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Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Hip Hop Smoothed Out On an R&B Tip

Posted on 10:19 by jona
The first concert I ever went to was Huey Lewis and the News. My favorite thing in the world was sports, and Huey had an album called, well, "Sports".

And for some reason, members of the San Francisco 49ers would go on stage with the band during their shows. Since the Niners were/are my favorite team, this seemed pretty awesome. And I have no idea why but it didn't even seem that strange at the time. It's like, "Cool! They're doing 'Heart of Rock N' Roll' and linebacker Ricky Ellison is playing the bongos!"

The second concert I ever went to was headlined by MC Hammer. But I was really there for the middle act, which was a new group called Boyz II Men. I remember getting to the arena in Oakland, and inside it was maybe a third full, and the opener was just finishing up their last song. It was TLC, and no one gave a shit.

The third concert I ever went to was Bell Biv Devoe. The opener was Johnny Gill, and the second act was Keith Sweat.

At the close of the show, BBD brought out a basketball hoop. Music and sports! But Ricky Ellison was nowhere to be found. Anyway, after the song "Poison" was all but wrapped up, Bell, or was it Devoe? threw up what amounted to a half court shot and hit nothing but net. I thought it was just about the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.

A year later I saw them again in San Diego. Again, the basketball hoop came out. But this time, about 10 bricks followed. See? It really had been amazing!

Well last night, exactly 20 years later, I went to see BBD at the House of Blues. My life has come full circle.

The crowd was great. Before BBD went onstage, the DJ warmed us up with some EPMD, Bobby Brown, Mary J. Blige, Naughty By Nature, and even some Another Bad Creation. Every time a new song came on, there was an audible "awwww shit". As in, "aw shit, that's my jam". These were my people.

Finally, BBD came on. They opened with the song "Dope", just as they did in 1990. There was a tiny black woman next to me (most of the black women there could not be described as "tiny"), and at one point, during "Do Me", we were doing the "Do Me" dance from the video in unison. To the left, then to the right, then to the left again. It had to be what Martin Luther King Jr. had in mind.

But then an annoying Asian lady next to me couldn't do it and crashed into me - she went left as we were going right - causing me to ruin my flow with the tiny Black Lady, and I imagined her disappointment as she chalked me up to just another white dude.

The great thing about the House of Blues is that there are no seats. It is standing room only, and you can get as close to the stage as you can push yourself to. I also learned that this can be a bad thing.

Because 20 years ago, my seats were way far away on the 2nd deck. But last night, I was right up in Ricky Bell's grill. And it made me very self conscious. Why?

Well, because I am literally 10 feet away from them. So as Michael Bivins is singing "the time was 6:00 on the Swatch watch...", I am singing "the time was 6:00 on the Swatch watch..." and the dude is looking RIGHT AT ME!


We're making eye contact over this gay song. And I start thinking about what he must be thinking about. Namely, look at this 34 year old dork singing about Swatch watches! It was a strange and slightly humiliating experience, for the both of us.

But it was a great show. In fact, it was nearly identical to the show they did way back when. I think the song order was even the same. Of course, one thing was different - they no longer have the budget for the basketball hoop routine.
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Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Possibly My Last Post of 2010 Tomorrow!

Posted on 12:06 by jona
I will be telling the story of the concert I'm going to tonight. I hope something funny happens, either way, you'll hear about it...
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This Lady Works in Every Administration

Posted on 11:34 by jona
I was watching one my favorite movies, "Dave", today and noticed this lady:


And I was thinking to myself, "God Damn! Is that lady in every movie about the white house?"

So I looked her up on IMDB, and she is!

She was in "The American President", "The Manchurian Candidate", and was a recurring character on "The West Wing".

I know Hollywood loves to pigeon hole people, but jeez, this seems awfully specific. She must sit around her house praying someone is writing the next President movie.

I guess she exudes authority. When a white President is in office, he needs an older black lady to tell him what is what. But the same doesn't go for a black President, because Chris Rock egregiously kept her out of "Head of State'.
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Friday, 17 December 2010

Big Government vs. Free Enterprise

Posted on 10:30 by jona
People who hate big government always like to argue about it's inefficiencies by saying "look at the US postal service!" It definitely has its issues, there's no arguing that. But I'm always amazed that I can drop an envelope into a giant blue box on a random street and then someone 500 miles away is handed that same envelope the next day. And also, Netflix.

A competitor to the US Postal Service that isn't run by the government is Fed Ex. To the people who shit on the regular post office I would ask, "have you been to a Fed Ex location lately?"

Cause I got a notice on my door that there was a package I needed to sign for. Then the next day I got a second notice. Since I have a job, it wasn't looking good for that signature to happen. So after work I hauled my ass down to Fed Ex, which has a lot less locations than the Post Office, with seemingly all of them being in the hood.

I go in there and I'm immediately met by a crowd of people. It wasn't a line, it was just people waiting. Oh boy. But there was also a line. And this is the system that they had in place:

Two people worked the front desk. They would take people's door tags. After they had 10 or so, then both of them would leave their post, go into the back, and hunt down the packages.

Meanwhile, the line of people with door tags to give them would grow. I spent 45 minutes there, just to pick up an envelope. Here was the scene:


And there were more people behind me, and to the left, and to the right. I love how angry everyone looks in this picture though.

In summation, Fed Ex sucks.
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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

More Anger

Posted on 12:46 by jona
After the success of my last post - the comments section lit up like wildfire - I figured you'd love to hear more anger. Well, I've got it for you. Here's the latest on deadline.com:
CBS DEVELOPING TWITTER BASED FAMILY COMEDY PRODUCED BY JESSICA ALBA

In 1997, Kelly Oxford, a stay-at-home mother of three in Canada, started a blog that was later joined by a Twitter feed. Her Internet creations, which reflect her comedic observations and musings about mundane things, pop culture and current events, grew to become a cultural force and attracted the attention of Hollywood’s elite, including actress Jessica Alba. Now, Oxford is writing Mother of All Something, a comedy project for CBS based on her blog and Twitter feed, with Alba attached to executive produce.
How many things are wrong with this news?

Let's start with the first and most obvious: Jessica Alba.

She's on as an executive producer. That implies, at least to me, that someone in the world thinks Jessica Alba is too big for TV, but she's such a star and big name, that she can come down to poor little television and throw her name on something as an EP, and this will somehow help the show become successful.

Because if there is one thing Jessica Alba knows, it is successful entertainment. Can you imagine the script notes Executive Producer Jessica Alba gives? Make it a little more like "Into The Blue".

Don't you have to demonstrate some sort of consistent success and savvy to be an Executive Producer?

"All right, guys. Great set of pilots this season, time to make some hard choices. The question is: Should we pick up the show from Bruckheimer, the one from Brian Grazer, the one from JJ Abrams, or that twitter feed Jessica Alba follows?"

Okay, second part. Twitter.

This is the 3rd show CBS has bought that started as a twitter feed. I don't get it. I really don't. And I'm not a hater about it - congrats to everyone who sells something like this. But from the network's perspective, what is the thinking?

There's not a substantial fan base of twitter feeds. No one was clamoring to see "Shit My Dad Sees" because they loved the twitter. In fact, it seems the opposite is true. People wanted to hate it. So that can't be it.

And as I once brilliantly tweeted myself:

"if you took the best lines from a shitty sitcom, you'd have a funny twitter feed. then cbs would buy it and you'd have a shitty sitcom"

Incidentally, I really thought that tweet was going to be huge, thus spawning it's own sitcom. Instead, crickets.

But the point, people, is clear. Hire 5 sitcom writers, put them in a room, have them only come up with tweets. Believe me, it would be hilarious. Put those same writers in a room, have them write a half hour script for Jenna Elfman. Believe me, it would be a piece of shit.

They're different things! Tweets aren't a sitcom. Sitcoms have a few jokes a minute, A, B, and C stories, runners, call backs, act breaks, tags, and different characters.

I'm not really sure what the point is here. "Shit My Dad Says" got on the air. Okay. But it's a very traditional sitcom, not a new idea in anyway, and they got Shatner.

At the end of the day, I think it's just about being easy to understand for the executives and a somewhat proven commodity. They don't have to read a yucky 50 page script, they get 140 characters. And they get it without all that annoying story or drama. It's boiled down to jokes that have been proven to be funny by people on twitter.

I get that. So I guess the real confusing thing in this whole equation is Alba. What is she bringing to the table exactly? She clearly doesn't know what a good script looks like. She doesn't know TV, unless you count her infamous 1 episode arc as a pregnant teen on 90210. Oh, and "Dark Angel".

Is this is a sign that she might be thinking her movie career is over? Is it TV time for her? Maybe if she's just an EP and then it goes down, no harm done. But if she's attached to star and it fails, then it looks really bad. Alba isn't even good enough to be on TV!

That must be it. If this thing gets a 13 episode order, she's the lead. If not, it was supposed to star Kristen Kreuk or Summer Glau and nobody will be the wiser.

I've cracked the case. You're welcome. Now get to twitter, there's a sitcom deal out there waiting for you.
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Monday, 13 December 2010

My 1st Annual Black List Award

Posted on 17:16 by jona
The Black List came out today. That is the list of the "best unproduced screenplays of the year", as voted on by agents and managers".

