The Real TV Event You Must See

No, it's not the royal wedding. It is a thousand times better than any wedding could ever be. It's a reality show, but with good looking Americans, not with balding Brits, and it's this season of "The Real World".

It's interesting how when reality shows last for a long time, they are not talked about anymore. It's old hat to talk about "The Real World", or "The Biggest Loser", or "The Amazing Race". The quality may or may not be there, but the pop culture excitement isn't. But this is unfair.

The Jersey Shore is "hot", and getting crazy ratings. Yet it peaked in season 1. Meanwhile, no one gives a shit about The Real World but I would argue that this season is threatening to be its best ever. And I should know, because I have seen every single episode of every single "Real World", well, except for that one season in Brooklyn where everyone was gay except for the tranny.

Let me set the stage for you so you can get involved:

This season they went back to where The Real World cranked it up a notch: Las Vegas. 7 strangers, picked to live in the Hard Rock Hotel together, to have their lives raped...

Finally, after about 10 years of missteps, they got the casting exactly right. How did they do that? Well, they put a convicted felon in there. Brilliant. Joining him is a cute girl with a long term boyfriend who happens to have a soft spot for...convicted felons! And who doesn't mind getting punched in the face to show that she cares (3 episodes in, she almost got punched and the convicted felon has been evicted).

Then, there's a cool black guy and a nerdy white guy, who both have convicted felon parents. Lots of jailbirds, I think they're learning from "The Bad Girls Club" and "Celebrity Rehab". Criminal records = drama.

There's a black girl who is kind of horrible. And a completely normal, adorable white girl with perfect breasts.

So that's it.

Wait a minute, I'm leaving one person out. There is another cast member, who am I forgetting?

Oh yeah, it's the handsome, homophobic white guy named Dustin with 6 pack abs who likes the adorable white girl, but who has a little secret: he used to do gay porn. What's better than dumb guidos? Gay for pay Aryans.

So on this week's episode, the truth finally comes out. Heather - the cutie - is told by her mom! that her new perfect boyfriend is all over the internet doing porn.

This sends her into a tailspin, complete with crying showers and, well, lots of crying showers. But she doesn't even know that it's gay porn yet. So her and two of her roommates go to check the internet, and they're looking at all these naked dudes standing around. And the girl who likes to get punched in the face goes "I think it's...gay...p-p-p-porn". You really must see it to understand how funny that line is and her stutter on the word porn.

She quickly informs all of the roommates. The black guy pulls Dustin aside for a chat. Dustin tries to explain himself, saying that it was just straight guys living in a house...naked.

The black guy is being cool, "it's fine if you're gay". And Dustin goes "it's not like I was running around kissing dudes!" And the black guy, in the most perfect way possible responds "I thought you were fucking dudes".

Dustin explains that no funny stuff occurred...except for the one time he sucked a cock. Oh yeah, there's that. And by the end of the episode, he's accusing Heather of being a close minded homophobe. He flipped it on her! He's an evil sorta gay genius.

How does none of this sound good to you? Of course it's awesome. You should definitely watch it, unless you have stuff to do.

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A Dental Long Con

7 years ago, I went to a dentist in Redondo Beach. Redondo Beach may sound like a nice place, but it was actually in the hood. I don't know why I chose this dentist, but I'm pretty sure that it had something to do with my crappy insurance.

It was a miserable experience.

They were trying to sell me mouth guards, fillings, crowns, all while I was still slobbering in the chair. They wouldn't let me leave until I bought something, anything.

Because of that, I had not been to the dentist since (it was also because I am a huge pussy).

This had been really bothering me lately. I kept worrying that tooth decay was going to somehow lead to AIDS, or at least to looking like Charlie Sheen.

Finally, I gathered up the courage to go back. I found a dentist in the nicest neighborhood I could find, and thoroughly investigated yelp to make sure it had the latest, least pain causing equipment.

I went in there 2 weeks ago. It was a pleasant experience. Everyone was friendly, and I was informed that I have a perfectly delightful mouth. They were practically applauding my teeth.

The only drawback was the TV in front of me while I was getting my cleaning, which was playing "The Devil Wears Prada". That doesn't alleviate the stress of being in that chair. Anne Hathaway is a root canal to the eyes.

Regardless, I was quite relieved. No cavities, no issues. It turns out, there was nothing to be worried about. However, they informed me that I should come back in a week so they could do some further cleaning, just to make sure they got everything.

Well, no problem! After my 7 year absence, I vowed to keep up with regularly scheduled dentist visits. Besides, there was clearly nothing to worry about.

So I went back this morning. The girl I had the first time wasn't there, instead, they had replaced her with someone who could only be described as Heinrich Himmler with tits.

She starts scraping away, and to say that it wasn't as gentle as last time would be a tremendous understatement. And there were no standing ovations for my glorious gums.

