Diablo Cody is Better Than You, Just Ask Her

Psyche!

I'm sneaking in one more post before the new year. The reason? Well, it's a Christmas tradition for my family and I to watch the screeners I got for being in the Writers Guild, and one of them was the movie Young Adult. It inspired me to be with you here today. Actually, just one scene from the movie inspired me. But I'll get back to that in a second...

Diablo Cody is somewhat of a controversial figure. People love her. People hate her. This is mostly because of the movie Juno. Some people thought it was amazing, others wanted to murder it.

I liked Juno. Some of the dialogue was annoying, but overall I enjoyed it. I skipped Jennifer's Body, because I hate horror movies even more than I love Megan Fox's boobies. And I hate The United States of Tara. I mean, I really fucking hate it. I feel like that show will be on in a rerun in 10 years and people will be like, "man, things have really changed in TV, I can't believe that was once acceptable". It wasn't! It was never acceptable!

Back to Young Adult, her third feature. I don't think you can call it a good movie. At best, it's okay, definitely not awful. Charlize Theron is great, and should win awards. But the movie, well, it shouldn't. But I admired it.

There is a crazy consensus in the film world that protagonists must be "likeable". Every meeting you ever go in you will hear, "make him/her likeable". It's stupid. Unlikeable people are fun to watch too, you know.

Plus, put a famous actor in any role and he/she will be a little likeable just because we know who they really are (on the flip side, put Katherine Heigl in any role and she will be immediately unlikeable). Was Tony Soprano likeable? Not entirely. Was it an awesome show? Yes. Why? Because assholes are interesting.

It probably took someone of Diablo Cody's stature to get this movie made. You and I couldn't sell this movie. So it's cool that she took the risk and made something about a bitch. And she did it in a non traditional movie way where there isn't a happy ending and things don't get neatly tied up. So good for her.

Let's be clear: this movie did not fail because it has unlikeable protagonist, it failed because it isn't funny enough. But that's a different matter entirely. Of course, studios aren't going to understand this and we're not going to get another unlikeable protagonist for the next 30 years.

I also think Diablo Cody is a darn good writer. Say what you want about her way too cute dialogue, for the most part, her story shit is on point. She knows what she is doing with structure, etc. Let me give you an example:

SPOILER ALERT

There's a moment in the film that felt false. It's when Theron's old high school boyfriend that she's trying to win over invites her to his newborn's naming ceremony. Because of some scenes before it, it felt like he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't invite her. And you're thinking, "oh well, that's a miss. I don't believe he would do that".

And then it turns out that he didn't invite her out of the goodness of his heart, and in fact, he didn't want to invite her at all. So then you go "oh shit, this movie is better than me. I thought I was smarter than it, and then it said fuck you, I know what I'm doing".

That's a little thing, but it's professional. It's smart. And it uses the audiences movie watching experience against itself.

That being said, there is a very big miss at the end of this movie.

The film feels autobiographical. I think that's fair to say, right? It's about a female writer, in her mid '30's, who writes stories about young adults. It's annoying to think that Diablo Cody believes that Charlize Theron is an accurate representation of her. Ha! But even more annoying, was this scene:

Charlize has left her life in the big city to come back to her home town to break up her old boyfriend's marriage. She's drank herself almost to death. She's left lives ruined in her wake. She's a fucking nightmare mess of a woman.

And then at the end she runs into a girl she went to high school with. A girl who used to worship her. Charlize tries to tell the girl that she's not what she thinks, and she's actually a terrible person.

The girls says (I'm paraphrasing here): No, you're not. You're a hero to us. You left town, you went to the big city. We're the idiots. We're living shitty lives in this shitty town, but you went out and were brave and tried to do great things. You're right about us, we suck. Everyone who lives in a small town in middle America is a dope. They're not "living"! They're pathetic and dumb. But not you, you're amazing, so keep doing what you're doing, cause you're better than us. Please take me with you!

That seems to be the message of the movie. Diablo Cody is a hero. It doesn't matter how big of an asshole she is (or rather, this character is), she's awesome for leaving that crap life behind and going for the greatness of the "big city".

