Me vs. Aaron Sorkin

A little over 2 years ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. I was watching Fox News that night and thought that despite their tears, Obama getting elected was actually the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

I've always been fascinated by these guys - O'Reilly, Hannity, Limbaugh. They have to go on TV and radio 5 days a week, and come up with stuff to scare the shit out of people or risk being as boring as liberals are. It's really just straight up show business. Though I'm sure they believe some of what they say, they definitely do not believe all of it.

So combining that with the Obama/Fox thing, I wrote a spec TV pilot.

It was a 1 hour dramedy about a bigger than life conservative radio host and the inner workings of putting on a talk show every day. The catalyst for the pilot was the election of Obama, which despite what he was saying on his show, the main character was rooting for all along. The tone was sorta like "Rescue Me". And it was probably the best script that I've ever written.

My agent loved it. He sent it around town, and I got lots of meetings. I was very excited about the response.

But no one wanted to buy it.

They all said the same exact thing: "if you kept the same characters, the same dialogue, the same everything, but made it about anything OTHER than politics, we'd buy it"

They wanted nothing to do with a show about politics. I tried to explain to them about a little something called "The West Wing". Didn't matter. I tried to explain that Fox News gets better ratings than them and maybe they were onto something, but they weren't having it. I had picked the wrong "area" to write about.

But then Aaron Sorkin came along and he wanted to do a show about politics. Or more specifically, a "one hour drama about a bigger than life liberal talk show host and the inner workings of putting a show every day".

It was my show, but with a Keith Olbermann type instead of a Rush Limbaugh type. And suddenly, everyone wanted to do a show about politics! Well, as long as Aaron Sorkin was writing it.

Normally I get super depressed about situations like this, but not in this case. Sorkin should do that show, it's perfect for him. I didn't have the juice to make it happen, Sorkin did. It made sense. Plus, my script opened a lot of doors for me and led to a bunch of other things, and is still a great sample, so it's all good. I only mildly want to kill myself, which is a huge step up for me.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, today I got my hands on Aaron Sorkin's script.

Since I've been anticipating this ever since I heard about this "competing project", this is a big day. And to celebrate, I think it's time to compare my script vs. Sorkin's script. True, being one of the competitors, I may not be the best judge. But I think I can be pretty impartial, because I was born without feelings or a soul.

First of all, I was very surprised to find that this script is not exactly what everyone thinks it's about. The main character has Keith Olbermann flourishes, but he is not Keith Olbermann. He is actually Brian Williams.

That's right, this isn't about an opinion/MSNBC style show. This is about the nightly news. Yes, the network nightly news that no one watches. Interesting choice.

The main character, who I'll call Brian Williams, clashes with his new female executive producer who he was romantically involved with in the past. This is funny because in my script the main character clashes with his female boss who is also his ex-wife.

There are some other similarities, most involve both main characters being assholes with a heart. But really, there isn't a ton that's the same. Despite the background of politics and news and TV and radio, they are different shows. His is about journalism, mine is about sensationalism and show business.

And mine is better.

And the reason is that Aaron Sorkin has fallen into the same trap twice in a row now: you can't do The West Wing and just replace the White House with putting on a television program. You just can't. Why?

Because there are no greater stakes than working in the White House. If you mess up there, the world might end. But if you mess up while doing the news or sketch comedy, who gives a shit?

The employees at his sketch show and his news show have brought the same energy and passion and wild eyed optimism that his employees at the White House brought. Well guess what? When you treat those TV gigs that seriously, it sounds stupid. If Matthew Perry doesn't come up with the perfect joke for the cold open, I'm pretty sure things are gonna be okay.

Here's some sample dialogue from the HBO show to demonstrate:

The Executive Producer says to Brian Williams:

"You could be doing the best newscast, not on television, but in history, and making it popular at the same time".

Ha!

That kind of stuff works on the West Wing, it's horribly corny when you're rolling tape on a high speed car chase. Is Katie Couric really going for the best newscast in history these days? I doubt it. Mostly because there's no such thing.

I've never worked in news, but I have written sketch comedy. And let me tell you something, the people who work there are jaded, bitter, and self deprecating. They are not aspiring to greatness. Well maybe they are, but they would never, ever say it out loud.

Another problem is that it feels like Sorkin could write this in his sleep, and he might have. You know how The Soup does a show about everything that happened in pop culture that week? Well, Sorkin has the ability to write a 1 hour drama about whatever happened in the news that week. But that doesn't mean he should.

He clearly just crapped this out during the oil spill in the Gulf several months ago. That's the main story in this. He can easily do that. But it doesn't feel important enough. It isn't crafted. It's rushed. It's standard Sorkin, but it's not special, "Social Network" Sorkin.

Now don't get me wrong, he does some things in this script that I will never be able to do. He is a better writer than me and always will be. Here's an exchange that is cheesy but awesome:

PRODUCER

"He has no script, there's nothing on the prompter!"

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

"Nothing on the prompter is where this man eats"

There are flashes. But the great parts do not add up to a great whole.

But overall, the biggest problem with his pilot is:

Why TV news? I guess I am carrying some bias here, because I wanted it to be about opinion shows and it wasn't and mine was. But that seems like a huge mistake. People don't care about network TV news anymore. That era is dead. But they do care about opinion. That's what gets ratings, generates controversy, gets people talking, etc., and this show is avoiding it for some reason.

As for my script, well maybe it isn't better, but at least it takes on the meatier aspect of these on air personalities, and it doesn't take itself so seriously. No one on it is trying to do the best anything in history, and I'm quite proud of that.

So HBO, you done goofed. I cannot believe you chose Aaron Sorkin over me. But then again, I don't have any Oscars, or Emmys, or a bunch of great credits or a track record of any kind, so you probably did the right thing.

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It's Still Real to Me, Dammit!

This season on Tosh we did a wrestling redemption. It was basically an excuse to try and get our favorite wrestlers from the 80's in a bit. So we ended up having an office full of dudes starstruck by the likes of Koko B. Ware, Sgt. Slaughter, and the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.

It was pretty cool...and sad. These wrestlers don't age well. Despite the fact that it's fake, it's a rough business - "The Wrestler" got it right.

But I just dug up this picture and it reminded me of a happier time, when wrestlers were bigger than life, when I didn't know about steroid abuse or alcoholism, or murder suicides, a time when I believed in good overcoming evil, and more importantly, when I believed in men in speedos.

I don't know if I've ever been happier than this:

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TV Show Idea

I'm fascinated by the lawyer who is representing the Arizona shooting lunatic. She has previously defended the Unabomber, the Olympic bomber Eric Rudolph, child killer Susan Smith, and the 20th hijacker Zacarias Moussaoui.

I love the idea of an entire law practice that is based around defending only absolute psychopaths who are obviously guilty.

