Another Lawyer Show Sells

"Based on the book Motor City Shakedown by Jonathan Wakins, the legal drama centers on ambitious rookie defense lawyer Issabella Bright, who lands her first big case but is forced to team up with Darren Fletcher, a hardened and reckless lawyer who’s fallen from success and now runs his practice out of a booth in a bar. Caron is executive producing with Shepard, Sean Furst and Bryan Furst"

You know, one of those booths at a bar lawyers. 

Read More

An Oral History of Cheers?

An oral history of Cheers!

Read More

I Wonder If Conservatives Still Think Mitt's 47% Line Was a Win

Read More

The Odd Case of "Modern Family"

It's premiere week!...sorta. I think there was a time on TV when all of the new shows would start during the exact same week. It made things kinda cool, cause you knew every night the new shows were starting up. That had to have helped the ratings. Now? It's confusing as shit.

Most of NBC's stuff started a few weeks ago. Some of ABC's stuff is staggered. I don't watch CBS so I have no idea what they're doing. 



But these days this week is about as good as it gets, and it's going to be very interesting to see how the ratings play out. After all of the months of making the pilots and scheduling and hyping, it just takes 30 minutes to kill you off.

The first red flag of the season came last week, actually, when "The Mob Doctor" predictably shit the bed. If you're deeply invested in how that whole thing is going to play out in season 1, you're probably in for a big disappointment. My guess is that sleeping with the fishes is going to be involved.



Last night, it was the CBS comedy "Partners", written by the guys who did "Will & Grace". They've been trying to sell that same show for the last 10 years, and CBS finally bit. And now it bit the dust. Well, not yet. But the ratings last night went 3.6 for "How I Met Your Mother", 2.4 for "Partners", 3.7 for "Two Broke Girls", and a 3.1 for "Mike and Molly".


That means people were actively turning the channel away from CBS when "Partners" came on, and then turning back to CBS the moment it ended. Not good.


And tonight? It's Fox's turn. We'll see how Mindy Kaling's show does along with "Ben and Kate". And we'll also see how the NBC's shows - "Go On" and "The New Normal" - which were given early releases, hold up against the premieres on the other networks.  Should be very interesting, if you're into this sorta thing.



What about "Suburgatory", some of you (my parents) are asking? Well, that's where things get complicated. For a lot of reasons I won't bore you with, it doesn't premiere until October 17th. The main issue is the Presidential debates. ABC is only able to air a couple weeks of new shows on Wednesdays until the debates hit, and then everything goes away for a bit. They decided to hold it until after the debates so it could have a bunch of new episodes in a row. Though I am weary of a late starting date, I am a HUGE fan of having multiple new shows in a row.



It was on at 8:30 last year, 9:30 this year, after "Modern Family". And if you watch the Emmy's, that show did quite well. I think it even won Best Drama, Best Variety Show, and Best Show with Al Bundy, it was that ridiculous.

What makes Modern Family's success that much more amazing is the way in which it gets made.  I don't know of another situation like it and I'd just like to point it out cause it's weird.


The show was created by Steve Levitan and Christopher Lloyd (not Doc from "Back to the Future", a different Christopher Loyd). They wrote together on "Wings" and "Frasier" and other stuff. They are the co-showrunners of "Modern Family".


But here's the thing: now the two of them hate each other's guts.

They refuse to talk to each other. And yet, they are running the most acclaimed comedy on TV together. How does it work? Levitan takes the odd episodes, Lloyd takes the evens.

So when it's an odd episode, Levitan is in charge of all aspects - the writing, editing, etc., and Lloyd has no veto power. Meanwhile, I guess the writers are in the middle of all this like the God Damn Parent Trap. That has to be weird. Some writers probably love one showrunner over the other, it's confusing whose ass you have to kiss!


Supposedly, the feud between the two guys is over creative differences about the show. They got so mad about their opposing visions that they cannot even work together. So my question is this:  does anyone notice a difference?


Anyone?


Can you tell a Levitan from a Lloyd episode of Modern Family?


Because to them, the difference between the evens and odds is so gigantic that they can't even be in the same room! That's how wildly different the show is to them...and no one in America can tell.

More ratings updates to come later this week...

Read More

Another First Paragraph

I forget to mention this in my TV preview. I was reading Entertainment Weekly to see the new schedule for all of the networks, and there was an article about Mindy Kaling.

Here's the first paragraph:

"Can you put in this story that I'm eating fruit?" asks Mindy Kaling in the middle of an LA nightclub, popping a raspberry into her mouth. "This is the first time I've done it in four years, but...for this story: 'Mmmm, fruit!'"

Read More

I Thought Santos Was President

Read More

Reality Show Idea

This one is guaranteed to get higher ratings than anything on TV right now:

Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes as competing taxi drivers in Manhattan. Whoever makes the most money from cab fares - without killing anyone - wins a shit ton of meth.

The key to this idea, and I must stress it because these reality show producers don't know what they are doing:

It has to be real.

No fancy producing, editing, or fakery. Just legitimately have the two of them drive taxis. I don't need any staged moments or funny sound effects or cheats, simply show us what actually happens for the week these two are driving people around town.

You're telling me that's not a hit? Get on it, VH1.

Read More

This Premise Must Die

Hopefully, this will become a new, regular blog series that will lift me into the stratosphere of the blogosphere!

