Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 9

Fantasy suite episode. That's right, Ashley's gonna have sex 3 times with 3 different guys in 3 days. Normally, that's skanky behavior, but if there are cameras and Chris Harrison around it's called "romance".

We're in Fiji. According to Ashley, it's a tropical paradise, and "every vacation goers dream". Not Ames. He's knee deep in prepubescent penis over in Thailand right now and you couldn't drag him to Fiji.

We are down to Constantine, the other guy who looks like Constantine, and JP. It seems pretty obvious who stands out in this equation. The question tonight is which of the long haired dirty hippies gets sent home. My guess is Constantine. Why? Because he's not worshipping Ashley enough to suit her insecure needs.

And just as I predicted...Ryan shows up! I've been telling everyone my theory about this, and lo and behold, it has come true. Watching 17 seasons of The Bachelor finally pays off.

Ryan tells us that they had a connection, and what if Ashley regrets her decision? Uh, she doesn't. She was pretty clear that she had no interest in you.

Let me interject here and say that the only reason this is happening is because they know this season is a dud. There's no other explanation. Nothing special was going on with these two. It's for drama sake only, and it's a pathetic attempt at that.

As Ryan pleads his case, Ashley looks at him in the same way that America is looking at him right now: like he's a complete fucking psychopath.

Ryan says "don't feel you have to respond right away". Why? Because an immediate "no" is too obvious? He gives her his address where he's staying in Fiji, yeah, just follow the TV cameras.

First date is with Ben. They go on a boat and drink out of pineapples. Cause what else do you do in Fiji?

This was discussed in the comments, but I really, really don't see any of these guys being The Bachelor. There is no one who is compelling here. And they're not good looking. Then again, the same can be said of Ashley and yet here we are.

Ben says he "saw my life with Ashley flash before my eyes", that must be why he's sleeping.

Later that night, they have dinner. Ben wears a giant white V neck that makes him look like a cross between a bull fighter and a gay bull fighter.

God damn Ben is boring as shit. He talks really slowly and quietly. And he has no personality whatsoever. If he's not talking about how things are "progressing", he's talking about his dumb fake winery. He's got nothing else.

At long last, Ashley gives Ben the fantasy suite card. My fantasy right now is to change the channel.

Ben carries Ashley from the pool to the bed, and we have to assume, gives her a good flossing, if you know what I mean.

The next day, she meets up with Ben's doppelganger, Constantine. He talks about how he needs a hair cut so bad because he has "a mullet". Uh, your hair looks exactly as it did on day 1. Maybe he's trying to keep looking exactly like Ben.

Bachelor Copter!!! Huge lack of the copter this season, glad to see it's back. But I'm not half as excited as Constantine is. He celebrates. If only he liked Ashley as much as he liked air travel.

Oh jeez, Constantine just told Ashley "you're crushing my bucket list". Why would anyone have dating an annoying dentist on their bucket list?

Holy shit! The funniest thing just happened. Maybe this Ryan thing wasn't a bad plan by the producers after all. Because as Ashley and Constantine fly in the helicopter, they pan down to the beach below and Ryan is standing there all alone looking up at them! That was amazing. And gay.

Constantine is not a good looking guy, and he's gonna get fat. Or should I say, fatter.

How can a girl go out with Brad and then go out with these guys? It's like driving a Ferrari and then buying a Toyota Yaris.

Ashley gives Constantine a really hard time for thinking things through when he makes decisions. Yeah, what a jerk.

Constantine's lack of emotion is making Ashley even more paranoid about herself. Keep in mind though, dear, that Bentley showed you tons of emotion.

She's doing everything she can to try and get Constantine to confess his love for her, and he's giving her nothing. Now he's basically saying he's not that into it. We might be looking at a non fantasy suite date here, people. That rarely happens.

Constantine says that he knew if he got to the fantasy suite stage and he wasn't in love, he wouldn't accept it. He respects her too much.

And THEN HE DUMPS HER!!!

Oh man, that just happened. Just when I thought Ashley couldn't be humiliated any more, Constantine comes along and totally makes it worse! Do you realize what he just said? It was essentially this:

I would rather get on a plane for 17 hours then fuck you right now.

Where will we find another guy to replace Constantine at this late hour in Fiji of all places?

Wait, back up. I need to comment on this insanity. Ashley started with 25 guys. The one she liked the most, hated her guts. Brutalized her for multiple episodes on national TV before finally leaving the show. And then, a guy she kept until the final 3, also had absolutely no interest in her. So out of the 4 guys she liked the most, 2 rejected her. And she's the Bachelorette. Okay.

Ashley does the walk of shame to Ryan's hotel. Ryan says "I just don't know what your mind set is". Yes you do! She told you. She kept the dude who had no interest in her over you. She kept the guy who was even gayer than you over you! How much more spelled out do you need it?

Ashley gives Ryan the exact same speech she gave him before. She didn't feel the passion. Yeah, I heard you the first time. Too bad he didn't.

JP time. This is kinda like securing a playoff spot but still having to play your last regular season game. There's nothing on the line, but you just try to get through it with no injuries.

They get on a plane. And basically do the exact same thing she did with Constantine. You see? Not a lot going on in Fiji.

If they cut to a shot of Ryan looking up at their plane while he weeps on the beach, I will lose my mind.

Poor JP. He's like a pathetic little puppy dog. What in the hell did that last girlfriend do to him?

Whoa, Ashley has sunburned boobies. Well, what little boobies she has.

Ashley lies and tells JP that she "said goodbye to 2 guys yesterday". And about Constantine: "we decided" there wasn't anything between us. Really? We decided? I remember the time we decided to get attacked on 9/11.

While she tells him this, there's a giant bug on top of JP's head. Or it might be a leaf. Either way, it's distracting.

They go to the fantasy suite, and Ashley gives him a root canal, if you know what I mean.

Ashley tells Chris that she's still gonna have the rose ceremony, because she's realizing that it's a 2 way street and the guys have to also like her. You're just realizing this? After multiple guys have bailed on you? I guess anyone can be a dentist.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY.

This seems a bit anticlimactic, but it is tradition:

BEN

JP

Duh.

And that's it. This is brutal. It's so maddening because we all knew Ashley as the Bachelorette was a bad decision. There were so many better choices, I just don't get it.

NEXT SUNDAY: The Bachelor's tell all. Not sure why it's on Sunday. But Bentley will be there, so that should be interesting. Luckily, this means we get this season over with next week.

Ben or JP? JP. But...

Ryan will come back to make sure that Ashley is still sure about her decision. You know, just in case she regretted getting rid of him twice. And then he will walk the beach with his thoughts.