Diablo Cody is Better Than You, Just Ask Her

Psyche!

I'm sneaking in one more post before the new year. The reason? Well, it's a Christmas tradition for my family and I to watch the screeners I got for being in the Writers Guild, and one of them was the movie Young Adult. It inspired me to be with you here today. Actually, just one scene from the movie inspired me. But I'll get back to that in a second...

Diablo Cody is somewhat of a controversial figure. People love her. People hate her. This is mostly because of the movie Juno. Some people thought it was amazing, others wanted to murder it.

I liked Juno. Some of the dialogue was annoying, but overall I enjoyed it. I skipped Jennifer's Body, because I hate horror movies even more than I love Megan Fox's boobies. And I hate The United States of Tara. I mean, I really fucking hate it. I feel like that show will be on in a rerun in 10 years and people will be like, "man, things have really changed in TV, I can't believe that was once acceptable". It wasn't! It was never acceptable!

Back to Young Adult, her third feature. I don't think you can call it a good movie. At best, it's okay, definitely not awful. Charlize Theron is great, and should win awards. But the movie, well, it shouldn't. But I admired it.

There is a crazy consensus in the film world that protagonists must be "likeable". Every meeting you ever go in you will hear, "make him/her likeable". It's stupid. Unlikeable people are fun to watch too, you know.

Plus, put a famous actor in any role and he/she will be a little likeable just because we know who they really are (on the flip side, put Katherine Heigl in any role and she will be immediately unlikeable). Was Tony Soprano likeable? Not entirely. Was it an awesome show? Yes. Why? Because assholes are interesting.

It probably took someone of Diablo Cody's stature to get this movie made. You and I couldn't sell this movie. So it's cool that she took the risk and made something about a bitch. And she did it in a non traditional movie way where there isn't a happy ending and things don't get neatly tied up. So good for her.

Let's be clear: this movie did not fail because it has unlikeable protagonist, it failed because it isn't funny enough. But that's a different matter entirely. Of course, studios aren't going to understand this and we're not going to get another unlikeable protagonist for the next 30 years.

I also think Diablo Cody is a darn good writer. Say what you want about her way too cute dialogue, for the most part, her story shit is on point. She knows what she is doing with structure, etc. Let me give you an example:

SPOILER ALERT

There's a moment in the film that felt false. It's when Theron's old high school boyfriend that she's trying to win over invites her to his newborn's naming ceremony. Because of some scenes before it, it felt like he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't invite her. And you're thinking, "oh well, that's a miss. I don't believe he would do that".

And then it turns out that he didn't invite her out of the goodness of his heart, and in fact, he didn't want to invite her at all. So then you go "oh shit, this movie is better than me. I thought I was smarter than it, and then it said fuck you, I know what I'm doing".

That's a little thing, but it's professional. It's smart. And it uses the audiences movie watching experience against itself.

That being said, there is a very big miss at the end of this movie.

The film feels autobiographical. I think that's fair to say, right? It's about a female writer, in her mid '30's, who writes stories about young adults. It's annoying to think that Diablo Cody believes that Charlize Theron is an accurate representation of her. Ha! But even more annoying, was this scene:

Charlize has left her life in the big city to come back to her home town to break up her old boyfriend's marriage. She's drank herself almost to death. She's left lives ruined in her wake. She's a fucking nightmare mess of a woman.

And then at the end she runs into a girl she went to high school with. A girl who used to worship her. Charlize tries to tell the girl that she's not what she thinks, and she's actually a terrible person.

The girls says (I'm paraphrasing here): No, you're not. You're a hero to us. You left town, you went to the big city. We're the idiots. We're living shitty lives in this shitty town, but you went out and were brave and tried to do great things. You're right about us, we suck. Everyone who lives in a small town in middle America is a dope. They're not "living"! They're pathetic and dumb. But not you, you're amazing, so keep doing what you're doing, cause you're better than us. Please take me with you!

That seems to be the message of the movie. Diablo Cody is a hero. It doesn't matter how big of an asshole she is (or rather, this character is), she's awesome for leaving that crap life behind and going for the greatness of the "big city".

Really?

It's great to have an asshole character and take chances, but then at the very end to completely excuse that behavior and make it seem like the nice people are the dumb jerks? You can do every bad thing you want as long as you leave where you grew up to chase your dreams of writing shitty books? Very odd.

If anyone else saw this movie, let me know if I'm completely off base in this interpretation. The rest of you, carry on with your new year's plans, you dumb small town loving idiots.

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See You on January 2nd, 2012

I'm gonna take a week off for the holidays and I'll be back on January 2nd. Why January 2nd? Because that's when the motherfucking Bachelor is back. I really hate myself, but the opportunity to make fun of Ben and his boring ass moles is too good to pass up.

It's been a great year on this blog because of you guys. Thank you all for reading and commenting and keeping me going, I really appreciate it. Even that crazy bitch from the Occupy movement who thinks we're all racists and part of the 1% was enjoyable for the first 15 comments. So thanks again.

See you in 2012 for the most dramatic end to civilization yet!

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You Need to Accept Tom Cruise For Who He Is

It was easy to see that Lebron James was going to be the next great player in the NBA. He's 6'8", 260 pounds, perfectly proportioned, with a 40 inch vertical and insane court vision. He is a freak. And it's the easiest thing in the world to see that he is a freak.

Tom Cruise is also a freak. But the problem is, Tom doesn't look like Lebron. He looks like a normal person. A normal, albeit, beautiful person. But he's not a normal person. He's an extreme, crazy person. So his freakishness, the fact that he's so different from you and I, is shocking. It's disturbing. But I thought he was like me! He's not like you! Or any of us! And that's not a bad thing.

I watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol over the weekend. I really enjoyed it. And I realized something: I always enjoy Tom Cruise in movies. I don't necessarily love all of his movies, but I always love Tom in them. He's fucking awesome.

For much of his career, a large percentage of the population also thought Tom Cruise was awesome. And then a little thing happened:

We found out about his personal life. His Scientology. His couch jumping. His laughing. The way he chooses his wife. His hatred of psychiatry. That time he yelled at Matt Lauer. His laughing. The fact that he isn't aging.


If it wasn't for all of that stuff, America would still be in love with Tom Cruise. And we should still be in love with him.

Tom isn't the kind of actor that you're supposed to identify with. He's not an every man. He's not Tom Hanks. He's not Paul "One Note" Giamatti.

He's the kinda guy who runs around on the tallest building in Abu Dabi. You don't do that, Tom does. So why should he have a normal life?

Just like we aren't 6'8" black men with a super human like abilities, we aren't Tom Cruise, so why should he be like us? I don't want Tom to be sitting around playing XBox and watching Friends, that's what I do!

He should be believing in aliens and arraigned marriage and silent births, he's Tom fucking Cruise! He's bigger than life. Not just in movies, in actual real life. That's pretty cool, in my book.

He's a movie star in the classic tradition. There was a time, it was right before Dustin Hoffman's ugly ass showed up, where movie stars were like this. They were better looking and more awesome than us. People went to movies for the very reason that these stars were different. And they knew that those guys were living completely different lives than them. That was almost the whole point.

And then a bunch of unattractive actors started getting cast as leads and then the whole thing became about the audience identifying with everyone on screen. They were representing us. And that's okay, I guess, but there's something to be said for the other way, Tom's way. For freaks. People who we can never hope to be like, or in some cases, even want to be like. Circus attractions. You're not Ethan Hunt, but maybe Tom could be, and that's why he's the perfect guy to play the role.

I can feel that you're not fully coming with me on this, so let me ask you something else: has Tom Cruise ever not brought it in a role? Has he ever been the worst part of a movie? Hell no. You've never read a review of a Tom Cruise movie that said "Tom seemed a little checked out". He's always checked in.

Tom attacks every role the same he'd attack Sigmund Freud with a baseball bat. He doesn't have any off days. You can't say the same for Brad Pitt or a lot of other pretty boys. This is what he does. Like Lebron, he was born a star. But unlike Lebron, he cares. He wants to be the best. At everything. And he is.

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Great, But Can You Scrub Ashley From Our Brains?

It sounds like we are finally getting the Bachelorette Everyone Wanted:

Emily Maynard is ready to find love again, and ABC believes she's the perfect choice to star on The Bachelorette: "Emily is America's sweetheart," adds the source. "Fans are going to be thrilled! Everyone loved her."

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The Homeland Finale

There was an interesting and slightly annoying article in the New York Times Magazine about the state of 1 hour dramas. The writer makes the argument that beginning with Lost, many serialized dramas are filled with twists and turns that ultimately lead to nothing and are pointless to watch.

I would agree with this article if it was just talking about The Killing. It's actually spot on if it were only about that show and had been written a few months ago. But instead, it's not just about The Killing, and includes other shows like Homeland. Comparing The Killing to Homeland is like comparing apples to home grown terrorists. They are not the same.

The Killing built it's entire series around "who killed Rosie Larsen"? It wasn't just that, but it was also "this is a show that takes one case and it examines it for a full season!" Well, when you do that, you gotta pay it off at the end of the season.

Homeland is different. There was no ad campaign "is Brody a terrorist?" or "will Brody do it?" And the fact is, we got that moment in Homeland. Brody strapped that vest on. There's no mystery left, a la The Killing. We know. We have answers.

Here's what she says the problem is:

Thus are we expected to while away a solid eight hours waiting to find out whether or not Brody is working for the terrorists. And once we discover the truth, what’s next? A whole different, far less compelling show begins, one about an ambivalent Marine turned terrorist who appears poised to sell out his family and his country for one little saucer-eyed boy. The provocative but empty premise of “Homeland” leads us into another jungle maze until we’re too exhausted to suspend our disbelief any longer.

I don't think she hates dramas, I think she hates STORIES. Yeah, that's right, lady, that's how stories work. All the shit is made up. Things change. The story changes. Things evolve.

If you don't like it, go watch House. That premise isn't "empty". It's full, you get the exact same story and premise every single episode and you never have to worry about Dr. House not figuring out what the disease is.

