The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

I'm not doing a whole thing on this, but before I get started:

Holy crap, Bachelor Pad look amazing. They showed a preview during this and it was great. Jake/Vienna/Frog voice love triangle with Gia thrown in the middle? Yes, please.

This show is 2 hours long, which is about an hour and 45 minutes longer than it needs to be. Just give us Bentley, that's all you need to do.

The guys look the same, for the most part. Constantine looks chubbier.

I swear, every "girls/guys tell all" episode features someone you never thought twice about who suddenly goes off. Tonight, it's Nick, the fake blonde personal trainer guy. I think he snorted some coke before the show, and has just decided to shit all over everyone. Maybe he should've tried talking during the actual show.

William is there, and still a dick. It's very uncomfortable when they play back his highlight reel. Even if you don't like Ashley, it's still painful.

Very funny moment when Ryan tells the guys that he read 3 books about what questions to ask Ashley. I can't believe that such a romantic way to get to know a woman didn't work out. He's a crazy person.

The crowd loses their minds for Ames. I just don't get it. I mean, he's gay. That's not even up for debate. I look forward to his work on Bachelor Pad though, where he supposedly "couples up" with Jackie from Brad's season.

NO BENTLEY.

This show is officially a fraud. I've asked this before and I'll ask it again: when they sign these guys up to do the show, how is there not a clause in their contract that stipulates that they must appear on the men tell all? This makes no sense.

The one interesting thing on this season is a completely unexploited. I'd rather see Bentley on this show right now than watch the finale. Just awful, awful producing. Pathetic.

Oh, but don't worry, because Michelle Money just happens to be there, and she's the one that sent the infamous warning text messages to Ashley. Great.

Michelle regales us with her theories on men and women and forbidden fruit.

Ashley is there and almost immediately cries for no reason.

She's still trying to defend herself to the guys about liking Bentley more than them.

Ashley says that she judges people for "what she knows about them and I'll never change that". Oh, you're not gonna use what you don't know about them? Congratulations on taking that brave stance. But by the way, you did know about Bentley. Michelle is right there in the stands, and she texted you that he was not there for the right reasons. So shut up.

Holy fucking shit, they bring out God Damn Jason and Alli and Blinky DeAnna. Why must they do this every time? This is what happens when they make them fill 2 hours.

Ashley: "I didn't come into this thinking oh I'm super hot and everbody's gonna love me". Well, that's good.

DeAnna says "impordant".

Wait a minute! William gets the hot seat, Ryan gets the hot seat, Ames gets the hot seat...and not Constantine?!!! What the hell is going on? The dude made it to the final 3, was the first guy ever to make it that far and then dump the Bachelor/ette, and they did not ask him one single question.

I don't mean to be dramatic, but that is completely outrageous. Does anyone know what they're doing on this show? They wasted the first hour doing montages, then the last half hour with ex Bachelors, and yet had no time for the guy she basically dumped Ames to keep around and then dumped her?

Thank God this shit is ending tomorrow, people.

Before I go, I have to say it one more time: the one thing this season had going for it was an Ashley vs Bentley showdown, and they never made it happen. It's like Survivor not declaring a winner, or Celebrity Rehab not having Steven Adler. What a waste.

See you tomorrow night, when we finally can move on with our lives...

Read More

Gosling Update

I watched "Crazy, Stupid, Love" last night and thought it was great. Whenever you see a movie like that it makes you wonder why all movies can't be at least that good. It just doesn't look that hard. And that's probably why the guy who wrote it is getting $500 grand a week to punch up scripts, but for some reason, that doesn't really work.

Anyway, in my last post I wrote that I was surprised that Ryan Gosling got cast as "the player" because I thought the role would go to someone who is good looking.

Well, much to my surprise, Gosling completely won me over! I love him.

And it got me thinking, we always reward these actors for playing "ugly" or "retarded" characters. That's what wins Oscars. But really, that's easy to do. It's easy to go from good looking to ugly. The leap from Dustin Hoffman to retarded isn't that far.

But the real challenge for an actor, is to be unattractive and act handsome. Seems impossible, but Gosling has pulled it off.

Ryan Gosling can pretend to be good looking. I don't know how, but he can do it. Now that's impressive. He should win every award, because I don't think it's been done before.

If only he could teach Taylor Lautner how to do it, we'd really have something.

Read More

A Tale of Two Goslings

I don't read a lot of screenplays these days, but when I do it's always fun when they come out and I can see how the script held up. This weekend the Steve Carell movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love" comes out, and I read it about a year ago.

The guy who wrote it, Dan Fogelman, is a genius, and is currently the hottest screenwriter in the world. He's making millions, and he deserves it.

Here's what I wrote about it at the time:

LOGLINE: “Straight-laced, forty-something Cal Weaver is living the dream – good job, nice house,great kids, and marriage to his high school sweetheart - but when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his ‘perfect’ life quickly unravels.”

It's a great script, and shows why you can't always trust a logline. The weird thing about it is there is not a single original thing in it. Not one. You've seen all of it before, and yet...the script is amazing! He did it in an original, funny way, that you can completely see as a movie. He is a beast. Congrats.

It's the kind of thing you read and think "oh, this is easy, anyone can write a movie!" No, they can't. It's damn near impossible.

I don't think this is the type of movie that will be screwed up from script to screen. Judging from the trailers, they seemed to just shoot what he wrote. It may not be your cup of tea, but I can guarantee you that my mom is going to love it.

Ryan Gosling is in it as the "playa" who teaches Carell how to be a ladies man. I never would've pictured Gosling in the role when I read it. I thought they would go with someone who is, you know, actually good looking.

He's what I would call "famous looking". Girls say he's hot now, but before he was rich and famous, no one was looking at him twice. He was convincing as a guy who has to date a sex doll, for Christ's sake. He looks like David Arquette's little, better at acting brother. And no, David Arquette isn't handsome either.

But after seeing the commercials, it looks like he pulled it off. Probably because he is an amazing actor, and also because he did a lot of crunches.

Just as this movie is about to come out, another Ryan Gosling movie is starting to get promoted. It's called "Drive". And coincidentally, I also read that script.

Unfortunately, I didn't make it past page 20.

But I watched the trailer and it looked pretty good.



Why didn't I get past page 20? Well, the premise is fucking insane. Here it is:

The best getaway driver in the world.

That's the premise. It's a guy who is really good at driving. So good, in fact, that criminals hire him to be their getaway driver when they do their criminal stuff.

He's a free agent to the underworld, offering his services of really good driving.

What the hell?

