My "Colbert Report" Packet

I recently stumbled on a packet I once submitted for The Colbert Report. It's from the summer of 2005, which is before the show was even on the air. These are probably the toughest packets to write because nobody, including the showrunners, even knows what the show is yet.

The fact that this is from 7 years ago is staggering to me. Man, I am old! But there's a certain joy in reading stuff I had forgotten I had even written. It was a little like going into a time machine and realizing that things were just slightly different than you remembered (or maybe I just read 11/22/63 and everything is like going into a time machine for me).

I was sure I was going to absolutely cringe at this packet, especially since everyone now knows what the show is. But honestly, I don't think it was that awful. Mind you, it's not good. But it's weird that I wrote it because I don't remember any of it.

A couple of notes: I always hated writing packets because it's such an awkward form. I mean, do you put in lines of dialogue? How much? How many examples do you give? How long will the paragraph be before they'll stop reading? It's just hard to convey what you want in these bits without being able to write a script. I don't know, everything just seems bad when you write them down like this. And the hardest thing for me is writing for a show that is a completely mystery, which this was at the time.

Also, I had to look this up but Jeff Guckert was this conservative gay guy who posed as a reporter and asked George Bush's press secretary softball questions. You'll see what this refers to in a bit.

In this packet they asked for segment ideas and then they wanted 2 monologues. In one of the monologues you had to use video clips, in the other you had to use a prop. I can't remember specifically if we had to use a hot dog or if that was my creation. To be very clear, I like my segment ideas, but I'm not a fan of my monologues at all. Yikes.

I only post this for those interested in the TV writing business. If you don't care, please feel free to ignore it. But I do get asked occasionally about writing packets and such. Maybe this example will make people realize that I'm an idiot and they shouldn't ask me for advice ever again. Now on with the packet...


“The Colbert Report” Packet

SEGMENT IDEAS


“Pundits on Pundits”
Stephen gathers three professional political pundits together to discuss the chances of other pundits. This is like something from the syndicated Chris Matthews Show, where the guests discuss the potential of various politicians for president. But in this version, it’s all about the chances of people who talk about politics on TV for a living. For example: “I like Howard Fineman. This kid’s got spunk. He doesn’t spew enough hate for my taste, but he does write for Newsweek, so you know he’s a liar. If he keeps at it, he could be a Jewish Thomas Friedman…or just Thomas Friedman.


“Kidnap White Girls”
We’re living in a 24 hour, 7 days a week news cycle here, people. We need news. We need ratings. We need missing white girls. If there’s any hint that a white girl has gone missing, we send a correspondent on the scene to cover the potential drama. “Mr. Stevens’ wife was supposed to be home from work at 6:00, it is now 6:30. Where is she? Has she been abducted? Did Mr. Stevens kill her and dump in her in a body of water? We don’t know, but we will be covering this story until we find somebody’s charred remains. And did we mention Mrs. Stevens is hot? Cause she is. Really hot. Here’s a picture, man look at that body, what I would do with that. Uh, oh, a Volkswagon is pulling up to that house. Is that? I believe it is – unfortunately Mrs. Stevens has shown up alive and well. She must’ve just stopped at the store or something, maybe picked up a yogurt. Who knows?”


“Book Scramble”
Every week a new onslaught of partisan books fill your local Barnes and Noble. And they all have similar, extremely long titles. Titles like “Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorists” and “Let Freedom Ring: Winning the War of Liberty over Liberalism”, In this segment, a political author comes on our show to use our “Book Title Jumble Board” to name their new book. We have a magnetic board filled with words like “liberal”, “Nazi-lover”, and “bespectacled-Jew”. The author has 30 seconds to arrange the words as they wish to come up with their book title.


"Afghani Gossip Columnist"
The Untied States war on terror has been so successful, that things are starting to become normalized in Afghanistan and Iraq. The modernization of these third world countries has been so great, in fact, that we are beginning to see a bubbling social scene. And to cover the action, we turn to our special correspondent - Afghani gossip columnist, Ahmed Hipstreet for his "Mujahadeen Scoop". He speaks in a Ted Casablanca style. "Hey kiddies, they say Afghanistan is just desert and poppy seeds, but it's amazing how much dirt I can find in the sand! And don't be saying whatevs cause I know you want to get in the know, and I've got two tasty items that will make you forget about filthy pork for good! First off, and I do mean off, you didn't hear it from me but a certain warlord from a certain Kabul province just got married to his 17th bride. You're probably thinking, "now Ahmed, what's that to go all Jihad over?" Well, it seems that the new misses might not be as pure as one of those 47 virgins said Warlord will be seeing when he passes over to Allah's side. She may be his 17th bride, but she'll never be his first!

