All Foreign Looking Hot Girls Look the Same

I was watching Hawaii Five-O and I recognized an actress I see in everything. She's been on Dawson's Creek, Friends, Seinfeld, Casino Royale, and Rules of Engagement. I know her as Bianca Khajlich, and she got some attention this summer because she's also the on again, off again wife of Landon Donovan (a soccer player).

I was thinking that this girl must have an incredible IMDB page because she's constantly popping up on TV. So I went to look her up, and quickly discovered the girl I was watching was not Bianca Khajlich. In fact, I had been confusing her with this other girl for the last 5 years.

But I cannot blame myself, because these two are identical twins.

This is Bianca Khajlich:


She's been on:

Rules of Engagement
Dawson's Creek
Bring It On
Boston Public

And this is Ivana Milicevic



She's been on:

Chuck
Casino Royale
Seinfeld
Friends
Felicity

I'm glad I cleared that up for myself, but I still can't tell the difference.

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Every Scripted TV Show On the Broadcast Networks Right Now

I did this as an exercise to get a better idea of what is on Network TV. Out of all the pitches, scripts, and pilots, this is what has survived to be on the air. I excluded animated shows because those are dumb.

ONE HOURS

HAWAII 5-0 – a special police team arrests people with large machine guns in Hawaii every week

THE DEFENDERS – sleazy, bloated lawyers in Las Vegas

CSI – Crime scene investigators in Las Vegas

CSI NY - Crime scene investigators in New York

CSI MIAMI - Crime scene investigators in Miami

BONES – CSI using bones

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – housewives who are desperate to stay young

GREY’S ANATOMY – good looking doctors except for the asian one

THE EVENT – aliens are here

THE CHASE – procedural about US marshals that doesn’t star Timothy Olyphant

MY GENERATION - fake version of high school reunion

LAW AND ORDER: SVU - law and order with rapists

LAW AND ORDER: LOS ANGELES - law and order with Skeet Ulrich

NCIS - law and order with the navy

NCIS LOS ANGELES - law and order with Chris O'Donnell

DETROIT 1-8-7 – “NYPD Blue” in Detroit

HOUSE – a wacky doctor who solves medical cases by being a dick

GLEE – the Glee club at a wacky high school

UNDERCOVERS – a husband and wife are both spies and black

CRIMINAL MINDS – FBI profilers figure out criminal’s minds

THE MENTALIST – a guy can read normal people's minds

MEDIUM – “the Mentalist” but with an uglier dude

PRIVATE PRACTICE – doctors at a private practice

SUPERNATURAL – “the x files” without a girl

FRINGE – “the x files” with pacey

BLUE BLOODS – a NY police commissioner juggles work and his dumb kids

SMALLVILLE – Superman before all the cool stuff started happening

NO ORDINARY FAMILY – "the incredibles"

THE HUMAN TARGET – a security expert/bodyguard who helps people in danger

OUTLAW – Jimmy Smits wants more power to change things, so he quits the Supreme Court to become a lawyer

BROTHERS AND SISTERS – a large, wacky family

PARENTHOOD – large, wacky family

CHUCK – a good looking "shlub" gets implanted with a bunch of important spy info

CASTLE – a wacky novelist helps out a detective

THE GOOD WIFE – politician goes to jail so his wife has to do something with her life

ONE TREE HILL – "days of our lives" at night

GOSSIP GIRL – good looking gay people gossiping

VAMPIRE DIARIES – good looking vampires gossiping


HALF HOUR

MIKE AND MOLLY – fat romantic comedy

BETTER WITH YOU – “friends” with couples

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT - "friends" with couples

THE OFFICE – a fake documentary about a fake office

MODERN FAMILY – a fake documentary about a fake, wacky family

OUTSOURCED – American has to go to India to prove stereotypes are all true

TWO AND A HALF MEN – divorced guy with son has to live with his hooker loving, coke snorting brother

BIG BANG THEORY – 2 dorks live next to a hot girl

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – “friends”

COMMUNITY – “friends” at a community college

COUGAR TOWN – older ladies complain about stuff

THE MIDDLE – an average family in average America with a mom who has had an extreme makeover

SHIT MY DAD SAYS – loser, twitter loving son moves in with his wacky dad

RAISING HOPE – young kid and his wacky family have to raise a baby

RUNNING WILDE – rich, wacky asshole falls in love with a poor, wacky environmentalist

30 ROCK – behind the scenes of a sketch show that never does sketches or a show

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I Might Be Developing Into a Great Actor

Wednesday night, 10:30pm, Comedy Central = the season 2 finale of Tosh.0.

