At Long Last, Bachelor Pad

Can a brotha get a week off? Guess not. And 2 freaking hours?! Jesus, ABC needs to get some more programming.

I'm very excited for this show. The only thing that I don't like is that it looks like they've chosen only from the very recent seasons. I would've liked some people from the way back machine. There's nothing wrong with Moanna, people. Or how about Bell Bevin Devoe and her sprained ankle?

All right, onto the show...

Normally, I don't talk about the "tease" at the beginning of the show. But there are some downright outrageous claims made by Chris Harrison that must be mentioned:

Claim #1: "Juan and Nikki (bad sideburns) had a scandalous one night stand at a Bachelor reunion, what will happen when they face each other for the first time?"

What the hell? Were we supposed to know about this? Am I not reading Us Weekly enough? That's some serious back story for a tease that no one watches (if they're a normal person and have a DVR)

Claim #2: "Will Tenley and Kiptyn finally realize the love affair everyone is hoping for?"

Who was hoping for that? Who even knew that they liked each other? Where is all this information coming from? I'm pretty sure I've watched every second of these shows and I know none of this. Very odd.

Anyway, let's meet the Contestants:

(by the way, they're each pulling up in limos to meet Chris Harrison. You know he's wishing he was the Bachelor. Also, he's in his "casual this is an embarrassing reality show" attire vs. his normal "dressed up, we are really trying to help people find love" duds)

TENLEY - Apparently, this is one big romantic comedy starring her and Kiptyn, so of course she's here.

JESSE - Hate to say it again, but he is hunky.

NATALIE - From Jason's season. The slut of the show. Apparently, she is best buds with Tenley. She finds Jesse as handsome as I do.

DAVID - He's the guy who blinks with one eye, and is scary. He always wanted to beat up Juan. In a shocking turn, Natalie loves hanging out with David and they've had "crazy fun times together".

GWEN - Okay, here's one person from a long time ago. She's from Aaron's season (season 2!), and damn she looks old! In the place for her age, they put a question mark. Jesse says he looks at her as "a mom"

JESSE S. - Henceforth known as "Girl Jesse". She's the one who busted Rated R for having a girlfriend.

WEATHERMAN - Yes!!! My excitement for him being here is a category 5.

NIKKI - She of the awful sideburns. I don't what it is, but I find her disgusting. Oh yeah, it's the sideburns.

JUAN - He already has 2 enemies in the house - David and Nikki. By the way, so far Natalie loves everyone here (except for old ass Gwen, who doesn't really count because she's old).

WES - The evil one. Just don't let him sing and we'll get along fine.

KRISILY - Little known, from the infamous Charlie O'Connell season! No one in the house knows who she is, and neither do we. She's got nice boobs though.

ELIZABETH - The tease. She's dyed her hair blonde and it could not look worse. I think I hate her the most. Ladies, what goes on down at the hair salon? Is there no one there with any common sense? Do the gays get you all worked up about "taking chances" and you lose all semblance of taste? Cause there is no excuse for a grown woman coming on national TV with that hair color.

JESSE K. - Henceforth known as "Less Handsome Jesse". He's the guy who looks like Dale Earnhardt Jr. He's hooked up with Elizabeth. You mean she actually kisses people without backing away? Bitch.

KIPTYN - No one has clung onto this whole Bachelor thing more than Kiptyn. He does the reunions, the cruises, everything. He's got nothing else.

ASHLEY - Crazy eyes!




MICHELLE - Even crazier eyes! This is the chick from Jake's season who is seriously unstable. I bet they have to get specific releases from the other people just because of the danger Michelle poses.

PEYTON - She's from Andy's season. I slightly remember her.

GIA - Everyone at the house seems to think she is next level hot. I don't know, she's still got that weird mouth.

CRAIG - Crazy hair. I'm going to enjoy watching Craig. He's a Michelle level lunatic.

Chris tells them they all have "a chance to find love here". And a shot at $250,000 dollars. The guys will be voting off a girl each week, and the girls will be voting off a guy. If they win a competition, they get a rose, and that means they get to go on a date.

What the hell? This show doesn't know what it wants to be. Multiple people have already said they have boyfriends/girlfriends. Whatever, it's best not to think too much.

You know what's interesting about this show? Well, besides everything. It's that during their Bachelor seasons, a lot of these people made you wonder, "who would go out with that person?" And it's a house full of them, so these are the people that would go out with these people.