Really?

It's great to have an asshole character and take chances, but then at the very end to completely excuse that behavior and make it seem like the nice people are the dumb jerks? You can do every bad thing you want as long as you leave where you grew up to chase your dreams of writing shitty books? Very odd.

If anyone else saw this movie, let me know if I'm completely off base in this interpretation. The rest of you, carry on with your new year's plans, you dumb small town loving idiots.

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See You on January 2nd, 2012

I'm gonna take a week off for the holidays and I'll be back on January 2nd. Why January 2nd? Because that's when the motherfucking Bachelor is back. I really hate myself, but the opportunity to make fun of Ben and his boring ass moles is too good to pass up.

It's been a great year on this blog because of you guys. Thank you all for reading and commenting and keeping me going, I really appreciate it. Even that crazy bitch from the Occupy movement who thinks we're all racists and part of the 1% was enjoyable for the first 15 comments. So thanks again.

See you in 2012 for the most dramatic end to civilization yet!

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You Need to Accept Tom Cruise For Who He Is

It was easy to see that Lebron James was going to be the next great player in the NBA. He's 6'8", 260 pounds, perfectly proportioned, with a 40 inch vertical and insane court vision. He is a freak. And it's the easiest thing in the world to see that he is a freak.

Tom Cruise is also a freak. But the problem is, Tom doesn't look like Lebron. He looks like a normal person. A normal, albeit, beautiful person. But he's not a normal person. He's an extreme, crazy person. So his freakishness, the fact that he's so different from you and I, is shocking. It's disturbing. But I thought he was like me! He's not like you! Or any of us! And that's not a bad thing.

I watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol over the weekend. I really enjoyed it. And I realized something: I always enjoy Tom Cruise in movies. I don't necessarily love all of his movies, but I always love Tom in them. He's fucking awesome.

For much of his career, a large percentage of the population also thought Tom Cruise was awesome. And then a little thing happened:

We found out about his personal life. His Scientology. His couch jumping. His laughing. The way he chooses his wife. His hatred of psychiatry. That time he yelled at Matt Lauer. His laughing. The fact that he isn't aging.


If it wasn't for all of that stuff, America would still be in love with Tom Cruise. And we should still be in love with him.

Tom isn't the kind of actor that you're supposed to identify with. He's not an every man. He's not Tom Hanks. He's not Paul "One Note" Giamatti.

He's the kinda guy who runs around on the tallest building in Abu Dabi. You don't do that, Tom does. So why should he have a normal life?

Just like we aren't 6'8" black men with a super human like abilities, we aren't Tom Cruise, so why should he be like us? I don't want Tom to be sitting around playing XBox and watching Friends, that's what I do!

He should be believing in aliens and arraigned marriage and silent births, he's Tom fucking Cruise! He's bigger than life. Not just in movies, in actual real life. That's pretty cool, in my book.

He's a movie star in the classic tradition. There was a time, it was right before Dustin Hoffman's ugly ass showed up, where movie stars were like this. They were better looking and more awesome than us. People went to movies for the very reason that these stars were different. And they knew that those guys were living completely different lives than them. That was almost the whole point.

And then a bunch of unattractive actors started getting cast as leads and then the whole thing became about the audience identifying with everyone on screen. They were representing us. And that's okay, I guess, but there's something to be said for the other way, Tom's way. For freaks. People who we can never hope to be like, or in some cases, even want to be like. Circus attractions. You're not Ethan Hunt, but maybe Tom could be, and that's why he's the perfect guy to play the role.

I can feel that you're not fully coming with me on this, so let me ask you something else: has Tom Cruise ever not brought it in a role? Has he ever been the worst part of a movie? Hell no. You've never read a review of a Tom Cruise movie that said "Tom seemed a little checked out". He's always checked in.

Tom attacks every role the same he'd attack Sigmund Freud with a baseball bat. He doesn't have any off days. You can't say the same for Brad Pitt or a lot of other pretty boys. This is what he does. Like Lebron, he was born a star. But unlike Lebron, he cares. He wants to be the best. At everything. And he is.

