These Are the People You Will Pitch To

E! is getting into "scripted" programming. This shouldn't be that surprising because whatever the hot trend is in Hollywood and entertainment, E! is always 50 years behind it.

Kinda like how they passed on the pitch for "Survivor" and a bunch of other reality shows that became huge, and were only dragged into the 21st century by the genius, innovative minds of Ryan Seacrest and Kim Kardashian.

They sent out a press release last week touting the new scripted stuff they have in development. Some of it was very strange - not that they were bad, it was just you'd have a hard time imagining that type of programming on E! "And after an all new Chelsea Lately, it's a period drama about the Vanderbilts!" Come to think of it, I can't think of anything good coming after "Chelsea Lately", except for maybe a gun going off in my mouth.

But one little nugget struck me. Not because it was amazing, but because it seemed to be the perfect summation of an idea that a TV executive would think was good.

So when you're thinking up show ideas, please remember this:

Dorothy: The drama focuses on a girl from Kansas City, who falls for a man and moves with him to the Emerald City to work at his Emerald Hotel. "What we loved about this is that it's such a fresh idea about an ingenue coming to the Emerald City, which is an overlay of Los Angeles, and what that's like," notes Berger. The hour-long project, which is inspired by the books "Dorothy" and "The Wizard of Oz", comes from writer Natalie Krinsky and Warner Horizon Television.


"such a fresh idea..."

The show is called fucking Dorothy! It's about a girl in fucking Kansas who goes to the fucking Emerald City!

Where do these dream makers come up with this stuff?

This made me laugh because it reminded me for the millionth time that they don't want fresh ideas. They want ideas that they understand, and that they've heard before. A fresh idea would scare the shit out of them. 

They're so confused about this that they think a show called Dorothy about a girl from Kansas transported to the Emerald City is fresh. It makes sense in their head, I guess.

But I think it's an important thing to remember when pitching. Don't reinvent the wheel.

It makes me so mad that I didn't pitch them my show about this naive girl named Alice who goes to Wonder Land (New York) and meets peculiar creatures (blacks, puerto ricans, whites).

Wait a minute...that might be good, that is fresh stuff! I even have an idea for a spinoff, it's called The Matrix.

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Girls and Veep Update

As promised, I watched Veep on Sunday. Really enjoyed it. I liked the tone, the directing, the actors, it was really funny and good. No complaints.

I was really impressed how confident it felt for a pilot. It seemed like they had been doing the show a long time, and that's a hard thing to pull off.

I'm not sure why the "critics" have to slobber all over themselves about Girls and yet, although they liked Veep, didn't feel the need to pronounce it the greatest new thing on TV. I'm sorry, but Veep is a far better pilot than Girls. It just is.

Okay, onto Girls. I watched the 2nd episode, and I have to say, it was WAY better than the first episode. Way better. I actually laughed and thought it was a huge improvement.  The job interview scene was great, as was the last scene with the doctor. Good stuff.

But I'm still angry! Because from what I've been reading, if you say you don't like this show, you must be a jealous, misogynist, bitter human being with a penis and testicles.

Fuck you. That first episode wasn't that great. I'm allowed to not like things!

The people who like this show are so God Damn sensitive. Relax.

Part of the problem, I think, is that the critics got the first 3 episodes of the show to watch before the rest of us saw anything. And from those episodes they thought they had a great show on their hands. Meanwhile, they forgot that the FIRST of those three episodes sort of sucked a dick, so to speak. Again, that's not our fault.

Here's Molly Lambert from Grantland:

"Girls is hilarious, and that is why it's so contentious"

Yeah, you know how angry people get at shows for being so hilarious. That's why everyone hated Seinfeld.

No, the pilot was not hilarious. I did not laugh at it. And I know a lot of others who didn't laugh either. Did you ever think, even for a moment, that maybe it's contentious because YOU kept telling us it was hilarious and it wasn't? No? It's because I have a cock? Got it.

Another segment of the backlash against the backlash, is the argument that Lena Dunham (and the rest of the actresses) did not get ahead because of nepotism. I've seen this in various places but here's Molly Lambert again:

"Girls writer/director/creator Lena Dunham, is not well-known outside of the New York art world, and being Laurie Simmons's daughter is hardly the kind of key that opens doors in Hollywood"

Okay, bull fucking shit. Look, I don't care about nepotism, that's just the way the world works. But let's not start pretending that Lena Dunham didn't have a leg up on someone who came to New York (or Hollywood) not knowing a soul.