Himmler says "are ya flossing?" I answer "yes". She keeps scraping, keeps scraping, and then, she stabs me twice in the back of the mouth. I mean, hard. I await an apology, but she goes:

"You aren't flossin' enough, cause you're still bleeding here"

Bleeding here? In the back of my mouth? You can't floss the tonsils! What the hell? It was insane, I'm pretty sure the natural response of the human body to getting cut with a scraper/knife is bleeding. I'm not a God Damn terminator.

At the end of this torture, they were encouraging me to come back in 4 months to see how things were progressing. That's when I realized, this is same shit as the hood dentist. It's just these dentists in the nicer neighborhoods are smarter. They don't nail you on your first visit cause they know that will scare you off.

They make you feel comfortable with a nice romantic comedy, some casual banter, and a clean bill of health. Then the next time they find a little something. And then in 4 months you have a cavity, and then 6 months later your wisdom teeth have miraculously regrown, and they tell you if you don't give them $5 grand you're gonna end up looking like Kirsten Dunst!

I'm on to you dentists, I'm on to you. And that's why I continue to be an rabid anti-dentite.

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What Year is "The Killing" Set In? Part II

Rosie shot her movie on super 8 film? Really? Do kids even know what that is? Flip cam? Cell phone? No?

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Chapter 9: Team Handleman: The Blumberg Years

So I was a CAA man. That felt pretty good. I was also unemployed, that felt not so good. But at least if I ran into Julia Roberts we could swap stories about our CAA agents.

About a month went by, and then my agent, Blumberg, got me a meeting for a new show on Comedy Central. Immediate dividends! Maybe this agent thing really does help.

I went to meet with the Executive Producer of the show - who is sort of a legend in show business - and he had no idea that I was coming or who I was. Sweet. Then we started talking about the show, and as we're talking his phone rings and he picks up!

So I sit there as he's yapping away on the phone, and finally he hangs up and we continue. Then the phone rings again, same thing. He was barely paying attention to me. My prospects were not looking too hot.

But at the end, he said "Look kid, I don't know you. You seem like a nice guy, but who knows? Write up a packet for this show, if it's any good, maybe we'll do something".

Wise words. It was then that I realized that while this was my first meeting ever, this guy had probably sat in a room and met about a thousand wannabe douchebags exactly like me. He probably forgot who I was before I left his office. But at least I had a chance, I just needed to hit a homerun with that packet.

It was a sketch show starring a latino comic I had barely heard of, Carlos Mencia. I went to Tower Records (Tower Records! I'm so old) and bought one of his comedy albums, sat on my bed, and listened to it.

Now, I had a dilemma. I'm about as white as you can be. There was not a single latino in my high school. And though I had been to Mexico a few times and enjoyed the movie "Stand and Deliver", how was I supposed to write for this guy? But that wasn't the real dilemma, it was this:

How do I write ideas for him that don't seem like I'm a racist?

I plowed ahead anyway, here are some ideas that were in the packet:

"Desperate Gardeners"
Desperate Housewives is a huge show right now, and one of the most talked about story lines is the affair one housewife has with her gardener. Carlos goes to some big houses in Beverly Hills and talks to some real gardeners. He gets the dirt about their steamy affairs with desperate housewives.

"Racial Slur-tionary"
There's a dictionary with a very thorough list of racial slurs (http://gyral.blackshell.com/names.html). It is so thorough in fact, that I'd bet many people would not even recognize a large portion of the "slurstionary". So is it offensive if no one knows what it means? Carlos goes to different ethnic neighborhoods and asks the locals if they can figure out what slurs like "Buckethead" or "Bruised Banana" mean. Before Carlos reveals what the word actually means, the people from the neighborhood put their own spin on why they think a certain word would be an insult to a particular race. This could also be done with people in the audience. (incidentally, according to the slurtionary, a buckethead is a Korean, and a Bruised Banana is an asian who acts black).

"Mexican or Arab?"
Carlos goes to the street with pictures of the Mexican National Soccer team and the hijackers from 9/11. He holds them up to random people on the street and they have to guess: Mexican soccer player or Arab terrorist?

"Karaoke Next to a Black Guy"
Carlos tells the audience it's time for karaoke, and pulls a white guy and a black guy from the audience. He makes the white guy rap a song that features the repeated use of the N word. If he doesn't say the N word, Carlos calls him out for being a pussy. If he does say it, Carlos respects him, but says that he's a racist.

Yeah, you get the idea.

I showed some of my friends this and asked if I would be accused of racism, and they said yes, but this is what you have to do. So I turned it in, got a second meeting with Carlos, then a third meeting with the Head Writer, and then I got the job. Incidentally, we actually shot that "Desperate Gardeners" idea in season 1.

So I have to give Blumberg credit - he made this happen. He got me the meeting. There's no job if it wasn't for him. But here's the amazing part:

He never got me a meeting for a job ever again.