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Great, But Can You Scrub Ashley From Our Brains?

It sounds like we are finally getting the Bachelorette Everyone Wanted:

Emily Maynard is ready to find love again, and ABC believes she's the perfect choice to star on The Bachelorette: "Emily is America's sweetheart," adds the source. "Fans are going to be thrilled! Everyone loved her."

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The Homeland Finale

There was an interesting and slightly annoying article in the New York Times Magazine about the state of 1 hour dramas. The writer makes the argument that beginning with Lost, many serialized dramas are filled with twists and turns that ultimately lead to nothing and are pointless to watch.

I would agree with this article if it was just talking about The Killing. It's actually spot on if it were only about that show and had been written a few months ago. But instead, it's not just about The Killing, and includes other shows like Homeland. Comparing The Killing to Homeland is like comparing apples to home grown terrorists. They are not the same.

The Killing built it's entire series around "who killed Rosie Larsen"? It wasn't just that, but it was also "this is a show that takes one case and it examines it for a full season!" Well, when you do that, you gotta pay it off at the end of the season.

Homeland is different. There was no ad campaign "is Brody a terrorist?" or "will Brody do it?" And the fact is, we got that moment in Homeland. Brody strapped that vest on. There's no mystery left, a la The Killing. We know. We have answers.

Here's what she says the problem is:

Thus are we expected to while away a solid eight hours waiting to find out whether or not Brody is working for the terrorists. And once we discover the truth, what’s next? A whole different, far less compelling show begins, one about an ambivalent Marine turned terrorist who appears poised to sell out his family and his country for one little saucer-eyed boy. The provocative but empty premise of “Homeland” leads us into another jungle maze until we’re too exhausted to suspend our disbelief any longer.

I don't think she hates dramas, I think she hates STORIES. Yeah, that's right, lady, that's how stories work. All the shit is made up. Things change. The story changes. Things evolve.

If you don't like it, go watch House. That premise isn't "empty". It's full, you get the exact same story and premise every single episode and you never have to worry about Dr. House not figuring out what the disease is.

I worked on a show once where the big criticism of the pilot by the reviewers was "it's a really good show, but there's no way they're gonna be able to keep it up".

What?! You don't need to worry about the question of how we keep it up, that's my job. If you liked the pilot, that's what we were going for! And since we did something you liked, maybe you should give us the benefit of the doubt that we will be able to do it again.

I don't know what Homeland becomes after this season, but that's not my job. I'm just a viewer, and when I watch the show, I enjoy it. Yeah, that premise can't last for 10 seasons, and I'm fine with that. It shouldn't. But I'm invested in the characters, and I want to see where things go because I like where they've been.

All of that being said, I didn't love the finale of Homeland. I completely disagree with her criticism, but that doesn't mean the show is perfect. And I had issues for other reasons.

The first hour was amazing and great and what I wanted to see. The last half hour was a bit disappointing. In particular, the fate of Carrie. It felt tacked on and weird. That was never discussed before, was it? It was a fine ending, it just could've been set up better and not felt so out of left field.

Also, Brody's ending was a tad too neat. I wish his and Tom Walker's situation was a little more messy heading into next season. I want there to be shit lurking around Brody that can mess his world up.

Regardless, it was a great first season. I enjoyed the heck out of it, and I'm excited to see where things go in season 2. I think the writers have earned the respect to believe they can do 13 more excellent episodes. But that's just me and my wacky notion that stories are cool.



P.S. Fuck procedurals.

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How Did This Happen?

Many years ago, there was word of a "Three Stooges" movie. It was going to star Jim Carrey, Sean Penn, and Benicio Del Toro. In my head, it was going to be a biopic. I didn't think it could be anything else.

And it was to be directed by the Farrelly brothers.

As time passed, the big time actors dropped out and were replaced, and then their replacements were replaced. Now here we are, and instead of Jim Carrey, they got Wil Sasso. Instead of Sean Penn, Sean Hayes. And instead of Benicio Del Toro, Chris Diamontopoulos.