The fact is, growing up in New York amongst artists helps. Big time. Compare that to someone who grew up in Kansas and flies to Manhattan after college without any idea who anyone is or how to get a job. Yeah, I think a few doors were opened for Dunham at an early age.

I have friends who grew up in LA and friends who didn't grow up in LA. And there is a gigantic difference between them. The LA people are wired in on a completely different level. Same with people from Harvard. Tons of successful comedy writers have come from there, and it's a huge advantage to go there and work on the Lampoon. This isn't a bad thing, and I would never complain about it in a million years, but let's not deny how helpful it is.

Meanwhile, Brian Williams's daughter is going around telling everyone that she got the role because she made a youtube video that was miraculously spotted by Judd Apatow. Unfortunately for her, there are pictures of her and her dad palling around with Apatow years and years ago. But I'm sure that had nothing to do with it, right Tori Spelling?

Again, I'm fine with nepotism. But don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining. You got ahead because of who you knew, just like almost everyone else in New York and LA. Just be honest about it.

But back to the positives. The second episode was better. Hopefully the rest of the series will be more like that and not like the pilot. We can only hope. Because if it isn't, that means all of you not only hate Girls, you also hate girls.

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The Times They Are a Changing

It has been a tumultuous 2 weeks, to say the least. There have been many stressful, stomach turning days. Thankfully, everything has been resolved. But before I get to what the hell I am talking about, let's start at the beginning...

It was the summer of 2009. The Jay Leno Show was going to premiere in the fall, and the head writer wanted me to submit stuff to possibly work on it. At the same time, a little show on Comedy Central was interested in hiring me.

I spoke to my dad. He said it was a no brainer, go on Jay Leno. I explained to him that that wasn't necessarily the best move. Even though Jay was a big name on TV, and the host on the other show was not, there were good arguments to take the smaller show on the lesser network.

First of all, working on Jay might be a nice, steady gig that everyone will know about, but it might mean no one else would hire me again. Because no one respects Jay Leno. And when you have that credit attached to your name, it's like a Scarlet letter. But instead of an "A", it's an "H" for hack.

And there is no second of all.

So I took the job on the tiny show on Comedy Central that nobody thought much about. And no one watched. We had 10 episodes to make our mark, and we barely did. It was up in the air if we were going to get picked up. Luckily, the show is so cheap to produce, they gave us 6 more episodes because it barely cost them anything.

In the beginning, no one knew the show's name, and if they did, they said it wrong. I'd tell people what I was working on and they'd just give me a confused look. But we thought what we were doing was funny. And, in the first time in my career, we would just put the stuff we thought was funny on the air.

This may seem weird. Why doesn't everyone put the funniest thing on TV? Because they don't. Because the person who calls the shots didn't think of it and thought of a less funny thing to say. Because it might hurt someone's feelings. Because the host is good friends with J. Lo, or the President of the network pals around with Jessica Simpson's father.

Not on this show. There were countless times where we would be laughing at something in the room, and say "too bad we can't put that on TV". But then we actually would. Again, this normally doesn't happen and it was an incredible feeling. We couldn't believe the shit we were getting away with, and thanked the Lord we were blessed with a host brave enough to say what a lot of people on TV would be too afraid to say.

So while no one knew us and the ratings weren't great, at least we were going out on the stuff we liked.

Then a strange thing happened, people did start watching.

We got a second season, and more people started watching. And then a third, and suddenly we were the highest rated show on the network. It was great validation, apparently there were other people who found our mean inside jokes funny too.

Another great thing: sports jokes. This was the first time I had been on a show with a staff filled with people who loved sports. Even though that's not what our show was about, we loved wedging them in, and in my personal opinion, we did the best sports jokes that have been done on TV.

All in all, a pretty fantastic experience from a joke writing perspective.

Now we're in the middle of our 4th season. And for the first time since the beginning, I'm not working on it.

As you may or may not know, I've been trying to get into the ol' scripted game for a long time now. In the meanwhile, I've been writing the crap out of talk shows, sketch shows, variety shows, and whatever you call shows like The Soup. 

It's been fun, and a pretty good living, but it wasn't "the dream". And it wasn't creatively what I thought I could be my best at.

Enter Team Handleman. I mean, the new, improved, expanded Team Handleman. They read a script I wrote and thought it could do great things for me.

And I of course thought they were being agents. And by agents I mean liars.