Ever. That was his one! I guess that was enough for him, because he proceeded to take the next 3 years off. It's so funny, because after that first meeting, I was like, this is great! Agents really do make a difference! And then it was over.

As time went by, I started hearing stories about Blumberg. Other writers weren't happy. Others had already fired him.

But Blumberg had got me a job, a job that lasted and paid well. I stood by my man. The problem was that Blumberg was just a TV guy, and no one was representing me in features. And yet, I had a produced feature about to be released on 3,000 screens.

It was the weirdest thing, it was like Blumberg didn't believe that I had written this movie. Finally, I got on the phone with him and got pissed. I remember the conversation well, it was basically "why don't I have a feature agent when I have a feature coming out? How many feature writers do you have over there who even have a produced credit?"

I'm not even sure why it was an argument, aren't agents supposed to work FOR you? Well, I got my feature agent. We had an introductory drinks meeting. And guess what? She was just as good at kissing ass as Blumberg.

But this time I was ready for it.

I wasn't a young amateur anymore. I knew what was coming. And I did something that I still enjoy thinking about to this day.

She was in the middle of kissing my ass, when she does the classic agent line:

"If you have a feature idea, I can get you in a room with Will Ferrell"

ME: "Really?"

HER: "Yep"

ME: "So if I have a great feature idea, I could pitch it to Will Ferrell?"

HER: "Totally!"

ME: "Well, that's great, cause it just so happens I have a great feature idea that would be perfect for Will".

HER (WORRIED): "You do? What is it?"

ME: "It's called 'Part Time'. It's about identical twins who share a life. One has a wife and a boring job, and the other just parties all the time. But on the 1st of every month, they switch places and the partying one has to go to work and deal with the wife, while the other gets a nice vacation".

HER: "Uh...well...I don't know. I'm not sure about...maybe flesh it out more...and then we can see..."

Yeah, agents are dickheads.

So what happened? She did nothing for me, and I swear to God, about 6 months later:

New Line Cinema has bought the feature pitch "Sprung". The story revolves around identical twin brothers -- one a straight-laced family man whose wife and kids walk all over him, the other a hardened criminal in prison for armed robbery -- who switch places during visiting hours. Mike Karz is producing the project, which is being overseen by Kathy Busby and Sam Brown at New Line."

I emailed her this news, and wrote: "guess my twins idea wasn't so bad after all".

We never spoke again.

Time was going by, and I couldn't get another job. Production on Mencia lasted about 20 weeks, so the rest of the year I wasn't working. I was getting more and more frustrated. And then the bottom fell out...

I sent him 2 TV scripts, and he never responded to them. Like, didn't say anything, just pretended that they didn't exist. And then he gave me the wrong submission date for a packet for another show, so I missed it. When I called him about it, he didn't call me back.

That was enough. I told him he was fired. He tried to "win" me back, but it was over. I was without an agent, and happy about it. At least, for the time being...

About a year later, I was writing for an awards show. During the taping, I saw one of the writers looking at me and talking to someone, clearly they were saying something about me. Finally, she half runs over to me, very excited.

HER: "Your agent was Blumberg?"

ME: "Yes"

HER" "And you fired him?"

ME: "Yep"

HER: "Oh my God! You have to tell me how you did it! He's the worst! I'm so nervous to do it, but I can't take it anymore. I know three other people who have fired him!"

That is Blumberg. To this day I still hear stories about him. It's amazing how many people have fired him, and it's even more amazing that he still has a job.



Sorry, really wanted to do the whole thing in this post, but it got too long. Next time: I get a manager, and another agent, and then the manager treats me worse than Blumberg.

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An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 8: Team Handleman

All right, I'm gonna take a little break from the action and chronicle the history of "Team Handleman". If you don't know Team Handleman, that is the name I've given my various agents and managers over the years on this blog.

I've posted about many of their failures in the past, but I thought it might be interesting to look back on my entire roller coaster ride of representation.

Before I joined the work force, I went to film school. It was there where I heard various tales of these mysterious agents. Everyone pretty much said the same thing: getting an agent is harder than getting a job. But once you do get an agent, you're in the system and it's all good!

This seemed hard to believe. I mean, if I could get far enough to be a working writer, why wouldn't an agent represent me so they could make money too? Well, it turned out those people at film school were half right. But I'll get to that.

As stated before, I was writing on "The Soup". Even though the President of E! didn't find it funny, some folks in the industry respected the stuff we were doing. And right as that was happening, I got fired.

But luckily, I had made a few connections. These connections offered to help me get an agent. They told me to write up some monologue jokes and some sketches and they would send them to agents they knew.

I couldn't believe that I could possibly get an agent from this. Monologue jokes? Writing monologue jokes proves nothing. But I did it anyway, what did I have to lose?

Here are some of the jokes that were in my packet that I sent to agents in 2004:

The makers of the Ray Charles film "Ray" are producing a film biography of baseball pioneer Jackie Robinson. And in preparation for the inevitable Oscar speech, Jamie Foxx has killed his other grandma.