Also, no one tell Jared Loughner, but by my count she is 0 for 4. She's had four pretty big swings and misses there. It's hard to cover up that google search, that's gonna stick out like a sore thumb.

Actually, she is known for getting the worst of the worst out of the death penalty. So on that count she has been very successful. But talk about setting the bar low. Does she go out and celebrate when they only get life in prison without the possibility of parole? I did it! You're welcome, now enjoy the next 60 years of ass rape and MSNBC documentary crews.

Anyway, it feels like there is a wacky David E. Kelley lawyer show in this. I'm thinking half hour, single camera. Lawyers devoting endless hours into defending guilty, so insane they're kinda funny criminals. It's all about small victories, and the situations are so horrific that the only way to deal with them is through comedy.

The first meeting with these people is a great start to any episode:

"It could be worse, you could've gotten on the plane"

Or

"Well, at least your kids aren't alive to see this...cause you killed them"

You get the idea. I would write this, but I think I already hate it.

And you just witnessed my process.

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New Shark Tank Tonight

My favorite show Shark Tank is back. They ran a "sneak preview" episode on Sunday, and now it's on Fridays (fun, fun, fun). Mark Cuban has been added to the sharks and he was actually great. I think he will rotate with Jeff Foxworthy for some reason, but regardless, it's a time tested formula. I love it. Watch it so it will stay on and I can keep watching it, and eventually get on with my "Upscale Chain of Bathrooms" idea.

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Who Cares About Lyrics?

I'm obligated to mention Rebecca Black and her smash hit, "Friday - which, full disclosure, the Tosh.0 blog helped popularize. We're sorry about that. If you've been in Libya the past week, here it is:



It's another unfortunate tale of someone doing something so awful that they become successful from it. I hate that. I wish there was some way where we could enjoy people sucking without them earning a living from it or benefiting in any way. Like, the cast of Jersey Shore, being on TV should be enough for them. They shouldn't get a salary or skanks from it.

Unfortunately, my dream society has not been invented yet. And we all enjoy Rebecca Black sucking, and she's getting everything she wanted in the first place. Well, except for respect, but that was never going to happen anyway. But I have to say, beneath the awful video and the even awfuller lyrics, there are some catchy things in there.

How much is it really different than any Ke$ha song? The answer: it's not. But most people don't want to face that sad reality. Rebecca Black is a joke, and Ke$ha is an artist. And also very unattractive. And annoying.

Here are some lyrics from Ke$ha's "Tik Tok":

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Put my glasses on, I’m out the door - I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back

Here's some lyrics from "Friday":

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Ke$ha:

Don’t stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, I’mma fight
‘Til we see the sunlight
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh

Rebecca:

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend


The point is, lyrics are dumb. They are. There's a reasons Jim Morrison couldn't hack it as a poet, it's cause he wasn't one.

I read album reviews in Entertainment Weekly, and it's always about what the artist is "talking about" on the record. That's how they are grading this shit. How about judging it on the music? I don't care what they're saying, can I break a motherfucker off on the dance floor to it? That's what's important.

How's the melody? People don't get rich off a shitty melody, but LFO had two hit songs talking about "When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet/Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets". That was a hit!

I'm pretty sure no one was blown away that he would like a girl because she wore Abercrombie and Fitch, but it was nice to sing along to.

Here's some more Ke$ha:

Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Really? A 25 year old girl wants a guy who looks like Mick Jagger? Uh, no, but it sure does rhyme with swagger!

And you might be saying, "but Irwin, Ke$ha and LFO aren't real music". All right, here are the best songwriters of all time:

Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you´ll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

That's not exactly a Billy Shakespeare sonnet, but it rhymes and it's catchy and that's all that matters.

Yes, "Friday" is terrible. But it's just kinda funny to be laughing at the lyrics, when most lyrics are pretty laughable.

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Me vs. Squirrel vs. Qaddafi

I've already outlined my tragic falling out with Pinkberry. And I promise you I have not been back since I posted about it. To recap, the people who worked there were too friendly. They would harass me about my day every time I went in there, and I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know why it was so important to them if I "had any plans later", but I've been a Yogurt Land man ever since.

Well, unfortunately I now have an issue with yet another chain snack place. This time, it's one of my favorites, Jamba Juice. I've professed my love of the Berry Lime Sublime here too many times to count. But sadly, those days might be coming to an end.

The reason: a squirrel.

My regular Jamba hang out is in Hermosa Beach. It is the most convenient place for me to stop and get Sublimed. Not anymore. A squirrel has positioned itself outside the store like a pit bull on patrol.

I was too busy fleeing the scene to get a great picture of the menace, but here's the best I could do:


Right there in the photo you can see the problem: some asshole is feeding this squirrel what I can only guess are Berry Lime Sublimes! I watched as he allowed the squirrel to crawl all over him as he fed it from his hands. If this doesn't seem troubling to you, then you should stop reading right now cause I'm going to yell at you.

But let's back up for a moment, because this wasn't my first run in with this squirrel. It has been bothering customers for months and I hate it with a Caribbean Passion.

The first incident happened when I was inside the store and it sprinted up to the front door and perched up on it's hind legs, practically begging to be invited in. Nobody paid much attention until a Mom and her young son were ready to leave. They tried to open the door but realized the squirrel was going to run in.

They were trapped. We were trapped.

The squirrel started nipping at their legs, and they didn't have the courage to charge through the door. Jamba should offer a bravery boost. Finally, a worker laughed, despite the situation she was Berry Upbeat. She offered to help and made a juice, a fucking juice!, and went outside and set it down so the squirrel could have at it. The rest of us used the diversion to Mango A Go Go out of the store as fast as we could.

The next time I went in, the squirrel was back. It waited outside, just staring me down. Everyone noticed. Inside with me were a bunch of Vons employees (Vons is right across the parking lot), and they were trading war stories about the squirrel. Apparently, a day earlier it had run up to this guy's feet and WENT INSIDE HIS PANT LEG and crawled up!

Do you know insane that is? These are my nightmares, and this happened. This was allowed to happen. And people are laughing about this.

So it's looking like my days there are numbered. I can't let that happen. If a squirrel goes up my leg, I will shit my pants. So that's it. I'm saying Aloha Pineapple to the place. And who's to blame? It's you, animal lover.

Squirrels are not pets! They have rabies. They are rats with cuter tails. Not everyone wants a dirty piece of vermin crawling all over them. I get that you do, but I don't. And you're behavior is now affecting me and a lot of the good people at Vons.

And there's a bigger lesson here. Humans need to knock it off with wanting to be so helpful. A lot of times, being helpful is the worst thing you can do in a situation. You give a squirrel food, and it will keep wanting to be given food. That leads to it charging into your local Jamba Juice and ruining my life.

I know it's very tempting when you see something in trouble to want to help it, but lot of times you are venturing into a world you really don't understand. So while you may get some satisfaction out of doing your good deed and solving a problem, you are actually creating a thousand others.