In truth, many of these scripts are getting produced. I believe "The Social Network" was on it last year. And there are always accusations that one agency or the other manipulated the list.

But whatever, it's all we got, and it's probably a good enough representation of what scripts people liked. It's also fascinating to read and see what ideas are floating around.

The joke among my friends is that getting on the Black List is all about the title. There are always scripts that make it with swear words in the title and little else. Last year, "I Want to Fuck Your Sister" was on it. This year, we get "I Fucked Your Mom".

It feels like it's more about a gimmick than anything else. But more power to them.

Coincidentally, the day the Black List comes out is also the same day when I get really angry reading the Black List, mostly because I am sad and bitter. There is inevitably some awful stuff on it. It's usually a hacky logline that sets me off, and this year was no different.

But before we get to that, let's take a look at the list in general.

Zombies were big this year. Lots of zombies. There's a movie called "Boy Scouts vs. Zombies", and one called "Zombie baby". How about this one:

KITCHEN SINK by Oren Uziel
“A human teenager, a vampire, and a zombie must save their town from an alien invasion.”

That's everything that's popular in one! You have to buy it because it has everything people like right now. Something tells me Oren wasn't writing his little passion project on this one.

That's exactly the kind of script that ends up on this list, only he forgot to call it "I Want to Fuck Zombies and Vampires".

I've read a number of the scripts on here, some of which are really good. I'm actually not that angry about the list, and it's nice to read stuff that is great and see that other people think it's great too.

My current favorite is this guy named Dan Fogelman. He's also Hollywood's favorite right now, and he is unquestionably the hottest writer in town. He sold 3 specs this year for like $6 million bucks. 2 of them are on the list. I liked both. Here's one:

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE. by Dan Fogelman
“Straight-laced, forty-something Cal Weaver is living the dream – good job, nice house,great kids, and marriage to his high school sweetheart - but when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his ‘perfect’ life quickly unravels.”

This movie is going to star Steve Carell. It's a great script, and shows why you can't always trust a logline. The weird thing about it is there is not a single original thing in it. Not one. You've seen all of it before, and yet...the script is amazing! He did it in an original, funny way, that you can completely see as a movie. He is a beast. Congrats.

But enough pleasantries, let's get back to the bitterness.

I'm here to announce that for the first time ever, I will be giving out my very own Black List Award.

This award goes to the screenplay on the Black List that most angers me. There were several strong candidates this year, but I'm happy to say that one stood out above all others. In fact, upon first reading it on the list, I thought it was some kind of cruel joke.

But before we get to that, we have co-runners up...

Co-Runner up:

HOT MESS by Jenni Ross
“Four girlfriends make, and then break, a list of rules devised to get the guys of their dreams and discover their inner hot messes in the process.”

I really hate "rules to find the perfect mate" premises. So annoying. Even Kate Hudson won't do them anymore. You can feel the log line struggling to connect with the title - a "hip" phrase that assures us of how hip the writer is. Here's a hip phrase: fuck you.

Co-Runner Up:

REPLAY by Jason Smilovic
“Based on the Ken Grimwood novel. A man dies, wakes up in his 18-year old body, and gets to relive his life over and over. With his original memory intact, he takes the opportunity to travel down roads he passed up the first time around.”

We all know this movie, we've all seen this movie, and yet here is this movie again. We have to give the screenwriter a break because this is based on a book. The writer got an assignment to turn this thing into a movie and was just doing his job.

But seriously? Did they not see "17 Again"? Okay, they're lucky if they haven't seen it, but they should've at least heard about it. Not to mention Peggy Sue Got Married and a number of other movies. Why am I the only one that needs respect things that have already been done?

Okay, I've delayed it long enough. Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, the most anger inducing script of 2010!

PERFECT MATCH by Morgan Schechter & Eric Pearson
“Twenty-eight year old male and female roommates who are longtime best friends and unlucky in love decide to try an internet dating service which promises to introduce them to their ‘perfect match.’ In the process, they discover that they're each other's perfect match.”

Instead of an acceptance speech, thus now begins the traditional post award rage filled rant...

Thanks, everyone. I'm honored to be here tonight. In accepting this award on behalf of the writers, I'd like to ask them one question:

How in the hell, in motherfucking 2010, are you writing this script?! How? Answer me!

How do you sit at your computer, and go "I have a brilliant idea!" and write this unoriginal trash? Why aren't you answering me?

You do realize that it's been done on every sitcom, right? Every single one has done this. That's not an exaggeration. Even non-sitcoms have done it, hell, 90210 did it with Steve and Claire!

How hacky is it? They literally did it on "Three's Company"! No seriously, they did:

"Mate For Each Other" May 11, 1982
Jack and Janet meet with friends, a couple who were paired together by a computer dating service. Initially dismissive of the idea, Jack decides to try out the service secretly. When Jack arrives at the designated meeting place, he is shocked to discover he has been paired up with an equally secretive Janet.

There weren't even computers in 1982 and they did this shit! That's how awful it is. People were doing this idea before it was even possible to do this idea. It was thought of in advance!

Why does this piss me off so much?

Okay, I spend every God Damn minute of every God Damn day thinking that someone might be doing the same idea as me. I get a pit in my stomach every morning when I check deadline.com worried that my idea has been sold by someone else. This is my life.

And to think that someone out there is just watching Three's Company one night and does the same thing and it doesn't matter, and is in fact, rewarded for this "effort", drives me up the fricking wall.

I told my agent that I had an idea that took place in a border town next to Mexico. She sent me 3 scripts in development that all involved something with Mexico - none were like my idea - but she said "it's already being done". This is my life.

Three's Company!

But it's all right. I'm calm. I can't be bitter, I can't be angry, I just have to focus on my career.

In fact, I have a pretty good idea I've just started working on. I don't want anyone to steal it, so I can't reveal what it is. But I can tell you that it involves Mr. Furley.
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Sunday, 12 December 2010

Just Finished the Book "Unbroken"

Posted on 20:38 by jona
I was on the elliptical machine today, working out, and finishing the book "Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption" by Laura Hillenbrand, and I was bawling. Just crying my eyes out as I finished.

Now, it could've been the book, or it could've been the result of the worst fantasy football day I've ever experience in my 20 years as General Manager. But it probably was a little bit of both.

Hillenbrand wrote "Seabiscuit", which I didn't read - probably because I hate all animals. But I do enjoy history and nonfiction, and gave this a shot when my sister mentioned it over Thanksgiving.

It's about Louis Zamperini, a long distance runner who competed in the 1936 Olympics. Then when the war started he joined the Air Force, crashed in the Pacific, floated on a raft with no food for 47 days surrounded by sharks, got captured by Japan and sent to POW camps, and somehow made it home.

It probably helped my enjoyment that I had no idea of what was going to happen at all. After every 50 pages I would tell whoever was closest to me: "do you know about this? why isn't this more famous?!"

I knew it was going to be good when I was 100 pages into it and I read the Entertainment Weekly review. It basically said that "after you get past the crappy 100 pages, the good story kicks in". Well, I loved the first 100 pages. The dude makes it to the Olympic in an event he only ran 3 times, hangs out with Jesse Owens, then meets Hitler, all in the first hundred pages! What more do you want, EW?

It's after the last part of the book where I began weeping like a baby. I'm not sure why. But I was disappointed the book was ending there. It seemed like after reading about all the torture this guy had been through, he (and I) deserved some time being happy in America. But it was not to be.

While I agree that it's the crazy/amazing stuff that happened to him during the war that makes the story, it seems a little crappy to me that getting home and living a normal life wasn't worth any pages. I mean, you're leaving out 60 (!) years of this guy's life. He's in his 90's and still kicking around LA. You're telling me nothing cool happened in that time?

Anyway, I recommend it. It's rare that a book makes you root for the A-bomb to be unleashed.

And he should be more famous.
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Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Confused About Facebook

Posted on 21:05 by jona
Mark Zuckerberg was on "60 Minutes" on Sunday. What a weirdo. In a way, he is a lot like R. Kelly. He is a genius at one thing, but that genius comes at the expense of being able to function in society as a normal human being.

Zuckerberg needs to stick to writing code and avoid all cameras and reporters, just as R. Kelly needs to stick to singing and avoid 15 year old girls.

But there's a few things I don't understand about Facebook.

During the interview, they took a little tour of the Facebook offices. Leslie Stahl said that they had to move to a giant hangar to accomodate all of the employees. And they showed a bunch of "hackers" typing away on computers, with Zuckerberg saying they have competitions to write code the fastest.

So my confusion is: what are they working on?

What are all these "hackers" hacking? What code needs to be written? When I go on Facebook, it's the same shit! There's nothing new going on. It's a simple website. News feed? It's still there. Most recent? Humming along. Updates? Same as always.

Espn.com must have 2 hangars - their site has different sports pages, a scoreboard updating every second, streaming video! It must take a whole God Damn city of people to keep that shit going if Facebook needs a hangar.

Another thing: how is it worth $30 billion dollars?

Every time I hear about this company, this number shoots up by about $5 billion. Does no one remember what happened to Myspace?

There's a chance that people might find a new place to stalk their high school crushes. Seems like that should hurt the value a bit.

And finally, why does Zuckerberg stay? Sell! What more can you do? It's facebook! That's it, you did it. You're not thinking up Ipads, you're making everyone look at each other's stupid marathon photos. We get it, you ran 26 miles, so did practically everyone else.

