Aloha Means Goodbye

Many years ago, my parents took us on a vacation to Hawaii. I remember swimming in the pool, luxuriating, and thinking: "One day. One day I will be able to afford this vacation for myself".

Well, today is that day. It only took 35 years.

It's been a long year, and I am very excited to be able to get away and chill the fuck out for a second. I need to regroup because the thought of 30 more episodes next year is difficult to wrap my head around right now. So maybe this will help...or maybe it will make me not come back, which would be even better.

It took a long time for me to pull the trigger on this trip. While stuck in my sad office, I decided I needed to ignore my fear of flying and plan a get away when we had time off. When I settled on Hawaii and started looking, I began having dreams of being in a plane and crashing into the ocean.

I swear to God. I'd fly and everything would be fine, and then a giant wave would come and we'd go right down into it. I have issues.

It sounds crazy but it really freaked me out, so I put a halt to the planning. I seriously wasn't going to go because of dreams! Considering the fact that I recently had a dream about a naked midget who had Jared Leto's face and an erection that went above his head, maybe my subconscious isn't the best thing to take tips from.

But then I was stuck in some insane traffic coming home late one night from work and decided to go ahead with it anyway. I'd rather fly into a wave then get stuck on the God Damn La Cienega/405 the rest of my life. So here I am.

I wanted to write this down here so when my plane goes down, I can at least be remembered as some kind of pussy Nostradamus.

All I ask is that when you watch the Bachelor, you think of me. Except for the upcoming Ben F. season, please don't associate me with that.