And that's why I don't think we should bomb Libya.

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An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 6

Here is Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4.and Chapter 5.

Are you sick of this yet? Well if you weren't before, you're about to be. Buckle in.

Picking up where we left off, Usher signed on to do the movie I rewrote, and the title changed from "Dying for Dolly" to "In the Mix".

Obviously, I was excited. There was an MTV news story (remember when MTV did news?) with Usher and they asked him about the movie, and he said "they sent me the script and I loved it". I kept that on my TiVo for the next 6 months.

Thinking about it now, someone saying they loved the script for "In the Mix" is pretty hilarious. But anyway, what's the first thing a movie studio does with a script everyone loves?

They rewrite it.

First up, a rewrite for Usher and his "people". His people consisted of an older, sassy black lady. Is there any other kind?

From what I remember, she didn't have a lot of notes, just one major note: Usher does not, she repeated, does not, sag his pants.

I didn't even realize it, but in one line of description, I had written that Usher's character's jeans sagged. This is a 100 page script. That was 2 words. And that was her issue, and she was adamant about it. The movie could not move forward until that was rewritten.

Okay, not so bad. I took about 2 seconds and made that major change.

Second round of notes. This time, with some whiz kids at Lionsgate. I get on the phone with them. I found out later that one of them wasn't too pleased with how I got involved with this movie (a friend's dad) and had an axe to grind. I guess one of his friends had been up for the rewrite and got rejected. So this led to a 2 hour, completely demeaning phone call where he ripped the script and me to shreds. It got weird and personal. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about that call.

I didn't know who this guy was, but I knew I was nobody, so I felt like I was in no position to go back at him. But I made it through that process, and rewrote the best I could.

Quick note here: I was doing all of this for essentially no money. And writing on "The Soup" at the same time. I probably wrote more pages during that period than I have since...I started writing these long ass chapters.

Third round of notes. Lionsgate hired a director. It was looking like it was going to be Howard Deutch, who directed Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, and other things John Hughes didn't feel like doing himself. But that fell through. Then it was going to be Ernest Dickerson, who directed a movie I love with 2pac called Juice, and who is black. That also fell through.

Finally, we "landed" Ron Underwood. The people at Lionsgate considered this a coup, and felt he would be able to take the small budget (it was $5 million) and make it look much bigger.

Mr. Underwood had made his name directing Tremors and City Slickers. But the reason he was having to slum it with In the Mix is because he was coming off an Eddie Murphy movie called Pluto Nash. In that film, he managed to take a giant budget ($100 million dollars) and make it look small (it grossed less than $10 million). It's one of the biggest disasters ever, unless you count the movies Eddie Murphy has done since.

I was summoned to meet with Ron and his line producer. Line producer is a fancy title, but in reality is just the money guy. They don't have any creative say in things, they're in charge of the budget and paying people and that's it.

They were very polite, and started going through their notes. And that's when I realized this movie was fucked.

Ron was a 55 year old white man. And he did not understand a single thing in the script. There was a scene with a Pimp My Ride reference, which was huge at the time and not yet hacky to make jokes about. He said he didn't get it, and made me change it. I tried to explain the show, to no avail.

There was a big scene involving black guys loving the movie Scarface, he didn't understand it and it was quickly eliminated. And on, and on.

I know I am a half Jewish white dude from the suburbs and probably not the authority on black things, but still. It was a generational issue as much as anything, and the cool/funny/relevant parts of the script were all cut out.

And then things got worse.

The Line Producer interrupted the proceedings to lecture me about "subtext". When I say lecture me, I mean talk to me like I was the biggest idiot in the world. Keep in mind, this was a dumb movie about a black DJ somehow going out with a mob boss's daughter, not the God Damn King's Speech. Subtext was the least of the problems.

I can't fully explain how bad it was, this isn't me just being a baby. He was acting like they were all just doing me a favor letting me try to rewrite this thing. I know for a fact that it would never have happened to a writer with any experience. He just knew he could get away with it and he could flex his muscles, so he used the opportunity to treat me like a piece of crap.

And this really is why the process was so brutal for me. Getting notes and doing tons of rewrites is always hard, but it's the job. My problem was that every step of the way, I wasn't treated like a real writer. I was just some friend of the Executive Producer. So every second I was being reminded that I was just lucky to be there.

What pisses me off even more is that Line Producer has gone on to huge success. He produced another script with tons of subtext, High School Musical.

Once again, I took it and did the best I could with the rewrite, which I think is what a professional writer does. But it was a turning point, and I knew the movie was going to be bad. But really, I didn't know the half of it.

Because unbeknownst to me, I wasn't the only one doing rewrites. They had hired multiple black women to rewrite all of the black dialogue. And they hired an Italian woman to rewrite all of the dialogue between Italians. Well, there were only black people and Italians in the movie! So you can pretty much figure out what happened to "my" script. I assure you though, all of the half Jewish dialogue, that's totally me.

Meanwhile, Lionsgate thought they really had something here. And so did Fox. So they got together and made it a co-production and upped the budged to $10 million dollars. Shooting started at the end of 2004. The movie was set in New York, but it was shot in LA.

The dad was going to be played by James Caan, and then Dennis Hopper, and then Chazz Palminteri.

Usher read with with a few prospective female leads. Eliza Dushku was in the running. Maria Menounos really wanted to break into acting and do the role. But Emmanuel Chriqui came in and blew everyone away. She was curvy and hot, and she and Usher had chemistry.

I went to the set a few times, met Usher, and Emmanuelle Chriqui, and Chazz Palminteri. That was neat. Everyone was really nice, and trying really hard. Only one problem, since her audition, Emmanuelle had freaked out a little bit and dropped about 15 pounds. Suddenly, the curvy girl was rail thin. It wasn't a good look.

Okay, fast forward a few months. I was invited to the editing bay to watch a rough cut. This just happened to coincide with me starting up this very blog. And I wrote a very melodramatic post about that screening.

This is from April 20th, 2005:

I watched In The Mix in an edit bay with the director and the editor.

Okay, first the good news - it's not as horrible as expected. It looks and feels like a real movie. A lot of the truly hack shit they wrote and shot didn't make it in. It's possible that this thing could actually come out in theaters, and with the right trailer, it would make a shit load of money (ha!) just because of the music and Usher.

Now, the bad news. They ruined the fucking movie! After the first 20 minutes I was thinking: "You know what? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they knew what they were doing. I'm man enough to admit that I was wrong and they were right." And then the next 77 minutes happened.

They kept the basic structure of the movie and then took what was funny and good and made logical sense and made it not funny, less good, and nonsensical. Obviously, I'm not impartial. But I've been writing for long enough now that I know when stuff is better than mine. I've written things and then (my boss) or others have put their spin on it and I see that they are real writers and I am something adjacent to writer.