I worked on a show once where the big criticism of the pilot by the reviewers was "it's a really good show, but there's no way they're gonna be able to keep it up".

What?! You don't need to worry about the question of how we keep it up, that's my job. If you liked the pilot, that's what we were going for! And since we did something you liked, maybe you should give us the benefit of the doubt that we will be able to do it again.

I don't know what Homeland becomes after this season, but that's not my job. I'm just a viewer, and when I watch the show, I enjoy it. Yeah, that premise can't last for 10 seasons, and I'm fine with that. It shouldn't. But I'm invested in the characters, and I want to see where things go because I like where they've been.

All of that being said, I didn't love the finale of Homeland. I completely disagree with her criticism, but that doesn't mean the show is perfect. And I had issues for other reasons.

The first hour was amazing and great and what I wanted to see. The last half hour was a bit disappointing. In particular, the fate of Carrie. It felt tacked on and weird. That was never discussed before, was it? It was a fine ending, it just could've been set up better and not felt so out of left field.

Also, Brody's ending was a tad too neat. I wish his and Tom Walker's situation was a little more messy heading into next season. I want there to be shit lurking around Brody that can mess his world up.

Regardless, it was a great first season. I enjoyed the heck out of it, and I'm excited to see where things go in season 2. I think the writers have earned the respect to believe they can do 13 more excellent episodes. But that's just me and my wacky notion that stories are cool.



P.S. Fuck procedurals.

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How Did This Happen?

Many years ago, there was word of a "Three Stooges" movie. It was going to star Jim Carrey, Sean Penn, and Benicio Del Toro. In my head, it was going to be a biopic. I didn't think it could be anything else.

And it was to be directed by the Farrelly brothers.

As time passed, the big time actors dropped out and were replaced, and then their replacements were replaced. Now here we are, and instead of Jim Carrey, they got Wil Sasso. Instead of Sean Penn, Sean Hayes. And instead of Benicio Del Toro, Chris Diamontopoulos.

Digest that for a moment.

The Three Stooges movie somehow went from three A listers to the "star" of Mad TV, the second banana from "Will and Grace", and a guy I've never heard of in my life.

This doesn't make sense.

Something else had to be going on. You don't lose Sean Penn in a movie and replace him with Sean Hayes. Those two do not go out for the same roles. Sean Hayes wasn't the understudy on "Mystic River".

There had to be more to this story than we were getting. And then the trailer came out a few weeks ago. I demand that you watch it:



There was more to the story, indeed. And that more was the fucking script. Look at this thing. You think Sean Penn was going to be in that? Benicio Del Toro? Jim Carrey, maybe, but not those other two guys. It's a disaster. Snookie's in it, for Christ Sake!

How did this go so wrong? I don't have any answers. But as soon as Wil Sasso was tapped to be the lead in something, the people in suits should've shut shit down.

The trailer also goes to show that movies cannot be topical. Maybe the Jersey Shore thing would've worked a year or two ago, but now? You might as well have Alf and Spuds Mckenzie in that thing.

I don't know if it was ever supposed to be a biopic, maybe I projected that, but that would've been a way better idea. The simple fact is that The Three Stooges don't work the same way they used to. And you know who else doesn't work like they used to?

The Farrelly Brothers.

They had 3 movies in them, that's it. On the bright side, that's two more than the Wachowski brothers had. People think nothing happened on Y2K, but one thing did happen: these dudes stopped being funny.

Maybe it was The Farrelly brothers decline in stature that is responsible for this? Were big name people eager to work with them years ago, and now the best they can do is Just Jack? Maybe.

In a way, it's a good match - two outdated comedy brands trying to make a movie in 2011. I'm not sure why anyone would pay to watch some D level guys fake poke each other in the eye when you can watch regular people hurt each other for free on the internet. But hey, maybe there's tons of Sasso fans out there that I don't know about.

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A Brilliant Idea I Will Do Nothing About

Jeez, I go out of town for two seconds and all hell breaks loose. I thought I could count on you guys, what happened? I told you, while I'm gone no house parties and no race baiting! Come on, you're better than that. Though I must say, that John Rambo guy made some good points.

I don't like to brag about this, but I'm now rocking 2 Kindles. To think, there are idiots out there with only one. Ha!

I bit the bullet and bought the Kindle Fire. It's not that good. However, I needed it in order to watch movies on the tortuous 5 hour flight. And yet, I still needed my old, first generation Kindle for reading in the bright Hawaiian sunshine. Thus, I'm the guy with 2 Kindles in the airport security bin. Do they each need their own bin? I still don't know and was embarrassed to ask. I'm pretty sure I'm the reason the terrorists hate us.

It was well worth it though because I read the shit out of a book all weekend. I'm not even sure where I heard about this book, and I'm shocked it hasn't been more heavily hyped. It's an "oral history", where the whole thing is just a million different interviews with people and the story is told through their recollections. The Saturday Night Live book was done this way, and this book is the story of MTV.

It's called "I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution".

Obviously, it's about the creation and rise of MTV, and I loved it. Yet, it seems like no one is talking about it. It's as if the book about ESPN, which is done in the same interview style, completely overshadowed it. And the ESPN book is not nearly as good as this.

They talked to everybody. I mean, everybody. Anything you remember seeing on MTV that was noteworthy at all, is discussed. And I happen to be of the age where MTV rose up as I was growing up, so it was of particular interest to me. However, so did ESPN, and that one didn't do it for me. I guess sports highlights aren't as fun to read about as Tommy Lee's giant dick.

There's a tiny section about Prince that you could make a whole book about. He was in a meeting with a video director and some music execs getting pitched a video idea for Sheila E. He doesn't say a word the entire meeting. At the very end, he whispers "she should have drumsticks on her pants". Then he gets up and walks out. Everyone is left to scramble to figure out what the fuck he meant. Boy, I can relate to that.

It's very hard to describe the behavior of stars, but this book nails exactly how crazy and illogical and irrational they can be, and how different their world is.

Anyway, I recommend it for this holiday giving season.

But let's get to my brilliant idea that I will do nothing about.

So I'm reading this book, and they keep talking about music videos and little details that occur them. And it's killing me, because I HAVE to go watch that video and see what they're talking about. But I'm not near a computer and it's a pain in the ass and then I keep reading and they start talking about another video and the same thing happens all over again.

But this is a Kindle! It has video playing capability! As does the Ipad. Yeah, I could look up stuff every time, but it occurred to me: books don't need to be just books anymore. They're being read on God Damn computers. They should have links on them. There should be video. You should be able to tap a word and go watch whatever they are talking about. You know, like how the internet works.

This MTV book would've been made a thousand times better if it was like this. "No, I don't remember the scene in Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" where C.C. DeVille falls off the riser, let me touch this sentence so I can refresh my memory". How awesome would that be? C.C. deserves to be revisited!

You're probably saying, "but it only works for this book". You are so small minded. Are you kidding? This works with tons of books. Like, for example, the ESPN book. They talk about the first broadcast ever, that happens to be on youtube. I'll watch that. Or Craig Kilborn's catchphrases, I'll watch that too.

Or how about The Da Vinci Code? You know how many links to Wikipedia would be on that shit?

What else? Malcolm X biography? Boom, links to his speeches. Any history book would be transformed with this. Any sports book. I'm changing the world here! I went to Hawaii and blew all of your minds. You thought it was a vacation? I just made a billion dollars.

Thank God I'm too lazy to do anything about this. Good luck, people with a work ethic and ambition.

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Aloha Means Goodbye

Many years ago, my parents took us on a vacation to Hawaii. I remember swimming in the pool, luxuriating, and thinking: "One day. One day I will be able to afford this vacation for myself".

Well, today is that day. It only took 35 years.

It's been a long year, and I am very excited to be able to get away and chill the fuck out for a second. I need to regroup because the thought of 30 more episodes next year is difficult to wrap my head around right now. So maybe this will help...or maybe it will make me not come back, which would be even better.

It took a long time for me to pull the trigger on this trip. While stuck in my sad office, I decided I needed to ignore my fear of flying and plan a get away when we had time off. When I settled on Hawaii and started looking, I began having dreams of being in a plane and crashing into the ocean.

I swear to God. I'd fly and everything would be fine, and then a giant wave would come and we'd go right down into it. I have issues.

It sounds crazy but it really freaked me out, so I put a halt to the planning. I seriously wasn't going to go because of dreams! Considering the fact that I recently had a dream about a naked midget who had Jared Leto's face and an erection that went above his head, maybe my subconscious isn't the best thing to take tips from.

But then I was stuck in some insane traffic coming home late one night from work and decided to go ahead with it anyway. I'd rather fly into a wave then get stuck on the God Damn La Cienega/405 the rest of my life. So here I am.

I wanted to write this down here so when my plane goes down, I can at least be remembered as some kind of pussy Nostradamus.

All I ask is that when you watch the Bachelor, you think of me. Except for the upcoming Ben F. season, please don't associate me with that.

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Occupy Handleman

Got a couple of interesting responses to my post on the Occupy movement.

Hulga said...

I definitely am down with the Occupy movement after watching our economic system get further and further out of sync with democracy. I don't want to wait for it to get so bad that the middle class is gone forever and the poor are even more desperate.

The level of corruption on Wall Street isn't clear (for good reasons) and so the changes that need to be made are murky and it's hard to point fingers at specific people and institutions. However, it is easier to point fingers at the protesters for being dirty, homeless, young or whatever. The mainstream, corporate owned media has definitely supported this position.

If you want to learn more about some of the demands of Occupy, here is a good place to start. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/nov/25/shocking-truth-about-crackdown-occupy

Also remember that Occupy just started in late September. It's going to take time to establish a specific agenda and leadership. Anyone who agrees with the basic philosophy that the corruption driving politics and banking has to end, needs to help create the necessary changes rather than passively sit back and criticize Occupy. Our collective future depends on it!

And:

Anonymous said...

