Is that you just get to sit back and let the big bucks roll in...
Thursday, 31 May 2012
John Isner is an American professional tennis player. In 2010, he played in (and won) the longest tennis match ever. The final score: 6-4, 3-6, 6-7, 7-6, 70-68.
That is not a misprint. The final set, which at Wimbledon (and other tournaments) doesn't go to a tie breaker and must be won by 2 games, went 138 games.
The match lasted 11 hours, 5 minutes. The only thing I've ever done for 11 hours and 5 minutes is sleep. I'm not sure who sat in the stands and watched the whole thing, but I'm sure whoever did is an asshole.
Today, at the French Open, John Isner just played another marathon match. He lost 7-6, 4-6, 4-6, 6-3, 16-18.
It is not a coincidence that Isner played in both of these matches. He is 6'9" tall, and has an unstoppable serve. He has little else.
So Isner wins his service game just about every time, and loses when his opponent serves. A perfect recipe for a never ending match, and John Isner plays in an incredible amount of never ending matches.
My question is: why should a great serve have this much of an effect on the game? Serving is just one aspect of tennis, and doesn't really tell you that much about someone's overall skill. You take a big oaf (see Isner, John), teach him how to swing overhand, and you're gonna have a tough time returning that serve.
If Isner was any good at the rest of the game, he'd be able to break his opponent's serve and not have so many long matches.
I don't think this is what the inventor of tennis, Howard E. Tennis, had in mind. He probably never even met anyone over 5'5". And the people who were over that height died at the age of 19, because things were tough in olden times.
This style of play is destroying the game. It's boring. It makes rallies rare. It lasts too long. And it's not indicative of how good a tennis player someone is.
So here's my proposal:
Overhanded serves should be outlawed.
That's right, from now on, only underhanded serves.
I firmly believe that this would save the game of men's tennis. It would induce exciting long rallies, get rid of serving contests, promote more strategery, craftier shot making, and expel from the sport people with one dimensional games like John Isner.
Congratulations, you're a 6'9" white guy, now go play basketball at BYU and then disappear forever like God intended.
I don't understand how this wouldn't be contemplated. Oh wait, I know why - it makes too much damn sense!
This isn't like taking away dunking, or something cool that we all like. Serves aren't fun to watch. Nobody gets excited about a second serve with some spin on it. It's not all that important to our enjoyment level. There's no pro-serve lobby! Get rid of it.
As part of this proposal, all matches would be reduced to the best 2 out of 3. I wish I was better at statistics, if I was, I'd be able to offer you proof that the longer it takes for people to play a sport, the less people are inclined to watch it.
There's probably some graph where more and more people like to watch a sport up until about the 2 and a half hour mark, and from there, viewership drops off precipitously.
But I'm not that smart, so you'll just have to take my word for it, or go try and sit through a Yankees/Red Sox baseball game.
There you go, underhanded serves. That's the answer. I've done it again.
That is not a misprint. The final set, which at Wimbledon (and other tournaments) doesn't go to a tie breaker and must be won by 2 games, went 138 games.
The match lasted 11 hours, 5 minutes. The only thing I've ever done for 11 hours and 5 minutes is sleep. I'm not sure who sat in the stands and watched the whole thing, but I'm sure whoever did is an asshole.
Today, at the French Open, John Isner just played another marathon match. He lost 7-6, 4-6, 4-6, 6-3, 16-18.
It is not a coincidence that Isner played in both of these matches. He is 6'9" tall, and has an unstoppable serve. He has little else.
So Isner wins his service game just about every time, and loses when his opponent serves. A perfect recipe for a never ending match, and John Isner plays in an incredible amount of never ending matches.
My question is: why should a great serve have this much of an effect on the game? Serving is just one aspect of tennis, and doesn't really tell you that much about someone's overall skill. You take a big oaf (see Isner, John), teach him how to swing overhand, and you're gonna have a tough time returning that serve.
If Isner was any good at the rest of the game, he'd be able to break his opponent's serve and not have so many long matches.
I don't think this is what the inventor of tennis, Howard E. Tennis, had in mind. He probably never even met anyone over 5'5". And the people who were over that height died at the age of 19, because things were tough in olden times.
This style of play is destroying the game. It's boring. It makes rallies rare. It lasts too long. And it's not indicative of how good a tennis player someone is.
So here's my proposal:
Overhanded serves should be outlawed.
That's right, from now on, only underhanded serves.
I firmly believe that this would save the game of men's tennis. It would induce exciting long rallies, get rid of serving contests, promote more strategery, craftier shot making, and expel from the sport people with one dimensional games like John Isner.
Congratulations, you're a 6'9" white guy, now go play basketball at BYU and then disappear forever like God intended.
I don't understand how this wouldn't be contemplated. Oh wait, I know why - it makes too much damn sense!
This isn't like taking away dunking, or something cool that we all like. Serves aren't fun to watch. Nobody gets excited about a second serve with some spin on it. It's not all that important to our enjoyment level. There's no pro-serve lobby! Get rid of it.
As part of this proposal, all matches would be reduced to the best 2 out of 3. I wish I was better at statistics, if I was, I'd be able to offer you proof that the longer it takes for people to play a sport, the less people are inclined to watch it.
There's probably some graph where more and more people like to watch a sport up until about the 2 and a half hour mark, and from there, viewership drops off precipitously.
But I'm not that smart, so you'll just have to take my word for it, or go try and sit through a Yankees/Red Sox baseball game.
There you go, underhanded serves. That's the answer. I've done it again.
I'm making the move to sitcom land and the show Suburgatory, which is on Wednesdays at 8:30 on ABC before Modern Family.
As mentioned before, it was a very difficult decision leaving Tosh, but it was a job I couldn't pass up. I've always wanted to write for a "scripted" show, but there's not too many I actually enjoy watching. So when I got an offer from a show I do like, and do watch and respect, I made the tough call. A man cannot live on nut shots and puke alone, people.
Some of you have been finding me on twitter and asking me questions and stuff. If you have off topic shit, please feel free to get at me @irwinhandleman.
Thanks for the well wishes, and I'll try not to fuck it up. Although if I do, it will make for some great blog posts and Lord knows I need stuff to write about.
As mentioned before, it was a very difficult decision leaving Tosh, but it was a job I couldn't pass up. I've always wanted to write for a "scripted" show, but there's not too many I actually enjoy watching. So when I got an offer from a show I do like, and do watch and respect, I made the tough call. A man cannot live on nut shots and puke alone, people.
Some of you have been finding me on twitter and asking me questions and stuff. If you have off topic shit, please feel free to get at me @irwinhandleman.
Thanks for the well wishes, and I'll try not to fuck it up. Although if I do, it will make for some great blog posts and Lord knows I need stuff to write about.
Monday, 28 May 2012
We begin in Emily's bedroom, where she's lying with...her mom. Her mom has dyed blonde hair and the voice of Barry White. Seriously. Might want to knock it off with the cigarettes, Emily's mom.
They are begging Lil Stevie Zahn to come join them in the room with all the cameras so she can dance like a trained monkey, but she's not having it. Good for you, Zahn.
The first date is a one on one with Chris, who Emily claims is "so" good looking. This despite the fact that he forgot to bring his lips. And what are they doing on this date? Well it's the bachelorette, so they are romantically scaling a wall for no reason.
Oh, Emily tells us that she wants "a man who stays by her side good or bad". That's the justification for scaling the wall. Let's stop it with the lies and just admit that we do this every season because the producers are out of ideas.
After they make it to the top, Chris opts for a high five instead of a kiss, because...well he pussed out. But who can blame him? Kissing when you have no lips is like having no hands and trying to finger a girl.
Later, they go to dinner, and Emily tells Chris that if she saw him at a bar she would be too nervous to go over and talk to him because he's so good looking. This dude must be amazing in person cause I'm not seeing it.
Chris tells Emily that he's 25 and she freaks the fuck out. "That's a red flag". Bitch, you're 25! I hate that whole rap girls have where they think they're more mature than guys their age. You're really not. There are guys who are as mature than you, if not more so, but guess what? Those are the guys you are not attracted to.
Emily says "I've always dated older guys". This made me do some research, and it turns out when her fiance died, she was 18 years old. The fiance? 24. And she was pregnant. Well, I guess that's legal in the south.
Jesus. More country music. They go see Luke Bryan, at least I think that's what his name is. Anyway, he sings a song with the lyrics "girl you make my speakers go boom, boom". Speaking of that, when they were scaling that wall Chris went boom boom in his pants.
Chris: "Kissing Emily was like, the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life". Quite a life there, Chris.
Group date. They are in a park, and Emily has a football. She throws it to the guys just like she used to throw it to Jeremy Shockey when she used to bang him. Then she brings out some of her friends to interrogate the men. One of the guys sees her friends and goes "what's this? Are we getting manicures?" I have to assume Jef said that, cause he looks like someone who has a deep concern for nail care.
Alejandro alert! Holy crap, he just said words. That's a first.
I didn't realize that the guy with the egg is still here, and he's still carrying the egg.
Emily's the kind of girl who only has unattractive friends. She even has an unattractive kid, that's how badly she wants the spotlight to herself.
Sean brags to Emily's friends that they have connected through their "faith". I think he's been praying to the God of Bowflex, cause his body is insane. The friends are in love with Sean. They love him way more than Emily does. These people really love pure blood Aryans.
Then a bunch of kids show up. The guys are forced to play with them. Oh boy, this single mother thing has to end. We get it. She needs a husband AND a father. But you know what America needs? Hot tubs. And half naked people. Let's go.
Ryan is the guy who has to constantly be around Emily, so he ditches the kids and joins the girls in conversation. Then he stupidly says that it's not okay if Emily gets fat if they're together. He tries to pull it back together and fails. It's hard to watch.
The friends vote on who they like the most, and the consensus seems to be "Sean or Doug". Sean is the Hitler youth guy, and Doug is the one with the kid. I still say there's no way Emily wants a guy who has a kid. She wants purity, even though she doesn't have it herself.
Doug tells Emily a very sad story about how he grew up. Basically, his mom ditched their family, then his dad died because he didn't want to go to the doctor and spend their grocery money. Then he bounced around foster homes. He doesn't get to the part about him now having a kid with no mom. I'm telling you, Emily does not like this! She doesn't want damaged goods.
Tony cries about missing his kid, and it seems pretty clear he's not going to be around much longer. Why even come on the show if you can't handle it? You took another man's spot. How dare you care about your kid!
The producers then force Tony to call his kid on speaker phone and have a whole conversation, this makes Tony cry more. If I wanted to hear about kids I'd go to kindergarten, where are the God Damn hot tubs?!
Finally, Emily takes pity on him and drops him like a bad habit. She kicks his crying, terrific parenting ass to the curb, because she's not feeling it that much anyway.