I don't think that's how that works. I think criminals are okay enough at driving that they don't have to pay a guy a cut of their heist to drive for them.

And also? If you're that dependent on a getaway driver to pull your job, then maybe you should take another 5 minutes and figure out a better plan.

"Well, all the cops are going to come immediately, so we better have the Jeff Gordon of getaway drivers on our side. There's no way in the world we can do this without the cops just immediately chasing us".

So I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get over the premise of that one, no matter how good the preview looks, or the fact that Christina Hendricks giant boobs are costarring.

Read More

Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 9

Fantasy suite episode. That's right, Ashley's gonna have sex 3 times with 3 different guys in 3 days. Normally, that's skanky behavior, but if there are cameras and Chris Harrison around it's called "romance".

We're in Fiji. According to Ashley, it's a tropical paradise, and "every vacation goers dream". Not Ames. He's knee deep in prepubescent penis over in Thailand right now and you couldn't drag him to Fiji.

We are down to Constantine, the other guy who looks like Constantine, and JP. It seems pretty obvious who stands out in this equation. The question tonight is which of the long haired dirty hippies gets sent home. My guess is Constantine. Why? Because he's not worshipping Ashley enough to suit her insecure needs.

And just as I predicted...Ryan shows up! I've been telling everyone my theory about this, and lo and behold, it has come true. Watching 17 seasons of The Bachelor finally pays off.

Ryan tells us that they had a connection, and what if Ashley regrets her decision? Uh, she doesn't. She was pretty clear that she had no interest in you.

Let me interject here and say that the only reason this is happening is because they know this season is a dud. There's no other explanation. Nothing special was going on with these two. It's for drama sake only, and it's a pathetic attempt at that.

As Ryan pleads his case, Ashley looks at him in the same way that America is looking at him right now: like he's a complete fucking psychopath.

Ryan says "don't feel you have to respond right away". Why? Because an immediate "no" is too obvious? He gives her his address where he's staying in Fiji, yeah, just follow the TV cameras.

First date is with Ben. They go on a boat and drink out of pineapples. Cause what else do you do in Fiji?

This was discussed in the comments, but I really, really don't see any of these guys being The Bachelor. There is no one who is compelling here. And they're not good looking. Then again, the same can be said of Ashley and yet here we are.

Ben says he "saw my life with Ashley flash before my eyes", that must be why he's sleeping.

Later that night, they have dinner. Ben wears a giant white V neck that makes him look like a cross between a bull fighter and a gay bull fighter.

God damn Ben is boring as shit. He talks really slowly and quietly. And he has no personality whatsoever. If he's not talking about how things are "progressing", he's talking about his dumb fake winery. He's got nothing else.

At long last, Ashley gives Ben the fantasy suite card. My fantasy right now is to change the channel.

Ben carries Ashley from the pool to the bed, and we have to assume, gives her a good flossing, if you know what I mean.

The next day, she meets up with Ben's doppelganger, Constantine. He talks about how he needs a hair cut so bad because he has "a mullet". Uh, your hair looks exactly as it did on day 1. Maybe he's trying to keep looking exactly like Ben.

Bachelor Copter!!! Huge lack of the copter this season, glad to see it's back. But I'm not half as excited as Constantine is. He celebrates. If only he liked Ashley as much as he liked air travel.

Oh jeez, Constantine just told Ashley "you're crushing my bucket list". Why would anyone have dating an annoying dentist on their bucket list?

Holy shit! The funniest thing just happened. Maybe this Ryan thing wasn't a bad plan by the producers after all. Because as Ashley and Constantine fly in the helicopter, they pan down to the beach below and Ryan is standing there all alone looking up at them! That was amazing. And gay.

Constantine is not a good looking guy, and he's gonna get fat. Or should I say, fatter.

How can a girl go out with Brad and then go out with these guys? It's like driving a Ferrari and then buying a Toyota Yaris.

Ashley gives Constantine a really hard time for thinking things through when he makes decisions. Yeah, what a jerk.

Constantine's lack of emotion is making Ashley even more paranoid about herself. Keep in mind though, dear, that Bentley showed you tons of emotion.

She's doing everything she can to try and get Constantine to confess his love for her, and he's giving her nothing. Now he's basically saying he's not that into it. We might be looking at a non fantasy suite date here, people. That rarely happens.

Constantine says that he knew if he got to the fantasy suite stage and he wasn't in love, he wouldn't accept it. He respects her too much.

And THEN HE DUMPS HER!!!

Oh man, that just happened. Just when I thought Ashley couldn't be humiliated any more, Constantine comes along and totally makes it worse! Do you realize what he just said? It was essentially this:

I would rather get on a plane for 17 hours then fuck you right now.

Where will we find another guy to replace Constantine at this late hour in Fiji of all places?

Wait, back up. I need to comment on this insanity. Ashley started with 25 guys. The one she liked the most, hated her guts. Brutalized her for multiple episodes on national TV before finally leaving the show. And then, a guy she kept until the final 3, also had absolutely no interest in her. So out of the 4 guys she liked the most, 2 rejected her. And she's the Bachelorette. Okay.

Ashley does the walk of shame to Ryan's hotel. Ryan says "I just don't know what your mind set is". Yes you do! She told you. She kept the dude who had no interest in her over you. She kept the guy who was even gayer than you over you! How much more spelled out do you need it?

Ashley gives Ryan the exact same speech she gave him before. She didn't feel the passion. Yeah, I heard you the first time. Too bad he didn't.

JP time. This is kinda like securing a playoff spot but still having to play your last regular season game. There's nothing on the line, but you just try to get through it with no injuries.

They get on a plane. And basically do the exact same thing she did with Constantine. You see? Not a lot going on in Fiji.

If they cut to a shot of Ryan looking up at their plane while he weeps on the beach, I will lose my mind.

Poor JP. He's like a pathetic little puppy dog. What in the hell did that last girlfriend do to him?

Whoa, Ashley has sunburned boobies. Well, what little boobies she has.

Ashley lies and tells JP that she "said goodbye to 2 guys yesterday". And about Constantine: "we decided" there wasn't anything between us. Really? We decided? I remember the time we decided to get attacked on 9/11.

While she tells him this, there's a giant bug on top of JP's head. Or it might be a leaf. Either way, it's distracting.

They go to the fantasy suite, and Ashley gives him a root canal, if you know what I mean.

Ashley tells Chris that she's still gonna have the rose ceremony, because she's realizing that it's a 2 way street and the guys have to also like her. You're just realizing this? After multiple guys have bailed on you? I guess anyone can be a dentist.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY.

