The Bachelor Pad: Episode 3

I am teetering on the edge of being over this. But because of you, I soldier on...

Gia begins the episode by calling out Nikki for bailing on the "vote out Kiptyn" plan. This makes Gia the prime target for ouster. Only one problem with that: she's hot. And guys, and producers, love to keep hot girls around.

This week: a kissing contest. They're finally getting rid of the pies and just going straight to prostitution. I'm fine with that. But Gia isn't. Because she has a (gasp!) boyfriend. Um, did he see you on The Bachelor? Because you made out with Jake. And if he's okay with you after seeing that, I assume he's okay with anything.

The contest works like this: they blindfold a girl, she kisses all the guys, and then she chooses the best kisser. And then the guys will do the same thing. Elizabeth goes first. She says she's looking forward to kissing all the guys...except for the Weatherman. Burrrr, awfully frosty for summer.

One on one, the guys proceed to make out with Elizabeth. Ha! Can't tease now, can you? But how come the guys are okay with this? That's like licking another dude. Even worse: it's kissing Elizabeth.

Even though Elizabeth is blindfolded, she correctly names the Weatherman as the worst kisser. His tongue hit her with too many unexpected showers.

You know that monkey that started AIDS? These are the humans who started mono.

Seriously, is Tenley 8 years old? Grow the fuck up. She is asking to be cheated on.

Hold the phone. Tenley just stepped out of her comfort zone and laid a big fat frenchy on Handsome Jesse. Okay, girl, I see you.

Gia cries some more. She knows her pecks can't compare to the crazy tongue action that is happening.

Natalie the whore attacks the Weatherman with a long kiss. He pops a category 5 boner. Elizabeth attacks him too. They are the definitely the rape kissers of the group.

The best kisser, according to the ladies, is...David.

The best girl kisser is...Peyton. Who? I don't know. But Natalie is none too pleased.

David picks the girls for his date. They are: Nikki (ew), Krisily (who is now in love with David because of his kissing), and Natalie. They're going to Vegas. Ironically, that's where Natalie got dumped by Jason.

I'm not gonna lie, a lot of people say "I'm not gonna lie" on this show.

They hang out at a topless pool. And of course, the one girl who goes topless is the girl with no boobs - Natalie.

Krisily awkwardly tries to get some David loving. It's embarrassing. She's like the Weatherman of the girls.

After the pool, they all get dressed up to go to dinner. But then David finds a card that tells him he has to hand out a rose to one girl, and the 2 other girls have to skidaddle. David: "I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't ready for that quite yet".

He gives the rose to Natalie. Why? She's a sure thing. Krisily thinks he missed out. Well yeah, if you're talking about boobs.

Krisily keeps yapping about how she felt chemistry with David during their kiss. Sweetie, everyone did, that's why he won the fricking kissing contest. At one point, Nikki says to her "maybe we should've gone topless". This is just occurring to you!!!

David and Natalie go to a fantasy suite and have sex.

Back at the house, Peyton picks the boys for her date. They are: Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Handsome Jesse. Tenley gets jealous that Kiptyn's going on the date. So she decides to spend some time with him before he goes. She says "I think I should blow him out of the water and surprise him a little bit". How about just blowing him?

And Kiptyn rejects her! He gives her the ol' "I need to sleep" routine. He thinks being with her has put a target on his back. It's also put blue balls in your pants. He doesn't want to be seen with her. The recurring pattern of Tenley's life.

The date is drag racing. Romance!

Elizabeth is 30 years old after a glorious 5 year run of being 29.

The whole strategy here is to pretend your single so you get chosen for dates and given roses. Kiptyn tells Peyton that Tenley means nothing to him so she'll give him a rose. Kovacs does the same thing regarding Elizabeth. Jesse tells her that "Natalie was so welcoming when he came into the house". Yeah, her vagina is a welcome mat.

I've never seen anyone more hyped for the fantasy suite than Handsome Jesse. He can't stop talking about it.

Favorite line of the night, from Kovacs: "Elizabeth has ruined everything for me". So true, in so many ways.

Wes sweet talks Gia some more. And you know what's next...he gets the damn guitar and plays that same stupid song. Jesus. This is why I don't get hot ladies, I'm not lame.

Gia says this about Wes: "I've never met a person in my life like that boy. He's like the modern day Shakespeare, but better and cuter". Calm down, she's obviously drunk, and dumb as shit.

Gia tries to save her ass by talking to the dudes and crying a lot. Wes helps her by telling everyone they need to "break up the couples". Elizabeth is in trouble too, and it's unclear why Kovacs doesn't just turn on her and get the guys to vote her out.

The Weatherman is in trouble too - he's not in a couple, it's just that all the girls are afraid on the next show there will be a sex contest.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Kovacs gets the final rose, and The Weatherman is gone. No! This was totally not in the 5 day forecast.

On the women's side, there is a tie: Elizabeth and Gia. David gets to break it. He chooses Elizabeth, so Gia is gone.

Wow, double whammy tonight. Two great people eliminated - one person we love to look at, and Gia.

Next week...we find out who has the worst boob job! Spoiler alert: it's the girl who just left the house.