We did 25 episodes this year. That's a lot. That means we did tons of stupid things, and I played many memorable bit parts. Like the time I was in the background of that one shot, or when I held the gasoline to burn the Kindle, or when you could see the back my head getting electrocuted. Where you at, James Lipton?

But in this final episode, I have dialogue! Look for me near the beginning of the show helping Daniel manage his money. I came through with not only impressive miming skills, but also a huge ad lib. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but much like Matt Damon, it might be time for me to never write again and just focus on acting.

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Lone Star Cancelled

It's hard to get mad at the networks for producing crappy shows, when they produce a good one and nobody watches. In a related story, "Blue Bloods" is a huge hit and Jim Belushi is still on TV.

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Or Is It Chad?!!!

The Bachelor Is Really Bringing Brad Womack Back
Today 7:39 PM PDT by NATALIE FINN

Brad Womack is ready to try to settle down again.

As we previously reported, the indecisive—or heroic, depending on how you look at it—main man from The Bachelor's 11th season will indeed get a second shot at love on the resurgent ABC series' upcoming 15th season.

According to ABC, which confirmed the news Monday, Womack has undergone "intensive therapy" and has been on a "quite painful journey of self-awareness" since he failed to pop the question to either Jenni Croft or DeAnna Pappas back in 2007.

And he's admitting that he had "commitment issues" back in the day.

"More importantly, that [Bachelor] process is difficult," Womack said in an interview airing tomorrow on Ellen. "I thought that I was as open as I was supposed to be and clearly I wasn't. I walked away and wound up all alone and left two girls standing there."

So why come back for more?

"Because I believe it can work," the roguishly handsome 37-year-old replied. "I don't care if people call me an idiot or don't believe those words coming out of my mouth. I truly believe that it can work. So here are 25 to 30 women that I never, ever would meet in regular life, and I'm clearly doing something wrong. I'm still single. So why not? I really do believe that this can work."

He also said that, if he ends up in the same predicament as last time, he wouldn't hesitate to walk away again.

Not that he's going to worry about it now.

"Again, I take this very seriously," he assured Ellen DeGeneres. "I know it's tough to believe it's a television show but...I am a completely different person. I don't want to visit that thought."

What do you think of The Bachelor rerun? Isn't Brad pretty much going to have to propose to someone to avoid being tarred and feathered in the public square

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Yes, I Saw It

My email inbox was flooded this morning. Not by people wishing me a good morning, or a hearty congratulations on a hilarious season, but to inform me about this:

SEGWAY OWNER RIDES SEGWAY OFF CLIFF AND DIES

No, not a guy who owns a Segway - the guy who owns the Segway company! Insane:

Multi-millionaire Jimi Heselden, the owner of Segway Inc. since December 2009, has died after reportedly driving a Segway scooter off a cliff and into a river.

The fatal accident allegedly occurred at Heselden's West Yorkshire estate, according to the Daily Mail. He was "using one of the machines--which use gyroscopes to remain upright and are controlled by the direction in which the rider leans--to inspect the grounds of his property," writes the Daily Mail. "A spokesman for West Yorkshire Police said today: 'Police were called at 11.40am yesterday to reports of a man in the River Wharfe, apparently having fallen from the cliffs above.'"

Police told the Telegraph that a "Segway-style vehicle" was recovered at the scene of the accident.

Everyone who informed me of this was worried about my personal Segway crusade. And yes, I'll admit, this does not help matters. It would be like the owner of Jamba Juice dying of brain freeze.

But I will not be deterred. If anything, I will be even more passionate, because this at least proves that you don't need to wear a stupid helmet. Wearing a helmet on a Segway when falling off a cliff is like wearing a seatbelt on a plane. You're fucked regardless.

So I will still drink Berry Lime Sublimes and ride Segways. I will just avoid cliffs.

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See Me Get Electrocuted Tonight at 10:30pm

You can't see it that well during the video, but when it comes back to Daniel in the studio there's a still shot of me. And if you're wondering if it really hurt that bad, just look at the expression on my face, I think it says it all...

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This Is What Happens to Me

Easily the worst thing about being a small fish writer is writing things for free and then finding out that a giant studio is already doing the exact same idea. This happens all the time.