Seal and Heidi Klum are expecting their first child together. And that means if the couple has a girl, I have no idea whether or not I’d want to fuck it.

Ben Affleck will make his feature film directing debut later this year. There is hope for the film though...cause Ben Affleck isn't in it.

Director George Lucas says that the next Star Wars will be like "'Titanic' in space”. The two will also be similar in that Titanic’s Gloria Stuart will play Yoda.

Athletic sisters Venus Williams and Serena Williams have been given their own reality TV show. It's actually a game show where the audience has to guess: "Which One's a Dude?"

The Rev. Jerry Falwell was hospitalized and is now in critical condition. Where's your precious Jesus now, fat man?!?

The national director of programs for the Boy Scouts of America has been charged with possession and distribution of child pornography. Suspicions were aroused when the man gave a young scout a "my first pubes" badge.

So I took 2 pages of this crap, and sent it to guys at CAA, APA, and Broder (which has since been taken over by ICM).

Here's the cover letter:

Dear Agent Agentstein,

Joe Smith said that I could submit some of my materials to you. My name is Irwin Handleman and I am currently writing on E's "The Soup" (that was a lie, I was already fired), and a movie that I rewrote called "Dying for Dolly" is currently in production. It is being produced by Lions Gate and Fox, and is directed by Ron Underwood and stars Usher.

Enclosed you will find a list of my credits, three sketches - "History's Mysteries - Hitler's Real Motivation", "The Committee", and "Sleeper Cell Blues", as well as a sample of my jokes. I also have a reel of my produced joke and sketch work if you are interested.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

I really didn't think this would lead to anything, I mean, did you read those jokes? But somehow, someway, an agent at Broder called and we had a meeting. It went fine. He blew smoke up my ass, telling me all the things he could do for me. He's an agent, he lied.

I waited a few days, hoping that one of the other agents would call. They didn't. I had no other options, so I called the guy and said "let's do it". But one thing stuck in my head that I didn't like - he mentioned that one of his clients was Beth from the Real World San Francisco. Yikes. I mean, if it was Puck that would be one thing, but Beth? Come on.

And then 3 weeks passed, and that smoke was no longer residing in my ass - I hadn't heard from him since. And that's when the guy from CAA called...

So I went to see him, and he was WAY better at kissing my ass than the Broder guy. I mean way better. The guy french kisses ass like you wouldn't believe. He's a professional salad tosser in a suit. He said all the right things. And as he was talking, I knew that I was fucked.

The last thing in the world I wanted to do was screw over that other guy. I dread confrontation. I didn't want to make that phone call. But it was CAA! The big boys! And I hadn't heard from the guy in weeks!

So I went with CAA, and I waited. 3 more weeks passed, the Broder guy finally called, and I broke the news to him. He was beyond pissed. He said I'd never work in this town again, which was funny, because I pretty much hadn't even really worked in this town in the first place. But the deed was done, and I was free. Incidentally, that guy got fired soon after and never worked as an agent again.

I was in with CAA, a small fish in a giant pond. It was true, it was harder to get an agent than get work, but I wasn't in the system and it most definitely wasn't all good.

And I didn't know it yet, but I had just signed on with probably the worst agent in Hollywood...

Later this week on the next chapter: I fire CAA...

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What Year is "The Killing" Set In?

(Warning: No spoilers, but this post might ruin "The Killing" for you)

I was watching "The Killing" last week, and I thought, "is this supposed to be 1992?" The reason was that one of the characters, that girl on the boat who takes care of Linden's son, had racks and racks of CDs. And then Rosie's family had an old fashioned answering machine. Plus, it's set in Seattle, and nothing screams early '90's like Seattle.

I was half joking, but then I watched last night's episode. The Detectives are trying to figure out who Rosie was going out with, who she might have been seeing when she died. And I thought, based on years of television watching, specifically "The Wire", "check the phone records!"

What 17 year old girl doesn't have a cell phone? And what teenager doesn't text with her friends? So she just set out after the dance, on a bus, without calling the person she was meeting first? It makes no sense! The answer is in the cell phone, Linden!

So I was getting very upset about this, and then the end of the episode happened. Letters? Who writes letters?

What about the internet? Check that computer!

You're telling me a 17 year old girl hasn't been facebooking with a guy she likes? I would be poring over every email she ever wrote or received. I have to believe that her computer would be a treasure trove of information. God Dammit, Linden, how are you missing this?

The point is, this show cannot happen in present day! It's impossible. It just doesn't work.

So now I'm gonna be a little disappointed if it's not set in the past. I keep expecting a character to go, "did you hear? 2pac got shot!". Or, "Biggie's dead and it's the same people who got Pac and Rosie!" Something.

I guess, basically, my theory is that Suge Knight is the murderer.

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And the Winner is...