This is where I will highlight a premise I keep seeing over and over in TV shows that must die. Some of these shows are on the air, but many are just sold to the networks where don't make it to series.

Perhaps my all time favorite example of this is a sitcom that kept getting sold a few years ago. The premise? Three different couples in different stages of their relationships. One of the couples has just hooked up, another is recently married, and the other has been married for a long time. 

Networks could not get enough of this. It got to the point where everyone realized that it was silly and overdone, and then they bought 5 more. I think it's dead now, but it lived far too long.

Well, today on "This Premise Must Die", we venture into the realm of the one hour drama. It's a very common premise that will probably be with us forever, but I'm not sure who enjoys this show. 

THE PREMISE:

A disgraced/disbarred/recently fired/low rent lawyer uses his/her non-traditional tactics to solve cases week after week.

Today's example (via Deadline Hollywood):

David Shore will write and executive produce the untitled drama, described as a high-end, character-driven procedural about a former cop who’s now a cunning but charming low-rent lawyer who uses his street smarts to work the system for his clients while battling his own demons and wooing his ex-wife.

Hmm. A procedural. Character driven. Battling demons. Wooing his ex. Sounds a little like House. Well, get ready for this, David Shore is the guy who created House!

As my dad always says, "dance with the one that brung ya".

Here is one that will probably also be on next fall (also via Deadline):

The project centers on William “Billy” Remz, a brilliant, morally questionable defense attorney who, after being falsely convicted of fraud and stripped of his legal license, uses his unorthodox methods to solve the cases he’s been prohibited from handling. 

How about this one:

A drama about a white-shoe lawyer coming back from disbarment for mixing business and pleasure and an enterprising black lawyer - who run a small storefront law firm specializing in ambulance chasing and defending the defenseless

That one isn't exactly perfect, but I love how lawyers in these shows are not allowed to be doing great as lawyers. They're always disgraced in some way and must use their non-lawyer skills to get shit done.

Here's another:

A drama about a high-powered Minneapolis lawyer who gets fired (under mysterious circumstances) and starts his own firm as a defense attorney, accompanied by an eclectic batch of colleagues.

That's a buzz word, "eclectic". I blame David E. Kelley. Okay, one more:

A drama about a vigilante lawyer who uses any means necessary to defend his clients against a corrupt district attorney and city establishment.  

A vigilante lawyer?! Whoa. I was gonna go into environmental law, maybe copyright law, but ultimately I wanted the excitement of vigilante law.

I'm probably being stupid with this, and it's actually just any lawyer show that bothers me. I think that's the lesson, really, let's knock it off with lawyer shows for awhile. We've got "Franklin and Bash", what more do you need? Nothing is going to match that.

Of course, I have neglected the lawyer shows that actually made it to air...

"Harry's Law" got canceled last year, guess what that was about? A recently fired patent lawyer.

"Fairly Legal": It's about a lawyer who decides to quit being a lawyer. 

And "Suits"? That's about a guy who got kicked out of law school but somehow works as a lawyer. He didn't even get the chance to get disbarred!

So this gives me an idea. I'm going to pitch a show about a BOOK-smart lawyer, at a great firm, fully barred, who uses traditional methods to win cases. Also, he's happily married.

Hand over the money, please. 

Luckily, development season is really picking up, so we'll see if more of these get sold. If they do, you will see it here first, that is my vow. 

Read More

Tweets From a Conservative

I follow PPP Polls (@ppppolls) on twitter. They tweet poll results for the congressional and presidential elections. After they wrote that Obama was up in Virginia, they retweeted a couple of hateful responses they received from some conservatives.

One of the themes this cycle is that conservatives believe that every poll is biased. It's true that the PPP is known to lean democrat, but it's not just them that the republicans have a problem with. They even think the Fox News poll is "lying".

Anyway, I was curious about one of the guys who tweeted the hateful response to PPP so I clicked on his Twitter page. Here are his tweets, from the most current one directed at the PPP running backwards in time:

@ppppolls Because you are biased in your polling.you'll be out of business when Romney wins Virginia,Fla,Colo,Wis,Iowa,Ohio.

@mitchellreports (this tweet is directed to Andrea Mitchell) Resign you unprepared bias old windbag.Stop lying to the American people and give the the facts.You're a disgrace.

@contessabrewer Windmills, what a great idea! This is insane America is upside down.Get rid of the media now.

@DavidLimbaugh THIS COUNTRY IS FUCKED IF THIS RADICAL WINS THE ELECTION AGAIN.THIS IS NOT THE AMERICA I GREW UP IN.WHAT THE FUCK

@jennajameson (Jenna Jameson tweeted some anti-Obama stuff) These people will try to bring you down... stand tall and speak your mind. They think they're better than you THEY ARE NOT.

@mitchellreports @BarackObama @jdbalart @Telemundo @MittRomney at least he'd shoot and not apologize you ass licking douche.Fucking pathetic

@donnabrazile You can take the NYTimes and stick it up your ass and everyone who reads it! The NYTimes is part of the re election team Obama

@britneyspears You were very good tonight and you're looking very good. Keep it going.

At least he's Team Britney, you have to respect that.

Read More

Are You Going to Watch The Master?