So now I live my life like the fugitive Dr. Richard Kimble - constantly looking over my shoulder, completely paranoid that this is the day the One Armed Man comes up with my "Identical Twins" pitch.

I wrote a script that some people "loved". This got me some meetings. Everywhere I went, they told me how much they loved what I wrote, but that particular show wasn't for them.

I had a great meeting at the USA network. They told me exactly what they do, how they do it, and what they were looking for. You can't ask for more than that.

I took this information and went home and came up with an idea. I fleshed it out, then fleshed it out some more. I came up with characters, stories, the whole thing. I sent it to my agent, he loved it, said it was perfect.

Excitement was high.

And then, I went to deadline.com and there was a post about some green lit pilots:


"Written by Annie Brunner and to be directed by Dean Parisot, Against the Wall is a family drama set in Chicago following policewoman Abby Kowalski (Carpani), who causes a rift with her three cop brothers when she decides to join the department’s Internal Affairs division. Universal Cable Prods. is producing."


That's my show.

And that's when I say "I didn't kill my wife!" and Hollywood goes "I don't care".

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So Bummed...

"Lone Star" was the lowest rated show by far last night. It's the best pilot of the lot, you jerks. Watch it!

Now I don't know if I even want to watch it because of the heart break that is soon to come via cancellation. Brutal.

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Went to a Wedding This Weekend

I got seated next to a 35 year old balding man with glasses. He was George Costanza bald, but shaved the sides down pretty close so he was almost a cue ball up top. We went to the bar together to get a drink. He got carded, I didn't...

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Giant Head, Tiny Body

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2010 Fall TV Preview, Part II

THE 5 NEW SHOWS I WILL BE WATCHING

First, "BOARDWALK EMPIRE" on HBO. I am very excited about this show. I'm talking "The Town" level excited. I saw a preview for it like 6 months ago and thought it was about to come out, but then just stupid "Treme" came on. So it's been a long wait.

I like Steve Buscemi, but this some strange casting. He's a prime example of my "Costanza Theory", so it will be interesting if he can hold up as a lead. But from everything I've heard, this show starts slow and then comes on strong. High hopes.

"LONE STAR" on Fox. I heard nothing about this show during pilot season, and then a few months later I read a random article about it. It sounded awesome but since I hadn't heard anything I assumed that it must suck or be done by people who suck.

But no. The guy who wrote it also wrote one of the best unproduced screenplays of the year - which, unfortunately for him, finally did get produced and stars...Mel Gibson. Whoops.

Off of the strength of that script, Fox brought him in and he pitched them this show, about a Texas con man with two wives. And then they got Marc Webb, the guy who is directing the next "Spider Man" to direct it.

I got an advanced copy of the pilot and it's great. I'm in, and already in love with one of his wives (the one that isn't Tyra from Friday Night Lights).

"HAWAII 5-O"??? on NBC. I have no desire to watch this show, but everyone keeps saying it's one of the best shows. So I guess I have to. I don't know if I can handle Jin speaking perfect english. But I do like Scott Caan playing a prick, because he is a prick. I will be giving this a test run, we'll see...

"THE EVENT" NBC. I read the pilot script, it is good. Plus, Blair Underwood is a go to black guy. This is my "Flash Forward" of this season, let's hope it doesn't turn out as awful.

"BETTER WITH YOU" ABC. There is only one reason to watch this show: my friend Jamathew is writing for it. Also, it has JoAnna Garcia, who is cute and good. It's being run by a lot of the people who did "Friends", so there's that too. Watch it.


3 NEW SHOWS I WILL NOT BE WATCHING

"RUNNING WILDE" on Fox. This is a comedy starring Wil Arnett and Keri Russell. Seems tailor made for me. BUT, I read the pilot script and it is a piece of crap. It was written by Mitch Hurwitz, who I've written about before. This is the guy who did "Arrested Development", gotten a million pilots since, and not a single one has been good. I hope I'm wrong.

"UNDERCOVERS" on NBC. This is the big, JJ Abrams/married couple who are also spies show that everyone was hyping a couple months ago. Funny thing though, every clip I've seen has been terrible.

I want to like it. I like black people. I like spies. But hasn't this premise been done a thousand times? How do you have the nerve to pitch this idea at this point? "Oh you know Mr. and Mrs Smith?" "Yeah". "Well, it's exactly like that and 'True Lies'". Love it!

