Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 9. Fantasy Sex

I had a very bad day today. Let's just say, Team Handleman is up to its old tricks. But I'm going to persevere with this recap...

New York. Brad packs. He says he has no clue what he's doing right now. I just assumed that's how he went through life. Call the therapist! This is when you need him most.

He flies to South Africa, and while on the plane he looks out the window and contemplates his lot in life. I prefer to think he's day dreaming about Chantal, the slightly less fat days. Those were good days.

Brad says he hopes South Africa will give him the clarity he needs. That's what South Africa is known for: clarity when choosing between 3 women, and also horrible, horrible racism.

He settles in at his ridiculous resort, which seems to be located in a game reserve. There's monkeys, rhinos, a hippopotamus...wait, no, that's Chantal.

It's funny, whenever I talk about this show with people, the Chantal/fat issue is the first thing that gets brought up. Usually my sister is the most sensitive about calling girls fat. She'll be like, "that's healthy!" Or "that's what I look like!". But even she isn't defending Chantal.

The first date is with her. They go on a--wait, try to guess what their date is. I'll give you a hint, they're in Africa. Yes, it's a safari. They immediately drive up on a bunch of lions. Brad and Chantal seem perfectly comfortable with this, even though their tour guides look like they could do nothing to defend themselves. "Sure, there's 6 full grown lions 10 feet from us, but I'm sure these 2 little black guys know what they're doing".

It should be noted that Brad is wearing one of those dumb safari hats.

Brad says "this date is very fun, but it's also dangerous. I think a lot of relationships need to go through a test of some sort - whether it be fear, danger, whatever".

Uh, what?! Yeah, you can't have a real romance unless you almost get eaten by a lion or get into a hostage situation together. It is what saved John McClane's marriage in Die Hard.

Chantal says that "after tonight, I'll be able to prove I'm in love with him". You know what that means: anal.

Chantal says she's ready to marry Brad right now. Let's take a step back: she's known him for 3 weeks, tops. She's been married before. These are warning signs. Also a warning sign: she just asked for another helping of prime rib.

I hate how the Bachelors always say the fantasy suite card is "from Chris". That's always emphasized. Like they're just hookers and Chris is the pimp.

Holy shit! The fantasy suite has done the impossible! It has made Chantal say "I think I don't want anymore dinner". He needs to get a contractor to put a fantasy suite in his tiny downtown Austin loft.

And it turns out the fantasy suite is actually a tree house in the middle of the jungle, the mighty jungle. No thanks. I guess this is that fear test that Brad needs. He's gonna be doing some wild kingdom banging tonight. I'm pretty sure this is the same tree house where Simba was conceived.

2nd date is with Emily. Brad gets the goofiest look on his face when he sees her. Can't blame him, she looks God Damn adorable.

Brad leaves her alone in the jungle, and then comes back riding on an elephant. That's funny because he also rode an elephant last night.

Emily says "this is my dream!" Really? Your dream was riding an elephant? That seems unlikely. Maybe her dream should've been the ability to find a man without abandoning her daughter.

If Brad and Emily have a kid, I guarantee you it ends up in community college.

Emily asks Brad if he's ready for a 5 year old over and over again, and Brad finally squeezes out a very unconvincing "yeah". Poor guy. He's like, why does the best girl have to also be the worst girl?

Brad and Emily kiss and they show the animals whooping it up around them. It's like he's motherfucking Tarzan.

Brad loves wearing blue. He seems very nervous around her. Weird. What do these two talk about other than him being nervous and that kid? The answer is nothing. But maybe pretty people just need to be pretty and we should accept their ways. It's like how Middle Eastern countries can't have democracies, good looking people can't have solid communication skills.

He gives her the fantasy suite card. Thank God that kid is on another continent so Brad will feel okay with banging the crap out of her on national TV.

She says she wants to set a good example for her daughter, so even though she'll go with him, sex is off the table. She will, however, allow him to finger bang her. It's for the kids.

At the suite, which isn't a fucking tree house, Emily tells Brad that she's falling in love with him. And here's where it gets interesting:

Brad says "I didn't expect that...and I'm falling in love with you too". And then he adds that he's not gonna sit here and let her say that without saying it back. Hold the phone. Chantal has told him she loves him a thousand times and he's never said it back. Whoa. Rude.

3rd date is with Ashley. What a let down. Why is she still here? I wish it was Shawntel. Despite the fact that she's brainwashed and might be in a cult with a gay dad, she's pretty cool.

On this date, Brad has decided to switch it up and wear blue. They walk together and Brad reveals: The Bachelor Copter. Ashley freaks the fuck out. Because that's her response to everything.

And also because she's scared of flying, I guess. Brad says "you know how many times I've flown and nothing has happened". Something kinda only needs to happen once. I would've been like, "what about that time with Emily's fiancee? And also flight 800. And 9/11".

They land in a particularly scenic spot. Brad says "the locals call this God's window". Then he says "it is beautiful. It is by all definition God's window". Oh, Brad. Dumb, dumb Brad.

Ashley looks at the view and says "is this real life?". It makes sense that a dentist would quote David After Dentist.

Brad asks Ashley where she sees herself living and she answers incorrectly. He was looking for "Texas", and she said "southern Maine". Then he goes "what happens when you settle down, start your career. Do you think you can allow yourself to live while you're trying to achieve?"

Trying to achieve?! She's a dentist. What's she trying to achieve? Perfect smiles?! I think you can do both.

Brad is going on and on about how she reminds him of how he was ten years ago. And she is completely missing his point. She thinks she's having a wonderful day with Brad, and he's telling her why she's not getting the rose. I've been on many dates like that, not fun. Then when the dumping comes, she thinks it's out of the blue. And you're like, "I told you it was coming!" Stop fantasizing about our wedding and see the I'm about to dump you signs, lady! But I digress.

Ashley says like a lot. Like, a lot.

At dinner, Brad (in a different blue shirt) brings it up again. He has to just say it, "when I asked where you wanted to live, not one time did you mention Austin". Her excuse is that she's never been to Austin. Sweetie, you really have no clue what the other girls are throwing out there and you're blowing it.

Brad thinks there's a lot of misunderstandings between them, but no, she's just an idiot.

Ashley tells Brad that she thinks he's just looking for a wife and for someone to fit in with him. Which I guess is kinda true. He's really emphasizing her big bad dentistry career, implying that she won't have time for him. And I guess that's why Emily fits, because she doesn't have a job and is just sitting around waiting to be someones trophy wife.

