The TV Show Softball League

A couple of months ago, some people in the office thought it would be a good idea to put together a softball team. We have a couple of good athletes, and a couple of willing girls, so we joined the TV Show Softball League.

We received the schedule and quickly checked what, or rather who, we'd be dealing with. On paper, it looked like a bunch of cupcakes - "Grey's Anatomy", "Desperate Housewives", "The Tonight Show"...

Our first game was against "Brothers and Sisters". I was looking forward to it. I was really picturing myself breaking up a double play as Sally Field tried to make the turn from short. Or maybe barreling home as Calista Flockhart blocked the plate, and taking her out like Pete Rose did to Ray Fosse, or George Costanza did to Bette Midler.

But when we showed up, there was no Sally and definitely no Calista. There was only large men. Very, very large man. And they wore baseball pants and batting gloves, and horrendous goattees.

And that's when I realized that we were in big, big trouble.

Because these are real TV shows. Real TV shows have crews - bulky guys and bulkier girls, who carry lights and cameras, and have job titles like gaffer and grip. That's who we were playing against.

And just in case you didn't know, we are not a real TV show. We don't really have a crew. We don't have any large men whatsoever. We have little wispy nerdy men, and women who aren't giant lesbians.

Well, we went out there and gave it our best shot anyway, and lost 29 - 4.

There were casualties. Our third basemen broke his wrist. Our first baseman took an unruly hop to the eye. And even more tragically, one of the most gung ho members on our team, a nice, older woman, took a line drive to the shoulder that made the most sickening thud I've ever heard. You don't know true horror until you hear softball on shoulder socket.

That was 6 weeks ago, and I literally have not seen her since.

The losses continued - NCIS killed us, so did NCIS Los Angeles. "Lopez Tonight" took us out with a strong lineup with names that sounded like they belonged on the Florida Marlins - Guillen, Lopez, Cabrera, and Ramirez.

We thought we had a chance against "The Middle", but their defense was tighter than Patricia Heaton's face.

But this tale has a happy ending. Because last weekend, we took on a spirited "Castle" squad and destroyed them, led partially by an opposite field home run ball by yours truly.

We were triumphant. We didn't let the fact that we brought in 4 ringers and stopped inviting the people that sucked detract from the celebration.

One win. And a lesson learned - the TV Softball League is for real TV Shows only.