I have a huge respect for good shit. I think a lot of the stuff I do is crap. Trust me, this is not better. And the shame of it is, it's done for no reason. They even ignored a lot of their own notes. Actually, most of their own notes.

Second piece of bad news: the female lead doesn't look good. I think there was only one moment where I actually had a notion in my head that I wanted to fuck her. And that was in the middle of it. This is a problem. You don't understand why this dude would want to risk stuff for this girl. Especially when the black girl who wants him is the hottest girl I've ever seen. It doesn't add up, people!

Third piece of bad news: it's slow. It needs to be 10 minutes shorter. At least. I think that will be fixed. But it was slow even with the "temp" music that was in it. They had my boy Fiddy in there, the Game, Usher's songs, the best shit you can have and it was still slow. They are negotiating for a soundtrack right now and that is going to be key. If they don't have good music in there, it will be fucked. Pray for music.

Someone told me I'm sounding bitter. Damn fucking right. I worked my ass off on this thing when everyone had given it up for dead! There's probably nothing I could've done differently, but at a certain point I could've stood up to and said "you guys are wrong. do what you want to do, but I'm not involved anymore."

It was hard to know to do that, especially since it was my first time in this world. And now after seeing the cut of the film, what they've done, I see that had no clue what they were talking about. None. They wanted the comfort of having some piece of shit who sits in the writer's room at CSI (the Italian girl who did a rewrite wrote on CSI) to do their bidding. That makes them feel better than some guy from The Soup.

Sorry, I'm getting off my point. I'm embarrassed to tell people about this whole thing because they get the wrong idea. True, it is a great thing and I would never, ever trade it for anything in the world, but honestly, it's been one of the worst experiences of my life.



Wow, I was really a bitter whiny sad sack. Thanks, In the Mix! But I forgot to mention the worst part of all when I saw it the first time:

Usher's pants sagged!

On the next chapter, things go from bad to worse. A lot worse...

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Bachelor Aftermath

Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in!

I saw an interview with the creator of The Bachelor today, and this caught my eye:

Why did you choose Ashley H. as your bachelorette?

I don’t know, she’s kind of cool, she’s spunky and she’s got a lot personality. It’s also the first time we had an actual professional woman as a bachelorette. She’s not a party planner, she’s a dentist! That’s a good step for us. I think it’s a cool good lesson for young ladies out there to see an accomplished woman still struggling to put the personal side of her life together. That’s something a lot of women can relate to. She will be a different kind of bachelorette!

Yeah, a different kind of bachelorette, the unappealing kind.

Okay, first of all, she's in dental school. She's not a dentist yet. That's a student, not a "professional" woman.

Second of all, a party planner earns a living. A student doesn't. I don't think there's any shame in having an actual job.

Didn't Ali work at Facebook? Yeah, she quit to do the show, but she had a real job, but being on TV for a living is probably a better job.

Third, is this how low young ladies' expectations are right now? They have to look up to a dental student? Aim high, folks. Maybe someday, with a little spunk and hard work, you ladies can have the right to vote or get married without a dowry.

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Bachelor Brad, After the Final Rose

The finale pretty much covered it, and there's not a lot of drama left. Except for one thing...

Who will be the next Bachelorette?

We thought Emily would do it, but she has to be with Brad for 5 months before they break up. Will they go with Chantal? Why wouldn't they? Is it the weight factor?

Michelle would be strong, I'd watch that. Shawntel wouldn't be the worst thing. But if it's Ashley you are going to see me lose my fricking mind.

Chantal comes out, and she's still sad. She cries. She hasn't spoken to Brad since South Africa. Brad comes out. And Chantal's first question is the perfect one: "when did you know it wasn't going to be me?"

Brad says, "that's a tough one, because I don't want to hurt you". Ha! That means he knew for a long ass time. He says "I knew very early on that I had feelings for Emily". Yikes.

He does a bad thing and ends it with "I wanted you to stick around". That was the wrong thing to say. But clearly that's what he meant. He knew it was Emily the whole time, and liked hanging out with Chantal better than the other girls.

This whole thing is really unfair to Brad. I mean, he's engaged now. You can't answer these questions without hurting someone's feelings. It's impossible.

Chantal breaks down again. It's so weird, now it feels like Brad never gave a shit about her at all. Either he's lying to make Emily feel better, or they just did a great job of editing. I'm thinking editing. Finally, he just says "I fell in love with someone else!"

Whoa! Brad just drops a bombshell. He says "I've heard your happy to. He's a very lucky guy". Apparently, Chantal has met another dude and she's in love. So what the hell are you crying about? If I was the new boyfriend I'd be pissed.

So Chantal is not the bachelorette.

Another bombshell! Brad and Emily have already broken up! But they're back together. Brad says it's been a rollercoaster. They were gonna get married on this show, but they're not. And they broke up. And got back together.

Okay, I seriously underestimated this After the Final Rose.

Oh man, she is so dumping him in a few months. You know the Bachelor producers made them get back together.

Brad says they're still engaged, but he can't speak for her. He's not gonna let her go, he's fighting tooth and nail. You're done, dummy. It's gonna be back to the therapist for you.

I feel so vindicated by this.

If it wasn't for Taco Tuesdays on that Bachelor set, Chantal would be with Brad right now.

Emily comes out, if it's possible she looks even better than usual. Emily is not into him at all, and Brad is miserable. Poor bastard.

She says she considers herself engaged, and Brad breathes a sigh of relief. This is not normal engaged couple behavior.

Emily says she's not ready to get married to Brad right now. And she says it emphatically.

Emily is quickly going from America's sweetheart to a cold hearted bitch. What a turn! It's like Brenda Walsh from season 1 to season 2.

I think Emily likes being on TV.

Chris Harrison has a noticeably fuller head of hair. A Joel McHale head of hair.

I'm sorry, but these two aren't together. She's mad about what Brad did on the show. What a fucking princess.

Chris asks what needs to be worked out. Emily says Brad has a temper. She makes him sound like OJ. Brad says it's "been pretty volatile", and Emily "knock down drag out fights". Good Lord, this is a disaster.

Think about if he picked Shawntel, how grateful she would've been. He wouldn't hear any lip, just like he always wanted. He'd be so happy.

By the way, this is the most we've ever heard Emily talk about any non dead fiance subjects.

Oh shit, they're dredging up Trista and Ryan. Can't they go away? Damn. And they also bring out Jason and Molly, and Ali and Roberto. Where's Byron and Mary?

Shut up, Jason. Nobody likes you. Chris basically calls him "the most hated man in America". I love it.

I'm too uncomfortable to watch Ryan give advice. Please, stop.

They watch their proposal again. You can tell that Brad is just crushed, and Emily is smiling like everything is great, completely dead inside.