The point is, you won. Cash out. I'm sure facebook is going to branch out in other areas, but the basic premise is pretty much complete.

And if you don't think getting out is a good idea, allow me to introduce you to my friends, Jonathan Abrams, Peter Chin, and Dave Lee. They invented Friendster, they didn't sell, and now they have to live on a paltry hundred million dollars.
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Monday, 6 December 2010

Bangs

Posted on 22:35 by jona


Never a good idea.
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Friday, 3 December 2010

Explain to Me Why Glee Isn't the Worst

Posted on 15:16 by jona
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This Makes Me Laugh A Lot

Posted on 13:07 by jona
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Thursday, 2 December 2010

Mailbag!

Posted on 10:53 by jona
Sarah asked a question in the comments of my last post, and I started replying and it got too long for the comments. So I thought I'd just do another post about "The Walking Dead". Here's her question:
Sarah said...

How do you feel about the (rumors? news?) about the Walking Dead writing staff? Seems a bit bizarre to me. But I assume you would have more insight into that than most people...
Here's the article about the decision to get rid of the "The Walking Dead" writing staff.

Frank Darabont ("Shawshank Redemption", "The Green Mile") is the man in charge of this show. He wrote the first 2 episodes. He's a feature guy, so maybe he thinks there's a better way to do things in TV.

They don't have staff writers on BBC shows, but they only have 6 episodes to deal with. "The Walking Dead" is doing 13 next season, and (I guess) will rely on freelancers to be hired per show. The main problem with that plan, it would seem to me, would be continuity.

Hiring a guy off the street to write episode 11, and he doesn't know what the hell is going on with the show, would be a pain in the ass. It seems like it would be better to have a group of writers sit and plan out the entire season together, see each episode as it is put together, and find that same voice/tone, etc.

This is going to be a big problem, especially if you just look at the way this 1st season went. Darabont wrote the first 2 episodes of this season (there were only 6), and they were easily the best written. It fell off after that.

The guy who wrote the comic the show is based on is an Executive Producer and would stay and (I assume) write some of the episodes. Well, that sounds good, except for one tiny detail:

He wrote the shittiest episode of the season by far! He's the guy who did the infamous "abuela" episode that seemed like a first draft. So that's not a good sign.

I think it's an interesting model if you only have to do 6, but gets problematic when there is more. It's kinda cool to be able to bring in superstars to write each episode. But when you're dealing with a long season, I just think you'd be looking at a completely different show week to week.

Maybe if you had a true maniac like Aaron Sorkin it would work. He's a control freak who needs to have his imprint on every script. You could get a bunch of researchers and writer's assistants to feed him stuff and then he just cranks.

But I think when he was doing that on "The West Wing" he rarely ever got the shows produced on time. Also, he was doing a ton of drugs.

And finally, the obvious thing is: it's kind of a dick move, right? The show has been a success. It got picked up for a 2nd season, and this is how you do the writing staff? Not cool. If it was me, I'd wanna keep the same formula in place.
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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

2010 TV Season So Far

Posted on 21:07 by jona
In September, I wrote about the shows I planned on watching this season. Let's see how that went...

The show I was most excited about was "Lone Star". Whoops. Strike 1.

The thing that's pissed me off even more than it getting canceled is when people write that this show "sucked". Um, just because something gets canceled doesn't mean it sucked. Bad ratings can mean a lot of things - sometimes it's that the show is bad, other times it's the time slot, promotion, wrong network, etc.

There are a thousand things, But in this case, it's that sometimes retards don't know what's good for them. I miss "Lone Star".

And then there's "Boardwalk Empire". The warnings that it took awhile to get going proved to be true. But much like "The Wire", it was just setting things up and about midway through things started clicking. I love this show. It has just the right amount of boobs and just the wrong amount of disfigured faces.

People have complained about Steve Buscemi playing the lead. But he's not supposed to be a Tony Soprano type. He's more of an intellectual dude. And they play up that difference between his dumb brother. Not every "bad" criminal guy is a big bruiser, and that's okay.

Next, I wrote about "Hawaii 5-0". It's been as good as advertised. But it took about 2 episodes for me to realize, "hey, I don't watch procedurals". I haven't watched it since.

It's good at what it is, but I just have no interest in those types of shows at all. I'm a soap opera man, always have been.

"The Event". I've been waiting every week for this show to completely fall apart like "Flash Forward" did. It hasn't yet. That's not to say it won't, but it has been surprisingly good.

Unfortunately, NBC is doing the same thing ABC did to "Flash Forward" - they're splitting up the season and new episodes won't come back on for 3 more months. Has this strategy ever worked in the history of TV? I don't think so. But I'll be watching when it comes back, and I might be the only one.

"Better With You". My good friend writes on this show, so thank God it's good so there isn't any uncomfortableness. Much of the staff used to work on "Friends" and it shows in a good way.

I did a list of "3 Shows I Will Not Be Watching". And guess what? 2 have been canceled - "Undercovers" and "Running Wilde". The other one is still on the air, but still stars Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell.

"Running Wilde" means yet another failure for failed TV pilot extraordinaire Mitch Hurwitz. I guarantee you he will have at least 3 more pieces of shit for us to hate next season. For 99.9% of everyone in Hollywood, it's impossible to get even one chance. This guy gets a hundred every year. Yes, I'm bitter.

I was on the fence about "My Generation" and "Chase". I never watched either, but "My Generation" got canceled and "Chase" is universally hated.

And finally, a show that just started up that I didn't mention - "The Walking Dead" on AMC. I started watching it even though I'm not a big zombie guy. It's actually pretty good.

It's getting great ratings (for AMC) and is a critical darling. However, this show has the most amateurish moments I've ever seen. There are times when the writing is simply awful. It's weird.

It's like they're working off first drafts and there's no time for rewrites.

For example, there was a scene with a stand off between a group of survivors and a group of gang member survivors. Just as they're about to kill each other, one of the gangbanger's "abuela" comes out and the tension is relieved and all of the sudden they become buddies. It was so bad.

But still, they do some cool things. I'm enjoying it. And it's probably good for a show to do a couple of things that make me angry. They better be careful though, because it is definitely straddling the line and could quickly become awful. We'll see...
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Thursday, 25 November 2010

Happy Whore Thanksgiving

Posted on 14:51 by jona
I drove to Palm Springs for Thanksgiving last night. I was listening to Sirius/XM, and I started flipping the channels around. One show came up on the receiver that said "Whore Talk".

Well, I love whores and I love talk, so I decided to check it out. A girl was speaking in a very sexy voice, but she was just talking about her Thanksgiving dinner. She's like, "oooohhhh yeah, blackberries. ummmmmm, cherries. and pie".

I was pissed. That's not whore talk! That's food talk! I don't like mixing whores and food, except when I watch "9 and 1/2 Weeks".

But it reminded me of a very special Thanksgiving I had some years back.

About a week before, Joel McHale (name dropper!) took me to a wrap party for some crappy straight to video movie he had just shot. It was at the White Lotus in Hollywood (remember that place, LA people?). We were hanging out, and Joel was very kind to introduce me to an actress who had a bit part in the movie.

She was very attractive, and we had a nice time and I got the digits. It just so happened that we were both going to be in San Diego for Thanksgiving. She asked me if I wanted to hang out after turkey. I said okay.

So after the Thanksgiving feast I put on some jeans and my best sweater and met her out at a bar, along with 2 of her friends. We were hanging out, drinking, having an okay time. And then she goes, "hey, let's go to the strip club!".

This seemed odd, but am I really going to say no to the attractive yet obviously insane actress that's been drinking and wants to see some boobs with me? The short answer is no.

So we go to the strip club. And this may shock you, but a strip club on Thanksgiving is just about the saddest thing you've ever seen in your life. I guess it's the kind of place you go if the only thing you can possibly be thankful for is tits.

The place instantly kills the mood, if there was ever a mood to begin with. I say "fuck it", and just go up to the stage and plop myself down. A black stripper was up there, doing something that Bristol Palin would call dancing but the rest of us would call walking.

She comes over to me. I have no idea what qualified her to be a stripper, other than the fact that she was willing to show that worn out body to strangers. She may or may not have had a bullet hole scar on her hip.

She kneels down to me, and goes "hey baby, how's your Thanksgiving?" I foolishly engage her in this conversation. I say foolishly because then she starts telling me everything she just had for dinner.

"And then my grandma brought her famous apple pie over..."

Keep in mind while she's telling me this she's bent over with her boobs on the floor.

And then she moves on to what her kids had for dinner. Not only did it ruin my Thanksgiving, it ruined my boner.

After that, we went home. I never saw her again. I never saw the actress again, either.
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Tuesday, 23 November 2010

I Think About This Every Day

Posted on 22:09 by jona
I was listening to Howard Stern interview Jerry Seinfeld the other day. He was asking Jerry what a typical day is like for him these days, and Jerry laughed and said how we all wonder what these celebrities do all day. He told a story of meeting Paul McCartney and asking him "so you have eggs with your breakfast, then what do you do?"

This struck a chord with me because I always wonder what odd celebrities are up to during the week. Sometimes I delete tweets because I get so repetitive with this thought.

