Emily the Bachelorette We Actually Wanted

Well, we wanted her a year ago, now we're like "eh" on her but whatever. After the soul crushing trifecta of Jillian, Ashley, and Ben we have to take what we can get.

This is the first season I've been excited for in awhile, but here's my concern: are these guys going to be fawning all over Emily, or behaving like actual men?

Jen Schefft's season was ruined by dudes who were just happy to be there and slobbering all over her. She hated all of them because they liked her way too much. There's a reason Ashley fell in love with Bentley, it's because he hated her. And also cause she was a God Damn moron.

I hope the producers picked guys who don't give a crap about Emily and never watched her season. Doubtful.

A 9:31 start time? Yes, please. I'd love to not have 2 hours every week, but I think this is gonna end after the Dancing with the Stars finale next week.

North Carolina. We meet Emily. And Ricki. Oh shit, is this going to be a Ricki centered season? Cause I love her, but she's sorta boring and puts the damper on hot tub/fantasy suite scenes.

In better news, Emily might have upgraded that boob job. They look enormous. And now they're pretending that Emily liked Brad. How embarrassing for everyone involved. She keeps reminding us that she's 26 years old like it's the oldest anyone has ever been.

Quick note: while Emily wasn't being the Bachelorette, she was going out with Jeremy Shockey of the Carolina Panthers. He's a giant dude with disgusting tats. Is that what she's in to?

Before the limousines pull up, we are introduced to a few of the bachelors.

 There's a guy with glasses who doesn't want to be a womanizer anymore, a guy with an amazing body who also has a kid, and a guy who resembles a black guy. I'm serious!

There's an almost black guy on the show. Okay, he's actually black, maybe. See, you jerks, this show isn't racist. There's a black guy who stole Shemar Moore's eyebrows and is going to last 2 episodes. Get off their backs.

Bummer. There's a "singer/songwriter" who has written a bunch of songs about Emily. Please, no. Only frog voice should be allowed to sing on this show. And Wes. Love don't come easy!

There's a guy with a major head injury. I'm surprised he wasn't on Jillian's season, they could've matched wits.

Justin Bieber is on this season? Oh, no it's some guy who has even worse hair than him.

Ricki Maynard is the Alexa Ray Joel of reality TV.

You wanna make this the greatest season in Bachelorette history? The show ends with Emily turning down the final 2 guys, then turning to Chris Harrison, dropping to one knee, and proposing. You can't top that so don't even try.

Emily has a taste of the crazy eyes. Not good. Limo time:

SEAN, 28. He's a blonde insurance agent. Good height. Crazy dork.

DAVID, 33. The singer/songwriter, I can't wait to start hating this guy with all of you.

DOUG, 33. From Seattle. He's got a son and wisely immediately brings it up. Play to your strengths, Doug.

JACKSON, 29. A fitness model. You know what I say when someone tells me they are a fitness model? Fuck you, and then I run really fast because they might catch me cause they're good at fitness.

JOE, 27. From LA, Mr. Personality. He does a lot of dancing. He's trying to be the next Bob (for old school Bachelor fans).

ARIE, 30. He's a race car driver. We know Emily likes that. He's also an unattractive race car driver, so even better.

KYLE, 29. Financial Advisor from Long Beach.

Let's pause right here and let you know that every single guy, every one, has said some variation of "oh my God, Emily, you look AMAZING!". First, note that no one ever said that to Ben or Ashley or Jillian. Second, you see how easily you could stand out if you didn't mention her appearance at all, or said "is your hair doing something weird?". I'm telling you, that would be my strategy. Also, I'd be there to make friends.

CHRIS, 25. From Chicago, apparently forgot to bring his lips with him.

AARON, 36. Another guy from Long Beach. A high school teacher with a prepared lame line. All of these dudes seem so bland to me, no standouts.

ALESSANDRO, 30. He kind of looks like Brad, but with long hair and an ugly face.

 JUSTIN BIEBER/JEF, 27. He's awful. But I'll say this, he's confident as shit. That's what it's gonna take.

LERONE, 29. The lone black. Settle in, buddy, it's going to be a great 2 week run.

STEVIE, 26. He's a "party MC", and brings a boom box and does some dance moves. Also, his name is Stevie.

CHARLIE, 32. Brain injury guy. He looks like Biff Tannen.

TONY, 31. He brings a slipper on a pillow. That's all that needs to be said.

