Bachelor Pade: Episode 4

Hello.

Wes calls Gia leaving "an absolute atrocity". Maybe that can be his second single. He's also sick of the smoke constantly being blown up his ass. Even worse, David is "mean-mugging" him. It's possible Wes used to ghost write for Lil Bow Wow.

Everyone has to take a survey about the other people in the house. I wonder if Tenley will cry over this...yep. Irwinstradamus strikes again.

Wes is really obsessed with Gia. I guess he's not aware that she has a boyfriend and that he is a douche.

The next day, they take a quiz using the survey everyone filled out. First question: "Who do you think will win?" Most people guess Kiptyn, and it's Kiptyn. Not surprising, since these are the same dumbasses who filled out the survey. This is retarded, no?

Question 2: Who is your biggest enemy? They all guess Krisily, and it's Krisily. Yeah, they are the ones that filled it out! Pretty sure they're all getting an A+ on this "quiz".

3. Who is the most shallow? Split between Krisily and Elizabeth. The winner - Elizabeth. She also won for worst hair and most deserving of a punch in the face.

4. Who is the dumbest? My guess: Handsome Jesse. Just look at him. The majority guess Dumb Natalie. The correct answer? Gwen! Whoa. That's a shot out of nowhere. I think these idiots confused the word dumb with old.

5. Who do you secretly have a crush on? The guess? Dave. The answer - Dave. No one has turned his world around from Bachelor season to Bachelor Pad more than Dave. He used to be a piece of crap. But amongst these people he's Johnny fucking Depp.

6. Who is going to be a bridesmaid and never a bride? It's Elizabeth. But they guess Natalie. And it's Natalie. Really? I thought for sure it would be the fake blonde and fake 30 year old.

7. Who is considered to be the biggest jerk? Wes. The real answer is...Wes. Wes didn't guess himself and he's shocked. I guess he doesn't watch "The Bachelor".

8. Who has the worst boob job? The women are not happy with this question at all. God, I hope it's Elizabeth. It's a good bet, because she does have the worst everything else. And it's Elizabeth! Finally.

Kovacs didn't want to piss off Elizabeth so he didn't put her name down. So instead, as a gentleman, he wrote "Krisily". Because who cares what that old bag thinks?

Handsome Jesse and Tenley win. That's the first time that sentence has ever been written.

Everyone goes back in the house and all of the women immediately start crying. Ha! You mean girls don't like hearing that they'll never get married and have awful boobs?

Gwen consoles Natalie because of the "bridesmaid" thing. Meanwhile, she got called an idiot by everyone and is fine with it. I guess that's the beauty of being an idiot.

Kovacs awkwardly tries to console Elizabeth about the boob job and being shallow thing. He goes "people don't...think...a lot of those...things...it's just they had to put an answer down...you're not shallow...there's probably a lot of girls here are jealous of you". Didn't mention the boobs!

Poor Kovacs. He's the kind of guy who is going to go out with Elizabeth for a long time, finally break up, then go out with a normal girl and be confused that girls can be cool.

For her date, Tenley chooses Kiptyn. And guess what they go on? The Bachelor Copter! It's about time. Amazingly, Kiptyn had never been on a helicopter. How is that even possible?

They Bachelor Copter it over to Catalina and go zip lining. Tenley cries. Then they make out. She says it's "more than she ever could've imagined". Can you imagine a woman in her mid-twenties, who has been married and divorced, saying that about a kiss? I mean, really.

What would Kiptyn and Tenley name their kid? Tentyn? Kipten? How about Jesus? Because its mother will somehow still be a virgin.

Tenley gives him the rose and the fantasy suite. You know what a fantasy suite with Tenley means...pajama party! Ooh, and they can tell ghost stories and make popcorn and use a ouji board. Just good clean fun.

The only thing whiter than Tenley are Tenley's teeth.

For his date, Handsome Jesse chooses Peyton. And they go on...the Bachelor Bi-Plane! God Damn air travel. There's gonna be a Bachelor air related death and everyone is gonna be shocked except for me.

Note to the ladies: if you have black hair, dye it blonde and Handsome Jess will bang you. Except for you, Elizabeth.

Unfortunately, as the date goes on, we find out why Jesse needs to go on these shows. He's terrible. Peyton is horrified. This is what happens when you're so good looking that you don't have to learn life skills.

In a Bachelor first, Peyton turns down the fantasy suite. Wow. When you look like Jesse and you get rejected on this show, you need to check yourself. In defense of Jesse though, the way Peyton says the word "ro-mance" is very, very annoying. Crawl into this century, American south.