Everybody!

Previously, I asked you guys to vote for a post I never wrote based on the title, and then I would write the winner. Well, everyone brought up things I wanted to answer in the comments, so instead of picking one, I'm doing it in the form of a mailbag.

Here we go:

Patrick O'Riley (and some others) wrote:

I think I have to vote for "My Friend Won the Amazing Race!" just because I'm curious which season.

And the answer is...Victor, from Amazing Race 14. Victor and I met many years ago in a volleyball league in Santa Monica, and have been friends ever since. We pretty much only play sports together after he gave up inviting me to a karaoke bar every week. We also play tennis occasionally.

He kept very quiet about that whole Amazing Race thing, but as soon as I found out, and the season started, I told him "there is no way that you didn't win". Why? Because Victor wins at everything, except when we play tennis. I kick his ass mercilessly. Just destroy him with no regard for human suffering. Actually, now that I think about it, that's probably why we haven't played in awhile.

But in general, he's extremely competitive and succeeds in everything he does at life, so I was very confident. Oh, and they were in China and he speaks Chinese, so that helped a little too.

Anonymous writes:

I vote for the Bangs one because I hate bangs. I especially hate when some idiot hair stylist gives me bangs no matter how much I hate them and try to aviod them. Dang stylists, they never listen!!!!!!

Obviously, this is a new reader, and unfamiliar with my glorious history of anti-bangs screeds. So I direct you to this, this, this, this, this, and this.

I have no idea what that unwritten bangs post was, but it was probably something similar to those.

Anonymous writes:

Actual whores, please...

Okay, here's how that post went:

Sometimes in the TV comedy business, you do work with porn stars. Porn stars can often be a good punchline for whatever sketch you may be doing. It's key not to over use the porn thing, as many do, but every so often it can work. If for no other reason than it might be shocking and the network will pat you on the back and say you are doing something edgy when usually you're not.

Anyway, I've met a few. And for whatever reason, I follow them on twitter. Some of them are very entertaining, usually because their tweets are exactly what you'd expect a porn star to be up to on a Tuesday afternoon ("met a guy at my hotel, let him drop a load inside me"). This is funny to me, and kinda cool, because I admire anyone who is that into their work.

Others can go totally opposite of what you'd expect and be downright scary ("the jews knew about 9/11 beforehand!").

But one trend that exists has surprised me, although it shouldn't. And that trend is "wish lists".

Many of these girls put together "wish lists" of shit they want on Amazon. Then they constantly tweet to "check out my wish list!". Basically, these girls want their sad sack fans to buy them things.

Oddly, the last thing I expected from whores was true whoring.

Jackie (and others) wrote:

Women be fartin'...

This was when I was going to the gym a lot, and I would always use the elliptical machine (my body can't handle the impact of running or walking or getting out of bed).

The gym was always crowded, and it seemed like it was only ladies on all of the elliptical machines. So every time I did it, I'd be in between women. I don't think I need to go in to too much detail, but let's just say a certain odor would always arise, and I knew it wasn't me.

I was going to try to prove that scientifically elliptical machines cause farting. My theory hit a brick wall however when I discovered I had no scientific expertise and had better things to do.

Many people wrote:

John Hughes is more important than Michael Jackson?

John Hughes and Michael Jackson died around the same time, and I thought the praise and attention heaped on Michael was disproportionate to that heaped on Hughes. Here are my thoughts...

John Hughes passed away today at age 59. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say there won’t be the media coverage or attention that Michael Jackson received when he died. Yet I would argue that John Hughes had a greater impact culturally than Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, he was a writer, overweight, unattractive, couldn’t moonwalk, and had a distaste for the Elephant Man’s bones, hyperbaric chambers, and children ass.

John Hughes is the most prolific, most successful screenwriter of popular movies of the last 40 years, maybe ever. There isn’t even really a close second. Check out the credits:

Home Alone 3 (1997) (written by)
Flubber (1997) (screenplay) 

101 Dalmatians (1996) (screenplay)
Miracle on 34th Street (1994) (screenplay)
Baby's Day Out (1994) (written by)
Dennis the Menace (1993) (written by) 

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) (written by)
Beethoven (1992) (written by)
Curly Sue (1991) (written by)
Dutch (1991) (written by) 

Career Opportunities (1991) (written by) 

Home Alone (1990) (written by) 

Christmas Vacation (1989) (written by) 

Uncle Buck (1989) (written by)
The Great Outdoors (1988) (written by)
She's Having a Baby (1988) (written by)
Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) (written by)
Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) (written by)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) (written by)
Pretty in Pink (1986) (written by)
Weird Science (1985) (written by)
European Vacation (1985) (screenplay) (story) 

The Breakfast Club (1985) (written by)
Sixteen Candles (1984) (written by)
Nate and Hayes (1983) (written by) 

Vacation (1983) (screenplay)
Mr. Mom (1983) (written by) 

Class Reunion (1982) (written by)

All right, this is debatable but you have 8 classics: Mr. Mom, Vacation, Sixteen Candles, Bueller, Planes, Trains, Christmas Vacation (it somehow became a classic), and Home Alone. Vacation at the beginning and Home Alone at the end is like having 2 Thriller albums bookending your career. Amazing.