 (warning - NSFW)


I don't know how you can watch that and NOT want to go see this movie. Has anyone ever won the Oscar just from a youtube clip?

Read More

Irwin's Annual Fall TV Viewing Guide Part II

Where were we? Oh yeah...

THURSDAY

BEST NEW PROCEDURAL THAT I WON'T WATCH

"Elementary" CBS. 10pm.
I've heard good things, and I like Lucy Liu. But I don't give a shit.

BEST NEW SHOW THAT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT CAN LAST MORE THAN ONE EPISODE

"Last Resort" ABC. 8pm.
The premise is awesome. Navy dudes on a sub get an iffy order to fire nukes and they disobey it. They end up on an island, declaring themselves their own sovereign country. A sovereign country with nukes.

My boy Ben - Scott Speedman - is in it, hopefully whispering like he always used to on Felicity, along with Andre Braugher, who always means business. It's awesome! But wait, 22 episodes of that? At 8pm? Can they pull it off? We shall see. 

RETURNING SHOW I WILL GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE

"Up All Night" NBC. 8:30.
I like the vibe of this show. They don't seem like they're trying very hard, and I admire that. It's just like, "let's let Wil Arnett fuck around for awhile". I've heard that they're rejiggering a bit, and getting rid of the whole Maya Rudolph as Oprah angle. I don't know, I kinda liked that.

And doing smaller stories about parenting is...questionable. It's very difficult to do a show focused on raising a baby. It sounds good in theory, but nobody wants to see that. There's a reason that Ben was in about 3 of the 200 episodes of "Friends".

WORST NEW SHOW STARRING A GIRL I LIKE TO STARE AT

"Beauty and the Beast" CW. 9pm.
Kristen Kreuk, the poor man's Mila Kunis. Or as I like to call her, the rich man's Mila Kunis. No one will watch this, which will make it the highest rated show on the CW.

FRIDAY

THE GREATEST REALITY SHOW OF ALL TIME

"Shark Tank" ABC. 8pm.
You know what's so great about "Shark Tank"? I mean, besides how great it is? It's that when it started, the ratings for it were awful. But I saw, and some of you saw, that it was a really good show. And ABC stuck with it, and pretty soon, the rest of America figured it out, and it built and built and now the ratings for it are fantastic.

Just like the fireman/inventor of that hose attacher thingy, it's a true American success story!

THE OTHER WORST PILOT I READ

"Made in Jersey" CBS. 9pm.
You know, I slept on it, and I came to a realization: "Mob Doctor" is way, way worse than this show. Don't get me wrong, this sucks too. But I shouldn't even put them in the same category, even though I do because I hate their titles so much.

The weird thing is they cast an uptight British chick to play a Jersey Shore, woman of the people type, who goes to work in a world of uptight high society types. Huh? We've all seen Sammie and JWow, we know these chicks now. Some British chippie isn't going to fool us.

It's a boring procedural, and will be cancelled quickly.

HOW DID THESE SHOWS GET PICKED RENEWED???

"Whitney" and "Community" NBC. 8pm. 8:30pm.
Guess what? Community wasn't even good when it was good. Not to mention it has the most annoying, defensive, no sense of humor fans on Earth. Good riddance to this thing.

And Whitney. Oh, Whitney. They smartly changed this show to more of an ensemble late last season. But still, the premise never made sense. The scheduling was never right. It's an ugly mess, and I'm not just talking about Whitney herself.

THE WE REALLY SHOULDN'T KNOW JOHN QUINONES BY NAME SHOW

"What Would You Do?" ABC. 9pm. 
It's terrible, and yet, there you are on a Friday night and there's nothing else on, and you watch it. It's the show I hate to hate. Fucking Quinones! Stop setting people up!

SATURDAY

GO SEE A MOVIE CAUSE THE NETWORKS GAVE UP

That's all I got guys. Overall, it wasn't a great pilot season. They ordered a lot of stuff, and I feel like most of it came back at a similar mediocre level. So they ended up just picking the shows that filled a genre that they were looking for. You may be shocked to hear this, but that usually doesn't make for great TV.

Please let me know if I missed anything, and/or what you're looking forward to. Thanks!

Read More

Irwin's Annual Fall TV Viewing Guide Part I

This is the post the world looks forward to every year. It's where I go through every night of television and tell you what I plan on watching and what I plan on hating. It's your September Christmas gift from me, Irwin Claus.

And I expect this year's to be the best one I've ever done because I've actually seen and read a lot of the pilots this time around. So let's begin, shall we?

Just remember the 2 golden rules:

1. I don't watch procedurals.
2. I don't watch comedies on CBS. 

SUNDAY

RETURNING SHOWS THAT ARE AWESOME

"Revenge" ABC. 9pm.
It used to be on Wednesdays and has been moved to Sunday. These types of shows are notoriously difficult to keep from being stupid, and some episodes lingered in that territory last year. But it finished strong, and I kind of trust this showrunner. He seems like he has a plan. Also, he did "Swingtown". Never forget (Grant Show's mustache).

"Homeland" Showtime.
I don't think too much needs to be said about this show. It's probably my favorite series on TV, and I look forward to seeing how they try to top themselves in season 2.