They did what all agents do when you first allow them to "work for you" (that has to be in quotes because we all know that's how it is supposed to be but never really is), they actually worked for me.

They got me a lot of meetings. But that wasn't that surprising because there are always a lot of meetings. Hollywood loves meetings. Know what Hollywood loves more than meetings? Pushing meetings, rescheduling meetings, and getting your "avails" for other meetings.

This time, however, something actually happened. I got offered a job. On a sitcom on a big network.

This caused quite the dilemma. But in the end, scripted TV is what I've always wanted to do, and it was an offer that I just couldn't turn down. So after much contemplation and sitting on the toilet, I am now a sitcom guy.

I will refrain from discussing the show I got hired on until I start actually working there and determine how easily I can get fired.

So that's the big news. I just want to express how appreciative I am of the last show I was on, how awesome it was, and how shitty it is not being a part of that team anymore. I'm also sad that I will now be unable to bitterly mock the folks who do scripted shows, because I'm one of them now. But as they say, if you keep beating them in the ratings, join them.

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Let's Watch "Veep" Tomorrow

Another week, another new, critically acclaimed HBO show starring a funny lady. I've been really looking forward to this one, especially since two years ago everyone told me I couldn't do a show about politics. It's great having no clout in the business!

Anyway, hearing great things about this one and the previews look funny. Plus, Buster from "Arrested Development" is in it. How has that guy not been in more stuff since that show got canceled?

Hopefully, this one lives up to the hype.

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The Ultimate Outlier

I don't know how you feel about Malcolm Gladwell, but one of the things he wrote in "Outliers" that really spoke to me was about youth sports and birthdays.

The best way for me to explain it is this: let's say you have to be 5 years old to start kindergarten. Well, everyone's birthday is different so some kids turn 5 at the beginning of the school year, and some turn 5 at the end. So a kid who turned 5 at the beginning of the year is a full year OLDER than a kid who turned 5 at the end.

At that age, that's a big deal. The older kid is probably going to be more advanced, is probably going to get more attention, and is probably going to have a more opportunities.

I couldn't agree with this more. I feel like my entire life would be different if I had entered kindergarten a year later. But it's even more of a factor for one of my best friends, whose birthday is in August. Our other good friend's birthday is in September. We didn't think about it at the time, but they were actually a full year apart in age, yet in the same grade.

He had to be one of the youngest kids in our class. Not a big deal, you may think. But it just so happens that in his first year of college, he GREW A FOOT TALLER.

He wasn't a force on our high school basketball team at 5'11, but he would've been at 6'7". His parents fucked us out of a state championship...or at least possibly (though I doubt it) a few more wins. Go Cougs! Beat the Mats!

There has been more attention paid to this recently because 60 Minutes did a story about it - apparently a lot of parents read Gladwell's book and are following that advice.

My sisters have kids, so do a lot of my friends, and I yell at them about this. And yet, they don't care. They think it's no big deal.

All right, fine.

In a completely separate story, my mom and sister have been telling me to read a book called "Don't Put Me In, Coach" by Mark Titus.

I know of Mark Titus because he is a semi-famous sports blogger. His fame came from the fact that he was a walk on to the Ohio St. basketball team and never got off the bench, and would write funny things about his plight.

So I finally started reading this book. At the very beginning, he writes about his childhood experience, and how "for some reason" he was the first kid in his class to hit puberty and was bigger and taller than all of the other kids.

Well, needless to say, alarm bells started going off in my brain. I immediately went on wikipedia to see when this dude was born. Guess what: it was in late June.

He was 19 years old when he started his freshman year at Ohio St. Contrast this to my 6'7" friend, who turned 19 AFTER his freshman year.

Do you see what's going on here? It wasn't a coincidence that he hit puberty before everyone else and was bigger than the other kids, he was older than them! By a lot.

Now, you might say, that's not that big a deal. 

Ha! Not according to Mark Titus. According to him, being bigger than the other kids completely changed his life in every way imaginable. Because of it, he was too big to play basketball with his schoolmates. He had to join an AAU club team, and by joining a club team, he then got recruited to the best club team, where his teammates were Greg Oden and Mike Conley, the two studs on Ohio St. who helped get him on the team.

Here's a little bit from the book:

"For the time being, what was important was that I had my foot in the door and was now a member of the best AAU team in the country. The opportunities that came with this would prove to be staggering, as there's no way in hell I ever would have played at Ohio St, become one of the most famous walk-ons of all time, or been give n a book deal to talk about it all had I never been on that AAU team. Basically, my entire identity would have been completely different from what it is today."