Plus, I don't think you can do a show like this every week. That's why every time they do this idea it's as a movie.

"THE DEFENDERS" on CBS. Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi. Let me say that again, Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi.

"SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA" TLC. Would be better if it starred Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi.


I'M ON THE FENCE

"MY GENERATION" on ABC. It's always bad to do shows that can/have been done better as reality shows. Very risky. But the preview for it looked kinda good.

"CHASE" on NBC. As a network, how do you roll out 2 different 1 hour dramas, that are both vague, and one is named "The Event" and the other is named "Chase"? Very confusing. I can do one, but two?

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2010 Fall TV Preview, Part I

Before we get to what I'm going to watch this season, I thought it would be interesting to see what I suggested last year. So that's what I'll do in Part I.

The first show I wrote about was "COMMUNITY". I started to watch it because of Joel McHale. And I stopped watching it because of Chevy Chase.

This is a seriously retarded show if you think about it for 2 seconds. It makes no sense. The whole NBC Thursday night comedy lineup exists in an insane cartoon world that I can't stand. I stopped watching this show after 3 or 4 episodes, but I heard it got better. I don't know if that's true, and I'm not giving it another chance.

Next up was "SHARK TANK". I've said it a million times, I love Shark Tank. It's awesome. I sit around all day and think of Shark Tank ideas.

However, America doesn't love it at all. But miraculously, it's been saved again. It will be coming back with new episodes. Unfortunately, Jeff Foxworthy will be joining the "sharks" for some reason. But still, Shark Tank with a red neck is better than no Shark Tank at all.

"MODERN FAMILY" - I stuck with it all season, and it is a funny show. Is it the funniest show on TV? Well I don't know about all that, but it is well done.

Here's one beef I have with it: the "mockumentary" thing. I thought we were done with this like 10 years ago, now it's the only way a half hour show can work.It's a crutch.

"COUGAR TOWN". Yikes. I'm embarrassed I was even hopeful about this last year. I stopped watching after episode 2, I just couldn't look at Courtney Cox's mouth anymore.

"MELROSE PLACE". Okay, in my defense, I said I would watch only because of Dr. Michael Mancini, and I stand by that. I stopped watching after I saw Ashlee Simpson.

"FLASH FORWARD". The typical big idea show with a strong start, and a sad finish. I'll be honest, I stuck with it the entire way. I don't care. I will defend this show to the death. It wasn't perfect, but occasionally it was really good. On a side note, I'm really glad I don't have to watch it anymore.

"GLEE". I really liked the pilot. The second episode was pretty good. And then the football team did a song and dance routine during a game and I was out. And I never got back in. Interestingly, that's right around the time the show blew up and became huge. So apparently, I know nothing.

Tomorrow, Part II, and I tell you what I don't know about a whole new slate of shows...

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Bachelor Pad Finale

It's down to the final six: Natalie/Dave, Kovacs/Lindsay Lohan's mom, and Kip-Ten. The first competition, which will guarantee the winner a spot in the final four, is ballroom dancing. That's what we in the business call synergy.

Lindsay Lohan's mom tells Kovacs that if their instructor is a woman, he has to keep the focus on her and not the instructor. I think even if it's a man, Kovacs is gonna pay more attention to him.

Kip-Ten's instructor is Chelsea Hightower, which causes Tenley to lose her mind. Uh, who the hell is that? Is she any relation to Hightower from the Police Academy films?

Kovacs and Elizabeth get Edyta as their instructor, and supposedly she is very hot. Kovacs goes on and on about how smoking she is. And she does indeed have a ridiculous body. Well, so much for that plan, Elizabeth. But I'm sure you have a much better personality.

Natalie says that her and Dave are used to these "sex" positions so it's gonna work out well. Can't argue with that. She's actually used to these sex positions with a large percentage of the population.

Every time they cut to Kovacs and Elizabeth training, Edyta is all up on Kovacs' shit. It's quite enjoyable. Especially because next to Edyta, Elizabeth looks extra disgusting and sad.

Chris announces the 3 judges for the dancing competition. One is stupid Melissa. The second is gross Jake. And as he enters, he does the 2 handed wave! We did a thing on the show where Daniel said "how come only gay guys are allowed to wave with 2 hands". Ha!

And the third judge is old, living boring ever after Trista. Because why get actual dancers to judge any of this.