Just as an example, what does Freddie Prinze Jr.'s week look like? What's a typical Tuesday for him? He doesn't have a job that I know about. His wife doesn't work anymore. That calendar can't be booked.

Do you know how long it takes to film a guest spot on "Psyche"? Half a day, tops. The rest of the time probably isn't that different from The Situation or Pauly D - gym, tan, laundry.

I literally spend at least a half hour on this a day. Does he cook? Read? Does Freddie Prinz own a Kindle or an Ipad? How soon before he has to dip into the Buffy money?

Then I was thinking that this should be a reality show. Just follow Freddie Prinze Jr. around. Then I realized that that is every reality show on E! Or at least what these reality shows are striving for.

But of course the problem with these shows is they aren't real. The producers have no confidence in their subject matter. Thus, they have to make up conflict and trips to the zoo and marriages to Lamar Odom. Once they choose someone to follow around, their job becomes being on a reality show.

I don't want that.

I want to watch Freddie Prinze Jr.'s Tuesday. His uninterrupted, untainted, Tuesday. If it's him on his couch on his laptop, I will watch every second of that. Is he a Huffington Post guy? I mean, seriously: what is he honestly up to? Because you know he still wants to be famous. You know Freddie thinks he could still easily be Tobey Maguire or Shia Labeouf. After all, the man was in "Summer Catch". The potential is clear as day.

And he doesn't have to audition. You either want Prinze or you don't, there's no in between on that guy. You've seen what he can do. You can't be convinced by a screen test. Rent a copy of "She's All That" and you'll get the gist.

I honestly don't know whether to admire Freddie and Sarah for so completely staying out of the public spotlight, or laugh at them for the public spotlight wanting nothing to do with them. Either way, they are God Damn invisible. And that's fine with me.

Full disclosure - I only hate Gellar because of her short stint as Erica Kane's daughter Kendall on All My Children. But hey, she really was a bitch on that show.

No matter what, I can safely say I will never know what Freddie is up to. But I am very confident that once he gets over the age of 40, his career will blow up again. Cause my theory has never failed.
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Monday, 22 November 2010

There Are People Dumber Than Sarah Palin

Posted on 13:36 by jona
I made a huge mistake recently and went over to the Drudge Report. As usual, there were a number of insanely titled links. One was "Like Mother, Bristol Palin Wins Over Public". The link sent me to some awful story from a website in France.

Another headline was "Sarah Palin's Happiness Is What Really Irks Liberals". Glutton for punishment that I am, I went to see what weird blog from what foreign country this was written from. But no, it was written by someone right here in America. A woman named S.E. Cupp, who I have seen a couple times on Bill Maher's show on HBO.

So I read the article, and I honestly believe it is the dumbest thing ever written on the internet, and I'm counting youtube comments.

This isn't just some random moron on the internet, although it is, this is someone who gets to write books and appear on TV. This boggles my mind. Do you know how many miracles had to happen for me to get my job? How is someone like this being paid to write things?

But more important than being dumb, it's actually the perfect example of how misguided, demented, foolish, and naive fans of Sarah Palin are.

Here's her thesis:
It seems everyone wants a piece of Palin these days. Some are fans, some are hostile foes. But regardless, we just can't stop talking about her. Will there ever be a time when we decide that we've figured her out and there's nothing else to say?

And then it hit me. The reason Palin has become such a lightening rod, a kingmaker and a punching bag, a celebrity and a power player, is simple. It's because she's so gosh darn happy.
Yes! That's what it is! Her happiness. That's what is so annoying to so many people. That's the same reason everyone hates Santa Claus - dude is so fucking happy.

She expands on this brilliant shitstorm:
But for her detractors, nothing raises the ire of cynical liberals more than a happy-go-lucky, totally unburdened, freethinking and self-assured conservative woman who has everything she wants and then some. And without anyone's help.

And Sarah Palin, more than almost any other public political figure, represents the "can do" rugged individualism and self-reliance that liberals fear most. She's not just running her household. She ran her state! And in her new documentary series, we see that independent streak clear as glacier water. Whether she's casting for salmon or scaling the rockface at Denali, she's smiling - and just won't quit.
I'm gonna have to quibble with some facts here. She kind of quit running her state, so I don't think you can count that. Also, her home? Her 17 year old got knocked up by an idiot, and her 14 year old hates "faggots". So I don't know if we can count that either.

And not to nitpick, from all accounts Sarah isn't always smiling. She seems to do an awful lot of whining - about the lamestream media, about John McCain's advisors, about her neighbors, about how hard it is being a Governor, about Levi, about the lamestream media again.

I think maybe SE doesn't understand that reality shows aren't real.
If Palin's critics really want her to go away, they don't have to worry about her politics, her faith or her folksy rhetoric. They need to worry about her boundless happiness which, like her favorite hunting weapon, is poised to be a warm gun for anyone who dares cross her path.
The crazed Palin conservatives are always looking for the reason that the majority of Americans dislike Sarah Palin. They argue that the reason is that she's too awesome for us.

I guess the real reason is too difficult to grasp:

She's not smart enough to be our President.

That's right, some of us non-believers might be making this decision on the merits, or demerits, as it were. How many gaffes can you ignore? How many lies is someone allowed? How many times can a politician quit the post they were elected to in order to be on TV for a living?

I don't get why these aren't factors.

"No, it's not that she quit being Governor, or not being able to answer simple questions, it's that she's so darn happy!"

Sorry. S.E., you're wrong. We don't care that she's happy. In fact, there's nothing we'd like more than for her to be happy and content with her life. Just as long as she doesn't run for president.

I'll leave you with a quote from Sarah I read today. It's from an interview she did with Sean Hannity that airs tonight. This was her explanation of why she won't do another interview with Katie '"What do you read?" evil liberal bias' Couric:

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism”

I want to help too, so can we start with SE Cupp?
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Friday, 19 November 2010

The Current Team Handleman Administration

Posted on 14:10 by jona
(Continued from yesterday...) So as I was saying, I fired my manager. But before that happened, he did help me get an agent - I had fired my (dickhead) agent at CAA a year before. And the agent he helped me get is the one I still have today and I actually love him.

The best part about my agent now is that he knows of my treatment by the manager and the guy I had at CAA, so he constantly overcompensates. When it's been awhile and he calls to check in, he goes "I don't want you to think I'm like that asshole manager!"

I'm glad that thought is in his head. I don't want him to be like that either. And I'm just waiting for the day when he slips a little and I can hit him with "you know, this is exactly how that asshole manager used to treat me". It would crush him. I love having my finger on that trigger.

And I have to say, being on the show I'm on now is helping a lot.

To be honest, these shows don't make that much of a difference to me. I always feel like I'm doing the same thing, writing jokes that I think are funny, etc. Obviously, the end product is very different for the audience, but to me it's all similar.

So this has been a strange phenomena for me. Our show is doing pretty well, and people are treating me differently. It's very confusing. Am I a better writer now? No. I just completely lucked into a good situation with a show that people like.

The phone calls from Team Handleman have dramatically increased. Now he buys me cocktails and dinner. He acts like the scripts I give him are good and important to him.

It sorta makes me depressed. Why?

Because now I see how shabbily I was treated before when I was even more of a nobody. And I'm pretty sure I'll go back to that status when I leave this show and get hired to write for Chelsea Lately. Which is almost guaranteed to happen at this point.

Until then, I'm enjoying the attention.
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Thursday, 18 November 2010

The Previous Team Handleman Administration

Posted on 10:20 by jona
About 5 years ago, I was unhappily writing on another show. I started to think "what kind of show would I like to be writing on right now?" I realized that what I'd most like to be doing is something with sports and comedy. Maybe a show like The Soup but with sports.

Obviously, this wasn't a revolutionary idea by any means, but I was oddly passionate about it and had a ton of ideas. I started working on it a little bit and trying to put it together.

The key to the thing, as all these types of shows are, is the host. Who would be the host? Well, there was only 1 person I'd really want to do it with who I knew could do it right. And that was Norm MacDonald.

Norm is a comedy God to me. Plus, he's a sports fan. If I could get him involved, I might have something.

Phone calls were made to the people around Norm, trying to gauge interest. But I couldn't do it on my own.

Luckily, I had a manager. We went to dinner. I told him the Sports Soup thing I wanted to do, and how it was the only thing I really wanted to do. And that Comedy Central was always looking for a sports show and they had yet to find one.

He kind of just smiled, shook his head, and he goes "you should do politics! Politics is huge, that's where it's at. Forget sports".

That was it. The matter was dropped, and he did not help me. The show never happened.

Today, I am sitting in my office. And people from Comedy Central have come by. They are borrowing our stage to shoot a pilot. It's called "The Sports Show with Norm MacDonald". It's a soup style show about sports.

I am in no way saying this was stolen from me. What I am saying is that I had a good idea, and Team Handleman completely dropped the ball yet again.

But worry not, I fired him 2 years ago.
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Wednesday, 17 November 2010

I Found 2 Black Hairs Growing From My Shoulder

Posted on 10:37 by jona
This is a pretty accurate artist's rendering of what I might be turning into...

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Monday, 15 November 2010

Handleman's Book Club

Posted on 20:15 by jona
I just finished reading Bill Carter's new book "The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early and Television Went Crazy". I don't know why, but reading about late night is way more interesting to me than actually watching late night.

