Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 8. Meet the Family

It's the hometown visit episode. That means the girls don't have to hang out with each other anymore. Which is interesting, especially if you're a Michelle conspiracy theorist. She was only awesome when having to interact with the other girls on group dates, and now there are no more group dates. Maybe she was a plant for drama. Hmmm.

Brad is in New York. I wonder if this is as long as he's ever been away from his therapist. Brad goes through his experiences with each girl "in his mind". All guys have that mental rolodex, but we usually only use it for masturbating, not time-filling Bachelor montages.

The first hometown is with Chantal in Seattle. Wait, why was he in New York? Just a stop over? I'm confused.

Chantal looks a little better than we last saw her. But she might be wearing spanx. Spanx are the scourge of bachelors everywhere.

Chantal brags that she lives 4 streets away from her parents. Just what every fella wants to here. You mean my in laws can just walk over anytime they want? Yey! As an added bonus: she has 2 cats and a dog. Don't make me hate you, Chantal.

She lives in a house. Keep in mind she's a professional assistant. People never talk about the good part about being divorced.

Her dog is wearing a sweatshirt and has a tiny body and a giant head. It is a mutant dog. I have no idea what that thing is, but it is frightening. It's like one of those stuffed animals you can win in those machines at arcades, but alive.

Brad shares that he lives in a loft downtown that is tiny. Chantal isn't pleased. She's worried about closet space. She needs to be worried about that freak show of a dog.

Chantal takes Brad to her parent's house, and it is a fricking mansion. Dollar signs pop up in Brad's eyes, and he's immediately willing to forgive the dog and the cats and sell his bar and move to Seattle. Some research indicates that Chantal's dad played in the NFL. Here's some info:

He played defensive back at Cal, then the Seahawks. He now owns one of the Northwest's biggest auto empires with eight dealerships in Seattle, Tacoma, Bellevue and Kirkland.

Important note: Chantal's mom is skinnier than she is, and good looking. That has to be a great sign for Brad. Unfortunately, she has those strange, older lady fake boobs.

Chantal and her mom could do mother daughter porn and you wouldn't know which one to focus on. She's a good looking lady, is what I'm saying.

Oh boy, you'd think Chantal would be safe from the water works at home, but here they come. She cries talking to her mom about having the "love" feelings again. Her mom hugs her and gives her a kiss, uh oh, this is exactly how my porn scenario played out!

Brad and Chantal's dad bond over not having dads. Remember, this is the subject that Brad claims he never talks to people about. That's the only thing he talks about! Brad asks if Chantal is ready to settle down. Dad responds: "oh, she's been ready for a long time". Yikes.

Brad gets Chantal's dad's blessing and they awkwardly hug. Kinda funny. Chantal's dad loves Brad, and they do another hug, preceded by a strong, manly slap five handshake. I feel less heterosexual just watching it. These are men. Beefy, beefy men.

Brad doesn't want to leave Chantal. I can't believe people are still arguing with me that Chantal isn't going the distance. Chantal is ready, Emily is not.

2nd home visit is with Ashley in Maine. That's her hometown, but she doesn't live there now. It's worth saying again: I can't believe Ashley has made it this far. I don't care how oddly she says that she and Brad have "ssssparks!"

Wouldn't it make more sense for Brad to go from New York to Maine and work his way across the country? Ugh, if I think about the logistics and continuity issues here my head will explode.

Emily and Brad go to a restaurant, and she talks about her favorite dish, Putsin (sp?). It's basically fries with cheese and gravy. I think Chantal has been eating too much Putsin.

And yes, Putsin sounds dirty. Right now, Brad is going down on some Putsin. Lots of sex jokes tonight, people.

I guess the real question right now is: who gets eliminated tonight, Ashley or Shawntel? Judging from this date and the previews, I'd go with Shawntel.

You could fit Ashley's parents house into Chantal's entryway. And by entryway I mean her ass. Hey oh!

Ashley's family seem very chipper and goofy and fun. I thought Ashley's sister was wearing a weird shirt, but nope, she's got giant chest tattoos. Okay.

63% of Bachelor girls have better looking sisters.

They all eat giant lobsters. Cause it's Maine, that's all they have there.

Once again, I must mention how Brad shines in these situations. I think this is why I like him, because I am at my worst at these moments. But he can work a room.

For 2 minutes, everyone pretends like Ashley trying to be a dentist will ruin their relationship. Brad says "I'm wondering if I'm gonna hold Ashley back a little bit. I want her to follow her dreams, I want to support her, but that's a conversation Ashley and I need to have".

Uh, she's going to school to be a dentist, not an astronaut. I think she'll be all right, but I know how the grueling bar business can ruin your significant other's hopes and dreams.

3rd date, Chico, Ca with Shawntel. Again, New York to Seattle to Maine to California? That travel agent is ripping them off. Brad meets Shawntel at her funeral home. If I was her, I would tell the producers to screw off. I'm trying to marry this dude, not scare the shit out of him.