"The Walking Dead" AMC.
Jesus, what a night of TV! It reminds me of this club thing I was in during college, which had meetings every Sunday night. I lasted a week. Asking me to miss the Sunday night NFL game is one thing, but then HBO started knocking it out of the park every week and it became impossible to leave my shitty apartment. 

Despite what nerds would have you believe, The Walking Dead is not perfect.  In fact, no show ping pongs from fantastic to unwatchable more than this show, but there's enough good in here to stick it out for another season.

I'm a little worried though. I think it was a mistake to kill off Shane. I wanted to follow that dude battling zombies. Rick kinda sucks, but they've hitched their wagon to him so we'll see what happens...

THE NEW ABC SHOW WITH OLD ABC PEOPLE IN IT

"666 Park Avenue" ABC. 10pm.
I haven't seen this one yet, but I haven't heard good things. Locke is in it, which is good. So is Vanessa Williams. But horror type stuff tends not to work on network TV, cause you can't do it the right way. Then again, horror never works for me, cause I hate it and it's stupid.

THE SHOW I DON'T WATCH BUT PEOPLE SAY IS GOOD

"The Good Wife" CBS. 9pm.
It seems fine, but it's a procedural on CBS and rules are rules.

MONDAY

It was nice of the TV programmers to recognize that Sunday is jam packed with great stuff and give us a reprieve on Monday by putting all of the crappy shows there. If you like CBS or dancing, this is your night. If not, you are shit out of luck.

RETURNING SHOWS I LOVE

None.

RETURNING SHOWS I HATE

All of them.

THIS YEAR'S FLASH FORWARD/V/THE EVENT/THE NINE

"Revolution" NBC. 10pm.
It seems like every season one network rolls out a sci-fi, "Lost" style show. And every year, I get sucked into it and quickly become the only person watching it. This year it's "Revolution".

It's about what happens when all forms of power on Earth no longer work. Or something. Anyway, it's from JJ Abrams and Jon Favreau. My dream is that it makes it all the way through the season, and then the finale somehow incorporates story lines from Flash Forward and The Event and answers all of the mysteries. 

THE NEW SHOW THAT IS A GIGANTIC PIECE OF CRAP

"The Mob Doctor" Fox. 9pm
It's hard to believe that a show with such a snappy title could be bad, but believe it. This might've been the worst pilot I read (there's another contender coming up later) and I was absolutely shocked that it got on TV.

Sometimes they just greenlight shows because they "fit" some kind of slot they have, instead of worrying about the quality of the show. This is meant to go in the House slot. It's about a doctor! So it's the same! Except for the mob! Ugh.

TUESDAY

Lots and lots and lots of new comedies...

THE BEST NEW COMEDY

"Go On" NBC. 9pm.

I like Matthew Perry. I like ex "Friends" writers. I like my good friend who got hired to write on this show. I like sports. The only thing I don't like are group therapy sessions. There's something off about them, and it's also one of the reasons I don't like Community. Look how diverse all of us are! But we're coming together with our problems and doing wacky stuff!

Nevertheless, the pilot was well done and clever and funny. And it has to be better than Matt Leblanc's "Pucks!". 

2ND BEST NEW COMEDY

"Ben and Kate"
I wanted to hate this show, but it was actually one of the better comedy pilots. The guy lead in it, Ben, is just darn likeable.

Fun fact: Abby Elliott from SNL was fired after the initial table read for the pilot. They claimed it was because she was too young for the part, then they hired someone younger. Nice!

WORST NEW COMEDY

"The New Normal" NBC. 9:30pm.
Having characters talk directly to the camera when you're not doing a "mockumentary" should've gone out with Zack Morris. There's a reason they phased it out after the first season of Sex and the City. It's really bad and awkward, but this show does it. I have no idea why.

Oh, and Ryan Murphy (Glee, American Horror Story) is garbage. People either love or hate the guy, but mostly they hate him. He's not good, right? And yet, he has a billion dollars.

WORST NEW COMEDY THAT ALL OF THE CRITICS ARE PRETENDING IS GOOD EVEN THOUGH IT'S AWFUL

"The Mindy Project" Fox. 9:30pm.
I just don't get it. I don't. I mean, I like Mindy Kaling too. And I know we're all supposed to love everything she does, but this show is just not good. At all. And as awesome as Kaling is, there is a possibility that much like George Costanza before her, she just wasn't meant to be a lead.

THE NEW SHOW I SHOULD WATCH, BUT WON'T

"Vegas" CBS. 10pm.
Dennis Quaid stars in a period piece about the early days of Vegas. That is right up my alley! And yet...I think this is a procedural. Also, it's on CBS. I don't think there's anyway I consistently watch this.

It's funny, cause if this was on AMC, I wouldn't miss it.

BEST SHOW I DON'T WATCH FOR NO GOOD REASON

"Parenthood" NBC. 10pm.
Just never got into it. Wish I did, but I didn't. I have no excuse.

WEDNESDAY

THE BEST RETURNING SHOW THAT ALL OF YOU MUST WATCH

"Suburgatory" ABC. 9:30pm (new post "Modern Family" time slot!)
I'm not saying that you have to watch this show just because I'm writing on it now, but you have to watch it just because I'm writing on it now. And also because it's awesome!

Granted, I have no experience on working on a scripted network show before, but I can safely say that the 2nd season is probably going to be the greatest thing that you've ever seen in your life. And let's face it, you deserve to know what I've been up to during my Bachelor off hours.