They make their way to the fantasy lodge. It's the most nonsexual fantasy lodge I've ever seen. They've lost their mojo. Apparently, a woman with a career ruins Brad's boner. Hey, he's from Texas. Women aren't allowed to work in Texas. Fact.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chantal has stepped up her game a little bit, at least compared to the debacle that was last week's Final Rose Ceremony dress. I mean, she's still huge, but at least the dress isn't making it worse.

Brad gets nervous, and then asks Ashley to talk before he starts handing out roses. He says "our date did not go well at all...I'm so, so sorry". Ashley starts crying. I hate that she even thinks that she's in this.

Ashley goes, "I wanted you to ask those questions..." and Brad just about loses it, "then what the hell happened then!" But he remembers his therapist's training, and holds it back.

God, Ashley never says anything smart or good at any time. She must be getting edited badly, because she can't be this dumb. After all, she has a high fallutin' career cleaning teeth.

Brad is being way too nice.

Finally, thank the Lord, he says "I need to tell you goodbye". Jesus. She is the worst. She can't talk. He really seems to have something for her, and yet she can't do anything about it. Sad. At least she has healthy gums.

Once again, say what you want about Brad, but he could not have been cooler about that. I would've slapped her.

Wait...Chantal's gonna be on Dancing with the Stars? Oh, that's Kirstie Alley.

After leaving Chantal and Emily waiting for about an hour, he comes back, makes a nice speech, and gives out the two roses. They accept.

And then there were two. And it's exactly who we'd thought they'd be. Chantal vs. Emily. Based off this episode, it's Emily. But I still feel like there's love for Chantal in his heart. And also, he's never spoken with Emily about anything. That has to be a factor, right?

Brad says he thought Ashley would be one of the last 2 women, which could be taken that Chantal shouldn't even be here right now. Something to think about.

Next week: the girls tell all. Or rather, it's the Michelle show.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Goodnight!

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Joel McHale Needs A Hairvention

This is getting silly...

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Pilots in Development

I was doing some research yesterday, and I read every single logline for every single TV pilot that is currently in development. Many of these won't even be produced into a pilot, most will never get on the air. However, they are all ideas that the networks bought.

Some things stood out:

There are 2 shows about guys who form wedding bands, and another where 4 guys reunite their cover band.

There are 2 shows that revolve around the Vice President of the United States - one is a woman, the other a man.

There are also 2 shows about celebrity assistants. And 2 shows about a guy who has insomnia and can't sleep.

Oh, and there are 2 shows about "brothers from different mothers". And there are lots of musicals.

NBC has no identity as a network. You can tell just by reading the idea which network it is probably for - conservative procedural/traditional sitcom, that's CBS. Something a little edgier or animated, that's FOX. But with NBC it's obvious they are just blindly buying things and hoping it ends up making sense for them.

There was one show that has a logline that is so stupid it keeps making me laugh. I'm sure the script is fine, but there is something about this description that cracks me up every time. Here it is:

"Partners"
Police drama centered on two female police detectives who are fiercely loyal to one another since they're also secretly sisters.

Secretly sisters? What does that even mean? Why do they have to keep it a secret? I was just imagining the dialogue from that show:

"What's up, Captain?"

"Nothing"

"You know, I just saw you talking to Colleen and...you're not sisters, are ya?"

"NO!"

I don't know why that is so funny to me, but it is. As if being sisters is the ultimate secret. You need a hook for your show!

What if they're secretly sisters?

That's it!

Here's another logline I found funny:

"Cooper and Stone"
Drama about two Chicago female detectives who specialize in pop culture knowledge and solving homicides.

You know what's important in solving murders? Knowing that Ryan Phillippe and Amanda Seyfriend have broken up.

Here's an annoying one to me:

"Dr. Henry"
Drama about an eccentric psychiatrist who, with the help of his team at his prestigious institute, digs into his patients' psyches to help cure them of the most bizarre psychological afflictions.

Are you sure it's Dr. Henry and not Dr. House?

I noticed this one because it's very similar to "Felicity":

Drama about a woman who, following a whirlwind affair over graduation weekend with the hottest guy in her med school class, makes a radical decision to give up a plum surgical residency in Chicago in order to be near him, and takes the only remaining spot at UCLA -- psychiatry, a field which she has no belief in.

And for you ladies complaining that mass media portrays women as fragile, emotional weaklings who have to follow men around, that's was written by a woman.

Does anyone miss "Bosom Buddies"? Cause a real network bought this pitch:

"Work It"
Multi-camera comedy about two out-of-work car salesmen - both husbands and fathers - who dress as women by day to get jobs working as pharmaceutical reps.

Good Lord.

Remember how I was saying that you can tell what idea goes with which network? Well, CBS has a drama called "The Rememberer". Oh my God. The Rememberer! Really? How is that not a spoof?

Guess what it's about?

Drama about a female FBI agent who remembers everything, helping her career but makes for turmoil in her personal life.

If I ever go into CBS for a meeting, I'm definitely pitching my drama "The Recollector". But that's just a working title, I might go with "The Reminiscer" or "The Bear In Minder".

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Save Shawntel!

She needs to be deprogrammed...

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Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 8. Meet the Family

It's the hometown visit episode. That means the girls don't have to hang out with each other anymore. Which is interesting, especially if you're a Michelle conspiracy theorist. She was only awesome when having to interact with the other girls on group dates, and now there are no more group dates. Maybe she was a plant for drama. Hmmm.

Brad is in New York. I wonder if this is as long as he's ever been away from his therapist. Brad goes through his experiences with each girl "in his mind". All guys have that mental rolodex, but we usually only use it for masturbating, not time-filling Bachelor montages.

The first hometown is with Chantal in Seattle. Wait, why was he in New York? Just a stop over? I'm confused.

Chantal looks a little better than we last saw her. But she might be wearing spanx. Spanx are the scourge of bachelors everywhere.

Chantal brags that she lives 4 streets away from her parents. Just what every fella wants to here. You mean my in laws can just walk over anytime they want? Yey! As an added bonus: she has 2 cats and a dog. Don't make me hate you, Chantal.

She lives in a house. Keep in mind she's a professional assistant. People never talk about the good part about being divorced.