This seems a bit anticlimactic, but it is tradition:

BEN

JP

Duh.

And that's it. This is brutal. It's so maddening because we all knew Ashley as the Bachelorette was a bad decision. There were so many better choices, I just don't get it.

NEXT SUNDAY: The Bachelor's tell all. Not sure why it's on Sunday. But Bentley will be there, so that should be interesting. Luckily, this means we get this season over with next week.

Ben or JP? JP. But...

Ryan will come back to make sure that Ashley is still sure about her decision. You know, just in case she regretted getting rid of him twice. And then he will walk the beach with his thoughts.

Read More

10 Things I'd Like to Do Over Again (Part II)

9. The Laura Davison Non-Incident

It was the Homecoming Dance, junior year of high school, and I knew who I was going to ask. Laura Davison. We weren't a couple, heck, we were barely speaking due to the fact that we had no classes together. But there had been some intimate moments at school. Well, maybe they weren't intimate, but I was interpreting an occasional look in my direction as her professing her undying love.

Let's back up for a second, because this wasn't completely made up in my head. Freshman year. She asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. We went, had an okay time, nothing special. It was my fault, I just didn't know what to do. Oh, and did I mention the fact that she was a foot taller than me?

Yeah, that didn't help matters. But now it was two years later, and I had grown to about Seth Green's height and she had maxed out. We were now seeing eye to eye - I was suddenly almost a man and she had blossomed into womanhood (re: boobies). Our time was here.

I decided on the day I would ask her and would not be deterred. This was a big deal because I generally have difficulty talking to people.

I nervously searched for her on D Day but couldn't find her. She wasn't at school for some reason. It would have to wait 'till tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and once again, she wasn't there. What the hell?

A third day, still no Laura. This was really putting a crimp in my plans. Wasn't anybody worried? She might be kidnapped. But there was no Amber Alert back then, a kid went missing and you just went about your day.

This is very typically for me though. I don't ask questions. Like it was normal that a classmate just stopped coming to school. After 4 days, I broke down and inquired with her friends. That's when I learned the truth:

Laura had been in a car accident. She went to the eye doctor, and her eyes were all jacked up and she crashed. She wasn't hurt too badly, but she was skipping some school and recovering at home.

Unfortunately for me, some Asian kid (my school was about 60 percent Asian) who also had his eye on Laura did ask questions. And he seemed to find out about Laura's crash right as it happened. He seized the initiative (as Asians are wont to do) and visited Laura at her house every day.

He'd go after school and bring her the homework she needed, along with gifts, I assume. He outworked me! He was all over her, and concluded this attention showering by asking her to the dance. And Laura, wounded from the accident and possibly drugged out of her mind said yes.

I was crushed. And I decided right then and there, I wasn't going to the dance.

But my best friend had other plans. You see, he was moving to Arizona the week after the dance. In fact, his mom had already moved, and he was living at my house while finishing out the semester.

He gave me his best "wolfpack" speech about how this was our last time together, a big event, and he wanted me to double date as our last hurrah before he deserted me.

He wouldn't take no for an answer. But who would I ask? I asked. Well, he said, there is someone.

This someone was a girl I had previously been in love with for many years. However, I had moved on. Of course, my moving on only happened after she ignored me and moved on to dating a college dude. And this college dude was away at college, so she wasn't going to the dance either.

"Just ask her as a friend, tell her about how I'm moving and it's our last hurrah together". I'm telling you, he really poured it on with that hurrah bullshit.

I hated doing it. I knew she'd think it was about me loving her. But I bit the bullet. And after about 20 minutes of assuring her that it was just a friendship thing and I had no interest in fucking her, she said yes.

The four of us (my buddy and his date) drove out to San Francisco for dinner. I remember Wrecks N Effect's "Rumpshaker" had just came out and they literally played it 6 times during our drive.

We ate an Italian restaurant, and I had to embarrass myself by ordering "spaghetti with no sauce". One of many food related humiliations that were to come in my life.

Then we drove back over the bridge for the dance. I wasn't the rumpshaker I am now, but I did my thing. Then a slow song came on. We awkwardly put our arms on each other's waist and stepped once to one side, then once to another. You know the drill.

My head was right at her shoulder (that height thing again). And we danced, I can even tell you the song: PM Dawn's "I'd Die Without You" (from the amazing Boomerang soundtrack). I remember it so well because that's when I saw her:

Staring at me, not 5 feet away, while dancing with her Asian Florence Nightingale, was Laura Davison. I mean, she was really staring at me. So much so that I completely pussied out and looked away. Then I looked back again, and held it as long as I could before my balls shrunk into my stomach from fright.

It was a fucking moment.

The song ended. Other things happened. And then Laura and the girl she was double dating with came up to me, excitedly. It seems the Asian dudes they were with wanted to go back to their house and they were completely not interested. They wanted to know what we were up to. I said, "we're going back to my place". And they said, "can we all come there instead?" Hell yeah you can come!

Our foursome went back to my place, and I eagerly awaited Laura and her crew showing up. But in the meantime...

My parents had a hot tub. And somehow my buddy and I convinced our dates that getting in was a terrific idea. I did this shit before you, Situation and Paulie D!

We must have planned this out early because the girls had bikinis. And let me tell you something: when the girl I had been in love with disrobed, all of the air went out of my body. I've never had that happen before. Her body was ridiculous. It was that stage of life where girl's really shouldn't have that kind of body, but they sometimes do. And I had never seen one in person.

Of course, she had no interest in me. So I just sat in that hot tub trying to steal glances at a body that I wouldn't know what to do with even if she threw it at me.

We got out, and my girl was ready to go home. And then Laura and her friend and their Asians' car pulled up. They were here. At my house.

They came in, and Laura walked over to me and said: "Do you have a shirt I could borrow?" Hell yeah I did!

We went upstairs to my room, just the two of us (where in the hell were my parents? I have no idea). I went to the drawer and got a shirt and turned to her. She was giving me that look again. There was an amazing silence. It was about to happen. We moved closer...

And then her friend walked in.

She wanted a shirt too. Moment over.

We went downstairs and the 8 of us watched "Boyz 'N the Hood", and then everyone left.

The next week at school I did my best to run into Laura, but it never really happened. Our paths were just not crossing. Weeks went by, and I got no traction. Then I heard she was dating some water polo playing asshole at our rival high school.

It was over.

So that's another one I'd do over again. First, I wouldn't look away during that slow dance. And second, I'd kick that friend out of my room and take Laura to pound town. Although back then, it probably would've just been heavy petting town.

