I noticed I was getting a lot of hits on the blog today, so I went to investigate. It turns out, lots of people were finding me by googling "bachelorette ames gay". What we call gay Ashley calls "unique".
But for some reason people were also searching "bachelorette ashley scientology". Not sure what that's all about. Well, she is going out with a gay guy, that is Scientologist behavior.
Home visits.
First up, Ashley heads to Cumming, Georgia to meet Constantine's family. Oh, that would've been so much better if Ames was from Cumming for some reason.
Constantine is stunned that he's "made it this far". He's proving to have even less self esteem than Ashley, which is no small feat. He's Greek, but his family owns an Italian restaurant, because "it's a business". From my experience, the only people who work at Greek restaurants are Mexicans, but that might just be LA.
Are all Greek families a stereotype? If you swapped out Constantine's family for Blinky DeAnna's, no one would know the difference. It's all the same poopa's to me.
You could fit 3 Ashley's into one of Constantine's mom. She's not even really fat, she's just a large, large woman. "I got my dad's good looks, and my mother's beefiness".
Constantine's parents are about as enthusiastic about Ashley as Bentley is.
Ha! Just as I write that DeAnna thing, all of Constantine's Greek relatives show up as a "surprise" - which is the exact same thing that happened during DeAnna's home visit. I think this is the official sign that I need to stop watching this show. Another sign: I'm a 35 year old heterosexual male.
And they do the stupid Greek dance, and there's the same old lady there clapping along. This just proves that we only need one Greek family in America. We should legally be allowed to murder Nia Vardalos.
Next up, we head to Pennsylvania to meet Ames and his emotionally unavailable family. And Ames immediately busts out the gayest trot ever. I hope to read that someone searched "ames gay trot".
Ashley struggles to defend Ames to Ames' sister. "He's just different...in a good way". His sister: "he gets excited to plan these mysterious dates..." You mean like all those mysterious trips to Thailand alone?
His sister: "it's very hard to find a fault in the guy, he's always in shape". Oh Lord.
Ashley says that Ames is the perfect guy but she's missing that romance, that spark. That's the same thing she said about Ryan. Those two guys seem to have a lot in common.
The word "spark" is used a lot in the Ames household.
I don't think I'm hating on the gays here, I'm not intending to, but it really bothers/saddens me when people are obviously gay and feel like they can't come out of the closet. I don't know what I would do if I had a family member that was gay, but I hope that I would go to them and be like "it's cool! Come out, everyone knows already, it's all good. And also, don't go on a reality TV dating show where the goal is get married to a woman".
It's just uncomfortable to watch everyone pretend.
Oh no! Awkward kiss alert. Poor Ames. He can't even bring himself to open his mouth for her, probably fearing that some puke would shoot out.
And finally, we get to leave that throne of lies, and go to Sonoma, Ca and Ben's family. Sonoma? I wonder if Detective Linden finally made it there.
Shit, we have to hear more about how Ben's a winemaker. That's high class talk for "unemployed".
Ashley and Ben together serves as a stark contrast to what we just saw with Ames. They are clearly interested in a man/woman sexual way, and kiss very naturally like they actually enjoy the opposite sex.
Ben says "super" a lot.
Sorry guys, there is nothing good about this episode. I got nothing. But the lack of action is allowing me to eat a delicious ice cream sandwich right now.
Ben and his mom have identical faces. It's spooky. She could be Constantine's mom.
It sounds like his sister runs his life. She signed him up for the show, and has hated every girl he's ever gone out with. Fun! I think she and Ben have a similar relationship as Angelina Jolie and her brother.
These 2 Ben hometown segments might be the worst 20 minutes...in Bachelor history.
The last hometown is with JP in New York. Uh, just a wild guess: they are not showing these dates in the order they actually happened. That would be a waste of the ol' travel budget. I'm guessing it went JP first, then Ames, then Constantine, and then Ben. These are the things I have to think about when the show is giving me jack shit.
They go rollerskating to the sounds of "Can't Fight this Feeling" by REO Speedwagon and make out like they're in 7th grade. Well, Ashley does have the body of a 7th grader.
Every guy has stated how many girls they've taken home to meet their parents. Is that a thing? I think my number is zero. I mean, they eventually meet, but there's no formal bringing home of the girl.
JP always alludes to a disastrous relationship before Ashley, but we never get specifics. I'm guessing he was cheated on, and now Ashley seems like a good idea to him.
Ashley's chin is really red for some reason. It might be because of rubbing on JP's stubble, or maybe Ames passed on some strange chin disease he picked up from a 12 year old in Thailand.
JP doesn't seem Jewish, but every one in his family looks like they came straight out of Fiddler on the Roof.
JP to his mom: "What's to stop me from proposing now as to 3 months from now?" Uh, every other bachelor from every other season? That should stop you.
JP's mom pulls out a picture of a 13 year old JP at his Barmitzvah. He looks like a cross between Joseph Gordon Levitt, Doogie Howswer, and a guy with hair.
A commercial for Bachelor Pad! It's the greatest love triangle in Bachelor pad history: Jake/Vienna/Frog Voice. That is officially the most interesting thing that has happened on this show tonight.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Ames has to be gone.
BEN - Ben got a haircut for the occasion, I presume his sister gave it to him in a sexual tension filled way, much like Kyra Sedgwick cut John Travolta's hair in the movie "Phenomenon".
CONSTANTINE - not a lot of suspense there.
Ames acts stunned. Sorry buddy, but here's the good news: she was a woman. And Thailand is still out there, beckoning to you with little boy sirens singing irresistible Lady Gaga songs.
Next week: Fiji, and fantasy suites. Although with Ashley they are more like sad reality suites.
Goodnight.
Monday, 18 July 2011
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