Bachelor Brad, The Girls Tell All

I don't normally recap the Girls Tell All episode, but I'm gonna give it a whirl in honor of Brad...

Chris' hair has a little extra spike tonight. He looks like Chris Hardwicke's healthy looking brother.

Chris announces that there's an entire "Bachelor Nation". The Nation! Supposedly it's 500 strong. And he says there's a never ending supply for Bachelor Pad!

They cut to a montage of some weird party involving all of the Nation. And immediately we see Deaf Frog Voice Guy. Good Lord, this is unexpectedly amazing.

Holy shit, this might be the greatest montage I've ever seen. There's so many faces flashing before me, it's hard to understand what I'm seeing. There's Rosalyn! That girl who got kicked off for kissing the producer. Guess she settled her beef with The Bachelor and joined...The Nation.

Vienna! Gross.

The Ugly Manning brother.

Holy fuck, I just saw Deaf Frog voice guy kissing that crazy Erica bitch from the Prince's season. He's guarding and protecting her tongue.

Rosalyn needs to be the next Bachelorette. She's fantastic.

This quote gets randomly thrown into this insane mix:

"Vienna was best friends with Gia, and then slept with Wes behind her back".

What is happening? Does Vienna look a thousand times better in person than on TV? That's the only acceptable explanation. In no logical universe should she ever be wiener cousins with Gia.

Alli and Roberto are in love. They have to be having a terrible time at that party, everyone else is getting naked and making out.

End montage. This show is all downhill from here, because that was fantastic. That should've been it's own show. Oh yeah, it is. It's the Bachelor Pad. Maybe they should just follow these people around at all times, because the camera shot of Wes banging Vienna behind Gia's back is worth the effort.

Chris introduces the dumpees. I barely remember most of them. Oh there's Britt! And the girl who likes sports but was born without a tongue.

Ashley H. has gotten a crazy makeover and looks terrible. Her hair is browner, and she's gone with bangs. Why? This just proves Brad was right to send her ass home.

Marissa speaks! She just talked more than she did on the 6 episodes she was on.

Lisa claims that Michelle was just being sarcastic, the other girls disagree. They didn't appreciate all the shit talking that was done behind their backs. Jackie piles on and compares her to a spider, and we have the first tears of the night!

Michelle breaks down...which causes Ashley to break down. It's like the barf o'rama scene from "Stand By Me" except with mascara.

Michelle uses the ol' I missed my daughter excuse. Not sure how that relates, but okay.

For some reason, they interview Melisa. It's boring. Raichel blames her for "ruining my chances with the Bachelor". No she didn't. It was your face that ruined it.

Jackie's really trying to step up her game with a lot of talking, someone is looking to lock in a spot on Bachelor Pad.

Melisa cries. We're at 3.

It's Michelle's turn on the hot seat. Good news: the zit between her eyes is finally gone. Bad news: she has cry eyes. Also, she keeps blaming her daughter for everything. There's a very good chance that Chris Harrison is hitting on Michelle right now.

Here's a quote that sums up the evening: "Do i really want monkeys to attack Chantal? No!"

Michelle put pressure on herself because she left her daughter, just in case you didn't hear it the 7th time. Jeez, what happened to that kid while she was on the show? Did her daughter fuck Carlos Boozer?

I think Michelle is trying to score an acting gig off of this performance. She's wants to replace Teri Hatcher on Desperate Housewives.

While Michelle sobs, Stacey just starts abusing her. Chris is offended, and protects Michelle. He glares at them and is all, "guys? really?" He's totally trying to get it in with her.

A debate breaks out about Michelle's "mothering". Is anyone gonna bring Emily into this conversation? No. Why? Because she didn't wish for monkey attacks.

This show is actually too much Michelle.

Chris is going Mark Geragos right now, he's Michelle's defense lawyer.

Interesting to note that Michelle considers Emily to be her best friend in the house. Black Swan/White Swan.

For some unknown reason, Ashley S. goes to the hot seat. Immediately, she cries. She has a crazy southern accent now. She whines about all of her bad relationships. At the beginning, the guys think she's a great catch. And then they realize "they don't want to be in a relationship and cheat on me". I guarantee you those "guys" would have a different version of that story.

Ashley wants more closure with Brad. The closure was "I'm not giving you a rose", you shouldn't need more than that.

2 hours is way too long for this. Ashley H. is next on the hot seat. She's like a different person with this look, she could pass for an orthodontist now.

She cries. 5.

Ashley explains that she was worried about getting hurt and was insecure and that's why she blew it. She's got a lot of regrets, thank God she has that huge career to fall back on.

That carnival date must've really been something. They're playing that thing up like it was Leo and Kate on the God damn Titanic.

Ashley gets excited when talking about her hair color. I disagree. Who am I kidding? It's the bangs that are ruining it.

Finally, Brad comes out. Wait. No Shawntel on the hot seat? That's a serious oversight. You know they shot that, it must have not resulted in bawling so it was left on the cutting room floor.

Ashley S. asks Brad for closure, and he says "man, this really is the hot seat!" I told ya.

There is no drama, Brad loves everyone and everyone loves Brad. But he does announce that he has found the girl of his dreams, etc.

The blooper reel is good, and we get a sneak peak at Brad's identical twin, Chad. I'm telling you, the surprise in the finale might be that it was Chad the whole time.

The Shawntel lovers out there must be sorely disappointed. Not only did she get zero air time, it also spells doom for her Bachelorette chances. A shocking turn of events.

Next week: Chantal or Emily? We get an answer. My pick: Chantal eats Emily. Literally. With ketchup. And then little Ricky for dessert.

I really want to stick to my guns, but after seeing that tease it has to be Emily, right? You can't reject the dead fiance girl. You also can't look at Emily and Chantal in their dresses and pick Chantal. Well either way, I will enjoy it.

To everyone in The Nation, good night!