Team Handleman's Finest Hour

The Black List came out a few days ago. That's where Hollywood agencies and managers vote on the best unproduced screenplays of the year. That's also where I usually get angered by everyone writing about zombies and putting the word "fuck" in their titles.

This year's list didn't really stand out too much. There wasn't anything that annoying about it (though there was a "Fuck" title, of course). If anything, the screenplays this year all seemed really serious.

And by serious I mean there were almost no comedies. Also, there was a nice lack of movies that seemed to just throw every gimmicky thing into one story, like last year's "Bethlehem":

 A group of people struggling to survive a zombie apocalypse make an alliance with a vampire, trading themselves as food in exchange for protection since zombies don’t eat vampire.

Everyone knows zombies don't eat vampire, that's just common made up knowledge.

But this year was different. I counted 24 scripts that are set in the past. Historical dramas. And there's another 5-10 that are set in the future or involve time travel. That's pretty amazing. What the hell happened to present day? Are we not good enough for these jerks? There's some interesting shit going on in '12, people. Recognize.

Is this some sort of "Mad Men"/"Boardwalk Empire"/"Playboy Club"/"Pan Am" effect. Hello? Everyone forgot about Playboy Club and Pan Am already?

I don't know if those shows have anything it do with it, but it almost felt like instead of the Black List it was trying to be the Oscar List.

Anyhoo, onto more important things, like me. And my awesome scripts that may or may not have fuck in the title. If you can't beat'em, fuck'em. I mean, join'em. So...remember this?

And then this...

And finally, this masterpiece:

Well, I figured out all of those cards and jammed them into 100 pages of sheer movie magic. I gave that script to my manager. But just my regular manager who does TV stuff.

Quick aside: I've had the same agent for a while, since I was on Mind of Mencia. You know he believes in me if he stuck with me through those years. Anyway, 2 years ago he decided he wanted to get out of the agent business and become a manager. Why? Who the fuck knows? I just know that he doesn't wear ties anymore.

So he becomes a manager, and because he's the first representative I've had who took my calls, I stuck with him. Now I had a manager and no agent. But there was a secret awesome bonus to this move: the management company he went to also happens to have two feature writer managers who sell a shit load of scripts.

Okay. Back to the story. The regular manager guy gave me some notes. I rewrote it. A lot. Then gave it back. And yesterday, I got a phone call from one of the big feature manager guys. And he liked the script! Which was great and a big relief. Cause it's always uncomfortable when you write something and it's bad and then they have to pretend like maybe it's not.

I sat on the phone with this guy for an hour talking about the script. He went through, in great detail, everything in it. It was awful...and fantastic!

It was awful because it's kinda hard hearing all of the stupid words you've written down read back to you and have to take responsibility for them. Also, there were so many things that as soon as he said them I knew were dumb and wrong. You think with a hundred pages, you're gonna get away with some shit. Nope! Wrong. He read every word, and pointed out all of the dumb ones.

But it was awesome, and quite possibly Team Handleman's finest hour, precisely because he DID read every word and was enthusiastic about it and making a huge effort to work with me to make it better. Pain is love, guys. Ja Rule had it right.

So after 2 years and many drafts, this guy did the impossible - made me excited about the script again!

I know that there are a lot of writers that have had nothing but positive experiences with their "people". That just hasn't been the case for me. Especially with feature people. The people who work on the movie side of the business, for the most part, act the way you imagine Michael Bay acts. They think they are rock stars. They act like the busiest people on Earth. They think they are working on more important things than everyone else. But the reality is they're selling Rob Schneider movies.

So this process with these guys, who have been nothing but great, has been a huge step forward and quite possibly has given me back the will to live. Though I'm sure that will be destroyed again shortly.

I am addressing these notes - which mostly involved clarifying things and some tonal issues, nothing major - and then we will try to sell it next year.

I will keep you updated. The dream lives on!