For some reason, it's supposedly a foregone conclusion that Kovacs is getting voted out. He's in one of the "power couples". So are other people, but whatever. Anything that will cause Elizabeth pain makes me happy.

On the girl's side, Gwen is on the "chopping block". The reason: she hasn't "opened up" to anyone. Give her a break, she's menopausal.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It comes down to Gwen vs. Krisily, and Kovacs vs. Wes. And the people eliminated are..

KRISILY and WES

Krisily is angry, and calls out the "power couples". Um, this is a reality show, someone had to get eliminated, and no one really liked you. But the good news is you got 2nd place in the "worst boob job" category.

Next week: 3 girls get eliminated. Tenley cries.

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What Did You Do This Weekend?

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Everyone's Favorite Married With Children Episode

"Married With Children" was never my show. I was always a "Family Ties" man, and for many years they were on at the same time. For you kids out there, this was during the dark ages when if you missed something on TV you were simply fucked.

But I did get into it in the middle of it's run. My dad and I would watch it together, and enjoy the genius of Ed O'Neil. And he is a genius. There should be no coming back from that character, but he has worked steadily ever since and is now on TV's best sitcom.

Most episodes were hit and miss. I don't think a TV show today could get away with being as amateurish and bad as some moments of that show were. But then they were made up for by a few great jokes.

However, there was one episode that stood above all others. It made us laugh at the time, and we still quote it today. As is often the case, I thought I was the only one who knew the awesomeness of it.

Not true.

That is everyone's favorite "Married with Children" episode. Anytime the show is brought up, someone will imitate Al Bundy and sing the immortal lyrics: "Hmmm, hmmm, him..."

If you don't know what I'm talking about, Al is obsessed with a song he can't remember. He just knows that it goes, "Hmmm, hmm, him..." He can't figure it out and it's driving him crazy.

Finally, he goes to an old record store and there's a long line of dudes just like him singing parts of songs to the guy working there. And the guy instantly tells them the name of the song. Al thinks this is it! But he sings "Hmmm, hmmm, him" and the guy has no idea what he's talking about.

Al is heartbroken, and prays to God for the answer. God answers his call and the song comes on the jukebox, and Al does a great dance.

The song is "Anna (Go With Him)" by Arthur Alexander. It was later covered by the Beatles.

Here are the best parts of the episode.

Special appearance at the end by none other than Joey Tribbiani...

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The Bachelor Pad: Episode 3

I am teetering on the edge of being over this. But because of you, I soldier on...

Gia begins the episode by calling out Nikki for bailing on the "vote out Kiptyn" plan. This makes Gia the prime target for ouster. Only one problem with that: she's hot. And guys, and producers, love to keep hot girls around.

This week: a kissing contest. They're finally getting rid of the pies and just going straight to prostitution. I'm fine with that. But Gia isn't. Because she has a (gasp!) boyfriend. Um, did he see you on The Bachelor? Because you made out with Jake. And if he's okay with you after seeing that, I assume he's okay with anything.

The contest works like this: they blindfold a girl, she kisses all the guys, and then she chooses the best kisser. And then the guys will do the same thing. Elizabeth goes first. She says she's looking forward to kissing all the guys...except for the Weatherman. Burrrr, awfully frosty for summer.

One on one, the guys proceed to make out with Elizabeth. Ha! Can't tease now, can you? But how come the guys are okay with this? That's like licking another dude. Even worse: it's kissing Elizabeth.

Even though Elizabeth is blindfolded, she correctly names the Weatherman as the worst kisser. His tongue hit her with too many unexpected showers.

You know that monkey that started AIDS? These are the humans who started mono.

Seriously, is Tenley 8 years old? Grow the fuck up. She is asking to be cheated on.

Hold the phone. Tenley just stepped out of her comfort zone and laid a big fat frenchy on Handsome Jesse. Okay, girl, I see you.

Gia cries some more. She knows her pecks can't compare to the crazy tongue action that is happening.

Natalie the whore attacks the Weatherman with a long kiss. He pops a category 5 boner. Elizabeth attacks him too. They are the definitely the rape kissers of the group.

The best kisser, according to the ladies, is...David.

The best girl kisser is...Peyton. Who? I don't know. But Natalie is none too pleased.

David picks the girls for his date. They are: Nikki (ew), Krisily (who is now in love with David because of his kissing), and Natalie. They're going to Vegas. Ironically, that's where Natalie got dumped by Jason.