"Let the smart people talk" is exactly how we got in this global financial mess. The poor, the marginalized, the uneducated, the homeless... they have no voice. Nobody gives a shit about them.

Including you. I guess if people want social and economic justice they should get a job and go buy it, right?


I guess the point I was trying to make was that if you continue to allow "the uneducated, the homeless" to talk on television, you are going to lose a lot of support from the masses. They are not good representatives to communicate the message, and thus, they are bad for the message.

As I wrote previously, I was watching a live broadcast from Occupy LA with a reporter randomly asking people questions. And it made me hate them. If you're really for the cause, I would think that you would recognize that that's not a good thing.

I also don't think it's helpful to be super defensive about it. I believe in a lot of what you are saying, but I also know that there are tons of idiots out there. I think it's fair to point that out.

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The Netflix Albatross

We all have at least one.

The movie on Netflix that has been in your queue, or even worse, at your house for months if not years. You tell yourself you want to watch it, yet when it comes down to it, you opt for something on the Hub or SoapNet or grossest of all, you decide to have interactions with your significant other.

For a long time now, my biggest Netflix albatross has been Zodiac, starring Robert Downey Jr., Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, and directed by David Fincher.

I really wanted to see Zodiac. I mean, seriously I did. I grew up where the movie takes place. I like Fincher. I've heard it's great. And yet, it has been at my house since April. I just couldn't pull the trigger and I don't know why.

Wait, I do know why. It's the running time listed on the sleeve: 2hrs 40 minutes.

3 hours?! Of Jake Gyllenhaal? Eh, I think I'd rather settle in for 6 episodes of The Wonder Years I've already seen.

I don't know why that is, but it is. Which is why I'm always skeptical when people talk about how TV is going to change. Things won't just be randomly on. You'll be able to go on the internet and just pick what you want to watch when you want to watch it. Well, I clearly do not like doing that. I love the surprise of the Guide. It's like a box of fucking chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

I don't want to be premeditated in my viewing. I have 23 episodes of Jeopardy on my DVR. I guarantee you I will not press play on any of them. But if it's 7:03pm and I hit the Guide and Jeopardy is there, you're damn right I'm getting in on round 1.

Back to Zodiac.

My sickness is what it took to finally crack the code. I was lying around feeling sorry for myself and stuffed up and realized: I have the time to watch this movie, and better yet, I can then mail it back and get something else that can sit here unwatched for 7 months.

And you know what?

Zodiac is great.

I really enjoyed it. It's really 2 movies. The first part is about the Zodiac killer's murders and the investigation, and the second part is Jake Gyllenhaal's obsession with the case and his efforts to figure it out. This turned out to be perfect because while I was watching I decided to give myself an intermission. I stopped at the hour and a half mark to make some popcorn and watch some football. Then I watched the rest.

And that scream you just heard was Fincher cutting his dick off. "That's not the way it was meant to be seen!"

The challenge of making this film was enormous. A 3 hour movie about an unsolved case in the '70's? And yet, they pulled it off. I was never bored. I was looking stuff up on the internet, I wanted to know more, and the acting and everything was top notch. Although I'm still confused as to whether Ruffalo is actually a good actor or we're still nostalgic about his performance in You Can Count on Me. There's a chance he actually sucks.

Anyway, I recommend it. In fact, I was starting to think "hey, maybe I'm a huge Fincher fan and never realized it 'till now. I love Se7en, The Game, The Social Network, This..." Holy shit, I'm Fincher's bitch!

Then I remembered Panic Room and Fight Club and calmed down. But still, the guy knows what he's doing.

So now that I've knocked Zodiac out, it's time to look at some of the other stalwarts in my queue. Bad Santa holds the record at 6 years. 6 years! It's been in my queue longer than my nephew has been alive. Some others:

Finding Neverland
The Great Buck Howard
Surrogates
Prizzi's Honor

At this pace, those probably aren't going to get watched. But I have a feeling Surrogates might not live up to the hype, so fuck it.

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Not Sure I'm Down With This Whole Occupy Thing

My regular viewing of back to back episodes of "Friends" was rudely interrupted last night by the local news. Apparently, the LAPD was set to invade the Occupy LA encampment and start arresting people and spraying them with poison.

And there's nothing the local news loves more than the possibility of a live voluntary manslaughter.

I ended up watching the coverage for over an hour, mostly because nothing was happening. I love when the poor reporter has to just keep rambling when nothing is happening.

They always try to over hype every little event. This is mostly seen during high and/or slow speed chases. That's 4 hours of driving and 2 seconds of action. But for those 4 hours they'll be like "his hands are not at the 10 and 2 positions!". "He is really tailgating right now, you really should be 10 feet for every increment of 10mph you are going!"

So this live reporter was walking among the protesters trying to make it seem exciting even though the cops were nowhere in sight. At one point, there was yelling and running and a mob formed, and it was because a CNN truck was parking and there was a homeless guy sleeping in the spot.

That's what I'm missing Friends for! And it was gonne be "The One Where Courtney Cox Sucks at Acting Like She's Crying!"

But it was pretty interesting because all the guy was left to do was walk among them and ask questions. He would just randomly stick a microphone in people's faces and ask "why are you here?"

Not a single one could form a coherent sentence in reply. Not one. And I watched and I waited, and it did not happen.

I thought it was fairly revealing since it wasn't some edited together package to make people look bad. This was completely spontaneous and random, and not cut together with an agenda. And I have to say, the reporter wasn't even going up to the people who looked like cousins of the Unabomber.

I don't want to go all Newt on these people but it's not shocking they don't do well in job interviews. Clearly, a lot of these folks were out there just cause they didn't have much else to do.

I don't doubt there are well intentioned people doing well intentioned things, but unfortunately when you get a big group together in a camping environment, things are gonna start getting tea party level stupid.

Perhaps it's time to move things from the "living on the streets" phase to the "let the smart people" talk phase.

I admire anyone who is willing to go out and express their first amendment rights. Unfortunately, I have an aversion to living outdoors, not bathing and other people. But I'm happy someone is out there doing it.

And they've done well in terms of changing the conversation, etc., but man, it might be time to go home.

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Everything That is Awesome/Awful About the Internet

In one website.

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I Haven't Puked Since 1987

And I don't plan to. But as is Thanksgiving tradition, after hanging out with my young nephews over the holiday I've been knocked on my ass by a bug of some sort.

They were sick on Thanksgiving, one of them was throwing up constantly, and now they've stuck me with it. What is it with these kids and carrying around illnesses? Their parents become immune and then perfectly innocent uncles get victimized. Not cool.

The government would like us to believe that AIDS was spread by a gay flight attendant. Not true. It was some kids who had a play date with a bunch of monkeys, and then the monkeys fucked them.

The bummer is that I finally have some time off and have to spend it laying in bed and being miserable. Although in fairness, that was pretty much what I had planned regardless of health.

I don't recall the circumstances of my last puke. I don't know what I ate or what the problem was, but I remember sitting up in my bed in the middle of the night and vomit launching out of my nose and mouth simultaneously. Come to think of it, a pasta dinner may have been involved cause I've had an aversion to fusilli ever since.

It was horrifying. I made a vow at that moment that I would never puke again. That still stands today, and is the reason I'm known as the Cal Ripken of ralphing.

But I am hurting right now. I just hope I can keep the promise I made to myself so long ago. You know what they say, you sit out one day with a barf and the next thing you know you get Wally Puked, er, Pipped.

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Finally, A Republican Who Makes Sense

Very good weekend reading here.

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Who is Marshall Brickman?

A documentary about Woody Allen premiered a few days ago on PBS and it is really good. You can watch it online here.

Surprisingly, Woody cooperated with the movie and is interviewed throughout. Because of this, there isn't much about the whole "fucking his daughter" thing. The focus is on the movies and his process, and if you like his work, that's what you want to hear about.

It also does a nice job of glossing over all of the garbage that came between Deconstructing Harry (which I think is highly underrated) and Match Point (which is overrated).

But one thing that the movie didn't do that I would've liked is talk about Marshall Brickman. He was a co-writer on Sleepers, Annie Hall, and Manhattan. He's interviewed in the documentary, but it's just to fawn over Woody's greatness. There's nothing in there about their collaboration, how it came about, and his contribution to those films.

Annie Hall and Manhattan happen to be Woody's most critically acclaimed and successful movies. Seems like a pretty big coincidence that this other guy helped write those two and hardly any of the rest. Isn't it natural to suppose that something about Brickman's contribution helped make that happen?

I have no doubt Woody is a genius. And making a movie every year is insane. But perhaps collaboration, or lack thereof, is the reason so many of his movies have been, well, crappy.

Just look at Midnight in Paris, which despite the fact that it somehow did well at the box office, is an incredibly lazy movie. It had potential, but every scene took the least interesting/enjoyable route possible. It just feels like these movies are spit out of his typewriter in one shot and then go directly in front of the cameras. And after watching the documentary, that seems to be exactly what happens. Unfortunately, making good movies are a lot harder to do than that.

It's the George Lucas syndrome. The Star Wars prequels sucked because George wrote them by himself and no one had the balls to tell him Jar Jar Binks was a bad idea. In the same way, there was no one to add jokes and story and goodness to Cassandra's Dream, Scoop, Hollywood Ending, Small Time Crooks, Whatever Works, Celebrity...

Marshall Brickman was the key! Well, maybe not the key, but at least he was an opposing voice to say "hey, before we go shoot this first draft, how about we read it over again and punch it up?"

It's too easy when you're working by yourself to go down some bad roads. It helps to have someone there to challenge you and keep you on the genius track. Woody has missed that.

Anyway, I just thought this would be explored a little more since the rest of the movie features Woody as a one man dynamo. And it's so clear that the few times he wasn't, the best art was produced. But that's a minor quibble, cause the rest of the documentary is pretty darn enjoyable.

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The Possible Expansion of Team Handleman

Recently, my agent left the agenting business to do something totally different: become a manager. What's the difference between an agent and a manager? Well, nothing.