It's important to note that Mark Titus' stopped growing soon after this. His coaches thought he was going to grow into a monster, but he pooped out before junior high was over. And yet the head start he was given, with the false notion that he was ahead of his classmates, put him in such a great situation that the tide carried him up to the big time anyway. It's almost like a scam. 

Very interesting stuff. I'm sure when I have a kid I will remember this, and then be so happy to get them out of the house that I won't give a shit. Because being a parent is hard.

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Did You Like "Girls"?

I don't know if I can remember a show as hyped by the critics as "Girls" on HBO. There was not a single bad word said about it. That pretty much never happens.

So I watched it with a lot of expectations. I didn't want to hate it. As I've mentioned here before, usually when something gets near universal acclaim, it's at least pretty good. I trust you people.

Well, after about a thousand tweets from every TV critic about how I had to see this show, I finally saw it. And...it was all right. I wouldn't say it was good. It wasn't awful. I don't know, I got the feeling that perhaps this was one of those shows that I wasn't smart enough to understand.

But who can understand it?

It seems like it has a very specific audience: Unattractive girls in their '20's in New York. That's it. I'm sure if I was that, I would be losing my mind over this show.

Again, I didn't think it was bad. I'm just a little surprised by the total love fest. Perhaps the universal acclaim from critics came from the fact that Lena Dunham, who is only 20 something years old, wrote and directed this thing. I saw that someone compared the show to Louie, which Louis CK writes and directs (and edits and casts and key grips).

I can see that. But here's the thing: I don't really get Louie that much either. Although I watch every episode (and probably will continue to watch "Girls"), I would call it wildly inconsistent. I usually get one good laugh per episode. And there are other episodes I'd just label "interesting".

It seems like he's getting brownie points for doing everything. There's nothing the critics hate more than a show that has been produced by a bunch of people and a bunch of money was poured into making it good. How dare you try to get everything right and be completely entertaining to a wide audience! It's an excuse for them to hate you.

As with Louie, she did it all by herself! Could you do this all by yourself? I couldn't! Then you have to say it's amazing because they did it completely on their own.

Well, that doesn't help my viewing experience. I don't care how many writers are on it or if Michael Bay directed. I just watch things. For what they are. Not for the back story. While I give her props for obviously being talented as hell, that's not helping me enjoy the show more.

And while "Girls" seems okay, and I hear that it gets better, I don't see the amazingness of it. But again, it's probably just not for me.


Now let's talk about what we're not allowed to talk about:

Lena Dunham's looks.

In none of the reviews was this mentioned. And I think it deserves mentioning, at least for the fact that you don't see people on TV that look like her. Isn't that something that critics love to pat themselves on the back about? Diversity! Real looking Women! Yay us!

It just so happens I watched this show with a certain young lady. And I did not say a word about anything. About 10 minutes in, she turns to me and says:

"I can't watch a whole show with this gross looking girl"

So save your misogynist shit. I didn't say it! A woman did.

Maybe "Girls" is like "Louie". Cause Louis CK is not fun to look at either. Maybe this is becoming a whole new sub genre of complex character comedies - watching ugly people have sex. 

I'm all for it, because if there's one thing there's a lot of on TV, it's good looking people having sex. There should at least be an ugly alternative to help get rid of my boner.

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Ann Romney is the Hardest Worker in America

I have returned from Vegas. Somewhere around 10 thousand bumpy feet in the air I decided that I may never fly to Vegas again. God clearly hates it there, and he has taken it out on the jet stream over the city. It's fucking frightening. I was pretty sure we were going down both on our final descent into Vegas as well as take off out of there. Not cool, God.

But while I was away there were a couple of political things worth mentioning, cause I know how everyone is dying for me to talk about political stuff. However, I will say that my sister says she gets all of her news from this blog, so this is actually educational stuff.

So, George Zimmerman got arrested and charged. And I have a big question about this case. It's this: how does everyone know what side to be on?

In other words, how did conservatives all know that they were supposed to be anti Trayvon Martin and pro the guy who shot him?

I wonder about this on a lot of issues. How do they know so fast? Is there a memo that goes out? Shouldn't we all individually look at things and come up with our own individual opinion? How come ALL republicans are not for the unarmed kid that's dead. Strange.

You'd think that the totally not racist at all Republicans might want to take the black kid's side, just for appearance's sake. But alas, no. If it's black, they can't crack.

