One Other Depressing Thing About Going Back to College

I had a good time in college. I wouldn't say I had a life altering, amazing time. A lot of that was due to my difficulties with the ladies. It wasn't until later that I became the Clooney type I am today.

And when I went back a couple weeks ago I realized the real problem: I was born too early.

I didn't have a cell phone in college, and I don't remember anyone having one. It was only after I moved to LA that I got my Motorola Startac.

In school, email was just starting to be a thing. There certainly was no social media. Texting was years away.

How did we live? I have no idea how things happened. There's certainly no way we could've produced the show we did without facebook, twitter, and most of all, texting. Everything was done through that shit. Without it, we would've had to have been there a month instead of a week.

I realized that if any of that stuff existed when I was in school, it would've been a completely different experience. There are obvious reasons for this, but the most important one is that on the phone, I am a God Damn retard. But I am a texting savant.

A world in which I don't have to call girls, just write funny things to them? Yeah, I'll take that. That's my strength, people! Talking on the phone is my biggest liability, and that's how I used to have to operate in the pussy trade.

It's like Cyrano De Bergerac, on the phone I'm the dude with the big nose. Through text, no one is the wiser.

Clearly, I was born into the wrong era. When I told the 20 year old assholes I work with that paper and pen were needed to get phone numbers in my day, they looked at me like a fucking caveman, or even worse, the old man that I really am.

It's all texting now. Whenever you see a girl buried in her phone typing something out, and you see it every second of every day, they are engaged in some stupid conversation with a guy who doesn't deserve to be talking to them who is trying to fuck them. And it's working.

My cousin just started college, and he's my Facebook friend. Every day I see all the new "friends" he's made at school, and they are all smoking hot chicks. I want to fly out there and punch him in the scrotum. It's not fair. He's not cool at all, that shouldn't be happening. If it was 1995 he'd be as miserable as I was. But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, he's Sean Parker.

So to sum up, I'm a grumpy old man and I hate every one.