RANDY, 30. This lame ass walks up pretending to be an old lady for some reason. And sadly, he's from Hermosa Beach. That can't be right. Time to round up the flip flops and torches and get that guy out of our fair beach town.

NATE, 25. An accountant from LA, and possibly the first good looking guy.

GREG, 41!!! I don't think so, old timer. She already has one dead husband, she doesn't need another.

JOHN "WOLF", 30. All of his friends call him Wolf.

TRAVIS, 30. He brought her an egg, because he "will take care of Emily and Ricki like I will take care of this egg". Why not just take care of Emily and Ricki? Won't the egg get in the way?

MICHAEL, 26. He has very long hair, and looks like Brian Williams daughter from Girls.

JEAN-PAUL, 35. It says he's from Seattle, but on ABC's website it said he's from Moraga, which is my hometown. Don't know him though. He's leaving tonight for sure.

ALEJANDRO, 24. He's from Medellin, Columbia so obviously a drug dealer and an extra in the Vinny Chase film. Emily shows off her awful white girl spanish. I love how Emily is pretending to not be racist.

RYAN, 31. A trainer with a really bad haircut. I mean, really bad. My friend O'Brien texts me at this moment to say "every haircut from the Goo Goo Dolls is represented this season".

Uh, oh, Bachelor Copter alert! This is a first. It usually only shows up on episode 2. The question: who is arriving via helicopter? Is it Brad? Is it Bentley? Nope, it's...

KALON, 27. He thinks highly of himself, but really isn't that great. All of the guys hate him and so does America.

And those are your men. We are all disappointed - not a star in the bunch.

Chris tells Emily that there's a first impression rose, but with this shortened episode, it's also a last impression rose. You can really tell how sped up this one is, with setting up Emily and meeting 25 guys, an hour and a half just isn't enough. And I can't believe I'm saying that.

Emily says that she likes Chris, the serial killer seeming guy who doesn't have any lips. I wish I had kept an "amazing" count, cause it's up there. Like, "guard and protect your heart" levels.

Doug's kid wrote Emily a letter, and it is long. It's 18 pages...FRONT AND BACK! Jesus, someone get an editor for that kid.

Some guy says to Travis: "do you think that the Grandma thing was enough?" Ha! Yeah, the dressing up as a grandma totally clinched it for him. What girl could turn that down?

The guys are all starting to gather in their hatred of Kalon, led by MC Stevie.

 First impression rose goes to... Doug, the guy with the chatty kid. I guess it does, it really, really does (these are "friends" jokes, everyone. I apologize, but if you know friends, they're "amazing").

 Oh, and now the rose ceremony is happening immediately after the first impression rose. I seem to be the only one bothered by this.

It should be noted that the black guy did not speak with Emily - I think she made the producers keep him away from her. It doesn't speak well for ABC that this whole episode is taking place on a plantation.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

CHRIS - he kinda looks like Bradley Cooper's stalker brother

RYAN - bad hairdo

KALON - overly confident guy

ARIE - the race car driver

CHARLIE - head-wound Harry

JEF - I bet he wants to sit by the fire while they eat fondue

NATE - I've been told he's the only who is good looking

SEAN - the saddest "first guy out of the limo" ever

JOE - the dancing "personality" guy, we saw none of it at the shortened cocktail party

KYLE - never seen him before

AARON - who? This is edited so much faster than normal it's insane!!! I can't keep up right now.

ALEJANDRO - at first I thought she mispronounced it and meant Alessandro because she's never spoken to a Mexican before, and then I realized that there's an Alessandro AND an Alejandro. Lady Gaga loves this pick.

JOHN - oh, you mean Wolf?

ALESSANDRO - I bet my theory was right and got the two Alejandro/Alessandro's confused

MICHAEL - The only cute one in the show Girls. MC STEVIE - wow, upset special

TONY - yikes!

Harrison says "gentleman, Emily, it's the final rose of the night, and I have to go sleep with someone who isn't my wife"...

TRAVIS - the egg worked!

And sorry, black guy, you didn't even get the token 2nd week elimination. Brutal, but we are in the deep south. I can't believe the 41 year old with 6 kids didn't get picked. I thought he was joking when he said the 6 kids thing earlier, but no, he really has them. Might not want to lead with that next time.

This season on The Bachelorette... Emily allows these idiots to kiss her, Ricki annoys everyone, someone isn't there for the right reasons, Emily tells someone to "get the fuck out!", everyone cries, and Dolly Parton shows off her latest face.

Disappointed with the guys, but that was expected. Goodnight!