I'm not gonna lie, a lot of people say "I'm not gonna lie" on this show.

They hang out at a topless pool. And of course, the one girl who goes topless is the girl with no boobs - Natalie.

Krisily awkwardly tries to get some David loving. It's embarrassing. She's like the Weatherman of the girls.

After the pool, they all get dressed up to go to dinner. But then David finds a card that tells him he has to hand out a rose to one girl, and the 2 other girls have to skidaddle. David: "I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't ready for that quite yet".

He gives the rose to Natalie. Why? She's a sure thing. Krisily thinks he missed out. Well yeah, if you're talking about boobs.

Krisily keeps yapping about how she felt chemistry with David during their kiss. Sweetie, everyone did, that's why he won the fricking kissing contest. At one point, Nikki says to her "maybe we should've gone topless". This is just occurring to you!!!

David and Natalie go to a fantasy suite and have sex.

Back at the house, Peyton picks the boys for her date. They are: Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Handsome Jesse. Tenley gets jealous that Kiptyn's going on the date. So she decides to spend some time with him before he goes. She says "I think I should blow him out of the water and surprise him a little bit". How about just blowing him?

And Kiptyn rejects her! He gives her the ol' "I need to sleep" routine. He thinks being with her has put a target on his back. It's also put blue balls in your pants. He doesn't want to be seen with her. The recurring pattern of Tenley's life.

The date is drag racing. Romance!

Elizabeth is 30 years old after a glorious 5 year run of being 29.

The whole strategy here is to pretend your single so you get chosen for dates and given roses. Kiptyn tells Peyton that Tenley means nothing to him so she'll give him a rose. Kovacs does the same thing regarding Elizabeth. Jesse tells her that "Natalie was so welcoming when he came into the house". Yeah, her vagina is a welcome mat.

I've never seen anyone more hyped for the fantasy suite than Handsome Jesse. He can't stop talking about it.

Favorite line of the night, from Kovacs: "Elizabeth has ruined everything for me". So true, in so many ways.

Wes sweet talks Gia some more. And you know what's next...he gets the damn guitar and plays that same stupid song. Jesus. This is why I don't get hot ladies, I'm not lame.

Gia says this about Wes: "I've never met a person in my life like that boy. He's like the modern day Shakespeare, but better and cuter". Calm down, she's obviously drunk, and dumb as shit.

Gia tries to save her ass by talking to the dudes and crying a lot. Wes helps her by telling everyone they need to "break up the couples". Elizabeth is in trouble too, and it's unclear why Kovacs doesn't just turn on her and get the guys to vote her out.

The Weatherman is in trouble too - he's not in a couple, it's just that all the girls are afraid on the next show there will be a sex contest.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Kovacs gets the final rose, and The Weatherman is gone. No! This was totally not in the 5 day forecast.

On the women's side, there is a tie: Elizabeth and Gia. David gets to break it. He chooses Elizabeth, so Gia is gone.

Wow, double whammy tonight. Two great people eliminated - one person we love to look at, and Gia.

Next week...we find out who has the worst boob job! Spoiler alert: it's the girl who just left the house.

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Bachelor Pad: Episode 2

Last week, crazy ass Michelle and heartless Juan were eliminated. This week, Dale Earnhardt Jr. realizes he had a horrible strategy and now Non Blonde Elizabeth has him by the balls. Can he untangle his balls?

Natalie and Jesse have a heavy makeout session. Natalie acts like she's in love. They probably should bang just for the good looking kids they'd make. The world needs more dumb, good looking people. If nothing else to populate all the reality shows.

All right, let's sort this mess out really quick. Apparently, the girls are in 2 factions. The outside girls are: Peyton, Gia, Krisily, Gwen, and Nikki. They don't go on the reunion cruises, etc., and don't seem to have prior relationships with people.

Pie eating contest. And no, I'm not referring to what the guys are trying to have with Natalie.

Krisily tells Chris that she doesn't want to cry, even though she is, but she had her gall bladder removed so she can't do the competition. Hey, Frog Voice had his hearing removed, that didn't stop him from singing.

The girls remove their shirts for some reason. Holy crap, that butter face girl (Jesse) has a great body. Well, at least she paid to make it great.

I hate pie eating contests. I hate all food related contests. It's gross. Elizabeth throws up in her hands and then tries to dump the remnants in a trash can. That's good manners.

It comes down to Gia and Tenley. Something tells me Gia has more experience going down on things with no hands. And she wins!