Onto item numero two, it's no secret that a certain sassy socialite has been shaking her burkha through the football fields of Jalalabad. That's right, it's Tara Reid! And my sources tell me that her very revealing eyeholes are no tease, she's been a Jala-BAD girl. Wags are already sending invites out all over town for what should be the gabfest spectacle of the year: that sassy socialite's stoning. Oooh! I'm getting excited just thinking about the river of filthy blood that is sure to run!" Unfortunately, Ahmed's gossip report is always cut short by a caning from remnants of the Taliban regime.


“Billwatch”
Whenever rumors start breaking on a bill becoming a law, Stephen sends a brave correspondent out to cover the action. Our correspondent stands outside the Capitol Building bundled up in a raincoat and holding an umbrella as though he's reporting on a hurricane. He puts a finger in his ear and talks loudly into the microphone: “Word is just coming in that Congress is about to pass the omnibus energy bill. You heard me, the omnibus is about to hit! There’s been months of partisan wrangling over the bill's tax incentives, but just in the last few hours this baby’s turned into a category five! It’s eerie around here, Steven. I mean, I haven’t seen thunderclouds like this since the monsoon season of Taft-Hartley.


“The Gloves Come Off”
In this segment, a Republican and a Democrat face off in a debate about the issues. But debates these days are so uncivilized - but not on our show. Debaters may be demanding and combative, but they will always be civilized. After each point is made, the debaters slap each other in the face with a white glove. This is a great way to get a resolution for an argument, because a good slapping tests the Debaters true commitment to their point of view. For example, a Republican and a Democrat debate the abortion issue. After each short argument, one slaps the other. But just as the Republican is about the slap the Democrat for the third time, the Democrat says “Wait, wait, wait, don’t slap me anymore. You know what? You’re right. Abortion is baby killing.” Boom! Issue solved.

“Hank Lutz: Professional Pollster”
Hank Lutz is our resident pollster. If the name sounds familiar, that is because he is the brother of Frank Lutz, who does polling on “Hardball”. Hank does a similar thing – he gathers “regular people” together to ask them questions about a big political event – like the state of the union, a presidential debate, etc. However, Hank’s angle on every issue has a sexual deviant bent. For example: “When the President was making a point about a strong national defense, don’t you think he was just over compensating for a small penis? The Vice President talked a lot about the need for a missile shield, now which one of you is going to blow me?” And after gathering all of the information from his sample, he concludes that everyone in the sample is a fag.


EDITORIAL/TOPICAL TALKING POINT ESSAYS:

“Social Security”
I’M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND HERE’S WHAT’S ON MY MIND TONIGHT. PRESIDENT BUSH’S SOCIAL SECURITY PLAN HAS SEEMED TO FIZZLE WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE – AT LEAST THOSE PRETENDING TO LISTEN. BUT THE SIMPLE FACT REMAINS THAT THIS SYSTEM IS GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY PROBABLY SOMETIME SOON, OR MAYBE NEVER. SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN? AND AN EVEN BETTER QUESTION IS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN? LET ME ILLUSTRATE HOW DIRE THE SITUATION IS FOR YOU:

(STEPHEN PULLS OUT A NORMAL SIZED HOT DOG AND A VERY SMALL BOTTLE OF KETCHUP)

THIS HOT DOG REPRESENTS THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE CURRENTLY COLLECTING SOCIAL SECURITY. AND THIS BOTTLE OF KETCHUP REPRESENTS THE AMOUNT OF WORKERS POURING MONEY INTO THE HOT DOG/FUND.

(STEPHEN POURS THE KETCHUP ONTO THE HOT DOG, THERE’S JUST ENOUGH TO PERFECTLY TOP THE DOG)

LOOK AT THAT, A PERFECT WIENER! OLD PEOPLE GET THEIR MONEY, AND I’M PROVIDED A DELICIOUS TREAT!

BUT HERE’S WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF THIS WERE THE YEAR 2060.

(STEPHEN PULLS OUT A GIANT POLISH SAUSAGE AND ANOTHER SMALL BOTTLE OF KETCHUP)

THIS SAUSAGE REPRESENTS THE AMOUNT OF OLD PEOPLE 55 YEARS FROM NOW – AND IT ALSO REPRESENTS SADNESS TO SOMEONE WHO WOMEN REFER TO AS ALMOST “AVERAGE”. AND THE KETCHUP REPRESENTS THE MONEY GETTING POURED INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY FUND IN THE YEAR 2060.

(STEPHEN POURS THE KETCHUP ONTO THE SAUSAGE, AND IT ONLY COVERS HALF)

LOOK AT THAT! THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO GO AROUND, AND MY LUNCH IS RUINED!