Sean gets the rose. Thank you, Baby Jesus. I have no doubt that if Sean and Emily have kids their names will be Walker and Texas Ranger.
The next one on one date is with Arie, the race car driver. Shake and Bake!
They take the Bachelor Jet to Dolly Wood. Emily calls it the happiest place on earth. That's a coincidence, cause I think it's the saddest. Of course, Dolly Parton surprises them. It really says something about Emily that she didn't see it coming.
Dolly sings for them, and they have to uncomfortably dance in front of her. Emily calls it the best moment of her life. This tells me all I need to know about why we had to fight the Civil War.
Arie and Emily have an actual adult conversation that seems somewhat real. How refreshing. You want a red flag? How about this: Arie says "how do you feel about me being busy with my career?" Emily: "I welcome it! I love my own space". It's Emily and Ricki and the rest of the world, I don't think she has any interest in bringing another person, especially one with a penis, into the circle of trust.
He gets the rose, and he also touches some boob. Arie suddenly jumps into the Bachelor lead.
At the cocktail party, Emily talks to Kalon because he didn't get a date this week. He tells her he took it personally that he didn't get a date and seems really hostile about it. Emily asks him about how he feels that Emily is a mom. He says "I always thought my first child would be my own". Pretty smooth, D-bag.
Kalon says "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish". Meanwhile, he's been talking the ENTIRE TIME. Ugh, fuck Kalon. If you're gonna be the dick of the house, at least be awesome about it. Emily says she doesn't like "tall, skinny, and condescending". Uh, then why do you keep giving him roses?
Emily and the Egg Guy smash the egg. Its name was Shelly, I have no idea what any of it means.
Alessandro gets some time, and he is awful. Not sure what the accent is, but he can barely talk. He's giving me and Emily the willies. Watching him talk makes me long for the egg guy to come back.
He tells Emily that having a kid is a "compromise". She says that any guy should see Ricki as "the biggest bonus ever, don't you think?" And Alessandro goes, "No!" Ha, ha. He hates Steve Zahn.
How was this guy even picked to be on the show?! I mean, it's one thing to cast a guy who will say the honest thing or whatever, or be rude, but the fact that he's foreign and clearly confused just makes it dumb.
Sean reveals that Alessandro said to Emily's friends that he had cheated on his ex and had a one night stand. I'm pretty sure they didn't show us that. Maybe they wanted to "shock" us with what he was saying right there.
Wait a minute, now Alessandro is going home and they didn't show us Emily kicking him out. Really? A 2 hour show and you're leaving all of the good stuff on the cutting room floor? She just slowly walks out with him and he leaves. No words are spoken.
Emily sums it up: "Alessandro...the stuff coming out of his mouth was weird".
Arie does the smart thing and makes Emily feel better and then gets some more kisses. The other guys see it and aren't pleased.
Sean joins in on the "take advantage of the Alessandro" situation and tells Emily about how he'd be the greatest father in the world. This earns him a makeout as well. Not sure what lessons Steve Zahn is learning from all of this making out, but it probably has something to do with whoring.
Crazy enough, it does seem like Emily is liking a few of these dudes. Didn't see that coming.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JEF - I think he was the lead singer of the Stray Cats
CHARLIE - Head Wound Harry (I'm suddenly realizing that no one is understanding my ancient references)
DOUG - he doesn't care about his kid like Tony does, so he's still here
MICHAEL - this guy has still not spoken! He has long hair, that's all I know about him.
TRAVIS - I get him and the head wound guy mixed up. I think he's the egg guy.
ALEJANDRO - I don't think he and Emily have even met yet
RYAN - just don't get fat, Emily, or he'll dump you like he dumps mousse on his head.
JOHN - wait, who's John? Oh, you mean Wolf? Classic Wolf.
KALON - gross
NATE - did not say a single word this episode.
So who is gone? Well, I regret to inform you that it is Stevie, the Party MC. Who would've thought not being good looking and being a wedding/bar mitzvah DJ wouldn't get you laid? I just don't understand what women want anymore.
Ryan is still smarting over the fact that Arie kissed Emily in the house. He calls Arie "a dainty man". That may be true, but at least he doesn't have Edward Scissorhands trim his beard, you weirdo.
After the credits, they show us Alessandro's talk with the friends. He describes himself as a gypsy, and mentions that his last girlfriend was his cousin. So yeah, that didn't go well, but why include that in the actual show? It's just funny and interesting.
I'm enjoying this season thus far, hope you are too. Goodnight!
They are begging Lil Stevie Zahn to come join them in the room with all the cameras so she can dance like a trained monkey, but she's not having it. Good for you, Zahn.
The first date is a one on one with Chris, who Emily claims is "so" good looking. This despite the fact that he forgot to bring his lips. And what are they doing on this date? Well it's the bachelorette, so they are romantically scaling a wall for no reason.
Oh, Emily tells us that she wants "a man who stays by her side good or bad". That's the justification for scaling the wall. Let's stop it with the lies and just admit that we do this every season because the producers are out of ideas.
After they make it to the top, Chris opts for a high five instead of a kiss, because...well he pussed out. But who can blame him? Kissing when you have no lips is like having no hands and trying to finger a girl.
Later, they go to dinner, and Emily tells Chris that if she saw him at a bar she would be too nervous to go over and talk to him because he's so good looking. This dude must be amazing in person cause I'm not seeing it.
Chris tells Emily that he's 25 and she freaks the fuck out. "That's a red flag". Bitch, you're 25! I hate that whole rap girls have where they think they're more mature than guys their age. You're really not. There are guys who are as mature than you, if not more so, but guess what? Those are the guys you are not attracted to.
Emily says "I've always dated older guys". This made me do some research, and it turns out when her fiance died, she was 18 years old. The fiance? 24. And she was pregnant. Well, I guess that's legal in the south.
Jesus. More country music. They go see Luke Bryan, at least I think that's what his name is. Anyway, he sings a song with the lyrics "girl you make my speakers go boom, boom". Speaking of that, when they were scaling that wall Chris went boom boom in his pants.
Chris: "Kissing Emily was like, the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life". Quite a life there, Chris.
Group date. They are in a park, and Emily has a football. She throws it to the guys just like she used to throw it to Jeremy Shockey when she used to bang him. Then she brings out some of her friends to interrogate the men. One of the guys sees her friends and goes "what's this? Are we getting manicures?" I have to assume Jef said that, cause he looks like someone who has a deep concern for nail care.
Alejandro alert! Holy crap, he just said words. That's a first.
I didn't realize that the guy with the egg is still here, and he's still carrying the egg.
Emily's the kind of girl who only has unattractive friends. She even has an unattractive kid, that's how badly she wants the spotlight to herself.
Sean brags to Emily's friends that they have connected through their "faith". I think he's been praying to the God of Bowflex, cause his body is insane. The friends are in love with Sean. They love him way more than Emily does. These people really love pure blood Aryans.
Then a bunch of kids show up. The guys are forced to play with them. Oh boy, this single mother thing has to end. We get it. She needs a husband AND a father. But you know what America needs? Hot tubs. And half naked people. Let's go.
Ryan is the guy who has to constantly be around Emily, so he ditches the kids and joins the girls in conversation. Then he stupidly says that it's not okay if Emily gets fat if they're together. He tries to pull it back together and fails. It's hard to watch.
The friends vote on who they like the most, and the consensus seems to be "Sean or Doug". Sean is the Hitler youth guy, and Doug is the one with the kid. I still say there's no way Emily wants a guy who has a kid. She wants purity, even though she doesn't have it herself.
Doug tells Emily a very sad story about how he grew up. Basically, his mom ditched their family, then his dad died because he didn't want to go to the doctor and spend their grocery money. Then he bounced around foster homes. He doesn't get to the part about him now having a kid with no mom. I'm telling you, Emily does not like this! She doesn't want damaged goods.
Tony cries about missing his kid, and it seems pretty clear he's not going to be around much longer. Why even come on the show if you can't handle it? You took another man's spot. How dare you care about your kid!
The producers then force Tony to call his kid on speaker phone and have a whole conversation, this makes Tony cry more. If I wanted to hear about kids I'd go to kindergarten, where are the God Damn hot tubs?!
Finally, Emily takes pity on him and drops him like a bad habit. She kicks his crying, terrific parenting ass to the curb, because she's not feeling it that much anyway.
Sean gets the rose. Thank you, Baby Jesus. I have no doubt that if Sean and Emily have kids their names will be Walker and Texas Ranger.
The next one on one date is with Arie, the race car driver. Shake and Bake!
They take the Bachelor Jet to Dolly Wood. Emily calls it the happiest place on earth. That's a coincidence, cause I think it's the saddest. Of course, Dolly Parton surprises them. It really says something about Emily that she didn't see it coming.
Dolly sings for them, and they have to uncomfortably dance in front of her. Emily calls it the best moment of her life. This tells me all I need to know about why we had to fight the Civil War.
Arie and Emily have an actual adult conversation that seems somewhat real. How refreshing. You want a red flag? How about this: Arie says "how do you feel about me being busy with my career?" Emily: "I welcome it! I love my own space". It's Emily and Ricki and the rest of the world, I don't think she has any interest in bringing another person, especially one with a penis, into the circle of trust.
He gets the rose, and he also touches some boob. Arie suddenly jumps into the Bachelor lead.
At the cocktail party, Emily talks to Kalon because he didn't get a date this week. He tells her he took it personally that he didn't get a date and seems really hostile about it. Emily asks him about how he feels that Emily is a mom. He says "I always thought my first child would be my own". Pretty smooth, D-bag.
Kalon says "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish". Meanwhile, he's been talking the ENTIRE TIME. Ugh, fuck Kalon. If you're gonna be the dick of the house, at least be awesome about it. Emily says she doesn't like "tall, skinny, and condescending". Uh, then why do you keep giving him roses?
Emily and the Egg Guy smash the egg. Its name was Shelly, I have no idea what any of it means.
Alessandro gets some time, and he is awful. Not sure what the accent is, but he can barely talk. He's giving me and Emily the willies. Watching him talk makes me long for the egg guy to come back.
He tells Emily that having a kid is a "compromise". She says that any guy should see Ricki as "the biggest bonus ever, don't you think?" And Alessandro goes, "No!" Ha, ha. He hates Steve Zahn.
How was this guy even picked to be on the show?! I mean, it's one thing to cast a guy who will say the honest thing or whatever, or be rude, but the fact that he's foreign and clearly confused just makes it dumb.
Sean reveals that Alessandro said to Emily's friends that he had cheated on his ex and had a one night stand. I'm pretty sure they didn't show us that. Maybe they wanted to "shock" us with what he was saying right there.