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The Xmas Hot List 2012

Most of you do not read my ramblings for tips on the black man's music. But you should know that there are a few loyalists out there who do. So this post is for them. 

A yearly tradition is me driving from LA up to San Francisco for Christmas. When that occurs, I put together my Xmas Hot List to listen to on the way up. It consists of the best songs of right now. Produced and performed by (mostly) black people.

Herewith is this year's edition:

1. "Rise Above" - Wiz Kalifa, Pharrell (I thought Pharrell died. Seriously, he was everywhere, and then he was gone. Maybe he was doing that stupid NERD side project that I don't care about)

2. "Ridin" - A$AP Rocky featuring Lana Del Rey (I never understood this Lana Del Rey chick, she sucked ass on SNL, but this track made me understand)

3. "Misunderstood" - R. Kelly and Jeremih (you think I'd have a hot mix without R. Kelly? Shame on you)

4. "Miss Right" - NeYo (currently looking for an attractive lady who appreciates the new NeYo album as much as I do. Harder to find than you would think)

5. "Beauty" - Wale

6. "Fuckin' Problems" - A$AP Rocky featuring Drake, 2 Chainz, and Kendrick Lamar

7. "My Life" - 50 Cent featuring Adam Levine and Eminem (Upset alert! Adam Levine made the hot list, no one saw that coming. He's the Jeremy Lin of this list)

8. "All That" - Game featuring Lil' Wayne, Fabolous, Jeremih

9. "Diced Pineapples" - Rick Ross featuring Wale and Drake

10. "To the World" - Kanye West featuring R. Kelly (R. again!)

11. "Thinkin' Bout You" - Frank Ocean (many listens, but it's still great)

12. "Tell Somebody" - Chris Brown (this is not an endorsement. This is about music. Please don't judge me)

 13. "Don't Judge Me - Chris Brown (I told you not to judge me!)

14. "Amen" - Meek Mill featuring Drake

15. "Show Me" - Usher (star of "In the Mix")

16. "Jealous" - NeYo

17. "The Recipe" - Kendrick Lamar featuring Dr. Dre (aka the best song of the year)

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Hollywood Height Chart

What are your surprises here? My biggest one has to be Emilio Estevez. Seriously? Jack Black towers over him! Didn't see that coming. In my head, Michael J Fox is a million times shorter than Estevez. The man was Billy the Kid!

Second biggest surprise: Bardem. Skyfall sucks even more now. You can't be scared of a 5'7" gay man, you just can't.

And finally, anytime you have a list of heights and Ben Stiller is on the Manute Bol side of the equation, you are in true oompa loompa land. What a crazy business. Thank God they all have giant heads, which is the key to everything.

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Plots That Don't Work Anymore

You know how there's all of these random people on the internet who make elaborate videos for youtube or create pointless (yet entertaining) websites? They always seem like incredibly time consuming things and you wonder who these idiots are and how they have the time and energy to devote to making this stuff? I'm talking about things like this. No seriously, LOOK AT THIS. Try and comprehend the fact that someone did that. It's what I spend all day thinking about.

Anyway, I have ideas that I would love to waste time on but never do. One such idea is a website devoted to cataloguing stories from old TV shows and movies that no longer work because of today's technology.

Yes, I can imagine internet users around the world stopping by this website, nodding their heads and smiling, ever so slightly amused for about 2 seconds, then returning to the Huffington Post. It's quite a dream.

Well, that dream is never gonna happen. But I'll just say that I was watching Beverly Hills 90210 and Steve Sanders found out that his Dad was running a sweat shop. He spent all day dealing with the consequences, and thus forgot that he was supposed to take Hillary Swank and her dumb kid to Magic Mountain.

If this were to be made today, you'd have to explain why Hilary Swank didn't just text Steve "where are you?" or "Hey dumbass, we're supposed to be going to Magic Mountain now". You can see the difficulties cell phones cause in crafting stories, especially TV stories. It makes me wonder if the degree of difficulty is truly higher these days in making plots work. Or are we all just so used to it now that it's the same as it ever was.