Digest that for a moment.

The Three Stooges movie somehow went from three A listers to the "star" of Mad TV, the second banana from "Will and Grace", and a guy I've never heard of in my life.

This doesn't make sense.

Something else had to be going on. You don't lose Sean Penn in a movie and replace him with Sean Hayes. Those two do not go out for the same roles. Sean Hayes wasn't the understudy on "Mystic River".

There had to be more to this story than we were getting. And then the trailer came out a few weeks ago. I demand that you watch it:



There was more to the story, indeed. And that more was the fucking script. Look at this thing. You think Sean Penn was going to be in that? Benicio Del Toro? Jim Carrey, maybe, but not those other two guys. It's a disaster. Snookie's in it, for Christ Sake!

How did this go so wrong? I don't have any answers. But as soon as Wil Sasso was tapped to be the lead in something, the people in suits should've shut shit down.

The trailer also goes to show that movies cannot be topical. Maybe the Jersey Shore thing would've worked a year or two ago, but now? You might as well have Alf and Spuds Mckenzie in that thing.

I don't know if it was ever supposed to be a biopic, maybe I projected that, but that would've been a way better idea. The simple fact is that The Three Stooges don't work the same way they used to. And you know who else doesn't work like they used to?

The Farrelly Brothers.

They had 3 movies in them, that's it. On the bright side, that's two more than the Wachowski brothers had. People think nothing happened on Y2K, but one thing did happen: these dudes stopped being funny.

Maybe it was The Farrelly brothers decline in stature that is responsible for this? Were big name people eager to work with them years ago, and now the best they can do is Just Jack? Maybe.

In a way, it's a good match - two outdated comedy brands trying to make a movie in 2011. I'm not sure why anyone would pay to watch some D level guys fake poke each other in the eye when you can watch regular people hurt each other for free on the internet. But hey, maybe there's tons of Sasso fans out there that I don't know about.

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A Brilliant Idea I Will Do Nothing About

Jeez, I go out of town for two seconds and all hell breaks loose. I thought I could count on you guys, what happened? I told you, while I'm gone no house parties and no race baiting! Come on, you're better than that. Though I must say, that John Rambo guy made some good points.

I don't like to brag about this, but I'm now rocking 2 Kindles. To think, there are idiots out there with only one. Ha!

I bit the bullet and bought the Kindle Fire. It's not that good. However, I needed it in order to watch movies on the tortuous 5 hour flight. And yet, I still needed my old, first generation Kindle for reading in the bright Hawaiian sunshine. Thus, I'm the guy with 2 Kindles in the airport security bin. Do they each need their own bin? I still don't know and was embarrassed to ask. I'm pretty sure I'm the reason the terrorists hate us.

It was well worth it though because I read the shit out of a book all weekend. I'm not even sure where I heard about this book, and I'm shocked it hasn't been more heavily hyped. It's an "oral history", where the whole thing is just a million different interviews with people and the story is told through their recollections. The Saturday Night Live book was done this way, and this book is the story of MTV.

It's called "I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution".

Obviously, it's about the creation and rise of MTV, and I loved it. Yet, it seems like no one is talking about it. It's as if the book about ESPN, which is done in the same interview style, completely overshadowed it. And the ESPN book is not nearly as good as this.

They talked to everybody. I mean, everybody. Anything you remember seeing on MTV that was noteworthy at all, is discussed. And I happen to be of the age where MTV rose up as I was growing up, so it was of particular interest to me. However, so did ESPN, and that one didn't do it for me. I guess sports highlights aren't as fun to read about as Tommy Lee's giant dick.

There's a tiny section about Prince that you could make a whole book about. He was in a meeting with a video director and some music execs getting pitched a video idea for Sheila E. He doesn't say a word the entire meeting. At the very end, he whispers "she should have drumsticks on her pants". Then he gets up and walks out. Everyone is left to scramble to figure out what the fuck he meant. Boy, I can relate to that.

It's very hard to describe the behavior of stars, but this book nails exactly how crazy and illogical and irrational they can be, and how different their world is.