Wait a minute, now Alessandro is going home and they didn't show us Emily kicking him out. Really? A 2 hour show and you're leaving all of the good stuff on the cutting room floor? She just slowly walks out with him and he leaves. No words are spoken.
Emily sums it up: "Alessandro...the stuff coming out of his mouth was weird".
Arie does the smart thing and makes Emily feel better and then gets some more kisses. The other guys see it and aren't pleased.
Sean joins in on the "take advantage of the Alessandro" situation and tells Emily about how he'd be the greatest father in the world. This earns him a makeout as well. Not sure what lessons Steve Zahn is learning from all of this making out, but it probably has something to do with whoring.
Crazy enough, it does seem like Emily is liking a few of these dudes. Didn't see that coming.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JEF - I think he was the lead singer of the Stray Cats
CHARLIE - Head Wound Harry (I'm suddenly realizing that no one is understanding my ancient references)
DOUG - he doesn't care about his kid like Tony does, so he's still here
MICHAEL - this guy has still not spoken! He has long hair, that's all I know about him.
TRAVIS - I get him and the head wound guy mixed up. I think he's the egg guy.
ALEJANDRO - I don't think he and Emily have even met yet
RYAN - just don't get fat, Emily, or he'll dump you like he dumps mousse on his head.
JOHN - wait, who's John? Oh, you mean Wolf? Classic Wolf.
KALON - gross
NATE - did not say a single word this episode.
So who is gone? Well, I regret to inform you that it is Stevie, the Party MC. Who would've thought not being good looking and being a wedding/bar mitzvah DJ wouldn't get you laid? I just don't understand what women want anymore.
Ryan is still smarting over the fact that Arie kissed Emily in the house. He calls Arie "a dainty man". That may be true, but at least he doesn't have Edward Scissorhands trim his beard, you weirdo.
After the credits, they show us Alessandro's talk with the friends. He describes himself as a gypsy, and mentions that his last girlfriend was his cousin. So yeah, that didn't go well, but why include that in the actual show? It's just funny and interesting.
I'm enjoying this season thus far, hope you are too. Goodnight!
Thursday, 24 May 2012
I can confidently say that I have figured it out. It wasn't easy, but that's the thing about writing: it sucks. It's only fun afterwards, when you're finished and get to make other people read it so they can tell you that you have no future in the business.
I don't think I've ever struggled this much to figure out a story. But as mentioned, this partially involved time travel, which as it turns out, causes a million problems. Yet another reason why Back to the Future is the greatest thing ever written.
Okay, I've figured out the story. I've written the script. It all makes sense. Yes! My job is done, right? Wrong. Cause here's the bad news:
It's awful.
Just terrible. I spent so much time trying to figure out how things go together, that I didn't devote any attention into making it good.
That's one of the biggest misconceptions and something I have a hard time with: these things need to be rewritten. A lot. A movie is just too long with too many scenes to bang out well on the first try.
So now that I've got my story down, really, the work has just begun...
Realistically, I should've figured everything out before I even started writing the script. But I'm bad at planning out all of the details ahead of time. I'm great at thinking in complete generalities though! So this was probably not done in the best way, but it just ended up being far more tricky than I realized.
Nevertheless, it's good to have a draft done. I just can't be satisfied with the words that are already there. It's time to start chipping away at it and punching it up, and hopefully it can end up being something competent.
And yes, this post was really just an excuse to show off the photo, because I think it's pretty cool. A lot of new dunks were created in the procrastinating of this first draft.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
As you know, I have pioneered the 20/40 actor theory. The theory posits that white male leading actors between the ages of 20 and 40 are the most discriminated against group of people in cinema (aside from women over 35, blacks, asians, and Eskimos).
Basically, movies can use male leads who can believably play teenagers, and they can use male leads who are manly men who have been around the block, but they have no use for these same men when they're in their 20's and 30's.
There are many great examples which I have discussed before - Jason Bateman and Patrick Dempsey being the poster boys for the 20/40 theory. Bateman and Dempsey were amazing young actors, and they are amazing actors now. So what the hell happened to them during the '90's?!
I'll tell you what happened, the 20/40 rule went into effect.
So I was watching Kelly Live! this morning (calm down, I wasn't really watching it, when I turned the TV on it was on ABC and I was too slow to turn it to Saved by the Bell) and Josh Brolin was being interviewed. Seth Meyers was the guest host and they were talking about how Brolin has hosted SNL twice now.
Hold the damn phone for a minute. Brolin has hosted SNL twice recently? Well that only means one thing: Josh Brolin is sort of famous again.
I immediately realized that Josh Brolin deserved a spot in my hallowed 20/40 Hall of Fame.
Think about it: Josh Brolin was in fucking Goonies! What was that? The mid-'80's?
I honestly can't tell you what Josh Brolin did between 1985 and his role in No Country for Old Men. He could've been kidnapped for all we know. 20 years of his acting life was essentially worthless.
The fact is America had no use for a fresh faced, 30 year old Josh Brolin. Too old to be a teen, too young to be a real man. But now that he's turned into some kind of freakish small armed, giant headed weathered older man, we can't get enough of him.
So congratulations, Josh Brolin, you are allowed to work in Hollywood again. I'm raising your retarded body to the rafters tonight, and no one can take that away from you.
Basically, movies can use male leads who can believably play teenagers, and they can use male leads who are manly men who have been around the block, but they have no use for these same men when they're in their 20's and 30's.
There are many great examples which I have discussed before - Jason Bateman and Patrick Dempsey being the poster boys for the 20/40 theory. Bateman and Dempsey were amazing young actors, and they are amazing actors now. So what the hell happened to them during the '90's?!
I'll tell you what happened, the 20/40 rule went into effect.
So I was watching Kelly Live! this morning (calm down, I wasn't really watching it, when I turned the TV on it was on ABC and I was too slow to turn it to Saved by the Bell) and Josh Brolin was being interviewed. Seth Meyers was the guest host and they were talking about how Brolin has hosted SNL twice now.
Hold the damn phone for a minute. Brolin has hosted SNL twice recently? Well that only means one thing: Josh Brolin is sort of famous again.
I immediately realized that Josh Brolin deserved a spot in my hallowed 20/40 Hall of Fame.
Think about it: Josh Brolin was in fucking Goonies! What was that? The mid-'80's?
I honestly can't tell you what Josh Brolin did between 1985 and his role in No Country for Old Men. He could've been kidnapped for all we know. 20 years of his acting life was essentially worthless.
The fact is America had no use for a fresh faced, 30 year old Josh Brolin. Too old to be a teen, too young to be a real man. But now that he's turned into some kind of freakish small armed, giant headed weathered older man, we can't get enough of him.
So congratulations, Josh Brolin, you are allowed to work in Hollywood again. I'm raising your retarded body to the rafters tonight, and no one can take that away from you.
Monday, 21 May 2012
And we're back to a 2 hour running time. Yippee.
A lot of people were noting Emily's appearance. It's confusing, she looks like how a 45 year old rich housewife tries to look, but she still sorta looks 45. Regardless, that's not gonna be a pretty picture in a few years.
Did you know that Emily is filming this in Charlotte so she could stay close to little Ricki? Well, she is and don't you forget it. But if you do, you will be reminded again.
The first date is a one on one with Ryan. He has that weird haircut that's like an intentional alfalfa. It's like he's compensating for the lack of hair in front with more hair in the middle. It's a mid-mullet.
Emily assumes that because of Brad, all relationships with men who are good looking are doomed to fail. By that logic, every relationship she has with someone on a TV show are doomed to fail, so she might be onto something.
This fake date is about Ricki playing soccer, and they need to make cookies for the team. I'm sensing a horrific theme here that will no doubt be played throughout the season. "Now we have a parent/teacher conference cause Little Ricki flunked her finals".
Emily is a "protective mama", so Ryan is not allowed to meet Ricki yet. Allowed to meet her: every single pervert watching TV right now.
Ryan says this is awesome because she's not "putting on a show" for him. Well, unless you count the show she's putting on.
Ryan likes how Emily is "just being herself" as she pulls up in an Aston Martin provided by the show. They go to dinner and for some reason there is a red carpet and a bunch of "fans" taking their picture. Maybe if they didn't put out that red carpet they could've avoided all of that publicity.
Ryan says a weird thing about only liking girls that he has to chase for a long time. Yeah, who wants someone that actually likes you? Hunting them down and imposing your will on them seems like the true love way to go.
Emily wants a guy who will come in and be the boss. She must be a Republican. Ryan tells Emily she was most attractive "in the kitchen". We have a match! End the show now.
Emily worries that Ryan is "too perfect". Just like Jake Pavelka! That was his problem too.
There's another weird sequence where they both start talking in southern accents and double entendres about "the chase" and Ryan keeps asking "can ya run? can ya run?". I might need someone from the south to interpret this show for me. I don't speak hillbilly.
Uh oh, and proving it, some country act does a performance for them and I have no idea who they are. It might be either Big or Rich, not sure. He kinda looks short so maybe it's rich. And there's a lady there, that's gotta be Lady Antebellum.
Group date. They're putting on a variety show for Emily's charity. And they're doing it with the Muppets. I have to admit, I don't get the muppets. Never been a fan. Deal with it, Jason Segel!
Some guys have to sing, some have to dance, and three of them have to do standup comedy. Charlie, the head injury guy, is hating this. He's not a fan of public speaking and is shitting bricks. "It really struck fear in my heart". You know what strikes fear in my heart? Getting a head injury.
Maybe Charlie just watched the last Bachelorette and wisely noted that doing comedy is a road to disaster.
Charlie nervously talks with Emily, and tells her he can't do it, "I have a speech problem". Honestly, it's heart breaking. I'm sad for him. On the other hand, this earns him a rose this week and a quiet dismissal the next. He's damaged goods.
Funny moment with the Justin Bieber guy where he talks with Kermit like Kermit is a real life person and his bro. "All right, man, see ya later".
Then we have an embarrassing bit where Kermit zips Emily up and Miss Piggy gets jealous. Is this show Emily's acting reel?
I have some readers in the Charlotte area, so I'll ask them: did you guys go to this show? Tell us how awkward it was...
Is this a commercial for The Muppets DVD or something? I'm feeling Leap Listy.
I hate all of this. And then they do a Miss Piggy talk show and for some reason Charlie gets stuck being one of the guests. He does okay, I guess. I don't know what I was expecting, but squeezing a rabbit to death was part of it.
Hey ABC, I didn't watch The Muppet movie for a reason. This is the worst.
And then, Steve Zahn gets on the stage...oh wait, that's not Steve Zahn on the stage, that's little Ricki! You could see how I'd get confused...
Emily says she's so glad she could help out "one of my favorite charities". It's her charity!