Her dog is wearing a sweatshirt and has a tiny body and a giant head. It is a mutant dog. I have no idea what that thing is, but it is frightening. It's like one of those stuffed animals you can win in those machines at arcades, but alive.

Brad shares that he lives in a loft downtown that is tiny. Chantal isn't pleased. She's worried about closet space. She needs to be worried about that freak show of a dog.

Chantal takes Brad to her parent's house, and it is a fricking mansion. Dollar signs pop up in Brad's eyes, and he's immediately willing to forgive the dog and the cats and sell his bar and move to Seattle. Some research indicates that Chantal's dad played in the NFL. Here's some info:

He played defensive back at Cal, then the Seahawks. He now owns one of the Northwest's biggest auto empires with eight dealerships in Seattle, Tacoma, Bellevue and Kirkland.

Important note: Chantal's mom is skinnier than she is, and good looking. That has to be a great sign for Brad. Unfortunately, she has those strange, older lady fake boobs.

Chantal and her mom could do mother daughter porn and you wouldn't know which one to focus on. She's a good looking lady, is what I'm saying.

Oh boy, you'd think Chantal would be safe from the water works at home, but here they come. She cries talking to her mom about having the "love" feelings again. Her mom hugs her and gives her a kiss, uh oh, this is exactly how my porn scenario played out!

Brad and Chantal's dad bond over not having dads. Remember, this is the subject that Brad claims he never talks to people about. That's the only thing he talks about! Brad asks if Chantal is ready to settle down. Dad responds: "oh, she's been ready for a long time". Yikes.

Brad gets Chantal's dad's blessing and they awkwardly hug. Kinda funny. Chantal's dad loves Brad, and they do another hug, preceded by a strong, manly slap five handshake. I feel less heterosexual just watching it. These are men. Beefy, beefy men.

Brad doesn't want to leave Chantal. I can't believe people are still arguing with me that Chantal isn't going the distance. Chantal is ready, Emily is not.

2nd home visit is with Ashley in Maine. That's her hometown, but she doesn't live there now. It's worth saying again: I can't believe Ashley has made it this far. I don't care how oddly she says that she and Brad have "ssssparks!"

Wouldn't it make more sense for Brad to go from New York to Maine and work his way across the country? Ugh, if I think about the logistics and continuity issues here my head will explode.

Emily and Brad go to a restaurant, and she talks about her favorite dish, Putsin (sp?). It's basically fries with cheese and gravy. I think Chantal has been eating too much Putsin.

And yes, Putsin sounds dirty. Right now, Brad is going down on some Putsin. Lots of sex jokes tonight, people.

I guess the real question right now is: who gets eliminated tonight, Ashley or Shawntel? Judging from this date and the previews, I'd go with Shawntel.

You could fit Ashley's parents house into Chantal's entryway. And by entryway I mean her ass. Hey oh!

Ashley's family seem very chipper and goofy and fun. I thought Ashley's sister was wearing a weird shirt, but nope, she's got giant chest tattoos. Okay.

63% of Bachelor girls have better looking sisters.

They all eat giant lobsters. Cause it's Maine, that's all they have there.

Once again, I must mention how Brad shines in these situations. I think this is why I like him, because I am at my worst at these moments. But he can work a room.

For 2 minutes, everyone pretends like Ashley trying to be a dentist will ruin their relationship. Brad says "I'm wondering if I'm gonna hold Ashley back a little bit. I want her to follow her dreams, I want to support her, but that's a conversation Ashley and I need to have".

Uh, she's going to school to be a dentist, not an astronaut. I think she'll be all right, but I know how the grueling bar business can ruin your significant other's hopes and dreams.

3rd date, Chico, Ca with Shawntel. Again, New York to Seattle to Maine to California? That travel agent is ripping them off. Brad meets Shawntel at her funeral home. If I was her, I would tell the producers to screw off. I'm trying to marry this dude, not scare the shit out of him.

Did someone in the comments mention that Shawntel is blinky? Cause she is. She's giving DeAnna a run for her money, and that is saying something. It has to be affecting her vision.

Is "Welcome to Chico" an oxymoron? I might be using that term wrong.

Shawntel gives him a tour of the caskets, you know, normal hometown visit stuff. Then she shows him the crematorium. Brad says "if I'm with Shawntel, these are going to be our conversations...about death". I'm telling you, that therapist is working. Cause he is finally thinking clearly.

Brad lies on an embalming table and Shawntel gives a demonstration. It is extremely uncomfortable...for me. And also Brad. And America. The video for Thriller isn't as fun when it's the real thing.

Right now, Brad would kill to be knee deep in Putsin again.

God Damn, Brad has nice hair. And a nice body. My sister told me to mention that, I swear.

Shawntel is impressed with Brad. She says "oh my God, you can lie on a prep table. I've never had that before!" Why would you ever, ever want that before? That's how bad Chico is, the funeral home is like Nobu.

My made up statistics are never wrong: Shawntel has 2 good looking sisters. Okay, 1 and a half. If you put them together they make 1 good looking girl.

Shawntel is so cute sometimes. Other times, not. Her dad has a very creepy mustache. I think cops and funeral home directors have to have mustaches like that. And also pedophiles.

I don't know how I feel about a girl who wants to do the same job as her dad, especially when it's a funeral director and it's in Chico.

First, Shawntel's dad might be gay. Second, he starts guilting Shawntel about leaving Chico. Oh man. Poor Shawntel. No wonder she's still there. 90% chance this dude has a basement like the one at the end of "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" (how about that reference, ladies?).

Not to get too deep here, but you can't help but think about that whole nature vs. nurture thing. If Shawntel had Chantal's parents, she'd probably be...well, not a funeral director in Chico. Her family is holding her back, big time.

And finally, the date we've been waiting for: Emily. It's in Charlotte, North Carolina. Emily reunites with her daughter Ricky. She's a cute little blonde thing...and so is her daughter.

Wow. She has her dad's face! And I don't even know what her dad looks like. But she does. That's a little freaky. Ricky is afraid of Brad and hides on her mom's butt. She's 5 and almost taller than Emily.

Brad has a gift for her. I'm thinking it's a race car. Or a private jet. Nope, instead he goes with something that won't make them both cry: a kite.

But Ricky hates Brad at first. There's no way Brad is ready for this. He's from Texas. They only have kids with their own sperm there.