They don't announce the Bachelorette on this show, they save it for Jimmy Kimmel. But I just found out. And the next Bachelorette is...

ASHLEY

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so upset. What the hell? Ashley? She was a nothing! America didn't fall in love with her! She's the next Jillian!

I don't understand this. Who thought she broke out on this show at all? Nobody! Seriously, I'm so confused by this.

Michelle would've brought crazy. Shawntel would've brought sweet and somewhat cute. Ashley brings nothing except awful bangs!

I'm so pissed. I might boycott. This is bumming me out.

Goodnight.

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Bachelor Brad, His 2nd Most Dramatic Finale Ever

This is gonna be a long one. And before we begin, I've been going back and forth on these two ladies, so let's quickly review what the producers have thrown at us:

Chantal and Brad seemed to have the best connection early on.

Emily and Brad love the way each other looks, but there hasn't been a lot of substance there.

Chantal has told Brad she loves him a million times, but he hasn't said it back. Emily has told him she loves him once, and he said it back.

They keep teasing something going horribly wrong between Emily and Brad in the finale, but they teased something very similar for the episode where he met the kid. It has to be an editing manipulation.

I'm stalling. Basically, in my opinion, it's been Chantal the whole time, and that's why she's been crying and freaking out - because she knew it was her, and yet Brad had to go through this whole charade.

However, can Brad really reject a ridiculously hot trophy wife with money and a sob story? Wouldn't he be scared of the wrath of the American public after last time? It seems impossible. And yet, I'm sticking with my gut, and saying he chooses Chantal, and Emily is the Bachelorette. Let's see what happens...

South Africa. Brad has always wanted to visit this city. Yes, Texas and South Africa actually do have a lot in common, except in South Africa, apartheid has ended.

Brad's family shows up, and there he is, it's Chad (or is it Brad?)! It's like Brad is looking into a mirror...one of those fun house mirrors, where you look completely different.

They are identical twins who don't look at all the same, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Chad might be even better looking.

Finally, Brad cries. A lot. Something about seeing his family has broken him. Paging, Brad's therapist.

Brad says he is 100% ready to propose, and that Chantal and Emily could not be more different. This is true. One has a kid, one doesn't. One has a dead fiance, one has an alive ex husband. One comes with a lot baggage, and the other has Chantal's butt.

Chantal meets the family first. She's that girl who is good with meeting parents, like, so good that it's a little suspicious.

God damn Chad is dreamy. Can we get a peek at shirtless Chad? He has a Jesse (from Bachelor Pad) vibe to him. I feel bad for the ugly brother. He's shorter and wider, but he does have the good family hair.

I feel like if there was a reality show on the Logo network called "Brad and Chad (or is it Chad and Brad?)" it would be hugely successful.

Chantal and Brad's mom are instantly besties. Between Chad and Logo and using the word "besties", I might need to reevaluate my life.

If you were judging just by that, you'd say Chantal is the winner. But now it's Emily's turn...

She looks as sweet as usual, but she's nervous. You know who should be nervous right now? Chad's wife. Cause Chad is just a little too interested in Emily's story.

Emily breaks the news that she is tainted with a child. They are taken aback. Brad's brother, the ugly one, asks if the baby daddy is gonna be okay with her moving to Austin. And Brad gets super awkward with it. Like, really awkward. It's uncomfortable.

But Emily is cool, and eagerly tells the whole story because it's the only thing she's able to talk about.

Emily is throwing the "y'alls" around like candy at Halloween. She knows what these rednecks want to hear, and it's lots and lots of y'alls.

Brad says that he loves that Emily is a "real lady". See, this is the problem. He wants a lady. That should be last on the list of things you want. Ladies don't work. And ladies aren't fun to have sex with. Ladies just lay there and don't want things to get messy. Sluts love messiness.

Uh oh. Chantal's "bestie" starts crying because Emily called Brad her "angel". She's fallen into the dead fiance trap. That's all she has! Stop falling for it!

Commercial for Shark Tank! Can't wait for that.

Brad's family huddles up to talk about the 2 girls. The ugly brother says that with Chantal they can run around and "sow some oats". He's 38! The oats are stale.

Ugly brother's wife says that Emily really "understands our world". What did I tell you about those y'alls, y'all? Ah, stupid southerners.

The family seems to like Emily more. Especially Chad. Can't wait 'till he sympathy bangs her.

And now, they're making it seem like it's Emily.

Final date time. First up, Chantal. She meets Brad in a field and they run towards each other and she jumps in his arms. He goes down in a heap, his lower back couldn't take the weight.

They go on a boat, see a shark, so of course they're going swimming with them. Yeah, I'm sure the good people of South Africa keep this completely safe. Third world countries are all about safety.

Brad says Chantal is adventurous, and she might get in there and even wrestle one. Ironically, I hung out with my little nephews this weekend and they said a shark would lose in a fight with a killer whale, so maybe he's right.

In the wetsuits with the masks, you can't tell which is Brad and which is Chantal. I was admiring her breasts, and it turned out to be his gorgeous man boobs.

By the way, there's no way in a million years that Emily would do this. I don't fault her for it, but Brad might. He does say danger is a major factor in good relationships.

"When I look at Chantal, I see a lifetime of a excitement, and I love it"

Interesting to note the similarities between Chantal and DeAnna. Both were tough on Brad, both have a chubby gene.

They spend their last night together before decision time. Chantal writes Brad a nice note, and Brad calls her "Shanny". Chantal says she'll be crushed if he doesn't tell her he loves her. And they linger on a shot and with some music, they are really setting it up like, "she's screwed".

Next, Emily's turn. And of course, they go on the Bachelor Copter.

Brad says their relationship has come slowly but it has come so far. Not really. "I'm attracted to you" "My fiance died and I have a kid" "Come here to me, please". End of relationship.

Emily starts telling Brad all the bad things about having a kid. Brad shivers in disgust. I can't have beers whenever I want! This is madness! It is, Brad, it is.

But later that night, Brad goes on and on about how he's gonna be a great father. And he all but says he's gonna pick Emily. She says, "what do you think that means? what do you think being a father means?"

Brad stops in his tracks, and says some bullshit about loving and protecting and stuff. Guard and protect your heart! He thinks he knows what being a father is, but how could he? His father ditched his ass. He doesn't know. He and Chad fended for themselves.

Emily keeps repeating, "being a parent isn't always fun". Man, she hates her kid. No wonder she ran off and did this show, she just wanted the alone time.

Brad freaks out. He doesn't like to be questioned! A real lady does not question her man.

Well, this sucks. It's obviously Emily. Brad is laying it on the line here. He's saying he wants to be a dad, and even he can't believe he's saying it. And he can't understand how she isn't blown away by this, because he's been the anti-father his whole life. But regardless, it's clear. Chantal is going to cry her fat little heart out. Can't help but think she ate her way out of this.