Anyway, I recommend it for this holiday giving season.

But let's get to my brilliant idea that I will do nothing about.

So I'm reading this book, and they keep talking about music videos and little details that occur them. And it's killing me, because I HAVE to go watch that video and see what they're talking about. But I'm not near a computer and it's a pain in the ass and then I keep reading and they start talking about another video and the same thing happens all over again.

But this is a Kindle! It has video playing capability! As does the Ipad. Yeah, I could look up stuff every time, but it occurred to me: books don't need to be just books anymore. They're being read on God Damn computers. They should have links on them. There should be video. You should be able to tap a word and go watch whatever they are talking about. You know, like how the internet works.

This MTV book would've been made a thousand times better if it was like this. "No, I don't remember the scene in Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" where C.C. DeVille falls off the riser, let me touch this sentence so I can refresh my memory". How awesome would that be? C.C. deserves to be revisited!

You're probably saying, "but it only works for this book". You are so small minded. Are you kidding? This works with tons of books. Like, for example, the ESPN book. They talk about the first broadcast ever, that happens to be on youtube. I'll watch that. Or Craig Kilborn's catchphrases, I'll watch that too.

Or how about The Da Vinci Code? You know how many links to Wikipedia would be on that shit?

What else? Malcolm X biography? Boom, links to his speeches. Any history book would be transformed with this. Any sports book. I'm changing the world here! I went to Hawaii and blew all of your minds. You thought it was a vacation? I just made a billion dollars.

Thank God I'm too lazy to do anything about this. Good luck, people with a work ethic and ambition.

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Aloha Means Goodbye

Many years ago, my parents took us on a vacation to Hawaii. I remember swimming in the pool, luxuriating, and thinking: "One day. One day I will be able to afford this vacation for myself".

Well, today is that day. It only took 35 years.

It's been a long year, and I am very excited to be able to get away and chill the fuck out for a second. I need to regroup because the thought of 30 more episodes next year is difficult to wrap my head around right now. So maybe this will help...or maybe it will make me not come back, which would be even better.

It took a long time for me to pull the trigger on this trip. While stuck in my sad office, I decided I needed to ignore my fear of flying and plan a get away when we had time off. When I settled on Hawaii and started looking, I began having dreams of being in a plane and crashing into the ocean.

I swear to God. I'd fly and everything would be fine, and then a giant wave would come and we'd go right down into it. I have issues.

It sounds crazy but it really freaked me out, so I put a halt to the planning. I seriously wasn't going to go because of dreams! Considering the fact that I recently had a dream about a naked midget who had Jared Leto's face and an erection that went above his head, maybe my subconscious isn't the best thing to take tips from.

But then I was stuck in some insane traffic coming home late one night from work and decided to go ahead with it anyway. I'd rather fly into a wave then get stuck on the God Damn La Cienega/405 the rest of my life. So here I am.

I wanted to write this down here so when my plane goes down, I can at least be remembered as some kind of pussy Nostradamus.

All I ask is that when you watch the Bachelor, you think of me. Except for the upcoming Ben F. season, please don't associate me with that.

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Occupy Handleman

Got a couple of interesting responses to my post on the Occupy movement.

Hulga said...

I definitely am down with the Occupy movement after watching our economic system get further and further out of sync with democracy. I don't want to wait for it to get so bad that the middle class is gone forever and the poor are even more desperate.

The level of corruption on Wall Street isn't clear (for good reasons) and so the changes that need to be made are murky and it's hard to point fingers at specific people and institutions. However, it is easier to point fingers at the protesters for being dirty, homeless, young or whatever. The mainstream, corporate owned media has definitely supported this position.

If you want to learn more about some of the demands of Occupy, here is a good place to start. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/nov/25/shocking-truth-about-crackdown-occupy

Also remember that Occupy just started in late September. It's going to take time to establish a specific agenda and leadership. Anyone who agrees with the basic philosophy that the corruption driving politics and banking has to end, needs to help create the necessary changes rather than passively sit back and criticize Occupy. Our collective future depends on it!