I don't watch these shows, and don't really understand why other people do either. But then again, I'm the idiot who watches 2 episodes of "Friends" every single night that I've already seen a thousand times.

I keep seeing how all of these great comedic minds grew up watching the late night shows and consider Dave Letterman their idol. This is so odd to me, because I grew up at the same time and never, ever watched Letterman, yet was obsessed with SNL.

I was always impressed with myself for being a little kid and yet somehow watching a show that started at 11:30pm. But these motherfuckers somehow were able to watch Letterman at 12:30am on school nights? What terrible parents they must have had.

Bill Carter also wrote "The Late Shift", which was about Johnny Carson retiring and the subsequent struggle to replace him. This is a sequel of sorts, and he actually started writing the book when Leno moved to 10pm, not knowing the craziness that was about to erupt. He got so lucky. I mean, who would've guessed that Jeff Zucker would do something else stupid?

At the end of the book, Jerry Seinfeld weighs in. I'm not sure why, other than the fact that he's Jay's friend and has some sort of TV czar status.

Anyway, I think I've written about this before, but Jerry has gone Eddie Murphy on us. He's crossed over from funny to dad funny (no offense, dad). And also kind of mean and snobby.

I think we all know why he has become this way. He was brought down by what many great men through time have been brought down by: a woman.

Come on, you can't invent "The Marriage Ref" unless you're married to a woman and she tells you to do it. That's the only explanation.

So Jerry, and some other old timers, have this whole thing at the end of the book that Conan should've just done whatever NBC told him. "Just show up" is Jerry's motto. He says that Conan should just be grateful he gets to do this for a living.

Well yeah, I guess, on some level that's true. But also, why get shit on when you don't have to? Why work for people who are dicks and who have dicked you around?

This argument of what everyone "should have done" goes around and around in circles, with some on Team Jay and some Team Coco. But really it all comes back to the same point that to me seems very obvious:

When NBC decided to replace Jay with Conan, Jay should've gone somewhere else and destroyed them. That was the only thing to do. It's what anyone else - Letterman, Conan - would've done.

Instead, he went along with their hair brained scheme to keep him and Conan, and set up everything that happened. It's Jay's fault for thinking anything NBC thought of was a good idea.

I recommend the book, but I still don't recommend late night.
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Sunday, 14 November 2010

The TV Show Softball League

Posted on 21:44 by jona
A couple of months ago, some people in the office thought it would be a good idea to put together a softball team. We have a couple of good athletes, and a couple of willing girls, so we joined the TV Show Softball League.

We received the schedule and quickly checked what, or rather who, we'd be dealing with. On paper, it looked like a bunch of cupcakes - "Grey's Anatomy", "Desperate Housewives", "The Tonight Show"...

Our first game was against "Brothers and Sisters". I was looking forward to it. I was really picturing myself breaking up a double play as Sally Field tried to make the turn from short. Or maybe barreling home as Calista Flockhart blocked the plate, and taking her out like Pete Rose did to Ray Fosse, or George Costanza did to Bette Midler.

But when we showed up, there was no Sally and definitely no Calista. There was only large men. Very, very large man. And they wore baseball pants and batting gloves, and horrendous goattees.

And that's when I realized that we were in big, big trouble.

Because these are real TV shows. Real TV shows have crews - bulky guys and bulkier girls, who carry lights and cameras, and have job titles like gaffer and grip. That's who we were playing against.

And just in case you didn't know, we are not a real TV show. We don't really have a crew. We don't have any large men whatsoever. We have little wispy nerdy men, and women who aren't giant lesbians.

Well, we went out there and gave it our best shot anyway, and lost 29 - 4.

There were casualties. Our third basemen broke his wrist. Our first baseman took an unruly hop to the eye. And even more tragically, one of the most gung ho members on our team, a nice, older woman, took a line drive to the shoulder that made the most sickening thud I've ever heard. You don't know true horror until you hear softball on shoulder socket.

That was 6 weeks ago, and I literally have not seen her since.

The losses continued - NCIS killed us, so did NCIS Los Angeles. "Lopez Tonight" took us out with a strong lineup with names that sounded like they belonged on the Florida Marlins - Guillen, Lopez, Cabrera, and Ramirez.

We thought we had a chance against "The Middle", but their defense was tighter than Patricia Heaton's face.

But this tale has a happy ending. Because last weekend, we took on a spirited "Castle" squad and destroyed them, led partially by an opposite field home run ball by yours truly.

We were triumphant. We didn't let the fact that we brought in 4 ringers and stopped inviting the people that sucked detract from the celebration.

One win. And a lesson learned - the TV Softball League is for real TV Shows only.
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Wednesday, 10 November 2010

I Have an Announcement: My Name Isn't Irwin Handleman

Posted on 23:08 by jona
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Tuesday, 9 November 2010

My 20/40 Actor Theory

Posted on 16:28 by jona
My 20/40 theory is that good looking actors can't work after the age of 20 and before the age of 40, but are wildly successive in the period before and after.

When they're near 20, they play teenagers. When they are over 40, they play handsome love interests. In between those ages, they don't get work. Why? I don't know. They're not young enough to be "young", and they're not old enough to be taken seriously.

This has resulted in many actors getting famous young, then disappearing, then magically making a comeback when they get near 40. For example:

Jason Bateman
Patrick Dempsey
Anthony Edwards
George Clooney
Scott Wolf
Mathew Fox
The guy who played Vinnie Delpino on Doogie

But sometimes, actors slip through the cracks. Usually it's because they are too famous to simply disappear.

Look at Leonardo DiCaprio. Is any of us comfortable with him playing adult roles? Cause I'm not. He's the reason for the entire theory! It works. He should've gone away and come back when we can accept him as a man. Same goes for Tobey Mcguire and Hilary Swank.

Of course, sometimes actors don't get famous when they're young. Thus, they are stuck in 20-40 actor purgatory until they reach the appropriate age:

Blair Underwood
Steve Carell (can you even imagine him in his '20's?)
Michael Chiklis
George Clooney
Wil Arnett
James Gandolfini
Phil Hartman
David Duchovney

And then there are the actors that got famous young, and who are still waiting to be men...

Fred Savage
Adam Brody
Jaleel White
James Van Der Beek
Topher Grace
Brian Austin Green (beginning the 40 year old resurgence)
Every Boy Band

In fact, this is why boy bands die and never recover. They can't go past their 20's, and then no one wants to hear dudes in their 40 harmonize.

30 year old actors are like 40 year old actresses. They're worthless.

My only regret is that Corey Haim died before I could tell him the theory - he was about to become very successful again.
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Thursday, 4 November 2010

This Just In...Steroids Work

Posted on 22:08 by jona
I just watched ESPN's documentary series "30 for 30" about Marion Jones. The beginning of the end for her was when the Feds invaded Balco - a company that made steroids - and discovered the names of Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and Marion Jones.

What do these 3 names have in common? Well, Barry Bonds is the greatest home run hitter of all time. Marion Jones is the greatest female sprinter of all time. And for a few years (while he was doing steroids) Jason Giambi was one of the best hitters in baseball.

So the message is clear: steroids work. And Balco steroids work even better than that.

And yet, we're not supposed to use them. Why? Well, because Lyle Alzado died one time. But shouldn't we be looking into this a little more?

The steroids at Balco were concocted by some body building dude slash chemist. Imagine if we put the chemists slash no other hobbies besides chemistry on this. If they could just take some time off from perfecting the ultimate boner, I'm pretty sure we could come up with something good.

And incidentally, if Barry Bonds took as much boner medicine as steroids, it would be just as harmful - although he probably could've hit even more home runs with that rock hard cock.

We're devoting so much time and energy and testing and busting steroid users, supposedly because they are harmful. Well, I guarantee you that playing in the NFL has caused more people to die young than steroids. Yet no one goes to jail because they lied about playing in the NFL.

Brett Favre has a couple broken bones in his foot. They gave him a shot that numbs that pain for 6 weeks, now he walks around and plays and doesn't feel a thing. That's okay, but steroids aren't? You think that shot is great for your body? Doubt it. Yet for some reason, because it doesn't have the word steroid in it, it's fine. Same goes for cortizone shots and whatever other drugs pregnant women aren't allowed to get near and may cause anal bleeding.

Yes, steroids are dangerous. So is just about everything else, especially playing sports. But instead of crying about them and throwing people in jail, why not improve on them and give them to everyone, like they try to do with prozac, xanax, viagra, levitra, ambien, vicodin, ritalin, lipitor, plavix, wellbutrin, valtrex, cymbalta, symbicort, detrol, cialis, allegra, advair, nexium...
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Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Election Overload

Posted on 22:06 by jona
Oh my God, I have watched way too much election coverage tonight. After awhile I came to two important realizations:

Politics is truly a soap opera. There's a lot of noise, a lot of drama, but nothing really happens, and everyone at some point gets amnesia.

Realization #2:

Eugene Robinson and Deaf Frog Voice guy from The Bachelor have the exact same voice.



I voted. Weed lost, abortions won.

As everyone predicted, the Republicans dominated the night. They now have control of the House, but not control of the Senate.

So going back to my soap opera thing, after all the theatrics, how exactly does this change things?