Stupid Melissa Rycroft is co-hosting. I think Harrison could've handled this by himself. Also, they're all sleeping in the same room in bunk beds.

The girls immediately conspire to get rid of crazy hair Craig. Fuck. That would be terrible. He's gold.

First competition? Twister. Tenley is very confident, and demonstrates by putting her foot behind her head. Finally, a Tenley I can get behind.

The game begins, and immediately everyone's head seems to be almost up everyone else's ass. It's not that bad, there are some nice asses.

Tenley loses right away because she can't tell left from right. Neither can Wes. Neither can handsome Jesse or Juan.

Girl Jesse is a butter face. Great body, rough head. Lots of vagina shots of her. It's like Basic Instinct Twister. My sidekick informs me that Jesse is currently going out with Kirk from this past season.

Crazy hair Craig wins twister! He's in for another week. The Weatherman is hit with a huge cold front.

Sorry guys, hard to do jokes. A lot of this show is explaining the "rules". The person who gets the rose, Craig, chooses 3 girls to go on a date. Then he gives one girl a rose, and they are safe.

When the lights go out, the familiar sounds of hooking up are heard. But who is it? The next morning, everyone claims it's crazy Craig and crazier Michelle! Yikes. That's how Charles Manson was made.

The girls look rough in the morning. Particularly Michelle and Krisily.

Craig chooses Girl Jesse, Old Ass Gwen!, and Elizabeth to go on the date. They go to the beach. There are no helicopters or ziplines involved.

Say what you want, Gwen's rocking a body.

Craig gets Elizabeth alone and tries to "win" her over. He seems to think he could've made out with her. Guess he doesn't know about her pull back routine. He's really jazzed about almost making out with her. These people are 30 God Damn years old, and they're getting excited about an almost make out.

Krisily makes it clear: she's not here to make friends.

Handsome Jesse says he's not gonna chase love. He does know he went on a reality show to literally chase love, right?

He makes out with Natalie. I find it very hard to believe she passed The Bachelor's strict herpes testing.

Craig gives the rose to Girl Jesse. That means she's safe, and now they're gonna finish the date together. They get a private concert from...that guy who sings that one song. They dance ironically.

The 2 girls who didn't get a rose ride back to the house in a limo. They totally try to play this up like it's a Bachelor style elimination. But it really isn't the same.

Less Good Looking Jesse has a little chat with Elizabeth. He says that she needs to back off, because the other girls are getting the impression that he's off limits. So Elizabeth loses it. He asks her what she tells the other girls about their situation. She says "I'm completely in love with you and I don't feel like you feel the same about me". Well, at least she's got that right.

Then she threatens him. Basically, if he doesn't go along with the program and be with her, she's gonna get all the girls to vote him off. Nice.

It's amazing that there was a half an episode of the Bachelor where Elizabeth looked like the unstoppable favorite. Now in in a house of psychos, she is the queen fucking bee.

Michelle is pissed that Tenley started the "rumor" about her and Craig. She says she wants Tenley to know how pissed she is. You know what that means: a bunny is getting boiled.

Michelle traps Tenley in the bathroom and yells at her. She scares the shit out of Tenley, who breaks down and cries like an 8 year old, which she basically is.

Juan apologizes to Nikki, in the hopes of avoiding getting kicked out. He is a real slime ball. Seriously, that guy is dead inside.

Oh my God! Elizabeth says that "the way (not as handsome) Jesse treated me last night, has upset a lot of the girls". Then she goes and tells Jesse that the way he can stay is to "act like you really care about me". How fucking nuts is this girl? She is so pathetic.

AND THEN she cries and says "you just don't appreciate how much I do for you". Is this fake? No one can be this horrible. She is the devil. Jesse has screwed this up. He needed to go around to all the other girls and spoil them on Elizabeth. Now he's at her mercy.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

GIA is in. Good looks are all that's important life.

HANDSOME JESSE - See?

Okay, this is pointless. Only one person is gone, there's no need to say each person that gets a rose. I'll wait 'till that happens...

JUAN is gone.

MICHELLE is toast.

The message: never threaten a prude. The producers must be bummed, Michelle would've eventually stabbed someone on national TV.

The Weatherman with the line of the night. Regarding Michelle: "Besides, it's hard to put a rose on a straight jacket" Chance of sunshine!

Next week: it's the "insiders" vs. the "outsiders". And Chris Harrison wears a crazy tie!