Here's a thought, Emily and Brad: maybe Ricky isn't shy because of Brad, maybe it's the 13 person TV crew in her bedrrom while she sleeps.

Emily has a nice house. I have a feeling if they get together, Brad needs to move to Charlotte and not the other way around. Think about them as a couple in Texas:

"Hey, I'd love to play some more candyland with the kid, but I have to go to the awesome bar I own and make sure they're letting enough hot chicks in".

Brad gives her a weird speech about how he's not gonna kiss her. Emily doesn't like it. She needs loving. It's been awhile, folks. He's creeped out by the kid, and I don't blame him. But still, it's Emily. Give up the goods!

Brad is about as uncomfortable as we've ever seen him, and that includes that time he dumped DeAnnna on national TV. Finally, Emily forces a kiss. Brad says "kissing this woman is so perfect". Well, if there was no kid up stairs it would be a little more perfect.

We're back in New York for the...

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Shawntel or Ashley? Shawntel.

However, Chantal looks awful right now. I cannot stress enough how bad she looks. She is wearing a red dress and looks like a nose tackle for the 49ers. Too much Putsin! Now I think there is no way she can win. It has to be Emily. I flip flop more than John Kerry.

ASHLEY - whoa! With the 1st rose? We're on upset alert.

EMILY - If he gets rid of Chantal my mind will be blown...

CHANTAL - all is right with the world.

I have a feeling they just ordered it like that for the drama of him saying Chantel/Shawntel.

Well, the city of Chico can breathe a sigh of relief. The Funeral home business will live on. Right now, Shawntel is thinking, "hmmm, I wonder if the crematorium was a bad idea".

The 3 remaining girls stand together, Ashley goes "that's scary, cause that's gonna be one of us next week". Emily gives her a look like, "it ain't gonna be me".

Shawntel has a graceful exit. There are some tears. And I feel like she saw a bigger potential for herself, and now she has to go back to her crappy life. Maybe this will allow her to bust out of her dad's dungeon/basement.

I love how she has nothing but glowing things to say about Brad.

Next week: South Africa! Lions! Tigers! Apartheid! Bachelor Copter! Fantasy suites!

Please give me the effort you gave last week with the comments. I loved it. Some topics: Chantal vs. Emily? Chantal's weight. What is Ashley doing here? Shawntel's dad. The funeral home debacle. Emily's kid and her lack of Emily genes.

Discuss!

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An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 3

Here's Chapter 1 and Chapter 2, now where was I?

Oh yeah, I was writing my next screenplay, called "Freedom Island".

It was inspired by my favorite movie at the time, "Out of Sight. And I wanted to do something where 2 characters fell in love who absolutely could never be together. In "Out of Sight", it's a Federal Marshall and a criminal, in "Freedom Island" it's a Nazi girl and a Jewish guy.

I started writing, and for whatever reason, it came really easy - much easier than my first script, "The Target". Everything was flowing and I felt good about it. Usually around page 60 you are dying, but with this, it just worked. It was a breeze. Writing movies is easy!

I did a rewrite, and then eagerly gave it to my TV writing boss.

Well, maybe there was a reason it came so easily...it wasn't that good. She wasn't as enthused by this script as the previous one. But she did very kindly give me some constructive notes. However, there were no offers to send it around town.

I worked on it some more, but the spark faded. At some point I realized it was kind of a dumb idea. It was funny to me, and quirky, but maybe a little too quirky. I abandoned it.

To make matters worse, my boss's development deal was about to end. The best thing that could've happened was that she sold a show, it got on the air, and she hired me as a writer. And she definitely would have. So I felt like I was within spitting distance of the holy grail: a sitcom staff writing job.

Unfortunately, the best thing didn't happen. The worst thing happened. She did not sell a show, her deal ended, and I was out of a job. That was 2 years of my life, and I had absolutely nothing to show for it. I mean, nothing.

She was fine. She quickly got a job on a big NBC show. She vowed to hook me up with an assistant gig there. So I went into interview with the Executive Producer (who is still a big time guy in the "biz"). I did my research, and discovered he was a 5 time Jeopardy champion. Since I love Jeopardy, this seemed like a great thing to bring up.

We sat in the commissary at Dreamworks and I don't think I was the best part of his day. He was not happy to be there. During the uncomfortable silence, I quickly brought up Jeopardy. He made it very clear that he did not want to talk about that. At all. He wanted to talk about fax machines. Here is his exact quote:

"When I tell you to fix the fax machine, I don't want you to tell me how to fix the fax machine, I want you to fix the fax machine for me"

I'll take douches for $800, Alex.

He was very concerned about that fax machine. So basically I had gone from almost writing sitcoms for a living, to praying to God I could work for the lazy asshole with the faulty fax machine.

To this day, I fucking hate that guy. It was literally a 20 minute meeting, and I still can remember every awkward second of it. I was actually relieved when I didn't get the job, though I probably shouldn't have been. That would've been a nice opportunity.

Incidentally, he ended up giving the job to his babysitter. I'm not kidding. And they let her write an episode! That's how close I was to the dream. She never wrote anything else again, and she's still an assistant...8 years later.

Anyway, I was out on the street. It's not a good feeling. There are so many people competing for everything, it feels like it's impossible to get someone to pay you for anything. But through a friend, I got a job working on "Celebrities Uncensored" on E!. Which seemed awful at the time, but turned out to be a lucky break. More on that in future chapters...

I kept writing.

Over that summer, I wrote a movie called "Putz".

"PUTZ"

LOGLINE:

An overweight, cocky, know it all NBA mascot screws up on national TV, and it has to go work in a women's basketball league in order to win back his dream job.

This is the script where I learned what my "process" was (yes, I have a process for writing scripts that don't sell). And it goes like this:

I plow ahead, and write the whole thing as fast as I can.
I read it over, and realize that it is awful and I can't show it to anyone.
I set it aside for months.
I read it again, and realize that I am a genius!
It never goes anywhere, and I'm forced to move on.
I read it again years later, and realize I am, in fact, not a genius, I suck.

So I banged that out in like a month. If you look at the formula above you know that at this point I realized that it was awful. So I immediately started writing something else. This was "The Ex Factor".

"THE EX FACTOR"

LOGLINE:

An engaged couple - both former "players" - must confront everyone they've ever had sex with before they get married.

Keep in mind, I wrote this before "Little Black Book" and "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" and every other movie that has done this same thing.