I didn't think too much of the 90210 thing because you see that type of shit all the time. But then a few hours later an episode of Friends came on. After Rachel complained of not being able to find her Walkman, an Encyclopedia salesman stopped by Joey's apartment and there's an entire runner of him trying to sell Joey an encyclopedia.

Okay, first of all, I don't even believe that Walkmans were normal to have back then. Second, Rachel Green seems more like a discman type. 

The fact is these would be great examples for my future website that will never happen. Oh well. Another million dollar idea down the drain. But I'll be on the lookout for more of these because if you haven't noticed, I actually do have a blog that I waste a ton of time on.

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Lord of the Deus Ex Machinas

In 2001, a friend invited me to go watch the first Lord of the Rings movie on opening night. As we sat there, taking in all 3 hours of dorkiosity, I fidgeted in my seat. What a piece of shit, I thought. Boring. Pointless. Way too much walking. And even worse, not even a complete movie. A three hour first act of a movie.

I kept looking over at my friend who seemed to be fidgeting in his seat as well. And I thought of the rest of the poor audience, suffering through 180 minutes of our lives that we would never get back.

Finally, mercifully, the movie ended. My friend and I walked outside, and I turned to him, "What a piece of crap, huh?" He looked back at me, "That's the best movie I've ever seen".

He wasn't kidding.

And neither was anyone else. And the rest is movie history.

11 years later, The Hobbit has come out. A prequel to the Lord of the Rings. Yes, somehow that 3 hour first act could've included 3 hours of garbage before it!

I never stuck around to watch The Two Towers and Return of the King, so I don't know how things worked out for those guys, but I assume it all came up roses. Nevertheless, for reasons that you don't need to know about, I was dragged to an opening night screening of The Hobbit.

But things were different this time around. Instead of critical praise, this movie was getting dumped on a little bit. It turns out, Peter Jackson can no longer do no wrong. The man made King Kong, for Christ's sake. And many critics have not been kind to The Hobbit, and none have have tongue kissed it the way they did the original trilogy.

So I'm like, damn, I thought the Lord of the Rings was bad, and this is supposed to be worse? This is gonna be rough. I better get an extra box of sour patch kids. But I was shocked at what I saw:

Despite the difference in critical reaction, The Hobbit seemed like the same exact shit I watched the first time around. No better, no worse, to me. I can't tell the difference!

You know how conservatives have some sort of mental block that does not allow them to understand facts or reason? That's how I am with these movies. I can't process them. I don't get it. It's not entertaining to me in anyway, and I can't tell when it's good or bad the way everyone else can.

To prove it, every critic is saying the first hour of The Hobbit is incredibly slow and bad. That first hour was my favorite part! I'm a Middle Earth-tard. 

Just like the last one, this movie was only an act one. The stated goal at the beginning of the movie is not accomplished. You have to wait to number 3 to get there, or at least that's how it seems. So it's 3 hours, you have to pay for a full priced movie, and you don't get an ending. Sweet!

My confusion over these movies comes from the complete reliance on Deus Ex Machina.

Yes, I had to look it up, but I kinda knew. Anyway, here's the official definition of Deus Ex Machina: An unexpected power or event saving a hopeless situation, esp. as a plot device in a play or novel.

In case you don't know, Deus Ex Machinas are not good. They are things employed by writers who don't know what they are doing. Who have written themselves into a corner and need some magic bullshit to get themselves out.

And they are everything that the Lord of the Rings movies are about (and Harry Potter as well, which I hate just as much).

From the 6 hours I've watched, here is the formula for everything that happens in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings:

People walk somewhere. Every 15 minutes, these people are attacked by monsters. Just as it looks like the monsters are going to kill them, they escape thanks to the help of some magical bullshit that was never previously setup.