Laura, if you ever read this and don't remember it this way at all, please don't tell me. It's the only thing that makes PM Dawn listenable to me these days.

Read More

Friday Mailbag: Response to "Entourage"

I received some interesting comments on my post about "Entourage". Let's take a look:

Anonymous said...

yeah but the funny thing is I only stick around because of Ari Gold---to me, he's the star of the show.

if i want to watch the shennigans of a hollywood star, there's Charlie Sheen, no need to watch a show about a fictional hollywood star.

As my USC film professor used to say, "Entourage is trash imitating life."

Yeah, I shouldn't have left out Ari. Without him, they'd really have nothing. Based on previous experience, what USC professors call "trash" I call "entertaining".

I don't agree with the Charlie Sheen argument, because you could say "I could watch high school football any time I want, there's no need to watch "Friday Night Lights". Doesn't hold up.

Thin Guy said...

Agree. I've always been amazed by how little "conflict" Entourage needs to be entertaining. It just comes down to this: we want to hang with those guys. They're fun to be around. Which is, I suppose, what every successful show comes down to.

Regarding your pilot meetings, are the execs also saying that they don't want any premise pilots? (even though it seems half of the shows on TV start that way)

I read somewhere that they don't want premise pilots but I have not seen this at all.

Anonymous said...

I have to personally disagree with you about wanting a thread that ties the shows together. I don't need the soap opera drama of a thread like that. I enjoy that at the end of the episode, there are no lose ends and no cliff hangers. I don't want cliff hangers to pull me back. I don't want to get that committed to a half hour comedy. I just want to laugh and go.

I do agree with you about the Wilfred comment...that it's a very long half hour. I have watched all of the episodes so far but I feel like I'm trying too hard to like it. I don't naturally like the show at all. I just feel like giving it a shot, but always end up disappointed. How many pot smoking scenes do I have to watch each week in this program? I AM SICK OF THE POT SMOKING SCENES ALREADY.

As for Louie, I am new to the show and have only watched the current season. I love it! I really do care about his character. I root for him. So, I would again have to disagree with you when you said that a show like this doesn't have the thread that makes you care about the characters. It may not have a thread, but I do care.

FYI, I only started watching Wilfred and Louie after reading your post about them, so thanks for being a good influence-I am a true Louie fan now. Also, I watch Shark Tank for the first time last season and am a fan of that show now as well!

I understand that I am in the minority with this thread thing. Most Americans want to watch shows that are contained this way. That's why Law and Order and CSI and the rest of that crap are so popular. It's just completely not for me and it never will be. There's no reason for me to come back and watch a show if every episode is self contained. It's personal preference, I guess, and everyone else's preference sucks.

Joshua James said...

I love Entourage, and could go on for a long time about why (maybe when I finally buy you a beer) and I agree with everything you said ... I recently have gotten back into Larry Sanders, which I've never seen in its entirety, and am working thru it ... it's clear that Entourage owes a lot to Larry ... but I also dig Entourage because it is fun without slamming you in the face with it ... which is why Sunny in Philly never worked for me, really ...

I loved Action, btw, but thought it was trying too hard to be a sitcom ... Entourage doesn't do that, doesn't try hard at all ...

Agreed.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Handleman,

You are what you make fun of.

Sincerely,

Someone who knows enough to know that you should know better.

I'm guessing a friend of mine wrote this, but I don't know who it is or what it really means. The fact is, I've always liked shows like this, so I don't get it.

hulga said...

They lost me when Marky Mark turned it into an ad for his tequila. So tacky.

Very, very true. This cannot be argued. They've made some big errors like this, no doubt.

Script Tease said...

Hmm..someone is feeling surprisingly reflective. I think it's time you threw off the shackles of cruel comedy and became a drama writer!

I'm actually already doing that.

Thanks to everyone who had something to say, good or bad.

Coincidentally, there is a nice debate about "Entourage" by Molly Lambert and Chuck Klosterman on grantland today. It's interesting, they're debating but they both seem to enjoy the show, and make essentially similar arguments to mine.

TGIF, motherfuckers.

Read More

This Is Not Cool to Say, But: Entourage is Underrated

Entourage is coming back for its final season on Sunday, and I'm sad to say I'm looking forward to it. The show had its heyday a good 5 years ago, and is now considered lame.

But Entourage has had a bit of a rebirth in my house, because reruns of it are on Channel 5 every night at midnight. Thus, I've probably watched the entire series end to end about 4 times in the last couple months.

Incidentally, that proves the notion that shows really do need 100 episodes before hitting syndication. Entourage has 88, and it's a matter of weeks before you've seen every episode twice and are sick of it. "Friends" and "90210" on the other hand, are enjoyable marathons through a decade of clothes and hairstyles and aging. The gang graduates from California University just as Andrea Zuckerman is hitting menopause.

It's weird to think that Entourage came out just a year after "The OC", which has been long gone for awhile now. They both used the word "bitch" to grab the public's imagination, but HBO's smaller seasons allowed E and Company to stick around past its prime.

The show has many faults. Adrian Grenier for one. And though some people love Kevin Dillon's performance as Johnny Drama, I can never decide if he's the worst actor in the world or just the worst actor in the Chase family.

I hated when Vince was broke, and I hated it even more last season when he suddenly became a daredevil drug addict, brought about by the dumbest, tamest looking stunt in the history of film.

The show is not supposed to be about struggle. That's kind of the opposite of the entire point.

It will never be remembered as one of the great shows, but I think it's underrated, and I'll tell you why:

It is very difficult to do a show about Hollywood. First of all, it's inherently uncool. Secondly, you'll never get it right. And third, it's been done and who cares.

Probably the best show about "the business" was a show on Fox called "Action", starring Jay Mohr of all people. They absolutely nailed it. So it was promptly canceled after 13 episodes.

People didn't want to see that stuff.

Looking back on it now, it was really funny, but really depressing. And it wasn't fun. Entourage, for all of its issues, is fun. And its biggest weakness is also its greatest strength: it doesn't try too hard.

That's what I love about it. It doesn't really try. It could easily have a lot more jokes. But it doesn't go for them. It could have a lot more drama, but it doesn't go for that either (although when it does, it's awful: see Vince's drug addiction).

The result of all of this not trying is one of the fastest half hours on television. The great thing about Entourage is even when it's not good, it's over quickly. And it's no harm done.

On the other hand, an episode of Wilfred can be the longest 30 minutes of your life.