According to the internet, in the past 2 years the House has passed 420 bills that the Senate has completely ignored. That's a shit load of bills. So what's this new Republican House gonna do, pass a thousand bills that get ignored?

Well, the one thing that's different is now the Democrats can't cram through those few bills that didn't get ignored. Okay. That's a big change for the better if you're a Republican. So really it's "yey for gridlock!"

So it is a win, for sure. But it seems like it's more about what they can stop the Democrats from doing, then what they can actually accomplish themselves. Which I'm sure for a lot of right wingers, is more than enough to be happy.

There is a drawback to that though. It's really easy being the guy on the sidelines saying no to everything and complaining. The Republicans have to do stuff now, and as my life has proven, that's a lot harder than doing nothing.

But that's just what everyone on TV told me. I'm sure it was a different story over on Fox News.


On a side political note, my friend @taraariano tweeted about something last night that I'm sure is going to be talked about. Apparently, George Bush told Matt Lauer that the worst moment of his Presidency was that whole Kanye West saying Bush hates black people thing.

Here's her tweet:

"I'm sure George W. Bush was hurt by Kanye or whatever, but worst moment of his Presidency? Does he know he was President in September 2001?"

But you know what this means, right?

Kanye's number 1 again, motherfuckers! He beat 9/11! I'm a let George Bush finish, but Kanye had the worst moment of all time!

He's on top of Billboard, Itunes, Bush's worst things ever list. He's taking down all haters, Jay Z, Eminem, Al Queda. You can't stop him.
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Monday, 1 November 2010

Vote Tomorrow

Posted on 23:36 by jona
It's time to vote again. Hardly anyone votes during Presidential elections, so I can't imagine how many do for mid-terms. But I'm one of them.

Here's what I'm voting for this election:

Weed
Abortions

That's right, marijuana and abortions, that's my entire agenda. Here in California, we have an amendment to legalize pot. It's weird, because it was really popular like a year ago, and now all of the sudden it's looking like it's going to lose. Not sure why.

Oddly, I've never smoked weed in my life. In fact, I've never smoked anything in my life. But I think other people should be allowed to. Then again, I think other people should be allowed to do whatever drugs they want. Then I'll just be the one sober guy getting shit done.

Also, abortions. A friend of mine (and I believe a reader of this blog), is a big supporter of the Republican running for Senate against Barbara Boxer. I asked her if this candidate is pro-choice.

The answer: no.

Well I can't vote for that. I'm for abortions. Anyone who is pro-life has obviously never had their life almost ruined by a baby. Pro-life is anti-reality. And I'm sure this is a hacky thing to say, but isn't it just a little insane to be pro-life and pro-death penalty? Maybe if they just thought of all kids as potential pre-meditated murderers we'd all be cool.

Her argument was that abortion wasn't going to be changed so it shouldn't matter. I'm not so sure. Have you ever heard Sarah Palin talk? Or Michelle Bauchmann? I'm pretty positive these people would make anal illegal if given the majority.

These conservatives who want government out of our lives sure do like to be involved in our lives when it involves cool stuff like drugs and lesbians and abortions.

But Republicans are gonna have a big night. This always happens. Remember in 2008 when the Republican party was pronounced dead? Well, tomorrow we get to hear how the Democrats are finished. It all goes in cycles. We don't like whoever is in there, because all of these people suck. But you always have to remember, Sarah Palin sucks the most. Just awful. I'm super excited for her Presidential run though, that's gonna be awesome.

Anyway, I think voting is a good thing, no matter which side of the fence you're on. It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat or an Independent or a Retard, make your voice heard!
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Thursday, 28 October 2010

Sporcle

Posted on 17:17 by jona
As those who love to waste time at work, Sporcle is one of the great internet things of all time. It's a website with quizzes. Awesome quizzes.

Can you guess every starting lineup for the San Diego Padres from 1990 to 2010? I don't know, but I'd sure like to try!

Who won every acting Emmy in the '90's? Probably Kelsey Grammer.

They are not just a fabulous waste of time, they are also as addictive as crack cocaine or The Hub. You actually get to a point on Sporcle where you long for the days when you hadn't yet taken any of their quizzes and they were all fresh.

But anyway, they had a new one on there that was crazy specific and awesome and I wanted to share it. It's for true Seinfeld fans only.

The question is; can you name every word from George Costanza's marine biologist speech from "Seinfeld".

I got 137, see if you can beat me.
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Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Sorry, I've Been Busy Watching "The Hub"

Posted on 21:13 by jona
In my unemployment, I've somehow been able to watch even more TV. And in my watching, I stumbled on a brand new cable network called "The Hub".

I did a little research and discovered that it launched on October 10th, and it used to be "Discovery Kids". It's a joint venture between Discovery and Hasbro.

First of all, it's a little scary that a new, random channel popped up, and out of the 800 channels I get, I immediately found it.

But check it out, these are the shows on the current schedule for "The Hub": The Wonder Years, Family Ties, Doogie Howser MD, Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, GI Joe, and Transformers.

It's like I am the head of the network. It's unbelievable. I love The Hub! I have no idea how I lived without it for so long.

So if any of this sounds appealing to you, and it definitely should, check your local listings because it's out there, usually in the 200's (for Direct TV it's 294).

Needless to say, I've been watching Doogie and The Wonder Years quite a bit. And I have to say, the shows hold up. What is interesting is that they are both single camera half hour shows that do NOT feature wacky cut-aways, flash backs, or a fake documentary crew.

It seems like you can't have a half hour single camera comedy now without those things. It started with animated shows such as "Family Guy". Every joke is, "that reminds me of the time Superman delivered me a pizza and it took longer than 30 minutes" - cut to Superman delivering the pizza.

Then came Arrested Development. Admittedly, it did this "wackiness" pretty well, but it seemed to start a bad precedent of just jokes for jokes sake. It's similar to Scrubs. Scrubs started off strong, but then drifted into crazy cartoon land. Every joke needed to be punctuated by a cut to: JD dancing to a Bell Biv Devoe Song.

Currently, you have The Office (fake documentary/interviews), Modern Family (the same), 30 Rock (complete cartoon land), and Community (ditto) to name a few.

For some reason, these shows are unable to sustain themselves without the crutch of quick cutting zaniness.

And yet, Doogie and The Wonder Years were two extremely successful shows that lasted a long time. They did not rely on any of that. They did not have the standard "sit-com" rhythm of 3 jokes a minute. They were funny, but they weren't laden with punch lines. In short, they worked as half hour comedies, and half hour stories.

And as far as I can tell, this formula hasn't been attempted since. Why?
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Sunday, 24 October 2010

PinkBerry, I Quit You

Posted on 10:13 by jona
I would never commit mass murder. But I do day dream of it when I'm at PinkBerry. Why do people go somewhere and randomly open fire on total strangers? Maybe because they they're sick of being asked about their day.

There is a PinkBerry near my house. Occasionally, after dinner I will drive there, pick up some yogurt to go and drive home. That ends tonight.

I've always had issues with the place, but I tolerated it. Well, I can't anymore. Let's shine the spotlight on the 2 biggest problems:

1) There is always a line, but that is not the problem. The problem is that the people in front of me don't want to just order something. They want to try samples. They try this, they try that, meanwhile I'm standing there waiting, knowing exactly what I want.

There should be 2 separate lines: 1 for people who know what they want to order, and 1 for fucking assholes.


2) The PinkBerry employees are too God Damn friendly. Clearly, they've been instructed to act this way because they all do it. I know what you're thinking: a lot of stores have employees that do this and it's not a big deal.

You're wrong.

The employees, at least at my particular PinkBerry aren't just friendly. They don't just ask you how you're doing and that normal type of chit chat. No, these people, and I swear to God this is true, will ask you about your personal life. Here is a typical conversation - that I've had a thousand times now at this place:

PB EMPLOYEE: Hey, how's it going?
ME: Fine.
PB EMPLOYEE: How's your day been? You just getting off of work?
ME: No.
PB: Great! What - did your girlfriend make you go on a run tonight?
ME: No.
PB: Oh cool. What do you got going this weekend?
ME: Uh, nothing.
PB: Really? I'm thinking about going to the beach, maybe the mall. I need some clothes...

And this goes on and on. Sorry, that's not normal. It's fucking creepy. I hate them so much, and now I try to act as angry as possible, or give them uncomfortable answers. "Actually, my girlfriend just dumped me and I haven't worked in a year".

But this does not deter them, because they're like awkward small talk yogurt making robots. "I'm sure you'll meet someone!"

Thanks, guy, but if I wanted to talk to someone about my problems I probably wouldn't need a blog.

Anyway, I can't go there anymore. I get so pissed. It totally takes away from my yogurt enjoyment. So that's why, from here on out, I'm a Yogurt Land Man.
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Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Going On a Brief Vacation

Posted on 21:06 by jona
I'm headed out for the rest of the week, but before I go here are some news and notes:

Mad Men Finale. This was easily the best season of the series. It's like they finally took my advice, which was: everything in the office is awesome, everything outside it is not.

The decision to start their own company was brilliant and put the focus where it should be: the advertising business and Don Draper, and took it off where it shouldn't be: January Jones and Dick Whitman.

