A Week Later, I Watch the Bachelor Pad Finale

Because this is old news now, I'm calling this a half recap, a "half-cap".

The four remaining couples - Holly & Michael, Vienna & Kasey, Michelle & Graham, and Ella & Kirk - go to Vegas. They have to perform a challenge that involves dancing on a wall. The couple that comes in last gets eliminated.

This makes no sense. After all these weeks it comes down to a weird wall thing that no normal person has ever done before? Wouldn't it make more sense to do the newlywed game here? As a test of who is the best couple? Now all of the sudden it's like the fucking Olympics? Bizarre. It's like if the winner of American Idol was decided by the person who could throw a 90 mph fastball. It's not Cirque Du Soleil Pad!

I guess they'll just make up anything to get these idiots to Vegas. A Cirque Du Soleil show is involved in every iteration of the Bachelor franchise. It's almost like the Bachelor Copter at this point.

The "judges" for this made up competition that has nothing to do with anything but will nevertheless be a deciding factor in the show, are (huge surprise!) Trista, Jason Mesnick, and Ali. Holy shit. Trista and Jason only make appearances on this show and do nothing else. So embarrassing. She had more dignity when she was an NBA cheerleader giving hand jobs to Tim Hardaway.

And also? These are the judges! Hardly nonbiased. And what the hell do they know about this wall dance? This whole show is rigged! They're making a mockery of the Pad.

This is really, really awful.

In the early episodes, they had the kissing contest, that one where they had to hold onto each other the longest...those were interesting. This is nothing. It means nothing, it looks like nothing. What the hell happened? They ran out of ideas after episode 2? You mean to tell me the people who produce this show aren't creative geniuses? I don't believe it.

Damn, Ella's gotta big lower half. That's why it's been confusing how no guy on these shows ever likes her. We never got a look at that trunk. It ain't pretty. See, and Holly, she has a great lower half. You can't underestimate this factor. TV is only showing us half the story with these bitches.

Oh my God, the judges have the nerve to tell these people what things they could've done to improve their "performance". Shut the hell up. THIS IS NOT A REAL THING and you know nothing about it anyway.

Michael and Holly win. Ella and Kirk go home. Why? Because they're not good at dancing on a wall. This show is supposed to be about horny half naked morons in a house, not who makes the best air dancing troupe.

Oh wait, this just got even better. Now Michael and Holly, because they won, get to pick the couple to go against in the final, and eliminate the other couple. So the wall dancing effectively eliminated TWO couples. What was all this strategy for? They should've been working on their dance steps 50 feet in the air.

Who are Michael and Holly gonna choose? Well, the smart pick is Kasey and Vienna, because who would vote for them? But since they are butt buddies with Graham and Michelle, of course it's gonna be them.

Kasey and Vienna got screwed because they finished second, according a panel of Ali, Jason, and Trista. Did anyone think this through at all?

Makes me sick watching Graham Bunnz make a speech about friendship over money, when he's the guy who sold everyone out to Kasey in the beginning. Shut up. And you're not a professional basketball player and you never were and you're totally losing your looks.

No big surprise, Michael and Holly don't choose Kasey and Vienna. I hate being on their side, but I have to be, because this is some stupid shit. They played it well the whole time, only to have it be undone by choreography.

PART II

Everyone from the Pad is reunited live on stage. And first things first, Chris starts questioning Ames and Jackie. Are they still together? Ha ha ha. Yeah, they're together like Julia Roberts and Rupert Everett in "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Jackie is confused. She was blindsided. She didn't get out of bed for a week. Hey, in fairness, neither did Ames. But he was in bed with a young Thai boy at the time.

I still got it.

Gia with the horrible bangs and hair color. She must go to Ashley's guy.

It's weird, Vienna had a nose job but she looks exactly the same. Yet her profile is a little different, a little better. But straight on, she's the same old frightening to look at Vienna.

The audience is just openly booing and hissing Vienna. Enjoyable. Maybe Jake did accomplish his goal, he is now off the hook. He's still gay as shit and a dork, but off the hook nonetheless.

Kasey issues an apology to Jake and says, "clearly there are two sides to every story". A clear recognition that he now understands that girlfriend is a psychopath.

Finally, the real moment America's been really waiting for: after showing some clips where Justin "Rated R" makes fun of Kasey's voice, Kasey says he doesn't like to talk about it, but he has a speech impediment. Chris jumps on this, obviously dying to finally discuss it. "You have a speech impediment?" But Kasey doesn't give any more info. There you go, everyone, he's not deaf. And he's not a blood relative to a frog. He has a made up speech problem.

Kasey is not proud of his performance on the show. In particular, how Vienna treated him. This is interesting, because I have an inside scoop: my friend spotted Kasey and Vienna in Santa Monica last night and they were holding hands and together and happy as can be. So I guess he realized he can't do any better. I still say he should go for a hot deaf girl who can't tell the difference.

William has spoken more on here than he did the entire season.

Blake has more makeup and product on his face than Erica. Scary. Have you ever seen a dentist like this? My dentist is a 60 year old Jew.

Blake calls not taking Melissa on the date to Mammoth "the best decision I've ever made". Well, he was talking about taking Holly, but Chris made it sound like it was a burn on Melissa.

And Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together in South Carolina. Everyone there looks depressed with jealousy. Why can't it be them? Cause you're all damaged goods with plastic surgery and failed careers.

Then there's a filmed bit where we see Blake propose to Holly. So fake and weird. Why did they do this? Just say what happened, filming it makes it seem completely retarded. It almost feels like The Bachelor wants to take credit for this. Like, we may have some failures, but Blake and Holly is a success story that we produced!

The final 2 couples come out. And they pretend that Michael is just finding out that Holly and Blake got engaged. There's all kinds of prompted audience shots of looks of surprise. It's really bad. Michael has to act, and this whole show is going down in flames. They keep trying to make things more dramatic, but the realness is good enough.

Okay, seeing Ella post op for the first time. Taking it in. Yikes. Crazy lips. Crazy boobs. Everything seems bigger. It's like looking at her through a magnifying glass. A magnifying glass that makes things bigger and uglier.

Graham is wearing a bow tie. Even worse, he's still with Michelle.

Michelle breaks down about her dad dying. Is that just a ploy for the cash?

The funniest part on the show, the couples beg for votes and explain why they "deserve" the money. They talk about what they brought to the challenges. Yeah, kissing someone with a blindfold on took talent! That deserves a cash reward!

Everyone ignores the fact that Michelle's dad died of a horrible bone cancer and instead vote for Holly and Michael. And now they have to do that thing where they each write down either "share" or "keep". If they both pick "share", they share the money. If they both pick "keep", they don't get anything and it's split amongst the housemates. If one person picks share and the other picks "keep", the one who picked "keep" gets all the money. Get it?

Now, they knew this was coming because they did the same thing last year. So my theory is that they did this whole fake engagement bullshit to make it seem like there's a chance Michael will choose "keep". That's the only explanation and definitely what happened.

No surprise, they both choose share. All ends well. Except for with Michael, who will now die sad and alone with only his money and what's left of his hair to comfort him.

And then they bring out stupid, boring Ben F., the next Bachelor. And America turns the channel.

Sorry it was so late, goodnight!