So I started thinking that Entourage is the kind of show I want to write. Not a show about Hollywood, but a half hour that doesn't need 3 jokes a page. Just some characters you care about, an interesting story in a fun world, a little escapism, some humor, some drama, but no Johnny Drama. I would like more shows like that on TV, because I'm tired of half hours that are just a bunch of jokes being forced down my throat.

Unfortunately, TV is heading in the opposite direction. When I go around and meet with the networks or pitch them things, most of them are looking for "stand alone" half hours. They want shows that that have no continuous story line, like "It's Always Sunny" or "Louie".

That's not what I like. I like Sam and Diane on Cheers, Ross and Rachel on Friends, or Vince and E trying to get Medellin made. There's a thread there. You want to watch the next episode to see what happens to the characters, not the next set of jokes. In fact, if you go back and watch Entourage they usually end an episode with a tiny twist, an "oh shit" moment that is a mini cliffhanger that makes you curious to see where things are heading.

I could give a shit about all of the one liners the "It's Always Sunny" crew is going to make about retards in their one retard episode. I've done enough retard jokes in my day, I don't need to hear anymore. It's boring.

So I wrote a show like that. But when I pitch it, I don't mention that it aspires to Entourage. Why? Because that would be embarrassing.

Read More

Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 8

I noticed I was getting a lot of hits on the blog today, so I went to investigate. It turns out, lots of people were finding me by googling "bachelorette ames gay". What we call gay Ashley calls "unique".

But for some reason people were also searching "bachelorette ashley scientology". Not sure what that's all about. Well, she is going out with a gay guy, that is Scientologist behavior.

Home visits.

First up, Ashley heads to Cumming, Georgia to meet Constantine's family. Oh, that would've been so much better if Ames was from Cumming for some reason.

Constantine is stunned that he's "made it this far". He's proving to have even less self esteem than Ashley, which is no small feat. He's Greek, but his family owns an Italian restaurant, because "it's a business". From my experience, the only people who work at Greek restaurants are Mexicans, but that might just be LA.

Are all Greek families a stereotype? If you swapped out Constantine's family for Blinky DeAnna's, no one would know the difference. It's all the same poopa's to me.

You could fit 3 Ashley's into one of Constantine's mom. She's not even really fat, she's just a large, large woman. "I got my dad's good looks, and my mother's beefiness".

Constantine's parents are about as enthusiastic about Ashley as Bentley is.

Ha! Just as I write that DeAnna thing, all of Constantine's Greek relatives show up as a "surprise" - which is the exact same thing that happened during DeAnna's home visit. I think this is the official sign that I need to stop watching this show. Another sign: I'm a 35 year old heterosexual male.

And they do the stupid Greek dance, and there's the same old lady there clapping along. This just proves that we only need one Greek family in America. We should legally be allowed to murder Nia Vardalos.

Next up, we head to Pennsylvania to meet Ames and his emotionally unavailable family. And Ames immediately busts out the gayest trot ever. I hope to read that someone searched "ames gay trot".

Ashley struggles to defend Ames to Ames' sister. "He's just different...in a good way". His sister: "he gets excited to plan these mysterious dates..." You mean like all those mysterious trips to Thailand alone?

His sister: "it's very hard to find a fault in the guy, he's always in shape". Oh Lord.

Ashley says that Ames is the perfect guy but she's missing that romance, that spark. That's the same thing she said about Ryan. Those two guys seem to have a lot in common.

The word "spark" is used a lot in the Ames household.

I don't think I'm hating on the gays here, I'm not intending to, but it really bothers/saddens me when people are obviously gay and feel like they can't come out of the closet. I don't know what I would do if I had a family member that was gay, but I hope that I would go to them and be like "it's cool! Come out, everyone knows already, it's all good. And also, don't go on a reality TV dating show where the goal is get married to a woman".

It's just uncomfortable to watch everyone pretend.

Oh no! Awkward kiss alert. Poor Ames. He can't even bring himself to open his mouth for her, probably fearing that some puke would shoot out.

And finally, we get to leave that throne of lies, and go to Sonoma, Ca and Ben's family. Sonoma? I wonder if Detective Linden finally made it there.

Shit, we have to hear more about how Ben's a winemaker. That's high class talk for "unemployed".

Ashley and Ben together serves as a stark contrast to what we just saw with Ames. They are clearly interested in a man/woman sexual way, and kiss very naturally like they actually enjoy the opposite sex.

Ben says "super" a lot.

Sorry guys, there is nothing good about this episode. I got nothing. But the lack of action is allowing me to eat a delicious ice cream sandwich right now.

Ben and his mom have identical faces. It's spooky. She could be Constantine's mom.

It sounds like his sister runs his life. She signed him up for the show, and has hated every girl he's ever gone out with. Fun! I think she and Ben have a similar relationship as Angelina Jolie and her brother.

These 2 Ben hometown segments might be the worst 20 minutes...in Bachelor history.

The last hometown is with JP in New York. Uh, just a wild guess: they are not showing these dates in the order they actually happened. That would be a waste of the ol' travel budget. I'm guessing it went JP first, then Ames, then Constantine, and then Ben. These are the things I have to think about when the show is giving me jack shit.

They go rollerskating to the sounds of "Can't Fight this Feeling" by REO Speedwagon and make out like they're in 7th grade. Well, Ashley does have the body of a 7th grader.

Every guy has stated how many girls they've taken home to meet their parents. Is that a thing? I think my number is zero. I mean, they eventually meet, but there's no formal bringing home of the girl.

JP always alludes to a disastrous relationship before Ashley, but we never get specifics. I'm guessing he was cheated on, and now Ashley seems like a good idea to him.

Ashley's chin is really red for some reason. It might be because of rubbing on JP's stubble, or maybe Ames passed on some strange chin disease he picked up from a 12 year old in Thailand.

JP doesn't seem Jewish, but every one in his family looks like they came straight out of Fiddler on the Roof.

JP to his mom: "What's to stop me from proposing now as to 3 months from now?" Uh, every other bachelor from every other season? That should stop you.

JP's mom pulls out a picture of a 13 year old JP at his Barmitzvah. He looks like a cross between Joseph Gordon Levitt, Doogie Howswer, and a guy with hair.

A commercial for Bachelor Pad! It's the greatest love triangle in Bachelor pad history: Jake/Vienna/Frog Voice. That is officially the most interesting thing that has happened on this show tonight.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Ames has to be gone.

BEN - Ben got a haircut for the occasion, I presume his sister gave it to him in a sexual tension filled way, much like Kyra Sedgwick cut John Travolta's hair in the movie "Phenomenon".

CONSTANTINE - not a lot of suspense there.