THE BEST NEW DRAMA

"Nashville" ABC. 10pm.
Loved the pilot, and I don't even like country music or Hayden Pennit-a-whatever. It's enjoyable. Basically, I just want more soaps on primetime!

You know Connie Britton's good, I don't have to tell y'all that. Plus, there's something cool about the music business, which is what this is about.

THE BEST NEW MONKEY

"Animal Practical"
I hate animals. Really, I do. So how can I endorse a show about an animal hospital? Because that monkey is comedy gold! Believe the monkey hype. 

THE NEW SHOW I DON'T KNOW ABOUT

"Chicago Fire"
People are saying that this thing is no good, but I want to like it. Is it a procedural? I actually don't know. It must be, it's from the Law and Order guy. Bummer.

THE BEST REALITY SHOW STARRING BLAIR WARNER FROM THE FACTS OF LIFE

"Survivor"
Seriously, Blair is on it. And she loves God. I just don't understand why they wouldn't also put Jo on it as her foil! That formula never fails, just ask Mrs. Garrett.

Tomorrow, part II...

Read More

Bachelor Pad Season 3 Finale

Oh my God. We're finally here. The end. I've been on a crazy, uninterrupted Bachelor run, and I'm grateful for the upcoming break. But not before...all hell breaks loose tonight! Let's get into it...

The odd part about the finale of Bachelor Pad? None of it takes place at the Bachelor Pad! This is all done in studio, where the Pad contestants gather to decide who wins it. Just a reminder: this is down to Nick and Rachel vs. Lipless and Sarah.

As Harrison introduces all of the other eliminated people, the crowd cheers wildly for everyone...except for the twins and Jamie. Brutal! There's twin level hate for Jamie.

We quickly realize that at least the first hour of this is going to be less a finale, and more a "The Guys/Girls Tell All" type episode. There's a lot of recap videos. Um, who is watching this who hasn't been watching the entire time? Holy shit, I just realized it's been entirely pointless for me to watch any of the previous episodes! I've wasted my life! Damn.

Kalon and Lindzi are still together...sorta. It actually doesn't sound like they really are. Erica warns that she's seen Kalon in Houston (Houston social scene!) with other girls. Lindzi doesn't seem to care and again, I'm pretty sure they're just fuck buddies.

Michael sits with Harrison in the hot seat. Rachel isn't out there yet, but he tells us that he has broken up with her. Jaclyn butts her ugly face into it and says Michael did Rachel dirty. He says she liked him more than he liked her - he thought it was a "summer camp" relationship - and then broke up with her. Sounds reasonable. I mean, the only person I had sex with at summer camp was myself, but still, I get it. We'll be hearing more about this later...

You know the Pad is a fucked up place when Tony and Blakely are the only couple with staying power.

Jaclyn is next on the hot seat, immediately making it the disgusting seat.  She destroys everything that has ever been hot! She tells us that she thought she was going to win, for sure. Strangely, the whole Ed situation is not mentioned at all. What?! Seriously though, did I miss it? Isn't that the first question you'd ask? Is anyone out there? Hello?!

Now Blakely is on the hot seat. Jesus, this is amateur hour. These are people who couldn't even get screen time when they were on The Bachelor, now they are "stars". I still love that quote from her though: "I'm a Scorpio and I will sting the fuck out of you...in retrospect". I love "in retrospect". It's like when Joey on Friends had "word of the day" toilet paper. "Ooh, retrospect, I gotta work that in!"

Blakely appears to have a new, crazy person tattoo on her arm. She breaks down when talking about Tony, "I don't know what I did to deserve him". You served beers in a tight Hooters shirt. That'll get you a Tony 7 days a week.

The lamest thing just happened: they set it up to make it look like Tony was going to pop the question. Instead, he announces that they are moving in together. Whoa! Hey guys, don't know if you're aware of this, but you're in your 30's! Not that big a deal at this point.

Blakely exclaims, "he's got cable!". Oh my God. Trailer. Trash. Yet even Trailer Trash has cable. I've seen the dishes on those things.

Oh, then it actually happens. Tony proposes. Does he not know that he has a kid? She says yes. The kid's future just said no. You can't have Blakely as a step mom and come out normal.

At long last, the final 2 couples come out. Rachel quickly brings up the Michael stuff. Michael was saying a lot of nice things when they were on the show, then got cold afterwards. Rachel is confused. Michael says he meant it, but then he realized he wasn't falling in love with her. Meanwhile, Nick just sits there like a goof.

Turns out, Michael's whole excuse about not wanting to have a "long distance relationship was bullshit. Cause he started dating a chick in Chicago. Whoops.

It doesn't seem like Michael did anything that wrong, he just didn't like her enough. How do you break up with someone and not look like an asshole? On the Pad, it's impossible. Then again, maybe this is all just a ruse to gain sympathy votes for Rachel so she wins the money. The ultimate game playing!!!

Nick explains his strategy of not being interesting at all.

Lipless feels bad for being an jerk, cause his family and friends watched the show, and now they think he's a jerk. Chris says "that's not what I intended to do". Really? Cause you seemed to really intend to do it a lot.