The guys turn. Craig the Hair guy dumps his hair into the pie first. He explains: "my hair is a multi-purpose tool. It looks good, the ladies love it, and it can suck up some pie". You can't argue with that, except for the looking good and the ladies loving it part. So I guess the suck up some pie thing is what you can't argue with.

But then, with all these big guys, the Weatherman takes the lead. And Harrison beats me to the line: "the Weatherman is forecasting a victory". And the Weatherman wins! You know what that means? He'll be going on his first date in many a solstice.

Here's some more info on cliques. The "inside girls" aka "the cool kids" have certain boys that they are protecting. They are: Kovacs (Non blonde's pretend boyfriend), Kiptyn, and David. Um, why would anyone like David? Everyone remembers Crazy Hair Craig being a dick, but David was just as bad on his season.

For his date, the Weatherman chooses: Ashley (bug eyes), Peyton, and Gwen (again!).

Kovacs actually says: "I think the Weatherman is more of a threat than I thought". No, he's less.

Ashley could almost be pretty...but she's not. The date involves body paint. It might just be another excuse to get the Weatherman back in a speedo. I think I can see the outline of his Doppler 5000.

The Weatherman is all about strategy. He thinks he's successfully "flipped" Ashley and Payton to the "outsiders" side. He calls himself the puppet master. Oh Lord. BUT, he doesn't want to attempt this with Gwen because she's "the kind of girl you can get romantic with". You mean she's easy?

What the hell is going on? Gwen? Really? I guess he figures she's the only one he could possibly have a shot with. If you want the tornado to come, might as well hang out in tornado alley, am I right?

Gwen gets the rose. She interviews to us: "A lot of people in the house think that the Weatherman likes me...but that's not gonna happen, not in a million years". So you're saying there's a chance!!! Well, I guess she's not saying that, at all.

Weatherman and Gia meet up to discuss more strategy. In a tragic twist, Gia has figured out that the guy who needs to get a rose is...Crazy Hair Craig, his arch enemy! That's a cloudy situation, if you know what I mean.

For her date, Gia picks Craig, Wes, and Handsome Jesse. Gia tells Craig he's choosing him and they want him to be a part of their "crew". How in the hell is Gia the mastermind in this whole game? The uglier people should be ashamed of themselves.

Handsome Jesse is very handsome, but he looks like he's been hit with a brick. You can see the dumb on his face.

Elizabeth claims that she's a "dumb smart girl". It must have been the dumb half that picked the new hair color. I'm not sure which half bangs Kovacs in the shower, but it was one of them.

Wes gets Gia alone and tells her she's the greatest and that he's in love with her. Sorry, southern accents, you're often confused with retarded. Gia likes Wes and he's totally different than she thought. Hey dummy, that's how assholes operate. They charm your pants off and then screw you over. Hence the term, asshole.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've eaten 5 peaches today)

Somehow, Wes completely tricked Gia, and she goes back on her word and gives him the rose instead of Craig. Stupid! She just blew their whole strategy. So much for Gia being the mastermind.

Girl Jesse flatly states that the reason she likes this game is because she can whore herself out to stay on. She says it so I don't have to. To prove it, she kisses gross David.

Side note: I'm so confused: how is the new Jen Aniston movie different from that J.Lo movie? Also, weren't we done with artificial insemination story lines in the late '90's?

Handsome Jesse asks Natalie how big of a slut she's been. She says at one point she liked Kovacs. He doesn't care, he's done with her ass.

At least with Natalie, Jesse is here "just to be friends". Now he's turning his sights on Gia. Not smart. But as they say, the grass is always Gia.

Before the voting starts, Chris - in a terrible shirt/polka dot tie combo - opens up a little dialogue. Elizabeth says her relationship with Kovacs is like Kiptyn and Tenley's. Tenley responds, "it's different physically", and then starts crying like a God Damn 5 year old. And I laugh my head off.

What a baby. Has she hit puberty yet? Jesus. Just think, someone married her. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the guy was justified in cheating on her. But then, he's also not because he married her in the first place.

The Outsiders want Kiptyn gone. He tries to flip Nikki, and she starts crying because it's "so hard". Has she read a newspaper lately? Cause I don't think Bachelor Pad is up high on the "so hard" list.

It's never explained, but Natalie is wearing a fucking tutu.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

CRAZY HAIR CRAIG is gone. Brutal!

GIRL JESSE is gone.

This doesn't make sense. Craig is from the outsiders, Jesse is from the insiders. If one side has the majority, they should get their way on both.

Well, Nikki got "flipped" by Kiptyn's charms. His ears hypnotize women.