Ames acts stunned. Sorry buddy, but here's the good news: she was a woman. And Thailand is still out there, beckoning to you with little boy sirens singing irresistible Lady Gaga songs.

Next week: Fiji, and fantasy suites. Although with Ashley they are more like sad reality suites.

Goodnight.

Read More

Hollywood is Letting Taylor Kitsch Down

I love Tim Riggins. If I had to have sex with a man, had to, gun to my head, Tim Riggins would be the second guy on my list (the first would be Kenny from The Challenge Rivals, but that's neither here nor there).

Tim Riggins should be a movie star. Or maybe he should be a TV star. Either way, the word star is in there for this guy. But unfortunately, his moves post Friday Night Lights have been awful.

The problem? He's not getting to play regular guys who are funny.

That's the beauty of Tim Riggins! He's a dude. He's funny. That's what we want to see from him.

Instead, they make him a mutant in "Wolverine". And then he's doing a shitty South African accent in "The Bang Bang Club". You're taking away all of his strengths!

Now, I'm not one of those people who has to type cast people and only want to see them as the famous character they've played. That's not what I'm saying. He doesn't have to be Tim Riggins. But some actors were not meant to dress up like gladiators.

It's the Orlando Bloom theory. There are certain actors that simply don't work in roles that take place in period pieces. True, Bloom was in the Pirates movies, but he wasn't really the star, now was he? Then look what happened when they mistakenly thought he was a star because of those movies, and put him in "Kingdom of Heaven".

What's "Kingdom of Heaven"? Well, that's where they got the exact people who did "Gladiator" but stuck Orlando Bloom in the Russell Crowe role and everyone laughed because Orlando Bloom carrying a sword is so dumb looking cause he's obviously a total pussy.

There are no dragons around these days, so pussies rule. Orlando Bloom fits right in. You put Orlando Bloom in a suit "cute meeting" Kate Hudson, and my mom will probably watch that. But you're not throwing him into a gladiator ring against Djimon Hounsou and expecting him to come out alive.

The point is, there are some actors that just belong in our times. 2011. Tim Riggins isn't Orlando Bloom, and he isn't a pussy, but he is at his best when he's on planet Earth and not a God Damn mutant.

So what is Tim Riggins doing next? He's dressing up like a gladiator in this piece of garbage:


That's the new trailer for a movie called "John Carter". Taylor plays the title character, who gets transported to Mars and basically the plot of Avatar happens.

And after this? He's starring as a naval captain in the movie version of the game "Battleship.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's almost like when standup comedians inevitably do their dramatic role. No! That's not what you do, that's not why we like you. Stick to being funny.

So please, Riggins, stop saving the world in medieval times, put on some jeans, maybe a tank top, drink a beer, and exist in the 21st century. And do it soon, or you'll be back working at Riggins Rigs with Billy.

Read More

Barack Obama Needs to Take a Lesson From Mel Gibson

No, not hating Jews. Or demanding to get blown before taking a jacuzzi. Although, the jacuzzi thing sounds kinda good.

No, I'm talking about the budget deal.

I don't know much, but I think I have this right: in March, the Republicans stated that any cutting of the deficit would have to be made up of 85% spending cuts, and 15% revenue increases (taxes).

So Obama, the shrewd negotiator that he is, offered up a budget that consisted of 83% spending cuts, 17% revenue increases. And of course, the Republicans quickly called him a Communist.

They won't do the deal, even though it's pretty much the exact deal they said they wanted. It's their old rule that anything Obama says - even when it's their idea - they automatically have to hate it.

Republicans don't seem to understand that they only have a majority in the House. I know "compromise" sounds like a dirty word, but that's generally what happens in negotiations when you don't have all the power. The goal is for both sides to be a little unhappy.

So it's time to knock off the nonsense. Obama has to learn what Mel Gibson learned in the movie "Ransom": you can't negotiate with terrorists.

This is my proposal:

Obama should get network TV time, and sit at his desk in the Oval office. On his desk: piles and piles of CASH.


PRESIDENT OBAMA (directly to camera)

The whole world knows now that we are unable to come up with a budget deal, and the Republicans are holding the debt ceiling hostage. This is the money that awaits the men that have the power to do something about it. This is your ransom.

$200 billion dollars in social security cuts, just like you wanted. But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for the debt ceiling. Not one dime, not one penny.

You still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this Earth will be.




Then he tells Rene Russo to "just shut up...and BLOW ME, sugar tits!". And scene!

Read More

Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 7

Man, a week off? They've never given me a vacation before, and with this season, it is much appreciated. But I'm feeling rusty...

This episode will also include an interview with Emily. So even when the guy's aren't wishing they were with Emily, the network was wishing they had picked Emily.

We head to Taiwan. Or as Ames calls it, "the last stop on my fuck Asian boys tour". And the rust is off!

There are 6 guys left, Ashley will get rid of 2, and next week she goes to their hometowns. That's where Ashley meets their parents and their parents say "oh, we thought you were gonna be Emily...or at least have breasts".

Constantine gets the first one on one, which is a nice consolation prize after he lost Wimbledon last week.

They get on a train and head to a little village that is having a "lantern festival". I guess that's the kind of stuff you do when you don't have flat screen TVs and real entertainment.

The tone of this date is interesting - it feels like Constantine is the bachelor and Ashley is trying to impress him. He seems very skeptical of her and not that interested. This hasn't happened before, even when the bachelorette was that awful, awful Jillian.

Also, with the impending Emily interview cutting into the 2nd hour, you can feel that all the crappy padding that's usually in here has been removed. We are witnessing how much better this show would be if it were an hour.

The second one on one is with Ben F. I forgot that Ben is the guy who claims he is a "winemaker". That's funny cause last night I was trying to decide between the Coppola Merlot, or the Ben F. Cabernet SauFull of Shit.

They go for a scooter ride. It looks like a scene from Dumb and Dumber, with Ashley's bangs being just as terrible as Lloyd Christmas'.

They have dinner, and Ben tells us that he's in love but waiting to tell Ashley "when the time is right". Ashley comments on the wine, and Ben snobs it up. Nothing like getting lectured about fermenting from a glorified secretary who picked a grape once.

Ben goes on a long thing about how right everything feels, and Ashley just nods with a blank look on her face. She couldn't look less interested. Maybe she's thinking, "why am I on another date with Constantine?"

They seal it with an extremely long peck. I kiss my mom more passionately than that.

And whoa! Ashley says she "might be falling in love with Ben". Really? I don't see that at all.

