Ali the Bachelorette: The Anti-Climactic Finale

Last night I was thinking that this has actually been a pretty great season of the Bachelor. We had crazy hair Craig, Justin aka Rated R, The Weather Man, Gay Frank, and of course, the deaf guy. Unfortunately, ABC has milked this show dry and done way too many episodes at 2 hours a pop. If there were 4 less episodes and they were each an hour, think of how tight and good it would've been.

Alas, it was not to be. So now I'm kinda of sick of it. But it must end, and it ends tonight! The prediction: Ali was going to choose Frank, and now that he's gone, she's picking no one. Let's see...

It's time for Roberto to meet Ali's family. He says he has to make sure they know that he's "here for the right reason". I want my daughter to go on this show, just so when I meet the guy, my first question can be: "did you go to the fantasy suite with my daughter?" Follow up: "is sexing my daughter your idea of being here for the right reasons?"

Ali has a creepy little brother.

Ali's mom looks like older Ali. We see where Ali gets her nose from though. And remember, the nose is one of the body parts that never stops growing.

Roberto babbles forever without Ali's dad saying anything back. Finally, Roberto asks for permission to ask to marry her. Ali's dad mutters something about beaners, but relents, and says it's okay. Yey!

Guess what happens next? Here's a hint: it involves Roberto. That's right, it's salsa dancing! You know what I just realized: salsa dancing is Roberto's "dead mom". If you understand what that means - I love you.

Chris is up next. He meets Ali's family, and is stunned to see that Ali's mom is alive. Talk about kicking a guy where it hurts.

Without sounding totally gay, Chris looks very handsome. If only he knew how to talk and kiss women.

Take a wild guess as to what Chris mentions in the first minute. You are correct.

Ali's dad could not be more relieved that Chris is from nearby, and also that he's white.

Oh boy, Ali's mom asks about dead mom! Don't encourage him, lady.

It's so weird, Ali's sister and brother caught the porky bug. These guys better be careful, chubs does run in the family. Ali is the pretty duckling of the family.

Chris claims that Ali is "the one". Let's remember that later.

I'm getting a strong sense that Raya (Ali's sister) wants to bang the crap out of Chris.

Is it really right for a father to give 2 different guys his blessing to marry his daughter? Seems counter to the whole point of it.

Ali and her family chat about the 2 guys. In a stunning upset, her dad thinks Roberto loves her and is more ready to move to the next step.

Chubby sister thinks Chris is better. Of course she does. She's already lining him up for a chance encounter next Thanksgiving at the Cape, when Ali has gone to bed early, and the two of them have a glass of wine over a "Friends" rerun, and she tells him how she understands him and his dead mom better than Ali ever could. That's how it goes in my head, anyway.

Ali: "I love going on machines that are really fast". Luckily for her, Roberto lives his life a quarter mile at a time.

Ali and Roberto swim with some sting rays. Roberto thinks it's safe. Yeah, tell that to the Crocodile Hunter.

Roberto says "you can be at this beautiful place, but if you're not with someone special, it's not the same, this makes it all worth it". What about when you're on the toilet? I like for my someone special to be as far away as possible in those situations.

Ali is baffled by the idea that Roberto "could be mine". Come on, self esteem. Come on up here, you can do it. Ali says he's the "sexiest man". Not according to People Magazine.

Ali says she gave up everything to be here. Of course, in her case "everything" is an entry level job at Facebook.

Ali says that Roberto needs to open up more and she needs to know how she feels. Um, didn't he just ask your dad for permission to marry you, and didn't your dad (who in my imagination hates minorities) just tell you that Roberto clearly is hopelessly in love with you and totally ready to get married? What more do you need? More salsa dancing? Cause that can be arranged.

Roberto gives her a picture. As a Bachelor historian, I can tell you that gift giving has always meant certain doom.

Roberto tells Ali he loves her in spanish. Ali looks like she has no idea what he said.

Something weird happens here: Ali interviews to us that she loves Roberto. "I've never ever in my whole life felt this good about a relationship and a person. Everything I came here to find, I found in Roberto". Then she says even though she has a date with Chris the next day and she should go, she can't. "I don't want to say goodbye to Roberto".

They've never done this before. Are they giving away the ending? They couldn't be. So what the fuck?

The next day. Poor Chris. He's excited as he waits for her, having no idea that she's just minutes away from having the crap banged out of her by a beefy Latin lover.

Chris says he's going to "shower her with love". You better hope she showered with a shower.

Ali comes in, very flustered. Multiple orgasms will do that to a lady. She sits him down, it feels like she's going to dump him right here. This is a curveball, people!

She's losing her mind. She's talking like some kind of tweaker. Did that make me sound old? I don't know drug words. But it really feels like she's on something.

Ali is all over the place. Finally, she says:

"Even if two people are really enjoy spending time together I don't necessarily think like, it's supposed to be...do you understand what I'm saying?"

He clearly doesn't. And then:

"I'm in love with somebody else"

There's only one thing we can draw from this: Roberto has one helluva dick.

Wow! Didn't see that coming. She says "I have to let you go here and not wait for tomorrow". I assume the producers told her to do that so we'd have a different type of of finale. And I'll tell you what, I approve.

Poor, poor Chris. She was the one!

He says he's gonna need some time, "this kind of snuck up on me". Yeah, he was expecting to get dumped the way they normally do it on this show.

I feel bad because Chris is really too nice and normal for this show. Normally I like to enjoy these dumpings a lot more. See, even in dumping he makes me sad.

I have a theory: Chris was such a nice guy, they didn't want to burn him the way they normally do, and probably felt everyone would hate Ali if she did it that way to him. Maybe.

Chris is sad. But then he sees a rainbow! You know who did it, don't you? Dead mom. And he literally says that. Rainbows sure have been in the news a lot lately.

Is Chris the next Bachelor? Is that really a good idea? I need awhile to look at the magic rainbow and think about it.

They do this whole bizarre build up to the end where they try to make it seem like the ending is anything but a foregone conclusion.

Ali must be so bummed that she could've had Jake and now she's stuck with Roberto.

Chris Harrison appearance!

Roberto walks up the God Damn Spanish Steps to get up to where Ali is. He's exhausted.

Why are they acting like Roberto gets to make the final choice here? Very weird.

Roberto is one of those guys where I can actually see his beard growing while he talks. A lot of sweat on that brow right now.

Ali tells Roberto that he's "the only guy here tonight". And Roberto is so excited, he goes for an aggressive kiss, and Ali dodges it like Floyd Mayweather! So wonderfully awkward.

For some reason, Ali doesn't have to say anything at this rose ceremony. So Roberto just gets down on one knee and proposes and she says yes. Congratulations, Ali! You get to live in Tampa and be Mrs. Insurance Salesman.

And for Chris, well, there's always Raya.

As we see moments from Ali and Roberto's relationships, that Elton John song from The Lion King plays. Poor Jeffrey Osbourne, this used to be his gig.

And ladies and gentlemen, this season is finally over. I really thought she was choosing herself, but I'm happy with Roberto. He is very beefy, and obviously, his weiner knows how to close the show.

There's an After the Final Rose show. Frank bailed on it. Nothing happens. Ali and Roberto are still happy. And Chris's mom is still dead.

The End.