Did someone in the comments mention that Shawntel is blinky? Cause she is. She's giving DeAnna a run for her money, and that is saying something. It has to be affecting her vision.

Is "Welcome to Chico" an oxymoron? I might be using that term wrong.

Shawntel gives him a tour of the caskets, you know, normal hometown visit stuff. Then she shows him the crematorium. Brad says "if I'm with Shawntel, these are going to be our conversations...about death". I'm telling you, that therapist is working. Cause he is finally thinking clearly.

Brad lies on an embalming table and Shawntel gives a demonstration. It is extremely uncomfortable...for me. And also Brad. And America. The video for Thriller isn't as fun when it's the real thing.

Right now, Brad would kill to be knee deep in Putsin again.

God Damn, Brad has nice hair. And a nice body. My sister told me to mention that, I swear.

Shawntel is impressed with Brad. She says "oh my God, you can lie on a prep table. I've never had that before!" Why would you ever, ever want that before? That's how bad Chico is, the funeral home is like Nobu.

My made up statistics are never wrong: Shawntel has 2 good looking sisters. Okay, 1 and a half. If you put them together they make 1 good looking girl.

Shawntel is so cute sometimes. Other times, not. Her dad has a very creepy mustache. I think cops and funeral home directors have to have mustaches like that. And also pedophiles.

I don't know how I feel about a girl who wants to do the same job as her dad, especially when it's a funeral director and it's in Chico.

First, Shawntel's dad might be gay. Second, he starts guilting Shawntel about leaving Chico. Oh man. Poor Shawntel. No wonder she's still there. 90% chance this dude has a basement like the one at the end of "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" (how about that reference, ladies?).

Not to get too deep here, but you can't help but think about that whole nature vs. nurture thing. If Shawntel had Chantal's parents, she'd probably be...well, not a funeral director in Chico. Her family is holding her back, big time.

And finally, the date we've been waiting for: Emily. It's in Charlotte, North Carolina. Emily reunites with her daughter Ricky. She's a cute little blonde thing...and so is her daughter.

Wow. She has her dad's face! And I don't even know what her dad looks like. But she does. That's a little freaky. Ricky is afraid of Brad and hides on her mom's butt. She's 5 and almost taller than Emily.

Brad has a gift for her. I'm thinking it's a race car. Or a private jet. Nope, instead he goes with something that won't make them both cry: a kite.

But Ricky hates Brad at first. There's no way Brad is ready for this. He's from Texas. They only have kids with their own sperm there.

Here's a thought, Emily and Brad: maybe Ricky isn't shy because of Brad, maybe it's the 13 person TV crew in her bedrrom while she sleeps.

Emily has a nice house. I have a feeling if they get together, Brad needs to move to Charlotte and not the other way around. Think about them as a couple in Texas:

"Hey, I'd love to play some more candyland with the kid, but I have to go to the awesome bar I own and make sure they're letting enough hot chicks in".

Brad gives her a weird speech about how he's not gonna kiss her. Emily doesn't like it. She needs loving. It's been awhile, folks. He's creeped out by the kid, and I don't blame him. But still, it's Emily. Give up the goods!

Brad is about as uncomfortable as we've ever seen him, and that includes that time he dumped DeAnnna on national TV. Finally, Emily forces a kiss. Brad says "kissing this woman is so perfect". Well, if there was no kid up stairs it would be a little more perfect.

We're back in New York for the...

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Shawntel or Ashley? Shawntel.

However, Chantal looks awful right now. I cannot stress enough how bad she looks. She is wearing a red dress and looks like a nose tackle for the 49ers. Too much Putsin! Now I think there is no way she can win. It has to be Emily. I flip flop more than John Kerry.

ASHLEY - whoa! With the 1st rose? We're on upset alert.

EMILY - If he gets rid of Chantal my mind will be blown...

CHANTAL - all is right with the world.

I have a feeling they just ordered it like that for the drama of him saying Chantel/Shawntel.

Well, the city of Chico can breathe a sigh of relief. The Funeral home business will live on. Right now, Shawntel is thinking, "hmmm, I wonder if the crematorium was a bad idea".

The 3 remaining girls stand together, Ashley goes "that's scary, cause that's gonna be one of us next week". Emily gives her a look like, "it ain't gonna be me".

Shawntel has a graceful exit. There are some tears. And I feel like she saw a bigger potential for herself, and now she has to go back to her crappy life. Maybe this will allow her to bust out of her dad's dungeon/basement.

I love how she has nothing but glowing things to say about Brad.

Next week: South Africa! Lions! Tigers! Apartheid! Bachelor Copter! Fantasy suites!

Please give me the effort you gave last week with the comments. I loved it. Some topics: Chantal vs. Emily? Chantal's weight. What is Ashley doing here? Shawntel's dad. The funeral home debacle. Emily's kid and her lack of Emily genes.

Discuss!