Later that night - and I mean much later, the Muppets went on forever - they all hang out. Chris gets alone time, and Emily says the thing she likes about him is that he is "so good looking". Really? This guy? He's got no lips. I don't get it. She says he's so attractive but he's not the kind of guy who is like "hey look at me". Yeah, cause he knows that would be embarrassing cause he's not good looking.
Emily is frustrated by Jef (Bieber) because he's not giving her enough attention. Hey, I'm a fan of that strategy. He's Courtney-ing her! I would say he knows what he's doing but look at that stupid hair.
Kalon interrupts Stevie's alone time, and gets Emily to himself. And then Kalon is interrupted by Aaron. Kalon demands 2 more minutes and the guy won't let him have it. Nice. I never understand people who think they're more entitled than anyone else. Oh, it's YOUR alone time, that makes it different. Shut up, Kalon.
Who gets the rose? Jef. The guy who wanted nothing to do with her all day. Yay women!
Final date. It's a one on one with Joe, who Emily thinks looks like Mathew McConaughey. Well, he sorta has his hair, I guess. But it's much better to have McConaughey's face than his hair. The hair is the worst part of McConaughey!
The Bachelor Jet. And Emily announces to Joe that they are headed to beautiful, scenic, tropical West Virginia! This season is brought to you by the guys from Deliverance. I forget, is Emily's last name Hatfield or McCoy?
Back at the house, the guys talk about the possibility of being a dad. Kalon tells Doug, who has a kid, that he put "being a father on hold". This leads to an argument. And it's really funny because Doug gets pissed, and angrily explains that when he had his kid he gave up every dream he ever had. Ha! How does that feel, Doug's son? Dear old Dad never put being a father on hold, in fact, he gave up any shred of happiness he could've had just because you were born.
Emily and Joe go to some weird hotel in West Virginia. Joe seems like a happy go lucky chap, without an ounce of personality. You know how Jef successfully played the disinterested rogue? That goes against every fiber of Joe's boring being.
I'd love to know how the pre-interviews go with a guy like this. He has nothing to say. At one point Emily asks him a hard question and he goes "um, well, what do you think?"
And very appropriately, Emily decides to not give him a rose. She cries all the way through it. Oh boy, this is gonna be a very interesting season because she is totally not cut out for this.
It was weird to watch last season as Ben just became a complete dick, and would coldly brush people off. I don't think Emily is going to develop that mean streak. If you actually care about tossing aside Joe, then it's only going to get worse.
They could make this show way better if they made Emily and Joe fly home together in silent awkwardness. That would be worth the 2 hours, and we wouldn't need fucking Muppets.
Ari - the race car driver who didn't get a date - looks like a mess. It's like his head is on crooked. He asks Emily what her hobbies are, and Emily says she spends so much time with Ricki and her activities that she hasn't figured out what her interests are. Yikes. Run!
At the cocktail party, the guys get mad at Ryan for getting alone time because he already has a rose. Tony goes to intercede just as Ryan hands Emily a letter he wrote. She is then forced to read it as Tony stands there awkwardly. Judging from Emily's lack of interests, this might be the first time she's ever read anything.
Tony stands there for 15 MINUTES while she reads. Jesus. Ryan is a jackass. Tony diffuses it as best he can...by professing his love for the Muppets. But this nicely segues into him revealing the existence of his son.
By the way, there's a lot of talk about these guys being ready to be a dad to Emily's kid. I wouldn't be so sure Emily would want a guy with a kid. I could see her thinking that was yucky, especially since no kid could be as pure and sweet as little Stevie Zahn.
Kalon is a huge weirdo. After he talks to Emily he tells the guys that he is "mentally refreshed".
Wolf has a rule: "if you have Louis Vitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're a dick." Classic Wolf.
There are a few guys who have not spoken a word this episode, I'll name them during the...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
KALON - this will end badly
ARI - did you know he's a race car driver?
MICHAEL - did not say a single word. He has long hair, that's all I know.
NATE - also did not say a single word.
SEAN - he's one of the Kalon haters in the house
CHRIS - I can barely look at the screen because he is so very good looking
DOUG - his life is without happiness, all because of having one stupid kid
TRAVIS - did not say a single word
TONY - poor Tony
WOLF - classic Wolf
ALESSANDRO - did not say a single word
CHARLIE - enjoy it while it lasts, she's never gonna forget that you just relearned to speak
ALEJANDRO - did not say a single word
STEVIE - the main Kalon hater in the house
Who was eliminated? I'm not sure. Aaron, who is wearing glasses now and looks like a different person. And Kyle, who only spoke this episode to detail Tony's humiliation. He claims his heart is broken, yet we saw no interaction between him and Emily.
Next week: Dolly Parton and Emily compare their (fake) tits. And Alessandro makes the biggest mistake of all: he finally says words.
A lot of people were noting Emily's appearance. It's confusing, she looks like how a 45 year old rich housewife tries to look, but she still sorta looks 45. Regardless, that's not gonna be a pretty picture in a few years.
Did you know that Emily is filming this in Charlotte so she could stay close to little Ricki? Well, she is and don't you forget it. But if you do, you will be reminded again.
The first date is a one on one with Ryan. He has that weird haircut that's like an intentional alfalfa. It's like he's compensating for the lack of hair in front with more hair in the middle. It's a mid-mullet.
Emily assumes that because of Brad, all relationships with men who are good looking are doomed to fail. By that logic, every relationship she has with someone on a TV show are doomed to fail, so she might be onto something.
This fake date is about Ricki playing soccer, and they need to make cookies for the team. I'm sensing a horrific theme here that will no doubt be played throughout the season. "Now we have a parent/teacher conference cause Little Ricki flunked her finals".
Emily is a "protective mama", so Ryan is not allowed to meet Ricki yet. Allowed to meet her: every single pervert watching TV right now.
Ryan says this is awesome because she's not "putting on a show" for him. Well, unless you count the show she's putting on.
Ryan likes how Emily is "just being herself" as she pulls up in an Aston Martin provided by the show. They go to dinner and for some reason there is a red carpet and a bunch of "fans" taking their picture. Maybe if they didn't put out that red carpet they could've avoided all of that publicity.
Ryan says a weird thing about only liking girls that he has to chase for a long time. Yeah, who wants someone that actually likes you? Hunting them down and imposing your will on them seems like the true love way to go.
Emily wants a guy who will come in and be the boss. She must be a Republican. Ryan tells Emily she was most attractive "in the kitchen". We have a match! End the show now.
Emily worries that Ryan is "too perfect". Just like Jake Pavelka! That was his problem too.
There's another weird sequence where they both start talking in southern accents and double entendres about "the chase" and Ryan keeps asking "can ya run? can ya run?". I might need someone from the south to interpret this show for me. I don't speak hillbilly.
Uh oh, and proving it, some country act does a performance for them and I have no idea who they are. It might be either Big or Rich, not sure. He kinda looks short so maybe it's rich. And there's a lady there, that's gotta be Lady Antebellum.
Group date. They're putting on a variety show for Emily's charity. And they're doing it with the Muppets. I have to admit, I don't get the muppets. Never been a fan. Deal with it, Jason Segel!
Some guys have to sing, some have to dance, and three of them have to do standup comedy. Charlie, the head injury guy, is hating this. He's not a fan of public speaking and is shitting bricks. "It really struck fear in my heart". You know what strikes fear in my heart? Getting a head injury.
Maybe Charlie just watched the last Bachelorette and wisely noted that doing comedy is a road to disaster.
Charlie nervously talks with Emily, and tells her he can't do it, "I have a speech problem". Honestly, it's heart breaking. I'm sad for him. On the other hand, this earns him a rose this week and a quiet dismissal the next. He's damaged goods.
Funny moment with the Justin Bieber guy where he talks with Kermit like Kermit is a real life person and his bro. "All right, man, see ya later".
Then we have an embarrassing bit where Kermit zips Emily up and Miss Piggy gets jealous. Is this show Emily's acting reel?
I have some readers in the Charlotte area, so I'll ask them: did you guys go to this show? Tell us how awkward it was...
Is this a commercial for The Muppets DVD or something? I'm feeling Leap Listy.
I hate all of this. And then they do a Miss Piggy talk show and for some reason Charlie gets stuck being one of the guests. He does okay, I guess. I don't know what I was expecting, but squeezing a rabbit to death was part of it.
Hey ABC, I didn't watch The Muppet movie for a reason. This is the worst.
And then, Steve Zahn gets on the stage...oh wait, that's not Steve Zahn on the stage, that's little Ricki! You could see how I'd get confused...
Emily says she's so glad she could help out "one of my favorite charities". It's her charity!
Later that night - and I mean much later, the Muppets went on forever - they all hang out. Chris gets alone time, and Emily says the thing she likes about him is that he is "so good looking". Really? This guy? He's got no lips. I don't get it. She says he's so attractive but he's not the kind of guy who is like "hey look at me". Yeah, cause he knows that would be embarrassing cause he's not good looking.
Emily is frustrated by Jef (Bieber) because he's not giving her enough attention. Hey, I'm a fan of that strategy. He's Courtney-ing her! I would say he knows what he's doing but look at that stupid hair.
Kalon interrupts Stevie's alone time, and gets Emily to himself. And then Kalon is interrupted by Aaron. Kalon demands 2 more minutes and the guy won't let him have it. Nice. I never understand people who think they're more entitled than anyone else. Oh, it's YOUR alone time, that makes it different. Shut up, Kalon.
Who gets the rose? Jef. The guy who wanted nothing to do with her all day. Yay women!
Final date. It's a one on one with Joe, who Emily thinks looks like Mathew McConaughey. Well, he sorta has his hair, I guess. But it's much better to have McConaughey's face than his hair. The hair is the worst part of McConaughey!
The Bachelor Jet. And Emily announces to Joe that they are headed to beautiful, scenic, tropical West Virginia! This season is brought to you by the guys from Deliverance. I forget, is Emily's last name Hatfield or McCoy?
Back at the house, the guys talk about the possibility of being a dad. Kalon tells Doug, who has a kid, that he put "being a father on hold". This leads to an argument. And it's really funny because Doug gets pissed, and angrily explains that when he had his kid he gave up every dream he ever had. Ha! How does that feel, Doug's son? Dear old Dad never put being a father on hold, in fact, he gave up any shred of happiness he could've had just because you were born.
Emily and Joe go to some weird hotel in West Virginia. Joe seems like a happy go lucky chap, without an ounce of personality. You know how Jef successfully played the disinterested rogue? That goes against every fiber of Joe's boring being.
I'd love to know how the pre-interviews go with a guy like this. He has nothing to say. At one point Emily asks him a hard question and he goes "um, well, what do you think?"
And very appropriately, Emily decides to not give him a rose. She cries all the way through it. Oh boy, this is gonna be a very interesting season because she is totally not cut out for this.
