(WARNING: this post is slightly disgusting)
Okay, so I cheated a little bit. I didn't do "real" drugs. What? Did you think I was gonna shoot up heroin on TV? But I would argue prescription drugs are every bit as serious, if not more so, than street drugs. So I'm standing by my statement that it was my first drug experience.
I was very nervous about this. Getting a boner while watching gay porn on national TV isn't so bad, but getting a boner while watching gay porn in this office full of maniacs is a different story.
I can say with confidence that all of the other contestants were just as nervous about being ridiculed in the office every day way more than the TV thing. But we were focused on the task at hand.
We stood on the table, took Viagra, and began watching gay porn. And almost immediately, it happened. I had an impending bodily function that could not be restrained. But my wiener was not the problem.
I don't know if it was the drug, or the barbecue I had the night before, but I had to go. It came in waves, and I did my best to suppress it. That's why I looked so uncomfortable up there, oh, and also the extreme closeup of two men railing each other wasn't helping either. And I won't even mention the gentleman with a zipper for an asshole. Is that too far? Well, I'm the one who had to watch it, so deal with it.
I said I had to go. This was controversial. Immediately, an argument broke out. Should I be allowed to go? It's against the rules, it could make the whole contest obsolete.
There was talk of a "poop monitor" - someone who would accompany me to the toilet and observe me to make sure I stayed flaccid. This was unacceptable to me. I have enough trouble pooping with someone on the other side of the door.
Finally, after an hour and a half of nothing close to boners, it was decided we could get a 5 minute break. It was pretty clear nothing was going to happen at that point. So I ran to the bathroom, sat down, and let loose. I felt a million times better.
I went back to the gay porn, and we gave it another half hour, and then at long last called it a bit with disappointing results.
And that was the Gay Porn Viagra Boner Challenge, and my first experience with drugs. I learned a valuable lesson: next time I'm backed up, I might try the little blue pill.
Friday, 4 February 2011
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