THIS DEMONSTRATION PROVES 2 THINGS: NO SAUSAGE SHOULD BE THAT LARGE, AND THERE WILL BE TOO MANY OLD PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE. FORGET GREENHOUSE GASES, THE FUTURE IS GOING TO SMELL LIKE OLD PERSON. AND IF YOU EVER FALL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS, GOOD LUCK TRYING TO FIND YOURSELF AN ARTIFICIAL HIP CAUSE THEY’LL ALL BE TAKEN.

BUT AS MY FATHER USED TO SAY, AS HE LAY STREWN OUT ON THE COUCH WITH A LAMP SHADE SECURED AROUND HIS CRANIUM AND MY BEATEN MOTHER CUDDLED UP NEXT TO HIM, “IN THE PROBLEM THEREIN LIE THE SOLUTION”.

IN SHORT, IT’S THE OLD PEOPLE, STUPID. WE NEED TO GET RID OF THEM. JUST LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ELIMINATE EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF SIXTY.

(STEPHEN TAKES OUT A LARGE KNIFE AND CUTS THE SAUSAGE IN HALF, LEAVING THE KETCHUP COVERED HALF ON THE PLATE)

PERFECT!

(STEPHEN PICKS UP THE SAUSAGE, STARTS EATING, AND TALKS WITH HIS MOUTH FULL)

NOW HOLD ON, I’M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD KILL THE ELDERLY, I’M JUST SAYING WE SHOULD STOP FEEDING THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.


“Karl Rove Good/Media Bad”
I’M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND HERE’S WHAT’S ON MY MIND TONIGHT. THERE’S A REASON THE MEDIA GETS BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING – WE’RE EVIL, PURE EVIL. BUT I DON’T MIND WHEN WE USE OUR POWER TO DESTROY PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT – LIKE RAPE VICTIMS. BUT WHEN THE MEDIA STARTS TARGETING BENELOVENT PUPPET MASTERS LIKE KARL ROVE, THAT’S WHEN I HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN.

JUST BECAUSE THIS GREAT AMERICAN OUTED A CIA AGENT LIKE A BATHROOM GLORY HOLE OUTED GEORGE MICHAEL - THAT’S NO REASON TO GO ASKING A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS. YOU’RE JOURNALISTS, YOU’RE THERE TO LISTEN! INSTEAD, WE GET THIS ABOMINATION:

(DAVID GREGORY ASKING TOUGH QUESTIONS CLIP)

OH, DAVID GREGORY, YOU’RE NOT CUTE WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY. BUT HE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE, THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A SERIOUS OF OVER THE TOP, OVER THE LINE “QUESTIONING” BY THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPS:

(VARIOUS REPORTERS ASKING EASY QUESTIONS – ENDING WITH A REPORTER ASKING ABOUT A POSSIBLE IRAQ EXIT STRATEGY)

EXIT STRATEGY? THAT’S A LITTLE PERSONAL, DON’T YOU THINK? YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP THE LEFT WING BOMB THROWING AND JUST LET SCOTT MCLELLAN DO WHAT HE DOES BEST - HIT THE TALKING POINTS WHILE NOT ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS, WE’VE LIVED HAPPILY LIKE THIS FOR 5 YEARS, WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET ALL HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT STUFF NOW?

IT’S TIME TO START FOLLOWING THE EXAMPLE OF THE GREAT FAKE JOURNALISTS OF OUR DAY, LIKE JEFF GUCKERT AND LARRY KING. THOSE GUYS ARE ONTO SOMETHING.

JEFF, PLEASE SHOW THEM WHY YOU’RE AMERICA’S SWEETHEART:

(JEFF GUCKERT TOSSES A SOFTBALL QUESTION)

COME ON, REPORTERS! BE MORE LIKE HIM! NOT ONLY DOES HE ASK THE GOOD QUESTIONS, AFTER HE GETS HIS ANSWER HE’LL GIVE YOU A REACH AROUND. SUCK ON THAT, WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN!

I’M NOT SAYING KARL ROVE IS PERFECTLY INNOCENT IN ALL THIS, WHAT CRIMINAL MASTERMIND IS? I’M JUST SAYING THAT WE, THE LIBERAL MEDIA, HAVE TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR TRYING TO TAKE DOWN THE POWERFUL. WE RELISH IT A LITTLE TOO MUCH. IT’S IMMATURE AND IT’S PETTY, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S BASED ON FACTS.


In case you're confused, no, I did not get the job. But I'm thinking of adapting the Herb Lutz character into a half hour show. Herb Lutz must live on!