It was weird to watch last season as Ben just became a complete dick, and would coldly brush people off. I don't think Emily is going to develop that mean streak. If you actually care about tossing aside Joe, then it's only going to get worse.
They could make this show way better if they made Emily and Joe fly home together in silent awkwardness. That would be worth the 2 hours, and we wouldn't need fucking Muppets.
Ari - the race car driver who didn't get a date - looks like a mess. It's like his head is on crooked. He asks Emily what her hobbies are, and Emily says she spends so much time with Ricki and her activities that she hasn't figured out what her interests are. Yikes. Run!
At the cocktail party, the guys get mad at Ryan for getting alone time because he already has a rose. Tony goes to intercede just as Ryan hands Emily a letter he wrote. She is then forced to read it as Tony stands there awkwardly. Judging from Emily's lack of interests, this might be the first time she's ever read anything.
Tony stands there for 15 MINUTES while she reads. Jesus. Ryan is a jackass. Tony diffuses it as best he can...by professing his love for the Muppets. But this nicely segues into him revealing the existence of his son.
By the way, there's a lot of talk about these guys being ready to be a dad to Emily's kid. I wouldn't be so sure Emily would want a guy with a kid. I could see her thinking that was yucky, especially since no kid could be as pure and sweet as little Stevie Zahn.
Kalon is a huge weirdo. After he talks to Emily he tells the guys that he is "mentally refreshed".
Wolf has a rule: "if you have Louis Vitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're a dick." Classic Wolf.
There are a few guys who have not spoken a word this episode, I'll name them during the...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
KALON - this will end badly
ARI - did you know he's a race car driver?
MICHAEL - did not say a single word. He has long hair, that's all I know.
NATE - also did not say a single word.
SEAN - he's one of the Kalon haters in the house
CHRIS - I can barely look at the screen because he is so very good looking
DOUG - his life is without happiness, all because of having one stupid kid
TRAVIS - did not say a single word
TONY - poor Tony
WOLF - classic Wolf
ALESSANDRO - did not say a single word
CHARLIE - enjoy it while it lasts, she's never gonna forget that you just relearned to speak
ALEJANDRO - did not say a single word
STEVIE - the main Kalon hater in the house
Who was eliminated? I'm not sure. Aaron, who is wearing glasses now and looks like a different person. And Kyle, who only spoke this episode to detail Tony's humiliation. He claims his heart is broken, yet we saw no interaction between him and Emily.
Next week: Dolly Parton and Emily compare their (fake) tits. And Alessandro makes the biggest mistake of all: he finally says words.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
It's rare that I read a blog that makes me want to go back and read years and years of posts, but I've found one. I've spent hours of my time off reading the blog of a man named Earl Pomerantz.
Who is Earl Pomerantz? He's an old TV writer whose credits include Taxi, Cheers, The Cosby Show, and a million others. If you're interested in TV writing, there's nothing better than this blog. In particular, he does a "Story of a Writer" series, that details every step of his career in chronological order. I could not stop reading it, it starts here.
That's just the first installment, but when he gets into the Taxi and Cheers years it really takes off.
One story in particular really resonated with me. I'll tell the half baked version here, but you should really go read the real thing.
So Earl gets hired to be the showrunner for The Cosby Show in its first season, which is pretty incredible. Before the first taping, they do a bunch of read throughs, and everything is going great. Cosby is reading the lines, it's hilarious, and finally it's show day.
They had 2 tapings of the show with 2 different audiences, and then they're going to edit together the best stuff into one show. So the first taping begins, and Cosby suddenly isn't reading the lines as written anymore. He's ad libbing, he's saying his own stuff, he's all over the place. Some of it is working, a lot of it isn't. Even worse, it kinda fucks with the story if you don't say certain lines the way they're written.
In between shows, Earl and the director and some executives get together with Cosby in his dressing room to "give notes". Now, I've been in the situation many times - meeting with a stand up comedian on show night to give notes - and it is rough (though of course I've never done it at this level - Bill fucking Cosby!). There's something about show night that turns up the intensity and you're never sure how anyone is going to react.
You'd think comedians, who get up on stage every night of their lives, would be pretty comfortable with show night. But they're not. They're scared. They've got nerves. They do not respond well to last minute changes or notes of any kind. And you can tell, so it's hard to tell them what they need to hear for fear that they will jump out of the window or worse, throw you out of the window.
Anyway, they're in there with him and Cosby goes "any notes", and the director and execs are like "not really, that was fantastic!", just all kinds of kiss ass stuff.
Then Cosby turns to Earl, and goes "I want to hear what THIS GUY has to say".
Earl looks at him, and says, "I really wish you'd learn your lines".
Whoa!!!
The balls on this guy. Amazing. I wish I could do that.
Who is Earl Pomerantz? He's an old TV writer whose credits include Taxi, Cheers, The Cosby Show, and a million others. If you're interested in TV writing, there's nothing better than this blog. In particular, he does a "Story of a Writer" series, that details every step of his career in chronological order. I could not stop reading it, it starts here.
That's just the first installment, but when he gets into the Taxi and Cheers years it really takes off.
One story in particular really resonated with me. I'll tell the half baked version here, but you should really go read the real thing.
So Earl gets hired to be the showrunner for The Cosby Show in its first season, which is pretty incredible. Before the first taping, they do a bunch of read throughs, and everything is going great. Cosby is reading the lines, it's hilarious, and finally it's show day.
They had 2 tapings of the show with 2 different audiences, and then they're going to edit together the best stuff into one show. So the first taping begins, and Cosby suddenly isn't reading the lines as written anymore. He's ad libbing, he's saying his own stuff, he's all over the place. Some of it is working, a lot of it isn't. Even worse, it kinda fucks with the story if you don't say certain lines the way they're written.
In between shows, Earl and the director and some executives get together with Cosby in his dressing room to "give notes". Now, I've been in the situation many times - meeting with a stand up comedian on show night to give notes - and it is rough (though of course I've never done it at this level - Bill fucking Cosby!). There's something about show night that turns up the intensity and you're never sure how anyone is going to react.
You'd think comedians, who get up on stage every night of their lives, would be pretty comfortable with show night. But they're not. They're scared. They've got nerves. They do not respond well to last minute changes or notes of any kind. And you can tell, so it's hard to tell them what they need to hear for fear that they will jump out of the window or worse, throw you out of the window.
Anyway, they're in there with him and Cosby goes "any notes", and the director and execs are like "not really, that was fantastic!", just all kinds of kiss ass stuff.
Then Cosby turns to Earl, and goes "I want to hear what THIS GUY has to say".
Earl looks at him, and says, "I really wish you'd learn your lines".
Whoa!!!
The balls on this guy. Amazing. I wish I could do that.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
"Next year, ABC plans to air "Revenge" with fewer repeats. During his announcement of the Fall 2012 schedule on Tuesday morning, ABC TV president Paul Lee told the media that he intended to find a way to broadcast "Revenge" in a more continuous block next season.
"The intention is to have 'Revenge' absolutely do 22 episodes," he says. First of all, he intends to stagger the fall premieres so that each show can get a strong promotional push, a technique typically used by cable networks. "So stagger your launches, make sure you have room to do it, make sure you can throw a network behind it and support it, and not have as much clutter on your own network as you launch," Lee explains. "I think certainly you're not going to see as many repeats as you did last year."
Glad they're figuring this out. "Lost" was like 8 years ago, right?
"The intention is to have 'Revenge' absolutely do 22 episodes," he says. First of all, he intends to stagger the fall premieres so that each show can get a strong promotional push, a technique typically used by cable networks. "So stagger your launches, make sure you have room to do it, make sure you can throw a network behind it and support it, and not have as much clutter on your own network as you launch," Lee explains. "I think certainly you're not going to see as many repeats as you did last year."
Glad they're figuring this out. "Lost" was like 8 years ago, right?
Monday, 14 May 2012
Well, we wanted her a year ago, now we're like "eh" on her but whatever. After the soul crushing trifecta of Jillian, Ashley, and Ben we have to take what we can get.
This is the first season I've been excited for in awhile, but here's my concern: are these guys going to be fawning all over Emily, or behaving like actual men?
Jen Schefft's season was ruined by dudes who were just happy to be there and slobbering all over her. She hated all of them because they liked her way too much. There's a reason Ashley fell in love with Bentley, it's because he hated her. And also cause she was a God Damn moron.
I hope the producers picked guys who don't give a crap about Emily and never watched her season. Doubtful.
A 9:31 start time? Yes, please. I'd love to not have 2 hours every week, but I think this is gonna end after the Dancing with the Stars finale next week.
North Carolina. We meet Emily. And Ricki. Oh shit, is this going to be a Ricki centered season? Cause I love her, but she's sorta boring and puts the damper on hot tub/fantasy suite scenes.
In better news, Emily might have upgraded that boob job. They look enormous. And now they're pretending that Emily liked Brad. How embarrassing for everyone involved. She keeps reminding us that she's 26 years old like it's the oldest anyone has ever been.
Quick note: while Emily wasn't being the Bachelorette, she was going out with Jeremy Shockey of the Carolina Panthers. He's a giant dude with disgusting tats. Is that what she's in to?
Before the limousines pull up, we are introduced to a few of the bachelors.
There's a guy with glasses who doesn't want to be a womanizer anymore, a guy with an amazing body who also has a kid, and a guy who resembles a black guy. I'm serious!
There's an almost black guy on the show. Okay, he's actually black, maybe. See, you jerks, this show isn't racist. There's a black guy who stole Shemar Moore's eyebrows and is going to last 2 episodes. Get off their backs.
Bummer. There's a "singer/songwriter" who has written a bunch of songs about Emily. Please, no. Only frog voice should be allowed to sing on this show. And Wes. Love don't come easy!
There's a guy with a major head injury. I'm surprised he wasn't on Jillian's season, they could've matched wits.
Justin Bieber is on this season? Oh, no it's some guy who has even worse hair than him.
Ricki Maynard is the Alexa Ray Joel of reality TV.
You wanna make this the greatest season in Bachelorette history? The show ends with Emily turning down the final 2 guys, then turning to Chris Harrison, dropping to one knee, and proposing. You can't top that so don't even try.
Emily has a taste of the crazy eyes. Not good. Limo time:
SEAN, 28. He's a blonde insurance agent. Good height. Crazy dork.
DAVID, 33. The singer/songwriter, I can't wait to start hating this guy with all of you.
DOUG, 33. From Seattle. He's got a son and wisely immediately brings it up. Play to your strengths, Doug.
JACKSON, 29. A fitness model. You know what I say when someone tells me they are a fitness model? Fuck you, and then I run really fast because they might catch me cause they're good at fitness.
JOE, 27. From LA, Mr. Personality. He does a lot of dancing. He's trying to be the next Bob (for old school Bachelor fans).