Okay, not completely nothing. A manager is supposed to be more involved in your career, he/she will read your stuff, give you notes, and guide you more than an agent does. An agent makes your deals, a manager is more of a partner in crime. Also, a manager can "produce" things. So if I sell a show, my manager can attach himself as a producer. An agent isn't allowed to do that.

None of this really matters, but basically now I have a manager and no agent. The guy is still doing the same shit as before though, so it doesn't really make a difference to me. Hopefully, the new company he is at has better resources and a better profile than his previous spot, although that probably doesn't matter that much.

After this happened, some agents have come out of the woodwork wanting to represent me. It appears the ratings of the show I'm on have earned it some respect in the industry, and now they think they will be able to make money off me because of it.

I know I've said this many times, but I find this to be very strange. I'm doing the same shit I've always done, but I lucked out and got on a show that people like and now people magically think I know what I'm doing.

What bothers me is that none of these business people - agents, studio executives - seem to know what is going on at shows.

There are morons on hit shows, and there are geniuses at awful ones. And yet no one who can do anything about it knows the difference. Thus, a moron who writes on Parks and Rec will get whatever job they want, and a genius on Mike and Molly will be shunned for the next 2 years. It's a flawed system.

But whatever, I'm benefiting right now so I need to take advantage of it. The question is: do I really need more of Team Handleman? Do I want to give up another 20% of my meager earnings?

I don't know.

On the one hand, I don't want to limit myself. I want as many people finding me work as humanly possible.

On the other, that's probably a myth. The fact is, agents haven't really ever gotten me anything. Almost every job I've ever got was through friends or connections. And with all of the sad stories of Team Handleman's ineptness in the past, do I really need more idiots involved in my life?

Which brings us to another problem, my bitterness. Some of these same people wanting to talk to me have rejected me in the past! They didn't want me when I was writing low rated Mexican jokes. And now here they are. Where were you when I needed you, motherfuckers?!

But there's also another part of me that still thinks like I did 10 years ago: that agents can actually help. It's a crazy notion, and I cling to it when things get bleak.

Alas, I can't complain. This is a good problem to have, I'm just not sure what to do and I don't want to blow it. With any luck, the next show I write for will be awful and I can be left alone and die penniless.

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Where's Steve Buscemi?

I'm a big boxing fan, so I ordered the Pacquao/Marquez ppv fight last weekend. However, there was a problem. Steve Buscemi was sitting ringside and he was all I could look at.

It was impossible to concentrate on the fight because the sight of Buscemi's face glaring at me was so disturbing. We all know that Buscemi is a different looking guy for someone who gets leading roles. But actually, Buscemi is a different look guy, period. In a crowd of faces, his pale whiteness shines through.

During the fight I tweeted "you may be able to pick out steve buscemi at the pacquiao fight because he's the whitest, most awful looking man in the world"

But I was pissed because I figured no one else was watching to fully appreciate it. A replay is on right now so I took a picture of it. See if you can spot Buscemi...


I promise you that is not photo shopped.

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The Bizarro Joe Paterno

I've hated Joe Paterno for the last 10 years. I hated Bobby Bowden too. I hate any coach who can't retire and holds on just to set meaningless records and preserve their "legacy".

An 80 year old man cannot possibly be in charge of 100 college athletes. Heck, a 50 year old man can barely do it. That's an unmanageable amount of personalities, and it's actually 3 times that amount when you count their parents, who are even worse.

My hatred for Paterno really picked up steam when he began "coaching" from up in the press box. Then I found out he didn't even go into the locker room at halftime to talk to the team. Sorry, but you're not the coach. You're an old figurehead that the team feels sorry for.

Maybe it's because I would retire tomorrow if I could that I have such a thing about old people not quitting, but obviously it came back to bite Paterno on the ass. Perhaps the same motivation that drove him to hang onto that job is the same one that ended up being his undoing. But it turns out, the best thing he could've done was leave 10 years ago. You can only screw things up by hanging around and being alive, just look at 2pac compared to Snoop. 2pac is one of the greats of Hip Hop, Snoop has a sitcom in development with NBC.

Well, there's another 80 year old who doesn't want to give it up. But in this case, he is being forced out without a scandal necessitating it. His name is Regis Philbin.

Regis is leaving this week. I know this because I've been watching Regis and Kelly ever since Soap Net had the nerve to switch Beverly Hills 90210 from its 8am & 9am time slot. Assholes.

Has anyone been watching Regis and Kelly lately? It's pretty fascinating and I'm surprised it isn't being discussed more. The reason:

Regis doesn't want to leave. And even more interesting, it seems like Kelly can't wait to get rid of his excitable ass.

There's a weird tension every morning. Regis talks about what he's going to do next, and Kelly gently tells him he'll be fine. Normally, the person in Regis' situation would be talking about spending more time with his family or relaxing, but no, he clearly wants to keep working.

Unlike Paterno or Bowden or most 80 year olds who don't know when to let go, I'm actually rooting for Regis. He's not hanging out in the press box picking up bullshit wins while doing nothing. He's still got it.

And I don't like Kelly. She was a natural at this morning talk show thing, or at least she used to be. But I think that the every day grind has ruined her. She's faking it now. Her energy is fake. Her stories are fake. She's run dry, and now she's acting. And if any of you watched All My Children in the early '90's, you know that acting is not her strong suit. It's just too hard to come in every morning for an hour and talk about the wacky stories from your life. No one has that many wacky stories.

But Regis does!

Have you met any 80 year olds lately? They shouldn't be driving, much less be on TV. But Regis is an exception. If he was really done, he'd be too tired to fight it. But ever since it was announced that they were getting rid of him, he's made it uncomfortable for Kelly and the fat, 40 year old female audience every day and I like it.

Maybe it is time for him to leave. You don't want to go out too late. But Regis is still throwing fast balls and he's meant to do that show. He's great at it. I just hope that 90210 goes back to its old time slot so I can go back to not caring.

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The Kindle Fire

I'm a Kindle man. Always have been. This is something that I am occasionally mocked for. I guess it's cooler to have an Ipad. But there's one thing the Kindle can do that the Ipad can not:

You can fricking use it when you go outside!

I live in southern California. That means the weather is nice all of the time, which means that's where I like to read. I have multiple decks!

When you switch over to the E-Reader world, you do not do it halfway. You go all in. Thus, how in the hell could I ever switch to the Ipad if I like to read outside? It can't happen. If I were to switch, all reading would have to end. Well, not on my watch.

Now there is a new Kindle out. The Kindle Fire. In fact, it came out today. But this Kindle is "better" than the other Kindles. It's in color. It has a screen like the Ipad.

This is a problem.

Can you read it outside?

That's the only question I have. I don't give a shit about the dual core technology, or all the movies and TV shows, or God Damn apps, none of it! I only need one thing: to be able to read outside.

So you'd think that someone might tell me the answer to that question. But no. I've read every review, every blog, and no one has mentioned it. No one.

It's the one and only valuable commodity the Kindle has over the Ipad. No matter what the Ipad can do, it couldn't match the Kindle's ability outside. And yet, this is ignored.

I think some of these geeks get too caught up on a bunch of garbage no one uses. Stick to the basics, people. The Kindle will never be the Ipad. But it can be enjoyed on my deck, and that's the important thing. Or at least it used to be.

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This Is a Republican Front Runner

How are we supposed to take these people seriously? I'd feel better about all of his attempted blow job rapes if he at least knew his shit.

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161 Pounds

Diet update. I've lost 14 pounds (started at 175). And you know what? Other than the lack of pooping and Pepsi it hasn't been that hard. I really don't see that big a difference between now and my old, fat self. I look the same, though my belly has shrunk a bit.

Here's the list of things I didn't eat that I normally would have over the last month:

Spaghetti, rice, garlic bread, potatoes, soda, lemonade, cookies, ice cream, triscuits, wheat thins, grilled cheese, blts, muffins, donuts, and ribs.

I want to thank whoever recommended probiotics, that may have pushed me over the top. However, we can't be sure, because there were some extenuating circumstances this week.

I was engaged in some nerve wracking negotiations and also had several meetings, and you know that always helps my flow. Plus, I basically did not eat on Wednesday or Thursday because I was so worked up. So maybe it was a combination of those things and the yogurt.

I'm pretty much at my goal weight, and you know that means: time to do as all dieters do and balloon back up to fatter than I was before. Thanks for you help and concern.

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Steve Jobs Was a Jerk

In the hype leading up to the release of the Steve Jobs book it was always stressed that it would be a no holds barred account of his life. Jobs wife reportedly told the author Walter Isaacson not to whitewash anything.

And there was this exchange between Isaacson and Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes:

Steve Kroft: I think it’s a tough book.

Isaacson: It’s a book that’s fair. I mean, this is a real human being.

Kroft: He had lots of flaws.

Isaacson: He was very petulant. He was very brittle. He could be very, very mean to people at times. Whether it was to a waitress in a restaurant, or to a guy who had stayed up all night coding, he could just really just go at them and say, “You’re doin’ this all wrong. It’s horrible.” And you’d say, “Why did you do that? Why weren’t you nicer?” And he’d say, “I really wanna be with people who demand perfection. And this is who I am.”

Coming into the book, I didn't really have an opinion on Steve Jobs. I had an Apple IIc growing up, and then, like most people, I was out of the Apple universe until I came back for the Ipod, and then a Mac computer, and then the Iphone.

I was expecting to learn about a difficult genius who revolutionized computing. Instead, I learned about the world's biggest asshole.

Steve Jobs wasn't just a petulant man with a lot of flaws. He was a monster.

There wasn't a page of this book where I didn't hate Steve Jobs more than I did on the page before it. It's incredible that anyone accepted this behavior or he's revered the way he is. But I guess that's how awesome the Iphone is.

I haven't seen this interpretation before, but I honestly haven't read a book about someone I despised this much. Usually you root for the guy you're following, good or bad. But not here. He's constantly doing things that are unforgivable: impregnating a girl, claiming the kid isn't his, calling her a slut, sabotaging his own company, telling people their work is shit, freezing out his "friends", stabbing people in the back, stabbing people in the front, stabbing people just cause he can. There is nothing redeeming about this dude. Nothing.