And:

Anonymous said...

"Let the smart people talk" is exactly how we got in this global financial mess. The poor, the marginalized, the uneducated, the homeless... they have no voice. Nobody gives a shit about them.

Including you. I guess if people want social and economic justice they should get a job and go buy it, right?


I guess the point I was trying to make was that if you continue to allow "the uneducated, the homeless" to talk on television, you are going to lose a lot of support from the masses. They are not good representatives to communicate the message, and thus, they are bad for the message.

As I wrote previously, I was watching a live broadcast from Occupy LA with a reporter randomly asking people questions. And it made me hate them. If you're really for the cause, I would think that you would recognize that that's not a good thing.

I also don't think it's helpful to be super defensive about it. I believe in a lot of what you are saying, but I also know that there are tons of idiots out there. I think it's fair to point that out.

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The Netflix Albatross

We all have at least one.

The movie on Netflix that has been in your queue, or even worse, at your house for months if not years. You tell yourself you want to watch it, yet when it comes down to it, you opt for something on the Hub or SoapNet or grossest of all, you decide to have interactions with your significant other.

For a long time now, my biggest Netflix albatross has been Zodiac, starring Robert Downey Jr., Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, and directed by David Fincher.

I really wanted to see Zodiac. I mean, seriously I did. I grew up where the movie takes place. I like Fincher. I've heard it's great. And yet, it has been at my house since April. I just couldn't pull the trigger and I don't know why.

Wait, I do know why. It's the running time listed on the sleeve: 2hrs 40 minutes.

3 hours?! Of Jake Gyllenhaal? Eh, I think I'd rather settle in for 6 episodes of The Wonder Years I've already seen.

I don't know why that is, but it is. Which is why I'm always skeptical when people talk about how TV is going to change. Things won't just be randomly on. You'll be able to go on the internet and just pick what you want to watch when you want to watch it. Well, I clearly do not like doing that. I love the surprise of the Guide. It's like a box of fucking chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

I don't want to be premeditated in my viewing. I have 23 episodes of Jeopardy on my DVR. I guarantee you I will not press play on any of them. But if it's 7:03pm and I hit the Guide and Jeopardy is there, you're damn right I'm getting in on round 1.

Back to Zodiac.

My sickness is what it took to finally crack the code. I was lying around feeling sorry for myself and stuffed up and realized: I have the time to watch this movie, and better yet, I can then mail it back and get something else that can sit here unwatched for 7 months.

And you know what?

Zodiac is great.

I really enjoyed it. It's really 2 movies. The first part is about the Zodiac killer's murders and the investigation, and the second part is Jake Gyllenhaal's obsession with the case and his efforts to figure it out. This turned out to be perfect because while I was watching I decided to give myself an intermission. I stopped at the hour and a half mark to make some popcorn and watch some football. Then I watched the rest.

And that scream you just heard was Fincher cutting his dick off. "That's not the way it was meant to be seen!"

The challenge of making this film was enormous. A 3 hour movie about an unsolved case in the '70's? And yet, they pulled it off. I was never bored. I was looking stuff up on the internet, I wanted to know more, and the acting and everything was top notch. Although I'm still confused as to whether Ruffalo is actually a good actor or we're still nostalgic about his performance in You Can Count on Me. There's a chance he actually sucks.

Anyway, I recommend it. In fact, I was starting to think "hey, maybe I'm a huge Fincher fan and never realized it 'till now. I love Se7en, The Game, The Social Network, This..." Holy shit, I'm Fincher's bitch!

Then I remembered Panic Room and Fight Club and calmed down. But still, the guy knows what he's doing.

So now that I've knocked Zodiac out, it's time to look at some of the other stalwarts in my queue. Bad Santa holds the record at 6 years. 6 years! It's been in my queue longer than my nephew has been alive. Some others:

Finding Neverland
The Great Buck Howard
Surrogates
Prizzi's Honor

At this pace, those probably aren't going to get watched. But I have a feeling Surrogates might not live up to the hype, so fuck it.

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