This took me another month, and of course, I then realized it was awful. But then I reread "Putz", and I was a genius again!

But I no longer had anyone to help me. I gave the script to whoever would take it. This included lots of people at E! This resulted in a whole lotta nothing.

But then, a good friend of mine, who just started working at a production company, took a liking to it. And he showed it to his bosses, and they showed it to their bosses. And it was through this process that I realized that it took about 100 miracles for a screenplay to sell.

This one didn't sell, but it did get optioned. They were very complimentary about the script, and had a few notes, and wanted me to rewrite it. And they wanted to option it for 6 months. I received actual money for it. Well, it was barely money. It was loose change, really.

But it was something! I had optioned a script. I was a real, working writer...sort of. And I felt like I was on my way!

Next time...

I wasn't on my way at all. Putz dies. But another movie I write gets made into a real feature film that gets released in real theaters and this is somehow a really, really bad thing.

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I Think Our Defense Budget Is Too High

Right now, our entrusted elected officials are trying to figure out what to cut from the budget, and they just can't figure out what to cut. Everything is so damn necessary!

However, our defense budget is currently bigger than the next 19 countries combined. Couldn't we just be bigger than the next 10 countries combined? 12? 14? No? Okay.

Meanwhile, this is what other countries (okay, Egypt) are using for helmets.

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Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 7. "...please"

Anguilla.

It's weird, there have been some seasons where it's 2 episodes and then hometown visits, and then this one, where it's never ending and there are still like 10 girls left. I can't believe Ashley and Britt are still here. Neither can they.

Luckily, 2 girls go home tonight and then we finally meet some (no doubt, creepy) families.

Hey Britt, the thousand ear rings aren't helping your ear problem.

There will be 3 one on one dates with no rose, and one group date with a rose. The first one on one date is with Emily. I'm sure it will involve flying on a plane and watching Nascar.

And just as I type that, the Bachelor Copter makes an appearance! Usually the Bachelor Copter is only about romance and pure joy, but with Emily it just brings remembrances of dead fiances.

They fly out to a cool little island in the middle of the Caribbean. Brad and Emily have nothing to talk about. Here's an idea: her dead fiance! That's always a great conversation starter for them.

Brad tells her he "cares for her more than he can say", so she lays a smooch on him. They've literally said nothing to each other other than "dead fiance", "plane crash", and "I am physically attracted to you". Which I imagine is probably as deep of a relationship as Brad has ever had.

Emily still doesn't know if she wants Brad to meet her daughter. Sweetie, you've been on 2 dates, it's time.

Brad asks her straight up if he can meet the kid. Emily isn't going for it. She always says how "scared" she is. I have no idea what she is saying right now, is that a yes or a no?

Let's face the facts, everyone: Emily is dumb. Pretty? Yes. A sympathetic figure? No doubt. Really, really pretty? Absolutely. But dumb, dumb, dumb. Or maybe just everyone with a southern accent is dumb. It could just be that.

Brad goes off book! He tells Emily she's getting a rose. Somewhere Chris Harrison is angry: my "this is last rose of the evening" line will have no meaning now! Poor Chris.

Shawntel gets the next one on one. Brad "takes" her on a bike ride. They go to a farmer's market. Shawntel starts "tripping out a little bit because this is, like, my perfect date".

So your perfect date is going to a farmer's market? Go big, Shawntel.

Brad and Shawntel start playing dominos with the local black people. Racist. What's next? Drinking 40's? Where's Dough Boy at?

You can totally tell that the black people are shocked that this white girl is named Shawntel.

Because of all this, Shawntel thinks "this is a man I'd like to marry". Here's to low expectations. You can take the girl out of Chico...

I'll say this, Shawntel is a nice, solid girl. There's nothing too wrong with her - she's attractive, cool, relatively normal - but she just isn't next level shit. Oh, and she is a funeral director from Chico with no dead fiances.

Shawntel tells Brad she's falling in love with him. Weird. They don't seem that close at all.

Brad opens up to Shawntel about his dad and it surprises him. Therapy works! But I seem to remember him talking about his dad to like 10 other girls.

Oh my God, Shawntel just said when he comes to Chico he'll fall in love with it there. Even people in Chico are laughing at that.

When Shawntel and Brad kiss each other, they also like to choke each other. It's a choke kiss. Contrasting that with Michelle, who you just want to choke without the courtesy of a kiss.

Oh snap! During dinner, a concert breaks out featuring the most famous singer in Anguila! I don't even have to tell you who that is, cause he's so famous. Wait, you don't know? Dummies, it's Banky Bank. Yes, the Banky Bank. For realz.

Brad and Shawntel now seem way more like a couple than he and Emily.

The voting has closed and we have an upset: Brad and Shawntel are tied for the worst tattoo ever. You can't call Shawntel's a tramp stamp because stamps aren't the size of a human being's back.

The last one on one goes to...Britt, and she is relieved. Upon hearing the news, here's what Michelle has to say (and her delivery is great. Calm and scary, think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction):

"Brad and Britt are apparently going to be setting sail on the sea of love. But I think there's a good chance, their ship. Will. Go. Down".

Wait, what about the monkeys? Will they eat their faces off? Don't forget about the monkeys.

Britt is the skinniest girl here. You could fit 3 of her into 1 Chantal. Her ears are half her body weight.

Michelle says that not only can she not see them falling in love, she can't even see Brad friending her on facebook. Ooh, social media slams, ouch. Know what's better than Ian Ziering's million dollars? Carlos Boozer's millions of dollars.

Emily's 5 year old daughter has a curvier body than Britt.

Brad is concerned because he doesn't have the urge to grab and kiss Britt. That means you're not a pedophile.

What are they feeding Chantal at this resort?

Brad isn't into Britt at all, which is funny because he's given her a rose the last 5 weeks.

Brad is winding up into his "it's over" speech, and Britt jumps in with "today couldn't have been better". It's really funny, because Brad has to quickly get back on point and he scrambles to do so. He goes, "there is a but coming up"...

Finally, he goes "I don't see a future with you". Man, that is tough. So hard to say that. Props to Brad for laying down the law. Whew, that one made me uncomfortable. Maybe it's because she didn't see it coming, or because she looks like she's 7.

Also, cut your hair. You're not Goldilocks.

Brad told her while they were eating on a yacht and now sends her off on a dinghy! Oh, the dreaded dinghy dump!

