Bachelor Pade: Episode 4

Hello.

Wes calls Gia leaving "an absolute atrocity". Maybe that can be his second single. He's also sick of the smoke constantly being blown up his ass. Even worse, David is "mean-mugging" him. It's possible Wes used to ghost write for Lil Bow Wow.

Everyone has to take a survey about the other people in the house. I wonder if Tenley will cry over this...yep. Irwinstradamus strikes again.

Wes is really obsessed with Gia. I guess he's not aware that she has a boyfriend and that he is a douche.

The next day, they take a quiz using the survey everyone filled out. First question: "Who do you think will win?" Most people guess Kiptyn, and it's Kiptyn. Not surprising, since these are the same dumbasses who filled out the survey. This is retarded, no?

Question 2: Who is your biggest enemy? They all guess Krisily, and it's Krisily. Yeah, they are the ones that filled it out! Pretty sure they're all getting an A+ on this "quiz".

3. Who is the most shallow? Split between Krisily and Elizabeth. The winner - Elizabeth. She also won for worst hair and most deserving of a punch in the face.

4. Who is the dumbest? My guess: Handsome Jesse. Just look at him. The majority guess Dumb Natalie. The correct answer? Gwen! Whoa. That's a shot out of nowhere. I think these idiots confused the word dumb with old.

5. Who do you secretly have a crush on? The guess? Dave. The answer - Dave. No one has turned his world around from Bachelor season to Bachelor Pad more than Dave. He used to be a piece of crap. But amongst these people he's Johnny fucking Depp.

6. Who is going to be a bridesmaid and never a bride? It's Elizabeth. But they guess Natalie. And it's Natalie. Really? I thought for sure it would be the fake blonde and fake 30 year old.

7. Who is considered to be the biggest jerk? Wes. The real answer is...Wes. Wes didn't guess himself and he's shocked. I guess he doesn't watch "The Bachelor".

8. Who has the worst boob job? The women are not happy with this question at all. God, I hope it's Elizabeth. It's a good bet, because she does have the worst everything else. And it's Elizabeth! Finally.

Kovacs didn't want to piss off Elizabeth so he didn't put her name down. So instead, as a gentleman, he wrote "Krisily". Because who cares what that old bag thinks?

Handsome Jesse and Tenley win. That's the first time that sentence has ever been written.

Everyone goes back in the house and all of the women immediately start crying. Ha! You mean girls don't like hearing that they'll never get married and have awful boobs?

Gwen consoles Natalie because of the "bridesmaid" thing. Meanwhile, she got called an idiot by everyone and is fine with it. I guess that's the beauty of being an idiot.

Kovacs awkwardly tries to console Elizabeth about the boob job and being shallow thing. He goes "people don't...think...a lot of those...things...it's just they had to put an answer down...you're not shallow...there's probably a lot of girls here are jealous of you". Didn't mention the boobs!

Poor Kovacs. He's the kind of guy who is going to go out with Elizabeth for a long time, finally break up, then go out with a normal girl and be confused that girls can be cool.

For her date, Tenley chooses Kiptyn. And guess what they go on? The Bachelor Copter! It's about time. Amazingly, Kiptyn had never been on a helicopter. How is that even possible?

They Bachelor Copter it over to Catalina and go zip lining. Tenley cries. Then they make out. She says it's "more than she ever could've imagined". Can you imagine a woman in her mid-twenties, who has been married and divorced, saying that about a kiss? I mean, really.

What would Kiptyn and Tenley name their kid? Tentyn? Kipten? How about Jesus? Because its mother will somehow still be a virgin.

Tenley gives him the rose and the fantasy suite. You know what a fantasy suite with Tenley means...pajama party! Ooh, and they can tell ghost stories and make popcorn and use a ouji board. Just good clean fun.

The only thing whiter than Tenley are Tenley's teeth.

For his date, Handsome Jesse chooses Peyton. And they go on...the Bachelor Bi-Plane! God Damn air travel. There's gonna be a Bachelor air related death and everyone is gonna be shocked except for me.

Note to the ladies: if you have black hair, dye it blonde and Handsome Jess will bang you. Except for you, Elizabeth.

Unfortunately, as the date goes on, we find out why Jesse needs to go on these shows. He's terrible. Peyton is horrified. This is what happens when you're so good looking that you don't have to learn life skills.

In a Bachelor first, Peyton turns down the fantasy suite. Wow. When you look like Jesse and you get rejected on this show, you need to check yourself. In defense of Jesse though, the way Peyton says the word "ro-mance" is very, very annoying. Crawl into this century, American south.

For some reason, it's supposedly a foregone conclusion that Kovacs is getting voted out. He's in one of the "power couples". So are other people, but whatever. Anything that will cause Elizabeth pain makes me happy.

On the girl's side, Gwen is on the "chopping block". The reason: she hasn't "opened up" to anyone. Give her a break, she's menopausal.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It comes down to Gwen vs. Krisily, and Kovacs vs. Wes. And the people eliminated are..

KRISILY and WES

Krisily is angry, and calls out the "power couples". Um, this is a reality show, someone had to get eliminated, and no one really liked you. But the good news is you got 2nd place in the "worst boob job" category.

Next week: 3 girls get eliminated. Tenley cries.