ARIE, 30. He's a race car driver. We know Emily likes that. He's also an unattractive race car driver, so even better.
KYLE, 29. Financial Advisor from Long Beach.
Let's pause right here and let you know that every single guy, every one, has said some variation of "oh my God, Emily, you look AMAZING!". First, note that no one ever said that to Ben or Ashley or Jillian. Second, you see how easily you could stand out if you didn't mention her appearance at all, or said "is your hair doing something weird?". I'm telling you, that would be my strategy. Also, I'd be there to make friends.
CHRIS, 25. From Chicago, apparently forgot to bring his lips with him.
AARON, 36. Another guy from Long Beach. A high school teacher with a prepared lame line. All of these dudes seem so bland to me, no standouts.
ALESSANDRO, 30. He kind of looks like Brad, but with long hair and an ugly face.
JUSTIN BIEBER/JEF, 27. He's awful. But I'll say this, he's confident as shit. That's what it's gonna take.
LERONE, 29. The lone black. Settle in, buddy, it's going to be a great 2 week run.
STEVIE, 26. He's a "party MC", and brings a boom box and does some dance moves. Also, his name is Stevie.
CHARLIE, 32. Brain injury guy. He looks like Biff Tannen.
TONY, 31. He brings a slipper on a pillow. That's all that needs to be said.
RANDY, 30. This lame ass walks up pretending to be an old lady for some reason. And sadly, he's from Hermosa Beach. That can't be right. Time to round up the flip flops and torches and get that guy out of our fair beach town.
NATE, 25. An accountant from LA, and possibly the first good looking guy.
GREG, 41!!! I don't think so, old timer. She already has one dead husband, she doesn't need another.
JOHN "WOLF", 30. All of his friends call him Wolf.
TRAVIS, 30. He brought her an egg, because he "will take care of Emily and Ricki like I will take care of this egg". Why not just take care of Emily and Ricki? Won't the egg get in the way?
MICHAEL, 26. He has very long hair, and looks like Brian Williams daughter from Girls.
JEAN-PAUL, 35. It says he's from Seattle, but on ABC's website it said he's from Moraga, which is my hometown. Don't know him though. He's leaving tonight for sure.
ALEJANDRO, 24. He's from Medellin, Columbia so obviously a drug dealer and an extra in the Vinny Chase film. Emily shows off her awful white girl spanish. I love how Emily is pretending to not be racist.
RYAN, 31. A trainer with a really bad haircut. I mean, really bad. My friend O'Brien texts me at this moment to say "every haircut from the Goo Goo Dolls is represented this season".
Uh, oh, Bachelor Copter alert! This is a first. It usually only shows up on episode 2. The question: who is arriving via helicopter? Is it Brad? Is it Bentley? Nope, it's...
KALON, 27. He thinks highly of himself, but really isn't that great. All of the guys hate him and so does America.
And those are your men. We are all disappointed - not a star in the bunch.
Chris tells Emily that there's a first impression rose, but with this shortened episode, it's also a last impression rose. You can really tell how sped up this one is, with setting up Emily and meeting 25 guys, an hour and a half just isn't enough. And I can't believe I'm saying that.
Emily says that she likes Chris, the serial killer seeming guy who doesn't have any lips. I wish I had kept an "amazing" count, cause it's up there. Like, "guard and protect your heart" levels.
Doug's kid wrote Emily a letter, and it is long. It's 18 pages...FRONT AND BACK! Jesus, someone get an editor for that kid.
Some guy says to Travis: "do you think that the Grandma thing was enough?" Ha! Yeah, the dressing up as a grandma totally clinched it for him. What girl could turn that down?
The guys are all starting to gather in their hatred of Kalon, led by MC Stevie.
First impression rose goes to... Doug, the guy with the chatty kid. I guess it does, it really, really does (these are "friends" jokes, everyone. I apologize, but if you know friends, they're "amazing").
Oh, and now the rose ceremony is happening immediately after the first impression rose. I seem to be the only one bothered by this.
It should be noted that the black guy did not speak with Emily - I think she made the producers keep him away from her. It doesn't speak well for ABC that this whole episode is taking place on a plantation.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
CHRIS - he kinda looks like Bradley Cooper's stalker brother
RYAN - bad hairdo
KALON - overly confident guy
ARIE - the race car driver
CHARLIE - head-wound Harry
JEF - I bet he wants to sit by the fire while they eat fondue
NATE - I've been told he's the only who is good looking
SEAN - the saddest "first guy out of the limo" ever
JOE - the dancing "personality" guy, we saw none of it at the shortened cocktail party
KYLE - never seen him before
AARON - who? This is edited so much faster than normal it's insane!!! I can't keep up right now.
ALEJANDRO - at first I thought she mispronounced it and meant Alessandro because she's never spoken to a Mexican before, and then I realized that there's an Alessandro AND an Alejandro. Lady Gaga loves this pick.
JOHN - oh, you mean Wolf?
ALESSANDRO - I bet my theory was right and got the two Alejandro/Alessandro's confused
MICHAEL - The only cute one in the show Girls. MC STEVIE - wow, upset special
TONY - yikes!
Harrison says "gentleman, Emily, it's the final rose of the night, and I have to go sleep with someone who isn't my wife"...
TRAVIS - the egg worked!
And sorry, black guy, you didn't even get the token 2nd week elimination. Brutal, but we are in the deep south. I can't believe the 41 year old with 6 kids didn't get picked. I thought he was joking when he said the 6 kids thing earlier, but no, he really has them. Might not want to lead with that next time.
This season on The Bachelorette... Emily allows these idiots to kiss her, Ricki annoys everyone, someone isn't there for the right reasons, Emily tells someone to "get the fuck out!", everyone cries, and Dolly Parton shows off her latest face.
Disappointed with the guys, but that was expected. Goodnight!
This is the first season I've been excited for in awhile, but here's my concern: are these guys going to be fawning all over Emily, or behaving like actual men?
Jen Schefft's season was ruined by dudes who were just happy to be there and slobbering all over her. She hated all of them because they liked her way too much. There's a reason Ashley fell in love with Bentley, it's because he hated her. And also cause she was a God Damn moron.
I hope the producers picked guys who don't give a crap about Emily and never watched her season. Doubtful.
A 9:31 start time? Yes, please. I'd love to not have 2 hours every week, but I think this is gonna end after the Dancing with the Stars finale next week.
North Carolina. We meet Emily. And Ricki. Oh shit, is this going to be a Ricki centered season? Cause I love her, but she's sorta boring and puts the damper on hot tub/fantasy suite scenes.
In better news, Emily might have upgraded that boob job. They look enormous. And now they're pretending that Emily liked Brad. How embarrassing for everyone involved. She keeps reminding us that she's 26 years old like it's the oldest anyone has ever been.
Quick note: while Emily wasn't being the Bachelorette, she was going out with Jeremy Shockey of the Carolina Panthers. He's a giant dude with disgusting tats. Is that what she's in to?
Before the limousines pull up, we are introduced to a few of the bachelors.
There's a guy with glasses who doesn't want to be a womanizer anymore, a guy with an amazing body who also has a kid, and a guy who resembles a black guy. I'm serious!
There's an almost black guy on the show. Okay, he's actually black, maybe. See, you jerks, this show isn't racist. There's a black guy who stole Shemar Moore's eyebrows and is going to last 2 episodes. Get off their backs.
Bummer. There's a "singer/songwriter" who has written a bunch of songs about Emily. Please, no. Only frog voice should be allowed to sing on this show. And Wes. Love don't come easy!
There's a guy with a major head injury. I'm surprised he wasn't on Jillian's season, they could've matched wits.
Justin Bieber is on this season? Oh, no it's some guy who has even worse hair than him.
Ricki Maynard is the Alexa Ray Joel of reality TV.
You wanna make this the greatest season in Bachelorette history? The show ends with Emily turning down the final 2 guys, then turning to Chris Harrison, dropping to one knee, and proposing. You can't top that so don't even try.
Emily has a taste of the crazy eyes. Not good. Limo time:
SEAN, 28. He's a blonde insurance agent. Good height. Crazy dork.
DAVID, 33. The singer/songwriter, I can't wait to start hating this guy with all of you.
DOUG, 33. From Seattle. He's got a son and wisely immediately brings it up. Play to your strengths, Doug.
JACKSON, 29. A fitness model. You know what I say when someone tells me they are a fitness model? Fuck you, and then I run really fast because they might catch me cause they're good at fitness.
JOE, 27. From LA, Mr. Personality. He does a lot of dancing. He's trying to be the next Bob (for old school Bachelor fans).
ARIE, 30. He's a race car driver. We know Emily likes that. He's also an unattractive race car driver, so even better.
KYLE, 29. Financial Advisor from Long Beach.
Let's pause right here and let you know that every single guy, every one, has said some variation of "oh my God, Emily, you look AMAZING!". First, note that no one ever said that to Ben or Ashley or Jillian. Second, you see how easily you could stand out if you didn't mention her appearance at all, or said "is your hair doing something weird?". I'm telling you, that would be my strategy. Also, I'd be there to make friends.
CHRIS, 25. From Chicago, apparently forgot to bring his lips with him.
AARON, 36. Another guy from Long Beach. A high school teacher with a prepared lame line. All of these dudes seem so bland to me, no standouts.
ALESSANDRO, 30. He kind of looks like Brad, but with long hair and an ugly face.
JUSTIN BIEBER/JEF, 27. He's awful. But I'll say this, he's confident as shit. That's what it's gonna take.
LERONE, 29. The lone black. Settle in, buddy, it's going to be a great 2 week run.
STEVIE, 26. He's a "party MC", and brings a boom box and does some dance moves. Also, his name is Stevie.
CHARLIE, 32. Brain injury guy. He looks like Biff Tannen.
TONY, 31. He brings a slipper on a pillow. That's all that needs to be said.
RANDY, 30. This lame ass walks up pretending to be an old lady for some reason. And sadly, he's from Hermosa Beach. That can't be right. Time to round up the flip flops and torches and get that guy out of our fair beach town.
NATE, 25. An accountant from LA, and possibly the first good looking guy.
GREG, 41!!! I don't think so, old timer. She already has one dead husband, she doesn't need another.
JOHN "WOLF", 30. All of his friends call him Wolf.
TRAVIS, 30. He brought her an egg, because he "will take care of Emily and Ricki like I will take care of this egg". Why not just take care of Emily and Ricki? Won't the egg get in the way?
MICHAEL, 26. He has very long hair, and looks like Brian Williams daughter from Girls.
JEAN-PAUL, 35. It says he's from Seattle, but on ABC's website it said he's from Moraga, which is my hometown. Don't know him though. He's leaving tonight for sure.
ALEJANDRO, 24. He's from Medellin, Columbia so obviously a drug dealer and an extra in the Vinny Chase film. Emily shows off her awful white girl spanish. I love how Emily is pretending to not be racist.
