually thought of that, and neither can the producers.

But on the last question, Michelle forgets the code and blows it. That's the level of intelligence I was expecting. On the tiebreaker though, Blake and Erica miss it and Graham and Michelle get it right. They win. Hooray for cheating.

The Bachelor Copter arrives to take Graham and Michelle on their date to see...Paramount Pictures in association with Dreamworks present the feature film "What's your number?", starring Ana Faris. Graham has heard it's "extremely good". Seamless integration.

Back at the house, Vienna and Kasey get in another fight. They're like the poor man's Sammie and Ronnie, and that's sad. At least Ronnie has the decency to knock people out and be entertaining. Supposedly, Vienna wouldn't have sex with Kasey so he ripped the infamous promise ring off of her finger. I guess he thought that promise involved coitus.

Vienna says "no means no!" So Kasey starts listing all of the people Vienna has banged. Not sure what that proves, but I think he means that if girls have sex with some men, then they have to have sex with all men. Makes sense.

Kasey has to beg Vienna to "snuggle" with him. He says "it's not easy dating her, but I love her". Then they cut to an odd black and white shot of them in bed, Kasey on top of her, and she says "let's just get it over with". This show has taken us from the fantasy suite to the reality suite. And that reality involves sexual assault.

Erica and Blake get to go on a date because they were in 2nd place. Their date card says "your mission is romance". Erica plans to "seduce him", and tells us that she's horny and hopes to end up in the "missionary" position. She's about as subtle as her clown mouth.

It's so funny to watch Blake, who thought he was making all of these moves, end up with Melissa and now Erica. Try to remember, dude, you were rejected by Ashley. Your game is weak, but you can root the hell out of a canal.

They sit down at dinner and discover 2 roses at their table. That would be so awesome if Chris came out and said "you will get these roses and be safe from elimination, but only if you have sex tonight". Now that would be good television.

But no, they get to save another couple from elimination, but not themselves. They think this puts them in a strategic position, but why would it? They are the only ones who are getting eliminated tonight.

I'm enjoying this awkward date. Blake is so uncomfortable. Erica is so proud in her whoredom, and I have to say, I respect it. Don't hide, girl, get yours.

Blake keeps trying to tell her that they should go home, and she keeps saying that they are going to spend the night and "bond". With girls like this, you cannot say it too explicitly.

Erica says "you need to take these pillow lips for a test run". She wouldn't be more blatant if she was holding a giant sign that said "Let me suck your dick!"

Ella is so pretty.

So many good Erica quotes:

"Blake tells me that me telling the girls that I was bringing my sexy lingerie is like if he told the guys he was bringing condoms...and I agree and I wish that he had"

"You're worried about your reputation, and that's annoying"

Erica says that she's not the one who needs to worry about her reputation. She's right, she will be known as a sex crazed, balloon lipped hooker and nothing can change that.

Blake and Erica start spreading the word about their roses. Kasey jumps all over it and says "give us the roses and you will be safe. I guarantee it". Why would they even tell him? Just go behind their backs and turn everyone against them, so stupid!

Then everyone gathers and they announce their decision. They give the roses to...Kasey and Vienna!

What the fuck?!? God dammit, I am so angry right now. Why are these people so dumb? Nothing makes sense. I could give a shit about Kasey's stupid dying grandma, Ella needs to put a roof over her son's head, and Kirk needs the mold removed from his house.

Vienna makes fun of Ella for telling her sob story, and explains that she would never tell her story, and then proceeds to tell her story.

Blake and Holly make out at the house in front of Michael, that's a little rude. But also makes Michael go talk to Graham and cry about it, and talks Graham into voting out Blake. Dumb.

Blake finds out, and goes to Holly and pleads his case, so then she has to go talk Michael into keeping Blake! Yeah, that should go well. "Not only am I banging your arch enemy, I need you to keep him here another week so I can keep banging him". There's a conversation you never think you'll have to have.

I kind of like Blake and Holly as a couple though, they seem like they really like each other.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's all down to Holly, she's the deciding vote because Michael has left it in her hands. Her new boy toy, or single mom Ella and disease ridden Kirk?

And the couple going home is...BLAKE AND ERICA.

Nice job, dick. The Kasey guarantee isn't what you thought it was, huh? Retard.

Next week: the season finale. And I'm guessing it's 3 hours long. That's gonna be my real Labor day. Shit.

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I Wish I Was Smart Enough to Have Written This

A recently retired, and supposedly well respected Republican staffer wrote an amazing piece on the state of politics. I started reading it and getting angry, because I wish I had wrote it. I agree with every word. Especially this:

How do they manage to do this? Because Democrats ceded the field. Above all, they do not understand language. Their initiatives are posed in impenetrable policy-speak: the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. The what? - can anyone even remember it? No wonder the pejorative "Obamacare" won out. Contrast that with the Republicans' Patriot Act. You're a patriot, aren't you? Does anyone at the GED level have a clue what a Stimulus Bill is supposed to be? Why didn't the White House call it the Jobs Bill and keep pounding on that theme?

And this:

The media are also complicit in this phenomenon. Ever since the bifurcation of electronic media into a more or less respectable "hard news" segment and a rabidly ideological talk radio and cable TV political propaganda arm, the "respectable" media have been terrified of any criticism for perceived bias. Hence, they hew to the practice of false evenhandedness. Paul Krugman has skewered this tactic as being the "centrist cop-out." "I joked long ago," he says, "that if one party declared that the earth was flat, the headlines would read 'Views Differ on Shape of Planet.'"

But really, you gotta read the whole thing. You can check it out here.

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