The next morning, the guys back at the hotel realize that Ben has not come home. He spent the night with Ashley...and JP is pissed! Go with that feeling, JP.

Group date - JP, Ames, and Lucas. They are going to take wedding photos with Ashley. They have to put on traditional Taiwanese outfits of some kind, and Lucas comes out in a kimono. Ames comes out in a very gay suit, which JP describes as being a cross between Elton John...and well, that's all you need to know. Elton John. I love how the producers are totally trying to make Ames even gayer.

Poor JP. He thought the show was over last episode, not realizing that there's a TV show to produce here. He doesn't like sharing her...which is interesting because he went on a show where the whole point is to share her.

Lucas gets alone time. It's hard to get a read on this guy, but when he's alone with Ashley he knows what to say. I guess he just looks awkward and old.

Ames gets alone time, and it appears that he is wearing pink pants. We can't blame anyone else for that, he picked those out on his own.

JP is starting to lose it. Only someone that really liked Ashley could act like this. I guess that's the good news and the bad news.

To ease his fears, Ashley gives him the rose. Calm the fuck down, JP, you're locked in. At the end of the day, Ashley is just looking for someone who she'll actually believe really likes her.

Ryan gets the final one on one date, and he is pumped because it's his first one on one, and also because he gets pumped about everything. Ashley tells us all the things that make Ryan so wonderful, and then drops "but is there a connection there?" No, there isn't.

Ryan, while looking like Don Johnson circa 1984, tells us about how he yearns.

Ashley hates Ryan.

She's like Phoebe on "Friends", when Phoebe went out with the crazy energy/positivity Alec Baldwin character, and realizes that he's the worst. Ryan even says, "I feel like I'm on cloud 10". Cloud 10! That's one more than 9!

Quick quiz: Who said the following thing, Alec Baldwin on Friends or Ryan?

"I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person."

The answer? Well it's a trick question, cause they both said it.

Finally, Ashley cannot take his positive shit anymore, and dumps him right there. Sorry pal, you don't even get the dignity of a rose ceremony. She cries, he looks like he's gonna cry. He is genuinely stunned, it's an amazing reaction. "How can anyone not want to meet my family?!"

Maybe you would've seen it coming if you weren't talking about water heaters for a half hour.

Ryan can't even get through his exit interview and has to walk away to weep and curse. Hey man, at least you have perfect hair.

Sort of feels like Ryan is acting. No one can be this God damn lame.

They make Ryan stand on the sidewalk in front of a giant heart and hail a cab. Sorry you just got your heart ripped out, but we really need this shot.

Back at the hotel, Chris tells the guys there will be no cocktail party because Ashley has made her decision. I wish Chris would've fucked with them and said "Bentley is in Taiwan..." They would've lost their minds.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Holy crap, there's a creepy shot of Ashley walking on a bridge behind the guys as they wait to get roses. That might've been the strangest camera shot in Bachelor history!

CONSTANTINE - that's a bit of a shocker. Things aren't looking good for Lucas, all of the sudden.

BEN - She picks Constantine and then Ben? That's just like Marcus and Markieff Morris going back to back in the NBA draft

Lucas or Ames? It has to be Lucas.

AMES - well, this isn't the first time Ames as gotten lucky in Asia

And I was just coming around on Lucas, shows how much I know. Then again, Ashley always does the opposite of what is right.

Ashley: "I didn't know there'd be this much pressure!" Um, you did this show already. If anyone should know it's you, retard.

Prediction: JP vs. Ben at the end, with Ryan coming back and wanting another chance even though she hates him.

That's the end of the real show. Now it's time for...

THE INTERVIEW WITH EMILY

I'm not gonna go through all of this, but I guess they're trying to repeat the success they had with the Jake/Vienna showdown. Only one problem: Brad isn't here. The reason? Well, this show never helps him in anyway.

Emily is immediately crying for no reason. I do not trust this woman.

Oh, fuck me, now Emily is using "dot dot dot"! Ashley is ruining everything. She's a menace.

Emily says they've broken up, and is completely vague about the whole thing. We get no answers. Though it appears Emily has aged about 5 years since we last saw her.

Maybe they're just trying to keep her on our radar for the next Bachelorette, because that would be a win win for all of us.

Next week: hometown visits, and we find someone who looks more alike than Ben and Constantine, and that's Ben and his mom. If you switch their hair you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Goodnight.

Read More

One More Casey Anthony Post

I have been very amused by all of the comments under my Casey Anthony post. I had no idea that would spark such passionate debate, since it seems so clear that she's obviously guilty (of something, at least).

But getting back to what I originally wrote, I saw this article today online which addresses my question.

Apparently, states are now considering "Caylee's Law", which would make it a felony not to report a toddler missing.

This is what I was saying!

I can't believe that's not against the law already. If you're a parent, and your kid goes missing you shouldn't be able to just say "ah, fuck'em".

So anyway, I'm glad we got that settled after a murderer was set free.

Oh, and I don't know if I'm on board with Casey as the next Bachelorette (as someone suggested), but it would make for better TV than Ashley.

Read More

The Characters in the Writer's Room

Right after college, I moved out to Los Angeles. I had 6 months until film school started, so my plan was to get as many internships as I could, and I got 3. One was on Mondays and Wednesdays, and another was on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

My cousin was a Production Assistant on "Dharma and Greg" (yes, I'm aware of how old I am), and he got me an internship there for Fridays.

This is when I first heard the legend of "the writer's room".

The way my cousin would talk about the writer's room at "Dharma and Greg" gave it a very cool mystique. He probably felt that way because they wouldn't let him in there. He just wanted to be close to the writing process (as most PA's do), but Chuck Lorre is a huge dick and wouldn't let him.

SIDE NOTE: My first day interning there, I was sitting in the kitchen. Chuck Lorre comes walking by, talking to three different people. They're having this whole conversation, and Chuck stops in the middle of it, looks at me for a split second, then looks back to them, and goes: "Who the fuck is this guy?!"

For the record, I didn't know who the fuck Chuck Lorre was either, but let's move on...

So anyway, this writer's room seemed like the place to be. But it was so far away from my situation that I didn't really think of it. And I haven't really thought of it since, probably because I was very lucky in getting a job where I was just in there, working. I never had that job as a PA on a sitcom, hoping for a chance to be let in.

But I imagine when you're not in there, it seems like a big deal.

It's an interesting place because when it comes down to it, there is something very awkward about a group of people tossing out jokes that 90% of the time are bad, and other people have to tell that person that they are bad. It's uncomfortable.