And I would argue that people say "Bueller" just as much as they sing "Billie Jean".

At this point, I became unconvinced of my own argument, and bailed. But still, that credit list is nuts.

The Bitter Script Reader says:

You're all insane for not voting for "Back to the Future is Still Insane"...

This was something that I found on the internet, and as I was writing about it, it quickly went around the web and I didn't want to be the last to do it.

In my 500 viewings of the movie, I never noticed this before:


I just don't understand how they thought that movie out so perfectly. It's so hard to get every little thing right in a script, much less make it a great movie, and these guys somehow got even the smallest details down. As fake Miley Cyrus would say, pretty cool.

Atlanta wrote:

"any dirt on Joel McHale much appreciated".

Unfortunately, I have no great dirt on Joel, he is truly a good guy. And funny as hell. And dreamy.

A couple people requested:

"What does Alex Trebek love more than anything"

Well, the "true daily doubles" was kinda the whole thing. That's all I had! So I gave up writing it because it was the only joke. But I watch Jeopardy every single night, so I have many thoughts about it, and Wheel of Fortune as well. Actually, many more thoughts about Wheel of Fortune, I don't think people understand how insane that game show is. It makes no sense, the math doesn't add up! I'm gonna have to do a whole post on that.

Some of you voted for:

"Kevin Smith is Sure Proud of Being Fat".

The Kevin Smith post was about that time he got kicked off the plane for being too fat and kept bragging about it. If that had happened to me, I don't think I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. Then again, if I wrote the screenplay for "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" I wouldn't show that to anyone either. So obviously, we are very different people.

Southwest Airlines has a policy that if you can't put both arm rests down, then you need to pay for 2 tickets. He couldn't get both arm rests down. Well guess what, Kevin Smith? Fuck you. You're outta here. You're too fat to fly.

Somehow he became a martyr, which is bullshit, because have you ever sat next to someone like this? Worst flight of your life, unless you have hypothermia and need the flesh on flesh body heat to survive.

Rather than blame the airline, who only has the policy because of complaints from average size people, how about you stop writing the worst movies I've ever seen for 2 seconds and jump on a flatulence inducing elliptical machine?

You get the idea.

There were a couple of votes for "The 10 things I'd wish I could do over again". At some point, I don't know when, I'm going to write that as a full post. But I assure you, "try hot liquids" is not on the list.

Thanks, everyone!

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Titles of Blog Entries That I Never Wrote

Don't you just love hearing about my "process"?

No? Too bad. Here we go: I start writing a lot of entries that I end up never posting. Why? Cause they suck. I usually forget about them immediately and move on, but they're still on my little blogger home page as "drafts".

Anyway, I started looking through them today and in a huge upset, they are still awful. But I thought the titles were kinda funny on their own for some reason, and also indicative of what was going on when I wrote the abandoned post.

So without further ado, here are the titles of posts I never finished because they were terrible:

"Actual Whores" (this was about porn star's tweets. I said tweets, get your mind out of the gutter)

"Elin Woods Is Not Getting $750 Million Dollars"

"Back to the Future Is Still Insane"

"Robin Hood is What is Wrong With Hollywood"

"If Lauryn Hill Was White..."

"Sometimes I Hate White People" (obviously, I don't like it when I dabble with the race issue)

"Kevin Smith is Sure Proud of Being Fat"

"Do You Know What Alex Trebek Loves More Than Anything?" (true daily doubles)

"Why Do I Try to Think of Good Ideas" (a Ryan Reynolds movie had angered me)

"Was John Hughes More Important Than Michael Jackson?"

"Ha, Ha, Dummy" (as you can tell from the title, this was about Sarah Palin)

"Entourage is Tripping Me Out"

"Hey Swimming, Nice to See You Again" (it makes me mad that swimming is huge during the Olympics and they don't do anything to capitalize on it. And by they, I mean the people in charge of swimming)

"I'm Confused by Ahmadinejad" (this was about how I don't understand people who hate Jews, yet claim the Holocaust didn't happen. Wouldn't they be super proud of it?)

"My Friend Won the Amazing Race" (well, he did)

"White People Should Concede Singing to Black People" (damn, race!)

"10 Things In My Life I'd Like to Do Over Again" (I really want to make this post happen, but it doesn't work yet)

"Arabs Hate Us For Our Families" (see!)

"I'm Really Enjoying Swingtown"

"Miley Cyrus Topless"

"More Bangs Hate"

"Women Be Fartin'"

"Asian Names Are Also Funny"

"Let's All Just Enjoy Some Dogburgers"

"Who Else Can't Wait for the Danity Kane Album?"