Oh yeah, there is one thing: he made boatloads of money making gadgets.

I guess when all is said and done, that's all that matters and all people will remember.

But I always think of the people who actually had to put up with this shit on a day to day basis. The fact is that if any of us, even the most Apple adoring assholes, had to have Steve Jobs as our boss, we'd want to murder him. And I don't think that can be forgiven just because the Hanging With Friends App is so fun.

I guess his accomplishments made him great, but even some of those are a bit questionable.

I knew that Jobs started Apple and then was pushed out in the '80's. And from what little I knew this seemed like madness. Jobs was the genius! They screwed everything up! But now that I read the book I know that it was all his fault. He's the one who screwed everything up.

And then he didn't even learn from those mistakes, and repeated them again with his next venture, NeXT. He was a maniac to work with, and it wasn't even working.

The only parts of the book I liked are when Jobs and Bill Gates get together, because Bill Gates was the only guy who could look him in the eye and tell him he was a dick. I read the Paul Allen book and didn't like Gates that much. But after reading this one, he's my new hero.

Which brings me to another misconception: Jobs would frequently say this about Bill Gates:

“Bill is basically unimaginative, and has never invented anything, which I think is why he’s more comfortable now in philanthropy than technology. He just shamelessly ripped off other people’s ideas.”

That is the Pot calling the kettle a turtleneck wearing wannabe hippie. He did the same thing. Steve Jobs never invented anything.

The genius behind Apple in the beginning was Steve Wozniak. His invention of the Apple I and the Apple II is what carried that company for a decade. Jobs big thing was the original Macintosh, which he stole from the same place Gates stole from, Xerox.

The genius behind Pixar was John Lasseter. Jobs deserves credit for investing his money in it, but he wasn't the reason it became successful. Far from it.

His whole career was letting other people come up with things, and then trying to put his spin on it. For 2/3's of his career, he couldn't even get that right.

He wasn't a perfectionist, he was a man without an original idea.

He was pretty much a failure until 10 years ago. That's a testament to his drive and wealth. He kept getting chances at the plate, and he finally knocked one out of the park. Because of that, he will always be remembered as an innovator and a genius. But to me, he'll always be a jerk.

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Eddie Murphy Will Never Be Funny Again

There's been a lot of Eddie Murphy talk lately because of his new movie "Tower Heist". Uncharacteristically, Eddie's been making the rounds of all the talk shows promoting it, and there's been a bit of an Eddie revival going on. People think the old Eddie might be coming back.

Well, he isn't. Old Eddie died in 1992.

There is no bigger Eddie Murphy fan than me. He's probably the biggest reason I ended up in comedy, him and the fact that I'm willing to talk about my poop schedule with a bunch of blog reading strangers.

I used to do Mr. Robinson sketches of my own in my living room. I was 8 years old. "Can you use ransom in a sentence, boys and girls? I ran-some ladies dog out of her yard and now I got him".

I owned the "Delirious" VHS and cassettes, two forms of media people I work with have never heard of.

And then, of course, there were the classic movies he churned out: "48 Hours", "Trading Places", "Beverly Hills Cop", Beverly Hills Cop 2", "Coming to America", and "Boomerang". Sometimes people forget about "Boomerang", but it is one of my favorites. It's also the end of Eddie Murphy as I choose to remember him (although "Distinguished Gentleman" has its moments).

The real end of Eddie Murphy came with "Beverly Hills Cop 3". It's really the perfect movie to demonstrate the difference between the old Eddie and the new, deceased Eddie. It's the same formula we've loved in the past, but instead the guy playing Axel Foley is no longer funny.

And after that? Well, "Vampire in Brooklyn", and it was looking like Eddie was going to fade away and he'd have to reinvent himself somehow. But instead, he went back to the well of wearing makeup and playing different characters in "Nutty Professor".

The movie made a lot of money, but only because it's impossible for a mass audience to resist a film featuring a black comedian in drag. Regardless, Eddie was back. But not really.

I remember seeing that in the theater and feeling very uncomfortable. I did not laugh once. It was sad. There was something different about this guy. He wasn't Eddie Murphy, but he was trying like hell to be. Over trying, really. He was like the Busta Rhymes version of Eddie, just a lot of yelling and histrionics.

That's been the guy we've seen in crappy movies ever since.

For the last 15 years, he has mostly done stuff for kids. And his fans have held out hope that some day the old Eddie would come back. This notion has reached a fever pitch lately as he has said that he wants to do more R rated comedies, and possibly get back into standup.

It doesn't matter. It won't work. You can't just get it back when you're 50 years old and have more money than you'll ever need. When you lose it, you lose it. Especially when you're no longer hungry. The edge is gone.

If people want to see classic Eddie Murphy, they should rent one of his old movies, cause that's as close as they're gonna get.

This idea of great comedians losing it fascinates me for some reason. They are almost like boxers. There's a certain point where age and success catches up to them and they can't be great anymore.

Billy Crystal is a shot fighter. Bill Cosby got punched in the face too many times. Chevy Chase is about as coherent as Muhammad Ali.

But Eddie's a little different than these guys, because he's not just funny. He's got talent coming out of his ears. So he can do stuff like "Dreamgirls".

He can still be an actor, and entertaining, he just can't be funny like the old Eddie was. And I don't know if it's racist, but he used to be handsome, and now he has morphed into donkey from Shrek. So there's also that.

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I've Plateaued

We are coming up on a month of the great diet experiment of 2011. Things haven't changed much since I last reported. I'm pretty sure there's only one thing to blame for this:

Pooping.

I can't poop! What happened? This has been a struggle since I made the change and I can't figure it out. I'm eating a high fiber breakfast, drinking more water than I've ever drank in my life, exercising regularly, eating tons of fruits and vegetables, I'm leguming it up, people!

I can't figure it out. I'm seemingly doing everything you need to do in order to poop constantly, and yet...nothing.

The only great poop day I've had is when I had a big meeting and I woke up and absolutely shit my brains out. It was a rare double header - one at home, one at the studio. That's how much was backed up, and it took being a pussy about talking to people to make it run for the exits.

It's possible that my body got so used to not having fiber or water that it's chemistry has changed. Isn't that what happens to heroin addicts? Pepsi and white bread were my smack and I can't go back.

It's a working theory.

I'm giving this 2 more weeks.

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Joke Stealing UPDATE

Awhile ago I wrote a post about joke stealing. I said that yes, joke stealing goes on, but it's pointless to call people out on it because it's very difficult to tell where joke stealing ends and similar ideas begin. It's better to just do great jokes and let the rest take care of itself.

Recently, a show has come on MTV that is quite similar to the show I work on. A lot of people ask me about it. It's silly to claim that it is copying us or anyone else, because our show is similar to a lot of shows that came before us. Including stuff I've worked on in the past. What I'm saying is, none of this is original shit. A dude standing on a green screen showing clips has been around since the invention of green screens.

What I find interesting though is not that the show on MTV is similar to ours, but that they don't seem to care.

Every show I've ever worked on has been extremely vigilant about not wanting to do jokes that other shows have already done. It's bad form to tell the same joke Letterman did 4 days ago. Comedians have more leeway on stage because they aren't being filmed, so it's harder to bust them. But when you're making a TV show, the evidence is on tape (or hard drives or whatever they use now). And the last thing you want is someone watching to go, "Kimmel already did this".

So it's pretty surprising to me to see a TV show that simply doesn't mind doing things that have already been done. Granted, internet videos are a tough thing. Everyone uses them. The same ones go around and many get played everywhere. It happens and it's no big deal.

But you know you're gonna get compared to us. Especially assholes on Twitter, they live for this kind of stuff. So wouldn't you want to avoid it? We certainly do.

So for those wondering, I don't care about that show. I am very happy that people can watch both and decide for themselves. We don't want to do anything they've done, I just find it amazing that they don't feel the same way.

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I Don't Want Tim Tebow to Suck, He Just Does

Reporters and football experts on TV keep asking why Tim Tebow haters WANT him to fail. I don't WANT him to fail, I KNOW he will. See the difference?

Even today, after he was horrendous yet again, they all do some variation of "Why do so many people want Tim Tebow to fail?"

Want? I don't want. I'd love for him to be a great player, but he isn't. And since he isn't, there's no reason for him to be playing. But since he is playing and he isn't any good, I know that he is going to fail.

Stop demonizing people for being correct about a player's ability. There's no evil intent, there is only what is quite obvious on the field.

He's a running quarterback who isn't good at running. That's not a solid combination. Stop saying he's "super athletic". He's a slow white guy. The only thing slower than his running speed is his throwing motion.

To plagiarize from my tweet yesterday: Tim Tebow is just like God, on Sunday he doesn't do shit.

I don't want that to be true, it just is.

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Comments You Missed

For whatever reason, random people stumble on old posts on this blog and occasionally make comments. Usually those comments are angry at me about something I've written, and you don't get to enjoy them because the posts are from so long ago.

Well, I'm here to keep you updated. My favorite angry comments come from my favorite subject to blog about: bangs. Apparently, some women (and men) get very offended by my assertion that bangs are awful and they feel the need to tell me about it. And then, because I cannot help myself, I occasionally feel the need to respond.

Here are some comments you missed:

Anonymous said...

Zooey fucking Deschanel. You want to tell me she's not hot? I'm a guy and my girl doesn't have bangs, but I want her to get some. You can't judge so harshly on people. Some girls can handle them. How about you show a picture of your body flab and small penis. See if the girls like it


Anonymous said...

My Boyfriend is begging me to get bangs. Mad props to the guy talkin about your small dick. I'd do Zoey Deschanel in a heart beat, bangs and all. Good luck with finding something to like about yourself...I'm sure that'll fix the whole hard core judgement "i'm so angry I have to blog about women's hair" thing.


Anonymous said...

Mean is just a crutch unfunny people use. Good luck with this comedy thing.