I'm sad to see Craig go. He's pure entertainment. I will also miss Jesse's body.

Next week: Natalie says she'll kiss everyone in the house for $20 dollars, and Gia calls Wes the modern day Shakespeare. You cannot make these things up.

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The Bangs That Started the Hate

That is Emily Valentine from Beverly Hills 90210. The year was 1995. Brandon Walsh was happily with Kelly Taylor. But for some unknown reason, he decided to reconnect with his long lost ex-girlfriend, and love of his life, Emily Valentine. And on that same very night, there was a house party where a fire broke out and Kelly Taylor burned her neck.

Now, never mind that Emily Valentine was never really the love of his life, and was in fact, a complete psycho hose beast who secretly drugged Brandon, crank called his house 5,000 times, and tried to burn the senior float down.

And never mind that the Brandon Walsh that I know, was always a super cool guy who always did the right thing (except for that time he got a DUI), and would never cheat on his lady.

Never mind those two things...you're trying to tell me that Brandon would risk his relationship with Kelly for those awful, awful bangs! Impossible.

That is the worst haircut I've ever seen. And I saw it while still in my formative years. It had to have an effect on me. I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Emily Valentine ruined bangs for everyone.

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Cool People on Segways

This is a solid first step on my mission to make Segways cool so I can buy one without fear of persecution.

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At Long Last, Bachelor Pad

Can a brotha get a week off? Guess not. And 2 freaking hours?! Jesus, ABC needs to get some more programming.

I'm very excited for this show. The only thing that I don't like is that it looks like they've chosen only from the very recent seasons. I would've liked some people from the way back machine. There's nothing wrong with Moanna, people. Or how about Bell Bevin Devoe and her sprained ankle?

All right, onto the show...

Normally, I don't talk about the "tease" at the beginning of the show. But there are some downright outrageous claims made by Chris Harrison that must be mentioned:

Claim #1: "Juan and Nikki (bad sideburns) had a scandalous one night stand at a Bachelor reunion, what will happen when they face each other for the first time?"

What the hell? Were we supposed to know about this? Am I not reading Us Weekly enough? That's some serious back story for a tease that no one watches (if they're a normal person and have a DVR)

Claim #2: "Will Tenley and Kiptyn finally realize the love affair everyone is hoping for?"

Who was hoping for that? Who even knew that they liked each other? Where is all this information coming from? I'm pretty sure I've watched every second of these shows and I know none of this. Very odd.

Anyway, let's meet the Contestants:

(by the way, they're each pulling up in limos to meet Chris Harrison. You know he's wishing he was the Bachelor. Also, he's in his "casual this is an embarrassing reality show" attire vs. his normal "dressed up, we are really trying to help people find love" duds)

TENLEY - Apparently, this is one big romantic comedy starring her and Kiptyn, so of course she's here.

JESSE - Hate to say it again, but he is hunky.

NATALIE - From Jason's season. The slut of the show. Apparently, she is best buds with Tenley. She finds Jesse as handsome as I do.

DAVID - He's the guy who blinks with one eye, and is scary. He always wanted to beat up Juan. In a shocking turn, Natalie loves hanging out with David and they've had "crazy fun times together".

GWEN - Okay, here's one person from a long time ago. She's from Aaron's season (season 2!), and damn she looks old! In the place for her age, they put a question mark. Jesse says he looks at her as "a mom"

JESSE S. - Henceforth known as "Girl Jesse". She's the one who busted Rated R for having a girlfriend.

WEATHERMAN - Yes!!! My excitement for him being here is a category 5.

NIKKI - She of the awful sideburns. I don't what it is, but I find her disgusting. Oh yeah, it's the sideburns.

JUAN - He already has 2 enemies in the house - David and Nikki. By the way, so far Natalie loves everyone here (except for old ass Gwen, who doesn't really count because she's old).

WES - The evil one. Just don't let him sing and we'll get along fine.

KRISILY - Little known, from the infamous Charlie O'Connell season! No one in the house knows who she is, and neither do we. She's got nice boobs though.

ELIZABETH - The tease. She's dyed her hair blonde and it could not look worse. I think I hate her the most. Ladies, what goes on down at the hair salon? Is there no one there with any common sense? Do the gays get you all worked up about "taking chances" and you lose all semblance of taste? Cause there is no excuse for a grown woman coming on national TV with that hair color.

JESSE K. - Henceforth known as "Less Handsome Jesse". He's the guy who looks like Dale Earnhardt Jr. He's hooked up with Elizabeth. You mean she actually kisses people without backing away? Bitch.

