Bachelor Pad Finale

It's down to the final six: Natalie/Dave, Kovacs/Lindsay Lohan's mom, and Kip-Ten. The first competition, which will guarantee the winner a spot in the final four, is ballroom dancing. That's what we in the business call synergy.

Lindsay Lohan's mom tells Kovacs that if their instructor is a woman, he has to keep the focus on her and not the instructor. I think even if it's a man, Kovacs is gonna pay more attention to him.

Kip-Ten's instructor is Chelsea Hightower, which causes Tenley to lose her mind. Uh, who the hell is that? Is she any relation to Hightower from the Police Academy films?

Kovacs and Elizabeth get Edyta as their instructor, and supposedly she is very hot. Kovacs goes on and on about how smoking she is. And she does indeed have a ridiculous body. Well, so much for that plan, Elizabeth. But I'm sure you have a much better personality.

Natalie says that her and Dave are used to these "sex" positions so it's gonna work out well. Can't argue with that. She's actually used to these sex positions with a large percentage of the population.

Every time they cut to Kovacs and Elizabeth training, Edyta is all up on Kovacs' shit. It's quite enjoyable. Especially because next to Edyta, Elizabeth looks extra disgusting and sad.

Chris announces the 3 judges for the dancing competition. One is stupid Melissa. The second is gross Jake. And as he enters, he does the 2 handed wave! We did a thing on the show where Daniel said "how come only gay guys are allowed to wave with 2 hands". Ha!

And the third judge is old, living boring ever after Trista. Because why get actual dancers to judge any of this.

Kip-Ten goes first, and they are pretty good, I guess. Then Elizabeth and Kovacs go, and they are awful. They forget what they're supposed to do, and basically make that Kate Gosselin lady look like Ciara. It's embarrassing. For some reason, the judges say nothing about how they totally sucked. It's weird.

Dave and Natalie suck too. Jake says it was good cause that's a "dang hard" dance. Know what's also dang hard? Your wiener when you're around dudes.

The scores come in, and Kip-Ten wins. Now they get to pick the couple they will compete against for the rest of the show. If they're smart, they'll pick Kovacs/Elizabeth, because Elizabeth has never won anything in her entire life.

I don't know who has a better body: Dave or Edyta.

The skin on Elizabeth's boobs looks like the skin on Robert Redford's face.

If you're attracted to Tenley, you probably are a pedophile.

Kip-Ten pick Dave and Natalie to stay because Dave has been so loyal. This causes Tenley to cry.

Elizabeth and Kovacs leave in separate limos, and I'm pretty sure he'll never see her again.

It's pretty amazing that Natalie is here, after starting off the show with Handsome Jesse, then switching over to Dave. And that's really the message of Bachelor Pad: have sex for money.

They all leave the mansion. And the rest of the show takes place months later in front of a live studio audience - including everyone who got kicked off. That's right, Captain Hairdo and the Weather Man are back! Partly sunny.

And guess what? Elizabeth has gone back to a somewhat normal hair color! Chris asks her and Kovacs if they're still together, and Elizabeth says hell no. "He's single, if anyone wants a player, go ahead!" More like, "if someone wants a guy who would go out with me, go ahead!"

It turns out, she actually watched the show and didn't take too kindly to Kovacs saying she was a psycho the entire time. Truth hurts, lady. I hate how they're pretending that Kovacs was ever really interested in her as anything more than a fuck buddy. He was pretty up front about his intentions the whole time.

In another shocker, Gia is no longer with her boyfriend. I really thought that was going to work out. So in a completely staged moment, Wes sticks his tongue down her throat. And I thought love didn't come easy.

The final four then walk out. Tenley announces that Kiptyn is her boyfriend. Dave and Natalie say it's a "long distance thing" but it's going great. Yeah, it's easy to have a great relationship with Natalie from really far away.

Apparently, the ex-contestants are now going to ask them questions, and then vote for the one couple they think deserves the money the most. Does anyone really "deserve" to win money on this show?

The Q & A is making me uncomfortable. Oh, really, everyone? You're mad that you got eliminated? No shit. I hate when they have to argue about "integrity" and "character". Shut up. Everyone has to get voted out some time.

Michelle goes off on Tenley. And then...Tenley cries. I don't understand why they don't ask Captain Hairdo Craig if he in fact made out with Michelle.

Chris says "All right, I hope you all got the answers you were looking for". I don't think anyone got a single answer.

This may sound crazy, but the finale is making me see that this may have been a deeply flawed show.

As Dave and Natalie are giving their closing arguments, Gwen chimes in! Turns out she overheard Dave telling people that if you're in your 30's and on this show, you are a loser. Burn!

Juan pipes up "yeah man, what's up with that? I'm 37!" And Gwen reveals "I'm 2 years older than that!" The mystery is finally revealed. Suck on that, "Lost".

Biggest crime of the night: Captain Hair Do Craig has not been allowed to say a word.

Craig votes Kip-Ten, so does Weather Man. Krisily goes Dave/Natalie, as does Jesse S., Peyton, and Handsome Jesse. Juan goes for Kip-Ten. 39 year old Gwen also goes for Kip-Ten.

It's 4-4.

Ashley votes for Dave/Natalie, so does crazy Michelle the Tenley hater. Nikki votes for Dave/Natalie. They are 1 vote away.

The deciding vote is Wes, for Dave and Natalie. Wow. So much for integrity.

Hold up! Huge curve ball. Chris says "you are one step closer to winning the money". What? Only one of them gets the money. Brutal. Well, they should have a deal with each other that they'll split it.

Okay, here's where it gets interesting. Dave and Natalie have to go back to separate "deliberation" rooms. They have 2 cards each in there, one that says "keep", the other that says "share".

If they both pick "share", they share it. If one picks "keep" and the other picks "share", the person with "keep" gets all the money. If they both pick "keep", then neither of them get the money and it's shared amongst everyone who got kicked out.

Upon hearing there's a chance that the rest of the people get the money, the Weather Man hugs Juan. Unexpected sunny skies!

Dave chooses "share". Natalie chooses..."share".

Dave hugs Natalie, then hugs Melissa, then kisses Chris Harrison on the mouth.

Then Tenley cries.

See you in January for the next season of "The Bachelor"! Goodnight.