Li said...

oh you'll hate this. i found your bangs rant from another blog that i found when googling "feist bangs." cause i'm a bangless girl considering bangs. but you made such a good case! (and i think i choked, laughing). i only wish i knew where you were from and how old you were so i could figure whether or not age and geographics were a factor in this. bc if you are in, say, colorado. then i won't have to really worry about it, because it could very well be that fashion hasn't caught up to you yet...


I replied...

Well, as my profile clearly states, I'm 35 and live in Santa Monica, CA, aka Los Angeles aka the forefront of bang research and technology. This ain't no Colorado.


Anonymous said...

Hipster/Nerdy/Artsy/Geeky/ Intellectual types- LOVE them. Pricks- HATE them. Hooray for attracting hot interesting men!!!


I replied...

no, they actually don't. they just pretend to because they can't get attractive women.


Alia said...

Funny. The only times I've been complimented on my hair, by random guys, were the times I had bangs. My roommate's guy friend told her that he liked my bangs, and he'd never even spoken to me before, so he had no reason to lie.

...That's what you get for generalizing so much.


I replied...

that's what you get for believing people who are just being polite.

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Not Good TV News

As I mentioned awhile ago, the best TV pilot I read this year was "Awake" by Kyle Killen. He's the guy who wrote my favorite pilot of last year, "Lone Star", which was a giant 2 episode success.

Well, things on "Awake" might be headed in an even worse direction. Deadline reports:

Five episodes into its 12-episode midseason order, NBC’s drama series Awake is temporarily shutting down production to allow writers to catch up on scripts. The unplanned hiatus, which is expected to last a couple of weeks, is being done upon request from Awake creator/executive producer Kyle Killen and executive producer/showrunner Howard Gordon. It will be used to plot out the rest of the series’ first season.

“This is a creatively challenging show as anyone who has seen the pilot can imagine,” Gordon said. Awake stars Jason Isaacs as a detective who finds himself living in a dual reality after a fatal car accident, one where his wife survives and one where his son does. The series intertwines his two lives, each with its own family dynamic, workplace and a different psychiatrist for the lead. “Because we’re not on a tight delivery schedule, it wasn’t an expensive shutdown and just gives us an opportunity to get it right,” Gordon said, adding that the reaction from both NBC and Awake‘s studio 20th Century Fox TV to the already produced episodes has been positive.

Gordon also noted a similar shutdown for rewrites on his previous series, Fox’s 24, in the fall of 2008, which allowed the writers to reshape the second-to-last season’s creative direction. Like Awake, 24 was a midseason series, giving the producers more leeway scheduling-wise.

This is disturbing. How do you not have shit planned out? Maybe from Killen's last experience he thought a full season is only 2 episodes.

It's weird though, because I've been going through this process myself recently, and every executive I've met with has asked me very difficult questions about the future of the series. You can't completely bullshit your way through this process. And in this show's case, which is complicated to begin with, you'd think there'd be a definitive plan not just for season 1, but season 2 and beyond.

And I hate, hate!, that they're using "24" as a comparison. During that first season, I yelled at anyone who would listen "they're just making this up as they go along!" There was no plan on that show at all and it killed it for me. They turned characters who clearly they had no intention of being "bad guys" early on into super villains. It was obnoxious.

This is the danger of doing a pilot with a great hook. All of your great ideas are in the pilot, so what the hell are you gonna do in episode 2? And the hundred after that? On the other hand, you go in the room with "Cheers" and you're clearly in it for the long haul.

I hope they figure this "Awake" thing out, because it's a pretty cool idea, and a different way to do a (gasp!) procedural. Pull it together, people.

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"He's F-ing Perfect" Script Review

I'm seriously thinking about quitting Hollywood. I'm not kidding. This script was a thousand times worse than I thought it would be, and it's honestly made me rethink everything I'm trying to do as a writer. I'm embarrassed for this business. I'm nauseated that this person is going to get rewrite jobs and agents and managers and assignments from this. I simply can't believe it, and it infuriates me.

Let's go back to the beginning...

In my last post, I bitterly ranted against a screenplay entitled "He's Fucking Perfect", that sold for a million dollars.

I didn't know anything about this writer when I read the story about the sale. I looked up her name on IMDB and her only credit was Adam Mckay's assistant. Well, upon further digging, it seems that Adam Mckay and Will Ferrell are on board to produce this script. Ahhh, now things are making a bit more sense. But only a little. I have to assume that the only reason this sold is because of them, and because "Bridesmaids" was successful.

There were a lot of great comments on my post, including one from a person who had actually read it. Well, this weekend my friend Jamathew sent me the script, mostly because he enjoys seeing me get really, really angry.

After reading it, I have to say I respectfully disagree with many of your comments. First of all, the protagonist does not compare with Goldie Hawn in "Overboard". Goldie Hawn spends that entire movie getting her comeuppance. And we can believe she's actually changed, she's not at all the same person she was at the beginning of the film.

Secondly, I do think this is exactly the kind of movie Kate Hudson would do. And I did not find the script "funny" or "fresh". Here's my review:

One of the things that made me mad about this script before I read it was the premise: a girl who acts as a vetting service for her friends by cyberstalking the guys they are dating.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but the script doesn't have the balls to commit to this premise. It's definitely there, but it's not like that's her job or anything. Yet it is a key part of the story, and the problem with it remains:

That's not a real thing. Everyone with a computer can do this on their own, they don't need their friend to do it for them. It's never explained why she is better at using google than anyone else. Her special ability appears to be going on Facebook.

Adding to the annoyance of it here is the term that is used for what she does for her friends. They constantly refer to it as a "check up". As in, will you do a check up for me on him? It made me uncomfortable just seeing that phrase. She was probably trying to avoid the characters saying "can you google him?" because it would reveal how obvious it is that anyone could do it.

And while I thought that was going to be the thing I hated the most about the script, it wasn't. There was a secret other thing lurking beneath this premise that I have railed about in the past.

It's a Three's Company episode.

The whole movie is watching a main character lie to the guy she likes and pretending to be someone she isn't. And this is no slight to the writer, really, but I cannot stand any movie that relies on this.

A perfect example of this is that Adam Sandler movie where he pretends Jennifer Aniston is his ex wife in order to get with Brooklyn Decker. "Just Go With It". We all have to sit and wait for an hour and a half for the inevitable truth to be revealed. Boring. We know it's all gonna come out eventually, there's no other outcome in these kind of movies.

And yet, they still get made all the time. I don't get it. It's unwatchable to me. Just tell the truth! This never works!

But beyond this issue, that may or may not be personal to me, the writing in this script is bad. It's fucking amateur hour. I mean, there is some promise, but clearly this is a young writer. If this were a grad student's screenplay, it would be acceptable.

But no, it sold for a million bucks. Thus, we must judge it a little more harshly.

The jokes aren't sharp. It's amazing that this is okay in the feature world, because it wouldn't fly on any show I've ever worked on. This girl would not do well in a writer's room, and it's hard for me to wrap my head around this quirk in the business. Here's this person who is now a success, who wouldn't be able to do what many struggling writers do well on a daily basis.

Some other issues with the writing:

There are cut away jokes in this script, it's like a bad version of 30 Rock. And there's no consistency to them. There's a few in act one, and not really any after that. They stand out like a sore thumb, or more accurately, a crutch. A way to wedge in jokes, and then when she didn't need to do that anymore, she stopped using them.

Once again, I'll say it: this wouldn't pass muster at 30 Rock, or Family Guy, or a lot of other TV comedies, so why does it work in movie land?

I lost count, but I think 5 different people have birthdays during this script, all to setup opportunities for people to give other people presents.

The word boo-ya and ex-squeeze me are used, and even worse, multiple characters use the phrase "gettin' your BLANK on". For example, "yeah, I'm ready to get my hungry on". I thought it was okay, though unpleasant, when one character did it. But then another and another did it and it was weird.

When you write a Three's Company style premise like this, there is always a scene at the end where all of the lies come out. It should be a big block comedy scene where craziness ensues and we see our protagonist ruined. This is done in this script in the laziest, joke free way possible.

This scripts exists in some alternate reality where loving reality shows is this crazy unique thing that no one does. Maybe it's set in 2003 and I missed it. Here's an action line from the script:

Jack turns on “The Bachelor”. Charlie looks dumbfounded, it’s
one of her FAVORITE guilt ridden reality shows

The writer tells us, the reader, to put a specific song on to listen to while reading her dumb words. Thankfully, she only does this once.

Every bad sitcom joke that has ever been done is here. Also, she constantly uses "hip" words to "hip up" the script. Food trucks! Tweeting! Youtube! Bikram Yoga! The Black Keys! Iphone Scrabble! A&E's Intervention! Bon Iver! It's like every girl in LA who I hate helped punch it up.

Sample dialogue:

Ok, so if you go into Google docs,
I started a file for us to share
info we find out. It’ll mostly be
me using it, but it’d be cool if
you start following him on Twitter,
read all his posts, see his
Twitpics, that sorta thing. And
then Foresquare, Yelp, and Linked
in, just to keep up on him.

One more:

CHARLIE
What are you listening to?
MADDY
Black Eyed Peas.
CHARLIE
Are you Ferg-a-licious?

The word "creepy" is used 18 times.

Every God Damn scene between the girls involves smoking weed. It's obnoxious and so showy. WE GET IT: Girls: they're just like us!

It's practically a Cheech and Chong movie for no reason. I went out with a girl who smoked a ton of weed and it was never in your face like this. It's like some crazy overcompensation because they are girls. Fuck off.

One last thing: at no point does any character in this movie do something that a real person would do.

I sort of feel bad about shitting on this script, but then I remember she got a million dollars for it and is more successful than me, and it makes me feel a lot worse.

An underlying problem in Hollywood is that in truth, there's only like 3 great screenplays every year. And they have to make a hundred movies. So everything else is like trying to polish a turd. Comparing this thing to "Crazy, Stupid, Love" is absurd, they're barely even the same art form. This is one of the 97 others, and I can't even believe it's one of those.