KIPTYN - No one has clung onto this whole Bachelor thing more than Kiptyn. He does the reunions, the cruises, everything. He's got nothing else.

ASHLEY - Crazy eyes!




MICHELLE - Even crazier eyes! This is the chick from Jake's season who is seriously unstable. I bet they have to get specific releases from the other people just because of the danger Michelle poses.

PEYTON - She's from Andy's season. I slightly remember her.

GIA - Everyone at the house seems to think she is next level hot. I don't know, she's still got that weird mouth.

CRAIG - Crazy hair. I'm going to enjoy watching Craig. He's a Michelle level lunatic.

Chris tells them they all have "a chance to find love here". And a shot at $250,000 dollars. The guys will be voting off a girl each week, and the girls will be voting off a guy. If they win a competition, they get a rose, and that means they get to go on a date.

What the hell? This show doesn't know what it wants to be. Multiple people have already said they have boyfriends/girlfriends. Whatever, it's best not to think too much.

You know what's interesting about this show? Well, besides everything. It's that during their Bachelor seasons, a lot of these people made you wonder, "who would go out with that person?" And it's a house full of them, so these are the people that would go out with these people.

Stupid Melissa Rycroft is co-hosting. I think Harrison could've handled this by himself. Also, they're all sleeping in the same room in bunk beds.

The girls immediately conspire to get rid of crazy hair Craig. Fuck. That would be terrible. He's gold.

First competition? Twister. Tenley is very confident, and demonstrates by putting her foot behind her head. Finally, a Tenley I can get behind.

The game begins, and immediately everyone's head seems to be almost up everyone else's ass. It's not that bad, there are some nice asses.

Tenley loses right away because she can't tell left from right. Neither can Wes. Neither can handsome Jesse or Juan.

Girl Jesse is a butter face. Great body, rough head. Lots of vagina shots of her. It's like Basic Instinct Twister. My sidekick informs me that Jesse is currently going out with Kirk from this past season.

Crazy hair Craig wins twister! He's in for another week. The Weatherman is hit with a huge cold front.

Sorry guys, hard to do jokes. A lot of this show is explaining the "rules". The person who gets the rose, Craig, chooses 3 girls to go on a date. Then he gives one girl a rose, and they are safe.

When the lights go out, the familiar sounds of hooking up are heard. But who is it? The next morning, everyone claims it's crazy Craig and crazier Michelle! Yikes. That's how Charles Manson was made.

The girls look rough in the morning. Particularly Michelle and Krisily.

Craig chooses Girl Jesse, Old Ass Gwen!, and Elizabeth to go on the date. They go to the beach. There are no helicopters or ziplines involved.

Say what you want, Gwen's rocking a body.

Craig gets Elizabeth alone and tries to "win" her over. He seems to think he could've made out with her. Guess he doesn't know about her pull back routine. He's really jazzed about almost making out with her. These people are 30 God Damn years old, and they're getting excited about an almost make out.

Krisily makes it clear: she's not here to make friends.

Handsome Jesse says he's not gonna chase love. He does know he went on a reality show to literally chase love, right?

He makes out with Natalie. I find it very hard to believe she passed The Bachelor's strict herpes testing.

Craig gives the rose to Girl Jesse. That means she's safe, and now they're gonna finish the date together. They get a private concert from...that guy who sings that one song. They dance ironically.

The 2 girls who didn't get a rose ride back to the house in a limo. They totally try to play this up like it's a Bachelor style elimination. But it really isn't the same.

Less Good Looking Jesse has a little chat with Elizabeth. He says that she needs to back off, because the other girls are getting the impression that he's off limits. So Elizabeth loses it. He asks her what she tells the other girls about their situation. She says "I'm completely in love with you and I don't feel like you feel the same about me". Well, at least she's got that right.

Then she threatens him. Basically, if he doesn't go along with the program and be with her, she's gonna get all the girls to vote him off. Nice.

It's amazing that there was a half an episode of the Bachelor where Elizabeth looked like the unstoppable favorite. Now in in a house of psychos, she is the queen fucking bee.

Michelle is pissed that Tenley started the "rumor" about her and Craig. She says she wants Tenley to know how pissed she is. You know what that means: a bunny is getting boiled.

Michelle traps Tenley in the bathroom and yells at her. She scares the shit out of Tenley, who breaks down and cries like an 8 year old, which she basically is.

Juan apologizes to Nikki, in the hopes of avoiding getting kicked out. He is a real slime ball. Seriously, that guy is dead inside.