RYAN, 31. A trainer with a really bad haircut. I mean, really bad. My friend O'Brien texts me at this moment to say "every haircut from the Goo Goo Dolls is represented this season".
Uh, oh, Bachelor Copter alert! This is a first. It usually only shows up on episode 2. The question: who is arriving via helicopter? Is it Brad? Is it Bentley? Nope, it's...
KALON, 27. He thinks highly of himself, but really isn't that great. All of the guys hate him and so does America.
And those are your men. We are all disappointed - not a star in the bunch.
Chris tells Emily that there's a first impression rose, but with this shortened episode, it's also a last impression rose. You can really tell how sped up this one is, with setting up Emily and meeting 25 guys, an hour and a half just isn't enough. And I can't believe I'm saying that.
Emily says that she likes Chris, the serial killer seeming guy who doesn't have any lips. I wish I had kept an "amazing" count, cause it's up there. Like, "guard and protect your heart" levels.
Doug's kid wrote Emily a letter, and it is long. It's 18 pages...FRONT AND BACK! Jesus, someone get an editor for that kid.
Some guy says to Travis: "do you think that the Grandma thing was enough?" Ha! Yeah, the dressing up as a grandma totally clinched it for him. What girl could turn that down?
The guys are all starting to gather in their hatred of Kalon, led by MC Stevie.
First impression rose goes to... Doug, the guy with the chatty kid. I guess it does, it really, really does (these are "friends" jokes, everyone. I apologize, but if you know friends, they're "amazing").
Oh, and now the rose ceremony is happening immediately after the first impression rose. I seem to be the only one bothered by this.
It should be noted that the black guy did not speak with Emily - I think she made the producers keep him away from her. It doesn't speak well for ABC that this whole episode is taking place on a plantation.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
CHRIS - he kinda looks like Bradley Cooper's stalker brother
RYAN - bad hairdo
KALON - overly confident guy
ARIE - the race car driver
CHARLIE - head-wound Harry
JEF - I bet he wants to sit by the fire while they eat fondue
NATE - I've been told he's the only who is good looking
SEAN - the saddest "first guy out of the limo" ever
JOE - the dancing "personality" guy, we saw none of it at the shortened cocktail party
KYLE - never seen him before
AARON - who? This is edited so much faster than normal it's insane!!! I can't keep up right now.
ALEJANDRO - at first I thought she mispronounced it and meant Alessandro because she's never spoken to a Mexican before, and then I realized that there's an Alessandro AND an Alejandro. Lady Gaga loves this pick.
JOHN - oh, you mean Wolf?
ALESSANDRO - I bet my theory was right and got the two Alejandro/Alessandro's confused
MICHAEL - The only cute one in the show Girls. MC STEVIE - wow, upset special
TONY - yikes!
Harrison says "gentleman, Emily, it's the final rose of the night, and I have to go sleep with someone who isn't my wife"...
TRAVIS - the egg worked!
And sorry, black guy, you didn't even get the token 2nd week elimination. Brutal, but we are in the deep south. I can't believe the 41 year old with 6 kids didn't get picked. I thought he was joking when he said the 6 kids thing earlier, but no, he really has them. Might not want to lead with that next time.
This season on The Bachelorette... Emily allows these idiots to kiss her, Ricki annoys everyone, someone isn't there for the right reasons, Emily tells someone to "get the fuck out!", everyone cries, and Dolly Parton shows off her latest face.
Disappointed with the guys, but that was expected. Goodnight!
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Friday, 11 May 2012
Thursday, 10 May 2012
In my post the other day about Mad Men and licensing music I forgot to talk about MTV. MTV has a huge advantage over everyone else because they get to use pretty much any music they want. Why? Because of their bullshit status as "music television".
I think because they used to show videos, they made some deal where they're just allowed to use any music they want over any of their shows. Pretty crazy. Especially when you watch almost any other cable network, and you hear the sad, imitation cheap music in their show's library.
And also when you remember the fact that MTV doesn't even show videos anymore. They are getting with murder. Music murder.
I can't believe I forgot to write about this because it just so happens that in my time off I watch Saved by the Bell every morning on MTV2. I don't even watch for the show, I watch for the commercials about the show. Because MTV2 has these fantastic Saved by the Bell commercials that I have seen a thousand times and want to see a thousand more times.
They prove the power of music.
They take a crappy show (Saved by the Bell), put an awesome song over it, and make that show awesome. The proof:
If you don't like that commercial, then here's some advice: never read this blog again, cause we clearly have nothing in common.
This has inspired imitations, and they are all good:
If I wasn't lazy, I would make a whole series of "awesome music over bad TV" videos. But alas, I've gotta get back to pretending to write screenplays.
I think because they used to show videos, they made some deal where they're just allowed to use any music they want over any of their shows. Pretty crazy. Especially when you watch almost any other cable network, and you hear the sad, imitation cheap music in their show's library.
And also when you remember the fact that MTV doesn't even show videos anymore. They are getting with murder. Music murder.
I can't believe I forgot to write about this because it just so happens that in my time off I watch Saved by the Bell every morning on MTV2. I don't even watch for the show, I watch for the commercials about the show. Because MTV2 has these fantastic Saved by the Bell commercials that I have seen a thousand times and want to see a thousand more times.
They prove the power of music.
They take a crappy show (Saved by the Bell), put an awesome song over it, and make that show awesome. The proof:
If you don't like that commercial, then here's some advice: never read this blog again, cause we clearly have nothing in common.
This has inspired imitations, and they are all good:
If I wasn't lazy, I would make a whole series of "awesome music over bad TV" videos. But alas, I've gotta get back to pretending to write screenplays.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Monday, 7 May 2012
I love Mad Men. But I think I love it at a dumb person's level, and that's what makes the show so great: there are a lot of levels on which to enjoy it.
I read about the symbolism and the themes, and for the most part I don't know what people are talking about. I just enjoy it as entertainment. But I'm glad that it's working in more than just one way.
What's more impressive is that we are in season 5 and things are as strong as ever. The truth is I hated the whole Dick Whitman thing. I also hate January Jones. So the last two seasons, with more office stuff and less Betty, has been pure candy for me.
There's an urge to be artsy for artsy sake, and slow for artsy sake. But this show has not worried about that, and has gone for more funny lines and moments lately, and I greatly appreciate it cause that's what I like.
Of course, it's the great Roger Sterling that is delivering a lot of the comedy. I love this man. Interestingly, I first remember seeing him on the show "Ed". And I hated his guts. He was just so...smug. And now he's like my favorite guy on TV. Acting! Genius!
And now a word about The Beatles.
The big news from Sunday's episode was that they used a Beatles song. This basically never happens because it's so expensive to license music like that. Reportedly, they were able to get the Beatles song for $250k. It's kinda sad because great music can add so much to a scene or sequence. But it's just too much cash for most TV shows to pony up.
This is of great interest to me because licensing music has been a thorn in my ass for many years now. There are so many times when we wanted to use a song on whatever show I was working on and we just couldn't do it. Even dumb, bad songs seem to start at $25k.
People constantly send me things and say "you have to use this on the show!" and it has a Michael Jackson song or whatever on it. There isn't a lot of awareness of the fact that you just can't do that.
So if you're wondering why we never used your "fat guy dancing to Beyonce" clip, that's why.
P.S. What happened to Mr. Belding's head?
I read about the symbolism and the themes, and for the most part I don't know what people are talking about. I just enjoy it as entertainment. But I'm glad that it's working in more than just one way.
What's more impressive is that we are in season 5 and things are as strong as ever. The truth is I hated the whole Dick Whitman thing. I also hate January Jones. So the last two seasons, with more office stuff and less Betty, has been pure candy for me.
There's an urge to be artsy for artsy sake, and slow for artsy sake. But this show has not worried about that, and has gone for more funny lines and moments lately, and I greatly appreciate it cause that's what I like.
Of course, it's the great Roger Sterling that is delivering a lot of the comedy. I love this man. Interestingly, I first remember seeing him on the show "Ed". And I hated his guts. He was just so...smug. And now he's like my favorite guy on TV. Acting! Genius!
And now a word about The Beatles.
The big news from Sunday's episode was that they used a Beatles song. This basically never happens because it's so expensive to license music like that. Reportedly, they were able to get the Beatles song for $250k. It's kinda sad because great music can add so much to a scene or sequence. But it's just too much cash for most TV shows to pony up.
This is of great interest to me because licensing music has been a thorn in my ass for many years now. There are so many times when we wanted to use a song on whatever show I was working on and we just couldn't do it. Even dumb, bad songs seem to start at $25k.
People constantly send me things and say "you have to use this on the show!" and it has a Michael Jackson song or whatever on it. There isn't a lot of awareness of the fact that you just can't do that.
So if you're wondering why we never used your "fat guy dancing to Beyonce" clip, that's why.
P.S. What happened to Mr. Belding's head?
Friday, 4 May 2012
I've written a lot of screenplays in my day. I'm not sure how many, but I know how many I've sold on spec: zero.
It's frustrating, obviously. But that's the business. I'm not exactly sure what has kept me going with this. It takes a ton of time and energy to write a feature script. And then to come away with absolutely nothing, it beats you down. And yet, I do it.
I think it's because it's the type of job I always imagined having. I don't like going into an office. I like staying in my sweatpants at home. And to keep that dream alive, I've continually forced myself to keep writing them through disappointment after disappointment.
In my twenties, I knew it would be tough but not impossible. In my thirties, I realized it is impossible.
But you're saying there's a chance!
No, I'm not! But I don't care, for some reason, I have to try just in case a miracle happens.
The funny thing is, when I was in my twenties and had hope, I really shouldn't have. I was much further from having any kind of chance back then. But ignorance was bliss.
Back then there was no Team Handleman. Now I have people I can actually hand it to so they can pretend to do things.
However, I realized that having some guy who represents sketch writers wasn't that helpful either. But recently something fortuitous happened...
My agent decided to become a manager.
He joined a management company that just happened to have a couple of feature managers who sell a shitload of spec scripts. Of course, shit load in this economy means 3, but still...
So I met with them. And although I was kinda forced on them by my agent (now manager), they were nice to me. My agent brought up that I had written a screenplay, and would they like to read it?
Before they could answer, I answered for them: NO!
Although I liked the script he was talking about, I didn't want them to read it. I could tell by the reaction I was getting from the script that it wasn't the big idea, big game changer that was going to fast track me into Shane Black Land.
Unbeknownst to them, I had concocted a strategy of my own: For the first time in my career, I would write a brand new movie "the right way".