I should mention one caveat to all of this. A few years ago there was a script that made the Black List that made me almost as angry as this one did. And, as coincidence would have it, it was called "I Want to Fuck Your Sister". And people loved it. Everyone loved it. So this could totally explain why I haven't sold anything and Kate Hudson wants nothing to do with me.

On a positive note, this script may have changed my life. I have a meeting coming up with some new members of Team Handleman. They are in the feature business. And I will bring this script up to them and get their thoughts. If they hate it as I do, I will have some hope. If they love it, I'm moving to Wyoming and getting out of everyone's way. That might be for the best.

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Bitter Friday!

Nothing can quite annoy me as much as a big money spec sale. I should probably be happy that studios are doling out big piles of cash for scripts. But no, instead I like to turn my anger on the writer who sold it. It's a grand tradition, that usually peaks when the Black List comes out.

Well, there's one I just read about that made me especially angry so I thought I would share it with the group.

Yesterday a lady writer sold a script to Fox for a million bucks. The title?

"He's Fucking Perfect"

I hate it already. Putting a swear word in your title is the hackiest shit in the world, and of course, assures you a spot on the Black List. So obnoxious. Every script I write now is gonna be entitled "Piece of Shit, Motherfucker". I have to assume that any writer with a bad case of Tourrette's syndrome can get rich.

But let's get on to the details, surely the premise will completely redeem this...

He’s F***ing Perfect is the story of one woman who regularly Facebook-stalks the men her friends are dating, acting as a vetting device for them to weed out losers. Things take a turn when she gets a friend to dump her new guy in order for the woman to steal the man for herself, because in her search she found him to be “f***ing perfect.”

First of all, any movie involving Facebook automatically sucks. That's not cinematic. Plus, it's COMPLETELY MADE UP. No one does this. There is no one in the world who uses Facebook to vet dates for their friends. People just do it themselves. No one is embarrassing enough to hire their buddy to do it for them. What a bullshit gimmick.

Secondly, I guarantee you that Kate Hudson will love this script. There's no way she isn't starring in this garbage. I think they forward scripts like this right to her house.

Another thing that bothers me about this premise is the protagonist. I keep getting told by agents and executives that the movie going audience doesn't want an "unlikeable protagonist".

That's only half right. What they don't like are protagonists like this one. The girl who will do anything to get a man. The girl who screws her friends over for a date, even though she looks like Kate Hudson. The girl who does awful things for 80 percent of the movie, then does the right thing one time at the end and expects us all to love her.

That's what we hate! And we also hate Kate Hudson or Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Garner or any other girl who would be perfect for this.

What we all enjoy is a protagonist who is just all bad and doesn't want us to love her/him. You know, like Tony Soprano, or the millions of other characters that have worked on television for the last 15 years.

The audience doesn't want an unlikeable protagonist if that protagonist is SUPPOSED to be likable. Get the difference?

Now, you may have noticed that I specifically mentioned that this writer is a lady. I pointed that out because I just wanted all of you women out there to know who is writing this shit. It's you. Sure, men write misogynist/women will do commit acts of evil just to score a man crap all the time. But you do it too.

Finally, you might be asking: what are this woman's credits? Maybe she has a giant track record and that's what really got her the cash for this questionable premise.

Well, I'm glad I made up that you asked. Because this woman has zero credits. That is, zero credits as a writer. But she does have a credit as something else...

She's Adam Mckay's assistant.

She was so good at getting that genius his coffee and answering his phone calls, that some of his genius rubbed off on her. Makes perfect sense.

And this is why when anyone asks me about "getting into the business", I tell them to be an assistant. If you get the right assistant job, it almost won't even matter what you write.

We have some script readers who occasionally read this blog now. If any of them are out there, have you read this script and is it as bad as I think it is?

Thanks.

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One Great Thing About Occupy Wall Street

I'm not that familiar with this Occupy Wall Street thing. It seems a tad unfocused. But what I am familiar with is the conservative's response to it, and I am enjoying that very much.

It wasn't that long ago that the conservatives had a group of rabble rousers protesting stuff, stuff that seemed a tad unfocused. And boy were they sensitive when "liberals" had the nerve to mock these true American patriots, who were doing the most American thing you can do.

Some of us were evil enough to claim that this new tea party might involve some racism. You know, cause they were suddenly so worried about the debt even though they were nowhere to be found when a white guy was President.

Well, now the shoe is on the other unwashed foot and Wall Street is occupied. So of course the Conservatives are defending the most American thing you can do, right? Uh, no.

They are saying that the protesters are Communists, Nazis, and White Supremacists.

Now, you'd think with this tea party example fresh in all of our minds, they'd be a little more open minded about the whole thing. But no, instead they went with immediate hatred and disdain, ridiculing it for pretty much all the same things you could ridicule the tea party for.

I don't understand this thinking. How do these people automatically know which side to be on? Is there a newsletter that goes out? Couldn't they have easily gone the other way, and claimed it's more evidence that Obama is fucking things up?

I've been on a quest the last couple of years to figure this all out, and I still have no answers. Basically, I don't understand why anyone would want to live their life strictly on partisan grounds. Everything we do is great! Everything they do sucks! It seems like a crazy way to think of the world.

Do they know how hypocritical it is? Do they care? Why can't they stray from their "team" and take things on a case by case basis?

Have you ever spoken to one of these conservatives? They all argue in the same exact way, and it's impenetrable. There is an army of these brainwashed sheep, and it is scary as shit. They're not terrorists, but their minds are about as open as the Taliban.

Moving on, I watched part of the debate tonight. I've seen some of the others, but for some reason this one blew my mind.

I was convinced that afterwards all of the pundits would be laughing off Rick Perry. But no, they claimed it was a "comeback performance". Comeback performance? The guy is a barely functioning adult. I can't believe he's been a Governor for 11 years. He can't speak in sentences.

Before he got into the race, I was sure he was going to be the nominee. I hadn't heard him talk before, he just looked the part and was the Governor of Texas and used to talk about seceding. People who hate black people love that.

But he is not good. And then there's Newt. If Rick Perry could say everything that Newt says in these debates, he would win easily. But sadly for Newt, he is Newt, and there's too much baggage there. And by baggage I mean affairs.

The fact that Michele Bachmann has made it this far is frightening. Herman Cain is just making stuff up. And Rick Santorum is the kind of guy who saved himself for marriage, but like all Christian virgins, didn't count the times he did anal.

There's only person on that stage who you could see as the President. And proving just how insane everyone else is, that man wears magic underwear.

Mitt has to come out of this. I don't know how anyone else could. And it's sorta sad for them, because he's clearly not a true conservative. He's the kind of guy I would think the tea party would hate. He's from the (ick) north. He's into government health care, or used to be. He showers.

I'm almost starting to believe the theory that they don't want to beat Obama. Being in power didn't work too well the last time. They've been way better off with Obama as the President. There's so much more to yell and scream about.

If they give him four more years, there's a lot better chance to sweep everywhere in 2016. But if they get in now, they'll have to actually do stuff. And that's where they get into trouble.

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Screenwriter Spotlight

I know it's cliche to cry about screenwriters not getting any credit, but it's pretty crazy. Especially since in TV it's the directors who are so interchangeable. When the Best Director category came up on the Emmys, I realized I had worked with every single one of them back on Dharma & Greg (I'm old).

Yet in film, the directors are "geniuses". No one really cares about who wrote what, even though that's the basis for everything in the movie. Very illogical.

Anyway, I was watching the movie Limitless recently - which was a very okay movie - and as per usual I looked up the writers on it. One of them was Leslie Dixon.

I had never heard of Leslie Dixon, and neither have you. But it turns out, she's been writing movies for exactly 25 years, with 13 produced features under her belt. It's amazing to have that kind of career and yet we don't know who the hell she is. Alas, that's the way it goes for a movie writer.

What has she written besides Limitless?

She did the remake to Heartbreak Kid, which people did not like but was actually not the worst movie I've ever seen. She wrote Hairspray, the Reese Witherspoon movie Just Like Heaven, Freaky Friday, and Pay It Forward.

That's not too shabby. It definitely would pay the bills. But before that, she wrote:

The Thomas Crowne Affair with Pierce Brosnan. She seems to specialize in these remakes, and while the other ones weren't too great, I love the Thomas Crowne Affair. Very clever movie, with a sick ending.

Before that, she wrote Mrs. Doubtfire. That's the one that probably set her up for the last 15 years.

But let's go back further, cause she also wrote the great Patrick Dempsey vehicle Loverboy, and the Bette Midler/Shelley Long comedy Outrageous Fortune.

Sandwiched between those, she wrote a movie I've seen over a hundred times. A little film called Overboard, starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

Now let's bring it back, where did we start? Oh yeah, Limitless. Isn't it crazy that the same chick who wrote Limitless, also wrote Overboard? That's range. If I ever met this woman, there is only one question I would want to ask her. Just one. It would be:

Did you invent the rotating shoe shelves for Goldie Hawn's closet in Overboard? Cause that shit was genius.

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How I Lost 10 Pounds on the Irwin Handleman Diet

On my birthday every year, a group of my friends gather in San Diego and we play beach sports. This year, one my friends arrived and he looked like his body had been transformed. He was never in bad shape, but suddenly he had muscles.

He immediately asked me if there was anything to eat - he had just driven 2 hours - and I looked around. There was a box of Klondike bars in the freezer, and we each pulled one out and had one. It was delicious.

Not too long after that, he wanted another one. And since it was my birthday, I said what the hell and had one too.

Then we started in on some chips and salsa...

The next day, he didn't want anything. And that's when I found out that he's on a diet. Yesterday was his CHEAT DAY.

Here's the thing, yesterday was not my cheat day, it was just Friday. So while this maniac is eating nothing but egg whites, black beans, chicken, and more black beans 6 days a week and then taking 1 day to eat whatever he wants, I'm in for 2 Klondike bars any time I feel like it. His cheat day was my day.