And there you go. By the way, that Danity Kane album totally lived up to the hype.

Now, I've never done this before, but as I was looking these up I had an idea: in the comments section, please place a vote for one of these titles, and I will write the post of whichever gets the most votes.

And if there are no votes, well then I get a nice little vacation from you people. It's up to you! It's in your hands! It's like American Idol, except people actually care about that.

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AMC's "The Killing"

The second episode of "The Killing" was on Sunday, and I am officially on board. The show is flat out great.

I was a little skeptical about it. For one, when everyone is saying how good something is "if you give it time", that's usually a warning sign. And two, I jumped in with both feet into "Rubicon" and loved it and then it got canceled. It broke my heart like Carrie Gibson in the 5th grade. Rubicon Carrie Gibson'd me, you have no idea how fucked up that is.

But I was just hearing too many good things, so I watched the 2 hour pilot last week, and it lived up to the hype.

It's about the murder investigation of a high school girl. Every episode is one day in the investigation, and we follow the Detectives, the family of the dead girl, and Billy Campbell of J. Lo's "Enough" fame as a politician running for Mayor of Seattle. Another character is the city itself, that is if you count miserable, nonstop rain as a character. No wonder Kurt Cobain killed himself, it was the rain! And also, Courtney.

People are saying the show is slow, but I don't think that's right. It's definitely not a fast paced action thriller by any means, but there's just enough surprises and twists and clues to keep you interested to see what is going to happen next.

AMC is building a pretty impressive track record since they got into the scripted game: "Mad Men", "Breaking Bad", "The Walking Dead", and now this. Only the ill fated "Rubicon" didn't last more than a season.

People always ask: "how can AMC do it and the big networks can't?"

Well, it's a lot easier to be successful on a cable channel than a big network. And it proves that Hollywood can make good shit if they don't have to worry about little things like ratings. Unfortunately, CBS has to appeal to the people who kept "The Ghost Whisperer" on for 17 seasons. That's the reason they read the pilot for "The Rememberer" and lose their minds. Fans of The Mentalist are going to love that shit. The Mentalist wasn't remembering enough, now we have a show that fills that whole!

The fact is, AMC only has to make 2 series a year. And they can just focus on quality, and not worry about appealing to the broadest audience. For example:

"Mad Men" averaged 2.4 million viewers this season.

My precious "Lone Star" on Fox premiered to 4.1 million viewers, and it's second episode got 3.23 million. And after that? Yanked. After 2 episodes, for ratings that were way better than "Mad Men", the pop culture phenomenon.

The point is, if any of AMC's shows were on CBS, they'd be canceled immediately. So the question becomes, would it be a smart move for CBS or ABC or NBC to hire the guy at AMC who is responsible for hit after hit?

I guess, sort of. At least you know you're getting someone who can make a good show. But I think the better question is, if you're the guy at AMC, is it smart to go to CBS or ABC or NBC?

And the answer to that is a Will Smith "aw hell no". Well, unless you like money. I guess it's the whole big fish, small pond thing. I'd be happy being the big fish. Others, not so much.

But anyway, for those who enjoy great TV, watch "The Killing". For those that don't, google Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs and be done with it.

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I'm Taking the Rest of the Week Off

I'm off from work this week, but we're back to it on Monday. Tosh comes back on the air in May with 10 more episodes. Then we take a little break, and do 10 more in September.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get some other stuff off the ground. Team Handleman has been hard at work attempting to expand the Handleman brand, and the next two days are filled with meetings that will definitely go nowhere. But it makes everyone feel important to have meetings.

So I'll be back next week, I'm sure with all new hilarious tales of my latest show business humiliations.

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An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 7

Here is Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, and Chapter 6.

So I saw a cut of the movie, and it was bad. But there was actually some great news:

The movie was going to open "wide" in over 2,000 theaters.

And Lionsgate decided to award me "Screenplay by" credit. Even though the process was brutal and it didn't turn out the way I wanted, at least I was getting my name on a real movie that was coming out in theaters, which was kinda the whole point. I knew I wasn't winning an Oscar with this one, but I thought it was a huge step in fulfilling my dream of living at the beach and banging Rachel Bilson.

Finally, my career was on its way!

But then...

I was still writing on "The Soup", and E! hired a new president. One of his first orders of business was deciding that "The Soup" wasn't funny. His big note was:

"There's too much Joel Mchale in the show!"

What a visionary.

Thus, we had to do these really awful field segments with "correspondents". They were really bad. But apparently, that didn't help, because there was still too much Joel! So then we did an even worse "round table" segment, where Joel talked about the week's pop culture moments with 3 "comedians".

Just to give you an example of what it's like writing comedy at E!, I once got reprimanded and called into HR because I was calling Paris Hilton a "slut" too much in my jokes. We submitted our jokes via email, and they looked at my emails and flagged slut! How crazy is that? These are jokes. It's a comedy show. And Paris Hilton is a slut.