Kip-Ten goes first, and they are pretty good, I guess. Then Elizabeth and Kovacs go, and they are awful. They forget what they're supposed to do, and basically make that Kate Gosselin lady look like Ciara. It's embarrassing. For some reason, the judges say nothing about how they totally sucked. It's weird.

Dave and Natalie suck too. Jake says it was good cause that's a "dang hard" dance. Know what's also dang hard? Your wiener when you're around dudes.

The scores come in, and Kip-Ten wins. Now they get to pick the couple they will compete against for the rest of the show. If they're smart, they'll pick Kovacs/Elizabeth, because Elizabeth has never won anything in her entire life.

I don't know who has a better body: Dave or Edyta.

The skin on Elizabeth's boobs looks like the skin on Robert Redford's face.

If you're attracted to Tenley, you probably are a pedophile.

Kip-Ten pick Dave and Natalie to stay because Dave has been so loyal. This causes Tenley to cry.

Elizabeth and Kovacs leave in separate limos, and I'm pretty sure he'll never see her again.

It's pretty amazing that Natalie is here, after starting off the show with Handsome Jesse, then switching over to Dave. And that's really the message of Bachelor Pad: have sex for money.

They all leave the mansion. And the rest of the show takes place months later in front of a live studio audience - including everyone who got kicked off. That's right, Captain Hairdo and the Weather Man are back! Partly sunny.

And guess what? Elizabeth has gone back to a somewhat normal hair color! Chris asks her and Kovacs if they're still together, and Elizabeth says hell no. "He's single, if anyone wants a player, go ahead!" More like, "if someone wants a guy who would go out with me, go ahead!"

It turns out, she actually watched the show and didn't take too kindly to Kovacs saying she was a psycho the entire time. Truth hurts, lady. I hate how they're pretending that Kovacs was ever really interested in her as anything more than a fuck buddy. He was pretty up front about his intentions the whole time.

In another shocker, Gia is no longer with her boyfriend. I really thought that was going to work out. So in a completely staged moment, Wes sticks his tongue down her throat. And I thought love didn't come easy.

The final four then walk out. Tenley announces that Kiptyn is her boyfriend. Dave and Natalie say it's a "long distance thing" but it's going great. Yeah, it's easy to have a great relationship with Natalie from really far away.

Apparently, the ex-contestants are now going to ask them questions, and then vote for the one couple they think deserves the money the most. Does anyone really "deserve" to win money on this show?

The Q & A is making me uncomfortable. Oh, really, everyone? You're mad that you got eliminated? No shit. I hate when they have to argue about "integrity" and "character". Shut up. Everyone has to get voted out some time.

Michelle goes off on Tenley. And then...Tenley cries. I don't understand why they don't ask Captain Hairdo Craig if he in fact made out with Michelle.

Chris says "All right, I hope you all got the answers you were looking for". I don't think anyone got a single answer.

This may sound crazy, but the finale is making me see that this may have been a deeply flawed show.

As Dave and Natalie are giving their closing arguments, Gwen chimes in! Turns out she overheard Dave telling people that if you're in your 30's and on this show, you are a loser. Burn!

Juan pipes up "yeah man, what's up with that? I'm 37!" And Gwen reveals "I'm 2 years older than that!" The mystery is finally revealed. Suck on that, "Lost".

Biggest crime of the night: Captain Hair Do Craig has not been allowed to say a word.

Craig votes Kip-Ten, so does Weather Man. Krisily goes Dave/Natalie, as does Jesse S., Peyton, and Handsome Jesse. Juan goes for Kip-Ten. 39 year old Gwen also goes for Kip-Ten.

It's 4-4.

Ashley votes for Dave/Natalie, so does crazy Michelle the Tenley hater. Nikki votes for Dave/Natalie. They are 1 vote away.

The deciding vote is Wes, for Dave and Natalie. Wow. So much for integrity.

Hold up! Huge curve ball. Chris says "you are one step closer to winning the money". What? Only one of them gets the money. Brutal. Well, they should have a deal with each other that they'll split it.

Okay, here's where it gets interesting. Dave and Natalie have to go back to separate "deliberation" rooms. They have 2 cards each in there, one that says "keep", the other that says "share".

If they both pick "share", they share it. If one picks "keep" and the other picks "share", the person with "keep" gets all the money. If they both pick "keep", then neither of them get the money and it's shared amongst everyone who got kicked out.