At the time, he had been doing this diet for 7 months, and gone from a size 34 waist to a size 29 and lost a bunch of weight. He's still doing it 6 months later. I went over to his house recently and he opened up a cabinet to reveal cans of beans as far as the eye could see. The man must play symphonies out of his ass, but hey, it works.

I was intrigued by this diet because I wanted to start eating a little better and get back to my fighting weight. For the first 22 years of my life, gaining weight was a problem. I was always tiny. But once I started working for a living it went all down hill. And by down hill I mean to my gut.

I'm 5'10" (5'9" if you are accurately measuring). I used to hang out in the 160 pound neighborhood. In my steady working days, I'm now 175.

He told me all about his routine and it sounded awful. My issues with food are well known around these parts. I don't eat black beans. And I really don't eat egg whites, so that was out. And his cockamamie diet doesn't include fruit. At all. Fruit! This was everything I was against. A life without peaches is a life I don't want to live.

For many months, I contemplated what could be done. I don't enjoy trying new things. My two biggest issues were:

Breakfast
Drinks

As I said, I don't eat eggs. I don't drink milk. I don't eat oatmeal. I don't like anything other than white bread. I don't like water.

Something had to be done. So I decided to turn my weakness into a strength. I decided to go all fruit with it! All fruit, all the time. Nothing but fruit. No one ever got fat just eating fruit. And there's no opposite of scurvy.

And best of all, I was willing to sacrifice one thing. I'd drink water. No more Cokes, delicious Sunkist, or even glorious, glorious Lemonade. Just water.

For a week I went on an all peach diet. All peaches all the time. Also, grapes and strawberries and apples. Throw in some chicken or steak and that was every meal.

This was a bad idea. For the first time in my life, I almost got sick of fruit. The horror!

A change was needed. So I bought a book called "Eat This, Not That!". It's very simple. And the best part about it is it takes stuff that's in every Supermarket and tells you what's healthy and what's not.

The big change came with English Muffins. I used to eat normal English Muffins, but the book said the best kind you could eat was Light Whole Grain. I tried it and it wasn't the worst thing in the world, so that's what I eat now.

For my pooping needs, I got a cinnamon fiber cereal the book suggested, and I'm able to throw a few spoon fulls of that down with no milk.

Spaghetti lunches are gone. So is my precious white rice. And bread. I'm a chicken and vegetable man. Lots of carrots and broccoli. And salads.

And I don't give myself any cheat days. I cheated for the last 10 years.

The two things I couldn't quit were Wishbone Italian and Kraft BBQ sauce. I don't give a shit, I need those bad boys just to wash things down.

To be honest, I haven't changed what I eat that much, as my diet was fairly retarded to begin with. But the toughest thing is still the water. I don't like it. I need a flavorful beverage. And I can't do diet. It's a no win situation, people. I'm sticking it out with water for now, and the peeing 15 times a day that comes with it.

But that's actually another helpful thing, because in addition to the eating I'm also exercising, which includes piss ups.

If you watch my show, you know that piss ups are just a healthy way to live. It's very simple, every time you pee, you do 10 pushups. With all this water running right through me, I'm turning into Herschel God Damn Walker.

10 pounds have been lost. It's been a month, if it lasts another I'll be shocked. It's totally not worth it.

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Reading List

Boy, you guys sure came through. Thank you all for your reading suggestions. It was awesome to see so many books I've never even heard of. That's the one thing that sucks about all of the bookstores closing down, it's much harder to stumble on something that isn't on the best seller list. It's also one less place for me to loiter.

Someone mentioned Unbroken, and I think I wrote a blog about how I read that. I've also read Tina Fey's book, all of Chuck Klosertman's stuff (not that big of a fan of his fiction), Hollywood Animal (love that book), and I'm Dying Up Here.

Jackie recommended Jay Mohr's book, which I haven't read (though I have read is book about working on SNL, which I enjoyed). I'm glad she brought this up because I've recently started listening to his podcast. So here's my recommendation for you guys: listen to Jay Mohr's podcast about how he got the part in Jerry Maguire, and about the time Jennifer Aniston was a crazy bitch to him.

It's actually sort of frustrating to listen to because he goes on all kinds of crazy tangents. But if you can wait it out 'till he gets to the meat of the stories, they are worth it. I particular enjoy how Tom Cruise is exactly how you'd think he'd be, but in a kind of awesome, super hero way.

I definitely will read the Steve Jobs book when it comes out. And I always see that Freakonomics book and think "I should finally read that". But I think I'm gonna begin the proceedings with that Don Simpson book, only because there's about a 100% chance that I will love it, as I do all things about Hollywood. And I need a sure thing.

And from there I will go down the list and see how many of these I can knock out. Thanks again, great picks, can't wait to be sitting on a beach and not working and reading this stuff.

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What Should I Read?

I'm looking for book suggestions. After finishing Paul Allen's autobiography, everything else has been a let down. Not that that was so amazing, I just can't find anything new that seems cool and holds my interest.

I'm a fan of Mark Bowden (Searching for Pablo, Black Hawk Down) and he has a new book out, but I read about half of it and it sucks. Also, I tried Confidence Men and didn't like it.

So now I turn to you. I like non-fiction. Could be entertainment/writing related, politics, sports, I don't know. If you've read anything recently that blew your mind, regardless of what it was, I would like to know about it. However, I'm not that big on reading novels (like that James Patterson guy, the Reacher books, etc) so there you go.

Thanks.

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Unorganized, Semi-Coherent Thoughts About "Drive"

Ryan Gosling is busy. Seems like he was on a 1 movie a year pace and now he's had 3 out in the last 3 months. I haven't seen The Ides of March yet, but I did see Crazy Stupid Love, which was great. And this weekend, I saw Drive.

Drive has been getting great reviews (93% on Rotten Tomatoes) and I've heard many people say it is one of the best films of the year. I disagree. A lot.

I mentioned Drive a month or so ago because I read part of the script. My problem with the screenplay was the premise: There is no such thing as a guy who is a freelance getaway driver!

That should've been a stopping point right there for the writer. This gritty, realistic crime story I'm writing a hundred pages about is a made up thing that has no basis in reality. Fuck it, it's character!

If you're so bad at committing crimes that you need the best getaway driver in the business, you need to find a different career. Maybe more planning should go into your caper before calling up a stranger you've heard through the criminal underground is really good at outrunning the cops.

People tried to ease my fears about this by telling me that the movie "really isn't about that". It's "just a thing at the beginning". Uh, not really. It's kind of the movie. And I hate how people can just look past that and say it's great anyway. How can you ignore it? It's pure nonsense. The central "job" of this career is a lie. It's like doing a movie about a town that has outlawed dancing. It's craziness.

Even if you dismiss it though, it's still about a guy who works as a mechanic who is an awesome driver. What does that even mean? How is he an awesome driver? Don't you have to be in a racing circuit to do this?

Well, the movie never tells us. They never say how he's so good at driving, where he acquired this skill, or how he's used it - other than being a get away driver for hire. Which again, doesn't exist.

Oh yeah, he is a movie stuntman. He's basically a crash test dummy. But I'm sure that's like a real career that you have to do for a long time and pays legit money. But whatever.

Getting beyond that, here is my real problem with the movie...

SPOILERS AHEAD

The entire film is based on this premise:

Ryan Gosling, a loner who doesn't take unnecessary risks, risks everything for his next door neighborhood he recently met, Carey Mulligan.

Okay, that's not bad. Only one problem, why Carey Mulligan?

You'd think if this guy will do anything to keep Carey safe, there must be something pretty amazing between them.

Too bad they don't say more than "hey" to each other.

Oh, it's minimalism? Is that what you call it? I call it a get out of jail free card. The hard thing to do would be to write dialogue. Having two star actors together who, because we've watched movies all of our lives, know are gonna fall in love, just gaze lovingly at each other is the easy thing to do.

He had more of a relationship when he was Lars with the real girl. They had more interesting conversations than he has with Carey Mulligan in this movie.

I get movies that are slow. Movies without a lot of talking. That's fine. But this was beyond that. This was uncomfortable and not representative of real life. There are long stretches where he is asked a question and just stares without saying a word. That doesn't happen. People don't do that. And people that do do that, are fucking weirdos who don't get Carey Mulligan.

She says "you want some water", and he stares at her for a good minute and a half, and then says "uh, sure".

Love!

He's in love now! She's in love now! That's all it took. They have no connection other than physical, I guess. And even that is questionable. Do they have anything in common? Nope. What do they talk about? Well, water and how refreshing it is. Not even that, just the offer of water and the acceptance of it.

Oh, but one time, she touched his hand.

Love!

So for that hand touch, Ryan decides to do stuff he's never done before, like get himself killed. His whole deal in doing these (fake, bullshit) jobs is "I give you 5 minutes" and "I don't know you and you don't know me". It's all about taking as few risks as possible.

But not for this girl who just gave him water. Now it's all thrown out the window. Now he's doing stuff that will obviously get him killed or caught. But it doesn't matter, because she is worth it. She must live on. It doesn't even matter if they are together, he was so impressed by her generosity with H2O that he will do anything so that she survives.

The entire film revolves around his love for her, and yet, there is nothing to establish this.

Counter argument: "...but it's about his loneliness and finally doing something for someone else"

Here's my problem with that: how in the hell has he never been in love before? He falls in love at the drop of a hat! He literally helped a single mom out with her car and then immediately decided that his life was worth sacrificing for hers.

You're telling me in the last 30 years no other girl knocked his socks off? What's so special about this girl? It took about 2 seconds for him to go head over heels. That's not the characteristic of someone who has walls up and never lets anyone in and wants to be left alone. This is the characteristic of Kate Hudson in every romantic movie.

So what I'm saying is, I didn't like it. Everything in it is false. It didn't have the goods to deliver a real relationship, so it cheated one with "looks" and music and "indy" bullshit. It developed the style of an art film to cover the holes in its premise.

Here's hoping The Ides of March can make it 2 for 3. If not, there's always Lars and the Real Girl 2.

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