Brad picks a ring, just like he did the last time he did this show. Somewhere, DeAnna's vagina just dried up...and she blinked.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

And the first lady out of the limo is...

CHANTAL

Man, I just don't see what he has with Emily. I think he's making the same mistakes. He's all about looks. They don't have anything real. She wasn't doing the fun stuff with him.

But I have to say, the dress Chantal is wearing...you don't wear that to the final rose ceremony and win. You just don't. There are feathers involved. Once again, I blame the Bachelor caterers for her loss.

Brad gives Chantal the big speech, and then lays the boom "I have stronger feelings for someone else". And finally, Chantal cries when she's supposed to. Brad gives her a sympathy "please".

It was obviously over when he told Emily he loved her and didn't tell Chantal. But I was holding out hope. But if life has taught us anything, it's that big is not beautiful.

Nothing worse than getting dumped and then getting on a plane for 20 hours. I hope Chris Harrison is there to pick up the pieces.

After seeing this, you really get that DeAnna never had a chance. The man needs a trophy. Where is that God damn therapist?!

"This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do...since the last time I had to do it...twice"

Emily pulls up. She wears the right dress. He can barely kiss and hug her! It's like she's a fragile little doll.

Crazy that he's 14 years older than her. Makes me think I need a 20 year old.

Brad gives Em the big speech. And I think she's right, he's gonna be sorely disappointed about what being married and a dad is really like. Cause it has nothing to do with the flowery shit he's saying.

He gets down on one knee, and she says yes, and then he says..."COME HERE TO ME, PLEASE!!!"

It's like he knew that's his catchphrase.

I would not be surprised if this doesn't work out and Emily dumps him. No one can compete with that dead fiance.

I'm sorry, but it's pretty funny that the two best looking people in the world have a kid with that face. It's like Christie Brinkley and Alexa Ray Joel.

All right, that's the show. I really enjoyed this season, I hope you did too. For whatever reason, I enjoy Brad and I think they did their best casting job in years with the ladies. Please discuss.

Now it's time for After the Final Rose...

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Some Very Late Oscar Notes

Obviously, the show was a disaster. I hated Hathaway and Franco before the ceremony, and I hate them more after it. There was just no reason for that. But this is what happens when people get offended by comedy and want to keep things safe.

As for the actual awards, I saw every Best Picture nominee except for Winter's Bone. Social Network was the best movie of the year. King's Speech was a nice, solid movie, but it was not great. It took a boring subject and made it slightly less boring. It's a well made, well acted, by the numbers film. Nothing special. If it was made with good looking people with American accents, it wouldn't have even been nominated.

Moving on, I have never been a big Russell Crowe fan. However, he has gone from being totally overrated to totally underrated. For the second year in a row, he was in one of my favorite movies of the year that was completely ignored.

Last year, it was State of Play. I still say that was the best film of that year, criminally ignored. And this year, it was The Next Three Days.

Now, I'm not saying The Next Three Days was the best film this year, but it was pretty darn entertaining. I was uncomfortable the entire time watching it, but in a good way. Mostly because I did not want him to go through with the plan at all. Just a bad idea. But, compelling.

I don't feel too bad for Russell though, because he did make Robin Hood.

One other thing. I was thinking about the Best Short Film category, and how no one sees those. Why isn't there a best trailer category? Aren't those short films? And aren't those just as vitally important as make up or special effects or anything else?

Two years in a row we've had two of the best trailers I've ever seen. This year it was The Town. And last year, no one would have seen Liam Neeson's Taken without that amazing trailer. There may have been some debate on Best Picture, but it's nice to have some clarity in the Best Trailer category.

That is all...

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Please Watch Tonight's Web Redemption

Tonight, we redeem Phil Davison...



I worked directly on this one, and it's a personal favorite. We can never be sure what we're going to get when we fly these people to LA. Are they the crazy person from the video? Are they willing to make fun of themselves? Are we going to offend them and the bit will die?

We were especially worried since Phil is (sort of) a politician that he wasn't going to be up for any wacky hijinks. We were wrong. Phil is wackier than all of us. He is a true character, and I love him.

I don't know how a dude like this is holed up in Minerva, Ohio, but I am fascinated. Someone needs to do a documentary on him and get to the bottom of everything, because there is a lot going on there.

Anyway, check it out if you have a chance, 10pm tonight on Comedy Central.

Also, I have a cameo in this one. I'm standing next to Phil during his speech, and I'm driving the car. That will make more sense when you see it.

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Bachelor Brad, The Girls Tell All

I don't normally recap the Girls Tell All episode, but I'm gonna give it a whirl in honor of Brad...

Chris' hair has a little extra spike tonight. He looks like Chris Hardwicke's healthy looking brother.

Chris announces that there's an entire "Bachelor Nation". The Nation! Supposedly it's 500 strong. And he says there's a never ending supply for Bachelor Pad!

They cut to a montage of some weird party involving all of the Nation. And immediately we see Deaf Frog Voice Guy. Good Lord, this is unexpectedly amazing.

Holy shit, this might be the greatest montage I've ever seen. There's so many faces flashing before me, it's hard to understand what I'm seeing. There's Rosalyn! That girl who got kicked off for kissing the producer. Guess she settled her beef with The Bachelor and joined...The Nation.

Vienna! Gross.

The Ugly Manning brother.

Holy fuck, I just saw Deaf Frog voice guy kissing that crazy Erica bitch from the Prince's season. He's guarding and protecting her tongue.

Rosalyn needs to be the next Bachelorette. She's fantastic.

This quote gets randomly thrown into this insane mix:

"Vienna was best friends with Gia, and then slept with Wes behind her back".

What is happening? Does Vienna look a thousand times better in person than on TV? That's the only acceptable explanation. In no logical universe should she ever be wiener cousins with Gia.

Alli and Roberto are in love. They have to be having a terrible time at that party, everyone else is getting naked and making out.

End montage. This show is all downhill from here, because that was fantastic. That should've been it's own show. Oh yeah, it is. It's the Bachelor Pad. Maybe they should just follow these people around at all times, because the camera shot of Wes banging Vienna behind Gia's back is worth the effort.

Chris introduces the dumpees. I barely remember most of them. Oh there's Britt! And the girl who likes sports but was born without a tongue.

Ashley H. has gotten a crazy makeover and looks terrible. Her hair is browner, and she's gone with bangs. Why? This just proves Brad was right to send her ass home.

Marissa speaks! She just talked more than she did on the 6 episodes she was on.

Lisa claims that Michelle was just being sarcastic, the other girls disagree. They didn't appreciate all the shit talking that was done behind their backs. Jackie piles on and compares her to a spider, and we have the first tears of the night!

Michelle breaks down...which causes Ashley to break down. It's like the barf o'rama scene from "Stand By Me" except with mascara.

Michelle uses the ol' I missed my daughter excuse. Not sure how that relates, but okay.

