This Just In...Steroids Work

I just watched ESPN's documentary series "30 for 30" about Marion Jones. The beginning of the end for her was when the Feds invaded Balco - a company that made steroids - and discovered the names of Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and Marion Jones.

What do these 3 names have in common? Well, Barry Bonds is the greatest home run hitter of all time. Marion Jones is the greatest female sprinter of all time. And for a few years (while he was doing steroids) Jason Giambi was one of the best hitters in baseball.

So the message is clear: steroids work. And Balco steroids work even better than that.

And yet, we're not supposed to use them. Why? Well, because Lyle Alzado died one time. But shouldn't we be looking into this a little more?

The steroids at Balco were concocted by some body building dude slash chemist. Imagine if we put the chemists slash no other hobbies besides chemistry on this. If they could just take some time off from perfecting the ultimate boner, I'm pretty sure we could come up with something good.

And incidentally, if Barry Bonds took as much boner medicine as steroids, it would be just as harmful - although he probably could've hit even more home runs with that rock hard cock.

We're devoting so much time and energy and testing and busting steroid users, supposedly because they are harmful. Well, I guarantee you that playing in the NFL has caused more people to die young than steroids. Yet no one goes to jail because they lied about playing in the NFL.

Brett Favre has a couple broken bones in his foot. They gave him a shot that numbs that pain for 6 weeks, now he walks around and plays and doesn't feel a thing. That's okay, but steroids aren't? You think that shot is great for your body? Doubt it. Yet for some reason, because it doesn't have the word steroid in it, it's fine. Same goes for cortizone shots and whatever other drugs pregnant women aren't allowed to get near and may cause anal bleeding.

Yes, steroids are dangerous. So is just about everything else, especially playing sports. But instead of crying about them and throwing people in jail, why not improve on them and give them to everyone, like they try to do with prozac, xanax, viagra, levitra, ambien, vicodin, ritalin, lipitor, plavix, wellbutrin, valtrex, cymbalta, symbicort, detrol, cialis, allegra, advair, nexium...