I have no idea if Zimmerman is going to get convicted. But I do know that no matter how much weed Trayvon smoked or how many times he said the N word or how much he loved grills, it doesn't change the fact that he wasn't carrying a gun that night, and the other dude was.

But I'm very interested in this "Stand Your Ground" law. In fact, it's been a bit of a brain buster for me, see if you can figure it out:

If you're busy standing your ground, at what point is the person you're standing your ground against standing his ground? It seems like sooner or later you're both allowed to stand your ground and it's a fight to the death. Florida is beyond Thunder Dome!

Okay, other political shit storm this week: Apparently, President Obama hates stay at home moms...or something. I was reading all of these articles about it today, but no one was printing what this lady Hilary Rosen (who is not a paid adviser to the President) actually said.

I did a google news search of her name and there were hundreds of articles. Not a single one printed her full statement. It was all about Ann Romney's response and Hilary's apology and they all quoted a single line from what she said, and it was this: "His wife has actually never worked a day in her life".

Well, finally I tracked down the full statement. Here it is:

“What you have is Mitt Romney running around the country, saying, 'Well, you know, my wife tells me that what women really care about are economic issues, and when I listen to my wife, that’s what I’m hearing.' Guess what? His wife has actually never worked a day in her life. She’s never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing, in terms of how do we feed our kids, how do we send them to school, and why do we worry about their future.”

What an outrageous thing to say! I'm still not clear on where she's wrong there, but I'm sure some Republicans will tell me.

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I'm in Vegas

Blogging shall resume on Thursday.

A lot of bad hairdos here. Don't people in the shitty parts of the country have TV and magazines? They have to know it's a bad look.

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This is Pretty Good

It's weird how you can just say things. He knows about cameras, right?

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This Week in the Black Man's Music

This is what's on my hot mix this week...

Kendrick Lamar and Still D.R.E "The Recipe"



Rihanna and Jay Z "Talk That Talk"



Chris Brown "Strip"



T-Pain featuring R. Kelly and Bei Major "Center of the Stage"



Drake featuring Lil' Wayne "The Motto"





Say hello to falsetto in 3...2...

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My "Colbert Report" Packet

I recently stumbled on a packet I once submitted for The Colbert Report. It's from the summer of 2005, which is before the show was even on the air. These are probably the toughest packets to write because nobody, including the showrunners, even knows what the show is yet.

The fact that this is from 7 years ago is staggering to me. Man, I am old! But there's a certain joy in reading stuff I had forgotten I had even written. It was a little like going into a time machine and realizing that things were just slightly different than you remembered (or maybe I just read 11/22/63 and everything is like going into a time machine for me).

I was sure I was going to absolutely cringe at this packet, especially since everyone now knows what the show is. But honestly, I don't think it was that awful. Mind you, it's not good. But it's weird that I wrote it because I don't remember any of it.

A couple of notes: I always hated writing packets because it's such an awkward form. I mean, do you put in lines of dialogue? How much? How many examples do you give? How long will the paragraph be before they'll stop reading? It's just hard to convey what you want in these bits without being able to write a script. I don't know, everything just seems bad when you write them down like this. And the hardest thing for me is writing for a show that is a completely mystery, which this was at the time.

Also, I had to look this up but Jeff Guckert was this conservative gay guy who posed as a reporter and asked George Bush's press secretary softball questions. You'll see what this refers to in a bit.

In this packet they asked for segment ideas and then they wanted 2 monologues. In one of the monologues you had to use video clips, in the other you had to use a prop. I can't remember specifically if we had to use a hot dog or if that was my creation. To be very clear, I like my segment ideas, but I'm not a fan of my monologues at all. Yikes.

I only post this for those interested in the TV writing business. If you don't care, please feel free to ignore it. But I do get asked occasionally about writing packets and such. Maybe this example will make people realize that I'm an idiot and they shouldn't ask me for advice ever again. Now on with the packet...


“The Colbert Report” Packet

SEGMENT IDEAS


“Pundits on Pundits”
Stephen gathers three professional political pundits together to discuss the chances of other pundits. This is like something from the syndicated Chris Matthews Show, where the guests discuss the potential of various politicians for president. But in this version, it’s all about the chances of people who talk about politics on TV for a living. For example: “I like Howard Fineman. This kid’s got spunk. He doesn’t spew enough hate for my taste, but he does write for Newsweek, so you know he’s a liar. If he keeps at it, he could be a Jewish Thomas Friedman…or just Thomas Friedman.