Jamie pulls the Steve "Ricki" Zahn card! Lipless would not make a good father. Ouch. It's always a risk to bring up Ricki on this show, but she pulled it off. Luckily, she didn't mention the word "baggage".

It should be written that Sarah looks like shit. She might be having a nervous breakdown, and what's breaking down is her face.

Lipless: "I can't regret it cause I can't change it". You don't understand regret. 

Lipless keeps playing the parents card. He says he's had enough. Did he not know that this whole thing was being filmed? That's the only explanation that makes sense.

The eliminated people now get to vote for a couple to win. It seems like it has to be Nick and Rachel winning, just because of the Lipless factor.

Of course Kalon votes for Lipless. That's what he does.

A Reid sighting! By the way, the twins have not uttered a single word. And there's 2 of them!

Nick and Rachel win, 9-3.

Now here's where it gets interesting. The producers have come up with an ingenious little device. Nick and Rachel now have to hold up cards. They each have to decide to "share the money" or "keep the money". If they both pick "share", they share the money. If one takes "share" and the other "keep", the person who chose "keep", keeps the money! If they both choose "keep", the rest of the competitors get to split the money.

Pretty cool idea.

We know there's drama here tonight. Is it possible Nick chooses "keep"? If so he would propel himself instantly into the Bachelor Pad Hall of Fame! And this is a guy who has done nothing ever. That's how bold a move it would be.

If Blakely gets a share you know what she's getting...a DVR! Oh my God it's a magical box that records things! Off cable! Which I now have!

THE FINAL REVEAL

Rachel chooses...SHARE

Nick gives a long, rambling, serial killer style speech, and then:

Nick chooses...KEEP!!!!!!!!!!

He did it! Nick did it! I have to think his association with this blog was the difference. Nick, if you're reading this, you have to do an interview. We believed in you when no one else did!

Rachel is pissed, Nick is defiant. The rest of the cast is blown away.  Nick starts walking around the stage, talking shit, just turning into a cocky motherfucker. It's genius.

This reminds me of that movie "Primal Fear" with Ed Norton. You think Ed Norton is a quiet, shy guy for most of the movie, and then all of the sudden he reveals himself to be a psychopath. That's the switch Nick has flipped right now.

His reasoning is that no one believed in him, Rachel didn't even want to be partners with him, he got no love from anybody. And guess what? By the end, the studio audience is sorta on board with him!

Kalon is the only person talking sense! He says "none of us 'deserved' the money, it was just a game and we were lucky to be here". Yes! He then gives Nick credit, because previously he thought Nick was just an idiot. Ha.

Lipless, and some others, start giving Nick credit for winning the game. Holy shit - Nick is some kind of muscular wizard. And Rachel has now been dumped twice.

By the way, this adds awesome stakes for next season. It was assumed in the past that both people would always pick "share", and now you have to really think about it.

After Harrison signs off, Nick walks backstage. Rachel follows him. She says they had a conversation about this. They spoke on the phone and they agreed they'd both pick "share". It's like an episode of Jerry Springer. Actually, it is an episode of Jerry Springer.

I want to make love to Rachel so badly right now.

Funny end sequence of all the Pad contestants, while they were still in the house, talking about how dumb Nick is. Suck it, losers!

I'll leave you with with the first email Nick wrote to me months ago:

Just wanted to drop you an email and say you got a funny blog man.  There's a million Bachelor bloggers out there and naturally I read them, but most aren't near as entertaining as yours!  The blonde is gone and the soul patch has been shaved so you can't wear me out about that anymore haha.  Keep it up dude and I'll be looking out for your blog if I'm on the Pad 3 next season!

Nick - The frosted tip blonde personal trainer guy

Read More

A Highly Underrated Movie

As Bill Clinton was giving his (masterful - no matter who you are!) speech last night, there was a passage in there that struck me as being very familiar. He said:

“There are already more than 3 million jobs open and unfilled in America. Mostly because the people who apply for them don’t yet have the required skills to do them.”

I knew it from somewhere. In fact, I think it was Bill Clinton who said it, but a long time ago. It was driving me crazy. Finally, it hit me. I had heard those words before, but it wasn't Bill Clinton who said it...but it also sorta was.

Huh?

It was actually John Travolta playing Governor Jack Stanton who is really supposed to be Governor Bill Clinton. It was from the movie "Primary Colors".



"Primary Colors" was based on a best selling book and came out in 1998. And it was mostly forgotten.

But it is awesome!

Here's why it is not properly rated: It fell into one of my biggest pet peeves - a movie that comes out too soon after the real events that inspired it.

I hate that. Things need time to breathe, for us all to gain some perspective. The best Vietnam movies didn't come out until years later. This movie came out while Clinton was still president. It came out just as the Lewinsky thing was hitting, and it's not about Lewinsky.

So no one cared. It was old news. But all news goes through the same cycle. It's breaking, then it's regular, then it's old, then it's the stuff that happens on "The Newsroom", and then, at a certain point, it becomes history.

The history section is when all of the movies should be made, but not a second earlier. "Primary Colors" was made in the very unfortunate Newsroom time frame. Not good.

But now more time has past, and that stuff has become history. And it's on cable all the time now, and I seem to watch it every time it pops up on the guide. It's simply great. It's one of those movies that make you wonder why all movies can't be good. It's so effortless, it's not trying too hard, it's just enjoyable.