Group date. Michelle, Chantal, and Ashley. A rose is on the line. Brad wakes them up at 2am. They don't look happy. Or cute.

They are going to do a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. The lady in charge asks the girls, "are you ready to feel sexy?" I'm guessing that's a no for Michelle, since she has a zit right between her eyes.

Ashley gets in a bikini and screams "NO BOOBS!". And she is right, she has no boobs.

Chantal says she is feeling like "a fattie" today. And says that she is "regretting eating so much the last couple of days". Ha! I told you! It's those darn island buffets.

Oh, poor Chantal. She is not looking her best. Her face looks good. Her boobs look big. But the tummy is struggling. I think she's expecting.

Michelle brags about her past modeling experience. Her boobs are so fake, you know what's not helping those babies? The 2 giant veins bulging out of them.

Michelle straddles Brad and makes out with him in front of the other girls. Chantal is delighted by this. Actually, she's not.

Brad immediately feels guilty about the kissing. Probably because he knows Chantal is the one and he just blew it. But something tells me he's going to be able to smooth things over. He's probably just bummed about the crying he's going to have to endure.

Ashley complains about feeling like the kid sister around passionate Michelle. You were the one yelling about your tiny boobs in front of Brad. Did you think that was going to help?

Whatever work out and diet program Brad is doing, Chantal needs to do.

Chantal says "I love you" more than I've ever said it in my entire life. Probably says more about me than it does her though.

God damn, Brad is handsome.

There's a growing feeling that Brad might be getting rid of Michelle today. Pretty crazy if Ashley holds on, but he has a weird thing with her. They're setting up a scenario where it's like, Michelle represents the old, "bad" Brad, and the other girls represent the new and improved, commitment Brad. But is he ready to say goodbye to that fun, banging insane broads like Michelle life?

Ashley is behaving like such a shit. I hate her now. More than Michelle. Why does he like her? It makes no sense. So of course he gives her the rose.

He awkwardly has to pick up the rose in front of Michelle and Chantal, and they're not happy. It's funny. But Miss No Boobs is thrilled.

Every imitation of Brad has to end with the word "...please". "Come here to me...please". "Will you come with me...please". "Have faith in the process...please". "Can I sit...please?"

Chantal breaks down. She's like, if you can't choose me out of 3 girls, then let me go home. Brad has to explain how this show works. He's basically saying, "Hey, idiot. I'm giving you a rose later so relax", but she refuses to pick up on it.

This episode is like New Years Eve for Chantal, cause tomorrow she is going to start working out.

Brad tells Chris he doesn't need the cocktail party, he's ready to make his decision.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It has to be Michelle...

EMILY - true to his word.

SHAWNTEL - just to torture Chantal a little longer.

CHANTAL - ding dong, the bitch is dead.

The question now is, will Michelle boil his bunny? I feel like she's leaving with a whimper. Brad says, in typical Brad fashion: "can I walk you out...please?"

I know no one is a fan of Michelle's, but I'm going to miss her. She was drama, and comedy. And I wanted to check out her family. The show won't be the same without her. As opposed to Ashley, who brings absolutely nothing to the table.

Michelle doesn't say anything. She just gets in the limo. Damn. I wanted to see one last bit of crazy.

Brad, very respectfully, describes why he did it. Namely, the physical attraction would wear off. And he didn't like the way they kept butting heads and her intensity was too much.

Michelle just lies in the limo, not even giving us the satisfaction of tears.

Next week, hometowns...and kids. And there's still 2 Ch/Shantels! Who had that prop bet? None of you!

I've just written 10,000 words, I'd like some comments from you. Let's go...

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The Post Grammy Show Was a Little Disturbing

I watched the Grammys. I'm so glad Esperanza Spaulding got recognized, you couldn't not hear one of her gigantic hit songs this year. I predicted on twitter that with any luck, she may go on to become the next India.Arie.

The local news kept teasing that after the show there was "explosive new information about the murder of Notorious B.I.G.". So I kept it on CBS after the Grammys, and then this happened...



I was in bed, and I let out a very loud "HOLY SHIT!".

I thought I had lost my mind, or maybe there was something wrong with the TV. Luckily, there's such a thing as a rewind button now. I watched it a good 15 more times. Very disturbing.

Well, we also have the internet now, and it was everywhere today. She did not have a stroke, she's fine. I'm not sure what happened, maybe Satan grabbed a hold of her at exactly the wrong time and made her speak in tongues.

But now that we know she's not dead, hilarious.

As for the Grammy Awards, here are the actual best albums of the year:

1. R. Kelly "Love Letter"

I'm not kidding. Listen to it. It's amazing.

2. B.O.B "The Adventures of Bobby Ray"

3. Big Boi "Sir Lucious Left Foot"

4. Drake "Thank Me Later"

5. The Dream "Love King"

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A Goodbye to Friday Night Lights

Friday Night Lights ended last night. Well, at least for those of us living in the 21st century. For the rest of you still using, ahem, cable, I guess it will end in a couple months. It's sad that it has to leave at all.

It's probably had one of the more interesting runs on television. Mostly because it pioneered the "premiere on Direct TV and then on real TV 5 months later" format, which hopefully will never be duplicated because it is awful. On the other hand, thank God for the Direct TV deal or we wouldn't have had the last 3 seasons.

There have been a few missteps along the way - a murder/cover up comes to mind - but mostly it's just been brilliant. And the thing I liked most was the tone - not cartoony drama combined with moments of comedy. And also sports.

When this show debuted, I was skeptical at best. First of all, why make a TV show of a just okay movie? And second, why put a show called Friday Night Lights on Tuesday nights?

But they nailed it pretty much right away. The shooting style was cool, and the casting was spot on. I never liked Connie Britton on "Spin City", but there's no doubt she was the right Tami Taylor. Kyle Chandler was another homerun, as was the incomparable Tim Riggins.

I never thought anyone could be welcomed into the man love pantheon along side such folk heroes as Brandon Walsh and Pacey Witter, but Tim Riggins not only enters that realm, he might be its king. If nothing else, he's our fullback.

As good looking as the people on this show are, it was also a showcase for character actors, also known as ugly actors. I'm pretty sure Buddy Garrity will never be a regular on a TV series again, unless they bring back Walker Texas Ranger. And how about Landry Clarke? Some call him a retarded Matt Damon, I call him hilarious.