Instead of giving them a script cold, a script they had nothing to do with from a guy they had nothing to do with, I would start from the beginning. I offered this proposal:
I am going to email you some ideas, I encourage you to say no to these ideas. At that point, I will send you more ideas. If, and only if, you love one of these ideas, will I then put forth some effort to start writing it, including you throughout the process.
They liked this idea. Of course they did. It didn't involve them having to read a 110 page script! Plus, they could actually influence what I was doing, thus giving them another reason to give it a chance.
I've learned again and again in my career that your ideas have a much better chance of succeeding if the people in charge think they came up with them, or at least, had something to do with creating them.
So that's what I did. I sent them ideas, and they liked one of them. I wrote an outline. They had notes. I fixed the outline. They liked it. And now I'm writing the script.
I call this the right way of doing things. Why? Because writing them on my own, with no help or judgement from anyone else, was most definitely the wrong way cause it never worked.
That's where I'm at. In the middle of writing this shit. And suddenly, there's pressure. Cause people are involved. I can't abandon ship, as much as I want to. That's probably a good thing. So I really hope I figure that Act 2 problem out.
Maybe next week I will share with you the idea of that other script I wrote that I wouldn't let them read. Cause I really think it's great. At least to me. Don't feel bad when you don't like it, no one else does either...
It's frustrating, obviously. But that's the business. I'm not exactly sure what has kept me going with this. It takes a ton of time and energy to write a feature script. And then to come away with absolutely nothing, it beats you down. And yet, I do it.
I think it's because it's the type of job I always imagined having. I don't like going into an office. I like staying in my sweatpants at home. And to keep that dream alive, I've continually forced myself to keep writing them through disappointment after disappointment.
In my twenties, I knew it would be tough but not impossible. In my thirties, I realized it is impossible.
But you're saying there's a chance!
No, I'm not! But I don't care, for some reason, I have to try just in case a miracle happens.
The funny thing is, when I was in my twenties and had hope, I really shouldn't have. I was much further from having any kind of chance back then. But ignorance was bliss.
Back then there was no Team Handleman. Now I have people I can actually hand it to so they can pretend to do things.
However, I realized that having some guy who represents sketch writers wasn't that helpful either. But recently something fortuitous happened...
My agent decided to become a manager.
He joined a management company that just happened to have a couple of feature managers who sell a shitload of spec scripts. Of course, shit load in this economy means 3, but still...
So I met with them. And although I was kinda forced on them by my agent (now manager), they were nice to me. My agent brought up that I had written a screenplay, and would they like to read it?
Before they could answer, I answered for them: NO!
Although I liked the script he was talking about, I didn't want them to read it. I could tell by the reaction I was getting from the script that it wasn't the big idea, big game changer that was going to fast track me into Shane Black Land.
Unbeknownst to them, I had concocted a strategy of my own: For the first time in my career, I would write a brand new movie "the right way".
Instead of giving them a script cold, a script they had nothing to do with from a guy they had nothing to do with, I would start from the beginning. I offered this proposal:
I am going to email you some ideas, I encourage you to say no to these ideas. At that point, I will send you more ideas. If, and only if, you love one of these ideas, will I then put forth some effort to start writing it, including you throughout the process.
They liked this idea. Of course they did. It didn't involve them having to read a 110 page script! Plus, they could actually influence what I was doing, thus giving them another reason to give it a chance.
I've learned again and again in my career that your ideas have a much better chance of succeeding if the people in charge think they came up with them, or at least, had something to do with creating them.
So that's what I did. I sent them ideas, and they liked one of them. I wrote an outline. They had notes. I fixed the outline. They liked it. And now I'm writing the script.
I call this the right way of doing things. Why? Because writing them on my own, with no help or judgement from anyone else, was most definitely the wrong way cause it never worked.
That's where I'm at. In the middle of writing this shit. And suddenly, there's pressure. Cause people are involved. I can't abandon ship, as much as I want to. That's probably a good thing. So I really hope I figure that Act 2 problem out.
Maybe next week I will share with you the idea of that other script I wrote that I wouldn't let them read. Cause I really think it's great. At least to me. Don't feel bad when you don't like it, no one else does either...
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Isn't it beautiful?
If I've gone to the cards then you know I'm struggling. When I was a youngster, I didn't need your stupid cards! I just churned that shit out in my head, in my head, Schwartz!
But now I'm older, and things come harder. But here's the thing, they usually come out better.
I always think, man, when I was younger I had so many more ideas! But then I go back and look at those ideas, and they're all awful.
Writing is supposed to be hard. If it wasn't, everyone in Hollywood would be doing it. Hold on, everyone in Hollywood is doing it. Okay, everyone would be paid to do it.
Fuck, it's hard. God Dammit. It really is. See that space right in the middle of the cards? That noticeable section that doesn't have any cards? Yeah, that's where most of Act 2 is supposed to be. For some reason, the powers that be keep expecting movies to have middles. Assholes.
This one is really a struggle. I don't know what's gonna happen but I'm trying my best to push through. I did the cards to help me fill in the blanks. So far, I got nothing.
I've written 2 versions of this thing, well over 200 pages total. That's depressing cause it still blows.
Tomorrow I'm going to talk about why I must press on with this because I'm trying to do it "the right way".
And yes, that is Banana Bonanza from Trader Joes up there.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
The book "Top of the Rock", about the glory days of NBC ('80's & '90's) came out on Monday. I didn't realize it when I bought it, but it's an oral history! And you know how big of a fan I am of that format.
I've been plowing through it and it is very enjoyable, which isn't surprising since I grew up during the time it covers and watched every single one of NBC's shows back then.
I've seen a lot of excerpts from the book in magazines and various websites. Well, I just got through the Seinfeld portion, and there's some good stuff that I haven't seen reported on. Here's one:
Jason Alexander hated acting with "Susan". He said their styles were a bad match and he couldn't stand doing scenes with her. He was pissed that the other cast members didn't understand what he was talking about because George and Susan's scenes were almost always just between the two of them.
Then one episode Susan had scenes with Jerry and Elaine. Afterwards, the three of them (Jason, Julia, and Jerry), and Larry went to eat together. Jerry brought up that Susan was kinda hard to act with. Alexander got upset, that's what I've been telling you!
Julia agreed, and said "I just want to kill her".
And that's when Larry got the idea to kill her off before she and George could get married, which they did with the shitty envelopes.
I was surprised at how candid Alexander was about the whole thing. It can't be good form to talk shit about people you work with, though he was clearly trying to be as nice as he could be. But still, pretty interesting.
Anyway, I recommend the book.
I've been plowing through it and it is very enjoyable, which isn't surprising since I grew up during the time it covers and watched every single one of NBC's shows back then.
I've seen a lot of excerpts from the book in magazines and various websites. Well, I just got through the Seinfeld portion, and there's some good stuff that I haven't seen reported on. Here's one:
Jason Alexander hated acting with "Susan". He said their styles were a bad match and he couldn't stand doing scenes with her. He was pissed that the other cast members didn't understand what he was talking about because George and Susan's scenes were almost always just between the two of them.
Then one episode Susan had scenes with Jerry and Elaine. Afterwards, the three of them (Jason, Julia, and Jerry), and Larry went to eat together. Jerry brought up that Susan was kinda hard to act with. Alexander got upset, that's what I've been telling you!
Julia agreed, and said "I just want to kill her".
And that's when Larry got the idea to kill her off before she and George could get married, which they did with the shitty envelopes.
I was surprised at how candid Alexander was about the whole thing. It can't be good form to talk shit about people you work with, though he was clearly trying to be as nice as he could be. But still, pretty interesting.
Anyway, I recommend the book.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Here's a Washington Post article about how it's time to face facts, the Republicans are the problem. It was co-written by a conservative and a liberal, and I couldn't agree with it more (obviously).
Here's this story from deadspin, which I am completely obsessed with, yet have no idea what it's about or what is going on. And here's an update on the story. There's going to be a lot more to come on this, and hopefully I'll be able to figure out just what the hell it all means.
For all my fellow Laker fans, here's a pretty good story on Andrew Bynum.
Here are the bachelors Emily gets to choose from. They don't look promising.
It's impossible not to laugh at this.
And finally, how did you celebrate We Killed Bin Laden Day?
Mine wasn't as festive as last year, because the big story at the start of this week was that President Obama had the audacity to bring up the fact that he made the call to kill Bin Laden last year. Apparently, he's not allowed to make this a campaign issue. Conservatives, and even some liberals, are pissed that the President would have the nerve to try and run on his record of achievements.
What a jerk!
Can you imagine if Bush had killed Bin Laden? Holy shit. That's probably the one thing that could make southerners stop reenacting the Civil War, because they'd reenact the Bin Laden killing. Bush would've landed a helicopter on a stack of Muslims in Guantanamo Bay in front of a banner that said "Osama Bin Gotten!"
It kills the Republicans that Obama killed Osama. They can't handle it. You mention it to them and they freak the fuck out. Sorry guys, but you didn't do it. Bush didn't get it done. He even said "I really just don't spend that much time thinking about him (Bin Laden), to be honest with you".
In 2007, Romney said, “It’s not worth moving heaven and earth spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person”.
How in the hell, if you're Barack Obama, do you not bring this up every second? You have to! It's called a Presidential campaign. Yeah, he's politicizing it. You know why? Cause he's a politician. It's the job.
Here's this story from deadspin, which I am completely obsessed with, yet have no idea what it's about or what is going on. And here's an update on the story. There's going to be a lot more to come on this, and hopefully I'll be able to figure out just what the hell it all means.
For all my fellow Laker fans, here's a pretty good story on Andrew Bynum.
Here are the bachelors Emily gets to choose from. They don't look promising.
It's impossible not to laugh at this.
And finally, how did you celebrate We Killed Bin Laden Day?
Mine wasn't as festive as last year, because the big story at the start of this week was that President Obama had the audacity to bring up the fact that he made the call to kill Bin Laden last year. Apparently, he's not allowed to make this a campaign issue. Conservatives, and even some liberals, are pissed that the President would have the nerve to try and run on his record of achievements.
What a jerk!
Can you imagine if Bush had killed Bin Laden? Holy shit. That's probably the one thing that could make southerners stop reenacting the Civil War, because they'd reenact the Bin Laden killing. Bush would've landed a helicopter on a stack of Muslims in Guantanamo Bay in front of a banner that said "Osama Bin Gotten!"
It kills the Republicans that Obama killed Osama. They can't handle it. You mention it to them and they freak the fuck out. Sorry guys, but you didn't do it. Bush didn't get it done. He even said "I really just don't spend that much time thinking about him (Bin Laden), to be honest with you".
In 2007, Romney said, “It’s not worth moving heaven and earth spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person”.
How in the hell, if you're Barack Obama, do you not bring this up every second? You have to! It's called a Presidential campaign. Yeah, he's politicizing it. You know why? Cause he's a politician. It's the job.
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