I don't know how audiences are enjoying this kind of storytelling.

Maybe just the spectacle is enough. But man, it is predictable. And repetitive. And there's no build to anything. It's walking, walking, walking, attack, magical save, walking, walking, walking...

To get specific, I need to issue a:

SPOILER ALERT

Near the end of the movie, guess what happens? You guessed it, while they are walking they are attacked by some monsters. And just as it looks like they are going to die, Gandalf kissed a butterfly and summons a bunch of giant eagles that fly them out of harm's way.

I should mention that although Gandalf is probably a famous character to you, he isn't to me. I have no idea what magical abilities Gandalf has and neither does the movie. But suddenly, just when they need it, he can summon giant eagles. Okay...

Anyway, the giant eagles not only whisk them out of danger, they also fly the characters right up close to where they've been walking to all along.

Um, why didn't they just summon those fucking eagles at the beginning of the movie?! They could've avoided the whole dangerous journey. Wait, I know why: because the eagles were just some magical bullshit the writer needed to save the day. 

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Period Comedies Do Not Work

From Deadline Hollywood (the inspiration for so many blog posts):

After exploring 1960s New York City with Mad Men and the Nebraska territory circa 1865 with Hell On Wheels, AMC is heading to Colonial Boston for a comedy project, now in development. Titled We Hate Paul Revere, it is written and executive produced by writer-actors Ethan Sandler and Adrian Wenner (Whitney). It centers on two brothers living in Colonial Boston who are not fans of local industrialist and activist Paul Revere.

That's a fine idea. Sounds funny. And I bet the script will be hilarious. But when it is filmed and put on TV, it will not work. Because period comedies do not work.

Well, usually they don't.

To be clear, I would not include stuff like Happy Days or Laverne & Shirley in this. That's not the period I'm talking about. When you watch those shows you barely remember that they're in a different time. I'm talking about anything set in a time that does not resemble our own. 

Like, for example, Year One or Your Highness.

Here are two theories/reasons for this:

1) A huge part of comedy is the ability to relate to the situations. There's a reason Jerry Seinfeld begins every joke with "Have you ever noticed...". That's huge. No one has ever noticed that George Washington doesn't pluck his nose hair. We can't identify with that the way we can relate to a close talker.

2) From a production stand point, comedies can't pull off historical shit like dramas can. Daniel Day Lewis isn't playing a wacky Abraham Lincoln, he is Lincoln. And Spielberg isn't worrying about the jokes in Gettysberg, he's making that shit look like Gettysberg.

Historical comedies always seems like a great idea. There are so many possibilities. Especially the notion of throwing modern types into well known historical events (Black Knight, Almost Heroes).

It's funny on the page. Cause you get to think of things like, "remember Paul Revere, American hero? Yeah, well what if he was a huge dick and a glory hog? So our main character is all pissed off at Revere, and while he's running around yelling The British Are Coming!, our guy is back at Revere's house fucking his wife!"

It sounds interesting. But it does not translate to the eyes. We know that's not Paul Revere. We know that's not how it went. We can't relate to how stuff was back then. There's no investment in it whatsoever. It's just goofy for goofy sake.

I guess the only exception to this rule is if you go completely absurd with it, ie Monty Python or Mel Brooks or sketch shows. Just admit you're in crazy land and go super big.

On a side note, it should be fun watching AMC get into the comedy game. It will remind us all how much harder comedy is than drama. But I'm very happy about it - I always love having more networks to pitch to and be rejected by. So AMC execs, I'll see ya soon with my show, "Benjamin Franklin Totally Loves Dudes".

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You Win, Old Navy

After hearing my complaints, Old Navy responded with this commercial, which I very much appreciate:



"Euro Rusty" = awesome. Where in the hell did they dig him up from? On second thought, who cares? I'm just glad they did. Well done!