Every room has their own way of dealing with shitty jokes. Usually there's someone who is blunt and will say something like "wow, that was awful" and everyone laughs and it's fine. Or the offending party, responding to the lack of laughs, will say something self deprecating that is funny, and the search for the right joke continues.

People say to me "you're job must be so much fun, you just sit in a room all day and tell jokes and laugh!" I guess there is some of that, but there are also a lot of unfunny things going on. It's a job like anything else, but occasionally I have to see people get murdered on the internet and make fun of them.

I've been in writer's rooms for many different shows, and there are always certain "types" of people in there. Not everyone fits perfectly into these types, many are a combination of some or all.

Let's go through them:


THE SILENT BUT DEADLY

The silent but deadly writer is the one who doesn't talk that much, but when they do, it's usually gold. You start wondering if that person is ever going to contribute, and then they finally speak up and have the funniest line of the day that makes the room crack up.

This is a good thing, but it's also a bad thing. Because sometimes a healthy part of the process is just talking things out, or saying a completely bad idea that other people in the room can turn into a good idea. Talking things out is important, and the quiet person can lead to nothing happening.

However, I'd rather have no talking than...


THE REPITCHER

This is the person who thinks every idea they have is gold, and no matter how many times it gets rejected, they keep pitching it thinking that this time will be the time we all think it's genius. It never is.

There is a certain amount of repitching that needs to happen - sometimes a good idea was forgotten about and needs to be brought up again, or something in the news comes up that makes an old idea relevant again.

But for the most part, repitching is annoying and it needs to stop.


THE RACIST

Every good comedy show needs a good racist. Well, not an actual racist. But I think everywhere I've worked there's been a person who loved pushing the envelope on racial humor. And you need that. Because people love racist jokes.

For the record, the only writers I've worked with who were real racists were Mexicans. Dirty, dirty Mexicans.


THE NON-COMEDY NIT PICKER

This is the person who only has negative things to say, usually about everything other than the jokes, and offers no solutions. Don't tell me what's wrong if you don't have the fix. Otherwise, you're just creating problems for the rest of us.

Often their "notes" have to do with grammar and other non comedy related bullshit. The object is to make things funnier, not worry about ending sentences with a prepositional phrase.

There is something valuable to making sure we don't come across stupid, and you have to correct mistakes, but that shouldn't be ALL you do. So if you're fixing punctuation, you also better be coming with strong jokes.


THE FILTHY FEMALE CHAUVINIST

You know that joke that was really misogynist or the one that included the words "smelly pussy"? Yeah, a girl wrote that.


THE JOKE MACHINE

There are mutants in this world who I like to call joke machines. They can spit out jokes relentlessly and endlessly. It's an amazing skill, and not that many people have it. And it's great to have one on every show. More than one? No, one is more than enough. Because you know what? Sometimes it's enough with all the jokes.

It's like they were born without a soul or something. They can just pitch, and no matter how many times they are rejected, they will keep pitching and never stop. In theory, this is how all comedy writers are supposed to be. Unfortunately, most of us were born with hearts.

The downside is that there is a point where the jokes need to stop and we need to have things make sense. Also, their pitches can lend themselves to being impossible to do production wise. "What if Tom Cruise lands in a spaceship and says watchya talkin' Willis?" Well yeah, that would be funny, but I don't think we're gonna be able to get a space ship much less Todd Bridges.


THE WRITER'S ASSISTANT WHO THINKS HE SHOULD BE A WRITER AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S NOT BUT CONFIRMS WHY HE ISN'T EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH

I think this is pretty self explanatory, but there's always a writer's assistant in the room taking notes. They are allowed to occasionally pitch something. But they should be like the silent but deadly writer - only talk when you have something you know is great.


THE CERTIFIED LOON

Every writer has doubts about his or her ability. Sometimes you wonder if you belong. Are you really that funny? But then you look around at the others and realize that you do belong and you are funny. And then you meet him (or her):

The certified loon.

The writer who makes you realize you are not funny at all, and there is a completely different level that you are not on.

The loon is a psychopath of comedy. They are not normal. Everything they do and say is hilarious. Every idea they have is better than any idea you have. If you're lucky enough to work with one, don't feel bad about yourself, just sit back and enjoy.

However, mere mortals do have certain advantages over the loon. Loons are not organized, they do not show up on time, they don't know how to talk to the talent without freaking them out, they don't know how to produce things, and they don't bathe properly.

For example, I worked with one once. And the show made the mistake of making him the head writer. Well, he was certainly funny enough to be the head writer, but he could not run a show. He could not be in charge. To even put him in charge would be a waste of his powers. You don't want the loon haing non-joke responsibilities, you just want him writing jokes.

They come in and hit homeruns for your show, and you do everything else.


THE DECISION MAKER

Every room has to have a person who makes the final decisions. All of the writers will pitch jokes, and everyone will have an opinion about which line works best. Sometimes there is a consensus, but many other times, multiple lines will be as good as others, and someone just has to pick one. That's where the decision maker comes in.

On some shows, it's the head writer. On others, it's the host/star. But hopefully that person knows what they are doing, and has the respect of the room. Otherwise, you're probably working on Chelsea Handler.

Read More

Can Someone Please Answer This?

I haven't been paying attention to this Casey Anthony trial until...well, today (I tweeted a joke right after the verdict was read, 45 minutes later the head writer of Letterman tweeted almost the exact same joke. He got retweeted 200 times, I got retweeted once. Thanks, assholes!), but I am very confused by this case.

So here's my main question, and if anyone knows the answer, I want to hear it.

Okay, let's say I have a kid. I'm a single dad with a 3 year old. His names is Irwin Jr. One night, I tuck little Irwin into bed and say good night.

The next morning I wake up and he's gone. Just missing. So what do I do? Well, I enjoy my breakfast and the peace and quiet, that's what I do! That little bastard never stopped yapping, good riddance. Plus, I start planning for the local booty shaking contest because this ass gets cash.

I go to work, and go about my day like nothing happened. I'm sure Jr. is fine, 3 year olds need their personal space, after all.

And this goes on, and I never see if he's all right or call the police or do anything. 6 months later, they find Jr. dead. It turns out he big wheeled down to the red light district, did some meth, fucked a whore, caught an extremely fast moving strain of AIDS, and died.

Here's the question: didn't I commit a crime of some kind? Sure, I didn't give him AIDS. But he's a 3 year old! Don't I have some responsibility to take care of this kid, no matter how much he loves AIDS infested whores?

It just feels like this lady, regardless of what actually killed her daughter, at the very least did something very wrong by not calling the cops when the kid went missing.

Right?

Read More