Travolta's performance isn't amazing, but Billy Bob Thornton and Kathy Bates absolutely kill it. I don't think those two could ever find characters more perfect for them. Even better, Kathy Bates doesn't get naked once.

My favorite scene in the movie is when the staffers - played by Maura Tierney (representing Dee Dee Myers maybe?), Adrian Lester (George Stephanopoulos), and Billy Bob Thornton (James Carville) have a sit down meeting with Emma Thompson (Hillary Clinton) and her friend. 

The staffers have to very gently explain to her that the media is going to start doing stories about her husband cheating on her, and they need to be prepared for it. They need to dig up all of the dirt first, so they'll know what they're going up against.

Read More

The Clint of the Matter

I have a love/hate relationship with politics. I love to hate it. I love to get angry about it. And I love to complain about it. But it's not disagreements over issues that keep me coming back and get me fired up. It's something else entirely.

When I've written about politics here in the past I've had a difficult time properly explaining what that something is. But now I think I finally have the perfect example of everything I'm fascinated with and despise. 

I don't have a problem with people who are pro-life or pro bombing Iran or pro calling women sluts. I disagree with them, but that doesn't bother me or really interest me that much. Heck, we're not going to agree on everything.

No, what really kills me, what I can't get over, what feeds my addiction to this stuff is:

Clint Eastwood and the empty chair.

As you know, at the Republican National Convention, Clint Eastwood gave a speech where he spoke to a chair as if Obama was sitting in it and talking back to him. It caused a stir and got people talking, not necessarily in a good way.

After the dust settled, Republican's rallied to Clint's defense. Conservative commentators and bloggers and tweeters were adamant about one thing: Clint Eastwood's speech was pure genius.

They loved it and defended it and refused to back down about it. Not only was Clint's speech not a disaster, it was the greatest moment of the entire convention. Clint destroyed Obama! He made Obama look like a damn fool. Clint won the week and was an American hero!!! 

Okay, THIS IS IT!

This is my problem. This is what I hate. This is what keeps drawing me back in to the fight.

Why?

Because what if Clint had spoke in prime time at the Democratic National Convention.  And what if he rambled in the exact same way, having a made up conversation with an empty chair that represented Mitt Romney.

Do you think these same conservatives would think it was a good speech?

Of course not. They would loudly, very, very loudly, mock the democrats and Clint. It would be relentless.

So there's my problem. Here we have the exact same speech by the exact same person. But depending on where he gives it, these people will have the exact opposite reaction?

Why can't they have an honest reaction? Why not be consistent? Why can't there be critical thinking? Why would people want to be like this? Why would they want to say what everyone else in their party is saying?

I'm desperate for these answers. It's what keeps me coming back. Why?!!!

Let me see if I can make this even clearer:

The 49ers are my favorite team. On Sunday, they are playing the Packers. I hate the Packers. Let's say on the opening possession, Alex Smith throws a pick six to Charles Woodson. And then Aaron Rodgers reels off 400 yards passing and 5 touchdowns. In the fourth, with the game out of reach, the Niners punch in a meaningless touchdown to make the final score 52-7.

And then on Monday I come on here and write "the 49ers made the Packers look like idiots!!!"

Wouldn't I sound like a retard? Like a crazy person? Like a blind, raving, fool?

That's what these people sound like to me, every fricking day. And I just can't let it go. I have to say something. Sometimes your side gets it's ass kicked, that doesn't mean you should brag about it! I don't understand it.

When I yell at conservatives on the internet, it is always about this. It is never about what they believe. It is always about this dishonesty. This fake cheerleading. This hypocrisy.

Do democrats do it too? Uh, yeah. Of course. But it's not as coordinated. And the dems don't have these national media figures like the conservatives do. There's no democrat version of Rush Limbaugh, or Hannity, or Malkin, or Coulter, or O'Reilly, or Ingrahm, I mean, it's endless.

Democrats have, at best, very weak versions of them, who have no influence on the party. I don't think Ed Schultz is talking to anyone besides Mama and Papa Shultz (as you immediately wonder, who in the hell is Ed Schultz?)

When I'm watching Clint Eastwood at the RNC, or Sarah Palin getting interviewed by Katie Couric, or any of these moments, I'm always thinking, "how bad does it have to be?" How bad does it have to be before Republicans admit that it's bad?

And the answer is always: it can never be bad enough. Never. It can't be. Or else the dirty liberals will win.

Read More

Bachelor Pad, Season 3, Ep 7

Sorry, folks. It was a crazy two weeks. A stressful, fun, amazing, depressing, awesome two weeks. But you'll get to see the fruits of my labor on November 7th, on ABC, the very same network of the Pad!

But I'm back, fully focused on the goings on of said Pad.

First things first: Rachel has her bangs pulled back! And just as I suspected, she looks great. It's amazing that someone could look in the mirror and not understand what's happening with their own hair and face. Somewhere, Maggie Gyllenhaal is nodding sadly.

4 couples are left. And honestly, I think we're going to be severely unhappy if any of them win. They're all terrible. Blakely and Tony? No, thanks. Lipless and Sarah? Fuck no! Ed and Jaclyn? Seriously, this is what we're dealing with. Yikes.