For some reason, they interview Melisa. It's boring. Raichel blames her for "ruining my chances with the Bachelor". No she didn't. It was your face that ruined it.

Jackie's really trying to step up her game with a lot of talking, someone is looking to lock in a spot on Bachelor Pad.

Melisa cries. We're at 3.

It's Michelle's turn on the hot seat. Good news: the zit between her eyes is finally gone. Bad news: she has cry eyes. Also, she keeps blaming her daughter for everything. There's a very good chance that Chris Harrison is hitting on Michelle right now.

Here's a quote that sums up the evening: "Do i really want monkeys to attack Chantal? No!"

Michelle put pressure on herself because she left her daughter, just in case you didn't hear it the 7th time. Jeez, what happened to that kid while she was on the show? Did her daughter fuck Carlos Boozer?

I think Michelle is trying to score an acting gig off of this performance. She's wants to replace Teri Hatcher on Desperate Housewives.

While Michelle sobs, Stacey just starts abusing her. Chris is offended, and protects Michelle. He glares at them and is all, "guys? really?" He's totally trying to get it in with her.

A debate breaks out about Michelle's "mothering". Is anyone gonna bring Emily into this conversation? No. Why? Because she didn't wish for monkey attacks.

This show is actually too much Michelle.

Chris is going Mark Geragos right now, he's Michelle's defense lawyer.

Interesting to note that Michelle considers Emily to be her best friend in the house. Black Swan/White Swan.

For some unknown reason, Ashley S. goes to the hot seat. Immediately, she cries. She has a crazy southern accent now. She whines about all of her bad relationships. At the beginning, the guys think she's a great catch. And then they realize "they don't want to be in a relationship and cheat on me". I guarantee you those "guys" would have a different version of that story.

Ashley wants more closure with Brad. The closure was "I'm not giving you a rose", you shouldn't need more than that.

2 hours is way too long for this. Ashley H. is next on the hot seat. She's like a different person with this look, she could pass for an orthodontist now.

She cries. 5.

Ashley explains that she was worried about getting hurt and was insecure and that's why she blew it. She's got a lot of regrets, thank God she has that huge career to fall back on.

That carnival date must've really been something. They're playing that thing up like it was Leo and Kate on the God damn Titanic.

Ashley gets excited when talking about her hair color. I disagree. Who am I kidding? It's the bangs that are ruining it.

Finally, Brad comes out. Wait. No Shawntel on the hot seat? That's a serious oversight. You know they shot that, it must have not resulted in bawling so it was left on the cutting room floor.

Ashley S. asks Brad for closure, and he says "man, this really is the hot seat!" I told ya.

There is no drama, Brad loves everyone and everyone loves Brad. But he does announce that he has found the girl of his dreams, etc.

The blooper reel is good, and we get a sneak peak at Brad's identical twin, Chad. I'm telling you, the surprise in the finale might be that it was Chad the whole time.

The Shawntel lovers out there must be sorely disappointed. Not only did she get zero air time, it also spells doom for her Bachelorette chances. A shocking turn of events.

Next week: Chantal or Emily? We get an answer. My pick: Chantal eats Emily. Literally. With ketchup. And then little Ricky for dessert.

I really want to stick to my guns, but after seeing that tease it has to be Emily, right? You can't reject the dead fiance girl. You also can't look at Emily and Chantal in their dresses and pick Chantal. Well either way, I will enjoy it.

To everyone in The Nation, good night!

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An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 5

Here is Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, and Chapter 4.

Picking up where we left off...I became friendly with a girl I worked with at "Celebrities Uncensored", and she used to work at an agency. She had a lot of great connections, and was kind enough to read my screenplays and give them to her friends. She thought I was a good writer and respected my opinion, and gave me the script her dad was producing called "Dying for Dolly" to see what I thought.

Obviously, I thought it was awful, cause it was. And we compared notes about it.

I found myself in an interesting position. I had no agent. No prospects. I was writing screenplays that were going nowhere. And yet I was within spitting distance of a green lit movie that needed a rewrite on the cheap. And even though I was young and an idiot, I knew that there are very few of those around.

Thus, I volunteered my services. And I got no response. Who was I? No one. But I really had nothing to lose. So I thought of a genius idea: I would write a few sample scenes of what I would do with the rewrite.

I quickly got to work and wrote two pretty big scenes. They came rather easily, and I thought they were good. I gave them to my friend, and she gave them to her dad. He liked them too, but wasn't willing to give me a shot.

The movie stalled. They had writers do some rewrites, but it wasn't going well. I figured I had two options: I could turn another one of my ideas into a screenplay, or I could write a new "Dying for Dolly" screenplay and hand it to Lionsgate, even though they didn't ask me for it.

The answer seemed pretty obvious. I had written 4 scripts to that point, and didn't have much to show for them. So who cares if I rewrote this and nothing happened? It was worth the risk.

So I did it. I just started writing. I used the character names from the original script and the basic plot, and wrote my own version. It seems a little crazy thinking about it now.

Meanwhile, "Celebrities Uncensored" got canceled. I've written about this before, but that show and Howard Stern were the highest rated shows on E! However, they didn't care. It was vitally important to them that their audience be 35 year old women with 2 cats, and those shows were not bringing in that crowd. Also, CU was screwing over E! news because so many celebrities hated the show. Alas, they got rid of us and Howard.

I was unemployed again. But a friend came to the rescue. It really is all about who you know. Everywhere I've gotten in this place is because of friends, which is weird because I'm not good at making friends.

This was another girl who worked on "Celebrities Uncensored". E! was doing a pilot for a new series and they needed someone to write jokes. She told them about me, and they asked for a sample. I wrote 10 jokes and sent them over. Here are 2 of the jokes that I submitted:

JC Chasez had to change the cover of his new CD after complaints from schizophrenics. They weren’t upset about the use of Schizophrenia to sell records so much as they were troubled by the fact that JC Chasez has a solo CD.

The Simple Life had to halt production because star Paris Hilton was bucked off her horse. Paris came away from the incident with no serious injuries. However, the horse tested positive for herpes.

Brilliant, right? Herpes! Who can resist herpes jokes?

I was in San Francisco visiting my parents and my phone rang. "Hey Irwin, we liked your jokes and the job is yours. But you have to be here tomorrow morning or we're giving your job to someone else". It's so nice to be respected and valued, but that's how the good folks at E! operate.

I changed my plane ticket and headed home that night.

I went in the next morning, excited that my official title was "writer", and discovered that the guy who hired me and the new Executive Producer of the show hated each other. There was a war going on and I was suddenly in the middle of it.

They were in the final days of casting the host of the show, and it was down to two people. A guy you might recognize named Jack Plotnick, and a guy who no one would recognize, at least at the time, Joel McHale.