“Kidnap White Girls”
We’re living in a 24 hour, 7 days a week news cycle here, people. We need news. We need ratings. We need missing white girls. If there’s any hint that a white girl has gone missing, we send a correspondent on the scene to cover the potential drama. “Mr. Stevens’ wife was supposed to be home from work at 6:00, it is now 6:30. Where is she? Has she been abducted? Did Mr. Stevens kill her and dump in her in a body of water? We don’t know, but we will be covering this story until we find somebody’s charred remains. And did we mention Mrs. Stevens is hot? Cause she is. Really hot. Here’s a picture, man look at that body, what I would do with that. Uh, oh, a Volkswagon is pulling up to that house. Is that? I believe it is – unfortunately Mrs. Stevens has shown up alive and well. She must’ve just stopped at the store or something, maybe picked up a yogurt. Who knows?”


“Book Scramble”
Every week a new onslaught of partisan books fill your local Barnes and Noble. And they all have similar, extremely long titles. Titles like “Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorists” and “Let Freedom Ring: Winning the War of Liberty over Liberalism”, In this segment, a political author comes on our show to use our “Book Title Jumble Board” to name their new book. We have a magnetic board filled with words like “liberal”, “Nazi-lover”, and “bespectacled-Jew”. The author has 30 seconds to arrange the words as they wish to come up with their book title.


"Afghani Gossip Columnist"
The Untied States war on terror has been so successful, that things are starting to become normalized in Afghanistan and Iraq. The modernization of these third world countries has been so great, in fact, that we are beginning to see a bubbling social scene. And to cover the action, we turn to our special correspondent - Afghani gossip columnist, Ahmed Hipstreet for his "Mujahadeen Scoop". He speaks in a Ted Casablanca style. "Hey kiddies, they say Afghanistan is just desert and poppy seeds, but it's amazing how much dirt I can find in the sand! And don't be saying whatevs cause I know you want to get in the know, and I've got two tasty items that will make you forget about filthy pork for good! First off, and I do mean off, you didn't hear it from me but a certain warlord from a certain Kabul province just got married to his 17th bride. You're probably thinking, "now Ahmed, what's that to go all Jihad over?" Well, it seems that the new misses might not be as pure as one of those 47 virgins said Warlord will be seeing when he passes over to Allah's side. She may be his 17th bride, but she'll never be his first!

Onto item numero two, it's no secret that a certain sassy socialite has been shaking her burkha through the football fields of Jalalabad. That's right, it's Tara Reid! And my sources tell me that her very revealing eyeholes are no tease, she's been a Jala-BAD girl. Wags are already sending invites out all over town for what should be the gabfest spectacle of the year: that sassy socialite's stoning. Oooh! I'm getting excited just thinking about the river of filthy blood that is sure to run!" Unfortunately, Ahmed's gossip report is always cut short by a caning from remnants of the Taliban regime.


“Billwatch”
Whenever rumors start breaking on a bill becoming a law, Stephen sends a brave correspondent out to cover the action. Our correspondent stands outside the Capitol Building bundled up in a raincoat and holding an umbrella as though he's reporting on a hurricane. He puts a finger in his ear and talks loudly into the microphone: “Word is just coming in that Congress is about to pass the omnibus energy bill. You heard me, the omnibus is about to hit! There’s been months of partisan wrangling over the bill's tax incentives, but just in the last few hours this baby’s turned into a category five! It’s eerie around here, Steven. I mean, I haven’t seen thunderclouds like this since the monsoon season of Taft-Hartley.


“The Gloves Come Off”
In this segment, a Republican and a Democrat face off in a debate about the issues. But debates these days are so uncivilized - but not on our show. Debaters may be demanding and combative, but they will always be civilized. After each point is made, the debaters slap each other in the face with a white glove. This is a great way to get a resolution for an argument, because a good slapping tests the Debaters true commitment to their point of view. For example, a Republican and a Democrat debate the abortion issue. After each short argument, one slaps the other. But just as the Republican is about the slap the Democrat for the third time, the Democrat says “Wait, wait, wait, don’t slap me anymore. You know what? You’re right. Abortion is baby killing.” Boom! Issue solved.

“Hank Lutz: Professional Pollster”
Hank Lutz is our resident pollster. If the name sounds familiar, that is because he is the brother of Frank Lutz, who does polling on “Hardball”. Hank does a similar thing – he gathers “regular people” together to ask them questions about a big political event – like the state of the union, a presidential debate, etc. However, Hank’s angle on every issue has a sexual deviant bent. For example: “When the President was making a point about a strong national defense, don’t you think he was just over compensating for a small penis? The Vice President talked a lot about the need for a missile shield, now which one of you is going to blow me?” And after gathering all of the information from his sample, he concludes that everyone in the sample is a fag.