Harrison announces that at the next competition, the winner gets to send another couple home. The competition? "Hanging by a Thread". Roughly translated, it involves some kind of trapeze thing that hangs over the pool. They have to answer Bachelor trivia, if they miss, their partner gets dumped into the pool.

Nick and Rachel are the only couple to pick the guy to answer the questions. There's a strength element to this, and apparently they didn't understand that and sent Rachel up to hang. Finally, something a personal trainer could do well and they don't take advantage of it.

Incidentally, if I had to hang, I sure as hell wouldn't want Blakely deciding my fate with her brain. The only brain she's good at is giving it. 

This pic goes out to all of the Rachel haters...

Damn.

Question 1: who was the first person in a bikini this season? Answer: Donna. Aw, remember Donna? Second question: who is from the earliest season? Answer: Erica. Blakely and Jaclyn get it wrong.

Sure enough, Blakely gets pretty much all of them wrong and Tony is left to hang. Much like his parenting, he doesn't hang around long. He goes into the pool. He's followed by Ed and Rachel.

Lipless wins. Shit. How is this happening? Where are you when we need you, God?

Hey, can you guess why Tony is here? It's because of his kid. He has one. A son. He really loves him, except for the 90% of the year he's spending on reality shows trying to fuck people.

Before Lipless announces who they are getting rid of, he makes a speech. He claims that he's just been playing the game like everyone else. Well, except for when he'd sleep with people while telling America that they were awful sluts. That wasn't for the game, that was just for fun.

After explaining what a great guy he is, he singles out his only friend on the show, Tony, the father, and kicks his ass to the curb.

Blakely cries her eyes out. She hasn't been this upset since Hooters changed the wings' secret sauce. She hasn't been this upset since she was demoted from VIP cocktail waitress to regular cocktail waitress. She hasn't been this upset since her fake tits got real tan lines. She hasn't been this upset since she had to settle for Tony.

This is when the show transitions into "we need the money more than they do". You all need the money, idiots! You have no employable skills and America hates you. And some of you look like Jaclyn.

The next competition is at the Palladium. Night Ranger, who sing "Sister Christian", are there playing. And Ed is fucking blown away! He's so excited. It's hilarious. I feel like Marty Macfly right now, because we just traveled back to 1985. Night Ranger?!

The couples have to perform the song in front of an audience, and Night Ranger will be judging them. What this has to do with anything, I don't know. But it's Night Ranger! At least Ed is stoked.

Chris is already nervous. If his singing skills are half as good as his dancing skills, so he should be.

Weird. All of their vocal coaches are from "Glee". They know this is a different network, right? Memo to ABC: get the people who are working on "Nashville", stat.

Chris thinks they have an advantage because they've "won the last 2 competitions". And he says Sarah can't sing. Holy shit, what an asshole. First of all, what you've done in the other competitions has nothing to do with your ability to sing. Second of all, you suck at singing. Who knew you needed lips to belt out Sister Christian? But the worst part is that he thinks he's good and Sarah is the problem.

"Too bad I'm not there, I'd own this competition", says Wes, as he sits alone in his motor home.

"If I was there I'd write my own lyrics", says Kasey, as he gets ready to go back for another semester at the school for the deaf.

I'm predicting Ed will win this, only because he's stupid enough to completely not give a fuck and just let it all hang loose. Plus, you know he has to be completely sauced.

Nick and Rachel go first. Rachel uses her husky, manish voice to her advantage. But really it's just bad singing. Nick is actually a little better. For some reason, the other idiots are surprised by this because "they're not a real couple". As if that has anything to do with anything. Ed criticizes the choreography. Ha.

Ed and Jaclyn are up next. Jaclyn immediately screws up and says the "F word" and asks to start over. They both forget the lyrics. It's uncomfortable. So much for my pick. They do resort to humping though. That's the only thing they're good at.

There are black people there!

Despite not getting one lyric correct, Jaclyn says that they "recovered nicely".

And finally, it's Chris and Sarah's turn. Chris' voice is in the register of frog voice. And his dancing...oh Lord, no improvement there. Sarah might be even worse. Like, if you were showing up late to this thing and saw Sarah, you'd think they let a retarded person on stage. And then they'd see Jaclyn and it would be confirmed.

Ed describes Sarah's dancing as "a monkey being electrocuted".

The "judges" rule that the winner is Nick and Rachel. Thank you. Now they get to decide who they face in the finale. Unfortunately, you usually want to pick the couple that everyone who was on the show hates. This would seem to mean that they're gonna pick Lipless. Not good.

Nick tries to talk Rachel into it, but she's not into it because Jaclyn is her bud. But he is right. And he's relentless about it. This dude is a personal trainer and he's staring $125k in the face, he is not fucking around right now.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

The couple going home is...ED and JACLYN.

Bummer. Chris is celebrating like he got picked because he has an awesome chance to win.

He is still in it though. Who would vote for him to win? Who?! I demand to know. Cause he is the worst. 

The good news is, Jaclyn looks so pretty when she cries. She's pissed and feels betrayed and Rachel feels terrible, but come on, it was the only move to make. Stop pretending like it wasn't.

Next week: Michael becomes a dick! Rachel loses her mind! And Chris Harrison calls it "the most shocking, most disturbing finale of Bachelor Pad ever!!!"

Whoa.

Read More