Upon hearing there's a chance that the rest of the people get the money, the Weather Man hugs Juan. Unexpected sunny skies!

Dave chooses "share". Natalie chooses..."share".

Dave hugs Natalie, then hugs Melissa, then kisses Chris Harrison on the mouth.

Then Tenley cries.

See you in January for the next season of "The Bachelor"! Goodnight.

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Am I The Only One Saying This About Mad Men?

I'm sure like most people, I watch TV and/or movies and develop theories, but don't know if I'm the only one thinking these things.

So, I'm a little behind on "Mad Men". I just watched last week's episode. Almost the entire episode involves Don Draper trying to come up with an ad campaign for Samsonite luggage. Actually, Peggy is trying to come up with it, but Don doesn't like her stuff, and then makes her stay late on her birthday so they can come up with something together.

Okay, hold that thought.

"Mad Men" was created by a very (not gay at all) talented guy named Matthew Weiner. He has won the Emmy for best writing the last 2 years. And both times he won it, he actually shared it with a female writer from his staff.

Two years ago, the woman he wrote it with was actually the writer's assistant. Soon after, he fired her.

Now, back to last week's episode. Don - an older man - is trying to write with a Peggy (a young woman from his staff). Midway through the episode, Peggy complains to Don that he didn't give her credit for a commercial that won an award. He says:

"You gave me 20 ideas and I picked out one of them that was a kernal that became that commercial...It's your job, I give you money, you give me ideas. You're young, you'll get your recognition. It's absolutely ridiculous to be 2 years into your career and counting your ideas. You should be thanking me every morning when you wake up along with Jesus for giving you another day".

There's an exchange later when Peggy says to Don: "everybody thinks I slept with you to get the job".

You mean like, a promotion from writer's assistant to Emmy winning writer?

And at the end of the episode, it's Don's idea that wins out, and he kind of forces her to say how great it is.

I haven't heard people saying talking about how Mad Men is a thinly disguised autobiography of Weiner (weiner!). But it clearly is. And these are the things I think about. So I'm just putting it out there, in case no one else has.

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I Can't Get Over This Chelsea Handler Thing

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Chelsea Handler. She's famous. And she's hosting the MTV VMA's.

Okay, I kinda get that maybe 35 year old ladies would buy her books, and watch her show. That sorta makes sense. But hosting the VMA's? The young, "hip", VMA's? The show Chris Rock used to host, and Eddie Murphy, and Russel Brand, and Diddy, and...Chelsea?

First of all, how old is she? Cause she's 45.

Secondly, everyone knows that she got a TV show only after having an affair with the President of E!, right? Cause that happened. And that show failed. And then she blew him, and then she got another show with a midget. Not that I'm one to diss midgets, but still.

I guess the thing that annoys me the most is not that people find her funny, but that she gets put in the "hot and funny" category. No, she literally gets put in that category, because I worked on an awards show and there was a category for "hot and funny" and someone suggested her for it. Luckily, I was in the room at the time and vetoed it.

Sure, she has the elements of attractiveness. Unfortunately, she also has the shoulders of Dwight Howard.

Let me tell you something about E!, cause I used to work there. 5 years ago, the highest rated show on the network, by far, was the Howard Stern show. And they got rid of it. Why? Because their business model is selling stuff to women in their 30's. So they didn't care that the biggest amount of people watched Stern, because it was the wrong kind of people.

They substituted it with content that would be less offensive to that audience. Therefore, it's impossible to be edgy and funny on E!. On the "The Soup", we would write the first draft of the script that was hilarious. We'd hand that in to the network, and they'd make us get rid of all the funny jokes and we'd write the nice version.

The point is - isn't MTV supposed to be the opposite of that? Isn't it supposed to be rock and roll and edgy and young? Well then why did they offer the hosting gig to my mom?

Forbes magazine says she made $19 million dollars last year. Let that sink in for a second.

I just looked her up on wikipedia right now, and apparently she says that she was born in 1975. She's a year older than me? That cannot be true. And if it is true, it's very, very depressing.

I guess I just thought that by the time I got to be this age, the VMA's would be hosted by someone I didn't even know was cool. Well, I guess that's sort of what's happening, but not the way I imagined it.

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Bachelor Pad: Episode 5

Happy Labor Day. For the record, this will be the only labor I do today...