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How to Sell a Movie Pitch

Some breaking news over at Deadline Hollywood:

Warner Bros is negotiating to acquire Get Hard, a comedy pitch package that will be developed as a star vehicle for Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart.

The plan is for Ferrell to play a rich, soft-handed investment bank manager is sentenced to a maximum security prison for a crime he didn’t commit. He hires the streetwise guy who normally washes his car to get him ready to do hard time in the 30 days before he has to report to prison.

Seriously? I give up.

Why am I killing myself trying to come up with original ideas? Black guys helping white guys do criminal stuff! That's all you need! That's the only idea there is so I should just stick with it.

You may remember last year's "Tower Heist" (or maybe you don't). A big budget comedy.  Some ordinary folks want to rob from the Bernie Madoff type guy who ripped them off. Only one problem: they don't know how to steal. So who do they enlist to help them? Eddie Murphy, the black guy. He knows how to steal.

Or how about "Horrible Bosses". Three white guys want to enact revenge on their horrible bosses by murdering them. Only one problem: they are white. They don't know how to murder. Who do they enlist to help them? Jamie Foxx, the black guy, who becomes their "murder consultant".

But really, I am ignoring the even bigger elephant in the room. A movie called "Big Stan". Starring Rob Schneider. The logline:

A rich, soft-handed real estate con artist is sentenced to a maximum security prison. He hires a guy to get him ready to do hard time before he has to report to prison.

In fairness, the movie came out in 2007, and that's like a million years ago. I'm sure the comedy writers who pitched this have never heard of it. 

SERIOUSLY

Fuck this shit.

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A Bachelor Record

I just looked at the 25 Bachelorettes for the new season and discovered something crazy:

4 black chicks.

Whoa! A new record. Thanks, lawsuit accusing the Bachelor of racism!

How uncomfortable is it going to be when Sean eliminates all of them on the first night?

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Terence Winter

The season finale of Boardwalk Empire lived up the hype. We finally got the scene we always wanted from the best character on TV - Richard Harrow. I always say, you don't have an extensive gun collection and half a face and stay peaceful. I'm glad he proved me right.

Boardwalk Empire was created by Terence Winter. He used to write on The Sopranos. And when I hear the name "Terence Winter", I only think of one thing: cool HBO shows. That's it. Those things are synonymous in my mind.

It's such an important sounding writer name. Terence Winter. Terence Winter writes important drama. Terence Winter writes award winning art. Irwin Handleman writes fart jokes. These things make sense in our brain. Some names just pigeonhole you.

So imagine my surprise when I look him up on IMDB to see where he got his start and find these credits:

2005 Get Rich or Die Tryin' (written by)

1999 The PJs (TV series)

1998 DiResta (TV series)

1998 Diagnosis Murder (TV series)

1995-1998 Xena: Warrior Princess (TV series)

1996-1997 Sister, Sister (TV series)

1996 Flipper (TV series)

1995 The Great Defender (TV series)

1995 The Cosby Mysteries (TV series)

That's right, the man responsible for highbrow HBO stuff used to write on Sister, Sister and Xena: Warrior Princess. It's kind of inspiring.

Why? Because can you honestly say that Get Rich or Die Tryin' is better than In the Mix? You can't! In the same year, 2005, Terence Winter and Irwin Handleman both wrote black movies starring musicians who can't act.

I wrote for Carson Daly, he wrote for a dolphin. Same motherfucking difference, folks. I might have a Boardwalk Empire in me yet.

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Mexican Christmas Vacation

So many odd things. Juliet Lewis? And yet, no Rusty? Who are those people with them? How are they so ethnically diverse? Why don't they have any lines? Were they born without a tongue? Why don't Mexicans know who the Griswolds are? Did the Mexicans and the Griswolds hang out on set together? Which one did they shoot first? Is there one for black people? Asians? Was Randy Quaid even contacted? Is he still on the run? Real tomato ketchup?

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