As for the last episode, I'm in the minority who think Don's decision was brilliant. She can take care of those 2 little brats, she probably won't care if he cheats, and she doesn't have to know all about his stupid secrets. One other thing about her that's good... (warning: nsfw)

The Tea Party. I know everyone loves it when I talk about politics, but these Tea Party candidates deserve a mention. There's one who thinks being gay is like alcoholism, one who told hispanic kids they look asian, one who announced he won't answer questions about his past and then arrested a reporter who did, and one who is really bad.

I never thought I'd say this, but Sarah Palin is suddenly looking like the sane, smart one. Maybe that's their strategy.

Most people think that this is a huge year for the Republicans. And it will be in November. But long term, they might be turning themselves into a small group of extremists, like the Mormons. Just kidding, Mormons. Like the Scientologists.

Craziest development in TV: The Event is still holding up! I never would've expected it, but it seems like they planned this thing out a bit. The show is kinda like the San Francisco Giants, you keep expecting it to fall apart but it keeps going strong.

Boardwalk Empire
is starting to get good. 2nd craziest development in TV: I now like Gretchen Mol.

About 5 or 10 years ago, I used to go on and on about how much I hated Gretchen Mol. The reason? The media did this weird thing that they always do where they pronounced her "the next big thing" even though she hadn't been in anything and was (in my opinion) not that attractive.

Well, all these years later, put her in the 1920's and all of the sudden she's fricking hot. Prohibition does strange things to a woman. Maybe in 5 years the same thing will happen with Piper Perabo.

Mark Zuckerberg. There was a little bit of a trend of people writing dumb things like "The Social Network" got it wrong! I say dumb because it's a movie, yes things have to be condensed and changed to make a 2 hour movie. But I think the essence of what happened is in that movie.

Then I read a blog today that featured this video, touting it as "Mark Zuckerberg" explains how wrong "The Social Network" is. In fact, I think the opposite. He can't name a single thing that the movie got wrong:



He says that he didn't come up with Facebook because of a girl, and even claims a girl like that never existed.

The movie doesn't say that he came up with Facebook because the girl dumped him. It shows him creating Face Smash because the girl dumped him. And in fact, Sorkin used Zuckerberg's own blog word for word in that scene. That girl did exist, although they did change her name.

Regardless, it's just a movie, not everything in it really happened and things were made up to make it more entertaining. But the guy isn't an angel, and neither are the rest of us.

Rubicon. I might be the only one watching it, and I'm fine with that.

TJ Lavin. Get back to killing it, my friend.
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Tuesday, 19 October 2010

We Have a Script Too, You know

Posted on 21:35 by jona
An attractive female who I used to know recently contacted me via Facebook and asked what I was up to. I proudly stated that I was writing for a certain show on Comedy Central. It felt good to be able to say that I a) actually had a job, and b) on a show that isn't completely embarrassing.

I expecting a hearty congratulations or maybe even a "wow! way to go!". 3 days passed. And then the email came back...

It was a little of the congratulations, but it was more of a punch in the balls. Because she wrote:

"That's great. But are you still trying to write your scripts too?"

Oh. The show I write for isn't good enough for you? We're not real? We don't have scripts?

Nothing was italicized or underlined in her email, but here's where I imagined them:

"But are you still trying to write your scripts too?"

Every single part of that question is dripping with "aw, that's nice, but maybe some day you can do better".

Now, I know she didn't mean it that way. But the fact is is that I'm very sensitive to this "scripted" notion. I go on a lot of meetings. And in every single one of them, the "executive" I'm talking to says the following:

"Oh, so you're trying to break into the scripted world, huh?"

And they all say it like they are on top of the mountain and I'm down in the slums. I guess, to a certain extent, they are right. But that doesn't mean it can't piss me off.

I always respond to them by saying: "well, we have to write a script too".

At that point, they fumble around with "Oh I meant...you know...the half hour world" and it gets more and more uncomfortable from there.

They are right though. There is a hierarchy. Sketch/comedy/variety on the bottom, cable in the middle, and network half hour/hour on top. I am on the bottom, and I would like to be on top.

And yet...man, those network shows sure do suck.
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Thursday, 14 October 2010

Do You Realize How Amazing This is?

Posted on 17:24 by jona
This dude hits an X from 10,000 feet.

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Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Remember Ashlee Simpson?

Posted on 15:15 by jona

Me neither.
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Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Dinner and a Humiliation

Posted on 21:50 by jona
I went to see "The Town" on Friday (it was great) at the Century City mall. I got there a little early and was walking around. I went into a bathroom and took a couple of steps and noticed a girl do a double take my way.

She was tall, dark hair, and about as close as a girl who hangs out a mall can look like Penelope Cruz. She comes over to me, "hey! how are you?!" I said I was fine, but I wasn't. If I could behave normally around hot girls, I might actually have a chance with them.

Of course, I quickly put 2 and a hot girl approaching me together, and realize this is a sales pitch. She works at one of those mall stand thingies. I tried to walk away, said "I'm late for a movie".

But she was persistant, and said "it will only take 1 minute" and shoved a mirror in my hand. She says:

"Do you know what keratin is?"

Before I could answer, she was spraying it on my head.

"Look, your hair is getting fuller and richer!"

I quickly handed the mirror back.

"No thanks!"

And went into a full trot away from her. Then I reached into my hair and looked at my hand: it was filled with about a hundred, pube like hairs.

Maybe that's why no one goes to the mall anymore.
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Saturday, 9 October 2010

Thoughts on "The Social Network"

Posted on 12:22 by jona
--Aaron Sorkin is God (he also wrote the I am God speech from "Malice", so he was right). The thing I would love to know is all of the movies he has done punch up for. Because I can't imagine anyone running a studio wouldn't bring him in for a week on anything big to do dialogue work. It sucks that he doesn't have his own show anymore and years go by without seeing his stuff (or knowing that it's his stuff we're watching).



--Which brings me to this: Screenwriters always gripe about not getting enough credit and being the low people on the totem pole. And in the past there's been fights about the "a film by" credit.

Now, I love David Fincher. He's one of my favorites. But this was not, as the credit told us at the very beginning, "a David Fincher film". It was an Aaron Sorkin film. It's his. And if you don't believe me, read the script, and tell me who brought more to the table.

--I wonder how Shawn Fanning feels about the movie. This movie has spawned a bizarre revisionist history, where all of us are suddenly supposed to pretend that Sean Parker (played by Justin Timberlake in the movie) was the creator and "face" of Napster. Bullshit.

I remember this pretty clearly, cause it was only a few years ago, that Napster was all about that young kid wearing the baseball hat, and his name was Shawn Fanning. He's the guy who presented at the VMA's, he's the guy Lars Ulrich was yelling at, but now all of the sudden it's all about Sean Parker. Weird.

--Rooney Mara did a nice job in her 2 scenes. She seems sweet and innocent. If she pulls off Lisbeth Salander I will be shocked, and forced to proclaim her the best actress ever.

--The whole history of Marc Zuckerberg and Facebook is fascinating, but what I find interesting is how unoriginal everything was. His first creation, Facesmash, was already being done as hotornot.com. His next, Facebook, was already friendster and myspace.

It's just kind of crazy that you could make something that's already out there, with a few tweaks, and make $10 BILLION dollars. I guess it just proves once again that myspace really, really sucked.

--Odd Rashida Jones appearance.

--I have a few friends from Harvard, and they are almost exactly like Marc Zuckerberg, only less successful - but just about everyone is less successful than that dude. So it was cool to see Sorkin nail that type of guy.

--And finally, likeability.

I have had some dalliances in the feature world. And there's always one word that gets brought up over and over and over again. It's nauseating. It's the only thing agents and executives know how to say: Likeability. As in, "your main character needs to be more likeable." "Can he be more likeable?" "Why is the audience going to root for him, is he likeable enough?"

Shut up!

This likeable thing is bullshit. And "The Social Network" proves it. Marc Zuckerberg is a lot of things, but likeable is not one of them. And guess what? He's the main character. And guess what else? The movie is a big, fucking hit that's also going to win a lot of awards.

I hate likeability, because it's complete horse shit. You know why? Because once an actor you like plays any part, he brings all of the likeability you need to the table. Even if it's not an actor you like, he usually brings likeability anyway. An example:

The God damn Sopranos. Tony Soprano. Mob boss. Criminal. Killer. Fat guy. No name actor. Likeable? Yep.

TV has figured it out. People like rooting for bad guys. If you tell us this is the dude we're following, and give him just a glimmer of humanity, we will most likely root that person.

But for some reason, this doesn't hold for movies. It should though, because I hate Marc Zuckerberg, and I love "The Social Network".

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Friday, 8 October 2010

Look How Long This Guy's Torso Is

Posted on 23:34 by jona
I was riding my bike today and became fascinated with this dude's upper body. I parked my bike and let him walk by me, and then very slyly took this picture. Seriously, look how long his upper body is and how short his legs are.

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Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Hating the Event Because of Lost is Lazy

Posted on 16:13 by jona
Finally got around to watching the first two episodes of "The Event". I wasn't expecting much. Every review/article about it I read dismissed it as nothing more than a "Lost" rip off. I don't think it's even possible to read something about this show without "Lost" being brought up.

So anyway, I watched it...and I really, really enjoyed it. And I didn't think about "Lost" one time.