As much as "Glee" claims to be about the outcasts of high school, could Landry Clarke be on that show? Hey, he has a band, he plays music, could he be in Glee? Hell no. The man is a mutant. But he's awesome, and not a stereotype, and that's why Glee sucks - and my feelings on that have nothing to do with my hatred of gays.

Most teen shows fight tooth and nail to keep their cast together, even as the high schoolers turn into 50 year old Andrea Zuckermans. Friday Night Lights didn't do that. Sure, it probably was a budgetary thing, and it is odd that a show with such low ratings turned young unknowns into movie stars - but I guess the fact that it had Coach and Tami Taylor as such strong, adult anchors that it was able to do that.

Still, the loss of Riggs and Matt Saracen hurt the show. I don't think they did as good a job as casting on the second go around as they did in the first. Vince is all right, so is Luke. But where they dropped the ball was replacing Minka and Tyra.

Some of the best moments involved the Riggins, Minka, Six love triangle, and the Saracen, Julie, Coach Taylor awkward triangle. Things weren't the same with that team manager girl (Jess) and Becky, and those relationships just weren't as compelling.

So I felt it dragged this season, and then really picked up for the last 5 episodes, when the old favorites started coming back to town. That's all I'll say about the last season for you cable people, and I don't think that ruins anything.

Anyway, it sucks that it's over. I will miss Friday Night Lights. And I will really miss Tim Riggins.

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Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 6. Chantel Thinks It's the Finale

This seems like a superfluous episode: 2 hours just to see Jackie and Alli get the boot. But let's enjoy the heck out of it anyway...

We start with a shot of the Bachelor Copter! It's hovering over Costa Rica. God's country. Or something. Brad is there in a collared shirt looking at waterfalls and shit. Stuff is wearing heavily on his heart, and he's hoping "Costa Rica will provide some answers". Costa Rica isn't your therapist, Brad.

Brad shows the girls the resort, which is pretty sick. It overlooks a volcano, which seems like a terrible idea. It's like living in tornado alley, or New Orleans.

Chantel gets the one on one date. Michelle prays that "Chantel gets attacked by monkeys...or apes". She's right, she is so much more mature than the other girls.

Let's be honest, Chantel has the chubs gene. She's not there yet, but she will be someday. But for now, we should just enjoy her boobs.

Brad takes Chantel to the Bachelor Copter. I don't want to get presumptuous, but I'd assume they're gonna get a closer look at that volcano. This isn't my first rodeo.

Brad says "I don't think Chantel knows what I have planned for her". Yeah, Brad, I'm sure you planned this whole thing. You'd have better luck convincing me that you and your brother Chad are identical twins.

They're going zip lining. Ugh. I hate this daredevil shit. I can't help but think that young girls in this country are going to grow up thinking they must risk their lives to find love. You don't have to do it, ladies! Just dress nice and be cool, that's enough.

Brad and Chantel freak out when they see a monkey. Oh no! It's one of the killer monkeys sent by Michelle. She wasn't kidding.

Chantel says "I'm feeling things I dreamt of feeling one day, but haven't until now". Really? What about the dude you went out with for 10 years? Your baby daddy? Nothing? But 3 weeks with Brad and 2 dates got the job done, sounds realistic.

It starts raining on Chantel and Brad, so they take the party to a hotel room. Sometimes rain is God's rape drug.

Michelle speculates that the rain has ruined their date and Chantel might not be coming home. Cut to Chantel emerging from the hotel bathroom in Brad's shirt and nothing else. Yeah, I think she's gonna get a rose...and a wiener.

Chantel says "I'm crazy about you, do you know that?" Uh, I think he does, you told him you loved him yesterday.

She adds, "I want more of it, every day, forever". Yikes. Chantel, settle down. Let Michelle handle the crazy portion of the episode.

It is revealed that Alli is getting the other one on one date. That settles it, she's going home. He hasn't sent anyone home on a one on one yet, and it's time.

Group date. More risky behavior. No, not unprotected sex, they are going to repel down a waterfall. Michelle is pissed. She says her and Brad "made a pact never to repel with anyone else". Oh, one of those "never repel" pacts. Those are in just about every romantic comedy.

Brad says he just wants to find a woman "he can have a little adventure with". How about a woman who you can sit on a couch with? Cause that's what I like. Hey babe, how about a little less repelling and a little more passing the popcorn?

All the girls but Michelle go. Brad confirms to her that he remembered the pact, and they are going to repel together. How insane is this? Who has a repel pact? That's not something that people have.

And how does Brad know that Michelle didn't have a repel pact with Carlos Boozer or Steve Sanders? She could be some kind of repel slut.

Just saw a commercial for that show "Secret Millionaire" and had a brainstorm. They should combine the Bachelorette and Secret Millionaire. One of the 25 guys vying for love should be a millionaire. Who's not watching that?

Next, they all take a dip in the hot spring. Michelle says "seeing Brad without his shirt on makes you wanna go home and masturbate". They bleeped masturbate, so that's a guess. An educated guess.

Jackie gets alone time and hates on Brad for repelling with Jackie. Holy crap, how many times can this be brought up? The repel pact is ruining lives!

I don't know why, but I seriously have a crazy, uncontrolled hatred of Alli. Just the idea that she thinks she's getting a rose tonight enrages me. I think it's her teeth or her mouth in general that does it.

Emily gets alone time. She says she likes him and it scares her. And adds that she normally sabotages good relationships. If she's with someone she likes, she runs away. Just what every guy wants to hear. I have a feeling this is going to come up later and she's going to run right off this show.

Back at the house, there's a beetle on the table. Alli freaks the fuck out. Chantel calmly puts it on a magazine to take it out of the house, but also taunts Alli with it and Alli screams and throws something. Brad, in a hot spring with Michelle, can hear the screams and is like "what the hell?" Just a funny moment.

Meanwhile, Michelle hates on Chantel. Then Brad busts on her, like "you have to let my decisions be my decisions". Nicely done. Then she gives up and just starts making out with him. Even nicer.

Britt is getting no air time. Not looking good for her right now.

Brad doesn't give a rose on this date, frankly because no one deserves one.

It's Alli time. They get on horses. And Brad reveals that they're going spelunking. Yes, spelunking. Typical first date stuff. Don't worry, Alli, I'm sure there aren't any beetles in the dark cave.

Brad points out a spider and she freaks. She's like how Indiana Jones was with snakes, only with a really weird mouth.