EDITORIAL/TOPICAL TALKING POINT ESSAYS:

“Social Security”
I’M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND HERE’S WHAT’S ON MY MIND TONIGHT. PRESIDENT BUSH’S SOCIAL SECURITY PLAN HAS SEEMED TO FIZZLE WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE – AT LEAST THOSE PRETENDING TO LISTEN. BUT THE SIMPLE FACT REMAINS THAT THIS SYSTEM IS GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY PROBABLY SOMETIME SOON, OR MAYBE NEVER. SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN? AND AN EVEN BETTER QUESTION IS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN? LET ME ILLUSTRATE HOW DIRE THE SITUATION IS FOR YOU:

(STEPHEN PULLS OUT A NORMAL SIZED HOT DOG AND A VERY SMALL BOTTLE OF KETCHUP)

THIS HOT DOG REPRESENTS THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE CURRENTLY COLLECTING SOCIAL SECURITY. AND THIS BOTTLE OF KETCHUP REPRESENTS THE AMOUNT OF WORKERS POURING MONEY INTO THE HOT DOG/FUND.

(STEPHEN POURS THE KETCHUP ONTO THE HOT DOG, THERE’S JUST ENOUGH TO PERFECTLY TOP THE DOG)

LOOK AT THAT, A PERFECT WIENER! OLD PEOPLE GET THEIR MONEY, AND I’M PROVIDED A DELICIOUS TREAT!

BUT HERE’S WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THIS WERE THE YEAR 2060.

(STEPHEN PULLS OUT A GIANT POLISH SAUSAGE AND ANOTHER SMALL BOTTLE OF KETCHUP)

THIS SAUSAGE REPRESENTS THE AMOUNT OF OLD PEOPLE 55 YEARS FROM NOW – AND IT ALSO REPRESENTS SADNESS TO SOMEONE WHO WOMEN REFER TO AS ALMOST “AVERAGE”. AND THE KETCHUP REPRESENTS THE MONEY GETTING POURED INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY FUND IN THE YEAR 2060.

(STEPHEN POURS THE KETCHUP ONTO THE SAUSAGE, AND IT ONLY COVERS HALF)

LOOK AT THAT! THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO GO AROUND, AND MY LUNCH IS RUINED!

THIS DEMONSTRATION PROVES 2 THINGS: NO SAUSAGE SHOULD BE THAT LARGE, AND THERE WILL BE TOO MANY OLD PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE. FORGET GREENHOUSE GASES, THE FUTURE IS GOING TO SMELL LIKE OLD PERSON. AND IF YOU EVER FALL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS, GOOD LUCK TRYING TO FIND YOURSELF AN ARTIFICIAL HIP CAUSE THEY’LL ALL BE TAKEN.

BUT AS MY FATHER USED TO SAY, AS HE LAY STREWN OUT ON THE COUCH WITH A LAMP SHADE SECURED AROUND HIS CRANIUM AND MY BEATEN MOTHER CUDDLED UP NEXT TO HIM, “IN THE PROBLEM THEREIN LIE THE SOLUTION”.

IN SHORT, IT’S THE OLD PEOPLE, STUPID. WE NEED TO GET RID OF THEM. JUST LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ELIMINATE EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF SIXTY.

(STEPHEN TAKES OUT A LARGE KNIFE AND CUTS THE SAUSAGE IN HALF, LEAVING THE KETCHUP COVERED HALF ON THE PLATE)

PERFECT!

(STEPHEN PICKS UP THE SAUSAGE, STARTS EATING, AND TALKS WITH HIS MOUTH FULL)

NOW HOLD ON, I’M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD KILL THE ELDERLY, I’M JUST SAYING WE SHOULD STOP FEEDING THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.


“Karl Rove Good/Media Bad”
I’M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND HERE’S WHAT’S ON MY MIND TONIGHT. THERE’S A REASON THE MEDIA GETS BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING – WE’RE EVIL, PURE EVIL. BUT I DON’T MIND WHEN WE USE OUR POWER TO DESTROY PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT – LIKE RAPE VICTIMS. BUT WHEN THE MEDIA STARTS TARGETING BENELOVENT PUPPET MASTERS LIKE KARL ROVE, THAT’S WHEN I HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN.