The next day, Joel was chosen. The day after that, the Executive Producer came into my office and said, "have fun! I'm outta here!" And quit.

We were supposed to shoot the pilot in 3 days, and we had nothing, and now no executive producer.

Joel came in, and he and I wrote the thing as fast as we could. We shot it and it seemed okay enough, and E! told me "we'll let you know if anything happens with this".

And I was unemployed again.

Funny, at the time I thought the movie was my big chance. But it turned out, this stupid E! thing was the real opportunity.

Anyway, I finished the screenplay as fast as I could and gave it to Lionsgate. And they liked it. At least, they liked it better than the original. And things were starting to look really good for me...

And then this happened:

DMX Arrested for Alleged Carjacking
Rapper and actor DMX was arrested on charges that he and another man tried to steal a car in a parking lot at Kennedy Airport, authorities said.

DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, and Jackie Hudgins were arrested Thursday night after Port Authority police interrupted a dispute between the two and another man whose car they allegedly tried to steal, authorities said.

A preliminary investigation indicated that Simmons may have identified himself as a federal agent, according to Tony Ciavolella, a Port Authority spokesman.

Simmons and Hudgins were arrested on charges of attempted robbery, criminal impersonation and criminal mischief, he said. They were in custody and were expected to be taken to central booking in Queens late Thursday.

The movie was dead.

But there was a silver lining: The producer at Lionsgate told me, "well, if we ever do make this movie, we're gonna use your script".

Around this time the pilot I did with Joel got picked up. It was called "The What the F- Awards?". Three or four episodes later, E! got a new President. And he decided to tie it in with the old "Talk Soup" and call it "The Soup". That was smart. But then he decided to fuck Chelsea Handler. That was dumb.

I was writing on "The Soup", and it was fun. We had a great time, and a very, very talented group of people. But we assumed we weren't that talented because we were working at E!

Meanwhile, I would just literally email the names of famous black guys to the people at Lionsgate. Hey, what about Method Man? Red Man? Flavor Flav? Urkel?

That summer, Usher came out with an album called "Confessions" that absolutely blew up. I emailed them Usher's name. I'm sure it had nothing to do with me, but suddenly they were interested in Usher to do the movie and he was interested back. It seemed like a miracle.

They offered him a million dollars to do it, and he agreed. "Dying for Dolly" was back on again, but now it was called "In the Mix".

In the next chapter: the dream comes true, and it becomes a nightmare...

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She's All Whispered Out

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An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 4

Here is Chapter 1, Chapter 2, and Chapter 3...

I just read an article written by a guy in Austin, Texas, about how you don't need to live in Los Angeles to make it as a screenwriter in Hollywood. He was lecturing his readers about how to do it, and about how he had done it...and he's 26 years old. And his proof of "making it" was that one of his scripts got optioned.

Well that just happens to be where our story left off. I was around that age, and one of my scripts got optioned. And thank God I didn't write any articles about it, because I probably would have sounded as dumb and naive as that guy.

Getting your script optioned ain't making it, as I soon learned. It was nice to get paid, even a tiny amount, for something I wrote. But in the grand scheme of things, it didn't mean shit for me or my career.

I didn't have an agent. And there was little to no chance that the script would actually get turned into something. But I didn't know that at the time. I was all, "it's happening!" But it wasn't.

As mentioned previously, after being so close to the brass ring of a sitcom job, I was unceremoniously dumped on the street without work or any prospects. Luckily, through a friend I landed at E! on a show called "Celebrities Uncensored", which really was the forerunner to TMZ.

If I had been really smart, I would've parlayed that into TMZ and become a millionaire. But alas, Harvey Levin beat me to it.

"Celebrities Uncensored" was a show featuring paparazzi footage narrated by an omnipresent, wacky Voice Over Guy. I don't like to brag about this, but we really are the reason Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and various others got famous. Because we would sit and look at this footage and there was absolutely nothing good in it, but Paris and Nicole were in all of it. So we had to put them on because we had nothing else. Unfortunately for the world, that lead us to where we are today.

The craziest part is that I loved my job. I loved it. I think it was the first job where I had some creative control, and where I was actually good at what I was doing - I was one of the worst assistants of all time. I don't know how to make coffee, probably because I've never had a sip of it in my life. And that douche was right not to hire me, because there's no way I could've fixed his fax machine. But as odd as it may seem, I don't think I've enjoyed working as much as I did at that God awful TV show.

I would write the shit out of that wacky voice over. And other people on the show would have me punch up their scripts, or just write for them entirely. I was a machine. But it is troubling to find out that what you excel at in life is being able to recognize Rod Stewart's daughter and make jokes about her. But at least I had something. I had found my niche, and it was low paying.

Strangely enough, the ratings for "Celebrities Uncensored" were huge. But E! hated the show. It was ruining their relationships with celebrities. People were starting to refuse to do interviews with E! news. Rene Zellweger claimed she needed 5 bodyguards because of the show. I have no idea why, except for maybe she's out of her God Damn mind.

I made a lot of great friends working there. One of them was a nice young lady whose father happened to be a big shot at Lionsgate. He was on the non-creative side things there, but was starting to venture into actually producing features for them. His first foray was Tyler Perry's first movie, which made way too much money.

And he had his second lined up, but the screenplay was in horrible shape (apparently a horrible script didn't stop them from making the Tyler Perry movie, but that's another story).

The movie was going to star DMX and was called "Dying for Dolly".

"Dying for Dolly"

LOGLINE:

An Italian mob boss's daughter falls in love with her bodyguard, a black dude.

Here's what happened:

The smart people at Lionsgate did a study and found that if you had DMX on the cover of your movie at Blockbuster, it was guaranteed to make a certain amount of money. So as long as you produced it for less than $5 million dollars, you had yourself a tidy profit.

I know what you're thinking, that sounds like an awesome way to make award winning films! But hey, it is a business.

I know what you're also thinking, DMX? What the hell? Keep in mind this was 2003 and DMX wasn't a full on crackhead yet. He just did that Jet Li movie and was something of a name, I guess. I don't approve of any of this, I'm just telling you the facts.

I know what you're also thinking, what's Blockbuster? Again, this was 2003, Netflix wasn't around yet.

So Lionsgate went to DMX and said, we want to make a movie with you. DMX said, "X gonna give it to you!!!" No, he said, great, and I have the perfect script!

It turns out, some friend of DMX had written a piece of garbage script and DMX gave it to Lionsgate and said, we have a deal as long as I get to make this movie. And Lionsgate said yes.

So they had their DMX vehicle, but they felt like it was too embarrassing to make with that script. They needed a rewrite, a complete and total rewrite.

And that's when "Celebrity's Uncensored" finest star stepped in...

In the next chapter, I rewrite the thing, everyone loves it, and then DMX carjacks someone at the Newark airport and gets thrown in jail...

(The next chapter will be sometime this week)

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