Next, they come upon some bats and she freaks out even more. This show is just devolving into fear factor. Next she's gonna have to eat Brad's testicles.

They have dinner and make small talk. Brad tells us that the conversation sucks. It's sucked the whole time with her, but now he's bringing it up because it's time for her to go.

Alli tells Brad about breaking up with her last boyfriend, and she doesn't realize that she's describing exactly how Brad feels about her. And after she's done, Brad goes "I know exactly what you mean". Ha.

It's staring her right in the face and she does not get it! It's so sad, in a way. But also not, because I don't like her.

Brad breaks her heart, and she says "I feel stupid right now". Uh, yeah. You should.

I'm very pleased with myself for this prediction, even though it was obvious.

Brad goes home to digest all of this. Normally, it would be therapist time. But that's an expensive international phone call, so Brad has to work out his issues on his own. Hopefully Costa Rica will give him the answers he seeks.

And then Costa Rica knocks on his door! Actually, no. It's one of the girls, she says "hola". Cut to commercial.

And of course it's Michelle. My sidekick here claims that Michelle's hairstyle is almost impossible to mess up, and yet right now on Michelle "it's a disaster". There's a single braid in the front, I don't know.

Brad doesn't seem that pleased to see her, and yet makes out with her anyway. Then Michelle tells him he needs to get rid of Chantel, and tells him the order in which to eliminate the girls:

Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Emily, and Ashley. She may be crazy, but that's not that far off.

Cocktail party. Brad takes Emily to a hammock. She earns some cool points by admitting that telling him she sabotages every relationship was the stupidest thing to say and who would want to hang out with someone like that? Amen. And yet, it was the truth so this will end badly.

Chantel is in a leopard print get up, and she's lucky she already has a rose. It's not good.

Brad gets Michelle alone, and lays down the law. It is nice. He tells her they've taken 10 steps back. His shrink, and the island of Costa Rica, would be so proud.

Michelle is a little slutty genius. Any time there is conflict between them, she just launches herself at his lips. Fight resolved.

Brad tells the girls that some of them were giving him grief about not giving a rose on the group date. Suddenly, Chantel turns into Joseph McCarthy. She leads a witch hunt and forces people to name names. Finally, Michelle admits that she went over to Brad's room the night before. She's the pinko.

Chantel gets Brad alone, and tells him she loves him. Jesus, woman! Hold back a little bit. You haven't even been to the fantasy suite yet. The fantasy might be small, if you know what I'm saying. Might want to get a look at it first.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Only one person is getting eliminated, which sucks. He could easily get rid of 3 and it would be fine. I'm sticking with my prediction of Jackie. Could be Britt though. Michelle will be getting the last rose, that's a lock.

ASHLEY - ugh, she's gone next week.

EMILY - so adorable and fragile

BRITT - sorry, Jackie.

SHAUNTEL - this is an easy, predictable week. I wrote her name before he said it.

MICHELLE - yep.

Oh Jackie, we hardly knew ya. I'm seriously, we barely knew your name. Don't know who you are or what you do, but goodbye. When he didn't break his repel pact to help you out even though you were the most scared, the writing was on the wall. Everybody knows repel pacts are non binding in international waters.

Brad is very sweet as he walks her out. I know there are a lot of complaints about Brad, many of which I agree with, but the reason he was a good bachelor last time is because he excels at these moments. The dude just knows what to say, and he doesn't make me uncomfortable, and that's why I like him.

Next week, Anguilla. Chantel breaks down, Emily sabotages things, and Michelle makes out. Business as usual.

Good night!

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Daniel's Unaired Super Bowl Commercial

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Gay Porn Viagra Boner Challenge

(WARNING: this post is slightly disgusting)

Okay, so I cheated a little bit. I didn't do "real" drugs. What? Did you think I was gonna shoot up heroin on TV? But I would argue prescription drugs are every bit as serious, if not more so, than street drugs. So I'm standing by my statement that it was my first drug experience.

I was very nervous about this. Getting a boner while watching gay porn on national TV isn't so bad, but getting a boner while watching gay porn in this office full of maniacs is a different story.

I can say with confidence that all of the other contestants were just as nervous about being ridiculed in the office every day way more than the TV thing. But we were focused on the task at hand.

We stood on the table, took Viagra, and began watching gay porn. And almost immediately, it happened. I had an impending bodily function that could not be restrained. But my wiener was not the problem.

I don't know if it was the drug, or the barbecue I had the night before, but I had to go. It came in waves, and I did my best to suppress it. That's why I looked so uncomfortable up there, oh, and also the extreme closeup of two men railing each other wasn't helping either. And I won't even mention the gentleman with a zipper for an asshole. Is that too far? Well, I'm the one who had to watch it, so deal with it.

I said I had to go. This was controversial. Immediately, an argument broke out. Should I be allowed to go? It's against the rules, it could make the whole contest obsolete.

There was talk of a "poop monitor" - someone who would accompany me to the toilet and observe me to make sure I stayed flaccid. This was unacceptable to me. I have enough trouble pooping with someone on the other side of the door.

Finally, after an hour and a half of nothing close to boners, it was decided we could get a 5 minute break. It was pretty clear nothing was going to happen at that point. So I ran to the bathroom, sat down, and let loose. I felt a million times better.

I went back to the gay porn, and we gave it another half hour, and then at long last called it a bit with disappointing results.

And that was the Gay Porn Viagra Boner Challenge, and my first experience with drugs. I learned a valuable lesson: next time I'm backed up, I might try the little blue pill.

Tosh.0
Tags: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

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I'm Sure This Will Be a Huge Hit

Summit Entertainment has acquired Unexpected, a pitch comedy that will be written by Ian Deitchman and Kristin Rusk Robinson, based on a treatment by Jennifer Eatz. The writers, who scripted the Katherine Heigl-Josh Duhamel-starrer Life As We Know It, this time focus on a husband and wife who find out they're expecting their second child. While he's thrilled, she has reservations because her first pregnancy was tough. After an untimely run-in with an ancient fertility totem, they switch bodies, and he gets to experience the business end of pregnancy.

Oh, they wrote the Katherine Heigl/Josh Duhamel movie? Then they must know what they're doing.

Incidentally, this is why I always avoid those darn "ancient fertility totems".

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Jay Leno Threw Up on Ellen Pompeo

Even worse: bangs.

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