JUST BECAUSE THIS GREAT AMERICAN OUTED A CIA AGENT LIKE A BATHROOM GLORY HOLE OUTED GEORGE MICHAEL - THAT’S NO REASON TO GO ASKING A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS. YOU’RE JOURNALISTS, YOU’RE THERE TO LISTEN! INSTEAD, WE GET THIS ABOMINATION:

(DAVID GREGORY ASKING TOUGH QUESTIONS CLIP)

OH, DAVID GREGORY, YOU’RE NOT CUTE WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY. BUT HE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE, THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A SERIOUS OF OVER THE TOP, OVER THE LINE “QUESTIONING” BY THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPS:

(VARIOUS REPORTERS ASKING EASY QUESTIONS – ENDING WITH A REPORTER ASKING ABOUT A POSSIBLE IRAQ EXIT STRATEGY)

EXIT STRATEGY? THAT’S A LITTLE PERSONAL, DON’T YOU THINK? YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP THE LEFT WING BOMB THROWING AND JUST LET SCOTT MCLELLAN DO WHAT HE DOES BEST - HIT THE TALKING POINTS WHILE NOT ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS, WE’VE LIVED HAPPILY LIKE THIS FOR 5 YEARS, WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET ALL HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT STUFF NOW?

IT’S TIME TO START FOLLOWING THE EXAMPLE OF THE GREAT FAKE JOURNALISTS OF OUR DAY, LIKE JEFF GUCKERT AND LARRY KING. THOSE GUYS ARE ONTO SOMETHING.

JEFF, PLEASE SHOW THEM WHY YOU’RE AMERICA’S SWEETHEART:

(JEFF GUCKERT TOSSES A SOFTBALL QUESTION)

COME ON, REPORTERS! BE MORE LIKE HIM! NOT ONLY DOES HE ASK THE GOOD QUESTIONS, AFTER HE GETS HIS ANSWER HE’LL GIVE YOU A REACH AROUND. SUCK ON THAT, WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN!

I’M NOT SAYING KARL ROVE IS PERFECTLY INNOCENT IN ALL THIS, WHAT CRIMINAL MASTERMIND IS? I’M JUST SAYING THAT WE, THE LIBERAL MEDIA, HAVE TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR TRYING TO TAKE DOWN THE POWERFUL. WE RELISH IT A LITTLE TOO MUCH. IT’S IMMATURE AND IT’S PETTY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S BASED ON FACTS.


In case you're confused, no, I did not get the job. But I'm thinking of adapting the Herb Lutz character into a half hour show. Herb Lutz must live on!

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The Hunger Games vs 11/22/63

Yes, I'm still thinking about The Hunger Games. Some of you commented that the movie plot is identical to the book, so I shouldn't blame the movie makers for the things I was complaining about.

Interesting.

Well it just so happens I recently got done reading a book called 11/22/63 by Stephen King. I'm not a Stephen King fan. The only other book I've read of his is the one he wrote about his writing process. And I fucking loved 11/22/63.

It's about a guy who travels back in time to try and prevent President Kennedy from getting assassinated.

I'm a JFK buff (what does it take to be a buff?), and a time travel buff, so it was right up my alley. But the weird thing is my favorite parts of the book weren't about any of that. What I most enjoyed were the things not involving JFK or Lee Harvey Oswald - the main character gets a teaching gig, he falls in love with a librarian - those were the things that were the most fun.

In fact, being the buff that I am, I didn't agree with some of the decisions that were made in the book. I didn't like his plan for stopping the assassination. I didn't like the ending. Some of the action just plain didn't make sense.

And yet...I loved the book.

So this got me thinking about The Hunger Games, the book vs the movie, and how reading is an entirely different experience than watching a screen.

I forgive the faults in 11/22/63 because I enjoy the words. I enjoyed reading the words. If it was on the screen, and I was watching it, I'd probably get caught up in the stuff I didn't like. The bad choices. But in a book, the bad choices are covered up by the joy of reading.

Everyone who I've ever talked to about the Hunger Games says something along the lines of "I read it in a weekend!" or "I couldn't put it down and had to read all three!". It's the words! The bad stuff in it is overlooked because it's addicting and fun to read. But in a movie, the words are gone. The plot is exposed. The bad choices are revealed. And that's why The Hunger Games movie sucked even though the books are great.

That's my new theory, anyway.

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