Old ass Gwen feels like her days are numbered, because everyone else is coupled up. And cause she's old. Not sure how everyone is a couple though, since there are 7 girls and 4 guys left. And just as I type this, Chris comes out and announces that "the numbers will be evened up. 3 ladies will be leaving this morning".

Yikes. Closeup of Elizabeth on my HDTV is not good. She's got Lindsay Lohan's skin, and future job prospects.

Chris announces the "game" that will be played to eliminate the girls. And it's...spin the bottle! Oh, that old elimination game. And I thought it was just for making out.

The guys stand around a table with a bottle on it. They spin the bottle and whoever it lands on, he gets to go pick a girl and she stays. The girls who don't get picked have to leave.

It's time to spin the bottle, only the bottle doesn't spin, instead they have a Lazy Susan! This is a big budget network show, people.

It lands on Kiptyn. He picks Tenley, of course, saving us from her water works for now. Kovacs gets chosen, and he selects Ugly Lohan. Though he does interview to us that she is "unstable". To say the least.

Note: Kiptyn and Kovacs each pretended for a second like they weren't going to pick their girlfriends. It was really, really suspenseful.

Handsome Jesse goes next. This is an actual toss up, although we have to assume it's Payton. And it is.

Wait. What in the hell was the point of spinning the bottle, er, Lazy Susan? Just to choose the order? That was insane. I guess every game has to have some element of whoredom attached to it.

Dave is last. He picks Natalie - speaking of whoredom. That means Gwen is gone, as is Crazy Eyes, and Nikki. So in the end, it was actually important to be a couple. Just like the real world, if you're single, you have no reason to live.

As the losers depart, Elizabeth says "I could be like Gwen, in my 40's, still looking for love". Wait, you're not?

The couples try to guess what "game" is next. They theorize it might involve knowing things about your partner. Kovacs goes through Elizabeth's entire life. He knows everything. He says "my mind is a steel trap". So is Elizabeth, and you can't get out.

Elizabeth doesn't know anything about him. Not because he hasn't told her, but because she's a moron.

Kiptyn and Tenley make out, and Tenley is so excited that they can "freely be with each other". Last week, I speculated as to what they would name their kid. I wrote: "What would Kiptyn and Tenley name their kid? Tentyn? Kipten?" Well, Tenley announces that together they are "Kip-Ten". I kinda called their lameness.

In other couple's news, Payton officially hates Handsome Jesse's guts.

The next competition is...the water balloon toss. What is this, summer camp pad? I can't believe this is on real TV. Next week they're gonna compete to see who can best roast a marshmallow.

Payton drops the first balloon. Then the second (you get 3 for some reason). And the third. Her and Jesse are out. Payton sits down and goes all Tenley with it.

Team Kip-Ten breaks 3 in a row. Melissa totally steals Harrison's thunder by announcing "Kiptyn, Tenley, this is your last balloon".

Ugly Lohan lets 3 splash. Natalie catches one from Dave, and they win. They're safe from elimination. In a related story, Dave has a really good body. His shoulders are insane. They're huge. I'm talking Chelsea Handler huge.

Dave and Natalie now get to go on a date. Boring. The problem with this show is that there are no cross hook ups. All of these people are couples now, and there's nothing worse than a reality show with people who are in monogamous relationships. I don't want to watch Dave and Natalie have boring, relationship sex.

"If a girl catches a bad case of the Kovacs, so be it". And if you catch a bad case of Elizabeth's herpes, so be it. She's old, it'll probably be the clap.

Dave and Natalie's date involves driving a yellow lamborghini. The other people act like this is the greatest thing ever. When Elizabeth was 30 years old back in 1987, this was her idea of cool.

They go to a cliff overlooking the ocean. Natalie thinks it would be a good idea to pose Tawny Kitaen style on top of the lambo. Oh, sluts. I seriously expect Samantha Fox to come out and start singing.

Oh boy. Instead of a wild night, Craig gives us and Natalie his sob story of growing up in a broken home. Look at the bright side, it has got you here. If your parents had stayed married, you'd probably just be some shlub with a good job and great family and a cool life.

Natalie says that she and Dave connected on a deeper level than she ever imagined. That's her way of saying that he has long penis.

Elizabeth convinces Kovacs to go the fantasy suite with her. Of course, before they can have sex, she complains that she wants "romance" and not just "railing". Instead, he just starts kissing her and the railing commences.