What? No show can have an airplane now? Is that where we're at? I'm very sensitive to unoriginal ideas on TV, probably because everyone is always telling me how unoriginal my ideas are. And I get why people would bring up "Lost", but it feels lazy to toss it into the "Lost" rip off bin and not watch it for that reason.

Didn't these people like "Lost"? Well, "Lost" is gone, so how about a show that has a mystery and isn't the same every week, a la House and Hawaii Five-0 and every other show on CBS. Being similar to one of the greatest shows of all time doesn't feel like the worst thing in the world.

I don't know how The Event going to turn out. These types of shows have a hard time sustaining themselves - I weep for you, Flash Forward and The Nine. But for right now, I'm on board, and I'm not gonna cry about it having the gall to steal the brilliant "plane crash" idea.
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Thursday, 30 September 2010

All Foreign Looking Hot Girls Look the Same

Posted on 22:11 by jona
I was watching Hawaii Five-O and I recognized an actress I see in everything. She's been on Dawson's Creek, Friends, Seinfeld, Casino Royale, and Rules of Engagement. I know her as Bianca Khajlich, and she got some attention this summer because she's also the on again, off again wife of Landon Donovan (a soccer player).

I was thinking that this girl must have an incredible IMDB page because she's constantly popping up on TV. So I went to look her up, and quickly discovered the girl I was watching was not Bianca Khajlich. In fact, I had been confusing her with this other girl for the last 5 years.

But I cannot blame myself, because these two are identical twins.

This is Bianca Khajlich:


She's been on:

Rules of Engagement
Dawson's Creek
Bring It On
Boston Public

And this is Ivana Milicevic



She's been on:

Chuck
Casino Royale
Seinfeld
Friends
Felicity

I'm glad I cleared that up for myself, but I still can't tell the difference.
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Every Scripted TV Show On the Broadcast Networks Right Now

Posted on 11:46 by jona
I did this as an exercise to get a better idea of what is on Network TV. Out of all the pitches, scripts, and pilots, this is what has survived to be on the air. I excluded animated shows because those are dumb.

ONE HOURS


HAWAII 5-0 – a special police team arrests people with large machine guns in Hawaii every week

THE DEFENDERS – sleazy, bloated lawyers in Las Vegas

CSI – Crime scene investigators in Las Vegas

CSI NY - Crime scene investigators in New York

CSI MIAMI - Crime scene investigators in Miami

BONES – CSI using bones

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – housewives who are desperate to stay young

GREY’S ANATOMY – good looking doctors except for the asian one

THE EVENT – aliens are here

THE CHASE – procedural about US marshals that doesn’t star Timothy Olyphant

MY GENERATION - fake version of high school reunion

LAW AND ORDER: SVU - law and order with rapists

LAW AND ORDER: LOS ANGELES - law and order with Skeet Ulrich

NCIS - law and order with the navy

NCIS LOS ANGELES - law and order with Chris O'Donnell

DETROIT 1-8-7 – “NYPD Blue” in Detroit

HOUSE – a wacky doctor who solves medical cases by being a dick

GLEE – the Glee club at a wacky high school

UNDERCOVERS – a husband and wife are both spies and black

CRIMINAL MINDS – FBI profilers figure out criminal’s minds

THE MENTALIST – a guy can read normal people's minds

MEDIUM – “the Mentalist” but with an uglier dude

PRIVATE PRACTICE – doctors at a private practice

SUPERNATURAL – “the x files” without a girl

FRINGE – “the x files” with pacey

BLUE BLOODS – a NY police commissioner juggles work and his dumb kids

SMALLVILLE – Superman before all the cool stuff started happening

NO ORDINARY FAMILY – "the incredibles"

THE HUMAN TARGET – a security expert/bodyguard who helps people in danger

OUTLAW – Jimmy Smits wants more power to change things, so he quits the Supreme Court to become a lawyer

BROTHERS AND SISTERS – a large, wacky family

PARENTHOOD – large, wacky family

CHUCK – a good looking "shlub" gets implanted with a bunch of important spy info

CASTLE – a wacky novelist helps out a detective

THE GOOD WIFE – politician goes to jail so his wife has to do something with her life

ONE TREE HILL – "days of our lives" at night

GOSSIP GIRL – good looking gay people gossiping

VAMPIRE DIARIES – good looking vampires gossiping


HALF HOUR

MIKE AND MOLLY – fat romantic comedy

BETTER WITH YOU – “friends” with couples

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT - "friends" with couples

THE OFFICE – a fake documentary about a fake office

MODERN FAMILY – a fake documentary about a fake, wacky family

OUTSOURCED – American has to go to India to prove stereotypes are all true

TWO AND A HALF MEN – divorced guy with son has to live with his hooker loving, coke snorting brother

BIG BANG THEORY – 2 dorks live next to a hot girl

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – “friends”

COMMUNITY – “friends” at a community college

COUGAR TOWN – older ladies complain about stuff

THE MIDDLE – an average family in average America with a mom who has had an extreme makeover

SHIT MY DAD SAYS – loser, twitter loving son moves in with his wacky dad

RAISING HOPE – young kid and his wacky family have to raise a baby

RUNNING WILDE – rich, wacky asshole falls in love with a poor, wacky environmentalist

30 ROCK – behind the scenes of a sketch show that never does sketches or a show
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Tuesday, 28 September 2010

I Might Be Developing Into a Great Actor

Posted on 21:25 by jona
Wednesday night, 10:30pm, Comedy Central = the season 2 finale of Tosh.0.

We did 25 episodes this year. That's a lot. That means we did tons of stupid things, and I played many memorable bit parts. Like the time I was in the background of that one shot, or when I held the gasoline to burn the Kindle, or when you could see the back my head getting electrocuted. Where you at, James Lipton?

But in this final episode, I have dialogue! Look for me near the beginning of the show helping Daniel manage his money. I came through with not only impressive miming skills, but also a huge ad lib. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but much like Matt Damon, it might be time for me to never write again and just focus on acting.
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Lone Star Cancelled

Posted on 15:24 by jona
It's hard to get mad at the networks for producing crappy shows, when they produce a good one and nobody watches. In a related story, "Blue Bloods" is a huge hit and Jim Belushi is still on TV.
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Monday, 27 September 2010

Or Is It Chad?!!!

Posted on 21:01 by jona
The Bachelor Is Really Bringing Brad Womack Back
Today 7:39 PM PDT by NATALIE FINN

Brad Womack is ready to try to settle down again.

As we previously reported, the indecisive—or heroic, depending on how you look at it—main man from The Bachelor's 11th season will indeed get a second shot at love on the resurgent ABC series' upcoming 15th season.

According to ABC, which confirmed the news Monday, Womack has undergone "intensive therapy" and has been on a "quite painful journey of self-awareness" since he failed to pop the question to either Jenni Croft or DeAnna Pappas back in 2007.

And he's admitting that he had "commitment issues" back in the day.

"More importantly, that [Bachelor] process is difficult," Womack said in an interview airing tomorrow on Ellen. "I thought that I was as open as I was supposed to be and clearly I wasn't. I walked away and wound up all alone and left two girls standing there."

So why come back for more?

"Because I believe it can work," the roguishly handsome 37-year-old replied. "I don't care if people call me an idiot or don't believe those words coming out of my mouth. I truly believe that it can work. So here are 25 to 30 women that I never, ever would meet in regular life, and I'm clearly doing something wrong. I'm still single. So why not? I really do believe that this can work."

He also said that, if he ends up in the same predicament as last time, he wouldn't hesitate to walk away again.

Not that he's going to worry about it now.

"Again, I take this very seriously," he assured Ellen DeGeneres. "I know it's tough to believe it's a television show but...I am a completely different person. I don't want to visit that thought."

What do you think of The Bachelor rerun? Isn't Brad pretty much going to have to propose to someone to avoid being tarred and feathered in the public square
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Yes, I Saw It

Posted on 11:04 by jona
My email inbox was flooded this morning. Not by people wishing me a good morning, or a hearty congratulations on a hilarious season, but to inform me about this:

SEGWAY OWNER RIDES SEGWAY OFF CLIFF AND DIES

No, not a guy who owns a Segway - the guy who owns the Segway company! Insane:

Multi-millionaire Jimi Heselden, the owner of Segway Inc. since December 2009, has died after reportedly driving a Segway scooter off a cliff and into a river.

The fatal accident allegedly occurred at Heselden's West Yorkshire estate, according to the Daily Mail. He was "using one of the machines--which use gyroscopes to remain upright and are controlled by the direction in which the rider leans--to inspect the grounds of his property," writes the Daily Mail. "A spokesman for West Yorkshire Police said today: 'Police were called at 11.40am yesterday to reports of a man in the River Wharfe, apparently having fallen from the cliffs above.'"

Police told the Telegraph that a "Segway-style vehicle" was recovered at the scene of the accident.
Everyone who informed me of this was worried about my personal Segway crusade. And yes, I'll admit, this does not help matters. It would be like the owner of Jamba Juice dying of brain freeze.

But I will not be deterred. If anything, I will be even more passionate, because this at least proves that you don't need to wear a stupid helmet. Wearing a helmet on a Segway when falling off a cliff is like wearing a seatbelt on a plane. You're fucked regardless.

So I will still drink Berry Lime Sublimes and ride Segways. I will just avoid cliffs.
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