Anyway, the President of E! still wasn't happy, and he had a new solution:

Fire all of the writers.

Interestingly enough, this is the same guy who decided that the big problem with his marriage was:

"There's too much fucking my wife in my marriage!"

And began an affair with Chelsea Handler. And lo and behold, a year later Chelsea Handler got a show on E! And what do you know, she did a segment where she talked with 3 "comedians" about the week's pop culture moments. Funny how that worked out.

Now, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I did really well on "The Soup". Despite the fact that I was the least experienced, I got a lot of jokes on the air and was a big contributor to that show. I remember after the 1st season ended, the VP of E! said these exact words to me:

"I just wanted to thank you for this year. Can't wait to get you back next season, and you're gonna get a big raise"

And I never worked there again. Thanks, Chelsea Handler's boyfriend!

However, some good things came out of it. I met a couple of great friends. One of whom has helped me out a million times ever since. After getting fired, he got me an agent at CAA.

Even this was a bit of a frustrating experience though. Why? Because I had written a bunch of screenplays, hell, I even wrote a movie that was getting made at a major studio with a $10 million dollar budget and no agent would touch me. And what ended up getting me an agent?

Two pages of Britney Spears jokes.

That's right. I was killing myself writing 100 page scripts, filled with characters and plot points and climaxes, and it turns out that the only thing I needed was about 20 monologue jokes.

So I was fired and out of a job, but now I had an agent at CAA. I was on my way! But then...

DMX's friend decided that she didn't like her "Story by" credit and appealed to the Writers Guild. When this happens, you go into "credit arbitration", which at the time I knew nothing about.

Basically, she was upset with her "Story by" credit, and wanted "screenplay by" credit, and wanted my name off of everything. I'll spare you all the details, but when this happens a committee of Writers Guild writers is formed. They look at all the drafts and decide who should get what. It's out of the studio's hands, and now up to this committee.

Also, the writers involved have to write a very long letter detailing every contribution made to the final film, and why they should get credit.

I wrote my letter, and it was exhausting. I mean, it was over 10 pages of minutia about the making of "In the Mix" (kinda like this series of posts). It had to be very detailed and precise, which I am usually not good at.

Then, I had to go meet with the board and present my case. What am I, the Lincoln fucking Lawyer? State my case?

I called them, and I asked, "do I need a lawyer for this?" And they're like, "absolutely not, don't be ridiculous". I walked in, and immediately realized that I needed a lawyer. They literally cross examined me for a lengthy period of time. I'm like, "my argument is in that very long document you made me write". If I had to do it again, I would've walked in there with F. Lee Bailey, or at least, Matthew McConaughey.

A week later, they made their ruling. Let me preface this by saying that I was not in the Writers Guild at the time, nor was the writer who made the appeal. Okay, the ruling was:

I no longer received "Screenplay by" credit, I was pulled back to "Story by" credit. The woman who appealed stayed at "Story by" credit. And the woman who rewrote the Italian dialogue, who wrote on "Law and Order", and who didn't appeal anything and was fine with the credits the way they were, went from getting no credit to "Screenplay by" credit!

Unbelievable.

Now here's a shock: she was in the Writers Guild. We weren't. The committee deciding it: The Writers Guild. Yeah, that seems fair.

That really hurt, and even though I'm now in the WGA, bitterness remains.

After this was decided, Lionsgate planned to release the movie in August against no competition. Then, they changed their mind and it was going to be September, which might've been even better. But then, they decided to go with Thanksgiving weekend. Also opening that weekend: Harry Potter...and about 10 other movies.

I was to receive a bonus if the movie made $25 million, and another bonus for $30 million. And when I say bonus, it would've been way more money than I got to write the thing in the first place.

Alas, it was not to be. On the big Thanksgiving weekend wide release, "In the Mix" came in at $4.4 million. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on the same weekend: $102 million.

In the Mix made $10 million overall. They made their money back, but there were no bonuses to be had.

It was all over. I was sorta relieved, but I'll always wonder what I could've done differently. I guess I was under the false assumption that if you write a movie that gets released in theaters, that's a big deal. Turns out, sometimes it's not. That credit has never gotten me anywhere. It didn't get me so much as a single meeting. Lesson learned.

But you know what? There is no real lesson learned. Because this movie could've just as easily been "Step Up", and I could be writing "In the Mix" sequels to this very day. So who knows? It was a gamble, and it came up shit. I've moved on.

I guess the real lesson is: keep writing. And I did. And before "In the Mix" came out, I put my head down and cranked out the next great screenplay. It was:

"Wife is Beautiful"

An unattractive married couple's relationship is tested when the wife goes on Extreme Makeover and now looks like Angelina Jolie.

On the next chapter: the story of "Wife is Beautiful", and the temporary end of my feature film dreams...

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