Oh my God! Elizabeth says that "the way (not as handsome) Jesse treated me last night, has upset a lot of the girls". Then she goes and tells Jesse that the way he can stay is to "act like you really care about me". How fucking nuts is this girl? She is so pathetic.

AND THEN she cries and says "you just don't appreciate how much I do for you". Is this fake? No one can be this horrible. She is the devil. Jesse has screwed this up. He needed to go around to all the other girls and spoil them on Elizabeth. Now he's at her mercy.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

GIA is in. Good looks are all that's important life.

HANDSOME JESSE - See?

Okay, this is pointless. Only one person is gone, there's no need to say each person that gets a rose. I'll wait 'till that happens...

JUAN is gone.

MICHELLE is toast.

The message: never threaten a prude. The producers must be bummed, Michelle would've eventually stabbed someone on national TV.

The Weatherman with the line of the night. Regarding Michelle: "Besides, it's hard to put a rose on a straight jacket" Chance of sunshine!

Next week: it's the "insiders" vs. the "outsiders". And Chris Harrison wears a crazy tie!

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You Want Answers? Here's 3

The official "Lost" Epilogue is out. It's here.

It's very good. There are answers. Well, 3 answers. But anyway, worth checking out.

And there's even a special appearance by...Lebron James!

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How Did Dominic Monaghan Trick Everyone?

In general, women do not like short, little guys, with ears that stick out who play hobbits. And yet, in this video, we are expected to believe that he can get Megan Fox. But we can't complain about it, because in real life he gets Kate from "Lost". How does he do it?

Sadly, the reason I refuse to lose weight is if I get in that 160 pound range I know I will look like him.

In other news, did Rihanna get a boob job?

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Ali the Bachelorette: The Anti-Climactic Finale

Last night I was thinking that this has actually been a pretty great season of the Bachelor. We had crazy hair Craig, Justin aka Rated R, The Weather Man, Gay Frank, and of course, the deaf guy. Unfortunately, ABC has milked this show dry and done way too many episodes at 2 hours a pop. If there were 4 less episodes and they were each an hour, think of how tight and good it would've been.

Alas, it was not to be. So now I'm kinda of sick of it. But it must end, and it ends tonight! The prediction: Ali was going to choose Frank, and now that he's gone, she's picking no one. Let's see...

It's time for Roberto to meet Ali's family. He says he has to make sure they know that he's "here for the right reason". I want my daughter to go on this show, just so when I meet the guy, my first question can be: "did you go to the fantasy suite with my daughter?" Follow up: "is sexing my daughter your idea of being here for the right reasons?"

Ali has a creepy little brother.

Ali's mom looks like older Ali. We see where Ali gets her nose from though. And remember, the nose is one of the body parts that never stops growing.

Roberto babbles forever without Ali's dad saying anything back. Finally, Roberto asks for permission to ask to marry her. Ali's dad mutters something about beaners, but relents, and says it's okay. Yey!

Guess what happens next? Here's a hint: it involves Roberto. That's right, it's salsa dancing! You know what I just realized: salsa dancing is Roberto's "dead mom". If you understand what that means - I love you.

Chris is up next. He meets Ali's family, and is stunned to see that Ali's mom is alive. Talk about kicking a guy where it hurts.

Without sounding totally gay, Chris looks very handsome. If only he knew how to talk and kiss women.

Take a wild guess as to what Chris mentions in the first minute. You are correct.

Ali's dad could not be more relieved that Chris is from nearby, and also that he's white.

Oh boy, Ali's mom asks about dead mom! Don't encourage him, lady.

It's so weird, Ali's sister and brother caught the porky bug. These guys better be careful, chubs does run in the family. Ali is the pretty duckling of the family.

Chris claims that Ali is "the one". Let's remember that later.

I'm getting a strong sense that Raya (Ali's sister) wants to bang the crap out of Chris.

Is it really right for a father to give 2 different guys his blessing to marry his daughter? Seems counter to the whole point of it.

Ali and her family chat about the 2 guys. In a stunning upset, her dad thinks Roberto loves her and is more ready to move to the next step.

Chubby sister thinks Chris is better. Of course she does. She's already lining him up for a chance encounter next Thanksgiving at the Cape, when Ali has gone to bed early, and the two of them have a glass of wine over a "Friends" rerun, and she tells him how she understands him and his dead mom better than Ali ever could. That's how it goes in my head, anyway.

Ali: "I love going on machines that are really fast". Luckily for her, Roberto lives his life a quarter mile at a time.