Afterward, Elizabeth complains "I feel like a stupid girl. I don't see you going out of your way to do romantic things with me". Jesse replies "what did we just do?" And she goes "you got laid". Oh my God, fuck you, bitch. He got laid? What about you? Weren't you in that bed when the laying happened? Oh, I hate her so much. She is the absolute worst human being. But at least she is going to die alone.

There's lots of strategerizing. Which we know at this point not to listen to. No one has voted how they've told us they were. Payton and Jesse try to convince people to vote off Kovacs and Lohan, because they are "the biggest threat". All reality shows are the same.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chris announces that they will be voting individually and not as couples, which shocks everyone. I'm not sure why since there was no reason to believe any different. No one ever said they were voting as couples.

And the couple eliminated is...Jesse and Payton. You know what that means - Tenley cries. Then she suggests a pajama party! I wish this could be less predictable.

Time to go back to work...

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So Much 90210 Today

For the record, here are my top 3 episodes:


3. "P.S. I Love You"

The 2 hour finale of the first season with Valerie. But that's not why it's good. It's good because we get drunk Brandon. This is one of the only 90210 episodes that is legitimately funny while trying to be funny.

It takes place after the iconic Kelly Taylor "I choose me" episode. Brandon walks in on Kelly talking to Allison, the lesbian who got burned in the house fire. Brandon thinks that Kelly hasn't "chosen me", but instead has chosen softball and field hockey.

This sets Brandon off! He drives to Palm Springs for the KEG/Alpha convention in complete F-You mode. He starts drinking and becomes determined to bang Valerie.

If that's not enough for you, Donna Martin gets tossed down a flight of stairs.


2. "Mr. Walsh Goes to Washington"

Much like "Lost", 90210 knew how to do 2 hour season finales.

Brandon is in D.C., and Claire and Lucinda Nicholson are both trying to have sex with him. It looks like a threesome is in the cards. And it seems like Brandon is just going to reluctantly go along with that. That's how awesome Brandon is, he treats a 3 some with indifference.

But then out of nowhere Kelly Taylor shows up to profess her love for him and they meet Bill Clinton together.

But that's not all! David gets to play keyboard for Babyface and cheats on Donna with Ariel.


1. "Wild Horses"

An underrated and oft overlooked episode. Why is it the best? Because it has 2 separate and distinct fantastic story lines, and also features David Silver singing "Switch It Up".

What are the 2 storylines?

#1) Brandon's girlfriend Nikki's ex boyfriend Diesel, played by David Arquette, is in town and abuses her. Arquette's performance is indescribable. It concludes with a classic Brandon fight scene which begins with him saying to Arquette: "You only fight girls, Wiesel?" And then Brandon knocks him out with one punch.

#2) Dylan, unable to decide between Brenda and Kelly, drives off to get away from it all. Normally, he'd go to Baja. But his car breaks down, and he ends up staying with an older lady who owns horses.

Her favorite horse is Shadowcaster. And this leads to several great lines where she talks about the horse but she's really talking about her vagina. Such as "You know, Dylan, Shadowcaster hasn't been ridden in a long, long time".

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Happy 9-02-10

Today is 90210. I'm surprised how much attention this dumb day is getting. But whatever, who am I to complain? Every day is 90210 to me and Soap Net.

As a treat to you, I am linking to this.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that it's one of the greatest things I've ever read. If you are a true 90210 fan, you have to read it.

It's an interview with Larry Mollin, who wrote and produced the show during the glory years - pre and post Brenda. There are so many awesome insights that I don't want to even start naming them, you have to check it out for yourself.

Besides specific 90210 info (he shits on the casting of Jesse: "I was totally appalled that they cast this guy. He had ears as big as Botswana as far as I was concerned. I have no idea what happened in that room that day when they cast him. I just thought they totally blew it. To have a guy with a receding hairline– just everything I thought was wrong"), what I also love is how perfectly he explains where 1 hour soaps go wrong. If The OC had listened to this dude, it would still be on the air.

Anyway, I go back and read it once a month, because I'm a gay nerd. But you're a fan, or even if you're just into 1 hour dramas, you should read it at least once.

Have a great 90210, and remember, the guy who played Ray doesn't actually beat women in real life.

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FYI

My friend who hates everything saw the Ben Affleck movie "The Town" last night and said it's "very, very good". I'm psyched!

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