Ali and Roberto swim with some sting rays. Roberto thinks it's safe. Yeah, tell that to the Crocodile Hunter.

Roberto says "you can be at this beautiful place, but if you're not with someone special, it's not the same, this makes it all worth it". What about when you're on the toilet? I like for my someone special to be as far away as possible in those situations.

Ali is baffled by the idea that Roberto "could be mine". Come on, self esteem. Come on up here, you can do it. Ali says he's the "sexiest man". Not according to People Magazine.

Ali says she gave up everything to be here. Of course, in her case "everything" is an entry level job at Facebook.

Ali says that Roberto needs to open up more and she needs to know how she feels. Um, didn't he just ask your dad for permission to marry you, and didn't your dad (who in my imagination hates minorities) just tell you that Roberto clearly is hopelessly in love with you and totally ready to get married? What more do you need? More salsa dancing? Cause that can be arranged.

Roberto gives her a picture. As a Bachelor historian, I can tell you that gift giving has always meant certain doom.

Roberto tells Ali he loves her in spanish. Ali looks like she has no idea what he said.

Something weird happens here: Ali interviews to us that she loves Roberto. "I've never ever in my whole life felt this good about a relationship and a person. Everything I came here to find, I found in Roberto". Then she says even though she has a date with Chris the next day and she should go, she can't. "I don't want to say goodbye to Roberto".

They've never done this before. Are they giving away the ending? They couldn't be. So what the fuck?

The next day. Poor Chris. He's excited as he waits for her, having no idea that she's just minutes away from having the crap banged out of her by a beefy Latin lover.

Chris says he's going to "shower her with love". You better hope she showered with a shower.

Ali comes in, very flustered. Multiple orgasms will do that to a lady. She sits him down, it feels like she's going to dump him right here. This is a curveball, people!

She's losing her mind. She's talking like some kind of tweaker. Did that make me sound old? I don't know drug words. But it really feels like she's on something.

Ali is all over the place. Finally, she says:

"Even if two people are really enjoy spending time together I don't necessarily think like, it's supposed to be...do you understand what I'm saying?"

He clearly doesn't. And then:

"I'm in love with somebody else"

There's only one thing we can draw from this: Roberto has one helluva dick.

Wow! Didn't see that coming. She says "I have to let you go here and not wait for tomorrow". I assume the producers told her to do that so we'd have a different type of of finale. And I'll tell you what, I approve.

Poor, poor Chris. She was the one!

He says he's gonna need some time, "this kind of snuck up on me". Yeah, he was expecting to get dumped the way they normally do it on this show.

I feel bad because Chris is really too nice and normal for this show. Normally I like to enjoy these dumpings a lot more. See, even in dumping he makes me sad.

I have a theory: Chris was such a nice guy, they didn't want to burn him the way they normally do, and probably felt everyone would hate Ali if she did it that way to him. Maybe.

Chris is sad. But then he sees a rainbow! You know who did it, don't you? Dead mom. And he literally says that. Rainbows sure have been in the news a lot lately.

Is Chris the next Bachelor? Is that really a good idea? I need awhile to look at the magic rainbow and think about it.

They do this whole bizarre build up to the end where they try to make it seem like the ending is anything but a foregone conclusion.

Ali must be so bummed that she could've had Jake and now she's stuck with Roberto.

Chris Harrison appearance!

Roberto walks up the God Damn Spanish Steps to get up to where Ali is. He's exhausted.

Why are they acting like Roberto gets to make the final choice here? Very weird.

Roberto is one of those guys where I can actually see his beard growing while he talks. A lot of sweat on that brow right now.

Ali tells Roberto that he's "the only guy here tonight". And Roberto is so excited, he goes for an aggressive kiss, and Ali dodges it like Floyd Mayweather! So wonderfully awkward.

For some reason, Ali doesn't have to say anything at this rose ceremony. So Roberto just gets down on one knee and proposes and she says yes. Congratulations, Ali! You get to live in Tampa and be Mrs. Insurance Salesman.

And for Chris, well, there's always Raya.

As we see moments from Ali and Roberto's relationships, that Elton John song from The Lion King plays. Poor Jeffrey Osbourne, this used to be his gig.

And ladies and gentlemen, this season is finally over. I really thought she was choosing herself, but I'm happy with Roberto. He is very beefy, and obviously, his weiner knows how to close the show.

There's an After the Final Rose show. Frank bailed on it. Nothing happens. Ali and Roberto are still happy. And Chris's mom is still dead.

The End.

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